any tips on how to help a depressed husband??

[susi]

hmm...after all the drama from last week with my outburst and apology and whatever else happening, we have basically been coasting along for a bit. Didn't see much of each other of the weekend.

Yesterday my H had sent me a text during the day saying he was feeling depressed, and last night he "escaped" to the pub. When he came back, he came into what's now "my" bedroom, and it was all talk about how much he loved me, how he was so confused and scared he was making the worst decision of his life, and how he had been so happy with me. He had had too much to drink, of course, so in the end he just went off to his bed, and I thought to myself I would see how he was in the morning - apart from hungover!

Well, the biggest thing seems to be that he is feeling genuinely depressed again. This was what he had said to me a few weeks back, before dropping his bombshell of wanting to separate, and he said it after a day of feeling so depressed he couldn't get himself to go into work; he just ended up driving around aimlessly, crying. He now seems to feel like that again; whenever I ask him if he enjoyed seeing this friend, or meeting that one, or going to the pub etc, he always says he can't enjoy anything at the moment. When I ask him what makes him happy, he doesn't know.

I do want to help him, even though I am getting a bit exasperated with all this, too, and living in limbo, never knowing what's actually going to happen isn't much fun. But I still love him, and I suppose if I am honest, I don't feel we should make any big decisions about splitting up etc until he actually feels better. I also don't feel I can start distancing myself from him, as long as he is in this state. I do worry for him; if he thinks he is going to be happy as soon as we have separated I am sure that is completely wrong. As it is he keeps saing he is no good on his own, which is kind of true, and I also feel if he was better at being on his own, he would also be happier in our marriage.

Has anyone had experience of this kind of thing? We are going away together for work at the weekend; do you think I should use the opportunity to try to talk to himself properly?

Thanks guys!

Susi xx

[jo71]

I don't know much about depression Sus, I'm sure others can help you with that, but I wanted to address what he said to you.

I know we shouldn't base too much on things they say when they're drunk, but alcohol is almost like a "truth serum" sometimes...people say whatever they are feeling when they've been drinking, which of course is sometimes not a good thing, but I think that these things he said to you, he let his guard down and really spilled out how he was feeling. Even though he was drunk, I would say he was telling the truth, and that means this marriage has some hope.

I say you should certainly use your trip as a great time to talk to him. You and he will be away from the o/w (should say the o/g), and from the pub...it sounds like the perfect place to work out some things.

Good luck!
Jo

[David H]

Well, the biggest thing seems to be that he is feeling genuinely depressed again. This was what he had said to me a few weeks back, before dropping his bombshell of wanting to separate, and he said it after a day of feeling so depressed he couldn't get himself to go into work; he just ended up driving around aimlessly, crying. He now seems to feel like that again; whenever I ask him if he enjoyed seeing this friend, or meeting that one, or going to the pub etc, he always says he can't enjoy anything at the moment. When I ask him what makes him happy, he doesn't know.


You told us he was having a Mid-Life Crisis

What you see and describe *is* the MLC

AD's from the doctor *might* help.

Find out more about male MLC (OTOH don't; it's very depressing)
http://midlifecrisisforum.com/6/ubb.x?s=3106003104
http://www.pathpartners.com
http://fortysixty.invisionzone.com/index.php?act=idx
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=28&page=1

David

[David H]

I know we shouldn't base too much on things they say when they're drunk, but alcohol is almost like a "truth serum"

What anybody in MLC says is totally meaningless. They are completely confused. Nature of the beast.

David

[susi]

Thank you guys. I wish I could get my H to go to the doctor's or at least to want to go for counselling - unfortunately there is no way. he had a bad experience with couselling years ago, and has told me aften that it put him off for life. Wish he could talk to someone, even a friend, but he is refusing top talk to anyone who wants to get inside his head (mother, big sister, female friend...)

Thanks David for all the links; they are really helpful. I just wish I could get HIM to read up on MLC!! Any other ideas apart from giving him time...???

xx

[David H]

Thanks David for all the links; they are really helpful. I just wish I could get HIM to read up on MLC!!

Makes it worse...

Any other ideas apart from giving him time...??? and space.

Yes, do "a 180" for your own sanity (to allow yourself to heal):
http://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/divorce/no_contact.asp
http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

And detach emotionally:

This is a good place to start understanding detachment:
http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

MLC's go on for a very long time.

David

[mutiny08]

i dont really think thats a good solution david.
think about it this way. emotional detachment can cause many a problem. sometimes, theres no way to reattach it (which is what she would want to do to save the relationship). also, if he feels detached, that might be the final blow for the two of them. hes already upset and depressed, why compound the problem?
i believe that most of what people say when they're intoxicated is the truth. as jo said, people are much more likely to let their guard down and let people penetrate their barrier.
from an outsiders perspective, it seems to me like he still has feelings for you and deep down wants the relationship to work. i would start by asking him that very question and getting him to REALLY think about whether or not he wants to stay with you. Keep reinforcing that you love him and that you want to be together (if thats what u want).

Sometimes a man just needs to know that they're really needed.