Bad day, please help

[Hopeful0788]

Hello all. I am not having a very good day today and could use someone to listen and give advice. My husband and I are trying to work things out but I think I am at a point of no return. I have so much resentment and hurt that I am not sure how if ever I will overcome it. I feel like he used every single thing in I ever told him about my past against me. When I say that I mean for example, I told him how both my parents were drug addicts and how this affected me and bothered me so much. So what happens, he starts doing drugs (a while ago, we made it past that). I also told him how my parents cheated on each other, had a loveless, affectionless marriage and how the two previous people I dated cheated on me. It took me 5 years from my last relationship to start dating again and being able to build my self esteem back up to try again. So what happens in our 5th year of marriage? My husband starts talking to another woman and going out with her. Obviously something must be wrong with me that these things keep happening to me. I feel very worthless and am at a point where I just really can't seem to focus on feeling any better. I know I sound pitiful and I am sorry but I really appreciate being able to come here and get my feelings out.

I think today I am having a bad day today because it is the first day that I forced myself not to call him and he didn't call me at all during the day either. Since we have been trying to work on things, he has either called me a couple times during the day or I have called him. Today, I thought, I want to see if he will call me (he was calling her 3-4 times a day and talking for hours at a time). The whole day went by and never once did my phone ring. He didn't say when he was coming home when he left so I had no idea. I wanted so much to call but didn't. Then he comes home just a little while ago like everything is great and walks around happy and smiling. All I can think about is why he didn't call. Then to top that off, Friday's are usually our family day but my daughter was gone to a friends and my son was sleeping so I thought it would be a nice time for us to try to spend together for a while until my son got up. He just started talking about his computer and went into another room so I left for a drive. When I came home he had taken my son out so here I am by myself wondering what in the world is wrong with me.... I know this may seem petty to most people but I really feel like I am falling apart. :(

[David H]

Hello all. I am not having a very good day today and could use someone to listen and give advice. My husband and I are trying to work things out but I think I am at a point of no return. I have so much resentment and hurt that I am not sure how if ever I will overcome it. I feel like he used every single thing in I ever told him about my past against me.

To justify himself?

I've read through your first post here where you talk about divorce. Given all the circumstances you have described here since then it looks like this is a very unhealthy codependent relationship that is dragging you down and will never be what you want it to be.

I think you need to start thinking about healing yourself -- you are stlll very young at 30! -- you have the possibility of a long and very happy life in front of you (with or without another partner) but it must be obvious not with your H! -- press ahead with the divorce, and in the meantime consider the moves below for your own protection and healing..

Good luck!

David

Do "a 180" for your own sanity (to allow yourself to heal):
http://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/divorce/no_contact.asp
http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

You also need to detach emotionally:
This is a good place to start understanding detachment:
http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

[Hopeful0788]

David, thank you for your replies to my other posts and to this one. I appreciate your responses. I printed out and read the articles at the sites that you gave me. I know I definately need to detach but that is something that has always been very hard for me. I know I need to rebuild my self esteem all over again and have been trying to work on that. Do you have any suggestions to make that a little easier so far I have not been very successful. TI believe if I could feel better about me then I would be better able to deal with everything that needs to be done. Thanks again for reading and replying.

[susi]

Hi Hopeful,

I really feel for you; your situation would be enough to even make the strongest and most positive person really, really depressed. You sound like a really loving and caring person, and maybe you can find the strength in yourself to give some of that love and care to yourself? I know it's really, really hard to genuinely start doing things for yourself, not because you want to impress your H or get a reaction out of him. I can't tell you how many times I have done that not calling thing, trying to appear independent, and it doesn't really work unless you really feel independent, and you genuinely don't care whether he calls or not. And of course that's not going to happen just like that, while you still have so many emotions invested in him and your relationship.
All I can suggest really to start picking yourself up (and it HAS worked for me in the past which is not to say it'll work for everyone) is to concentrate on really small things. Like setting yourself just one tiny little goal for each day, and it can literally be absolutely anything; even a task you don't usually think twice about. Think about doing it (whatever it is; baking a cake, writing to a friend, going for a walk, anything no matter how small), and then congratulate yourself on doing it. Give yourself credit for all the things you do well, and don't ever think they don't mean anything because everyone can do them. Do something fun with your kids, and try, if you can, to make what you do something that doesn't involve your H at all.

The same thing goes for the next step: reward yourself. I know the stuff people tell you about running a bath, pampering yourself blah blah - well, it's great if you have the time but, especially with kids you might not get the time for big projects like that. So just do something really small that's just for you, to make you feel better. Anything from chocolate to meeting a friend to going shopping to listening to music or, even better, to something that makes you laugh.

And I think the biggest thing of all when you are working on becoming your own person again, and being happy within yourself is to be unbelievably forgiving with yourself. Anything you feel you didn't do a good job, or you made a mistake - forget it. Push that thought away. Think about what you did well, or if you can't, think about a much bigger blunder someone else committed and feel you are only human, and none of us are ever "perfect" - in fact, we don't want to be.

Don't know if any of this is helpful but I wish you strength and please keep posting - it's helped me to no end!!

Hugs,

Susi x

[Hopeful0788]

Update - we (our family) went out tonight since we didn't have our family night last night. We all had a good time all though my husband adn I didn't talk or show affection or anything, it was fun watching the kids bowl. I was feeling good but then on the way home I remembered something I hadn't previously thought of. It made me physically ill and I had to throw up. My husband told me in October, right after my birthday that he wasn't sure he wanted to be married anymore. My pastor sent him away for the weekend on a retreat to sort himself out. when my h came back, he had a restaurant receipt for 2. I asked him about the 2 and he said he bought some guy a couple of drinks at the sports bar he went to. I checked with the phone bills and realized this is the time he started seeing the o/w and I now believe that he spent that weekend with her as the dates match up with her husband telling me she was on a business trip that weekend. ... I am definately filing for divorce before I don't have even an ounce of dignity left..... Please pray for me everyone... Thanks.