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View Full Version : Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice


nessievan
30th March 2007, 10:33 AM
Thread starter deleted

Raymond
30th March 2007, 08:07 PM
It sounds like he is addicted to the practice you mentioned not to mention the porn. No all men do not do this. If I did it I know that it would be taking away from the intimacy I enjoy with my wife unless I was thinking of her, but if she is available what's the point.

The spirit behind male masturbation does not want intercourse. Believe me on this. It's wrapped up in itself and probably porn. I'm not talking about the odd misdemeanor that single males get involved in, but surely all that should finish upon marriage.

Who knows what images are in his mind when doing it. It is a very boring thing to do without the images, so porn is playing a part.

I think he should make an effort to relate to you in every way including physically, get counseling and finish these practices that you are not even part of.

Raymond

isthisworthit?
3rd April 2007, 09:47 AM
Hi there, and sorry to hear that you are having problems. Like yourself, we only managed to sort out our problems this time last year, and again they are rearing their ugly heads (in my case these heads are real) but back to your problems.
I have read somewhere that where a man is used to masturbation and it has been going on a long time, he finds it difficult to come to climax through sex alone as the amount of pressure and friction is not enough, having got used to the greater effect of masturbation. - Does this make sense? I think your husband will need a lot of weaning off masturbation in order to climax just with sex, and will probably need counselling help as there is often a deep rooted reason.
Hope this helps.

Rex
3rd April 2007, 05:19 PM
I hurt when I hear of your situation.

Perhaps your husband is so accustomed to masturbation that he doesn't want to complete the full act with you. When my wife and I first married 8 years ago, she complained about the "mess" that sex caused. I would often feel badly about that and not want to finish the entire act with her. I would offer to wear condoms to prevent the messiness but she was not in favor of that. Although in the back of my mind, I always felt that sex was supposed to be that way. She has not complained about it recently which helps me relax and enjoy finishing.

I would suggest that you and your husband seek out some counseling to work through the issues. You mentioned that he is not easy to talk to so a third-party who is neutral would possibly help. In the meantime, I would just convey to him how you would prefer for him to finish with you vs. masturbation and how important it is to you.

My best regards to you toward a resolution.

ElizStan
26th December 2008, 05:16 PM
I have been married 27 years - and for most of our marriage sex has been sporadic. Over the last 10 years we've probably made love no more than 4 times. We normally go for 2-3 years without sex. My husband has always worked long hours at our business, staying late most nights. He'd use so many excuses over the years - he was too tired, etc.

Earlier in our marriage he would want oral sex (never returning the favor) because he said he was too tired for intercourse. Then I got tired of one-sided sex (he's never ever given me an orgasm or even tried) and stopped jacking him off or giving him oral. When we did have intercourse, he would withdraw after about 5 minutes and want to finish off by hand. I begged for him to use a condom so I could feel him finish inside of me, but he said he didn't like the feel.

18 months ago while going through a credit card statement looking for something I'd charged, I noticed items I didn't recognize. I dug back 5 years and found out that he'd spent AT LEAST $11,000 on porn during that time. I realized that he'd stay at work and masturbate to porn. I left him, but came back to him after he promised to go to counseling. He asked me to be patient with him. He read books on sexual addiction and went to a therapist for about 4 months. He said he did not want to sully our love by bringing that side of him into a relationship. He has cut all sexual feelings for me off because he can only be aroused by porn. We still haven't made love and I have caught him masturbating to porn again after assuring me everything was "better". I am 50 years old and still have very strong sexual feelings - the thought of being in a celibate marriage for the rest of my life fills me with dread. But it's so difficult to break with a man you've loved for 29 years......I don't feel that he will ever change - if my leaving him this year for 6 weeks (he was devastated) was not motivation enough to work on this, I don't know what is. But it's such a hard decision.

Ageing Grace
28th December 2008, 06:50 AM
I'm completely ignorant of this situation but I have a genuine question.

Supposing a man with the habit, as you've described in your posts, wants to regain (or gain for the first time) his enjoyment of full sex - would it be helpful for his wife to forget about penetrative sex for a while, and engage in mutual masturbation? I realise you'd probably have to teach him how to return the favour, and I'm sure some of you have tried.

I'm thinking it's not so different from the way adolescent boys behave, and maybe 'heavy petting' is the way forward, as it is for teenagers.

I'd value your take :)
Thank you,
AG

Raymond
29th December 2008, 10:19 PM
The porn and the MB are the problems here. Nothing you do in the bedroom will help while this is going on. It is really mental adultery. You are competing with all these images in his head. His normal sexual drive has been diverted into this stuff. This is serious business these days. I have read in the telegraph that in the USA nearly 50% of divorces involve porn. I shouldn't think it is that much different in the UK.

Your husband is surely addicted and needs help. He has to want it with all his heart though and accept that it is not right what he is doing. The only anwers I have heard of are through Christ with specialised christian counseling. There may be others but I haven't heard of them.

If any wife is reading this and suspects her husband of using porn confront it straight away. It will be a deadly enemy of the intimacy you should enjoy in the bedroom.

Raymond

1aokgal
31st December 2008, 05:30 AM
ElizStan....

I hold no optimism for your situation. I am in a long term marriage with a man I still love.
The last time was 16 years ago this month. It is an anniversary of goodbye to my life as a wife. Counselling for a short time did no good, anger, threats, tears and many long talks through the years and my life has pretty much passed me by.

I also had two really great opportunities within the last few months to proceed into a double life with two really fine men. You would not believe that both approached me on a day I was in jeans, tennis shoes, long hair pulled back in a band and no makeup. That must be a winner look for me. I am called "girlish" by my husband.

Perhaps I have grown used to my life. There is truth that when one stays with a rejecting spouse we enable the pattern.

My husband brought me a beautiful diamond heart pendant when he came the few days for Xmas. I will be alone New Years as usual. He loves my being here. No, he has no wife somewhere else. It might have been better to change the locks and pull in the welcome mat and find some real life but time has passed for that.

Raymond
31st December 2008, 10:43 PM
Happy New Year 1Okgal!

Raymond

1aokgal
1st January 2009, 06:27 AM
Happy New Year, Raymond....


Happy New Year to you and yours. Thanks for all the help you give troubled people and your kindness here is most appreciated.

I carried out the trash at midnight BUT I am excited about another year and the chance we all have to make changes in ourselves and help another where we can.

Wish we here could meet in the flesh and pat backs as the world could use more wisdom and kindness. There are many here who share some profound truths.
God bless.

1aokgal
1st January 2009, 06:49 AM
Happy New Year to my dear friend here, Bambar.
I think she monitors but does not post lately. I hope things are better for you and the coming year brings blessings.

I often think of you and how your observations and keen wit are such a breath of fresh air.
Love to you
1AOKGAL

MarkTwain
11th January 2009, 07:27 PM
I have written a lot on other forums about this subject. Basically men are wired differently to women. Once a man has ejaculated, he loses all interest in sex for a while. even though he can get another erection quite quickly, he would not enjoy sex all that much if he is over 25 until half a day to two days have elapsed.

When men jerk off to porn, it's the ejaculation that robs his wife of her dues. If you can stop a man wasting his seed in this way, he will eventually get horny enough to start desiring his wife.

I think women in this situation need to get their men to stop all solo ejaculations. If the men continue, they are just being selfish.

1aokgal
15th January 2009, 11:53 AM
Dear All...
This practice is an ADDICTION as baffling as alcoholism. There is always fantasy involved and porn, either directly, or indirectly. The longer the pattern is set the harder it is to find the way back to real life.

This is a relationshop problem wheeby the man does not have to extend himself for another to meet her needs. He has no fear of failure as in intercourse. When a man gratifies himself so much and then tries to have intercourse he will generally have ED problems. He has more physical sensation meeting his own needs.

The physical sensation is not the same for the man and the fear of failure causes impotency. The time in between attempts extends. The man LIKES the masturbation better than intercourse where he has to meet the womans' needs. It is not about additional sexual gratification, it replaces normal sex.

Ask me, I know. My husband has had no intercourse for 16 years in this marriage.
If you want to have sex, buy a vibrater, find a lover, or get rid of him.

MarkTwain
15th January 2009, 12:17 PM
1aokgal-

I agree with your analysis.

Did your husbands last few attempts with you end in failure/ED?

Ageing Grace
15th January 2009, 12:31 PM
What's ED?
oh ... erectile dysfunction?

Raymond
15th January 2009, 02:09 PM
I agree with 1okgal analysis. We have been over this many times on here and seem to have reached a sort of consensus on it.

It goes far beyond the man just Oing by himself then not wanting IC. Porn and solo MB are killers of the normal sex drive as part of relationship with ones wife. A lot of solo MB will include fantasies of others either through porn or the sheer ability to fantasise which I believe can go into a dangerous area. All these things have the effect of seperating yourself sexually and even relationally from your wife. Mental adultery in short.

This is a true story believe it or not just for your ears. A man and wife were in a marriage where the husband preferred his fantasies and pleasing himself. Quite often in these fantasies he would see a young blonde girl of about five years (I think spiritual things are involved here hence the danger). On this day the girl was in his fantasies again. He then went downstairs and was surprised to see the actual girl of the fantasy. He ended up molesting her. She had been left with the couple to look after by her trusted parents. His wife discovered him and called the police. The man was arrested protesting that he had never molested children before, (although the seeds were obviously there in his fantasies).

This is an extreme case but it underlines what can happen in the realm of fantasy where it can be more than meets the eye.

Names have not been given here, but the couple came for help at a much later date to a certain ministry I know about and this is part of what happened.

Raymond

MarkTwain
15th January 2009, 05:16 PM
Raymond-

That story is a little over the top, in that most people would not do something so immoral or break the law due to a fantasy.

Most fantasies are never acted out, much to the annoyance of many a husband. For instance many women say they never fantasize, yet under closer questioning they do. A sexual daydream is a fantasy for instance, and most women will admit to that.

but going back to your story, any man who prefers his own hand over his willing wife has serious problems. It happens, and this forum is full of it, but I would not say it is a high percentage of all marriages.

In fact, I would love to know the percentage...

Raymond
16th January 2009, 09:25 AM
Trouble is it is not a story Mark. It is true even if it is extreme. It may be true that most fantasies stay fantasies but you cannot always be sure if the opportunity presented itself. With the solo MB as well it is mental adultery in my book.

I don't know about % but I do know that porn figures in 50% of divorces in the US.

Raymond

ard061106
10th February 2009, 10:05 PM
I am a 28 year old married woman living in London. I am not from the Uk, I moved here from the US to be with my husband, giving up my job and new apartment in the name of compromising and in what worked for both of us at the time. It was difficult for me to adjust here, especially since I am studying and lost my job 6 months ago. I have noticed that my husband was very distant for the past 4 months. We hardly make love/sex nowadays, when we use to have passionate sex on average 4-6 times a week. It is now down to 3 - 5 times a month. However, now there is no passion, just sex...physical sex. I went through a very dark phase in my live lately, feeling down, insecure, a failure , etc. My husband noticed this in me and tried to help. I told him how I felt a week ago about how I feel that every time we are in bed, it's very physical..as if I was a piece of meat. I questioned myself if I was not attractive enough anymore, if I let myself go and this took a real stab at my self esteem. Yesterday, I woke up earlier than expected and cought my husband masturbating while watching porn online. I felt like my heart was stabbed with a thousand knives. I took a pair of PJ's and stayed at the nearest hotel. He said that he has a problem, an addiction and that he's going to get help. He made several calls to get help today and I am sure he will try to get the help he needs. However, I don't feel like I can stay married to him anymore because of what he has done. He saw me going through depression and I begged him to let me know what was going on, which he put the blame on his stress at the time. I want out. He's begging me to stay with him. I just feel like he will put me through so much more in the future and I have lost trust in him. I know he hasn't slept with another woman but I still feel betrayed. I could be talking out of anger, but I would really like to know if there are other women out there that I can get advice from and share stories because I don't have anyone to talk to.

lucyjuice
11th February 2009, 06:31 AM
You know I was in a similar situation, and guess what I beat him at his own game... I researched some sites and found one, that suited my needs.

Since then I haven't regretted it and actually now my hubby needs me more so using affairs sites like loveisthebug et al, can actually save relationships too.

And girls, not every guy wants sex, sometimes they just need a friend and a coffee!

Raymond
11th February 2009, 09:24 AM
Ard I sympathise with you. You are very perceptive. You knew something was wrong even before you found out. Porn is mental adultery and does affect a marriage and the sexual intimacy within it. It is completely understandable how you feel.

Is he able to overcome this? He might be able to, but until he is able to it is like you having sex with other women partaking as well. They will be in his head as well and causing him not to be sensitive to you.

If you cannot live with this it is your prerogative to exit the marriage. If he hates it enough he can overcome it, although with some it has entered an addiction state and needs drastic action.

Raymond

ard061106
12th February 2009, 02:41 AM
Thank you Raymond.

I found out that he has this ‘urge’ and then he masturbates rather than coming to me. He explained to me that it makes him feel like he is away from all the stress around him. Life has been difficult lately, especially financially. So I understand that part of it. However, he also explained to me that when he masturbates (he calls it ‘having a moment’) he does it in a very sexual way, without any emotions and that’s why he doesn’t want to bring this in bed. So the best way of avoiding treating me like some meat was by not having sex with me at all. I too noticed that we were not making love anymore ( about 6 months now) and told him how I felt about it two weeks ago and that I don’t feel loved and that I am being pushed away. And of course at this point I asked myself if I let myself go (gained 5 lbs only though), if I couldn’t please him anymore and basically blamed myself for him not wanting me anymore. His response to this was that he is so stressed, that I should not blame myself and that it will get better. I had asked him if he was taking care of himself and he acted so shocked that I would ask such a thing and said he wasn’t and couldn’t even think about sex because of the stress at work and at home. In the past, when we were engaged and not living together and as a married couple, we would tell each other when we ‘had a moment’, as he calls it, and tell the other that their were on our mind.

Now, he has told me that he it addicted to masturbating and that he has done this while watching porn about five times. He also told me that he doesn’t feel better after he is done and that he does this about 5 times a week and max of 3 times a day.

He made an appointment to speak to someone about this today and I went with him and waited in the waiting room. As I waited, trying to read a magazine, I felt like a friend, not like a wife. I don’t know how to explain how I feel anymore. I want to stay with him because I know he loves me, use to go crazy over me, but there is a big part of me that believes he will hurt me again and it will only get worse. A pessimist, some would say, but, I also need to start loving myself again.

It hurts me to think that he saw me going through depression the last couple of months, he even told me that he thinks I am depressed and he did nothing to help. I felt like I was in a black grave like hole, trying to climb out but didn’t have the physical and mental strength. After our talk I mentioned earlier, I forced myself to get out of bed, go for a walk, call friends, etc…and now I have fallen in a deeper whole. He saw me suffer and didn’t confess that our marriage problems had nothing to do with me. Nor did he give me a reason why the sex in our marriage was not the same and why he didn’t desire me anymore. A part of me has died. I believed in love and in wedding vows and that a man can be faithful. My father and mother have a very healthy relationship, I too thought that I deserve a person to love me back as much as I love them and not all men are unfaithful.

God I wrote so much. Sorry for boring you death.

Once again, thank you for listening and for your feedback. Greatly appreciated.

Raymond
12th February 2009, 02:21 PM
You are not boring me Ard. Your comments are very valid. Also you musn't blame yourself as the problem is in him not you. Men are under temptation in this way in this era but if there is no resistance havoc can be reaped in a marriage. In the USA porn figures in 50% of divorces. It is probably not much different in the UK. It is basically a sexual unfaithfulness.

There is obviously a diversion of the sexual drive going on which is affecting the intimacy you should have. It is not just a diversion it is a kind of mental adultery, which is the damaging part. Jesus said if one looks at another woman to lust after her you have already committed adultery with her in your heart. Sex is that important and only belongs in the marriage between the husband and wife.

With regard to MB it is not so much the act but what is in the mind when doing it. If the mind is filled with fantasies of other women that can be damaging and addictive and obviously affect the marital intimacy.

At least he is trying to get help with this. It will be a fight if he is addicted and he needs to uderstand what is going on and how it robs you both of the real intimacy you should both have.

It must be awful for you to be dragged though this Ard but we live in an age when porn is available at the touch of a button and many are allowing themselves to become addicted. Some make light of it but I feel they do not understand the implications and the damage it can do to ones sexual make-up. If he could really understand that he will have more motivation for knocking it on the head. If he won't fight I don't know how you can live with this stuff.

Raymond

Raymond
14th February 2009, 01:00 PM
Is there porn involved in this Elizabeth or is it just mb on it's own? It may be that he came into marriage with this habit and cannot beat it. The main problem is what is happening in his head? Is he fantasising about other women? Some can have pretty strong imaginations. It is a kind of mental adultery if that is happening. He almost certainly is imagining other women as he does it. If he could see it as mental adultery there is hope. At the very least he is denying you the marriage rights you should expect in marriage.

Raymond

ard061106
17th February 2009, 08:03 PM
Hi Raymond. I just want to thank you for your help in a difficult time in my life.

I had a wonderful, best in my life Valentine’s Day this year…My husband went to a S.A.A meeting for the first time to admit to his addiction. I hope you sensed the sarcasm of this being the best Valentines. Anyhow, I went with him and waited with a frozen cup of coffee that was not even once sipped while I tried to read my book wondering what the person I married was confessing to. The thought made me nauseous. An hour later, a man that appeared to have less weight on his shoulders and a huge smile walked towards me and hugged me for a good 15 minutes.

We had dinner while he told me things that he wanted to share with me, things that he tried to forget, he was robbed of his innocence when he was 13 years old. It broke my heart to hear how he was treated by an adult at such a young age.

We are truly trying to work things out while he goes to therapy and to the SAA meetings. The one thing I now know is that he is trying so hard to become a better man and that I will be there for him all the way. I envy his courage, as most people that have been sexually molested do not have the courage or strength to tell anyone, let alone seek help.

As for me, I am learning to love myself by taking care of myself and plan to go through counselling.

I hope that God gives me and anyone out there who’s going through a difficult time, the strength that is needed.

Once again, thank you. God bless.

Raymond
18th February 2009, 09:38 AM
That's really great Ard. You are one of the few that has ended up with a positive. It will be a battle as you know, but you can make it with His help.

Raymond

nw_guy
24th February 2009, 01:20 PM
Ladies, It is not just men that lose their sex drive.

Raymond
12th March 2009, 02:15 PM
I always say it is a kind of mental adultery BrokenHearted. You were quoting Jesus words when he said that if anyone looks at a woman to lust after her he has already committed adultery with her in his heart. That is what is happening in pornography and many times the MB because of what the mind fixes itself on when it happens. We have been over this subject quite a lot in the past.

No there is nothing wrong with you BH. He probably came into the marriage with the habit. It will rob you of the intimacy you should have as it is a misdirection of the sex drive and will affect the sex even when it happens because of it. When he feels like sex his mind will be filled with these images he remembers from the porn and he will seek it again or maybe just remember the images while he MB.

It is good that you are in a church. That will help a lot if you have pastors who know how to deal with this. He will have a battle to win to be free of it but he will have to face the truth of it to start. No all men do not do it. I know it would detrimentally affect my sex life if I did. It's husbands love your wives not some porn image.

You have to confront it which you have. All I can say is that he can get free if he wants to with all his heart. He will need that commitment to do it. It would help if he is a believer as God can work on his concience as He does. Saying all men do it is a bit of a cop out. He needs to get beyond that.

Raymond

rppearso
4th April 2009, 12:30 AM
Why did he get a prostitue?

rppearso
4th April 2009, 11:40 PM
Ok but why did he feel the need to get a prostitue? If he did stuff with her he was obviously able to get it up and get off with a real person which is different than doing it with porn.

I was asked what happened the last time we were together? That is ancient history. I don't remember being with him or what happened..probably nothing happened.

I don't remember intimacy. That is part of life I lost. Strange as it seems, he is anxious to come home when he can be here. I care deeply for him. I just don't think of him often in any intimate way.

rppearso
5th April 2009, 02:29 AM
Sorry about that I got you mixed up with the OP. I am still curious why the OP's husband slept with a prostitute?

My husband has never been with a prostitute. That is not the problem.
He had a "no sex" problem with the woman he went with before I met him..30 years ago. She confronted him, and he left (or she wisely left him.)

We had no problems for half the marriage. Then began the long periods without sex which became years. It is not fixable and likely is a preference for MB. He works elsewhere and just flies home when he can. He calls me daily. He is a fine decent man and a good husband in all ways. I know he loves me but it is too late to repair the damage to the marriage.

kyle82
10th April 2009, 06:47 PM
there are few times where masturbation or self pleasure is what we men, are looking for. but not in addiction or a form of disrespect with the partner. it's unethical to actually masturbate while your partner is right there beside and super horny.

rppearso
12th April 2009, 09:21 PM
It is unethical to turn your partner down if THEY are horny, not if you are horny. There should be no reason to EVER masterbate in a relationship. If someone is horny in the relationship and they are turned down and forced to turn to masterbation then things are not going to end well.

there are few times where masturbation or self pleasure is what we men, are looking for. but not in addiction or a form of disrespect with the partner. it's unethical to actually masturbate while your partner is right there beside and super horny.

Totally-Relating
18th June 2009, 05:12 PM
I have been married 27 years - and for most of our marriage sex has been sporadic. Over the last 10 years we've probably made love no more than 4 times. We normally go for 2-3 years without sex. My husband has always worked long hours at our business, staying late most nights. He'd use so many excuses over the years - he was too tired, etc.

Earlier in our marriage he would want oral sex (never returning the favor) because he said he was too tired for intercourse. Then I got tired of one-sided sex (he's never ever given me an orgasm or even tried) and stopped jacking him off or giving him oral. When we did have intercourse, he would withdraw after about 5 minutes and want to finish off by hand. I begged for him to use a condom so I could feel him finish inside of me, but he said he didn't like the feel.

18 months ago while going through a credit card statement looking for something I'd charged, I noticed items I didn't recognize. I dug back 5 years and found out that he'd spent AT LEAST $11,000 on porn during that time. I realized that he'd stay at work and masturbate to porn. I left him, but came back to him after he promised to go to counseling. He asked me to be patient with him. He read books on sexual addiction and went to a therapist for about 4 months. He said he did not want to sully our love by bringing that side of him into a relationship. He has cut all sexual feelings for me off because he can only be aroused by porn. We still haven't made love and I have caught him masturbating to porn again after assuring me everything was "better". I am 50 years old and still have very strong sexual feelings - the thought of being in a celibate marriage for the rest of my life fills me with dread. But it's so difficult to break with a man you've loved for 29 years......I don't feel that he will ever change - if my leaving him this year for 6 weeks (he was devastated) was not motivation enough to work on this, I don't know what is. But it's such a hard decision.


Wow..You just described what I had been going throw the last 4 years of my marriage. I have been married 10 years. I had been asking my husband over and over what was wrong. He kept telling me nothing. I finally found porn on the computers, and confronted him. Exactly the same exact things you described happened to me, I was ready to leave, couldnt stand not having a sex life, and he always said he was tired, excepted the oral for himself, but never returned anything, or couldnt "arise" for intercourse. He says he has stopped, and things have improved but I dont know if I can trust that this is the end with out some kind of counseling. It is so helpful to hear your story. Thank you so much for posting it.

Raymond
18th June 2009, 06:10 PM
It has to be totally cut off TR and any sexual relationship mentally or physically should only be with you, as it should be. It seems he is trying which is more than can be said for some. It is a kind of mental adultery and that is why the affects of it can be devastating.

It will take time for the addiction to loose it's hold and he cannot afford to indulge it for one minute as that can be back to square one in no time. There is no substitute for sexual faithfulness.

These things are massive struggles and many marriages have been wrecked through it. In the USA 50% of all divorces feature porn. I should not think the number is much different in the UK.

I really hope he gets the victory here for both your sakes. He needs to really continue fighting it though until he has mastery over himself.

Raymond

Jdoc
20th June 2010, 02:06 AM
Masturbation is a completely natural thing. Most people start doing it in the first few months of life and do not stop (in one form or another) until they are dead. Porn and erotic entertainment has been a part of society since we first stared painting on cave walls. It might be good to remember that only hearing such a small anecdote about your marital situation, one could come up with countless reasons why he might be masturbating instead of approaching you for sex. With that said, what’s going on with your husband isn’t normal and may require professional help. Withdrawal and masturbation to ‘finish’ is something people engage in, but not to the exclusion of other acts. I’m mostly concerned with the covering of his face during orgasm. It speaks to some serious issues.

chosen
30th August 2010, 05:34 AM
Masturbation is a completely natural thing. Most people start doing it in the first few months of life and do not stop (in one form or another) until they are dead. Porn and erotic entertainment has been a part of society since we first stared painting on cave walls. It might be good to remember that only hearing such a small anecdote about your marital situation, one could come up with countless reasons why he might be masturbating instead of approaching you for sex. With that said, what’s going on with your husband isn’t normal and may require professional help. Withdrawal and masturbation to ‘finish’ is something people engage in, but not to the exclusion of other acts. I’m mostly concerned with the covering of his face during orgasm. It speaks to some serious issues.

It maybe something that has been done since man was made, but that doesnt make it right. Most MB is done with porn and porn use is deadly for the person doing it, the spouse and the marriage.If my husband was doing this I would give him an ultimuatum, the porn or me. From what some women have said, when men think they will loose their wives and kids, its amazing how many are actually able to stop.If the wife puts up with it he has no reason to try. it is definetly unfaithfullness, but with many many women and not just one.
It is an incredibly selfish act that excludes the wife, and the intimacy in the marriage is lost, and that is so important.

Raymond
30th August 2010, 09:11 AM
Also on the question of MB. It's what is going on in your mind that is the crucial thing. If ones mind is full of lust with images of the opposite sex then the mind is dwelling on those and in that case it is another version of mental adultery.

Raymond

chosen
30th August 2010, 11:15 AM
Definately Raymond. If I thought my husband was fantasizing about loads of other women he had seen on the internet when we were having sex I would be devastated. It really is bringing many other women into the marriage bed which is supposed to be kept pure.Its very very sad that so many are into this destructive habit that hurts their spouse so much.

Raymond
31st August 2010, 08:25 AM
We think alike on that subject Chosen.

Raymond

chosen
6th November 2010, 08:03 PM
Sweetums why on earth should or would a wife want to have sex with a man who has got aroused by looking at porn? Porn is unfaithfullness. The images dont go away, the man is probably thinking about them when he has sex with his wife. Porn and masturbation is totally selfish, out to satisfy yourself with no thought at all of anyone else. Sex with another person is giving as well as taking. Giving and receiving love and pleasure. It is satisfying and good and brings the married couple closer. Bringing in porn, lust, masturbation etc drives them apart and makes sex wrong and damaging. It distorts it from what it is meant to be.

The man needs to concentrate 100% on his own wife,on her body, her emotions and the two of them together. He should be aroused by her and her alone. No one else should be included in anyway, whether is is by looking at mags, looking at porn on the internet, or watching a porn movie. Yes he will get aroused by that, but not by the one person that he needs to be loving and respecting. To watch naked women, and then expect your wife to have sex because these other women have made you horny is incredibly cruel and unloving. There is no way that I would ever accept that in my own marriage, and fortunately my husband would never treat me like that.

God is amazingly wise when it comes to sex. After all, he invented it, One passage in the Bible says "be faithful to the wife of your youth. Let her breasts satisfy you at ALL times". Not other womens breasts, but HERS.

Raymond
6th November 2010, 09:37 PM
I agree with that.

Swetums is saying it is alright if you don't ejaculate. Is he saying that one can have erections over other woman's bodies and antics so long as you don't E? I think the damage has been done already when you have been looking at it and lusting. There is a sexual drive there and it is going towards the images and not to one's wife. This is a mental adultery in the heart surely? Sex is more than physical I believe. It is spiritual as well. There is something behind it that can make one an addict. Some men won't touch their wives because of it as their heart has gone to others in the sexual arena. The more you give to porn the more it will destroy your marriage.

Drink water from your own well - share your love only with your wife. Why spill the water of your springs in public, having sex with just anyone? (mentally?) You should reserve it for yourselves. don't share it with strangers. Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice with the wife of your youth. She is a loving doe, a graceful deer. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be intoxicated with her love. Why be captivated my son with an immoral woman, or embrace the breasts of an adulterous woman. Proverbs 5: 15/20

newlywed09
12th January 2011, 07:09 AM
It is so good to read that I am not the only one going through this. Me and my husband were married in 2009 and recently celebrated our one year anniversary. We have talked about that fact that I believe that watching porn is cheating and that if I found out he was watching it that it would be grounds for divorce. I also believe that MB should not be going on AT ALL because in marriage that is how it should be. When me and my husband first married we talked about MB and porn and said he had never done neither and never would. I believed him and we talked about it some more but not a lot.

A few days ago ... Well me and my husband usually wake up at the same time in the morning and we both shower then get ready and leave together. But this particular morning I was going to sleep in a little and he was getting up to take a shower. I then thought I might as well get up. I went into the bathroom and went to open the shower curtain to say something to my husband and I caught him MB. I was so shocked that I just walked out and went back to bed. My husband comes in about 10 min later and asks me why I'm not getting ready. I told him I was going to leave a little later than him. He kept asking me what was wrong. I told him nothing because I didn't feel like talking about it just then. He then left for work and I got ready to leave. When I got to work he text me and asked me what was wrong this morning and I told him that he lied about that stuff that we had talked about. I then asked him about watching porn and he said that he did it all the time and he was sorry and wants to change. He said he has had a problem with it for a while and tried to stop when we got married but couldn't. I believe that if you want ed to you could stop. I also feel like this could lead to more things like actual cheating. So I'm not sure if I wanna stay. I feel so betrayed because of him lying to me. And he looked at porn which I told him I would divorce over. So I don't know what to do now ........

chosen
12th January 2011, 11:56 AM
Goodness I am so sorry you must be very upset.Probably the worst thing in my mind is that he lied about the fact that he never did it before you married. So you sort of married under false pretenses. That was very wrong of him.
If he really wants to stop there are all sort of computer blockers that can be installed to stop access to these sites. The computer can be put in a central location in the house so that he cannot hide it.
If he is prepared to stop then are you willing to stay? You could tell him that, but that it must stop or you will seperate, and if he agrees to stop, you can work on this together. Maybe counselling may help, and also putting in place some of the blocking programmes.
I know women who have said its the porn or me, and sometimes that works. Sometimes men wont stop until they HAVE to and are going to loose their families. Maybe the shock of your hurt and reaction today will be anough to show him that he has to stop before it gets any worse.
You two need to talk this out.

Raymond
13th January 2011, 07:09 PM
I agree with Chosen. He seems to have the images in his mind judging by his actions. Yes he should have confessed it before you were married, especially as you specifically brought it up.

I think porn can be grounds for divorce but only when the husband is not even trying to stop. Most of it will be from the computer and he needs to co-operate with you regarding what Chosen suggested. It definitely does not go with marriage as all intimacy should be between the husband and wife alone. I would imagine he has a level of addiction by the sound of it so he really needs to mean business.

I feel for you as you have only been married for a year or so and this has been going on from before the marriage. Perhaps getting him to read some of the threads on here will open his eyes as to what is happening.

Well done for confronting him as that is exactly what you need to do. I think you are right in that it could get worse if he doesn't stop and could lead to other things. You need time now as to what you plan to do.

john45
16th February 2011, 02:25 PM
me and my wife had the same issue were i wanted to masterbate and not have sex. i couldnt explain why my mood was turing off but we went to counciling for it and westarted to introduce different things like role play,dress up,and spending more time hugging kisses and being spontauis

walshy2
21st February 2011, 05:06 PM
Hi, sorry to here your problem or should I say his! It looks to me he has addiction to masturbating to porn. I think you need to have a serious talk with him, and concealing might be the way to go.

Hope you get things sorted.

Raymond
22nd February 2011, 02:03 PM
What do you mean concealing?

carla
20th April 2011, 07:32 AM
Hi all

I have come to this site to try and find some answers. We dont make love as often now and I have found that my husband is masturbating, in the shower, before work, when I am not here.

He had an affair 10 years ago, it was a pretty torrid sex thing with a young girl half his age. He did say at the time the sex was amazing!!

A couple of times recently he has called me by her name and I am just wondering if he is mastubating whilst he is fantasizing about her?

I dont think he is playing away again as we are always together , but he is very distant towards me and I dont feel the closeness anymore we used to have.

I do feel betrayed when I know he has been masturbating. I know its a man thing but it feels like I am being cheated on

I am geting to the point where I want to blow this up in the air, have my say and clear off.

I want to be loved and feel loved at the moment I am just watching a looking for clues when he is doing it and I feel this is taking over my life.

I really would appreciate some advice.

Raymond
20th April 2011, 08:38 AM
I have heard and read about this before Carla. Some men are capable of fantasising in their minds and doing solo mb with it. I would say it is a form of mental adultery if the fantasies are about others. Do you know if he ever uses porn from the computer? Even if he doesn't this can be quite potent because of his imagination. I think that any sexual fantasies should only be about our wives and not others. That would rule out solo mb as if she is there in flesh and blood what is the point? This is more potent than some realise and can lead to wrong actions in some cases.

The only way around it would be for him to correct his mental habits and not indulge it. It is a diversion of the normal sexual drive and can be addictive. It is hard to get good advice on this as many say it is harmless when it is not. Until he knows it is wrong it will be hard for him to get the motivation to stop. You are not the first to mention this. It has been a feature on the sexless marriage thread.

The problem is that it is all in his head and there is nothing definite to prove so it will just be a case of him being faithful to his conscience and beating the problem.

chosen
20th April 2011, 10:58 AM
I Agree with Raymond.
The affair and now this, are deely hurtful to you. Has he properly repented for the affair and done all that he can to gain back your trust? MY family are full of people cheating, including my dad, and my husbands ex did this also and I have seen how destructive it is. Telling you the sex was amazing was also deeply hurtful, incredibly insensitive, and wrong.
I can also understand how hurtful it is also when you are there and he still masturbates.
Its like a rejection. His sexual thoughts and energies should be focused on you and you alone. I do think you need to talk to him about this.

Raymond
20th April 2011, 12:39 PM
Reflecting a bit further on this; the fact that he called you by her name Carla by mistake might indicate that he has not repented of the affair and that she could still feature in his sexual fantasies. It seems that he may have a real problem and any indication that it is a man's thing is a cop out from the sexual faithfulness that should be there.

Raymond
30th April 2011, 10:48 AM
I think it is a growing epidemic as well Tammy. Sex was meant to be in marriage not out of it, including mentally. Your post underlines this only too graphically. From the post it appears that men can become animals when the healthy sexual drive is diverted away from it's legitimate expression in the marriage bed.

I once heard the analogy that one has the fire in the fireplace (marriage). Have it anywhere else and it burns the house down. Hasn't God already shown this in the scriptures?

1aokgal
11th May 2011, 03:56 AM
Thanks Tammy for the article above.

This article rather illustrates the hopelessness of the problem without long term psychotherapy.

Chamomile
21st May 2011, 10:28 AM
There was a program on tv last night (could well be a repeat) re. m****n addiction in a couple of British Men.
They were going to the US for some special therapy. I didn't find the topic interesting enough for me (in fact, it's so GROSS) so didn't watch it till the end.

goldenlady54
8th April 2012, 06:30 AM
I haven't been intimate with my husband in 5 years (and counting). We've been together almost 29 years; and he has a diagnosed problem that causes this problem. His medication was recently changed, and he will spend all night masturbating. Then come to bed in time to wake me up an hour before I have to get up to go to work. Prior to that, we were dealing with erectile dysfunction; or some times he said he just wasn't interested. In order to insulate my feelings, I had to close myself off, or I would drive myself crazy. So now, the reason why we have no intimacy, in his opinion, is my fault. I miss the intimacy yes ... but I refuse to set myself up to 1) have a failed attempt; or 2) have him fall asleep. Can't do it anymore. So what do I do now?

1aokgal
8th April 2012, 07:58 AM
Dear Golden Lady54...

You have my great sympathy for loss of intimacy in your marriage. It is his problem, but it submerges most of the joy that could be there for you if you worked to change the situation together. Unfortunately, that behavior you describe is likely already set, and addictive for a man. That means there is no acknowledgement, on his part, that there are other ways to bring sex into the marriage. Intimacy might be somewhat better by various treatments. There are pills, penal implants, and other apparatus, and sex can still be fulfilling for you if he would choose to explore the options. There is also sex if he put other parts of his body to the task.

Masturbation is a selfish, infantile way to handle his own release, with no though to how he robs his partner, psychologically, emotionally and physically. It also becomes addictive for the man and it is always available. The more he uses this sexual method, the less sensitivity to your touch, and to any coitus in the marriage. MB robs the man of his performance with his wife and sets him up to complete reliance on self stimulation. He also probably uses porn to bring th eadded dimension to fantasy of other womens' bodies. Not easy for a wife to compete with 20 year old scantily clad porn models in the hard core mags.

I know well what you deal with as it began that way in my marriage 20 years ago. So I live in a 20 yr time sexless marriage devoid of intimacy. We are married now 32 years. Since the celebacy is not of my choice, there is anger, resentment and one becomes...shall we say it..a bitter person, unless you have a lot of coping mechanisms. One can have an affair or other other non-gratifying modes. It is quite terrible to lose intimacy with a man who verbalizes his love, but leaves a wife to rot in the sun, so to speak. Personally, I know the rage, sadness and emptiness that comes after you are robbed of a normal marriage.

When a man meets his own needs, he will always fall back on that method. It is easy and always available. Why should he exert effort to exert himself for another, when he is all self reliant! I practised salavation for myself when I made him comfortable in another bedroom a few years into this situation. My husband did not have ED, he simply chose his own way. I read numerous books on the problem and according to experts, even with long term psychiatry, men with this problem generally do not change. Most don't acknowledge there is a problem. The fact is ..they have no problem. It is a narcissistic tendency and most of these men have lived their life pretty much the same.

One thing you should never do is to accept the blame that one may feel you have done something wrong as a woman or a wife. It really has nothing to do with you! So don't internalize that you are not attractive enough, sexy enough, slim enough..because none of that seems to matter.

A woman will take out some self-punishment because one does feel the rejection and the loss. What a woman in such a marriage has to do is decide whether one stays married and if so, how you deal with what is usally unchangeable. The drinking, eating, smoking and other behaviors is not the way to deal with the problem.

You must find your own way to do things that are rewarding, bring peace, and some measure of happiness. I paint, sew, stay close to family and keep busy. I made sure I made him comfortable in another bedroom years ago. That is my space, and I will choose not to share space with someone who has rejected me as a woman.

I don't feel judgmental to a woman who chooses to have an affair under such conditions, but most feel the loss of emotional outlet more than loss of the sex. If there is a sin, it is for a man to steal the intimacy from the marriage. When a woman loves that man, it is an even greater hardship. You will have very lonely years unless you take control of how you live with this problem. I doubt your husband will change because this works for him.

It is very hard to see some of your best and most attractive years become empty and devoid of passion. So you must find passion in ways that you find fulfilling. If you find you can't live with this man than it may be time to say the marriage is broken beyond repair. If he is unwilling to get counselling and work to change things, before the pattern is too ingrained to alter. I offer little encouragement because generally such a marriage is like two people living separate lives.

chris1729
17th June 2012, 01:54 AM
1aokgal: great answer, well expressed, clearly coming from years of experience and from a very mature lady.

I would say, though, that a *small* amount of masturbation within marriage is OK. It can help when sex drives are mis-matched: and they nearly always are.

Reading this forum confirms my view that a mutually satisfying sex life is essential to marriage for nearly all people.

chosen
17th June 2012, 01:03 PM
Chris I agree with you. Its makes such a difference.

1aokgal
25th June 2012, 10:08 PM
Hi Chris..

I think men rely a bit more on masturbation overall as the instrument is so external and quite an unusual toy. I see no problem in masturbation unless it supplants a partner and robs a man of interest to have relatioship with his spouse. The truth is often that a man begins to rely too much on that method and, since the stimulation is better self adminstered, he can become fixated on that method.

Women are usually too busy and not manufactured toward self pleasure, unless that is a fill-in for where there is absence or unavailability of a coitus partner. It is a pretty narcissistic behavior. Personally, I think women prefer a love relationship over physical gratification. Maybe women select to put gratification on a back burner and for men it is more a necessity? Men are physical, women are cerebral perhaps.

Raymond
26th June 2012, 05:42 PM
I think the important thing is what is going on in your mind when you are doing it. If one is fantasising about other women then it can be a type of mental adultery in my view. Personally I cannot see the point if my wife is living with me. I have heard it said that it is ok if you have a higher sex drive than your wife. Mmm I think it is healthier for her to do something. Sex should always be a shared thing in my view. If one must do it then think about the wife, but then again what is the point of that if she is available.

LibraLady
13th November 2013, 05:28 PM
Well, what if the husband doesnt make love to the wife and she masturbates often rather than cheat?

1aokgal
17th November 2013, 03:11 AM
Sounds like a good idea as a coping mechanism, short term, but self gratification is not a long term solution for a frustrating sexless marriage. This is an especially sad commentary, if both are meeting Their own needs, and are not only physically, but emotionally distant.

I'd do some confrontation on why there is no sex before the behavior becomes a set way of life. It is unfair that one person forces a sexless way of life on another. There is also the possibility that the one who has withdrawn, meets their needs with another person outside the marriage. One has to be a detective to get answers. Sometimes those answers mean the end of a marriage or the end of normal expectations.

chosen
18th November 2013, 08:33 PM
Well, what if the husband doesnt make love to the wife and she masturbates often rather than cheat?

Cheating is a choice, and isn't something that we HAVE to do if we arent having sex in the marriage.

LibraLady
25th November 2013, 05:29 PM
We all make choices in our marriages, but we must realize that our choices affect our spouses, wether they know it or not.

We are all responsible for our own actions. I know that if I choose to get sex elsewhere, its MY choice and I wouldnt say that my spouse pushed me to it and vice versa.

Raymond
25th November 2013, 06:18 PM
Well, what if the husband doesnt make love to the wife and she masturbates often rather than cheat?

It's easy for me to give advice not being in that position. If it happened to me no doubt I'd be sorely tempted to meet the need in a wrong way. That is why the scripture says the husband does not have power over his body but the wife does and vice versa. It also says make sure you do that so that you won't be tempted. Have sex together that is.

Thinking about that I would discuss it with my wife as opportunity came up non stop to let her know how important it is. Somehow you have to get it across to him how important it is ED or not. Could you get him on here or is that too near the mark for you?

As for mb who am I to judge? I could not guarantee that I would not do it in such mitigating circumstances. It is not really about that it is about getting the sex going properly with your husband. If he watches porn and mb's there is obviously a drive there that is being misdirected.

Roses
28th November 2013, 08:12 PM
I often think that men are very complex.

Hope you don't mind me asking this Libra. Was it a mutual decision to have a child together? (I know it's a sensitive question..)

I asked this because he could be worried that you were going to get pregnant again? I do sometimes hear that some men aren't quite prepared to Fatherhood and they mentally struggle.

chosen
29th November 2013, 07:33 AM
We all make choices in our marriages, but we must realize that our choices affect our spouses, wether they know it or not.

We are all responsible for our own actions. I know that if I choose to get sex elsewhere, its MY choice and I wouldnt say that my spouse pushed me to it and vice versa.

Yes but it would further damage your marriage. I suppose I can never understand a woman wanting sex with a stranger. We are programmed to need that loving relationship to go with the sex. To me, sex without love isn't worth bothering with. Thats just me.
Far better to work on the marriage and get some professional counselling.

Raymond
29th November 2013, 02:00 PM
I think that many seek love through sex outside of marriage but don't really find it. If one has a very high drive they would find it more difficult not to stray if the needs were not met within marriage however wrong it was.