Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

[nessievan]

Hi
Two years on from a marriage crisis, I find myself posting on here again, things that were not right in my marriage before have a way of rearing their ugly heads again.. for me my marriage was damaged by porn, prostitutes and an affair the first two were my husbands doing the last was down to me.. having hoped we could move on we put things behind us and try again.. we have young children and splitting up wasn't an option as we tried and found out..

Anyhow my main issue at the moment is the way my husband is happy to masturbate himself sometimes three or four times a week .. in the morning or at night rather than approach me.. he is not easy to talk to and last night I woke up to find him in the middle of this act !! it annoyed me and I asked was he not embarrased to be found doing this when I was laying next to him, he said it was normal and that most blokes did it, but what worries me and I said this , was that he cannot make love to me to the end, he has to finish himself off and this can sometimes take 10 minutes or more..it's almost like he is so used to doing it himself that he doesn't know how to do it any other way now.. I mentioned this too and he reckons that all blokes do it this way, as they don't want to get their wives pregnant !!!.we have four children but have been able to plan these with dates etc . I actually think he has watched too many porn films ( where this does take place) that he thinks it's normal.. This morning however I am wondering if I am over reacting, is this behaviour normal !!!
I have had a few more relationships than him in the past and haven't experienced it before really... he is quite un imaginative in the bedroom and when we have made love.. and he is finishing himself he will put his arm over his face ( I hate this as it appears that he may be trying to concentrate on a fantasy that doesn't involve me)..

Please any advice would be great .

[Raymond]

It sounds like he is addicted to the practice you mentioned not to mention the porn. No all men do not do this. If I did it I know that it would be taking away from the intimacy I enjoy with my wife unless I was thinking of her, but if she is available what's the point.

The spirit behind male masturbation does not want intercourse. Believe me on this. It's wrapped up in itself and probably porn. I'm not talking about the odd misdemeanor that single males get involved in, but surely all that should finish upon marriage.

Who knows what images are in his mind when doing it. It is a very boring thing to do without the images, so porn is playing a part.

I think he should make an effort to relate to you in every way including physically, get counseling and finish these practices that you are not even part of.

Raymond

[isthisworthit?]

Hi there, and sorry to hear that you are having problems. Like yourself, we only managed to sort out our problems this time last year, and again they are rearing their ugly heads (in my case these heads are real) but back to your problems.
I have read somewhere that where a man is used to masturbation and it has been going on a long time, he finds it difficult to come to climax through sex alone as the amount of pressure and friction is not enough, having got used to the greater effect of masturbation. - Does this make sense? I think your husband will need a lot of weaning off masturbation in order to climax just with sex, and will probably need counselling help as there is often a deep rooted reason.
Hope this helps.

[Rex]

I hurt when I hear of your situation.

Perhaps your husband is so accustomed to masturbation that he doesn't want to complete the full act with you. When my wife and I first married 8 years ago, she complained about the "mess" that sex caused. I would often feel badly about that and not want to finish the entire act with her. I would offer to wear condoms to prevent the messiness but she was not in favor of that. Although in the back of my mind, I always felt that sex was supposed to be that way. She has not complained about it recently which helps me relax and enjoy finishing.

I would suggest that you and your husband seek out some counseling to work through the issues. You mentioned that he is not easy to talk to so a third-party who is neutral would possibly help. In the meantime, I would just convey to him how you would prefer for him to finish with you vs. masturbation and how important it is to you.

My best regards to you toward a resolution.

[ElizStan]

I have been married 27 years - and for most of our marriage sex has been sporadic. Over the last 10 years we've probably made love no more than 4 times. We normally go for 2-3 years without sex. My husband has always worked long hours at our business, staying late most nights. He'd use so many excuses over the years - he was too tired, etc.

Earlier in our marriage he would want oral sex (never returning the favor) because he said he was too tired for intercourse. Then I got tired of one-sided sex (he's never ever given me an orgasm or even tried) and stopped jacking him off or giving him oral. When we did have intercourse, he would withdraw after about 5 minutes and want to finish off by hand. I begged for him to use a condom so I could feel him finish inside of me, but he said he didn't like the feel.

18 months ago while going through a credit card statement looking for something I'd charged, I noticed items I didn't recognize. I dug back 5 years and found out that he'd spent AT LEAST $11,000 on porn during that time. I realized that he'd stay at work and masturbate to porn. I left him, but came back to him after he promised to go to counseling. He asked me to be patient with him. He read books on sexual addiction and went to a therapist for about 4 months. He said he did not want to sully our love by bringing that side of him into a relationship. He has cut all sexual feelings for me off because he can only be aroused by porn. We still haven't made love and I have caught him masturbating to porn again after assuring me everything was "better". I am 50 years old and still have very strong sexual feelings - the thought of being in a celibate marriage for the rest of my life fills me with dread. But it's so difficult to break with a man you've loved for 29 years......I don't feel that he will ever change - if my leaving him this year for 6 weeks (he was devastated) was not motivation enough to work on this, I don't know what is. But it's such a hard decision.

[Ageing Grace]

I'm completely ignorant of this situation but I have a genuine question.

Supposing a man with the habit, as you've described in your posts, wants to regain (or gain for the first time) his enjoyment of full sex - would it be helpful for his wife to forget about penetrative sex for a while, and engage in mutual masturbation? I realise you'd probably have to teach him how to return the favour, and I'm sure some of you have tried.

I'm thinking it's not so different from the way adolescent boys behave, and maybe 'heavy petting' is the way forward, as it is for teenagers.

I'd value your take :)
Thank you,
AG

[Raymond]

The porn and the MB are the problems here. Nothing you do in the bedroom will help while this is going on. It is really mental adultery. You are competing with all these images in his head. His normal sexual drive has been diverted into this stuff. This is serious business these days. I have read in the telegraph that in the USA nearly 50% of divorces involve porn. I shouldn't think it is that much different in the UK.

Your husband is surely addicted and needs help. He has to want it with all his heart though and accept that it is not right what he is doing. The only anwers I have heard of are through Christ with specialised christian counseling. There may be others but I haven't heard of them.

If any wife is reading this and suspects her husband of using porn confront it straight away. It will be a deadly enemy of the intimacy you should enjoy in the bedroom.

Raymond

[1aokgal]

ElizStan....

I hold no optimism for your situation. I am in a long term marriage with a man I still love.
The last time was 16 years ago this month. It is an anniversary of goodbye to my life as a wife. Counselling for a short time did no good, anger, threats, tears and many long talks through the years and my life has pretty much passed me by.

I also had two really great opportunities within the last few months to proceed into a double life with two really fine men. You would not believe that both approached me on a day I was in jeans, tennis shoes, long hair pulled back in a band and no makeup. That must be a winner look for me. I am called "girlish" by my husband.

One man is a younger, prominent doctor and quite a hunk. He followed me out of the Mercedes repair shop to continue our conversation which was casual and of no consequence. This was followed by calls and internet contact from my information he got at the dealership where I had my car repaired. I knew he was very interested as he invited me several times to dinner and such knowing my circumstances. It was flattering but not within my personality to
walk a double life.

I think I must be pretty stupid to walk clear in view of how sterile is my life. Incidentially, my husband works in another area and usually flies here two weekends a month. It is more likely my own lack of confidence, rather than my moral compass, which made my decision to honestly say this friendship would not be good idea for me for many reasons. I won't analyze it. I had a feeling of regret but I don't need complications more than a sexless marriage. Perhaps I have grown used to my life. There is truth that when one stays with a rejecting spouse we enable the pattern.

My husband brought me a beautiful diamond heart pendant when he came the few days for Xmas. I will be alone New Years as usual. He loves my being here. No, he has no wife somewhere else. It might have been better to change the locks and pull in the welcome mat and find some real life but time has passed for that.

[Raymond]

Happy New Year 1Okgal!

Raymond

[1aokgal]

Happy New Year, Raymond....


Happy New Year to you and yours. Thanks for all the help you give troubled people and your kindness here is most appreciated.

I carried out the trash at midnight BUT I am excited about another year and the chance we all have to make changes in ourselves and help another where we can.

Wish we here could meet in the flesh and pat backs as the world could use more wisdom and kindness. There are many here who share some profound truths.
God bless.

[1aokgal]

Happy New Year to my dear friend here, Bambar.
I think she monitors but does not post lately. I hope things are better for you and the coming year brings blessings.

I often think of you and how your observations and keen wit are such a breath of fresh air.
Love to you
1AOKGAL

[MarkTwain]

I have written a lot on other forums about this subject. Basically men are wired differently to women. Once a man has ejaculated, he loses all interest in sex for a while. even though he can get another erection quite quickly, he would not enjoy sex all that much if he is over 25 until half a day to two days have elapsed.

When men jerk off to porn, it's the ejaculation that robs his wife of her dues. If you can stop a man wasting his seed in this way, he will eventually get horny enough to start desiring his wife.

I think women in this situation need to get their men to stop all solo ejaculations. If the men continue, they are just being selfish.

[1aokgal]

Dear All...
This practice is an ADDICTION as baffling as alcoholism. There is always fantasy involved and porn, either directly, or indirectly. The longer the pattern is set the harder it is to find the way back to real life.

This is a relationshop problem wheeby the man does not have to extend himself for another to meet her needs. He has no fear of failure as in intercourse. When a man gratifies himself so much and then tries to have intercourse he will generally have ED problems. He has more physical sensation meeting his own needs.

The physical sensation is not the same for the man and the fear of failure causes impotency. The time in between attempts extends. The man LIKES the masturbation better than intercourse where he has to meet the womans' needs. It is not about additional sexual gratification, it replaces normal sex.

Ask me, I know. My husband has had no intercourse for 16 years in this marriage.
If you want to have sex, buy a vibrater, find a lover, or get rid of him.

[MarkTwain]

1aokgal-

I agree with your analysis.

Did your husbands last few attempts with you end in failure/ED?

[Ageing Grace]

What's ED?
oh ... erectile dysfunction?

[Raymond]

I agree with 1okgal analysis. We have been over this many times on here and seem to have reached a sort of consensus on it.

It goes far beyond the man just Oing by himself then not wanting IC. Porn and solo MB are killers of the normal sex drive as part of relationship with ones wife. A lot of solo MB will include fantasies of others either through porn or the sheer ability to fantasise which I believe can go into a dangerous area. All these things have the effect of seperating yourself sexually and even relationally from your wife. Mental adultery in short.

This is a true story believe it or not just for your ears. A man and wife were in a marriage where the husband preferred his fantasies and pleasing himself. Quite often in these fantasies he would see a young blonde girl of about five years (I think spiritual things are involved here hence the danger). On this day the girl was in his fantasies again. He then went downstairs and was surprised to see the actual girl of the fantasy. He ended up molesting her. She had been left with the couple to look after by her trusted parents. His wife discovered him and called the police. The man was arrested protesting that he had never molested children before, (although the seeds were obviously there in his fantasies).

This is an extreme case but it underlines what can happen in the realm of fantasy where it can be more than meets the eye.

Names have not been given here, but the couple came for help at a much later date to a certain ministry I know about and this is part of what happened.

Raymond

[MarkTwain]

Raymond-

That story is a little over the top, in that most people would not do something so immoral or break the law due to a fantasy.

Most fantasies are never acted out, much to the annoyance of many a husband. For instance many women say they never fantasize, yet under closer questioning they do. A sexual daydream is a fantasy for instance, and most women will admit to that.

but going back to your story, any man who prefers his own hand over his willing wife has serious problems. It happens, and this forum is full of it, but I would not say it is a high percentage of all marriages.

In fact, I would love to know the percentage...

[Raymond]

Trouble is it is not a story Mark. It is true even if it is extreme. It may be true that most fantasies stay fantasies but you cannot always be sure if the opportunity presented itself. With the solo MB as well it is mental adultery in my book.

I don't know about % but I do know that porn figures in 50% of divorces in the US.

Raymond

[ard061106]

I am a 28 year old married woman living in London. I am not from the Uk, I moved here from the US to be with my husband, giving up my job and new apartment in the name of compromising and in what worked for both of us at the time. It was difficult for me to adjust here, especially since I am studying and lost my job 6 months ago. I have noticed that my husband was very distant for the past 4 months. We hardly make love/sex nowadays, when we use to have passionate sex on average 4-6 times a week. It is now down to 3 - 5 times a month. However, now there is no passion, just sex...physical sex. I went through a very dark phase in my live lately, feeling down, insecure, a failure , etc. My husband noticed this in me and tried to help. I told him how I felt a week ago about how I feel that every time we are in bed, it's very physical..as if I was a piece of meat. I questioned myself if I was not attractive enough anymore, if I let myself go and this took a real stab at my self esteem. Yesterday, I woke up earlier than expected and cought my husband masturbating while watching porn online. I felt like my heart was stabbed with a thousand knives. I took a pair of PJ's and stayed at the nearest hotel. He said that he has a problem, an addiction and that he's going to get help. He made several calls to get help today and I am sure he will try to get the help he needs. However, I don't feel like I can stay married to him anymore because of what he has done. He saw me going through depression and I begged him to let me know what was going on, which he put the blame on his stress at the time. I want out. He's begging me to stay with him. I just feel like he will put me through so much more in the future and I have lost trust in him. I know he hasn't slept with another woman but I still feel betrayed. I could be talking out of anger, but I would really like to know if there are other women out there that I can get advice from and share stories because I don't have anyone to talk to.

[lucyjuice]

You know I was in a similar situation, and guess what I beat him at his own game... I researched some sites and found one, that suited my needs.

Since then I haven't regretted it and actually now my hubby needs me more so using affairs sites like loveisthebug et al, can actually save relationships too.

And girls, not every guy wants sex, sometimes they just need a friend and a coffee!

[Raymond]

Ard I sympathise with you. You are very perceptive. You knew something was wrong even before you found out. Porn is mental adultery and does affect a marriage and the sexual intimacy within it. It is completely understandable how you feel.

Is he able to overcome this? He might be able to, but until he is able to it is like you having sex with other women partaking as well. They will be in his head as well and causing him not to be sensitive to you.

If you cannot live with this it is your prerogative to exit the marriage. If he hates it enough he can overcome it, although with some it has entered an addiction state and needs drastic action.

Raymond

[ard061106]

Thank you Raymond.

I found out that he has this ‘urge’ and then he masturbates rather than coming to me. He explained to me that it makes him feel like he is away from all the stress around him. Life has been difficult lately, especially financially. So I understand that part of it. However, he also explained to me that when he masturbates (he calls it ‘having a moment’) he does it in a very sexual way, without any emotions and that’s why he doesn’t want to bring this in bed. So the best way of avoiding treating me like some meat was by not having sex with me at all. I too noticed that we were not making love anymore ( about 6 months now) and told him how I felt about it two weeks ago and that I don’t feel loved and that I am being pushed away. And of course at this point I asked myself if I let myself go (gained 5 lbs only though), if I couldn’t please him anymore and basically blamed myself for him not wanting me anymore. His response to this was that he is so stressed, that I should not blame myself and that it will get better. I had asked him if he was taking care of himself and he acted so shocked that I would ask such a thing and said he wasn’t and couldn’t even think about sex because of the stress at work and at home. In the past, when we were engaged and not living together and as a married couple, we would tell each other when we ‘had a moment’, as he calls it, and tell the other that their were on our mind.

Now, he has told me that he it addicted to masturbating and that he has done this while watching porn about five times. He also told me that he doesn’t feel better after he is done and that he does this about 5 times a week and max of 3 times a day.

He made an appointment to speak to someone about this today and I went with him and waited in the waiting room. As I waited, trying to read a magazine, I felt like a friend, not like a wife. I don’t know how to explain how I feel anymore. I want to stay with him because I know he loves me, use to go crazy over me, but there is a big part of me that believes he will hurt me again and it will only get worse. A pessimist, some would say, but, I also need to start loving myself again.

It hurts me to think that he saw me going through depression the last couple of months, he even told me that he thinks I am depressed and he did nothing to help. I felt like I was in a black grave like hole, trying to climb out but didn’t have the physical and mental strength. After our talk I mentioned earlier, I forced myself to get out of bed, go for a walk, call friends, etc…and now I have fallen in a deeper whole. He saw me suffer and didn’t confess that our marriage problems had nothing to do with me. Nor did he give me a reason why the sex in our marriage was not the same and why he didn’t desire me anymore. A part of me has died. I believed in love and in wedding vows and that a man can be faithful. My father and mother have a very healthy relationship, I too thought that I deserve a person to love me back as much as I love them and not all men are unfaithful.

God I wrote so much. Sorry for boring you death.

Once again, thank you for listening and for your feedback. Greatly appreciated.

[Raymond]

You are not boring me Ard. Your comments are very valid. Also you musn't blame yourself as the problem is in him not you. Men are under temptation in this way in this era but if there is no resistance havoc can be reaped in a marriage. In the USA porn figures in 50% of divorces. It is probably not much different in the UK. It is basically a sexual unfaithfulness.

There is obviously a diversion of the sexual drive going on which is affecting the intimacy you should have. It is not just a diversion it is a kind of mental adultery, which is the damaging part. Jesus said if one looks at another woman to lust after her you have already committed adultery with her in your heart. Sex is that important and only belongs in the marriage between the husband and wife.

With regard to MB it is not so much the act but what is in the mind when doing it. If the mind is filled with fantasies of other women that can be damaging and addictive and obviously affect the marital intimacy.

At least he is trying to get help with this. It will be a fight if he is addicted and he needs to uderstand what is going on and how it robs you both of the real intimacy you should both have.

It must be awful for you to be dragged though this Ard but we live in an age when porn is available at the touch of a button and many are allowing themselves to become addicted. Some make light of it but I feel they do not understand the implications and the damage it can do to ones sexual make-up. If he could really understand that he will have more motivation for knocking it on the head. If he won't fight I don't know how you can live with this stuff.

Raymond

[elizabethissad]

I just found this site today and i am still trying to figure out how it works. I am sooo glad that i am not alone even though i very much feel like it. I have been married for 12 years and I love my husband very much. Call me stupid for staying after all of this time. I feel like i have lost a part of my self through the years as my husband prefers masturbation over me. I feel like i am losing my mind sometimes. I am always wondering what he is doing. I feel like I cant live like this anymore. We also have 3 children. I have always hoped that things would get better but thet havent. Sometimes we go 3 months 6 months or even a years without sex. what do i do? i am so lost today?

****

[Raymond]

Is there porn involved in this Elizabeth or is it just mb on it's own? It may be that he came into marriage with this habit and cannot beat it. The main problem is what is happening in his head? Is he fantasising about other women? Some can have pretty strong imaginations. It is a kind of mental adultery if that is happening. He almost certainly is imagining other women as he does it. If he could see it as mental adultery there is hope. At the very least he is denying you the marriage rights you should expect in marriage.

Raymond

[ard061106]

Hi Raymond. I just want to thank you for your help in a difficult time in my life.

I had a wonderful, best in my life Valentine’s Day this year…My husband went to a S.A.A meeting for the first time to admit to his addiction. I hope you sensed the sarcasm of this being the best Valentines. Anyhow, I went with him and waited with a frozen cup of coffee that was not even once sipped while I tried to read my book wondering what the person I married was confessing to. The thought made me nauseous. An hour later, a man that appeared to have less weight on his shoulders and a huge smile walked towards me and hugged me for a good 15 minutes.

We had dinner while he told me things that he wanted to share with me, things that he tried to forget, he was robbed of his innocence when he was 13 years old. It broke my heart to hear how he was treated by an adult at such a young age.

We are truly trying to work things out while he goes to therapy and to the SAA meetings. The one thing I now know is that he is trying so hard to become a better man and that I will be there for him all the way. I envy his courage, as most people that have been sexually molested do not have the courage or strength to tell anyone, let alone seek help.

As for me, I am learning to love myself by taking care of myself and plan to go through counselling.

I hope that God gives me and anyone out there who’s going through a difficult time, the strength that is needed.

Once again, thank you. God bless.

[Raymond]

That's really great Ard. You are one of the few that has ended up with a positive. It will be a battle as you know, but you can make it with His help.

Raymond

[nw_guy]

Ladies, It is not just men that lose their sex drive.

[brokenheartedfromPA]

Dear Elizabethissad

Like you, I am just so glad to have found other women who are going through the same thing. My husband and I have only been married for 6 years, but we've been having problems with him looking at porn and masturbating and counseling since we were only newlyweds. I asked him why, and his answer was that he was simply not attracted to me anymore. After counceling and many tears he aparently now really loves me and finds me very attractive. To be honest with you, I don't believe him. I don't know if I ever will again.

I explained to him then that it really hurt me. Not because he was masturbating, but because he was sneaking around behind my back and refusing to have sex with me. To me it's like having an affair and breaking my trust. I felt so horrible when family and friends would make comments about our newlywed status and how we're probably going at it like rabbits...haha, but to me it was no joke. At that point we would go a month sometimes 2 without sex. Now it's usually 3-5 months of no sex. I am thinking there might be something wrong with me. Maybe I'm oversexed or something, because I keep asking as he's always so rude when he denies me.

Then, about 6 months ago I borrowed his car to go to the store and when the radio switched on, I heard these girls breathing and talking about sex and how hot they get. He was listening to porn over the radio.

It broke my heart. I moved to be with him from a different country. Left all my family and friends behind, because I truly believed that I would never find another man that would love me as much as he loves me.

His latest thing was last week. I've just had a feeling that he's been masturbating again behind my back. I guess because I've come to expect a fallout every 6 months or so.
Here he starts rambling on and on about he just had a wet dream. Then he starts saying it's not like he does it ALL the time. Usually just now and then in the shower before he goes to work in the mornings. It just hurts sooo much!! The fact that he would choose self gratification, when he knows I would love to have sex with him. I feel so betrayed and stupid for believing him everytime he apologizes and say he'll never do it again. Then a month or so later he just does it again.
I asked him why he was doing it when he knew how much it hurt me, and he said that the physical pleasure overrides his guilt. So he choses physical pleasure over our marriage and my love for him??!! I just can't stop crying.
I'm 6 months pregnant and actually started having some contractions while I was crying.

If I was just pregnant and did not have any other children with him, I would have left that afternoon I found out and just mailed him the divorce papers.
Unfortunately we have two beautiful boys besides the one that I'm expecting. The one is 18 months and the other one is 3 1/2years old. They absolutely adore their dad, especially the 3 1/2 year old.

I just can't take the emotional pain anymore. I'm only 29 years old, but I feel like I'm 50! Shouldn't this be the best years of our marriage? I'm not expecting moonshine and roses, but a little more passion and love than this, right? He's only 26?

I'm just so sad that my life turned out this way. I never wanted to get married, because of this reason. Because so many guys just don't care. Their excuse for everything is, well that's just how guys are.
Really? Are all guys just like this? My husband's father isn't? His mother would be shocked and hurt if she knew how he treated his wife. So, why does he think it's okay?

At this point I don't know whether I should give him yet another chance. I just never thought I'd ever get married. I'm a very strong Christian and do not believe in divorce unless there has been numerous cheating or abuse.

Technically it's not really adultery if he's not actually having sex with another woman, so everybody keeps telling me.

In the Bible God says that if a man so much as desire another woman other than his wife, he is committing adultery.

He doesn't come to church with me and the boys either. It's just all becoming so painful and overwhelming.

[Raymond]

I always say it is a kind of mental adultery BrokenHearted. You were quoting Jesus words when he said that if anyone looks at a woman to lust after her he has already committed adultery with her in his heart. That is what is happening in pornography and many times the MB because of what the mind fixes itself on when it happens. We have been over this subject quite a lot in the past.

No there is nothing wrong with you BH. He probably came into the marriage with the habit. It will rob you of the intimacy you should have as it is a misdirection of the sex drive and will affect the sex even when it happens because of it. When he feels like sex his mind will be filled with these images he remembers from the porn and he will seek it again or maybe just remember the images while he MB.

It is good that you are in a church. That will help a lot if you have pastors who know how to deal with this. He will have a battle to win to be free of it but he will have to face the truth of it to start. No all men do not do it. I know it would detrimentally affect my sex life if I did. It's husbands love your wives not some porn image.

You have to confront it which you have. All I can say is that he can get free if he wants to with all his heart. He will need that commitment to do it. It would help if he is a believer as God can work on his concience as He does. Saying all men do it is a bit of a cop out. He needs to get beyond that.

Raymond

[bouk]

Maybe he is not enjoy make love anymore. That's why he prefer to masturbate.

[1aokgal]

I was asked what happened the last time we were together? That is ancient history. I don't remember being with him or what happened..probably nothing happened.

I don't remember intimacy. That is part of life I lost. Strange as it seems, he is anxious to come home when he can be here. I care deeply for him. I just don't think of him often in any intimate way.

[1aokgal]

My husband has never been with a prostitute. That is not the problem.
He had a "no sex" problem with the woman he went with before I met him..30 years ago. She confronted him, and he left (or she wisely left him.)

We had no problems for half the marriage. Then began the long periods without sex which became years. It is not fixable and likely is a preference for MB. He works elsewhere and just flies home when he can. He calls me daily. He is a fine decent man and a good husband in all ways. I know he loves me but it is too late to repair the damage to the marriage.

[kyle82]

there are few times where masturbation or self pleasure is what we men, are looking for. but not in addiction or a form of disrespect with the partner. it's unethical to actually masturbate while your partner is right there beside and super horny.

[Totally-Relating]

I have been married 27 years - and for most of our marriage sex has been sporadic. Over the last 10 years we've probably made love no more than 4 times. We normally go for 2-3 years without sex. My husband has always worked long hours at our business, staying late most nights. He'd use so many excuses over the years - he was too tired, etc.

Earlier in our marriage he would want oral sex (never returning the favor) because he said he was too tired for intercourse. Then I got tired of one-sided sex (he's never ever given me an orgasm or even tried) and stopped jacking him off or giving him oral. When we did have intercourse, he would withdraw after about 5 minutes and want to finish off by hand. I begged for him to use a condom so I could feel him finish inside of me, but he said he didn't like the feel.

18 months ago while going through a credit card statement looking for something I'd charged, I noticed items I didn't recognize. I dug back 5 years and found out that he'd spent AT LEAST $11,000 on porn during that time. I realized that he'd stay at work and masturbate to porn. I left him, but came back to him after he promised to go to counseling. He asked me to be patient with him. He read books on sexual addiction and went to a therapist for about 4 months. He said he did not want to sully our love by bringing that side of him into a relationship. He has cut all sexual feelings for me off because he can only be aroused by porn. We still haven't made love and I have caught him masturbating to porn again after assuring me everything was "better". I am 50 years old and still have very strong sexual feelings - the thought of being in a celibate marriage for the rest of my life fills me with dread. But it's so difficult to break with a man you've loved for 29 years......I don't feel that he will ever change - if my leaving him this year for 6 weeks (he was devastated) was not motivation enough to work on this, I don't know what is. But it's such a hard decision.


Wow..You just described what I had been going throw the last 4 years of my marriage. I have been married 10 years. I had been asking my husband over and over what was wrong. He kept telling me nothing. I finally found porn on the computers, and confronted him. Exactly the same exact things you described happened to me, I was ready to leave, couldnt stand not having a sex life, and he always said he was tired, excepted the oral for himself, but never returned anything, or couldnt "arise" for intercourse. He says he has stopped, and things have improved but I dont know if I can trust that this is the end with out some kind of counseling. It is so helpful to hear your story. Thank you so much for posting it.

[Raymond]

It has to be totally cut off TR and any sexual relationship mentally or physically should only be with you, as it should be. It seems he is trying which is more than can be said for some. It is a kind of mental adultery and that is why the affects of it can be devastating.

It will take time for the addiction to loose it's hold and he cannot afford to indulge it for one minute as that can be back to square one in no time. There is no substitute for sexual faithfulness.

These things are massive struggles and many marriages have been wrecked through it. In the USA 50% of all divorces feature porn. I should not think the number is much different in the UK.

I really hope he gets the victory here for both your sakes. He needs to really continue fighting it though until he has mastery over himself.

Raymond