Pandy
30th March 2007, 02:10 AM
Well folks, I have just hit absolute rock bottom. Some of you know who I am...
My wife's birthday on Tuesday was a bit tense with the messaging on here, but yesterday everything hit a new low and went from bad to worse. I think a little history is in order.
The reason we're here is because I had a short-lived ridiculous affair at the beginning of 2006. My wife took it particularly hard because the one person who had always been the one to support her through bad times was the one who betrayed her. We had previously lived through me convincing her she was not in any way responsible for a serious sexual assault that happened to her when she was 14, stopping her self-harming, and 14 miscarriages. We have 3 beautiful children now and of our almost 18 years together have been married for nearly 11. Our relationship has always had its stormy moments, but these were well behind us and we were moving into the future after having accepted Christianity into our lives. I feel there was always some guilt in my mind about our past though - how I'd treated her, how we related, how much support I'd actually given her when things were really bad.
I spoiled it all by having a short-lived affair at the beginning of 2006. It was something that I think was down to the background guilt and a release from that, but also the misguided notion on my part that I was helping someone - and feeling worthwhile because of it. It has been so long since I've been able to do that for my wife. It went too far, there's no excuse. I realised my mistake eventually and together my wife and I tried to start again - she accepted me back. We went to joint counselling, then individual counselling, but have reached a point one year on where my wife cannot appear to accept that a mistake was made and put it behind her, and that all I want is my life with her and our children.
Recently things have been going reasonably well - we got a new rescue dog and seemed to be getting over some emotional hurdles. Because of our past history though, it is difficult for me to recognise what needs my wife has. I understand she needs attention and to feel loved, but it is difficult to separate that from abusive name-calling, and endless questions repeated over and over on the same topics about the affair. I simply don't know what to actually do sometimes, what is expected of me, which leads me most of the time to do nothing and simply focus on the practical side of things - like work.
I know this is all my fault and I accept that. I should never have done what I did.
But now it's gone to a whole new level.
In an attempt to show my wife the attention she had been asking for, yesterday morning in bed we were enjoying a cuddle and I was stroking and loving her. Until she said it was only because I wanted s3x. I could sense an argument coming so I rolled over and left it - to then start receiving torrents of verbal abuse. I asked her to stop and leave me alone. She went for a shower and I started doing the family ironing in the bedroom.
She came to the door and started to argue with me again, I asked her to stop (stupidly said "talk to the hand") and she left. She came back a few minutes later and started again. I was doing the ironing and had the iron in my hand - I turned and gestured for her to please leave me alone and said I didn't want to argue.
She went back to the bathroom and sat on the floor in front of the mirror to do her make-up and straighten her hair. I let a few minutes pass and went through, crouched down, put my arm round her and said I was sorry and that I didn't want to argue... she pulled away, turned round with hair straighteners brandished and said "go away psycho". I went, and as I did I unplugged the straighteners and tossed the plug behind me, in front of her, where it hit the cupboard door and landed on the floor.
I went downstairs to get my bike gear on to go to work, and said goodbye to the children. She had come down to the kitchen, and again started giving me verbal abuse from the kitchen, in my sight, at the back door. I was in the dining room and I turned and shook my fist at her (as one would a driver that has just cut you up) and asked her again to leave me alone. I was thankfully then able to leave. At no point during any of this did I touch her.
I messaged her in the morning apologising and saying that I hated arguing with her. No reply. I emailed later, no reply. I got home at about 8:30, nobody in the house. Messaged her asking where she was, no reply. Messaged again asking if she could let me know what was happening before I started phoning hospitals. No reply.
10 o'clock, knock at the door. Two policemen. Arrested me for assault on the basis of allegations made by my wife. I think they may have actually been made by a busybody friend of her's at school who happens to be the community liaison officer. (Added - been thinking about this and it's almost like there has been deliberate embellishment of the circumstances to meet some objective when discussions with this woman took place, with which my wife has gone along...)
The allegations were pure lies and exaggerations. I had, apparently, held a hot iron within one centimetre of her face. Pure lie. I had apparently thrown a plug directly at her, injuring her shoulder. Pure lie. There was no injury as my solicitor later told me. And, most fantastically of all, I had allegedly, downstairs, thrown punches at her (which had of course never hit any target).
So I get arrested for assault for trying my best to avoid an argument! I have been bad but this is pure evil! I understand she has even decided to support the charges (ie not drop them). I spent almost 20 hours in a prison cell before being interviewed and getting the opportunity to tell my side. At which point I am released on bail, unable to go to my house or contact my wife. I have to go back to the station in two weeks to find out if charges are to be brought (because I expect they couldn't given the lack of ANY injury or evidence whatsoever!). This is more than likely a cooling down period so the police know nothing is going to "happen", but it's totally surreal! It seems you can pretty much make any allegation, however unsubstantiated, about anyone, causing them to be arrested and held for up to 24 hours.
I believe this was motivated by revenge, and possibly the fact that my wife has recently expressed disappointment that she didn't divorce me for adultery within 6 months, thus losing that chance and the chance to name the op in the course of proceedings. Perhaps she's decided that this was the only way she could gain the upper hand morally and get rid of / divorce me. But it's so extreme, and could now mean me losing my livelihood (I was unable to contact work throughout the day today) and is totally uncalled for.
A few weeks ago she was in a period of anger, and it appeared to me that the only way I could contain her anger was by letting her vent it. I knelt on the floor and closed my eyes and said she should hit me. I begged her to hit me to get her anger out. She punched me around the head, neck and shoulders for a bit and went away. I tried to go to sleep on the couch downstairs and a couple of hours after this she came down and said she was ashamed of herself and was sorry for what she'd done. Did I call the police? No, I know this is all my fault and despite a REAL physical assault she is my wife and I love her. I only want to be with my family. I am talking to the forum here, this may shed a little more light on a situation some of you are already slightly familiar with, but I need your feedback because I am desperately trying to deal with, and help my wife deal with, what I've done wrong. I just want to be with my wife and family, but is it worth this???
On here you read the nice side of certain people and the bad side of others, but you need to understand there are two sides to every story, and history you can't possibly comprehend unless you've been there. Some people have a completely inexplicable evil side which causes them to do things like this to people they profess to love (much as I did, I know, admit and accept that).
My wife's birthday on Tuesday was a bit tense with the messaging on here, but yesterday everything hit a new low and went from bad to worse. I think a little history is in order.
The reason we're here is because I had a short-lived ridiculous affair at the beginning of 2006. My wife took it particularly hard because the one person who had always been the one to support her through bad times was the one who betrayed her. We had previously lived through me convincing her she was not in any way responsible for a serious sexual assault that happened to her when she was 14, stopping her self-harming, and 14 miscarriages. We have 3 beautiful children now and of our almost 18 years together have been married for nearly 11. Our relationship has always had its stormy moments, but these were well behind us and we were moving into the future after having accepted Christianity into our lives. I feel there was always some guilt in my mind about our past though - how I'd treated her, how we related, how much support I'd actually given her when things were really bad.
I spoiled it all by having a short-lived affair at the beginning of 2006. It was something that I think was down to the background guilt and a release from that, but also the misguided notion on my part that I was helping someone - and feeling worthwhile because of it. It has been so long since I've been able to do that for my wife. It went too far, there's no excuse. I realised my mistake eventually and together my wife and I tried to start again - she accepted me back. We went to joint counselling, then individual counselling, but have reached a point one year on where my wife cannot appear to accept that a mistake was made and put it behind her, and that all I want is my life with her and our children.
Recently things have been going reasonably well - we got a new rescue dog and seemed to be getting over some emotional hurdles. Because of our past history though, it is difficult for me to recognise what needs my wife has. I understand she needs attention and to feel loved, but it is difficult to separate that from abusive name-calling, and endless questions repeated over and over on the same topics about the affair. I simply don't know what to actually do sometimes, what is expected of me, which leads me most of the time to do nothing and simply focus on the practical side of things - like work.
I know this is all my fault and I accept that. I should never have done what I did.
But now it's gone to a whole new level.
In an attempt to show my wife the attention she had been asking for, yesterday morning in bed we were enjoying a cuddle and I was stroking and loving her. Until she said it was only because I wanted s3x. I could sense an argument coming so I rolled over and left it - to then start receiving torrents of verbal abuse. I asked her to stop and leave me alone. She went for a shower and I started doing the family ironing in the bedroom.
She came to the door and started to argue with me again, I asked her to stop (stupidly said "talk to the hand") and she left. She came back a few minutes later and started again. I was doing the ironing and had the iron in my hand - I turned and gestured for her to please leave me alone and said I didn't want to argue.
She went back to the bathroom and sat on the floor in front of the mirror to do her make-up and straighten her hair. I let a few minutes pass and went through, crouched down, put my arm round her and said I was sorry and that I didn't want to argue... she pulled away, turned round with hair straighteners brandished and said "go away psycho". I went, and as I did I unplugged the straighteners and tossed the plug behind me, in front of her, where it hit the cupboard door and landed on the floor.
I went downstairs to get my bike gear on to go to work, and said goodbye to the children. She had come down to the kitchen, and again started giving me verbal abuse from the kitchen, in my sight, at the back door. I was in the dining room and I turned and shook my fist at her (as one would a driver that has just cut you up) and asked her again to leave me alone. I was thankfully then able to leave. At no point during any of this did I touch her.
I messaged her in the morning apologising and saying that I hated arguing with her. No reply. I emailed later, no reply. I got home at about 8:30, nobody in the house. Messaged her asking where she was, no reply. Messaged again asking if she could let me know what was happening before I started phoning hospitals. No reply.
10 o'clock, knock at the door. Two policemen. Arrested me for assault on the basis of allegations made by my wife. I think they may have actually been made by a busybody friend of her's at school who happens to be the community liaison officer. (Added - been thinking about this and it's almost like there has been deliberate embellishment of the circumstances to meet some objective when discussions with this woman took place, with which my wife has gone along...)
The allegations were pure lies and exaggerations. I had, apparently, held a hot iron within one centimetre of her face. Pure lie. I had apparently thrown a plug directly at her, injuring her shoulder. Pure lie. There was no injury as my solicitor later told me. And, most fantastically of all, I had allegedly, downstairs, thrown punches at her (which had of course never hit any target).
So I get arrested for assault for trying my best to avoid an argument! I have been bad but this is pure evil! I understand she has even decided to support the charges (ie not drop them). I spent almost 20 hours in a prison cell before being interviewed and getting the opportunity to tell my side. At which point I am released on bail, unable to go to my house or contact my wife. I have to go back to the station in two weeks to find out if charges are to be brought (because I expect they couldn't given the lack of ANY injury or evidence whatsoever!). This is more than likely a cooling down period so the police know nothing is going to "happen", but it's totally surreal! It seems you can pretty much make any allegation, however unsubstantiated, about anyone, causing them to be arrested and held for up to 24 hours.
I believe this was motivated by revenge, and possibly the fact that my wife has recently expressed disappointment that she didn't divorce me for adultery within 6 months, thus losing that chance and the chance to name the op in the course of proceedings. Perhaps she's decided that this was the only way she could gain the upper hand morally and get rid of / divorce me. But it's so extreme, and could now mean me losing my livelihood (I was unable to contact work throughout the day today) and is totally uncalled for.
A few weeks ago she was in a period of anger, and it appeared to me that the only way I could contain her anger was by letting her vent it. I knelt on the floor and closed my eyes and said she should hit me. I begged her to hit me to get her anger out. She punched me around the head, neck and shoulders for a bit and went away. I tried to go to sleep on the couch downstairs and a couple of hours after this she came down and said she was ashamed of herself and was sorry for what she'd done. Did I call the police? No, I know this is all my fault and despite a REAL physical assault she is my wife and I love her. I only want to be with my family. I am talking to the forum here, this may shed a little more light on a situation some of you are already slightly familiar with, but I need your feedback because I am desperately trying to deal with, and help my wife deal with, what I've done wrong. I just want to be with my wife and family, but is it worth this???
On here you read the nice side of certain people and the bad side of others, but you need to understand there are two sides to every story, and history you can't possibly comprehend unless you've been there. Some people have a completely inexplicable evil side which causes them to do things like this to people they profess to love (much as I did, I know, admit and accept that).