susi
28th March 2007, 11:28 PM
This is what I just read on the site you (David) recommended, and every word rings soo true:
"What does "I love you but not in love with you mean?"
A: Then ask this question " Who are you in love with"? So often the spouses whose mates are in the midst of an affair hear that the WS is "in love" with the OP. Thus the BS experiences an anguished fear that because he or she claims to be, "in love" with the affair partner, it must mean that the marriage is over and the cheating lovers are meant to be together. " Soulmates" - because they now feel the intense passion of a fantasy relationship.
But of course they are, "in love." That's what an affair is. It's what the addiction is. It's an emotional response (without rationality, commitment or long term thinking) that causes us to do things that are not in our best interests and that hurt other people and destroy what we have worked hard to build in our lives - things like homes and families. The idea that love should be the deciding factor is any of this is completely erroneous. As is the idea that love is some magical chemistry between two people. It's neither of those things. Romantic love really is nothing more than a mathematical equation. Spend enough time with someone meeting intimate needs of conversation, affection, admiration, and play time - and you will fall in love with that person. Assuming of course that they are not doing things you find offensive or objectionable at the same time."
Pretty much exactly what my H, who is still not admitting to anything other than friendship, has told me he feels for this girl.
Thanks for the link, David!
Susix
"What does "I love you but not in love with you mean?"
A: Then ask this question " Who are you in love with"? So often the spouses whose mates are in the midst of an affair hear that the WS is "in love" with the OP. Thus the BS experiences an anguished fear that because he or she claims to be, "in love" with the affair partner, it must mean that the marriage is over and the cheating lovers are meant to be together. " Soulmates" - because they now feel the intense passion of a fantasy relationship.
But of course they are, "in love." That's what an affair is. It's what the addiction is. It's an emotional response (without rationality, commitment or long term thinking) that causes us to do things that are not in our best interests and that hurt other people and destroy what we have worked hard to build in our lives - things like homes and families. The idea that love should be the deciding factor is any of this is completely erroneous. As is the idea that love is some magical chemistry between two people. It's neither of those things. Romantic love really is nothing more than a mathematical equation. Spend enough time with someone meeting intimate needs of conversation, affection, admiration, and play time - and you will fall in love with that person. Assuming of course that they are not doing things you find offensive or objectionable at the same time."
Pretty much exactly what my H, who is still not admitting to anything other than friendship, has told me he feels for this girl.
Thanks for the link, David!
Susix