after the "proof": CRINGE...why did I do that??!!??

[susi]

OK guys, since you are the nicest bunch of people ever I am going to tell you what I did this morning, and please go ahead and call me a complete wimp/pushover...oh I don't know why I did it really.
After completely losing it last night, and shouting at the girl and my H, there was this mornig, when we were cuddling in bed, and he asked me what the hell had happened last night, and how the girl was SO upset. Well, muggins here only went and sent the girl a text APOLOGISING for letting rip and her getting caught in the middle!! I suppose I felt that by doing that I was somehow going to appear superior to those two lying little cheats, and pointing out how little she really meant in all this. To be honest, I don't know that it worked. And I still don't know why I did it; I think I was trying too hard to not give anything away as to what I suspect is happening between those two. The text I got back from her said "you don't need to apologise. I understand that it is a horrible time; if you ever need someone to listen or talk to then you know where I am. Hope you are ok x". WHAT????!!!!???? Grrrr. What was that about the long line of people who would like to help me throttle her?

The only real talking my H and I did today was yet again about arrangements etc. He is just so determined that this is it; our marriage can just be dissolved in no time at all. I was stronger today though, and a bit tougher when it came to telling him what I would and would not accept in terms of arrangements. It's definitely separarate bedrooms from now on, though. How does everyone else cope with this sort of living apart under the same roof? I am still not sure it is possible or healthy but there seems to be no other option at the moment.

Thank you for reading my long and rambling posts; you really are the best!
Susi xx

[jo71]

Wow Susi...ok, first of all, I don't think you were weak at all in apologizing. I think that you recognized that you didn't particularly like how your reaction made you feel, and you took the steps to correct what you thought was wrong. Personally, I didn't see anything wrong with your reaction, but if it was weighing on you, then it is good that you fixed it...even if it was apologizing. I totally don't get what that response was all about from her though! Does she not realize that SHE is part of the problem...BUT...I think you should take her up on that offer and TALK to her...SHE offered, now's your chance to tell her exactly how you feel about her relationship with your h. Not many of us get an open invitation from the o/w to talk to them about things...I would seriously consider it.
Jo

[David H]

Hi Susi

... he asked me what the hell had happened last night, and how the girl was SO upset. Well, muggins here only went and sent the girl a text APOLOGISING for letting rip and her getting caught in the middle!!

Ok!

And I still don't know why I did it; I think I was trying too hard to not give anything away as to what I suspect is happening between those two.

What I find useful in such situations is to remember what I know for a fact -- in your case you saw for a fact the compromising photo's on his mobile -- and to see if what I'm hearing or being told squares with the known fact(s) and act accordingly.

In your case what you were being told didn't not square with what you knew for a fact....

All down to experience -- and in your case you should be very aware of any future attempts at "gaslighting" from your h.

David

Gaslighting:
http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ14

[David H]

Not many of us get an open invitation from the o/w to talk to them about things...I would seriously consider it.

No! Never! By doing so you accept and legitimise the triangle. You give it a tacit "stamp of approval"

Remember what Princess Diana said "There were three people in this marriage"...

David

[jo71]

No! Never! By doing so you accept and legitimise the triangle. You give it a tacit "stamp of approval"

Remember what Princess Diana said "There were three people in this marriage"...

David

Ahh...a voice of reason. I was just thinking of using this as an opportunity to tell this little girl to stay the heck out of their lives. But David, you are probably right. A big reason I have not talked to my h's o/w is because I feel I would be lowering myself in doing so. Stay dignified Susi.

Jo

[David H]

A big reason I have not talked to my h's o/w is because I feel I would be lowering myself in doing so. Stay dignified Susi.

More insight here: http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ2

David

[jo71]

Thanks David. I'm bookmarking that...I think I'll read it whenever I'm tempted to contact her.

I can see how this part is true:
Those who recommend the BS not contact the OP do so generally because the OP really is irrelevant to your marriage or relationship. While it may seem that the OP is your enemy and someone you have to conquer, it's really not true.
I do believe that if it wasn't this woman, it would have been someone else...or something else. My h's career has been the "o/w" in our relationship for years. I've tolerated it well, but the only difference now really is that this *real* o/w could be "told off"...I couldn't really "tell off" my husband's career in the past.
Jo

[susi]

Thank you guys!!
I have been thinking about why I felt I wanted to aplogise, and I think the way I did it was to make it sound as if the girl was NOTHING to do with my outburst, and it was really just between me and my H. So in a way I am now the "good" person, who can be reasonable, and even if she thought at the time she was getting somewhere with whatever game she is playing, it really doesn't mean anything to me, because I made it clear in my apology that it was just an accident that she got caught in the middle.
Does this make sense to anyone but me..??

Susi x

[Anne22]

Susi

Yep makes sense to me - you just have to be careful not to get hurt any more!!

I have the tel no of my h latest (ie last 5 years!!) affair, mistress whatever you want to call her and I have only contacted her to tell her not to ring our home (in case the kids pick up!!!) Have had lots of opportunity of talking to her but personally I dont want to lower myself and truely think it will only harm me more!

Have 98% made up my mind that I will be divorcing him in the summer so at the moment dont want to know any more sordid details thanks!!!!

I must say at long last the real 'woman' is coming out!!!!! I will not be trodden on anymore!!!!

By the way Jo - I thought (and my kids did too!!!) that my H's work was the o/w - but my God did I get that wrong!!!! He still keeps telling me he is loyal hardworking and faithful!!! Beggers belief - well SHE is welcome to him!!!!!

Lifes going to be tough ahead but hopefully liberating!!!

Take care and take care of yourselves

Love Anne22 xx