Bad Day Today

[LC71]

Hi All
I have began the no contact and it is killing me :(
I have spoken with him very briefly with plans to the children but this is all. Nights are lighter and i am feeling rather low today, my birthday is approaching which i am dreading and the weekends come too quickly and pass very slowly as i am not at work in this time.
I am struggling to get up and out to work each and every mornign and have started to notice a difference in how i am feeling. How do i pick myself up and shake myself down, i have only ever really known him - we were married for almost 16 years :(
LC

[Helen_uk]

LC

You do it slowly, by taking it one day at a time and trying to fill those days with as much activity as you can manage so that you don't have time to think.

Get out of the house as much as you can in your spare time and plan lots of little treats for yourself.It does get better hun, but it takes time.

Take care of yourself.

Helen x

[jo71]

LC, unfortunately there's no directions on how to do it...you just do it. You pick yourself up because you have children depending on you, and they need to see their mother, their main caretaker in life, being strong and brave...otherwise how will you expect them to try to be strong and brave? They need to feel like you are handling things in a stable way, for their own security.

You WILL start to feel better in time...I can promise you that. In the meantime, it's almost like you have to just go through the motions of life until the day comes that you wake up and feel like, ok, I can do this...I will be fine.

For your birthday, why don't you arrange to spend the day with a couple of friends or family...the last thing you'll want is to be alone on your day.

Jo

[David H]

Hi All
I have began the no contact and it is killing me

You have become emotionally dependent upon your husband. You are addicted to the relationship with your H in the same way H's become addicted to the OW, etc.

No contact is a painful withdrawal from an addiction. It will hurt and it will be hard.

You must do it for your own sanity. If you don't do it your mental health is seriously at risk.

I have spoken with him very briefly with plans to the children but this is all.

Yes, if you have children some contact is inevitable. It will get easier!

Remember how Mike7201 was before he took my advice and did NC and 180 and stuck to it?

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=3820

Look at the progress he made! You can do it and you must do it. The alternative is the very real possibility of a serious nervous breakdown. Where will your children be then?

I have only ever really known him - we were married for almost 16 years LC

My relationship was 17 1/2 years and I've realised I'm codependent -- a relationship addict -- and I've chosen to go NC, 180 and have therapy to cure my codependence.

I now know unless I cure my codependence I will never have a healthy relationship in the future.

Be strong -- it will get easier every day -- take back the power you have given to your husband -- he is abusing the power you gave him and abusing your trust.

Read these codependency links for insight:

http://www.50connect.co.uk/50c/romancestories.asp?article=12527

Learn to love yourself:

"Real love is based in a universal truth that NO ONE can love you, respect you, cherish, or adore you at a level greater than you do these things for yourself. That the amount that you do love, respect, cherish and adore yourself is exactly the level that another will love, respect, cherish and adore you."
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t113131/
http://joy2meu.com/codependency1.html

http://joy2meu.com/codependent3.htm

Do you recognise this ("Blowing hot and cold") in your relationship? (Mine was like this!)

"The way the dynamic in a dysfunctional relationship works is in a "come here" - "go away" cycle. When one person is available the other tends to pull away. If the first person becomes unavailable the other comes back and pleads to be let back in. When the first becomes available again then the other eventually starts pulling away again. It happens because our relationship with self is not healed. As long as I do not love myself then there must be something wrong with someone who loves me - and if someone doesn't love me than I have to prove I am worthy by winning that person back."
http://joy2meu.com/codependent4.htm

David

[jo71]

Learn to love yourself:
"Real love is based in a universal truth that NO ONE can love you, respect you, cherish, or adore you at a level greater than you do these things for yourself. That the amount that you do love, respect, cherish and adore yourself is exactly the level that another will love, respect, cherish and adore you."

One of the most powerful and beautiful things I've ever read. Thanks David!
Jo

[Helen_uk]

"The way the dynamic in a dysfunctional relationship works is in a "come here" - "go away" cycle. When one person is available the other tends to pull away. If the first person becomes unavailable the other comes back and pleads to be let back in. When the first becomes available again then the other eventually starts pulling away again. It happens because our relationship with self is not healed. As long as I do not love myself then there must be something wrong with someone who loves me - and if someone doesn't love me than I have to prove I am worthy by winning that person back."

I recognise quite a few of my relationships in that quote David.... Food for thought.

Helen

[Helen_uk]

I've been reading quite a bit recently about codependant relationships , and I honestly think this is what is happening to mine.

The abusive childhood, the needing to be loved but fearing abandonment, never feeling good enough etc. I shall certainly be raising this with my therapist, when I actually get to see one that is...... I'm into the 5th month of a 7 month NHS waiting list !

Helen

[David H]

I've been reading quite a bit recently about codependant relationships , and I honestly think this is what is happening to mine.

I'm glad all recent my missionary work on that front has not been wasted!

It's been an eye-opener for me as well!

Realising that I am a codependent and will only ever attract other codependents unless I heal myself...

And I heal myself by learning to love myself.

The abusive childhood, the needing to be loved but fearing abandonment, never feeling good enough etc. I shall certainly be raising this with my therapist, when I actually get to see one that is...... I'm into the 5th month of a 7 month NHS waiting list !
Helen

I found a "private" one from here:
http://www.bacp.co.uk

She is really good and fairly local to me. £35 per 1hr session - 1 per week.

She knew I was codependent right from the start, but said I needed to realise that myself.

Go private if you can afford it. The only quick way to jump the NHS list is to make a suicide attempt.

David

[jo71]

And Helen, we're NOT going there.

[Helen_uk]

Jo.. I know it.

I wish I could afford private David, but surviving on disability benefits doesn't make allowances for private treatment of any kind !

I went to see a private psychotherapist last year who was recommended to me by my PDN , she was good , I had an initial hour's consultation and felt very comfortable with her... then we came to the part about fees ! £55.00 a 45 minute session for CBT !

My PDN confided to me that the local health authority has just one psychotherapist, and they are loaded down because this city has a glut of drug addicts and they get preferential treatment.

I actually did take an overdose 3 years ago but at the time I refused any psychiatric help because in the frame of mind I was in, I didn't want help.. I wanted death. They let me discharge myself without any psychiatric intervention ( I think they needed the bed space ) if it wasn't for my GP who is a wonderful caring man, my PDN and the hope that psychotherapy WILL get to the root cause of my depression eventually I might have listened to the voices in my head ! Actually , the only voice I hear is mine and she aint a happy bunny !

Helen

[David H]

One of the most powerful and beautiful things I've ever read. Thanks David!
Jo

You are welcome. Something I've learned recently and why I am in therapy -- to heal myself.

I'm 52 -- why did I only just discover all this?

From http://www.50connect.co.uk/50c/romancestories.asp?article=12527

"Relationships heal when individuals heal. When each partner does their Inner Bonding work, their relationship system heals. When each person learns to take full personal responsibility for his or her own feelings of pain and joy, they stop pulling on each other and blaming each other. When each person learns to fill themselves with love and share that love with each other, instead of always trying to get love, the relationship heals."

"... they are expecting the other person to give them what they are not giving to themselves. When we are not seeing, valuing, acknowledging, or understanding ourselves, and when we are not attending to our own wants and needs, we will always feel upset when others treat us just like we are treating ourselves."

"Learning how to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings is one of the essential ingredients in creating a healthy relationship. This means learning to be conscious of what you are feeling and being open to learning about what you are doing to create your own feelings, instead of being a victim and believing that others are causing your feelings. Your feelings come from how you treat yourself and others, from what you tell yourself and what you believe about yourself and others, rather than from others behaviour. Blaming others for your feelings will always lead to major relationship problems."

http://joy2meu.com/codependency1.html
"Codependency is about having a dysfunctional relationship with self. With our own minds, emotions, and spirits. ... Because we have dysfunctional relationships internally we have dysfunctional relationships externally. We try to fill the hole we feel inside of our self with ... someone outside of us - it does not work."

All very profound stuff....

David

[David H]

if it wasn't for my GP who is a wonderful caring man, my PDN

I wonder if your GP could expedite an appointment for you?

the hope that psychotherapy WILL get to the root cause of my depression eventually

Believe it or not depression and anxiety is a symptom of codependency as is workaholism which I suffer from.

Found this which may resonate with you!

http://joy2meu.com/letting_go.html
"We are attracted to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our most powerful and earliest experience of emotional intimacy and love - our parents. "

"No matter how much we are making an effort on a conscious level to not pick anyone like our parents, energetically we feel a strong attraction to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our first experience of love. It was very important for me to get aware of the reality that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate, I had better watch out. Those are exactly the people who will fit my patterns - recreate my wounding. "

David

[Helen_uk]

It's my GP who has managed to get me on the waiting list at all !

They take only severe cases as they don't have the availability or funding.

I see your point regarding the quote above but this is really where it differs for me. I have had 3 long term relationships ( 2 of them marriages ) and none of the men have been anything like my dad. My mother is one of the most selfish people you could ever meet, she has only one interest in life and that's herself. But even she doesn't display the same type of characteristics that my partner's have had.

Interestingly though, I married my first husband when I was 16 and my present partner is similar to him in some respects, maybe first husband was taking the role of parent ? The abuse I suffered didn't come from within the family unit , but in a way it was exacerbated by the divorce of my parents and my dad's subsequent depression. He was emotionally unavailable to me for many years ( not his fault, but I was only 5 at the time )I became " mother " to him as nobody else was around to care for him. ( I was an only child ). My relationship with my mother was only ever on her terms as I didn't fit the new life she was making for herself. I therefore didn't feel able to " tell " what was happening to me.I was very introverted .

Oh I think I may keep that psychotherapist busy for some months to come !

Helen

[jo71]

You know they say that every experience is a learning experience. While my marriage is too far gone to benefit from the ideas posted above, it will still benefit my parental relationship with my h, and also in other relationships (friendships, and especially future romantic relationships, etc.)
Jo

[Helen_uk]

Jo

I agree wholeheartedly , life is a learning curve and mistakes are a necessary part of learning . Providing we learn from our mistakes the future is bright.

Helen

[David H]

My mother is one of the most selfish people you could ever meet, she has only one interest in life and that's herself.

Hmmm, interesting. You could be describing my g/f's mother...

Interestingly though, I married my first husband when I was 16 and my present partner is similar to him in some respects, maybe first husband was taking the role of parent ?

How old was he?

When my g/f was 20 she had an 18 month relationship with a flatmate who was 40. Her mother and father split up when she was a few years old...

I became " mother " to him as nobody else was around to care for him.

Classic codependent scenario... You were a caretaker to your dad..

( I was an only child ). My relationship with my mother was only ever on her terms as I didn't fit the new life she was making for herself.

I believe this is exactly what happened to my g/f (only child) with her mother ...

In our relationship I was the giver (codependent) and she was the taker (counterdependent)

In the case of the codependent the fear is abandonment (I was abandoned by my mother when I was 4 years old) and in the case of the counterdependent the fear is of intimacy (closeness).

David

Threadjacking! Sorry to LC!

[Helen_uk]

Yes apologies LC !

My mother also left when I was 4 , she had been having an affair with a work mate of my dad's who was 10 years younger than she was.

My first husband was only 18 himself at the time we married. He was from a very dysfunctional family himself and a pathological liar to boot. We married for 2 reasons, he joined the RAF and it was the only way I could go with him being so young, and I need to get away from a bad situation that had developed with my step mother ( basically I was feeling murderous ! ).

The marriage lasted 4 years and after we had split up the truth about him began to unravel , I had no contact with him, but some contact later on with his g/f of the time who had just had his baby daughter. Between us we unravelled the web of lies he'd told. It wasn't a pretty story and I thank God daily ( and I'm an agnostic ! ) that our son didn't inherit too many of his dad's genes.

Second marriage was to a man who though only 5 years older than me might just as well have been 20 years older, Very staid. I didn't love him, and he knew that but he was satisfied with it. It lasted 15 years and I don't think either of us were very happy, after many years of deliberating I left . He was quite cold emotionally, very moody and unpredictable but had been a good father to my children. No love shown, but that suited me at the time.

In this relationship it is probably the first time I have ever really loved someone deeply , which of course only makes the difficulties harder to bear, but it's why I have invested 5 years in it and why I keep trying to sort it out. I believe he loves me too, but we have huge problems ( not all caused by him ), both bringing psychological baggage with us.

Sorry again LC

Helen

[David H]

In this relationship it is probably the first time I have ever really loved someone deeply.... I believe he loves me too, but we have huge problems ( not all caused by him ), both bringing psychological baggage with us.

Thank you Helen. All very sad, but when both people love each other, never too late to fix things!

David