Birthday Blues

[Annie2]

Hello all,

Just need to vent this out; during my husbands affair he took afternoons off work to be with his tart (also came home late and stayed over). All I have ever wanted is for him to invest a bit of time to us. An afternoon off work to not work, babysit or do some other task. Just to even sit around, spend some time together without children and other distractions. He claims that he is always here in the morning, evening and weekends so why is that not enough? Mornings involve him lying in bed while I rush around getting children ready for school, evenings he is home around 8pm just after I've struggled feeding children, doing homework, bathing and getting them to bed. He comes in usually to his cooked meal and then sits in front of the tv (that is every night). I'm welcome to talk however. weekends are full of running around after the children and then tv again in the evening.

Is it just me or is that not enough. I think of the afternoons he took off to be with her. No distractions, no tv or children or daily grind. Just pure him and her. Can I not occasionally have that too? Or does he believe I get that? I think he believes that I should feel luckier because I get him everyday where as she only had a few afternoons. What is so wrong with wanting to feel so special that he has set aside everything for just me.

I've tried explaining this to him for over a year now. That him taking those afternoons off really hurt because it's all I ever wanted. To have occasionally just us time.

Today is my birthday. I had to get up early to take the kids to breakfast club. He lay in bed. Despite saying that he had to go to work today he still managed to give himself a lie in. I feel so resentful and wish I didnt' that even on my birthday he can't take time out for me. I have nothing to do today as we are skint. Although I do have all the dirty dishes to wash that he left for me. But the thought that he could have planned in advance to spend time with me, which would have been so special as it's time we don't have together. He would say 'nothing is ever good enough for you'. Which is his way of saying you moan about everything.

This time last year I was at my parents house after he had smashed my kitchen window in during a tantrum. No card or phonecall and he wrote to a solicitor saying that we would never work, that we have always wound each other up and that his darling Catherine (the homewrecker) worked in the same offices as him so our marriage would suffer (didn't consider leaving his work at that point, he was still 'in love' with her). Today all that is flooding back to me. I don't think it would be half as painful if a small effort had been made by him.


I have always felt this disappointment and resentment because he really hasn't ever made much of an effort before to us as a couple. No sudden surprise flowers (apart from the day after he left me). No telling me he wanted to take a day off to spend with me or anything remotely romantic or special. I suppose things have become stale. For him he says he is happy sitting in the evening with me and the television. But it's not enough for me, especially now that I've seen he can make the effort to spend time with someone (just not me). I wonder if I have always felt this way and now feel it even more should I wake up and see that he just doesn't want to do that with me. He really doesn't want to spend time with me like he did with her. He only sees me as part of furniture, even now.

Anyway thanks for reading my moans. Give it to me straight if you think I am being unfair.

Thanks,
Annie

[callow]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANNIE

I am so sorry that you are feeling sad on your birthday.

I know over the years that I was very disappointed by my husbands lack of attention. I tried to rationalise it and say it was just the way he was. He did have his good points as well.

The thing is I never ever felt cherished, as in the "Love, honour and cherish". He rarely said I was beautiful and I never felt special. However I still think that is the way he is. He is all over the top when something starts, like decorating, but after a while it becomes mundane and he looses interest. He is like that with almost everything. I have no idea what he did with his "other woman" but a lot of money was going out of his account.

Annie, you do deserve to be treated as someone very special. I don't know how to fix it for you I wish I could.

As an aside, I heard on the radio today the concern that there were so many single parents out there. I don't know what has become of society when no one blinks an eyelid when infidelity occurs. This world is in a sorry state.

Once again, I hope you have a great day and have some special treats planned. I know as my daughters are young I have to plan my birthday myself, but I still look forward to it.

Sally

[Annie2]

Thank you Sally for your kind post. I think it's all coming to a head now. I have felt invisible and part of the furniture for so long now. I want to feel as special and wanted as he made her feel. I want to feel flattered that he WANTS and DOES take time just for me. Not me in the background to the children, television or whatever other distraction. I want the just me and him like he wanted to have the just him and her time. It hurts so much that he wanted to be with just her. They weren't running around after children, watching television or anything. We don't have that but every now and then we could have a version of it. So today on my birthday I felt surely today, surely a small effort could have been planned. But he doesnt want that with me. He doesn't want to spend just me and him time. It's always me there with him doing something else, tv, work, eating.

I dont' know if I will ever feel any different now. Knowing that he wanted and did make her feel so special and that he wanted to and loved spending just him and her time.

I just don't think we will ever work now. He always says 'nothing is ever good enough, no matter what I do'. This to me is his excuse for not doing anything.

[Helen_uk]

Happy Birthday to you !

Annie

Have a wonderful birthday , I'm sorry to hear your H hasn't made a special effort but we all think you're great . You are special Annie and if he can't see that then it's his loss.

I hope you manage to have a good day regardless.

Helen xx

[Mike56]

Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie Happy Birthday Annie

[Pandy]

Hi, Annie's offending husband here.

I am having a pretty torrid time at the moment. The reason I can't take any time off any more is because I moved away from my previous job (where the b*tch worked) to a new job in order to save my marriage. I went from 25-30 days leave a year + flexi-time to only 20 days leave full stop.

I also commute by motorcycle 70 miles each way into the centre of London. I am knackered with that and the workload and the fact I simply can't take any time any more. Knackered as in tired and knackered as in being able to "give her time".

I am struggling to do day-job work and develop websites out of hours in order to have enough money to pay the bills and keep food in the fridge. I worry constantly, and all I seem to get is giving with one hand (as in I love you, I missed you when we went out etc) and taking with the other (can't look me in the face, feel sick when I show affection etc).

So I simply do the safest thing at the moment - I go to work, come home, try to be a good person at the weekend, and get on with it. I walk on eggshells because I would love to take her out but we simply don't have the money and I can't take time off easily at the moment, so I try not to rock the boat. I am working so hard simply from necessity but also because I WANT to have the money to be able to treat my wife and take her out.

I don't want to imply any selfishness on her part but the plain fact is I love her, she loves me, so it would be nice to stop saying things like "divorce isn't a frightening thing any more" which obviously worries me (the rug under my feet just isn't stable) and get on with it and work for the future.

If that isn't good enough then either pull the rug away completely or let's get on with it.

[Pandy]

Ha, as for a special effort, I make a "special effort" every bloody day of my life to try to make her's as easy as possible. This *****-footing around forum can sometimes be utter nonsense, the fact is it's almost impossible to tell what the right thing to do is. I suppose it's good she has you lot to "share" with, shame it's just constant bloody moaning.

[Annie2]

Just as I thought I'm moaning!

Yes my H works very hard. Did last year too and I supported that by being the dutiful wife cooking for him, cleaning, having small surprises for him when I knew he was tired. Looking after our 3 children when I was sick and they were throwing up too. I even dragged them all out in search of a costume for a party he was going to (work thing and as always without me) unfortunately it turned out he pulled his tart that night.

Yes he moved jobs because he messed up there. So now we all suffer the consequences of him having less time to take off and spend with us. Lucky for him his affair was easy as he was previously working flexitime. Yet we never gained any benefits from that.

Yes I am up and down. I live on hope that I will be able to feel loved and show love. That's hard when as he says his life is impossible to give me time. I don't want to be taken out or have money spent - just time. I feel confused when he says he loves me as he said this while having his affair and he said I LOVE YOU to her. So you can see why that's quite hard for me to trust, understand and feel anything from. After 17 years of being with him and 3 children he was telling someone he knew for 6 weeks he loved them. They were talking about (although) apparently not planning a life together. He left and told me he didn't want to come back and that he loved her. Ok he changed his mind but it's hard to come to terms with all of that. Maybe it's still taking me time to work out what everything means which attributes to me sometimes feeling (esp after night after night of him infront of the tv) what do I have here?

Sorry to rant and rave but I've just about had all I can take now.

[Pandy]

All *you* can take? I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I almost cried just taking the dog for a walk last night. I have no idea why except the fact I have no idea what to do right now. I get nervous sitting with you without some kind of distraction because that's when the questions and comments start. Hence telly. What is so difficult to understand here? What exactly do you have to "take"? I would love to spend time with you if it wasn't so bloody strained. Can you move forward and make it less so? What do I need to do? When I do spend time with you the good effect doesn't last long, I'm ALWAYS the one that apparently never makes any effort.

Do I moan at you? Do I complain about anything about you? Or do I support you as best I can with life and the children? I think I do because I love you, the person. It just seems that the other way round it's like you might love me, but only grudgingly because I'm not quite the person you want, and rarely if ever have been. And I get to hear about it constantly.

[LC71]

Happy Birthday Annie
Why dont you guys take yourselves away from the PC and try to talk to each other, please???
You can mend today and perhaps enjoy your birthday Annie after all, Pandy make her a lunch run her a bath spoil her, for this one afternoon that is very important to us ladies :) stop squabbling through here and enjoy today together.

[Annie2]

You have always been some one who does what he wants. That speaks volumes. You wanted her so you had her, despite being married with children. You say you never know what the right thing to do is, yet I've given all the hints, I've explained what it takes (one night without tv would be a start). Perhaps you cried because you know deep down it's not what you want. You don't want that with me, it's frustrating for you because you could do it but it's not what you want. I think it is hugely unfair to say 'the questions start'. I've worked so hard for the past year to get over this, sometimes there are questions but sometimes there are not. Consider just how hard it is for me too to have any kind of 'romantic time'. It can feel like a sham but without trying it feels dead. What is the answer here, I shut up and be grateful for what I get? I have to stop basing the effort you make with me on the huge effort you made with her? I'm just not sure I can.

[Annie2]

Thanks LC,

He's in work all day until 8pm. He lay in bed this morning and didn't get up until it was five minutes before I had to leave. Normally he should be away by then but chose to have an extra kip.
We will have a couple of hours tonight before I feel so exhausted after dealing with my unruly children. I'm tired all the time at the moment as I'm having a stressful time with my eldest. But clearly I'm just a mum and I'm not making money doing that.

[Ginger God]

Ha, as for a special effort, I make a "special effort" every bloody day of my life to try to make her's as easy as possible. This *****-footing around forum can sometimes be utter nonsense, the fact is it's almost impossible to tell what the right thing to do is. I suppose it's good she has you lot to "share" with, shame it's just constant bloody moaning.


Pandy......

The right thing to have done was to have kept your "effen" trousers up where they are supposed to be when you are married and have kids.

You have no defense mate.:eek:

[isthisworthit?]

Your marriage sounds about as uncommunicative as mine at the moment. Pandy, you have got to accept it was you who did wrong - why do men always find that hard to do and blame the woman for moaning or going on at them? We are still the same woman you married - only of course often other women look much more exciting from a distance - the familiarity would make them the same I'm sure.
Send Annie a Happy Birthday message and make the effort man - it doesn't take much.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANNIE. XXXX

[jo71]

Annie, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Hopefully I'm not late, I think I'm may be on a different day than you since I'm around the globe. I hope you can try to do something special for yourself today. Sometimes we can't depend on anyone else to make us feel special...we just have to do it for ourselves. I know how you feel though. Although I did feel like my h loved me throughout our marriage, he never did anything to *romance* me. I was a pretty low maintenance wife...never asked for anything (flowers, jewelry, etc.)...but he never took it upon himself to do anything like that for me either, so in our 17 years of marriage, he sent me flower maybe 3 or 4 times, and bought me one piece of jewelry...never lingerie. I was content...I didn't want him making a big fuss over me...but sometimes, I have to say, it would have been nice. ONE time, I think it was our 5 or 6 yr anniversary, he arranged for a babysitter and took me to a romantic hotel for the night. But that was the only time he's ever done that. I don't think you are expecting too much, but it sounds like your anger is based a lot in jealousy. If he hadn't spent so much quality time with the o/w, I don't think it would hurt you as bad when he doesn't do it for you. Very understandable...I would be VERY hurt and jealous about this...I even am right NOW. I don't know Annie...maybe you can get the ball rolling and plan something yourself for the two of you? Then maybe he would catch on and start to do the same.
Good luck, and I really hope you try to enjoy your day today.
(((birthday hug)))
Jo

[Anne22]

HIPPO BIRDY 2 EWES, HIPPO BIRDY 2 EWES, HIPPY BIRDY 2 EWES, HIPPO BIRDY 2 EWES!!!!!

To Dear Annie,

Y ou have been so brave and given your h another chance when 1,000's wouldnt for all the right reasons and he sounds like he loves you - although I hear lots of excuses - he was in the wrong and needs to make it up to you and make you feel SPECIAL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all that is important !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U MUST MAKE ANNIE FEEL SPECIAL!!!!

She doesnt need candlelit dinners in fancy restaurants - but it is not expensive for YOU to have arranged for a friend or relative to have picked up kids for dropping off to school - leaving Annie in bed - while you got the kids ready for the pick up and made her scrambled eggs on toast and a cuppa and brought it up to her with a flower picked from the garden, along with a little cuddle and telling her she is special - THAT would show her your love!!!!!!

No too hard I think!!!!!

Anyway Annie have a super day and I hope your h reads this and thinks hard!!!!

Please speak to eachother tonight and make up!!!!!

That would be a good way to end the Birthday!!!!

Lots of love

Anne22 xx

[Helen_uk]

Pandy

ummmm sorry mate but you had an affair, so it was you caused the fact you had to leave the job.

Nobody is saying you have to spend a huge amount of money here, all Annie wants is some of your time . How about arranging a picnic just for the two of you once the kids have gone to bed ? That costs practically nowt ,then run her a bubble bath , get her a glass of wine , you know pamper her a bit ! And leave the bloody TV off for once, is THAT so hard ?

Now I'm getting angry, YOU HAD AN AFFAIR ! Annie is entitled to moan , i'd do more than moan at you believe me . So you work hard ? So what ? You think having 3 kids to look after and a house and husband is easy ?

I think you are damned lucky Annie has a wry sense of humour Pandy cos it's all that keeps her from strangling you !

Helen

[Pandy]

Erm, he was in bed late this morning because he was up til 2AM working. Excuse me for being tired.

And I do bring her things and get her things and am attentive. Flowers only the other day, Ikea trip with no recriminations, special bath stuff for tonight. It's like these things are invisible to her.

[Ginger God]

Erm, he was in bed late this morning because he was up til 2AM working. Excuse me for being tired.

And I do bring her things and get her things and am attentive. Flowers only the other day, Ikea trip with no recriminations, special bath stuff for tonight. It's like these things are invisible to her.


Ikea trip with no recriminations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are having a laugh.

She is probably still thinking about you and your paramour..its a tough one mate..I have been on the receiving end and its not nice.
So I dumped her.:eek:

[Helen_uk]

Pandy

I bet Annie has a lovely washing machine too hmmm ?

Helen

[Pandy]

You obviously have no idea how important Ikea trips are. Fools! :)

[Annie2]

I just have to add that the 'ikea trip' involved taking our 3 children out on a sunday so that husband could be left in peace to work (my idea because he is constantly worrying about work). No recriminations! I should bloody well think not.

[Ginger God]

This thread reminds me of what it was like being married.........

Sorry Annie not trying to be flippant but your man is a hoot isnt he...:D

[Annie2]

I would love to know exactly how he was with his tart. Why does he see me differently to any other woman on the planet. Why does spending a bit of time, effort seem so difficult for him. Clearly he didn't pull her by offering to let her watch him watch the telly. Clearly he capable of spending quality time and clearly he wanted to with her. This is what hurts. I am penalised because my head is so messed up by what he has done. He finds that a strain and therefore needs the tv for a distraction (this is what he told me). Is 'wife' just some kind of invisible label hanging around my neck? Did I lose my rights to be a woman when I got married and had children?

[Helen_uk]

Annie

As he's obviously reading this thread then lets ask him...... Pandy ?

I think you deserve to be thought more of than any other woman on the planet once you have a man's children, sadly it doesn't always work that way.

Helen x

[Ginger God]

Come on girls its about sex and the forbidden fruit of someone you cant be with...nothing more nothing less.:eek:

[Helen_uk]

Apparently this fruit of Pandy's wasn't forbidden enough..........

[Annie2]

Lovely! His chosen woman was someone who had just already broken up a marriage with children so she knew what she was doing. He felt sorry for her and angry at the man who she claimed was living in a seperate room in the family home (he and wife were apparently platonic) at the time she became involved with him. Bizzarre my H could have believed any of that. I do wonder what my H told her, that we were just friends, our marriage was over?
It's so hard to believe, if I'm honest, that he is capable of romance and so on. I've always been led to believe that it's my fault he's not that way with me or that he is and I don't notice. Trust me I think I'd notice.
Also strange, I saw a photo and she was far from special, more special needs (sorry).
Well I could ponder and fret but to be honest I'm taking the calmer route now. I don't have to put up with anything any more. If I'm not happy, just as he apparently wasn't for two years (why do men always say two years?) then I don't have to live like this anymore. He may have been man enough for her but for me it's a clearly a different man I get

[jo71]

Yep...my h told the o/w (I found out through the grapevine) that our marriage had been over for a year and that we were just best friends now. He even told her that we hadn't slept in the same bed in a year! Whereas the truth is, when he told her that, we were sleeping in the same bed every night! We had NEVER slept seperately our whole marriage until AFTER I found about about her. The thing is, I believe that most people are deep down good people. So our spouses tell the o/p these things because otherwise, the o/p would not want to break up a good marriage, and would thereby reject our spouse...and then their fun is over.

Jo

[Annie2]

Yep but I also the o/p pretends/lies/convinces themselves that the marriage is over. How and why else could they possibley be with someone who was already married and sleeping with his wife. My counsellor said the o/p tends to believe in a weird way that the spouse doesn't exist, just an unknown character. My husbands tart was furious when she learnt he had been sleeping with me his mere wife, too. Poor her!!! My husband claims he told her from the start that he loved me. Utter crap, more like I love her but in a brother sister way!

[jo71]

Oh certainly...by them believing these lies, there is a payoff for both our spouse, and for the o/p. We're the only ones left totally screwed in the matter.
Jo

[Ginger God]

Have to admit that when I confronted Popeye who was having an affair with my wife he quoted my good lady as saying "my marriage ended two years ago" so its not a problem for you to have an affair with me...doh!!:eek:

[jo71]

This is a good argument FOR confronting the o/p. Not necessarily to tell them off, but almost to inform them of the actual situation so that they can at least make an educated decision. I would like to believe that my h's o/w doesn't really *want* to be a homewrecker, but he has fed her lies to make her believe that it was already over...she just stepped in after the fact. When actually, if he HADN'T bumped into her that day, or if she hadn't pursued a relationship with him, perhaps we would have worked things out.

[Annie2]

Thank you, thank you all for listening to my ranting and raving. My goodness I feel much better for spewing that all out. I love this site, it's so theraputic! Ginger God you are a God, you're sharp words made me shoogle my shoulders with laughter, ladies you are truely kind and complete inspirations. I've had my bubble bath, taken with a cheese and cucumber sandwich, glass of wine and a fag. I've had my tears and tantrum and I feel ready to face another day. Thank you all. Pandy, until the next time......xxxxx

[Ginger God]

Thank you, thank you all for listening to my ranting and raving. My goodness I feel much better for spewing that all out. I love this site, it's so theraputic! Ginger God you are a God, you're sharp words made me shoogle my shoulders with laughter, ladies you are truely kind and complete inspirations. I've had my bubble bath, taken with a cheese and cucumber sandwich, glass of wine and a fag. I've had my tears and tantrum and I feel ready to face another day. Thank you all. Pandy, until the next time......xxxxx

Annie darling...I am no God...that is just my nom de plume..just an ordinary 45 year old guy from Edinburgh finding his way back in the big relationship world...call me Graham please.
Yup I dont mince my words because there is no excuse for infidelity..it should be...off with his tallywhacker....not sure however what you happen to the female of the species....
Im away to my pit..beauty sleep required..kids go back to their Mum tomorrow and I have 9 nights on my own....bliss....football football football...oops manspeak.

Graham