help, i think i have proof of his affair, what do i do now?

[susi]

Oh my God, I can't believe this. Tonight I had a long talk with my H; he wanted to talk about future arrangements, and I kept asking why he wanted out so quickly. He kept saying that our financial situation was complicated, which is true to an extent as the house basically belongs to his company, and unfortunately I am not sure of all the ins and outs of what exactly was arranged at the time.

Whenever I asked him why he felt everything had to be done so quickly, he said he hated being in limbo, and he said things about tax situations and stuff that needed to be sorted quickly otherwise we would lose lots of money, and he is offering to take out a mortgage on this house and buy my a flat from it etc etc. All this is not really what I am worried about right now as I am determined to ask a couple of solicitor friends for advice, and we are seeing his financial advisor quite soon, and I shall do my damnest to find out exactly what all the arrangements were from him (my H told him the separation was amicable, which I am not going to let go; as far as I am concerned it was NOT my idea and that's that.

He keeps saying that he hasn't been happy for at least two years which is just completely untrue, or, if it is I am planning to ask him how he could have been so dishonest with me as not to tell me ever; even when I have asked him in the past if there was anyhting he was unhappy about in our relationship.

Anyway, the thing is that tonight I had a chance to look at this mobile, which, as you know, he has been guarding jealously for ever, even taking it to the loo with him. Well, I found TONS of pictures she had sent to him of her in bed (clothed at least!), cuddling the little toy dog he had bought for me years ago amongst other things, blowing him good night kisses etc. Luckily I had the presence of mind not to confront him straight away but went and phoned my Mum instead - thank God for her and her support!

What do you think I should do? Any advice really, really appreciated!!

Susi xx

[jo71]

Oh Susi!!! I would be physically sick. Oh that pisses me off. He's giving HER things he had bought for YOU???? I don't want to talk bad about him, but I would love to smack him right now...and I bet there would be a line of people behind me. I'm so sorry...I don't even know how to comfort you. I guess you can try to feel like at least you have reason now to move on from someone so callous.

Something I still have to remind myself sometimes, and maybe you can think of it like this too...this man is NOT the man I married...my sweet loving considerate h is dead (emotionally) and I have to rid my life of this horrible person living in his body.

It is SO hard to do, but I know you will come out of this with your head held high knowing you did all you could do.

(((hugs Susi))) I wish I could comfort you more.

Jo

[susi]

Thank you Jo, it really helps to talk to someone who knows exactly what it is like.

I haven't actually confronted him yet; I felt it was probably better not to, and also not to let him know I had looked at his mobile. If things really get nasty, then it might be useful ammunition for me to know he is planning an affair, and him not knowing that I know - if that makes any sense? What do other people think I should do?
And I still don't really know whether I do want things to turn nasty, or whether I just want him to at least tell me the THRUTH for once! And that makes me wonder in what other aspects he is lying to me (the money situation?).

I know exactly what you mean about not recognising your H any more; in a way it helps that the lovely man I was married to seems to suddenly have morphed into this creature I don't recognise at all!

Please keep in touch. How are you doing? Did you ever send the letter to the o/w?

Susi xx

[David H]

I haven't actually confronted him yet; I felt it was probably better not to, and also not to let him know I had looked at his mobile. If things really get nasty, then it might be useful ammunition for me to know he is planning an affair, and him not knowing that I know - if that makes any sense? What do other people think I should do?


Don't bother for the moment -- He'll only deny it and claim it is all an innocent crush on her part.

WS's never give you the truth.

David

[Helen_uk]

Susi

I agree with all of the above, play your cards close to your chest for now. If he doesn't know you 're checking his phone he may become a little more careless with it allowing you a bit more time to gather some " evidence ". I know it's really, really hard to do this when you feel like slapping them, but it may pay off in the end.

He's an absolute rat for doing this , but she's obviously making no secret of the fact that she's after him, and he's of an age where he's going to be flattered , he should of course know better !

To her he is the romantic " older man " scenario at the moment , that won't last if they ever do get together, but by then, when she decides she's had enough and wants someone her own age to play with, you may very well have moved on yourself.

Take care.

Helen x

[jools]

Oh Susi
I do SO admire your control! When I found my evidence I was like a bull in a china shop and in retrospect wish i'd done it differently. David is spot on with his "Don't bother, he'll only deny it." Chances of getting a confession from him are slim. What you should do - if you want the truth (and what I should have done) - is to confront the woman. If she doesn't see it coming you can make like your H has confessed all and see what she has to say. If truth is your priority here I reckon that's the route you should take.

On a more sensitive note I do feel for you. It's sh**! This is as bad as it gets. From here on in will be a healing process - and you WILL feel better eventually. Keep strong (as you obviously are).
Jools XXXXXXXXX
________
WASHINGTON MEDICAL MARIJUANA DISPENSARY (http://washington.dispensaries.org/)

[jo71]

Yeah, but how can he deny pictures? Too bad you didn't forward them to yourself Susi. I'm sure you were having to be careful though. I agree with everyone that you SHOULD just tuck this little info away to use later if you need to, but I don't know if I could do it. I'm afraid I would be like jools and just lose it! I do admire that you've been able to contain yourself through all this...what a strong and patient person you are!

No, I have not sent my letter to my h's o/w yet. I am still mulling it over. My h hasn't made any contact with me or the kids in over a week now. He was out of the country for business a lot last week, got in two days ago, but I would think that the first people you would call when getting back in town would be your children. I'm sure he hopped right on the phone with his o/w! That burns me up inside, I can't even describe how much. And I am going totally NO CONTACT now...I am just waiting to see how long, without me TELLING him, he will go before contacting our kids. He even sent me an email today (first time I've heard from him) saying they (his work) just got their network back up, that he'd been without email all week. I wanted to reply, "What, were your phones down too??"...but I didn't. I just hit delete and went about my day. I keeping everything in a private calendar now...the days that he contacts the kids (on his own accord), the days he comes by to see them, the days that he is traveling, etc. I think there may come a time when all this will come in handy.

Jo

[Coffeebean]

susi i am so sorry to hear your pain i know exactly what you went through i did the same thing last thing at night and can well understand the sinking feeling. In my case i read her messages to him telling how much she loved him and wanted to be with him it was like a dagger in the heart and i slept (or rather didn't) over night and hit it head on in the morning. Like jools i wish i hadn't it didn't work he just kept going on about betrayal of trust and how he couldn't believe that i had looked at his phone. If you can get back the phone i think you should forward the pics to your phone and hold it. I just hope he isn't computer smart like mine is because the reason i gave for checking his phone was that i sent a private message to a friend and sent it to h by mistake and he checked my phone records to check my story. Jo just wanted to say i think you are really supportive and sorry that yours is giving you so much trouble. Are you going to send the letter? I wish i had replied to ow (as i was already angry) when i had h's phone and told her she had her chance and she let him go now to get lost. A part of me is glad i didn't cause it would have just made me look like an angry bitter woman and a part of me wishes i had. I think h has put a lock of his phone but not checking but as your h is so determined to finish things Susi i would get evidence in readiness.

[susi]

Thank you so much all of you wonderful people for your support!
I am afraid I didn't follow my own advice to an extent because I did let rip last night...We had had a powercut at home, and a friend came round with generator and trying to fix it, and before long all the neighbours were there as well and the whole thing turned to drinking too much by the fire outside. Well, I was in quite a state anyway because I was sitting next to THE GIRL, and I just kept thinking you b..ch, you have been sending these pictures to MY H! So I then went next door to get a cup of tea, since our kettle wasn't working. I had kind of thought whether I should talk to the girl's Mum's partner in confidence, as he would be less involved, and he is also a lawyer so I could ask him to recommend someone for legal advice. Funnily enough HE said as soon as it was just the two of us in his kitchen that I could call him at work if I wanted any advice or just to talk in total confidence. And he also brought up the girl and how he had told my H not to go down that route and to be sensible about not falling for her etc... Which kind of made me feel as if there was definitely something going on if even he had remarked on it. When I went back home with the girl's Mum, who wanted to tell her daughter to come home (while I was next door H and girl had been playing the guitar and singing songs in our garden), I just went straight to bed, but then started listening out of the window to see what was going on. Mum finally went and girl refused to come with her, everything went quite quiet, and I am afraid I just lost it. Marched outside, said "what's going on here"; even mentioned pictures with the girl asking innocently "what pictures?", but didn't say anything else, so he doesn’t know I have been looking at his phone. I then really lost it, went back up, just lay on the bed crying(well, ok I am being honest here, more like wailing), which I am sure they could hear outside. H came in after a while, far too drunk to make any sense, and kept saying how he loved me, blah blah, and then went to sleep on the sofa. Come 5am he came into the bedroom and cuddled up to me saying the house was freezing. He asked me what the outburst had been all about and that the poor girl had been really taken aback, and I didn't feel I wanted to confront him further because he just keeps saying that she is his friend, and why should he not have friends etc etc etc...well, there are friends and there are friends, and even if the whole thing was innocent on his behalf, the point is that he has been spending WAY too much time with her recently and knows I am not happy, and he has told me how he feels about her, and basically been a complete sh..t trampling all over my feelings.

Sorry this post has got so long again; I am just so grateful I can let it all out here because I know you might understand exactly how I feel.

Hey, Jo, well done for deleting his e-mail! I am not quite at the stage where I can delete my H's texts but I am working on it!

Susi xx

[jo71]

Susi, I swear it really really sounds like something is going on between the two of them. I know you want to believe and hope for the best, but if I were in your shoes right now, I would go ahead and assume the worst. I'm sorry...I really hope I'm wrong. But the pictures, him spending so much time with her, and didn't you say in one of your posts that he actually SLEPT over there one night?? I am amazed at how composed you have been to this point. I think last night I would have marched out there, grabbed that little girl by the arm, and drug her home to mama myself! Don't let him (THEM) think they walk all over you Susi, or that they can just *sneak around* and play you as the fool.
Jo

[David H]

Yeah, but how can he deny pictures?

Easy! He just claims she's a silly young girl with a crush on him and she is a bit obsessed and sending him pictures to tempt him...

David

[jo71]

True, but I can't get past the fact that she is on the bed holding items that belong to Susi! How would she have them unless he gave them to her? That is the part that just sickens me.

Jo

[jools]

Logic doesn't come into it if they want to deny something and lie through their teeth. I know we're all different and react in different ways - but personally i'd just have to sort that little madam out and tell her very plainly to BACK OFF!!
Jools X
________
THE CIGAR BOSS (http://thecigarboss.com/)

[susi]

Thank you soooo much, guys, you really are the best. One more question: do you think it would be a good idea to meet up with the girl's mum's partner (the lawyer who gave me his work number) or would it still be too close to home? I did get the feeling he could be really helpful but I am still not sure?

Susi xx

[David H]

do you think it would be a good idea to meet up with the girl's mum's partner (the lawyer who gave me his work number)

He gave you a hearing and he gave you his work number. (It would help if you were his client because he would be bound by confidentiality!)

or would it still be too close to home?

No, you'd be speaking to him at work -- so it would be in his professional capacity -- be sure to stress that you are speaking to him in his professional capacity!

I did get the feeling he could be really helpful but I am still not sure?

I think your instincts can be trusted!

David

[jo71]

Susi, maybe I missed it, but what is keeping you from you talking to the girls mother?

[susi]

Funny you should mention that, Jo, because that's what most of my female friends have suggested. The thing is, and this is going to sound so unkind, that she is a very insecure and rather mixed up person herself, not sure whether she is happy in her relationship, and completely overreacting because of that. For example last night, when it just so happened that it was just her partner and I in their kitchen for about 15 minutes (which was when he gave me his work number), she apparently said to my H she had to get back because she didn't trust him. As if I would start snogging this guy the minute her back was turned just because my own H doesn't want me any more?!?
Thing is that I can completely understand where she is coming from, but the problem is that she is a bit that way with her daughters; she appears just so grateful they are even talking to her and living with her at the moment, that I just can't bring myself to talk to her about this. And I get the feeling that she would refuse to believe it anyway.
Does that make any sense??

Susi xx

[Helen_uk]

There was an interesting discussion on the radio this morning ( John Gaunt, talk sport I think ) asking people to phone and say what their reaction would be if someone knocked on the door and said " I just saw your son/daughter doing ......." He asked would you believe the person at the door or your child .

Quite a high percentage said they would believe the child . I guess it would be most people's first reaction so you may be right Susi.

helen

[jo71]

I think I know what you mean...so you feel that in talking to her, she would defend them no matter what the situation was because she doesn't want to lose them talking to her and living with her? And yes, that is VERY insecure if she felt like her h couldn't even be in the same room w/ another woman without her worrying about it. However, I still think I would say something to her. If nothing else, at least you have made her aware that YOU are aware of what is going on. Maybe she will say something to her daughter also. In fact, why stop at the mother? I would have already talked to the girl, too. Calmly let her know that you really do not feel comfortable with her behaviour around your h, and you want her to not come over to YOUR house anymore. Of course, that doesn't keep your h away from her house....he needs to agree to not going over there anymore. Gosh, don't you wish you all could just MOVE from there to another neighborhood? It seems like such a sticky situation. I hope you are able to get some things resolved soon.
Jo

[jools]

Think I must be missing something here. Why all this pussyfooting around. Mother...mother's partner...they don't count. Get that stupid little madam by the scruff of the neck and tell her in the most obvious terms possible to back off or else!!! I'm getting so mad by all of this that i'm gonna come round and do it myself in a minute. Fight back! :mad:
Jools (normally easy going and very tolerant!)
________
Mercedes-Benz 770 (http://www.mercedes-wiki.com/wiki/Mercedes-Benz_770)

[marriedbrunette30]

haha! Jools,I feel the same way...I'am also quite passive and easy going~but one thing I do NOT go for is some little skeezer thinking she can get with my man behind my back...while acting innocent to my face? Oh hells no.

[Coffeebean]

its funny everyone talking about confronting ow. I had the oddest dream last night that ow wanted to talk to me and she was really rude to me and telling me how she didn't want my H anyway under any terms and I was appologising to her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how stupid am i. Are you going to confront the girl? why is she called a girl how old is she anyway? Does your husband know about the pictures found yet? Maybe we could all get together and go one by one to all the op and bop them - i bet i could get exceptional circumstances you know blame the hormones etc lol

[susi]

Well...the reason I call her a girl is because she is! She is 21 and he is 40. She has never even lived on her own; she lived with her boyfriend and his parents for three years, and moved back in with her Mum a few months ago. Unfortunately that is next door to us...grrrrr
He doesn't know I found the pictures, and I don't want to confront him just yet although I did manage to forward one to myself - ha! I suppose at the moment I am just waiting to see if I can ever get him to tell me the truth about ANYTHING at all...although I get the feeling he is kidding himself big time over the fact that he is not doing anything wrong with this girl, and so there is nothing to admit. The fact that he is really rude to anyone who has tried to speak to him about what he is doing with the girl indicates that he doesn't want to think about it himself, I think. I sort of feel if I could just send the two of them away somewhere for a month he would quickly come to his senses...anyone know of a "retreat" for deluded "couples"? :-)

Btw: congratulations on your news, Coffebean; that's fantastic!!!

[David H]

I sort of feel if I could just send the two of them away somewhere for a month he would quickly come to his senses...anyone know of a "retreat" for deluded "couples"?

Broadmoor?