Bunny10
26th March 2007, 11:41 AM
:confused: I am married still, my husband and I are the only ones in our house (no children currently in our home) we work together out of our home. He spends the days in our home office and I am normally in the bedroom using my laptop in bed, so my yorkie, Bunny can be with me. Sometimes I feel like my husband is a stranger and I am living with the shell of the man I married. We communicate quite often through emails even though we are in the same house.
I know I am suffering from depression, I have no friends because I repeatedly avoided their phone calls, so I do not ever feel like taking their calls now, (the few times it actually rings), because I do not want to hear how they cannot believe I have not called etc. so I avoid them. I moved too far for anyone to pop in. I have avoided repeated phone calls from almost everyone, except my sweet father, and my 15 year old son, who is currently living in a different state with his dad. When the phone rings, I cringe and I cannot bear to answer it. Even when my son calls, as much as I love him, I have to force myself to take the call. I do not know why I am like this, I have only been like this the last couple of years, I used to want to talk on the phone when I was down. I dread holidays because I know I will have to be around people and really, I just want to stay in my bed and not deal with anyone. I do not want to take antidepressants, because I did before and you nosedive when you stop and I certainly do not want to experience that ever again. I feel alone, however I want to be alone, I do not want to be around anyone.
My husband continues to lie about one thing or another and always seems so sneaky. Every time he goes anywhere, it takes him forever. He had a meeting yesterday and when he returned, he locked the vehicle, which he normally does if he has something to hide. He was blowing leaves in the backyard and I asked him for the keys, I told him I wanted to get some things out of the car, he followed me and under the newspaper I saw a DVD holder and the DVD was turned backwards, so I picked it up and he wrestles it out of my arms denying what it was the whole time. I told him I saw the front, even though I did not. He runs into the house and hides it. I asked him why he was taking a DVD to a meeting (he does not have a laptop or portable DVD player so I did not understand where or how he could watch it). As usual, he chose to lie. He said he was cleaning and was sorting through things and decided to use his briefcase as a place to put things he needs to put away, and left to his meeting in a rush and it was still in there. We have a place for DVD’s; I did not want him to be such a sneak so I made a place. I asked him why he would act like that and why he just did not put it where we put the DVD's. Again, he said he meant to. I do not think his reaction would have been so severe if there were not more to the story. He said he could not take my constant paranoia any longer. He gets so mad at me when I suspect something and if I am right, he gets furious. I always thought that when men cheated, they felt bad and would be sweet to their wives and buy their wives diamonds because they felt so bad. I do not get diamonds and I do not even get anyone feeling remorse, I just get a mean Mother F.... , you would think that I was the sneak that had no control and my word did not mean anything. He tells me he loves me and wishes I would stop, but it is hard to heal when you continue being lied to.
Now that I know the truth (from phone records) about certain times he has cheated, which at the time I suspected because I could not reach him when he was out of town. You should see the horribly rude cold emails about my delusional thoughts and I need to stop ruining our lives and start believing in him or I can get the f.... out, things like this are written shortly after he crawls out of bed with a call girl. I really wish a call girl would come on here so I could ask her some questions. How could a man see is wife hurting and crying, and know he is guilty as sin and still be able to scream at her and treat her like dirt when he is the one that did so wrong? Then instead of offering any comfort, (not even a Kleenex to wipe my tears away) takes advantage of the time she is sad in bed to do more. He finally comes around and will send a nice note saying that he loves her, or ask if he can lie next to her, but that only happens after about the fourth day. I do not understand. I know that my husband does not love me the way I wish he did and when I tell him this, he says he does love me and wishes I knew how much. I also know that he is not the person I thought he was, but I am scared to leave. I do not know how I will support myself, when I can hardly get out of bed. My husband, who is a lawyer gives me assignments and I can do those right here in bed and do not have to deal with the outside public except on rare occasions, and although I do not get paid, I also do not have to pay bills. I do not know what to do or how to get the energy to do it. My husband does hold me at night about 50 % of the time and when he does, it feels so good and comforting, I cannot imagine wanting to be affectionate with anyone else. I really feel emotionally like I am in quicksand, and physically unable to pull myself up..
I know I am suffering from depression, I have no friends because I repeatedly avoided their phone calls, so I do not ever feel like taking their calls now, (the few times it actually rings), because I do not want to hear how they cannot believe I have not called etc. so I avoid them. I moved too far for anyone to pop in. I have avoided repeated phone calls from almost everyone, except my sweet father, and my 15 year old son, who is currently living in a different state with his dad. When the phone rings, I cringe and I cannot bear to answer it. Even when my son calls, as much as I love him, I have to force myself to take the call. I do not know why I am like this, I have only been like this the last couple of years, I used to want to talk on the phone when I was down. I dread holidays because I know I will have to be around people and really, I just want to stay in my bed and not deal with anyone. I do not want to take antidepressants, because I did before and you nosedive when you stop and I certainly do not want to experience that ever again. I feel alone, however I want to be alone, I do not want to be around anyone.
My husband continues to lie about one thing or another and always seems so sneaky. Every time he goes anywhere, it takes him forever. He had a meeting yesterday and when he returned, he locked the vehicle, which he normally does if he has something to hide. He was blowing leaves in the backyard and I asked him for the keys, I told him I wanted to get some things out of the car, he followed me and under the newspaper I saw a DVD holder and the DVD was turned backwards, so I picked it up and he wrestles it out of my arms denying what it was the whole time. I told him I saw the front, even though I did not. He runs into the house and hides it. I asked him why he was taking a DVD to a meeting (he does not have a laptop or portable DVD player so I did not understand where or how he could watch it). As usual, he chose to lie. He said he was cleaning and was sorting through things and decided to use his briefcase as a place to put things he needs to put away, and left to his meeting in a rush and it was still in there. We have a place for DVD’s; I did not want him to be such a sneak so I made a place. I asked him why he would act like that and why he just did not put it where we put the DVD's. Again, he said he meant to. I do not think his reaction would have been so severe if there were not more to the story. He said he could not take my constant paranoia any longer. He gets so mad at me when I suspect something and if I am right, he gets furious. I always thought that when men cheated, they felt bad and would be sweet to their wives and buy their wives diamonds because they felt so bad. I do not get diamonds and I do not even get anyone feeling remorse, I just get a mean Mother F.... , you would think that I was the sneak that had no control and my word did not mean anything. He tells me he loves me and wishes I would stop, but it is hard to heal when you continue being lied to.
Now that I know the truth (from phone records) about certain times he has cheated, which at the time I suspected because I could not reach him when he was out of town. You should see the horribly rude cold emails about my delusional thoughts and I need to stop ruining our lives and start believing in him or I can get the f.... out, things like this are written shortly after he crawls out of bed with a call girl. I really wish a call girl would come on here so I could ask her some questions. How could a man see is wife hurting and crying, and know he is guilty as sin and still be able to scream at her and treat her like dirt when he is the one that did so wrong? Then instead of offering any comfort, (not even a Kleenex to wipe my tears away) takes advantage of the time she is sad in bed to do more. He finally comes around and will send a nice note saying that he loves her, or ask if he can lie next to her, but that only happens after about the fourth day. I do not understand. I know that my husband does not love me the way I wish he did and when I tell him this, he says he does love me and wishes I knew how much. I also know that he is not the person I thought he was, but I am scared to leave. I do not know how I will support myself, when I can hardly get out of bed. My husband, who is a lawyer gives me assignments and I can do those right here in bed and do not have to deal with the outside public except on rare occasions, and although I do not get paid, I also do not have to pay bills. I do not know what to do or how to get the energy to do it. My husband does hold me at night about 50 % of the time and when he does, it feels so good and comforting, I cannot imagine wanting to be affectionate with anyone else. I really feel emotionally like I am in quicksand, and physically unable to pull myself up..