Advice needed....

[Cathy]

Hi, I am new here but am going through a crisis in my marriage and just need to get it out as I am not talking to anyone about it. I have been married for 12 years and together for 4 years before that. My husband is not from this country and we met abroad, I lived there with him for 10 years before moving back to UK so that our two sons could attend schools over here - they are 7 and 10 now. Our relationship has always been ok - very good for first 5-6 years and then okish thereafter. We have had to be apart for months at a time over the last few years as H still had his business abroad. That all changed last year and he is here permanently now and has a business here - this is a late night bar (!!) I was never consulted about whether or not he should enter into a business like this here in the UK, just informed that that is what he's doing (his business abroad was the same). I was very unhappy about it though due to the effect on the family unit - ie me sitting at home on my own everynight with the kids. He was so busy working and setting it up then getting it open etc as well as working there nearly every night - coming in at 2 or 3am. that the relationship was very strained. However, I just accepted all this - what can I do?? We have kids, I am a full time student - no income, so like I said I accepted all the crap. Then - I discovered he had registered on some dating sites - the ones where people have a profile etc. I went into his account (he was careless on comp) and found out he was chatting to some woman and asking her to meet him in his bar. This came after a lot of trust issues on my part as I had suspected him before of being unfaithful but has never had any evidence. In anger I texted him his user name and 'you need to move out' He was gone that night and hasnt been back. I have told the boys he is away on business, they dont know anything has happened, and I have just been carrying on my life as normal, hiding my hurt til I'm alone when i usually cry, some days are worst than others. Contact has been minimal - he says it was purely 'virtual' and that nothing happenend but I am finding that hard to believe as he was actually asking her to meet himin the bar. I have had the full range of responses from him, 'you dont know how much i love you' and 'the boys will hate you when they find out why this happened when they grow up' and I have expressed my anger towards him via email also. The only person I have told is my mum and even she doesnt know the full story - I just cant talk about it without breaking down and I need to carry on as my degree course is very intense and I go in 4 days a week. I am staying strong for my lovely boys and my stumbling block is them - and the fact that I still do love my husband - I know I do but I dont know if I can go back to the life I had before which will be even harder after this. I think he wants to try again and if I said yes he would probably move back straight away - my dilema is do I walk away now or try again? ( I am 37). Sorry this is so long.... thanks in advance for any comments.
Cathy.

[jo71]

Cathy, as far as I know, my h's affair has so far also been only *virtual*, in that (as far as I know) he has only seen her once (ran into an old girlfriend one day) and they have talked on the phone and via email every day since. He left our family (as in, moved out) only a week and a half after "running into" her. At any rate, IMO, a virtual affair is just as serious as a real affair, because the emotions are all the same. Physically, he may not have "been" with her, but emotionally he has, as he does want to start a relationship with her as soon as our d is final (however, our d is not going to go through as quickly as he thought it would, so I am doubting that he'll make it that long without "being" with her!).

All of that said though, if your is telling you that he wants to try again, I would give him a chance. I would never tell someone to turn away from a spouse who made a mistake and wants to make it right. However, you must set limits and expectations. He must understand that you have every right to be not as trusting as in the past, and he must agree to disclose everything whenever you feel the need to know (i.e., let you look at his cell phone records and receipts, check in with you when he is out of town, etc....whatever he can do to make you feel like you can start to trust him again). However, I would also only give him ONE chance...the trouble with chances is, sometimes people tend to think there's no limit on them.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I really pray that everything works out for you, that he makes it all right again, and that you two can be happy again.

Jo

[Cathy]

Thanks for your reply - and sorry to hear about your sitution. The trouble is that this is not the first time that he has been 'advertising' himself on these sites - I found out last Sept he was on one with his photo and all, but he swore that his friends (??) had done it as a joke - eventually I accepted this explanation and moved on - now this. The other problem is that he is working in this bar every night, so trust is going to be a huge issue. I really dont know if I would be able to get past these issues but I know that I would try for the sake of my boys. It has been 4 weeks since he moved out and he is living above the bar - its very easy for him as accomodation was there, no rent, food available at all times - too easy. I am very hurt also that he has found it so easy to just walk away - 16 years together and in one text it was over?! Meanwhile I am in pieces, trying to keep everything afloat at home and carry on with my studies. On the issue of virtual relationships, I dont have proof or otherwise that it went beyond this but why do people go on those sites?
Anyway, thanks again for your reply Jo, when did your H move out?

Cathy.

[jo71]

My h of 17 years (together 20) moved out on 3/4. I was putting together a timeline of events the other day. It goes...
1/18 - he ran across this old girlfriend (in our hometown, 900 miles away)
1/30 - he told me that he didn't want to stay in our marriage any longer (was a major shock to me...I truly thought we were so happy together!)
2/16 - I started going to marriage counciling (he wouldn't go..said it was pointless as he didn't want to salvage the marriage...his mind was made up)
3/2 - I stumbled across evidence that he was having an EA (emotional affair) with this other woman, to which he admitted
3/4 - He moved out

Just goes to show how it is so amazing how quickly these things can transpire! I am for now just taking one day at a time, because worrying about the future is still stressful to me...and trying to not think about the past, because that is too upsetting. Just trying to live in the moment and deal with things day by day. It's so hard to comfort someone going through this because it's almost like taking someone to the hospital with a broken bone...all you can do is empathize with their pain and assure them that "this too shall pass". Just under two months for me, and the pain is still there, but much less raw than at first...I have about half good days and half bad days. But I can tell that as time goes by, my good days are increasing...just stay true to yourself and I promise yours will too.