Advice seeken

[Confused1234&5]

My husband (H) of approximately 18 years together, went abroad with his pal, without giving me a notice or explanation.
I was furious when he was going, to the point that the police have been called.
Since then, he sent me a message: 'Life has many stages that are hard to understand, sometimes, may be I will be running back to you like crazy, may be you are better off without me…'
I have to say I am shocked !
We never had an argument before, our life was like a ticking clock ….
I understand, he has left me…
I loved him above all and I’m sure he loved me to.

I need a space on your website please…

[jo71]

Will you h not discuss this with you more? You deserve a better explanation than "Life has many stages..." But I know how it feels to think you are in a wonderful relationship, to then have the rug pulled out from under you! My h did a similar stunt. Sounds to me like right now, you need answers. It's hard to move on, or to make amends, without a better understanding of why he did what he did. I'll never understand how people can walk away and never look back again at the life they once had.
Keep posting.
Jo

[David H]

My husband (H) of approximately 18 years together, went abroad with his pal, without giving me a notice or explanation.
I was furious when he was going, to the point that the police have been called.
Since then, he sent me a message: 'Life has many stages that are hard to understand, sometimes, may be I will be running back to you like crazy, may be you are better off without me…'
I have to say I am shocked !
We never had an argument before, our life was like a ticking clock ….
I understand, he has left me…
I loved him above all and I’m sure he loved me to.

I need a space on your website please…

This sounds like a classic male mid life crisis (MLC)

Start here:

http://midlifecrisisforum.com/6/ubb.x?s=3106003104
http://www.pathpartners.com (http://www.pathpartners.com/)
http://fortysixty.invisionzone.com/index.php?act=idx

You may eventually have to do "a 180" for your own sanity (to allow yourself to heal):

http://survivinginfidelity.com/heali...no_contact.asp (http://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/divorce/no_contact.asp)

Hope that helps!

David

[Helen_uk]

I'll never understand how people can walk away and never look back again at the life they once had.

It's quite simple really Jo, it means they can avoid feeling guilty , they shut off their emotions because they can't cope with the fact they are guilty of causing so much pain.

Helen x

[jo71]

Well Helen, that actually makes me feel better, to think that maybe he does feel guilty for the things he has done and is doing. I still haven't gotten an apology from him (the closest is, "I'm sorry that you are having to go through all this"...not the same), but if I just at least felt like he has this weighing on his conscience, I might feel a little better about it, instead of just feeling like we're not even worthy of him feeling bad for what he is doing to us (me & our kids).
Jo

[Helen_uk]

Jo

My first husband walked out of mine and my son's life when my son was 14 months old, in the years since ( my son is now 23 ) I have seen him 3 times and my son just twice, both times at funerals ! My ex had been having an affair ( one of many ) with his sergeant's wife ( he was in the RAF at the time ) and I had no clue until one day after detachment abroad for 6 months he just didn't come home.

After 3 frantic days of worry, phoning hospitals and police stations as I knew from the RAF he had landed back in England on his due date , I got a phone call saying come and fetch your things, we are over . I'd been staying with my son at my dad's home whilst ex was away. I went, packed up the house and left 2 days later after crying and begging the whole time I was there for him to explain why , he wouldn't tell me. The husband of his lover wrote to me when he found out what had happened between my ex and his wife , that was the first I knew of the truth.

My ex admitted many years later , by letter, that the only way he could " extricate " himself from our marriage was by not contacting me or seeing either me or his son as the guilt he felt was too much for him. All the time in between , which was about 15 years , I had thought he just had a heart of stone.

He last met our son at the funeral of his dad last month, the first and only time he'd seen him since he was 6, he gave our son a lift home and went back to wherever he lives now. Son hasn't heard from him since, nor does he expect to. Son is not bothered , he didn't know him anyway. My only thought was " Well people don't change ".

It was easier to run away from us than face us and the guilt.

Helen x

[jo71]

Gosh Helen, that is just awful. I guess it took you a long time to move on after a painful situation like that. I pray to God that my h doesn't let something like that happen. However, he's only talked to our kids once in the past week, so I have such a big fear of that happening. I will say though...that is the kind of thing that I will be basing a lot of decisions that I have to make soon on. I have decided to just see over the next few months how much of an effort he makes in keeping his relationship with his kids going. If it's very little, we're moving back to my hometown where my family lives (and where, ironically, the o/w lives also...however, I'm sure she'll be moving down here to live with HIM before we move up there).

Jo

[Helen_uk]

Hi Jo

Yes it did and it gave me a huge fear about people disappearing, the two days I couldn't find him I was imagining all sorts.

It was sad at the time, my friend , who was also divorced was constantly complaining that her ex was " always on her back about not seeing enough of his daughter ". I wished at the time my ex could even be bothered to pay his child support and see his son now and then.

In the long run I guess it made it easier to move on, for a few years , until my ex left the RAF and moved to God know's where , I did send him letters and photo's of his son. I was contacted by a woman who a few years later, had his daughter and her daughter and my son now keep in regular contact, it hurts though that my ex sees his daughter all the time even though he split up with her mum when she was a baby.

My son is very pragmatic, my second husband ( now my second ex ! ) adopted him when son was 7 so he looked on him as a dad. I suppose as son never saw his " real " dad, it never really bothered him.

I think it's different in your situation, your H had his children for longer , whereas my ex being in the armed forces never really got to know our son. Ex was serving in the Falklands a few weeks after son's birth and was away for 70 % of the time after his birth until we split up.They didn't forge much of a bond, didn't have time to.

I know parents do sometimes cut off communication with their children because it is too painful to see them part time, but most are grateful for whatever small time they can spend with them and hopefully this will be true of your H.

All you can do is hope, and try to keep in contact . Do you think the o/w will have much of a say in how much contact he has with the children.. and ultimately with you ? Some women can't handle the " baggage " whilst other's are keen for contact to be kept.

Helen

[Helen_uk]

confused

I think you deserve rather more of an explanation and if I were you I'd pursue one.

Something must have sparked off you H to act this way and I think unless you find out what it was you are not being given a chance to work things out with him.

Will he talk to you if you ring him ?

Good luck.

Helen

[jo71]

Do you think the o/w will have much of a say in how much contact he has with the children.. and ultimately with you ? Some women can't handle the " baggage " whilst other's are keen for contact to be kept.Helen

Whew...that is a good question. I really don't know much about her, except that she's close to his age (36), has never been married or had any kids, is kind of a wanderer (has moved from home to home quite a bit), is a bit of a party girl, and according to my h's cousin, who was actually friends with her in high school, is that she was intimate a LOT of guys when they were younger...that was the reason she says she stopped hanging out with her. Of course, maybe she's changed as she's gotten older, but she has a myspace acct and on that, she really is flaunting the "party girl" image. She is SO not his type.

So as far as how she would be about him seeing our kids, and keeping in contact with me, I have no idea. I want to believe that my h would not allow her to come in between him and them, but only time will tell. I'm hoping I can come back on this board in a few months though and post a thread titled "He dumped the o/w!"....lol Or the other way around, I don't care. :cool:

Jo

[Helen_uk]

Good morning Jo

Reading your description of the o/w I can't see the relationship with your h and her lasting long. Sounds like she's a bit of a flighty butterfly ! A couple of months down the line and I think he'll be exhausted and longing for a bit of stability.

It doesn't sound as though she has much room in her life for children so I'd keep an eye on the situation and make sure your h has regular contact with them if at all possible . She's obviously managed to attract him with the " young free and single " party life style, but this will soon wear thin IMO especially if he's used to having meals on the table and clean pants and socks !

Take care.

Helen x

[Confused1234&5]

Thanks guys for your kind reply and links to MLC.
I have not heard from him much exept that he txt me to look for the suitable estate agent, preferably before 1st June ( some new regulation is comming into force ) and he txt that he is entitled to 50% of the house sale...
I am in tears and anger and I'm full of anger...

[Helen_uk]

In that case confused I would suggest you consult a lawyer.. fast.

It does seem odd that he would end a marriage by txt, and then demand you sell the house and give him 50 %. Are you sure there isn't another woman involved in all this somewhere ?

He can't force you to sell the house if you are not divorced, and he can't just divorce you without grounds or your agreement. Take legal advice as soon as you can and txt him to tell him you refuse to give into demands until he has spoken to you properly.

Good luck

Helen

[jo71]

Confused, do you all have any children? I ask because my h wants 50% also, and I have not agreed to this, because when we sit down to finalize everything, I am going to demand 75% of our house proceeds. Hey, there's 3 of us and only 1 of him, and HE was the one who chose to leave. I know in a court of law (at least here in the US), he would probably be awarded 50%, but since we are only going through a moderator (at the most), it's really up to us how we want to split things.

I know, right now it hurts just for the fact that it seems like he is going through with this. It's like you're living in a nightmare and can't wake up...I know what you are feeling very well. There's nothing I can say that will make you feel better...it's kind of just the labor pains of being deserted. It sucks, it's not fair, and you've done nothing to deserve such a horrible situation. But unless he agrees to stay and work on the marriage, you may just have to hold on tight and go through the worst part. And if he says no...don't keep begging him. I know you want to, I still want to beg my h after 2 months, but they will respect us more if we just put on a brave face, as hard as that is. David's 180 links are super helpful if you can try to live by them for a little while, and I promise it will get easier.

Good luck hun.

Jo

[Confused1234&5]

Thanks Helen and Jo for the kind words, I need that cheering up right now.
He does not reply to my calls or txts, but I have managed to get his pals mobile number and called him last night.
He’s pal was brief and told me that there is no other woman, that my h went with him to Czechoslovakia for some plastic surgery and that my h told him that he is trying to start new life for himself because I was not paying him enough attention… and then he hung up !
I know he’s pal is divorced and a local playboy, they have been plying golf on several occasions and apparently been friends since.
I can admit that in the past few years I was spending quite a lot of time in the evenings working for charity, but the house was always clean and looked after, the diner was always served and his clothes washed and ironed. Is this a valid reason to sell the house? We spend years and fortune decorating it and looking after it ! It is me who paid the mortgage ( I am on a higher salary than him ), he got sex when he wanted and I basically was his slave…
I need to know if he would plan to apply for divorce, is the fact that I have slapped him in the face when he was leaving ( his pal was waiting in the car and called the police ) a valid reason, say as a irrational behaviour ?
I do not think that he and his pal are gays.
I have send him message hat I am willing to arrange for marriage counsellor sessions if he thinks there is a problem between us, he did not reply as yet…
And, forgotten to add, our child is grow-up and lives away.
Please, please help in my turmoil.

Clare

[David H]

He’s pal was brief and told me that there is no other woman, that my h went with him to Czechoslovakia for some plastic surgery and that my h told him that he is trying to start new life for himself because I was not paying him enough attention… and then he hung up !

You cannot rely upon anything your H or his friends tell you...

I know he’s pal is divorced and a local playboy, they have been plying golf on several occasions and apparently been friends since.
I can admit that in the past few years I was spending quite a lot of time in the evenings working for charity, but the house was always clean and looked after, the diner was always served and his clothes washed and ironed. Is this a valid reason to sell the house? We spend years and fortune decorating it and looking after it ! It is me who paid the mortgage ( I am on a higher salary than him ), he got sex when he wanted and I basically was his slave…

This is not about *you*, it's about *him*

Please, please help in my turmoil.

For your own sanity you need to detach:
http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

You may also need to do a "180"
http://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/divorce/no_contact.asp

Read up on male MLC
http://midlifecrisisforum.com/6/ubb.x?s=3106003104
http://www.pathpartners.com
http://fortysixty.invisionzone.com/index.php?act=idx
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=28&page=1

Good luck!

David

[jo71]

he is trying to start new life for himself because I was not paying him enough attention…
Oh boy...that is a big part of the reason why my h says he left. He felt he didn't get enough attention from either me or from our kids (12 & 16). Life was so hectic the past year (and still is), so I couldn't give him my undivided attention all the time, and I believe this is just a grown-up way of throwing a temper tantrum.
I know he’s pal is divorced and a local playboy
Bad influence...my h had one of those too.
Is this a valid reason to sell the house?
If you can afford the mortgage by yourself, he can't MAKE you sell it can he? I wouldn't.
he got sex when he wanted and I basically was his slave…
Ok - we differ here, my h felt he didn't get it enough...but the whole point is regardless of what you have or haven't done...you need an explanation from him. I don't think it's bad that you slapped him when he left. I would think he should very well expect a reaction like that! I would just stop texting him, stop trying to call him or his friend. I would also consult an attorney very soon to make sure your rights on the house are protected, and just to find out what your rights are in cases like this, when you are just deserted with no explanation. It sounds like he isn't even contacting you to discuss divorce either. Really sounds like a major MLC.
I have send him message hat I am willing to arrange for marriage counsellor sessions if he thinks there is a problem between us, he did not reply as yet…
I don't think he's going to reply hun...I'm so sorry, but it sounds to me like that is the last think he is interested in right now. But if you feel like it would help you, maybe you could see one by yourself. They could possibly help you sort through your emotions.

Jo

[david123]

Clare

Stop bragging to others that it is YOU who is done!

What about me? What about all those years when I couldn’t get a sensible world from you? All about was the charity, charity, charity and plans that never has materialised!

Do you remember, five years ago, I was working flat hours just to please you with the new laminated floor in your study? What you have done? – You looked at it and said it will only collect the dust.

Or, when I took that awful job, just to pay for you sons debts?

Or when you have shown me in front of your boss and friends as a useless, low paid geezer that goes to the pub instead of helping you with entertaining your friends.



Clare, I have approached the age in which I have to start thinking about what is the best for me.

Yes Clare, I have enjoyed the quality of life together, but it is not anymore about me and you, it is about how we will/cope/could be in the longer distance…



OK, Clare, you want cancelling, lets do this public and on these pages in front of others. It was always your style, anyway. You like the audience…



I am not going to defend myself or own decision why I need a break from you, and I hope you will not lie in the public about our past. Let’s be civil.



And for the others knowledge, I’m not a gay, my friend is not a gay, I’m not a **** person to get you ripped off the house, I just have to think about my future.



Regards

Kevin

[Helen_uk]

Kevin

Excuse me for saying so, but isn't there a better way , if you need some space, than to disappear ?

There are two sides to every story and I'm glad that you came on here and gave your side, but it isn't the right place to contact your wife.

Ending a marriage, or just taking a break, whatever it is you want then COMMUNICATE , how else can anything ever get resolved ?

Take care.

helen

[David H]

Kevin

Excuse me for saying so, but isn't there a better way , if you need some space, than to disappear ?

There are two sides to every story and I'm glad that you came on here and gave your side, but it isn't the right place to contact your wife.

Ending a marriage, or just taking a break, whatever it is you want then COMMUNICATE , how else can anything ever get resolved ?

Take care.

helen

Helen, the anger from Kevin is burning my screen!

And often, anger comes from frustration. And often anger results from being hurt.

And often when a person is hurt they retaliate by hurting back.

And so on! Some couples never get beyond that point to a stage when they start talking and listening then understanding and then forgiving.

David

[Helen_uk]

Exactly David ... Communication !

What a pity he couldn't have found a way to communicate that hurt, anger , frustration face to face . I know it's so difficult when you feel your partner isn't listening and maybe Kevin felt so desperate to be heard that he had to escape, but all it's done is left behind a confused hurt woman.

Well I guess this forum is communication of a sort... it's a start....

Helen

[David H]

Exactly David ... Communication !

What a pity he couldn't have found a way to communicate that hurt, anger , frustration face to face.

Maybe he tried.... I suspect he did... Kevin?

maybe Kevin felt so desperate to be heard that he had to escape, but all it's done is left behind a confused hurt woman.

Perhaps he needed to create a crisis for her to realise....

Well I guess this forum is communication of a sort... it's a start....

Helen

Doesn't matter how -- as long as you do it!

David

[Confused1234&5]

Good Morning to all that have helped me on this pages.

Spoken to Kevin and I can see that there is a lost of my fault in the breakdown of our marrige. As it was said: it takes 2 to tango.
To do the repairs, I have to work on myself first.

Thanks to all

[Mike56]

Yes, spookily enough it tends to be that way.

Good luck - Mike.

[DoubleStandards]

Hi Clare, hi Kevin
Your story reminds me a couple I have read about before Christmas last Year.
He was a piss-head, she was a looney.
It was him who was in grief, it was her who run away to venture on pastures new…

At the time he got reprimanded by the bunch on this page, she was glorified.
What a Double Standards !

For you Clare and you Kevin ( you ……*****….. );

Once upon a time…
There was a flower growing in the middle of the path
The flower was lovely, full of colours and fragrance and other that stuff
The path was the only way in and way out
For a fellow who was blind as a bat
He had to stroll on it to and from work
The days determined how fast was his walk
The flower enjoyed the place of its growth
It only feared the time the fellow had to walk
It feared immensely that one of these days
It will be stride over and it’ll loose its joy
And may be it would happen if not for the nature call
That has advised the flower to flourish even more
To brighten up and cheer-up, to scent the whole path
So the path was easy to walk on and the place to relax
And what has happen its easy to guess or know…
The fellow has noticed the flower, knelled down and fall in love.

And they have been happy ever after…

4I. 29/03/2007

[Helen_uk]

DoubleStandards

Firstly I fail to see any empathy in the comments above for anyone.

Secondly, if a person comes onto this forum and posts their side of a story then any advice or opinions given can only be based on those facts. If however, and it has happened ,the other person involved chooses to do the same then the same thing applies. We are not psychics and have to assume that the words written are based in truth, this may be the truth as the poster sees it of course which can be an entirely different thing.

This a support group and if someone posts on here needing support and that person is upset and confused and looking for someone to listen to them, then by sympathising , listening and advising from our own experiences aren't we doing exactly what this group was intended for ? How , in your opinion, does that make it * Double Standards * ?

Helen

[DoubleStandards]

Hi HELEN
>Excuse me for saying so, but isn't there a better way , if you need some space, ---- to disappear ?

There are two sides to every story and I'm glad that you came on here and gave your side, but it isn't the right place <

I will not mention Mike's latin (Recte tu quidem, nihilominus placet audire Romanam) or markus spasm banging female tenant students.

To ALL the girls I knew:

PROBABLY…

If I could have a husband that I could put the blame on
For all what’s happened to me in my life at all
Probably I could have been a prettier woman
Probably…

If I could have a husband that I could spit on
When the curtains are shut and the moon lit on
Probably I would be wealthier woman
Probably…

If I could have a husband that would be my slave
And do the thinks I like to his early grave
Probably I would be happier now
Probably…

If I could have a husband at all
That could be in love with me above all
Probably I would be a different woman
Probably…

And now that I am wrinkly and old
I wouldn’t know how to start the life at all
Is it me who is to blame?

Probably…




HELEN

[Helen_uk]

DoubleStandards

Disappearing is never a solution to fixing a marriage, nor is it a solution to breaking up a marriage. Been on the receiving end of that.

This isn't the right place to have a conversation with a spouse, but it is a starting point... As I pointed out.

Not quite sure what to make of your poetic attempts... sour grapes perhaps ?
Perhaps you are a journalist, you seem to have an aptitude for ( mis ) quoting only the parts YOU think relevant .

[Mike56]

Helen, I could be wrong of course, but I suspect we've seen this poster before - - -

Remember - a penchant for bad Latin and a less than wonderful attitude to "here" - - -

Mike

[Helen_uk]

Indeed...............