I Need Advice

[Unregistered]

I have been married for three months, my husband said that he does not know how he feels about me any more.

I says I have been neglecting him over the past year together and now he show no feelings towards me, he will not kiss, cuddle or touch me in any way.

He wants me to be how I used to be but I think its to late and I have lost him I realy don't know how to get him back.
He spends more time at work that at home to avoide me.

Please can you help

[Kate]

Everyone has expectations about married life and each other when they get married. The important thing is to share these with each other.

You might start by asking your husband to explain what it is that he thinks has changed and what he misses.

You could also talk about what you each expected of marriage and what you understand by love. If we only measure love by how we're feeling then we're missing out on a whole lot. It's impossible to "feel loving" towards each other all the time, our feelings are such fickle things in response to events around us and how our emotional needs are being met.

Many marriages go through a stage of disillusionment when the partners expectations are disappointed. It's common to react by withdrawing from the relationship and returning to attitudes we had before we married in order to soothe the pain we feel. The better way is to decide to act lovingly, to accept each others limitations and to move on to a deeper relationship. Beyond the disillusionment is the posssibility of happiness together.

I wonder if you had any marriage preparation. If you look in the Preparing for Married Life (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/) section you will find resources to help you understand what is going on and help you forward. You might also like to visit the Relationship Basics (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/) section too.

Eventually we would really recommend a marriage enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) which are designed to give you encouragement along the way. Don't give up. Some of the ups and downs of the first years are about growing together and can be difficult and painful, but worth persevering through.

[foxglove]

I agree with all Kate has said.

You are not alone; we all need help and teaching in our marriages. My wife and I have gained so much from Marriage enrichment weekends and other books and teaching on marriage over the years.
We begin our marriages as Kate says, with the assumption that we will feel loving and things will remain as intense as at was at the beginning but that is the easy bit. There is no question, marriage has to be worked at but we are led to believe by society, that somehow a happy marriage will just happen automatically.

As Kate wrote, I too would encourage you to read all you can on marriage such as the ‘Preparing for marriage’ & ‘Relationship basics’. There are so many differences between men and women and it is a known fact that many men often find it difficult to express what they are feeling or their own deepest needs even to their wives.

As a man, I continuously try to find out and learn all I can, to understand how women and in particular, how my wife ticks and if I can meet her needs that has to be a good for our relationship.
In your case, the more you can understand how your husband ticks, what his needs are likely to be, the more likely you are to begin to be able to meet them. So even if he does not act in loving ways towards you (at the moment), you can begin in small ways, to do things day by day that he may appreciate. You will be sowing good seeds into your marriage with him but like any seeds you sow, you must be patient and not expect to see instant results but in time bit by bit you will begin to see growth.

There will be set backs, I moved a garden plant last year and during this spring, there were times when I thought the plant wasn’t gong to make it. It kept dying back until there was hardly any hope left but I did not give up. I kept lovingly tending that plant, watering it, cutting back dead growth and the day came when I detected some new growth. All the tender care had paid off and today the plant is fully restored.

A book I feel you might also find helpful is, ‘His needs her needs’ by Willard Harley ISBN 0800714784 which you can see a review on, in the books part of the 2-in-2-1 site. It is available from Amazon.com and no doubt can be ordered from your local bookstore. I think this is an excellent because it underlines the different very different but real needs husbands and wives have. I highly recommend this and have personally bought and given away many copies.
As Kate says, please don’t give up. It is good that you have sought advice and help from 2-in-2-1.

However dark and at times low you feel about the situation as Kate says ‘Don’t give up’. Statistics show that many people who do give up in their marriages, later wish they had not done so and wish they had worked at it the way you have begun to do by writing to 2-in-2-1

Peter Murray