Work-at-home Mother

[Anonymous]

I work two jobs INSIDE the home, 5 a.m. to 4 p.m. (50+ hours/week), set hours. I used to work outside the home (40-45 hours/week) but felt it would be best for me and my children if I worked at home. Well, this has created more problems then I think it is worth. Sure, I'm home all the time, but, my husband, I feel, takes full advantage of the situation.

While he used to get the kids (ages 11 and 7) ready for school in the morning, pack their lunches, and get them for school when I worked in the office, this is no longer true. While he used to come home, make dinner and help clean up if I had to work at the office late, he no longer does, because I work at home.

I find that now that I'm at home, I'm responsible for 95% of the housework and rearing of the kids, even though I'm working more hours. While I should be working in the morning, I find I'm taking extended breaks to get my kids ready for school, while my husband watches TV or sleeps in.

This morning was a prime example: I get up at 4:30 a.m. to start my day, I start work at 5 a.m. At 6 a.m., I'm responsible for getting my husband up. I tried to get him up and told him he had to start getting the kids ready for school (I have set hours for work). By 6:20, he still wasn't up. The kids catch the bus at 7 a.m. Therefore, I was the one who got the kids up and into the showers. My husband got up sometime then to watch the news. I then had to blow-dry my daughter's hair. I told my husband that four books needed covered and my daughter's lunch needed made. In 20 minutes, he got one book covered because, "there was so much on the news to see this morning".

It was getting terribly late.

I finished covering the books and made my daughter's lunch. My husband took a shower. I checked my kids over and made sure they were appropriate, reminded them to brush their teeth, wash their faces, etc.

Just when I was getting everything into their bookbags, the bus honked the horn. My son started crying because everything wouldn't fit in his bookbag and he wanted a ride. My daughter started crying because she would miss me too much and didn't want to go to school. All morning, we were running around like "chickens with our heads cut off" trying to get ready for school, except my husband, who got up, watched the news and took a shower.

I am so close to quitting my jobs it isn't even funny. It is getting EXTREMELY difficult for me to work two jobs and take care of my kids and all the household stuff I have to do. I can't even describe how terribly tired and worn out I am all the time. I have not even 5 minutes to myself it seems. Plus, when I do have time to spend with my kids, I hesitate to say this, but, it feels more of a burden than pleasure because I'm so terribly tired and worn out.

I have threatened before to quit my jobs, but, there's a slight dilemma here. I am the major moneymaker in the family and I carry all the insurance. If I quit working, we would have to sell our house, take our kids out of private school, possibly collecting partial welfare because my husband doesn't make enough to support us.

When I have threatened before to quit, my husband tells me to go ahead, but he knows I won't. I grew up very poor and I refuse to let my children grow up that way.

Can I change my hours? Sure I could do that to work only when my kids are in school. But, I can't be changing my hours everytime they have off though. My company frowns on that.

Any advice? I'm sitting here shaking and crying after this mornings arguments. I'm mad, yet depressed at the same time. I am so close to putting in my two-weeks notice, yet know that I can't. I feel so stuck here!

[Kate]

The heart of your problem seems to be that you are not working together to face the callenges of family life. You say you've threatened to give up your job, but have you actually sat down together and discussed where you are trying to go in life as a family, or told your husband how tired and desperate you feel. If you don't think you can talk face to face at this stage, you could write some things down, perhaps sharing your feelings about life rather than your judgements of him, taking care not to blame him for those feelings.

Why is he so unmotivated about life? Is he a bit depressed? Does he have very different expectations about the roles you should have? Perhaps he's the sort of person who becomes easily dependent in the presence of someone dynamic and energetic. He seems to see life very differently from you - that doesn't have to be the end of the world, but you do need to explore those differences in attitudes and expectations and see how you can use them to move forward together.

I suggest you have a look at the marriage first aid area (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/marfirstaid/) which might give you some clues about what is going on between you.

For yourself, you may need to examine the way you look at life and whether you are driving yourself too hard and expecting too much of yourself. I have very high personal standards about doing tasks well and sometimes I'm my own worst enemy. Sometimes I have to ask myself, "If this doesn't get done toady, will it be the end of the world?". I know when you have children dependent on you there may not be much you can let go on, but it's worth thinking about.

Lastly, you might need a health check. It's possible you are getting run down with your hectic schedule. Talking to your doctor may not solve your long term problems, but it might help you to find the strength to face them.