Sexual Addiction help

[Yorkiebar]

Please dont judge me before reading this as its the first time I have broadcast this..

I think that i may have a problem with the topic above and not sure really what to do or who to turn to..

I need someone to talk to and I suppose talk about it. A problem shared and halved etc.. yet its embarassing and humiliating to speak about but I plucked up some courage to do so...

Not sure if this is the right place but after reading several of the topics, it seems a pretty open minded community and cross section of people... and the topic of people using porn etc is related so here goes..

regards
yorkie

[Helen_uk]

yorkie

What makes you think you have a sex addiction ? Do you have a partner ? If so have they commented on this ?

Helen

[Yorkiebar]

yes i have a partner, she knows nothing of this so hide it well but from my point of veiw, i seem to get intwinded in searching for fix, be it porn, masturbation, phone sex, the odd liason here n there but cant help looking for it.. and i just think its not normal and it worries me.., disturbs me, will feel disgusted and vow never again, then find myself starting over again, sometimes without realising it..

[Helen_uk]

yorkie

If you think you have a true addiction then you obviously need to seek help. I know it isn't an easy thing to talk about , but you are putting your relationship and your partner's health at risk, not to mention your own health.

There are stepped programmes that help deal with sexual or porn addictions but the first port of call would be your GP or sexual health clinic. I warn you in advance though that most programmes I've come across advocate complete avoidance of all triggers, including sex with your partner and this could be tricky to explain if she isn't aware of your problem. You can ask your GP to refer you to a specialist counsellor or you can pay privately and arrange to see one.

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem , so well done for that.
The next step is actively seeking help , which you are trying to do. There are quite a few groups available on the net if you search for them that can help support you and are run by either recovered addicts or partners of those with sexual addictions and they have a mine of experience and info on the subject.Help does seem to be more freely available in the US than in the UK, but it is out there.

With the advent of mobile phones and the internet , porn and sex are so much more freely available these days and those with addictive personalities can easily become enmeshed .I'm the partner of an addict and all I can say is it destroys the relationship, and the trust and leaves you devastated.

Good luck

Helen

[Yorkiebar]

thanks Helen... a lot of sense..
I havent had sexual intercourse with anyone else since i have been seeing my partner although have had an element of contact, i.e oral, hand stimulation from someone else..

I cant imagine going to the GP and saying all this, god it was hard enough typing it on here, but then maybe thats the 1st step although its so humiliating to think that i may have this problem..

Helen, you are the only person i have remotely discussed it so thats a breakthrough in itself and if anyone else has any input then im willing to listen but thank you for replying and not judging..

i guess id like to hear from anyone who has felt the same or thinks they fall into this catogory or if you have a partner who has this..

regards

[Helen_uk]

yorkie

You're welcome. My partner is addicted, mainly to porn, but this includes live porn, sex lines etc. He thinks he hides it well, but I always seem to be faced with it. We have had many, many rows over the years, but unlike you, he refuses to admit he has a problem, saying that it is something " All men do ".

Having lived with an addict before, I was aware of the signs, but the first step always has to be the addicts choice. No matter how well you think you've hidden the problem, your partner may very well find out in time . From what I've seen, the thrill of illicit sex feeds the addiction and pushes the addict to take more and more risks and of course stimulation is all around .

I know it's difficult to even think about talking face to face with someone about this, but it is the only way to get help and I'm sure your GP has heard it all ( and probably much worse ) before.

Like I said, hats off to you for making that first giant step and good luck for the future.

Helen

[Yorkiebar]

I just cant see myself being able to talk to my GP about this.. certainly not yet anyway. Do think it would be better with a complete stranger rather than the gp..

I wonder if there a groups where u can actually do that...
I still feel dirty and bad when i really analyse it and think, oh it will go away, but it doesnt..

Ive not gone into any specifics on here, I dont think the public forum is the place to go into what i find myself looking for etc.. but with your situation, you know the overall situation..

If you know of any such places where i can actually talk about it.. (other than here) then that would be helpful..

thanks again anyway..
best regards

[Raymond]

www.saa.recovery.org

You could try this site Yorkiebar which might be helpful.

I think what you are talking about is a kind of adultery against your partner and good sexual relations is one defence against it, but doing both is being unfaithful to her.

Sex in a right realtionship is good and wholesome, but mental sex with images, porn etc. etc will eat you alive and can truly be an addiction as you are discovering.

Raymond

[Helen_uk]

Yorkie

You could also try this site which is mainly for those addicted to pornography as the name suggests, but does have helpful tips and people to talk to and share your problems with.

www.no-porn.com

Yes I can pretty much imagine ( from my own experiences with my partner ) the kind of thing you mean , and it is a very difficult addiction to come to terms with for the partner of the addict. It makes me question my own sexual attractiveness and has lowered my self esteem , I always have some admiration however for those willing to admit to a problem such as this and to take positive steps to find help.

You will find help and advice on the net, but I do think that to begin a proper recovery from this , eventually you will find it necessary to talk to somebody " real ". however this has to be when you feel ready and so the net is as good a place to start as any.

Regards

Helen

[Raymond]

These people are being offered a kind of mental sex without the relationship whereas I believe sex is meant to happen in a stable relationship. It's the same as living on drugs instead of good food. One will destroy you the other sustain you.

I am sure you are still sexually attractive Helen so try and not let your partners misdemeanors affect your own self esteem.

Raymond

[Yorkiebar]

Hi Helen, thanks for the info, i will take a look and see whats on there. You are right though, I do feel a need to talk about to someone face to face who doesnt know me and wont judge me and encourage me to be 100% open and divulge everything, which isnt the most easy of thoughts to come to terms with i have to say, but i can relate to needing that.

Im so sorry you feel unattractive, Im sure you arent but thanks for sharing that as it goes give a little bit of insight into how this may affect others.

I just want to be normal, sometimes i do feel it and block it out, then it comes back and i feel guilty.. mostly after i have just ***, be it making myself or if someone else has done it for me... Its like the reality of the whole situation becomes clear and it quickly goes from a hi to a low..

Does that make sense?

[Helen_uk]

It does make sense , basically as with any addiction you feel a lack of control and are then ashamed , feeling you should be able to resist.

I never had self esteem problems before , I was a reasonably confident person, accepting myself and my desirability without really questioning it. The last 5 years have been absolute hell to be honest, when I first discovered what was happening I was sickened by it, especially with my circumstances and the fact that my partner knew about them.He swears that he loves me, says he would go to pieces if I left... and yet...he still can't resist the porn, even though he knows he's risking everything he says he holds dear.That's addiction for you, in the same way that a drug addict craves his fix, so does the porn addict and in the same way that a drug addict might start with dope or even nicotine in some cases, the sex or porn addict will start with minor soft porn and then move onto more hard core porn, sex chat lines, escort agencies , prostitutes or affairs. The thrill has to be fed and they become de-sensitised, needing something more .

They then might find that they have trouble ejaculating during normal penetrative sex, needing a firmer grip ( because of the masturbation ) or even have difficulty maintaining an erection during sex with a partner, simply because they need that " buzz " to hold their interest.

If you can't face your GP then the only thing I can suggest is you look for a private counsellor with a specialist interest in addictions and in sex addictions in particular if there is one in your area. Addictions are basically behaviours that have gotten out of control, and as with all behaviours they can be changed, but it takes time, and if you go private, money , psychotherapy can help and CBT can help you change the patterns of behaviours.

It's really up to you and how much you want.... or can afford to spend.

Helen

[Helen_uk]

Raymond

Thankyou for that. I get through by continually reminding myself that it is HIS problem and not something I can control . He is , in the end, responsible for his own behaviours and only he can choose if or when to try to change them.

I think for those not addicted to porn, it's something we can't comprehend, it isn't " real ". To me there is also a little bit of laziness involved, not with a true sex addict, but with a porn addict, they can dispense with the niceties and get quick satisfaction. No need to talk, no need to satisfy the woman, and when they are done they can switch off and forget about it .An easy fix.

Sad.

Helen

[Raymond]

As a man I can comprehend it and do see the attraction, but then I also see the reality of relationship as opposed to the fantasy and destructiveness of porn, especially to one's marriage and also to one's faith in my case.

You are right in everything you say about it Helen and do have very good insight. It is basically a male problem although a few woolly females think they can go along with it. They are never really convincing though.

The people who keep pure and are faithful in marriage have the best sex believe me. Faithfulness reaps tremendoes benefits for both partners. It's just one big lie this porn thing that is luring people into empty deserts without water.

One can never grow properly if you are not relating properly.

Raymond

[Helen_uk]

Hi Raymond

Yes living with an addict has been an eye opener . My step mum was an alcoholic so I had had some experience with addictive behaviours, but nothing like this.

I feel uncomfortable in my own home, and yet I don't like to go out and leave him alone because I KNOW what he'll be doing whilst I'm gone.It's not an easy way to live. The worst part though is the constant denial and anger I get from him , denial until faced with proof and then anger because I've " checked up " on him.
I worry about how far he will take it, will he eventually move on to an affair ? How can I ever trust that he won't ? The whole thing is a nightmare that seems never ending, and yet I know I could end it by walking away, and yet I don't. The other parts of our relationship make me hesitate to give up on it.

Porn has turned him into a deceitful liar , his constant need to look at it and then hide the evidence has destroyed any trust I had in him, the whole thing is sad.

Helen

[Raymond]

It must be very hard for you Helen. You seem to be trying to help everyone else and yet you have this big problem yourself. I suppose you must have seen something in him at the beginning to enter into a relationship with him.

It doesn't necessarily mean that he is going to have an affair. The thing about porn is that you are like a voyeur entering in in a sense but not having to relate. You are doing this to all sorts of pornographic images whereas true intimacy I believe involves a one to one relationship with a real person and you also share sex, in the right context I believe. Porn seems no obvious cost but it robs you of dignity and who you are as a person. You probably know more about that than me by now.

Your partner seems totally addicted and yet is not facing up to it. There is a culture I'm afraid amongst some men that it's a fun thing to do, but the cost is tremendous as it is really a kind of mental adultery or unfaithfulness that destroys the security and intimacy of a right partnership. Sex is a powerful thing and if you don't get it right it will burn you right to the core. I understand more and more why the bible is so strict about it only encouraging it within the right context.

I have to admire you. You seem so level headed considering the upbringing you had.

[Helen_uk]

Thankyou Raymond

I had a lot of counselling and eventually became a counsellor myself although I haven't practiced for many years now . I learned the hard way that problems have to be faced up to and dealt with and so it is aggravating that my partner insists on burying his head in the sand.

He has moved on from porn in a way as he had a , well I suppose you'd call it a mobile phone affair with a woman, although he is adament it went no further than that and though he didn't admit it at the time, he has since said that he does now consider that being unfaithful. Hence my fear that it may cross over from fantasy to reality.

He has good points and we were extremely happy until this whole business reared it's ugly head. Whether we can ever get back to that point, I don't know . It's hard to trust someone who you know is driven by a need such as this , as with any addict there is never a cure and porn is so easily available. My counsellor suggested that I disable the internet and ask him to give up his mobile phone, and he readily agreed, however to me this isn't the answer. I need to be able to trust him not to do these things because he chooses to, not because he can't, and in any case SIM cards are so cheap to buy that if he wanted to he could just buy another and internet access is also freely available and add to that I don't want to be his mother ! He just doesn't get that.....

helen

[Raymond]

He has moved on from porn in a way as he had a , well I suppose you'd call it a mobile phone affair with a woman, although he is adament it went no further than that and though he didn't admit it at the time, he has since said that he does now consider that being unfaithful. Hence my fear that it may cross over from fantasy to reality.

That's something I suppose. An admission of unfaithfulness I mean. As for reality I suppose it was only voices, not quite an affair. Maybe it was those things you pay for? Dirty talk?

It's hard to trust someone who you know is driven by a need such as this , as with any addict there is never a cure and porn is so easily available.

I wouldn't say there is never a cure although I am only speaking of cases within the christian world I know of.

My counsellor suggested that I disable the internet and ask him to give up his mobile phone, and he readily agreed.

There is an admission there for him to agree to that. A cry for help perhaps?

however to me this isn't the answer. I need to be able to trust him not to do these things because he chooses to, not because he can't.

Of course, but that's not going to happen until he is free of it. Sometimes it takes a long time.

helen

I have to type at least ten words to make this work?

[Helen_uk]

The woman he was talking by mobile to, was someone he* met* on a dating channel on .. of all things.. a cable TV channel. When I found out what he was doing , he told me it was " Just a bit of fun " . needless to say I didn't quite see it that way. I only have his word that they never met up, as one of her txts read that she " couldn't wait to meet him " I assumed I found out BEFORE they actually met up, however I will never be sure of that. He said he had no intention of doing so, but who knows ?

The reason he said he would agree to giving up his mobile, had more to do with shutting me up I think than any genuine feeling he had to reassure me , which is why I refused it. He has to have the will power not to do it, I won't babysit him.

I don't think to this day he has any real idea of how much he hurt me, he refuses to discuss it and it isn't something I can easily forgive.

Yes, it does take time, but it doesn't even start until the person admits they have a problem, this hasn't happened yet and it may never do so. Like many on here I have a time frame, and it is fast running out.

Helen

[Raymond]

The woman he was talking by mobile to, was someone he* met* on a dating channel on .. of all things.. a cable TV channel. When I found out what he was doing , he told me it was " Just a bit of fun " . needless to say I didn't quite see it that way. I only have his word that they never met up, as one of her txts read that she " couldn't wait to meet him " I assumed I found out BEFORE they actually met up, however I will never be sure of that. He said he had no intention of doing so, but who knows ?

It all adds to the breaking down of trust.

The reason he said he would agree to giving up his mobile, had more to do with shutting me up I think than any genuine feeling he had to reassure me.

Right. Got the picture

I don't think to this day he has any real idea of how much he hurt me, he refuses to discuss it and it isn't something I can easily forgive.

Forgiving him will be more for your sake than his as if he doesn't change the problem will go on.

Yes, it does take time, but it doesn't even start until the person admits they have a problem, this hasn't happened yet and it may never do so. Like many on here I have a time frame, and it is fast running out.

I feel for you Helen. You can't stop me praying, even if you don't believe.

Raymond

[Helen_uk]

Thankyou Raymond.....

I will glady accept your offer to pray for me . As an agnostic it is hard for me to believe in God, but I keep an open mind and I'm always hopeful.

Things have gotten more difficult for me yet again in the past few days. Steve has taken to leaving his mobile on silent... or switching it off whilst at home, he's also taken to taking it into the bathroom with him, which I understand is where most of his last txt affair was conducted. I may be being over sensitive , but after what happened before it is hard for me not to notice the whereabouts of his mobile.

I shall struggle on and no doubt we will come to blows about it eventually.


Helen

[Raymond]

Thank you for your permission to p for you.

Sounds like you are on tenterhooks about his mobile. It can't be doing you much good. He is being unfaithful. These are other women he is involved in even if they are only pictures. The worse thing is the lack of openess. More and more men don't know how to be married today from what I'm reading. If it was a weakness that was admitted you could work together to overcome it. But brazenly doing it without a thought of it being wrong is like stamping on you. The bed joins you together and you get hurt if someone is betraying that privelege.

You have ample grounds for seperation if you needed it or wanted it, but I know you are trying to work all these things out in your mind.

Raymond

[Helen_uk]

Raymond

At the moment it feels as though my whole life is being lived on tenterhooks ! I used to be a strong confident person , despite.. or maybe because of the adversities in my life. Now I spend most of my days afraid, not of him, but of me , if that makes sense ?

It's actually easier right now when he isn't around , I count the minutes until he goes to work as it's the only time I can relax and feel at peace. The whole time he is here I am fighting with myself not to check or even look at his mobile.. it's almost as if it has become a seperate being !

To give you an idea I'll say this , 12 years before I met him I had given up smoking, within months of knowing him I'd started again, I'm now smoking at least 40 a day if not more. Since knowing him I have suffered a deepening of depression, become agoraphobic and attempted suicide. None of these were directly caused by him, but his lack of support and understanding haven't helped.

Everything is always my fault , in his eyes he is blameless , he twists things around until I can no longer think straight for instance any time we have rowed .. or even tried to talk.... about his affair or his use of porn, it is twisted around to my checking up on him, to the point where I end up feeling guilty, and on occasion have even apologised !

My agoraphobia, though it is improving slowly, has prevented me from being strong enough to leave , the odd time I have managed to leave the house I don't get far. I am registered disabled and have my son who is also disabled and it has been difficult thus far to find a solution in respect of finding somewhere to live. My son will be at UNI in September so this will be one problem solved . I have no family who could house me and Steve has seen fit to alienate most of my friends , to say I feel trapped is an understatement.

There are so many men on here who have lost wives or partners and grieve over that and so desperately want them back in their lives , if I left tomorrow Steve most likely wouldn't even care. That hurts.

Helen

[Raymond]

I used to be a strong confident person , despite.. or maybe because of the adversities in my life. Now I spend most of my days afraid, not of him, but of me , if that makes sense ?

I can understand that. You are worrying about what it is doing to you and the confidence you had. We do get stronger when we can overcome adversities, but sometimes the problems are bigger than we can cope with on our own and that's where we need God's help. I don't believe we are designed to live without Him. There is a way to Him if we are willing.

Since knowing him I have suffered a deepening of depression, become agoraphobic and attempted suicide. None of these were directly caused by him, but his lack of support and understanding haven't helped.

You have invested a lot in the relationship Helen and it is affecting you. I know you have a confidence deep down through overcoming things and it shows in the way you write, but this seems to be getting to you because you have opened yourself to someone who doesn't seem to be reciprocating. It's not wrong to be open to people, that brings life but we are also making ourselves vulnerable and where trust is broken it hurts. Particularly so in the relationship that should mean the most.

he twists things around until I can no longer think straight for instance any time we have rowed .. or even tried to talk.... about his affair or his use of porn, it is twisted around to my checking up on him, to the point where I end up feeling guilty, and on occasion have even apologised !

Nothing can justify his behaviour Helen although of course we need tact as to how we tackle it.

My agoraphobia, though it is improving slowly, has prevented me from being strong enough to leave , the odd time I have managed to leave the house I don't get far. I am registered disbaled and have my son who is also disabled and it has been difficult thus far to find a solution in respect of finding somewhere to live. My son will be at UNI in September so this will be one problem solved . I have no family who could house me and Steve has seen fit to alienate most of my friends , to say I feel trapped is an understatement.

Could not the council help you here? I would think you would be a high priority.

Don't do anything stupid Helen. I can't help you but I know a man who can.

Take care - Raymond

[Helen_uk]

I know you mean God Raymond ... but I was thinking more a hit man.... : )

[Raymond]

Now now Helen don't do anything stupid even if you feel like it. I know you are joking, (I hope).

Raymond

[Helen_uk]

I am joking Raymond ( well I think I am.... )I just sometimes think life would be so much easier if he wasn't around....

Helen

ps Thanks for caring xx

[Annie2]

Helen,
I know this won't help but I read about your situation and I think what an amazing person you are. You are aware of more than I think you realise. You feel trapped yet know and understand why, you see exactly what your husband emotionally does to you and you are not just accepting it emotionally in way that you think its all you. To me that is the first but huge step towards a journey of freedom (whatever that will be for you). You've identified why you are unhappy and that you are unhappy. I'm basing my next bit on what I've summed you up as: I don't think you will allow yourself to remain like that forever. To me (and it's far far easier as I'm not in the thick of what you are in) you are casting the first stone, your setting your ripple and it's not going to plop (ok I may have started off well on that but it's getting late and I ran out of poetic words)......anyway I feel we are a few posts off from a truely amazing step from you.

Hang in there Helen you are brilliant!
Annie xx

[Helen_uk]

Thankyou Annie

Yes I am getting stronger and I WILL get there eventually , I'm getting far less tolerant, and for me that's a sign that I'm starting to mentally move on and when I do he aint gonna be hitching his wagon to my train !

Helen x

[Yorkiebar]

Dont know if anyone saw the documentary with Ulrike Johnson.. "am I a sex addict"
coudlnt beleive it when it was on, but was quite a good insight really..
I gasped at the reccomendation of a year with no sex or sexual contact!!
She didnt manage that but found help and it seemed to have improved her life..

was a good show and an eye opener for sure..

Think its given me a few things to think about...

[Alice Alice]

Yorkiebar
that movie sounds good i will have to look into it so my husband can see it for he is a porn addict
only thing is he might refuse to watch it because he gets emabaraced...for a guy who likes porn he is very shy
i guess it will be when he is alone
i will also check out those web sights and e-mail it to him

i wonder how i would feel about his porn addiction if he was making love to me .....as he hasn't at all in 2-1/2 years now

he once told me i come on too strong...????

:confused:

[Raymond]

In the end the best sex in linked to relationship. I am discovering that more and more. Pornography is a search for something you never get and when you look round you have lost the precious things you did have.

Raymond

[Alice Alice]

sexual addiction is a warped idea because of some type of drama from your past
you need to ballance your mind and heart

[Raymond]

I don't know if people mean porn addiction when they say sex addiction. Fantasy with MB, phone sex etc. can all be addictive. There is a big difference between sex with your wife and sex with porn or anyone off the street.


It's the difference between drugs and food. One you get addicted to, the other you need to give you the energy to live. I know one can overeat but then you are going against your life.

You can never have too much sex with your wife, so long as you can work when you have to and both attend to everything you need to do, you cannot be having too much. Like TV if you are watching when you should be doing something else then something is wrong.

Raymond