Why canI 't I just walk away and he can?

[Steph80]

My husband says that he is nolonger in love with me. This is now after he told me the day after v-day that he wasn't happy. I found out that he has been talking to a girl at work and I say girl cause she is only 22 and has a past for causeing this kind of thing to peoples marraiges. I want to make this work for us. I don't care if they are friends or should. He says that he hasn't done anything she is just someone he can talk to. Is it wrong for a 27 yr old man to have a friendship with her? Do I not fight to make this work. I have so much love for him. We have a son together. Do I walk away with out a fight or do I fight for what I want. Push him to talk cause he claims that he can't tell me why this has happen. How do you just stop loving someone after 12 years? Please anyone who can help let me know what to do.

[jo71]

Steph, I'm going through the exact same thing as you right now (you can go back and read some of my posts about my situation if you'd like). What I have just recently come to realize is that you can't fight for your marriage alone. It's like fighting a battle with only half an army. It takes 2 people to make a marriage work, and if he says he doesn't love you anymore, and if you believe him, for you to fight it will only make him see you as desperate (not an attractive quality), and will cause you to feel weak about yourself. Why don't you see if he will go to counciling? If he doesn't want to, then more than likely, he really doesn't want to work it out and has made up his mind (that's the boat I'm in). If he does, then he obviously sees a possibility of finding the love for you again that he says he has lost.

Good luck Steph. I hope things go better for your marriage than they have for mine.

Jo

[Annie2]

Steph I am so sorry this is happening to you. I do think it's wrong for him to have a friendship and say that they can 'talk'. He should be talking to you not her. Why did you mention this friendship if it's not playing on your mind that it is inappropriate? Is he discussing his marriage with her? This is exactly what my husband did and came to a sudden conclusion that he didn't love me. Unfortunately by the time I had found out the 'friendship' had turned sexual and he decided it was love for him. Like this girl my husband's 'friend' had already a reputation and had helped to break up one marriage with children in it. But you are in a different situation if they are just 'friends'. I think you need to be true to yourself, don't be desperate but don't hide your feelings of hurt and love. You need to be totally honest with him. If this has come as a big shock you need to know why he has and how he has come to this decision. Does he really know what it means and has he thought it properly through.
Are you able to get away for a bit and get some space. If you can do not contact him, let him have a taste of what it will be like.
This is so confusing and hard for you. You must take care of yourself and I hope things become clearer for you. Could you even suggest marriage guidance? I suspect his 'decision' has not really been thought through properly. Have you noticed a change in him recently?
Keep posting Steph and let us know how you are,
Annie

[Steph80]

jo71
I have tried seeing if he wants to go to counseling but he puts up this mental block that it will not work. That is how he is about everything. I didn't think that many people are going through this until I found this site. I just find myself calling him trying to make it work our 2 year wedding anniversary is the 18th I asked if he would like to go to dinner and what I got in return was why? I don't love you anymore. Ouch. That killed me. I am trying so hard to be strong for our son. He is only 18 months and I think really knows what is going on. I am sorry that it didn't work out for you. I think I will be the same. I am trying to find out info on his friend. I do know she is only 22. We are 27. She also lives with her parents and has been know for doing this in the past. I feel like going to her parents house and letting them know what their daughter is doing. How bad is that. I told my husband that I am going to be talking to her. Is that wrong?

[Steph80]

Annie2,
Thanks so much for the advice. I have tried seeing if I can get him to go to a therapist or someone who can help us. I am not sure if he talks to her about us or not. He will not talk to me about it. Our 2 year wedding annasivery is next weekend and I asked if he would like to got to dinner and he said why? I don't love you. Even him saying that I still want to make this work. We have an 18 month old son, I don't want him to think I never tryed.I can't see my husband even trying to talk to another women. He just isn't that way. But now I don't know anymore. I hope that they don't have a sexual relationship. If they do it will be short. I just know I need to keep trying. My son is acting out in angry now. So I am trying to see if his dad will go out as a family so our son can see we are ok. Maybe I am lying to myself? and my son is doing it for other reasons. I am also scared what will happen to me if I let go. Will I ever be loved again. Who will love someone over weight with a child? can I ever love again? God now I know that I am going crazy.

[jo71]

Steph, I'm new at all this divorce stuff myself, so I can't give you all the answers unfortunately...I wish I had them for myself. But for now, just take one day at a time. That's what I'm doing. Yes, we WILL be loved again. I don't know your spiritual beliefs, but my belief is that we are going through this for a very important reason. Whether it works out or not with our husbands, this experience is happening to teach us something so that we will be able to use what we've learned in the future. I also believe that if things do not work out for me and my husband, that there is another man out there somewhere in this world already picked out for me...someone who will be a hero to my kids and me, and who won't desert us like my husband is doing. This is not a fun experience by any means...I'm just closing my eyes and holding on tight and waiting for this ride to be over, because at the end is a calm that I really look forward to embracing!
Jo

[Mike56]

---- but my belief is that we are going through this for a very important reason. Whether it works out or not with our husbands, this experience is happening to teach us something so that we will be able to use what we've learned in the future. ---

I've just read a book called The Celestine Prophecy which essentailly has exactly this message. From my own perspective, I can honestly say I've learned a massive amount about "me", my hopes, expectations and approiaches to relationships. The lesson has been challenging, and painful. But necessary.

Keep strong - be positive - always envisage what you hope for and want, and it has a greater chance of happening than if you focus on negatives.

Proof? Well, since I discovered the power of "manifesting waht I want", I can (beleive it or not) find a parking space when I need it! Daft I know, but it's about 90% successful, and the town is a busy wee town!

I've yet to manisfest a job, but I'm working on it! Manifesting a meaningful relationship with my ex is still ongoing, but I have to say that I'm actually beginning to find myself not necessarily believing that is the right thing, unless we are able to bring some real changes into the connection.

I have however found that as my outlook changes, my positivity has produced developments within what may always be a platonic relationship with a long-term friend which is proving enjoyable and worthwhile for both of us.

It DOES get better - Mike.