Don't know what to do.

[LatinaAngel]

My husband and I have been married for 1yr 6mnths. I found almost a year ago he was talking to his ex-girlfriend she would page him and he would call her back.
I found out he was on the computer looking for single wolmen. I spoke to my husband and we went to see a christian marriage counsler. Who he is still seeing today. I stopped going because I forgave my husband, but like I told him it will be a long time before I trust you again. Now I just found again a yahoo personal on my computer again. Now I want to leave and yes I did talk to him about this he tells me he has not been on that, but his user name is on there. I love my husband but I love myself to much to let someone hurt me like this. My step daughter just found me and her dad might be getting a divorce. She cryed to my kids that she does not want to lose her step family. I am in Love with her dad and God knows that my husband is the love I always asked for. I love my step kids also. I just don't know what to do? Why does love have to hurt so much and why does the person you love hurt you so bad?

[Kate]

Dear LatinaAngel,

I am sorry to hear that you are still finding things that make trusting your husband harder. We do hurt each other more the closer we are because our expectations are rightly higher. When we are vulnerable with our spouse being let down is going to hurt.

I wonder if you have had the chance to talk to each other about what learning to trust again would look like for each of you. There is an article here on this: http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/. Then your husband would know what he needed to do to help you and you would be able to judge whether his behaviour means he is straying again.

Has the subject of lying come up in the counselling, do you know? It could be worth having a converation about what might help your husband to act and speak openly. Sometimes people want to be open but are afraid of the response they may get, so they can be encouraged to be more open by the way others respond to them. Progress can be made in little steps. After all if one has got into the habit of being cagey, it may be hard to change quickly.

I do hope you can find some way to talk to your husband again about your concerns and find a way forward.

Kate

[Raymond]

You did well to be able to forgive him Latina, and it was a positive thing that he agreed to go to the christian counselor with you.

Yes your trust has been broken and yes it does take a long time to build up again.

I wonder though if it was wise to tell him that it will be a long time before you will be able to trust him again, although it was true. I wasn't there so I don't know how you put this accross in a loving way or a judging way. If he is sorry he does need your acceptance if you say that you have forgiven him. He needs the encouragement that he has another chance. If you are making him eat dirt this might have the effect of driving him back to his old ways.

Just a thought.

Raymond

[LatinaAngel]

Hi Raymond, You and Kate are so nice to at least give me some advise. I had to let him know how I am feeling. If feel if I did not tell him how I feel he would never know. I Love my husband so much, I would do anything for him and he knows that. I am trusting him a little at a time, which he can tell. We talk about the past and I try not to bring it up, but the Lord knows its hard. I want to forget and the counsler told us The hurt will get better. How do I forget the pain, the sadness, the broken heart, the distrust in the man I gave every thing to...HOW! I wish to God every day that I can forget, I don't want to hurt him and I know I am

[Raymond]

You have been wounded Latina and you can't shrug it off just like that. You have done your best forgiving him etc. Hopefully he will begin to understand the effects of his behaviour. You need a time of healing and if he is sincere in his repentance he will help you in this. I feel for you Latina. These things are so important. You say the Lord knows how hard it is. Yes He does and if you are one that knows Him it's time to look to His strength, comfort and healing and also wisdom as to how to conduct yourself in light of what has happened.

Trust is so important. One can find it in themselves to overlook weakness but deliberate unfaithfulness is devastating. He has to make up his mind whether he is married to you with all that entails. If he does there is hope to rebuild and learn from this devastation.

God bless you Latina. Take care.

Raymond

[waterlily]

listen i also went through a simaler situaton my husband and i were married only a few months when i found out he was talking to a young girl that was working with him. It wasn't that they were talking they were talking about sex and things like that plus they were seeing eachother at work every day.except we weren't only married we have two kids... well come to find out she called his cell on his birthday to tell him she couldnt meet him and i got the message i called her back in front of him and she hung up. he promised it would stop and it didn't i found out befor christmas he was still doing it i told him i was leaving and if i could help it he would never see his kids again because i didn't want them exposed to his cheating. That hurt him really bad worse then anything else could ever. to get to the point i still have trouble trusting him but i have to belive in him because i no this isn't who he is deep down he dose love me and his children. and we will be having our third in nov. you have to find it in your heart to trust him again, and every once in awhile weather it may cause afight or not you just throw in a little jab like so how is so and so doing, or have you been still talking to her, or have you seen..... lately, just be warned it may cause a fight. but its all in the way you know how to read him dose he get upset if hes lieing or can he not look at you or dose he get so scared that maybe you know something so he beats around the bush or cracks and tells you. well good luck with everything and don't be afraid to stick it out for awhile, if there is one thing i have learned its we always find out one way or another weather its when it happens or one year later we find out.My husband and I have been married for 1yr 6mnths. I found almost a year ago he was talking to his ex-girlfriend she would page him and he would call her back.
I found out he was on the computer looking for single wolmen. I spoke to my husband and we went to see a christian marriage counsler. Who he is still seeing today. I stopped going because I forgave my husband, but like I told him it will be a long time before I trust you again. Now I just found again a yahoo personal on my computer again. Now I want to leave and yes I did talk to him about this he tells me he has not been on that, but his user name is on there. I love my husband but I love myself to much to let someone hurt me like this. My step daughter just found me and her dad might be getting a divorce. She cryed to my kids that she does not want to lose her step family. I am in Love with her dad and God knows that my husband is the love I always asked for. I love my step kids also. I just don't know what to do? Why does love have to hurt so much and why does the person you love hurt you so bad?