Mum's affair

[bluebelle]

My whole life I thought I lived in the perfect family. I was the daughter of a doctor and a nurse who clapped eyes over the operating table. My parents, my little brothers and I lived in a huge house in the countryside. I am 21 and live away from home at University in the UK... this Christmas, my mum dropped the bombshell that she'd been having an affair with a family friend and was leaving us for him. Now she's gone.

Oh my God it hurts. Everything is shattered into a million tiny bits. I am messing up all of my university work because of this, and my tutor has advised me to drop out and save my efforts rather than end up with a bad grade.

Anyone who's having an affair - it hits your kids so much harder than you realise. Don't do it.

[1cor13v13]

So sorry to hear this, bluebelle. Are you really thinking of giving up your course, or just taking time out to think things through? Even the thought of the possibility of my parents doing the same distresses me (and I am 39, happily married with a child). They are still together, but I suppose all children think about it, no matter how old they are... so sorry this has happened to you.

Be strong. This is a good place to be to get some of the stuff out of your system. And maybe help people to think again if they are thinking of committing adultery.

[darcy]

So sorry for what has happened to you , my father has another women and keeps leaving my mum then getting cold feet and returning! He has done this at least 5 times im so angry with my mother for taking him back everytime. Parents separating devastates the children whatever age im nearly 40! Please reconsider leaving uni, talk to your tutor see if you can have a break, take care keep in touch.

[1cor13v13]

I agree with darcy. Perhaps you could take a year out. Don't pack it all in. You deserve a chance to study and succeed - without all this on top.

[Jan200712]

My mums doign the same thing, right now as we speak.

I didnt think I would be too bothered but I am. She works with the man, and hes good friend swith my dad which makes my stomach churn. He comes round to family barbecues...my mum even invited him around on mothers day after me, my brother and little sister cookes a 3 course meal for her and my my dad.

I found out a year ago because I guessed and she admitted it to me in floods of tears explaining how she is soo unhappy with my dad. She know uses this excuse just about 50 million times a week and its getting tired and boring now. I asked her this morning when is she going to make her decision so the rest of us can get on with our lives....but she 'doesn't know'

All I feel is so much pent up anger its making me turn to other things to help release it. I am starting to hate her and I used to be like her best friend when I was younger.

Im 20, and I am the only one who knows but just because Im technically an adult, does not make it any easier to know about.

[1aokgal]

Bluebelle........

Grow up, Bluebelle, you are not 10 years old today.You are 21, an adult.

No one knows the truth of what is behind closed doors. You mother may have been miserable in that marriage for years. She waited until you were launched to find some happiness.

Yes, it rattled you to find out your mother is not the little mom and housewife but a woman who desperately yearned to be free and happy. Don't blame her too much because she failed to meet your expectations. Get over it.

Don't be judgmental when you don't know the truth. Maybe there has been no sex in that marriage for years which is why many women leave at that stage. She was not perfect but that does not mean she loves you any less or cares less about your activities.

You will always want to wish her well and hope she has found happiness. Remember we live longer today and marriages often do not make it "until death do us part." It was better for her to move out and get a life then to spend years in a marriage that was miserable and unhappy. You really cannot sit and place blame as it was all her fault your grades were low. It is probably true there was lot going on in that household you did not know about.

Forgive your mother for following her heart to reach out to live. It took tremendous courage to do what she did. Should she have waited until you were 30 and it was too late for her? You will make your life and decisions the best you can as well. Learn the positive lessons here that show we all have to make decisions which may be very difficult.

Shame on you for crawling back in the womb over this change in status.
Salvage your courses if you can so you won't let your average go down. Prove you are an adult who can roll with the punches. Be a friend to dad but don't take sides here. This was really hard for your mother to leave a long term marriage and grab for happiness. No, she is not selfish as she waited until you were of age. She does not owe you all of her life nor should you expect that.
Good luck to you . She is the only mother you will ever have and needs to know you are OK. She also needs your love and respect.

Don't blame your situation just on your mother. You will face many problems in your life ahead.