hurt and confused

[PJS]

I understand how sad and hurt feels, I myself am going through something similar, my husband views porn on the net. I have tried to make him stop, he knows that I don't like it. He has promised me he would stop. I know he would like to stop, he thinks that I won't find out but I always do
because he doesn't hide things very well. My husband said that he would like to stop but he has a hard time. I have only been married for 9 months, he and I are the only ones that know about this. It hurts me when he does this, I blamed myself for a while, but I realized that it is not me, we have a great sex life so I know that I am not doing anything wrong. This feeling of hurt just won't go away. I love him with all my heart
and I feel the only way to stop him is to get rid of the internet, but then I can't have any enjoyment from the internet. I just wish I knew what to do, praying seems to help some, staying with him is what I want to do. My heart tells me to stay with him, finding out how to help him is what I want to do because he is worth saving for him and me I am just glad I could express my feeling somewhere even if it is on the net. I am glad I found this website at least I know I am not alone.
PJS

[Dave]

Dear PJS,

Thanks for sharing your pain - you are certainly not alone in having to deal with his demeaning behaviour.

Take a look in the section on Cyber sex (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/) - there are various resources there you might find of help.

If he really does want to break the habit it will take great will power, and a lot of love and support from you. If he is willing, why not install something like Wisechoice (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/php-bin/jump.php?linkid=122) so that you can use the computer but block out pornography. His agreeing to this would be a real sign that he is willing to change, but acknowledges his own weakness.

Don't give up, you are special and beautiful, and strong enough to love him through this.

Dave

[Lisa]

I have been married 6 months and my husband views porn on the net. I first discovered this when we had been married, only 1 month at first it was just naked women, now it is worse and he views people having sex with farm animals. I recently discovered how to get into his E-mail and found out that he was contacting people, that share the same interest and he has said that he wants to own a farm in our area or work on a farm with animals and would love to see guys having sex with female animals this really hurts, and I don't want him to know that I read his mail, but I want him to stop. He has promised me he would stop but, he doesn't and he says that the internet is his downfall. I wanted to E-mail these people under my address and tell them to stop contacting my husband or I would contact the authorities, but then he would find, out that I had been in his mail. He also told these people, that he would like to meet them because they share the same interest I once asked him why he views animals he says that they don't excite him, he is just curious and that the pictures are weird. My husband and I are the only ones who know about his problem. I would hate for his kids to find out they are young, and his ex wife would never let him see his kids again. What do I do? I want to help him. I am thinking of threating to leave him even though I have told him in the past that I would never leave him over this, that I only want to help him with his addiction. I am very confused right now and don't know what to do.

[Kate]

Dear Lisa,

I'm not surprised that you are feeling confused, with such a difficult situation to face. Unfortunately the porn sites are designed to draw people deeper and deeper in.

We would suggest that you read the previous post from Dave, which among other things tells you how you can install a program to block out pornographic sites. We recommend you talk to your husband and install it with his full co-operation. If he says the internet is his downfall, then this should help him to beat his addiction.

You might also suggest that he severs all links with any friends he has made through it. You don't have to say that you know he has such friends, just ask him if he has made any contacts through it.

The other thing that is important is to find healthy common interests to keep his mind off the negative things, and to build up your relationship and trust again.

[PJS]

I wrote before saying I was hurt and confused. I took Dave's advice and things are going great My husband has admitted he has a problem and wanted to stop and didn't know how, our relationship is better than it ever was, because the porn is gone and my husband says he feels free now that it is gone. I just want people to know, that this addiction, can be overcome with love and understanding. I now have a nanny on my computer which my husband says is a great thing, it really works and for those who have been hurt by this type of addiction there is hope, porn has an addictive pull just like drugs, when my husband, found out that I felt like he cheated on me, even though he hadn't, he realized that he had to stop for the both of us. He thanks me a lot for helping him with this addiction and says he now wants to start a family and have a real life away from this porn addiction. I would just like to thank Dave for his advice and to let people know that there are people willing to listen and help

Thanks
PJS