I can't get what's happened out of my mind

[Harley]

Hi,

I'm a 49yr old guy living in the UK. My partner and I have been living together for 9 yrs now and we both split up from our marriages to get together. We had an affair but it wasn't just a sex thing and then fizzle out, we both knew almost straight away that we wanted to be together and after a short space of time left and set up home.
She brought a young daughter, 8 with her, which 'wasn't in the plan' and left behind two lads of I think 10 and 13 with her ex. After a while my daughter came to live with us in my old home and she was 15 at the time.

Needless to say the inevitable problems arose regarding step parenting which led to some pretty heavy resentments from both of us toward one another and the children. I work away so it compounded the problem and it became worse and worse.

After a while, my daughter (who's getting married this year) left home as I told her that if I had to choose between her and my partner I'd choose my partner (yes, a big ouch) but I thought that was the right thing to do and as they clearly didn't get on I wanted to be with my partner and my daughter was my daughter after all and would leave us some day and forge her own life.

Needless to say, the wedding this year will be grim as they simply cannot stand each other and my partner (MP) simply won't go. Buit that's not the main problem.

After a while the resentment that had built up became too much. MP had some other 'womanly' issues that she freely admits caused her to become moody and awful to live with and I found somebody else who would give me some love and affection. Selfish perhaps but true nonetheless. I had, or at least in my mind, had sat down and spoken with MP on many, many occasions but it was no use and I knew that I was shutting down.

Anyway, I left home and set up with the other girl (OG - sorry but I just don't want to keep typing my patner and other girl) and very shortly after, 2 weeks in fact MP did the same. She started work and met somebody there and started going out for dinner with him.

She found out after a few weeks that I was seeing somebody else and then it quickly accelerated to a hotel then back to the house etc.

There's also a whole load of stuff that went on in the background but the long and the short of it is that we got back together and have been that way for over a year now but it's tough, very, very tough.

We had the normal beating each other up every chance we got about what we each did or didn't do and here's the crux of the problem. I honestly think I do love MP, but I just can't shake away the thoughts and very often visions of them together and making out.

I know it must be the same for her, she tells me so, in fact OG went round and told her what had happened shortly after the break up so she has 'no doubt' the intensity of my relationship, I just have the minimum intimacy story from MP about her's and I guess I simply don't believe it.

I am currently away from home working and we have simply stopped communicating for three days with MP saying that I have to let her know if I'm coming home (planned for about 9 days time) or not so we can get on with our lives. I have been beating her up again about her relationship so it's me who's caused this rift, I won't deny it.

My problem ? I so much want to go home and live my life again with her and stuff. I can live with the fact that I may have to go to my daughters wedding on my own, even put up with the mood swings that MP still has and the payback she wants to give me becuase of my affair. In fact, if she had done nothing when we were apart it would make it easier for me becuase I could just do all I can to make it right.

Some would say, and I wouldn't blame them that I'm getting my just deserts. I would agree. I've thought about hypnotherapy to blank out what happened during that period - almost pretend that it didn't happen.

I know that if I could get past this constant set of thought and visions of them together I could live happily again. Without doubt she's stronger than I am. But I live with this every day, morning through night and striaght away when I wake up again.

I know I caused the train wreck I'm in, but I too got badly hurt in it.

Has anybody out there got anything they can tell me to help me get past it or learn to live with it ? Otherwise I really do fear that I just can't go back home anymore.

I'm not looking for an excuse to be the badly treated one, please feel pity for me, I'm looking for a way to repair the damage I caused so I can live with myself.

I've said to MP that this is not her fault. True nobody held a gun to her head, but if I hadn't stepped out none of this would have happened.

But I am still hurting and can't live like this any longer. I don't know if I have the guts to leave, but at the same time I just don't know how I can live with her anymore and have these feelings constantly in my head.

I'm not, not have'nt thougt about doing anything silly like ending it (you know what I mean) but it has crossed my mind that it would be a way out.

As I said, I don't expect, nor am asking for sympathy. Just plain old fashioned help becuase I feel like crap every single day of my life and I don't know what the hell to do.

ps - I've tried councilling but that hasn't worked one bit and yes I really was open minded throughout.

tks and here's hopeful.

[Bothered & Bewildered]

Harley

I´m not going to judge your behaviour. You have obviously made a few mistakes along the way, and it seems to me you really are punishing yourself for them.

Because that's exactly what you're doing every time you have these visions of YP and the someone else. You are quite literally sabotaging any chance of a happy life with YP (or anyone else for that matter).

Whether it's your guilt and the feeling that you don't deserve happiness after all, or a subconscious way of testing YP and see how much she´s willing to put up with to be with you, you´re sabotaging your relationship.

You say you work away from home: I would use that opportunity to deeply reflect on the impact all these actions have had not only on your life, but YP´s, your daughter, her children, your respective exes. Reflect on who you are today and who you would like to be in 5 or 10 years time.
What would you change if you could turn back? What can you change now? Are you willing to go the distance? It might give you a different perspective.

Take responsibility for your actions, ask for forvigeness and find a way to forgive yourself.

About your daughter's wedding: You say it will be grim. It doesn't have to be, in fact, it's your obligation as the father of the bride to make sure that NOTHING casts a shadow on your daughter's day. Because that's what it is: it's her day, not yours, not your ex, not YP's. Your daughter's.

If they don't get along, that's OK, go on your own and pamper your little girl and make sure she's happy. That's all. No fuss, no drama.

I hope this helps.

B&B

[cheryl*]

My thoughts ,how can you meet whilst both with someone else & have an affair ,then think you can go onto trust each other ? I wouldnt of thought so ,if youve both found other partners in such a short space of time ,is it real love anyway ? I think that when you split up from someone you need time out to sort your head out , but this is just my opinion of course . Dont mean to sound hard Cheryl

[calmfornow]

Just a thought but why don't you both just live on your own for a while? From your post it just seems that neither of you have actually tried it and would prefer to be with somebody rather than nobody......................

[markus]

Harley

You've ploughed through life in a selfish way and its finally caught up with you - you simply do not deserve to be in a better position
For one moment look back and think about the devastion other people have gone through because of your actions

Circumstances dont make a man .. they reveal him ;)

[helenrw200]

Hate to say it but Markus is right ( and very restrainedly put if I may say so Markus )

This whole thing is a mess, but only you can begin to sort things out, and I think the place to start is with your daughter's wedding. She's your daughter, she didn't ask to be born, and she's getting married. Be there for her, support her and give her a day to remember.

After that I think you should begin by spending some time alone, I don't think either you or your partner need the stress of being together right now, sort yourselves out first.

You say your partner had some "womanly " problems and became moody, sorry but that's a time to offer some support, not run to another woman's bed !

It sounds like you've both danced around the edge of the relationship without ever really being commited to it and that probably has a lot to do with the way in which you first got together, starting a relationship on the back of infidelity is bound to cause trust issues , neither of you were free to get involved with someone else, and you seem to be making a habit of this. That aint gonna bring you happiness my man !

Take the advice offered, take some time out, alone, and really think about whether you can commit to your partner 100 %... and give her time to do the same.

Helen

[poppy]

Harley - sorry but it's very hard to feel too sympathetic with you. When you walked out on your respective families nine years ago you must have both caused terrible devastation to so many lives on the basis that you could both fulfil your own selfish desires.There are loads of people on here who are the victims of such behaviour. You should read some more of the posts, perhaps you might understand what you both did.

Sadly trying to build a new life on the back of such unhappiness and misery of others seldom works in the long term. And I agree with others on here. The best thing both of can do is to stay apart and decide what you both really want. As for you being unable to get visions of what your partner and her lover did together out of your mind, well what can one say. You are only experiencing what you must have both so unthinkingly thrust on others when you broke up your families.

I just cannot find it in myself to be sympathetic at all. Sorry. I hope you somehow manage to work things out. So far you've made a terrible mess of your life. Yes, go to your daugther's wedding. You should be glad she wants you there. Don't disappoint her yet again.

Poppy

[calmfornow]

Here here, what goes around comes around..............................

[Anne22]

Hi

For what its worth - I am sorry but I also agree - you must channel your energy into your daughter - she needs her dad there in body and soul!

Think hard, make a plan and try not to make any more mistakes!!

Time on your own is the key!!

Anne22

[markus]

Harley isn't here because he feels guilty for any pain he's caused to anyone else .... its because for once he's getting a dose of his own medicine .. and he doesn't like it

Sympathy ...... dont think so !

I'd like to have seen your face when you found out your wife got laid by a co-worker :cool:

ooh what wrong Harley .. getting hurt not in the script ?