Wishhewouldcomehome!! [Archive] - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

r_brindley

26th April 2001, 06:39 AM

Hi again lonely,

I wish you all the luck in the world.

I wish I could tell you that my husband did come around but I think I just stuffed up majorly.

He told me on the weekend that he was coming around to get his things, i waited at home all day Saturday and he didn't show up. So I called him and he said he was "too tired" and would come on Sunday.

So sunday came and went and still no sign of him... I did not call and today is Wednesday and I happened to see him this afternoon. He said we needed to talk to sort out who gets what etc...

I felt uncomfortable talking in front of friends so I told him to come around by himself tonight and he said he would be bringing a witness with him.

I told him I did not think we needed a third party but he insisted and turned up with some mutual friends.

They sat in his car and I tried to talk to my husband but he just went about packing up his things as though I did not even exist.

He said he would not be paying me any rent and I asked him how he could just lump me with paying $220.00 a week on my own as I could not get out of the lease.

Anyway he started to get his things and I just lost it... I am not usually a raging person but I mean I totally LOST it.

I started throwing his clothes out of our wardrobe and crying and swearing the whole works...

I just couldn't help it it was hurting so bad...

anyway he said to me that after that display he felt nothing for me and told me I was being a complete F***wit which I must admit I probably was.

I asked him what he wanted to do about our wedding photos and he told me to keep them as they mean nothing to him now.

I apologised to him for acting like a shrew and he said he knew I didn't mean it but it doesn't change his mind.

He showed no emotion and no compassion and is now in his mind "out of this marriage"...

I am not sure how to cope and the pain is SOOO BAD.

I feel really awful about the way I reacted.. .I promised myself that I would not react like that but I tried to talk to him and reason with him and he just ignored me.

So sorry to tell you all my troubles but I feel that you understand.

Have you had any luck with your husband??? I hope so.

Did you in the time since you have separated have any full blown screaming matches with him... how soon after he left did he come to get his stuff?

Please reply soon.

Hope all is well

once again thanks for your support, as I said I am doing all the counselling things and seeing friends etc but I am having a really hard time with this.

kind regards

*R*B*

Lonely

29th April 2001, 05:12 AM

R*B*
You bet your bottoms I had a sreaming match with him, actually more like with his voice mail. I told him that I hoped he rotted in Hell and that I even Hated him. You have every right to have these feelings. My husband acted exactly the same way yours did. He showed absolutly no care or hurt at all and that just kills you even more. Remember, he had a friend there, so he is putting on an image for that friend. I truly believe that deep down inside he is hurting. It may take time for it to really hit him but it will. But maybe by the time it does it may be too late and he will be the one crawling back to you. Trust me I know that it hurts worse than anything in the world because it seems like there is nothing that you can do about it. Please just try to be strong. Take this time to improve yourself in whatever way you think you need to. Treat yourself to something special. I know that you are angry with him leaving you with finacial responsibilities. My husband left me with a mortage that we havn't even paid on for a year. Anytime he said that he was coming to get his stuff I would make it a point to not be there. My counselour said that that way he can take the time to look around, look at pictures, etc. Let the good memories come back to him. With you there he wont do that. So I made it a point to pull out some pics and set them out. Just to give him a little push. http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/ubb/smile.gif Just remember, whatever way this turns out, you WILL become a better and stronger person. Repeat that to yourself. That is what I do. And do lots of praying...if you are a religous person. Please keep in touch and take care or yourself, that is the most important thing.
Lonely

r_brindley

29th April 2001, 09:02 AM

Hi again,

Thanks for the advice,

He is coming around this afternoon and I am going to be here but will not be throwing all his stuff around like last time.

I also won't be begging him to come back - I think as you said that he is feeling it a bit but is definately putting on the brave face... Yeh I might do the whole photo thing too...

He is being fairly removed about things kind of acting like he doesn't care and that it's over and it's no big deal... that is just about killing me.

I have been surrounding myself with friends and this does help.

I will let u know the outcome of tonite... how did your chat with your husband go - any breakthroughs?

My counsellor was saying that he has no responsibilities where he is at the moment so he may not come back home due to home = responsibilities and that is what he is trying to avoid...

But hopefully where he is staying they will ask him to move on soon and he may do some soul searching and realise we didn't have such a bad thing going after all... I can only hope.

I am not deeply religious but believe me I have prayed non stop for the last month and I am feeling my faith wane a bit - it just seems so unfair.

I will keep smiling my friend and hope that u can do the same.

talk to u soon.

*R*B*

lplayer

30th April 2001, 06:02 AM

Hi, you two. I visit these forums regularly. Noticed how you're supporting each other. I've been praying for you both and your husbands. Hope that's ok with you, cos I believe God can and wants to help. I don't know you, so it's all I can do to help.

r_brindley

30th April 2001, 07:08 AM

thanks iplayer,

that is very sweet of you, as I was saying in my last reply to lonely, I have been praying every night for a little over 4 weeks now, I have never been deeply religious however I do believe in a higher power.... however sad to say that i am starting to feel that after 4 weeks of praying for my husbands return that no-one is listening.... I am not a bad or evil person so I have been questioning why this has had to happen to me... I know that everyone says "God only gives you that which you can carry" and "things happen for a reason" but at the moment I just feel that these are worn cliches.

Your prayers for me are greatly appreciated... I the heavens listen now more voices are praying for the same thing...

Thanks again.

Regards *R*B*

lplayer

30th April 2001, 05:29 PM

You're right cliches are no help, when you're really hurting, but what you believe is, because that gives you something solid to hold on to, when life is uncertain.

The "higher power" that I believe in is a person who made us, who wants what's best for us and is very powerful. But he also gave us free will, we're not just pawns on some cosmic chess board. He won't just wave a magic wand, send your husband home and put everything right just like that. What I believe he will do is to be there to give you help, if you ask him, to cope with the pain, to grow through your counselling and to respond in helpful ways to your husband when he gets in touch. He can also be at work in your husband's heart, reminding him of all that is and can be good between you.

I see this God as a friend and a loving father, who has promised to be there for me when I need him and he's done that for me, time and again, even when someone I loved dearly chose to go off with someone else.

Right now I suspect you're thinking " If only my husband would come back, we could sort things out." But there are lots of other things you could ask God for - to help you both to change, so that when your husband comes back you'll have something good to build together. You can ask for the grace to forgive your husband and to know how to respond to him when he gets in touch. You can ask to be shown what went wrong and how to avoid it in the future. You can ask him to comfort you and help you to cope with the uncertainty.
Don't give up hope.

r_brindley

1st May 2001, 07:15 AM

Hello again Iplayer,

Thanks for the advice, although I am not deeply religious it made sense and believe me I have been praying for all the things you mentioned.

Just hope that God is listening and answers my prayers soon.

Once again thankyou for praying for me.

*R*B*

[This message has been edited by r_brindley (edited 01 May 2001).]

r_brindley

1st May 2001, 07:29 AM

Hi Lonely,

How are things going, have you heard from your husband.. any breakthroughs?

did he end up coming around to talk to you that time?

My husband has not come home yet and did not come around to get the rest of his things... HOWEVER... he has called and apologised for not coming around and he has sounded civil and the last time I think I even detected a touch of remorse in his voice.

He has cancelled out on coming to get the rest of his things 3 times now and I am trying to see this in a positive light. I hope and pray tht he will come home... that is all I can do is hope.

I have not been stalking him I have left him alone and I am hoping that the wheels are finally turning and he is starting to see what he is missing.

He is meant to be coming around again this Saturday to get the rest of his stuff but as he has cancelled out 3 times I am hoping he will have changed his mind and decided to come home instead... I know I have changed a lot for the better since he has left and feel that if he would only give me the chance and be willing to try we could work things out.

How are things with you.. been thinking of you and hoping that all is well.

Keep in touch, and keep smiling.

Warm regards

*R*B*

Lonely

2nd May 2001, 01:11 AM

Hi there R*B*
Sorry that I havn't written. I have been busy with work. My husband and I did get together last week and talked about a lot of things. Not a lot got accomplished but I can't expect too much the first time. I havn't spoken to him since. He has agreed to come with me this Friday to my session. So that is a step. We will see what happens then or if he even shows up.
My husband did the same thing. All of a sudden one day he starting speaking to me more civilized and even sounded like he was about to cry. Things just slowly got better since. But I can't get my hopes up too soon. Just slowly taking one step at a time. That is all that we can do. At least we can't say that we havn't done everything possible to make things work right? sounds to me like your hubby may be coming around a bit. I will pray for you some more. But remember not to get your hopes up. Stay strong. We don't want to rush this. If we want things to change permanently we have to go slow. Best wishes.
Lonely

r_brindley

2nd May 2001, 05:15 AM

Originally posted by Lonely:
Hi there R*B*
Sorry that I havn't written. I have been busy with work. My husband and I did get together last week and talked about a lot of things. Not a lot got accomplished but I can't expect too much the first time. I havn't spoken to him since. He has agreed to come with me this Friday to my session. So that is a step. We will see what happens then or if he even shows up.
My husband did the same thing. All of a sudden one day he starting speaking to me more civilized and even sounded like he was about to cry. Things just slowly got better since. But I can't get my hopes up too soon. Just slowly taking one step at a time. That is all that we can do. At least we can't say that we havn't done everything possible to make things work right? sounds to me like your hubby may be coming around a bit. I will pray for you some more. But remember not to get your hopes up. Stay strong. We don't want to rush this. If we want things to change permanently we have to go slow. Best wishes.
Lonely

r_brindley

2nd May 2001, 05:19 AM

Hi there again Lonely,

I am glad to hear that you are making some progress... slowly is definately the key word.

I am hoping that I too will soon make this progress but I am not contacting him or rushing things, I hope and pray that your husband does go to your session with you.. that is a big step forward.

Keep in touch and let me know how it all turns out, best of wishes your will be in my prayers too.

Warm regards

*R*B*

r_brindley

3rd May 2001, 12:34 PM

Hi there lonely,

A good friend just sent me this poem and it touched me deeply, as it is so relevant to my life right now, so I thought I would share it with you... I do not know who the author is.

Maybe God wanted us to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one,

so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe when the door of hapiness closes, another opens,

But often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one that has been opened for us.

Maybe the best kind of friend is the kind that you can sit on a porch and swing with,

never say a word and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

Maybe it is true we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back.

Don't expect love in return, just wait for it to grow in thier heart; but if it does not grow, be content that it grew in yours.

It only takes a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone...

But it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone that makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

Find the one that makes your heart smile.

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real.

Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you only have one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

May you have enough hapiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.

Always put yourself in others shoes. If you feel that it hurts you it probably hurts the other person too.

The happiest of people don't neccessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes thier way.

Hapiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of those who have touched thier lives.

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.

The brightest future will always be based on the forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die everyone around you is crying.

Have a good day,

A great week,

A successful year,

A wonderful lifetime....

And most of all treasure a friendship.

I hope you appreciated this as much as I did

Warm regards and prayers always

*R*B*

Lonely

8th May 2001, 08:54 AM

Hi there R*B*
Sorry about taking so long to write back. I tried a couple of times too and I kept getting booted off before I could finish. Thank you for the beautiful poem. That was very sweet of you to share it with me. So how are things with you? Any Change? Myhusband did show up to my session last week. I think she really brought some things to his attention that he didn't want to hear but was willing to listen and take it all in. Plus I went out this weekend with some girls from work and he was there too. I never talked to him and never made eye contact with him but I walked right be him and saw him in the corner of my eye. I don't know if he is going to see my counsellor on his own. She offered it to him and then every three to four weeks we would do one together. She left it up to him. You obviously can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. So we will see what will happen. This week I will be busy so that will hopefully kept my mind from wandering off. Well I need to get some work done so let me know how things are with you. I have been worried about you since we havn't written in a while.
You're still in my prayers,
Lonely

r_brindley

9th May 2001, 12:01 PM

Hi there lonely,

I am so glad to hear that your husband has gone to one counselling session. Perhaps hearing his issues from a third unemotionally attatched party will make them more real to him. This could be a good sign especially if he takes up the offer of an individual counselling session.

As for me well I am doing OK.. not great but just OK. I'll update you on the latest with my seperation...

On Saturday just gone my husband came around with no warning to get the rest of his things - however he brought 5 of his mates with him.

I felt so humiliated and ashamed and I asked him to come into our bedroom and talk to me alone for 5 minutes. he did so unwillingly and I said to him... "do you really want a divorce?" and he said to me "i've told you YES i want a divorce", I handed him some of our photos and I told him they were memories of the good times. He just rolled his eyes.

He was so cold and so distant and I followed him into our loungeroom where in front of his friends he started to pack up some of his other things.. I said to him that I could not understand how he could just throw away 7 years and 8mths with me ... and what he said next wounded me more than anything else in the world...

he said "after the 7 years of crap you put me through I just can't do it anymore" It was just such a hurtful and irrational thing for him to say and because he said it in front of all his mates I felt so humiliated and I walked out of the house in tears and up the driveway and when I came back he had gone, but he had left a lot of his things still in the garage and the key he has was nowhere in sight.

I was a mess on Sunday and did not call him but on Monday I did and I really shouldn't have as i was angry.

I rang him at 8.30 in the morning and I said to him "when are you coming to get the rest of this stuff and give the key back" he told me he would come when I was not home and I said I didn't want him to do that as he was not paying rent and I did not want people wandering through my house with him when I was not there.

He then swore at me and told me not to ring at this "early hour" and hung up on me.

That really angered me and I rang back and told him that if he did not come around and get his things by 11:30 that day I would be taking them to the dump!! and I hung up on him.

I felt really bad after I had done this but he was just hurting me so much and I felt like he didn't even care.

Well I came home from work the next day and recieved some bad news about a mutual friend and I called my husband and told him the news and I apologised for what I had said to him but I said that what he had said about me putting him through the 7 years of crap had really hurt me as I felt as if our time together meant nothing to him.

I told him that I felt really humiliated in front of all his friends and I also said to him that I did not want this to be nasty that I am just having a very hard time dealing with this as I don't wat it to be this way. I told him I was only ringing him to tell him about our friend and organise a time for him to come and get the rest of his things and give the key back.

I told him that when he just showed up without warning this did not give me time to emotionally prepare myself. He seemed to listen to what I said but made no real apology for anything... BUT i think it did sink in. As he said he understood and would call me with a time and stick to it. We ended the conversation with polite goodbyes.

I am hurting really badly and I have spoken to my counsellor who says that his tactic now may be to make me hate him in order to make it easier for him to deal with his emotions and to justify his behaviour by evoking anger in me.

She says not to hold out hope but that he may have to experience time alone for a few more months to realise what he is giving up, and only when he has to stand on his own two feet away from the comfort of living with friends may reality set in for him.

So that is the story so far. I probably won't be able to write too much after the 20th as I am going to stay with my dad for a week - I am just exhausted and need to get away.

I hope and pray that things work out for you and your husband - please let me know how you are going. You are still in my prayers, although it seems as though my prayers are not being heard.

Warm regards and prayers always *R*B*

[This message has been edited by r_brindley (edited 09 May 2001).]

Lonely

14th May 2001, 05:11 AM

RB
Hi there. Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I have been very busy this week with work. So has your husband come by again for his things? If he hasn't I suggest, and this is only a suggestion, that when he does, don't pull him off into another room and try to talk to him. Exspecially when he has friends with him. Just sit there calmly and go about your things. Maybe even pretend that he isn't even there. But don't give him the cold shoulder. If he speaks to you, try to talk to him like he is just another person. You totally lived up to what he is probably telling his friends right in front of them. Do you understand what I am saying. When I see my husband I just act like he is just a stranger on the street that I happen to know by name. Say Hi and then go about my way. You don't want to act like a bitch to him, that will just push him away. I do agree with you though about wanting your key back. If he isn't paying rent and you don't feel comfortable with him coming in there while you are gone, then do ask for it back, NICELY. I havn't talked to my husband really. I don't know if he is see my counsellor or not. She is going to be gone for about a week too and it just happens to be during the week that our 4 year anniversary is. That is when I will need to talk with her the most. It is coming up in the beginning of June. What a depressing day that will be. I still sit and wander what he doing all the time. This whole waiting thing is driving me insane. I feel my emotions slowly going down further and further. I just wish that I could see the future and what it brings me. I am tired of being alone. I wish that he still loved me the way that he use to. I think about all the times that we went to the Zoo in the city just to walk around for the day and spend time with each other. I miss the way he would make me laugh. I always had a good time with him no matter what it was we were doing. He may not know that, but I did. I wish that I could turn back time and make things different. I would tell him that I loved him more than I did. But just because I didn't say it doesn't mean that I loved him any less. I have a very hard time expressing my feelings and emotions, exspecially to people that I know. I am always afriad of being judged. I have to stop that. It is screwing up my life. I hope this emptiness goes away. My heart feels so cold, my home is cold, my bed is cold and I wish he was still here to warm it all up again. It is weird how when things feel empty they just give you shivers up your spine. Best of wishes. Lonely

r_brindley

14th May 2001, 08:32 AM

Hi Lonely,

I really appreciate your advice, and believe it or not I did take it but it seems to have made no difference.

It has been 39 days now and my husband did come to get the rest of his things and give the key back on Saturday and I just went about my business, I did not ignore him or be rude but I just went about washing up and carrying on with my usual things.

He ignored me and I am sad to say that it looks as though it is all over. He again brought friends with him and stated to me in front of them that we would "just go our seperate ways" that hurt me like i cannot even find the words to describe.

He has given back the key and the house is just as you described yours is.. empty and cold.

I am feeling all the same emotions you described in your post. I remember all the good times we had and wonder what he is doing every moment. although I am going out with friends to diferent social events I am so lonely even when I am surrounded by people. I just miss him so much.

My counsellor has referred me to a doctor as I am very depressed and stressed out. My dad is really angry at my husband for just walking away and this is not helping me as I don't want everyone to be horrible to him as this will strengthen his resolve not to come back.

I am trying to accept this and move on but it is so very hard. I am just so lonely and cannot understand why this has happened - why did he just "fall out of love?" and why is he not even willing to try to save our marriage after all the good times - no the GREAT times we shared.

I wish I could be a little more comforting to you seeing as though you are going through the same emotions and you have your anniversary coming up and all but as you are probably aware - nothing anyone says right now takes the pain away.

All I can say is hang in there and keep in touch. I am still thinking of you and praying for you.

Warm thoughts and prayers always

*R*B*

Lonely

15th May 2001, 06:19 AM

I am very sorry to hear about your husband. Your right, no matter what I say to you it won't take the pain away. Do you know if he has actually gone and filed for divorce or not? If he hasn't you may still have time. but that doesn't mean to start stalking him. He made still need some space. Gosh, I really don't know what to tell you, except that I am sorry. I will still pray for you and hope that what ever happens you will be end up the happiest out of the two of you. This is really tough and I don't wish it upon anyone.
I understand what you are saying when it comes to your family. Mine is the same way. They are very upset at him, esspecially my mother. She doesn't like to see her baby girl hurting. It is natural instinct for parents to protect their children. I always feel like I am defending my husband since alll this started. But my husband sees it has that I will do and think whatever my mother says. Which isn't true. I finally had to just tell her to back off and stop saying things about him. That I have to deal with this on my own and I don't need to hear things like that anymore. That was really hard for me, since my mother and I are very close and I tell her ALMOST everything. It is hard enough having to deal with this separation, I don't need to deal with my mother also. My dad doesn't really say anything about it. He was really upset at first and said that my husband was never aloud to step foot into their house again. But he said that he was just upset and in shock and that was the first thing he blurted out. You can say a lot of things when you are upset that you don't mean.
Well I wish you the best of luck and please keep in touch. Please remember to take care of yourself....that is the MOST importand thing right now. Like I said a while back. He may still realize what he has lost and how idiotic he was, but it maybe too late. Then he is the one that will have to deal with the pain, and maybe forever. You are a special person no matter what he tells you. Even I can see that, and I hardly know you. So if he can't see that, I would say that he has some problems of his own that he needs to deal with right now.
God Bless
Lonely

r_brindley

16th May 2001, 07:54 AM

Hi Lonely,

Thank you so much for your support it really means a lot to me.

My husband came around last night and got 3 more boxes of his things - the last three. he came by himself (suprisingly) but he came to the door and said "where are these boxes" - no Hello no greeting of any kind.

I remained calm and told him where the boxes where and he just went about putting them in his car.

He told me that he was on holidays and would be going away. I asked him what he wanted to do about filing for legal seperation (where in live in NSW Australia if you have been married under 2yrs you have to go through compulsory counselling before you are granted a divorce by the courts)

He stated he did not believe that we had to go through the counselling - I just told him that I was not trying to trick him into going merely stating a fact.. he states that he thinks that he just has to be seperated for 12mths and he can apply for a divorce - he has not even seen a solicitor - he states he has been talking to his sister who has been through a divorce before - mind you she was married a lot longer and lives in a different state where the laws are different.

When he stated this to me I just shrugged my shoulders and said "whatever you want to do" But I realised that he has not given his actions much thought in how serious divorce is and what it involves - he is treating it like a joke and that hurts.

He said that he had to get back "home" as his dinner would be getting cold. I told him I was sorry that I was such an inconvenience to him. I probable shouldn't have said that but that is how he is making me feel that i am just an inconvenience and the sooner he is rid of me the better. He said "did I say that?" and i said "you don't have to your actions speak loud enough" and with that he said goodbye and left.

AND NOW.... I am hearing stories that he has been going out partying at nightclubs with his single mates until 6am and going to parties etc.. which is so unlike him - he hates that whole scene... well at least he used to. It seems to me like he is looking for someone else... HOW DO I DEAL WITH THAT?... he is still a married man, YES he is seperated but I am his WIFE, he made a committment to me only 8mths ago, HE HAS EVEN BEEN AROUND TO SEE A FRIEND OF MINE WHO IS SINGLE...she told him where to go of course but that is not the point this is all so out of character for him and it just hurst so much... it's like he has forgotten I exist or ever did exist to him... I can't let this go it is driving me insane.

I am just hurting so much as he is acting like I don't even exist to him - like I never did exist to him. But I have not begged him anymore and I now have no reason to call him.

What more can I do?

I am still praying for his return but I don't think my prayers will be answered and it just hurts tht he is not feeling any remorse or anything for what he has done.

You are still in my prayers... keep in touch.

R.B

[This message has been edited by r_brindley (edited 17 May 2001).]

Lonely

17th May 2001, 09:47 AM

I am very sorry to hear about the way your husband is acting. I truely think that it really hasn't hit him yet how serious this is. But it will. I believe that he doesn't really know what he wants right now. The reason I say that is because if he did then he would have taken the legal steps. He is being very childish by saying he doesn't have to do this or that. But i am sorry, if it the law where you live, then he can't do anything about it. This is just his way of dragging it out so it will buy him some time to do whatever. If I was you, this is what I would do. Don't do anything permanent like you go and filing for legal separation. i would just start living my life for me and only me. Actually that is what I AM doing right now. Yes I do still think about him ALL the time. but I really have to sit and focus on what I want to do with my life. Before I was always so worried about making my husband happy. I was even afraid to buy myself things that I wanted because I thought he would get mad at me cuz then soemthing would come up and we woudl have to say no cuz we didn't have the money. Now I am focusing on me. Focusing on my job, friends, and family. Spending time doing things that make me feel good about myself. You need to find those things for yourself. Make no contact with your husband. He will see that you don't NEED him in your life, but you do WANT him to be in your life. Because you do love him, if you didn't you would never had married him, and you wouldn't be so hurt right now. He needs some time to really think about things clearly.If he is with friends all the time, it just may take longer for it to really hit him. Remember what I said, you don't NEED him to be happy, But you do WANT him to be in your life and that would just make you happier. Best wishes. Lonely

r_brindley

17th May 2001, 12:46 PM

Hi again,

Thanks for the prompt response.. I am in crisis mode a bit so it really helped. I am trying to deal with this and have been doing things for me like going out with friends and all the usual stuff... My husband and I were never co-dependant so I am kind of carrying on my usual life to some extent anyway. I have treated myself to a new haircut and I am doing things for me... BUT..

As I explained in my last post he is going out partying and I think he is really on the prowl for someone else...which is SO UNLIKE HIM, neither of us have ever been unfaithful.

I am trying to show him I don't need him but I feel like such a sham because I miss him so much and I just feel that he WANTS me to move on and act like I don't need him so it will justify his own uncaring "don't give a rats.. its all over...bye now" type of behaviour.

My biggest issue is that of mutual friends - I have been sort of cut off by our mutual friends - they ring me a lot but i am getting left off the invite list to a lot of things and this hurts... they all say they feel awkward but then they think nothing of calling me at work and telling me of my husbands latest escapades with his single mates.

How are you handling the mutual friends thing?

I know my husband is not seeing anyone else..YET. how about you? - did you ever find out if yours was seeing anyone else? and has your husband been getting into heavy duty single guy party mode since he left?

This is the main thing I am having difficulty with right now - not that he is having fun - but that he seems to be looking for a replacement and acting as though I don't even exist - like i NEVER existed.

My counsellor is also baffled by this and states that maybe he is trying so hard to avoid change and responsibility and growing up that he is in some way trying to recapture his teenage years (but my husband is only 27?!) -if this was in his nature to be a party animal and a womanising yobbo I could look it and say "well i knew that when I married him" but it is so totally OPPOSITE to what my husbands nature is... - not that he didn't experience this time as a teenager - IT'S NOT AS IF HE MISSED OUT- he did all his partying and going out but still nothing like what he is doing NOW... I just don't understand it.

How do I get him from this type of behaviour to want to come back and be with me... prayer isn't working, leaving him alone isn't working... showing him I don't care is what he wants... I just feel like I am at my wits end - if he see's someone else I really think it will break me.

Well as I said i won't be able to write much until after the 20th - I am just pysically and mentally exhausted and I will be gaoing to see my dad.

I really appreciate your advice and I am so hoping that your marriage will work out.

Warm thoughts and prayers always my friend.

R.B

lplayer

17th May 2001, 03:24 PM

Just wanted to say, I'm still praying for you both. RB, I hope the time away with your Dad brings you some rest and peace, and a complete change. Bets wishes.

Lonely

19th May 2001, 12:44 AM

RB
I would try your hardest not listen to what people are telling you about what he is doing at night. Just tell your friends when they start to tell you these things, and say it kindly that you would rather not hear about it. All that it does is upset you even more, so you would appreciate not to talk about things like that. The reason I say that is because it does hurt you even more and you don't need anymore hurt right now, you already have more than what you can deal with. Also you never know what is true and what is rumor. I know that you want to trust your friends but it always seems to be "he said, she said". Do you understand what I am saying? I hope so. I think that it is a real good idea that you get away for a while. Just try not to dwell on your husband while you are away. This is for you, not him. God Bless.
Lonely

Lonely

20th May 2001, 02:09 PM

Someone please help me. I just saw my husband walking out of a grocery store at 1:30 in the morning with the girl that he says has just become good friends with since we have separated. He has never been the one to cheat....but this is just to convient. Also one of the reasons he says he isn't happy is because I didn't give him enough affection. For someone who needs affection all the time, but hasn't been with anyone for the past 9 weeks, he sure does seem to be spending a lot of time with her. What do I do? Do I have the right to know the truth? I would say that I do, I am his wife still. Plus it just HURTS LIKE HELL. But I would rather know, than be played for a fool. I know he won't just come out and tell me that he has been with someone else so how do I get it out of him?
Lonely

r_brindley

21st May 2001, 05:30 AM

Oh lonely sweetie I am so sorry to hear this,

yes you do have the right to know the truth - but you can't really make him tell you.

Maybe can you talk to one of his friends? do you know who this girl is - could you talk to her (if you are anything like me though this would not be an option) or and this is a VERY extreme measure - hire a private investigator... as I said this is very extreme - I had a friend who did this because she suspected her husband was cheating - he was but you must prepare yourself for the truth no matter how painful that is. I wish I could tell you how to do that. It seems both of our husbands may already be on the prowl, and sweetie I know how much this hurts because I am hurting right along with you.

Something that just helped me for the short term was to get away from the area I live in to visit my family - it didn't take the pain away but it did help because I was out of that environment.

Talk to your counsellor and as I said try to talk to one of his friends or if you have a mutual friend who would be honest with you - but be wary of rumours... a lot of the time people can read more into what they see than is really there and by the time you hear it it can be this huge soap opera.

perhaps even get yourself a self help book on dealing with seperation and trying to move on... this is going to be my next move.

the pain is huge i know and i am thinking of you every moment... let me know how you go.

Warm thoughts and prayers always.

R*B*

Lonely

21st May 2001, 09:01 AM

I JUST CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
Lonely

lplayer

21st May 2001, 05:39 PM

What can I say? except that you are a valuable precious human being and that though the agony may seem overwhelming there is life beyond this pain. Your value does not consist only of who you are in relation to your husband. What the other lady said about getting away for a change for a few days was wise - it can give a broader perspective and help in facing the pain.
Thinking of you..

r_brindley

22nd May 2001, 06:11 AM

Hi Lonely,

I am really worried about you, please see a doctor who can help you with all the emotional meltdown stuff i know you are feeling right now.

I have seen a doctor who has told me about the herbal anti-depressant St Johns Wort... ask your doctor about this. It does work and is totally natural. It doesn't take the pain away (it isn't a magic pill) but certainly makes things more manageable.

Also you do need to get away to de-stress I have been back since Sunday and I am feeling suprisingly good. I have not seen or heard from my husband and i think this is helping me to not stress out about who he is seeing and what he is doing... of course I still think about it but I haven't been getting myself into a state of anxiety like I usually do.

I expect that you are hanging out for any info on your husband and really can't get past seeing him with the other woman... talk to your counsellor and doctor about this and then if you can get away from your environment for a while....believe me the change of environment really helps, and you know the state I was in before I left.

I know that I will probably have bad times too in the near future and I know I will react the same way as you (totally devastated) if and when I see my husband with someone else. This is why I am trying to prepare myself with self help and a bit of de-stressing....maybe when the time comes it won't work but in the mean time it is helping.

I really feel for you, have you spoken to your husband or any of his friends re this other woman?

Let me know how you go and if you decide to see a doctor... but most of all REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE SPECIAL... HE IS THE LOSER IN THIS SITUATION NOT YOU.

Try to be brave.

I am thinking of you and praying for you.

Warm regards

*R*B*

Lonely

23rd May 2001, 07:54 AM

I am seeing a doctor. I get get away right now because it takes money to get away and I can't get off work. I am just going nuts. I finally just e-mailed my husband and strought up asked him he had been with anyone else, whether it was sex or even a kiss and he can't even answer the question. He tries to turn back on to me. So what does that tell me? Right now I feel that I am ready to call it quits, but I love the asshole too much. I just don't know what to do.

r_brindley

23rd May 2001, 10:26 AM

Hi there again,

Well I would say that he has a serious case of the guilts if he can't even answer the question. I would say that deep down he knows he has stuffed up and perhaps soon he will realise that the grass is definately not greener on the other side.... but I know this does not help you now as you are frustrated by the lack of information you have on this situation... I would be too.

Is there anyone else close to him tht you trust enough to talk to?

I know what you mean about the money and the time factor of getting away - I had that too but even if it is just getting away to a different suburb for the weekend for a drive with a close girlfriend for the weekend it really does help.

I have a new dilemma now that I am wondering if you can give me some advice on....

I have to move out of where I live on the 16th June as I cannot afford the rent on my own... this means that I will have to move back home with my mum for at least 4 weeks.

My dilemma is that this just makes things so final and I fear that my husband would not even attempt to contact me at my mums... I just don't know what to do I haven't spoken to him and I don't know really what he is thinking or feeling right now, and I don't know if I should contact him or if I do I don't really know what to say... any suggestions. I just don't want to sound like I am begging him to come back but I am so scared of moving as this to me makes it really official - he couldn't come back to live with me even if he wanted to if I go to mums or move in with one of my girlfriends.

I just don't know what to do - I feel as though he stuffed up by leaving and he should have to fix it up by making the first move (i don't even think he wants to though).

I still feel like I am in limbo, even though my emotions have been manageable lately i just don't know how to move forward - I feel like I still have to keep a door of opportunity open to him and I feel that by having to move back to my mums I am shutting all door of opportunity....what do u think?

Sorry to ask for your help when you are in crisis yourslef but all of your advice to me so far has been so wise.

Please don't give up yet I know you are tired but maybe take a step back and talk some more to your counsellor and try to de-stress...also check out some web sites or books on how to handle cheating type behaviour, just do a general search on relationship advice and see what u can find.. in think even this site has some helpful advice on that.

I said remember that you are special and if he is too damn stupid to realise that then he is in the same category as my husband is right now... an idiot. Still I know this is only words but if you keep repeating them you soon cannot fight the truth that lies within them.

Keep your chin up and know that you have my support and prayers always.

R.B

Lonely

25th May 2001, 12:46 AM

Boy, that is a tough question. I guess all I can say is that you have to do what you have to do. If you can't afford to live where you are living then I guess you are going to have to move. Unless he pays his half of the rent. Which he said before that he isn't. Maybe when he does find out that you moved then that will be a shocker to him....then he will know that this is serious and not childhood games. Maybe you don't have to move back in with your mom. Is there a friend that needs a roommate or try to find a cheaper place so you could still have a place of your own. It is hard moving back in with parents after you have been on your own. Trust me, I know. My husband is being a real ***** lately so I am not having any contact with him at all. My emotions are hanging on by a string. i am almost to the point of thinking that I am better off without him. I gotta get back to work. Let me know what happens.
Lonely

r_brindley

28th May 2001, 07:10 AM

Hi again,

Thankyou for the advice. Yes I do have a friend who I can move in with however she cannot afford to move out for another month... so I have to be out on the 16th June and there will be 4 weeks in between where i have no alternative but to go home.. my finances are drained due to having to cope with everyithing on my own.

I am sorry to hear that your husband is being suck a sh**head. I have been getting very mixed messages from mine, let me explain and tell me what you make of this....

I had found out that I cannot get the bond released unless I have my husbands signature as well. So I could not call him as the friends he is staying with got thier phone dis connected. and then a new number. So I called around to see him.

At first he was really hostile towards me when I asked him to sign the form and he said I would need his bank account details too and i said "and why would that be?" and he said that half of the bond was his.. I said "well I figured that seeing as you haven't paid me rent for the past 8wks that you could make it up out of the bond" and he said "yeah that would be right ripping me off" and i told him I was not there to argue and he could have half of the bond if he wanted it.

THEN... and this is the bit I am totally confused about.. he said to our friends that he would go and get fish and chips for dinner and I asked if I could come for a drive too ( I wanted to talk to him away from everyone else) and he said "do you have to?" and i said "no why is it a problem?" and he said "Well only if you are going to start on me" and I told him I was way beyond that and he said then that I could come.

Whilst we were driving I asked him why he was so hostile towards me. He said he wasn't being hostile and I said to him that this doesn't have to be nasty especially after all our shared history together.

I told him that I realised he had made up his mind but that I still felt we could work it out if we really tried I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said he wasn't and that he wasn't interested i told him i was not seeing anyone either and that my heart still belonged to him.

I asked him if he still wanted a divorce and he said yes, that he was happy with the way he was living. I told him that it hurt me to hear that as he could be living his life as he was now and still be with me.

I told him that things would be different if he came back and he sat and said nothing. I said "you don't believe me do you?" and he said "no it's not that I don't believe you I just don't think I can do it" and with that I said "Well u know the door is always open - you know how I feel".

Then we started talking about old times - he brought them up and about our wedding day and just talking in general - he made an observation that i had lost a lot of weight ( I was never that much overweight anyway ) and I caught him looking at me out of the corner of his eye many times during the night - which made me think he obviously still likes what he sees - he even sat next to me on the lounge.

Our friends made the observation that i was really relaxed and i think my husband noticed that too.

He knows I have to move back home to my mothers but didn't seem to have an opinion about that.

But now I am so confused he says he still wants a divorce but he was almost flirting with me towards the end of the evening.

What should be my next move? I can't stand this waiting game... I know he keeps saying what he wants but then his actions betray his words. I am almost ready to give up.

What do u think?

Keep smiling and keep in touch.

Warms thoughts and prayers always

R.B

Lonely

29th May 2001, 08:31 AM

RB

Well to me that is very confusing. It still sounds to me like he isn't sure what he wants. He is saying that he still wants a divorce because he has already told you that and he feels that he can't just take it back. I sounds like after spending time with you, some meomories are coming back to him. I think that you acted very good in the situation that you was in. You didn't get upset or mad, you acted normal. He is giving you very mixed signals. I know that you are tired of waiting, but let that night sink into his brain a bit.
As for me things are not going to well. My husband says that he can't go to get help because he can't have something like that on his file with his job. Plus you says that he isn't comfortable with talking about his feelings to a stranger. How do I respond to that. I have changed the locks on my doors because I don't feel comfortable with him coming in the house whenever he pleases. He is like a stranger to me now. I had asked for the key back and he is finding every excuse not to get it back to me. I still have some of his things, and when I get the guts I will pack them up and take them to his fathers. I just don't know what is going to happen. I don't know what I even want to happen anymore.

r_brindley

29th May 2001, 10:03 AM

Hi Lonely,

I am letting it sink into his brain and i am hoping that he is missing me as much as I am him. you are right when you say that he probably feels like he can't take back the fact that he has told me he wants a divorce..
maybe it's a guy thing and he feels he has to have some kind of pride or something I don't know.

Anyways we have a mutual party to go to on the 9th of June and I am kind of freaking out about this as the guest list involves many single women and it will be kind of awkward but I think I will just act normal like last time and see what his reaction is.

I am sorry to hear about your husband saying he cannot go for counselling - why would it be on his record though? is this like a state law where u live or something? because counselling is supposed to be confidential.

It seems to me that the reason that your husband is not comfortable talking to a stranger is the same reason mine isn't - he is afraid that what they say won't be "you have done the right thing by running away" - the way you respond to that is to let him know that it hurts you and that you find it sad that after all the time you spent together he can just throw it away and not even be willing to try... tell him it takes a strong man to face his problems and a weak one to run away...

It is good that you have changed the locks - that was a real control stunt he tried to pull by not giving the key back... he has to realise that he does not OWN you and cannot expect to play these kind of games - it is emotionally abusive to expect to just come and go as he pleases - it stuffs with your mind.

It is wierd how you say that your husband is like a stranger to u now - that is almost how I feel - I don't know what to do from here i am at a bit of a stalemate... I feel that the ball is in his court but he is not running with it he is just standing still with it and this leaves me in limbo - I can't bring myself to even want to move on I would just like the chance to at least TRY to work things out. But he is not even giving me the chance and that hurts so much.

My depression is really hitting me today as I developed a film and it had some of our wedding photos on it... I bawled my eyes out all the way back to work from my lunch hour.

I would say pack your husbands things when u feel emotionally up to it as i found that this was the hardest thing for me to do.

I too am almost ready to give up - I am so tired of waiting and praying and getting no results, and the little acknowledgement he gives me just makes me hang on more and more but i need that - i can't seem to shake it which is weird because as i have said before there was never any co-dependancy in our relationship.

What does your counsellor say should be your next move?

Mine says to give it time and try to get involved with other social activities - which I am doing but this advice does not help me get my husband to come home!!!!!

Keep in touch. i had better get back to work.

R.B

Lonely

30th May 2001, 10:50 AM

Hi RB,

No it isn't a state law where I live that it would go into his record if he went to counselling. That is just an excuse he thought he could get away with. But I did reassure him that his is excuse wasn't true.

But now I have been thinking. If all these rumors are true about him being with another woman, and if a miracle happens and he dicides he wants to work harder at this marriage (and I PRAY for a miracle), would I ever be able to forgive him. Could things still work out? I know I would have a lot of anger and hurt because of it, but would I be able to ever trust him again. Well I even ask myself now if I would ever be able to trust him again. How can a marriage work if your spouse has been unfaithfull? I always said that I would never tolerate cheating. I just don't believe in it. I believe that you love someone, or you say you love someone, how could you do something so devistating to them? He still hasn't answer me when I ask him about this subject. He says that I have to ask him first in order for him to answer it. I have several e-mails saved and printed showing that I have asked him several times. There is even one day I even asked him twice. But still no answer. I have noticed that he has driven by the house everynight for the past three nights. He drives by real slow, but once he sees me in the window he speeds away. He is upset with me because I found out where he is living again. It is like he is wanting to hind from me. I also did a very bad thing this weekend. I went out last Friday night with a girlfriend and she had told me that she talked to one of my husbands co-worker's and asked who my husband was seeing. He just said that he wasn't getting in the middle of it but he knew that she was really cute. My friend said she asked him if he "has ever seen his wife"? Hehe. But anyway, he also told her that he knew that my husband "didn't do anything until after he moved out". Hummm. Well I got pretty upset and starting drinking my drinks rather fast. Before I knew it I was in the bathroom calling him and going off. Saying I wanted my keys back and his S**t out of my house and that I hoped she makes him happy. Then I left and but my car key that I have for the car he is driving in it. That is how he found out I knew where he lives. I appologized the next day and told him I had been drinking a lot and a lot of anger just let loose. I know that it isn't an excuse, I should have controled myself better. I should have never drank that much in the first place. Now all he says to me is "am I suppose to forgive you just like that everytime you say something mean". I then asked him if I was to just forgive him for leaving me with now discussion, showing no care in the world what happens to me or this marriage. He hasn't yet responded so I will let you know how it goes. But like I said, ever since that e-mail he has been driving be the house. I just can't play these games anymore. I AM TIRED!!!!! Well I better get going. I am not sure if I will be able to write much. I am watching my bosses lizard and a friend of mine cat and dog so I will be busy taking care of them for a while. But hey it is extra money that I NEED. I will do the best that I can responding and best wishes on your party on the 9th. Just remember, you are there to have a good time. Don't let him see that you are hurting and if I was you I wouldn't even MAKE an effort to talk to him, don't give him the cold shoulder, but don't make it look like you are looking for him the moment you walk in the door. Oh and just make sure that you look D@M# GOOD! That will really kick him in the butt. hehe. I am praying for ya.
Lonely

r_brindley

30th May 2001, 11:47 AM

Hi Lonely,

Far out how the heck do we both get out of this mess we are in? I just don't have anymore strength or resources left to try to get him back.... I am going crazy.

Like you I am tired of trying and getting no result.

Your husband is being a complete ***** by driving around - what the hell is the story with that? is he spying on you or just trying to get attention so he can then ignore you again. Just ignore his pathetic games - you are much better than that - so resist playing them.

It sounds like he has been seeing someone else hey? well then you need to still continue with your counselling and realise that you are special and worth so much more than a cheating man can offer if you feel you could not get past this - I know that is easy for me to say but I think that would be the final straw for me too and I think you had every right to react with anger and hurt and abuse - he has no right to make you feel guilty for reacting that way HE HAS HURT YOU DEEPLY!!!! - and if he was any kind of a man he wouldn't do this or play the psychotic stalking games he is playing - it's like he doesn't want you but still wants you to want him - how demented.

DON'T FEEL GUILTY FOR REACTING WITH ANGER - ANGER IS A HEALTHY EMOTION IF EXPRESSED CONSTRUCTIVELY AND WITHOUT VIOLENCE.

I too have friends who I think are witholding information from me about what my husband is up too. and it also hurts that I have friends who he has the hide to talk to as if nothing is happening and they just let him think that they are ok with what he has done by not telling him how they really feel.

I believe that both of our marriages still have a narrow chance but they will need A HUGE amount of counselling to get over the hurt and grief we have been through. A marraige can survive cheating - but it needs a lot more intense work so my counsellor tells me.

I am just sick of the empty house the empty bed the empty heart and the tears I cry every day - I just cannot shake this despair.

I have a wedding and honeymoon album full of professional photo's that are meant to be happy memories - but I have to go home and pack these tonight and I feel that once they are packed they may never get unpacked again... They say things happen for a reason - well I would like to know what the sick reason is for both of our suffering.

I just want him to come home and at least give our marriage the chance it deserves.

Bye for now - I am still praying for both of us.

God Bless

R.B

Lonely

1st June 2001, 09:27 AM

Well I got my keys back. He dropped them off last night while he was working the night shift. Plus I hear more stuff about him. Ya know, I throw my hands up of all of this. I am through, I can't deal with these games he is playing with me and trying to make me be the bad person. I give up. I don't I want to be with a person who is going to treat me this way anyway. Why should I degrade myself?

r_brindley

4th June 2001, 05:47 AM

Hi Lonely,

I too am almost given up.. I saw my husband on Friday just gone.

I was over where he is staying dying his friends wifes hair for her (my husband was at work... i get fridays off). I took my watch off to do this and was not watching the time when I heard my husbands car.

He came up the driveway and just said a really cold "hi" and went about polishing his car in the garage.

I went out to talk to him as I had to tell him that I had a friends new phone number and address and let him know what the status of our sick friends health is.

I also told him that I had run into an old friend of ours down at the gas station late and night and she asked why we had briken up, I said to him "I wish I knew the answer to that - can you tell me what I should be telling people when they ask?" he told me that he just doesn't feel the same anymore and he isn't EVER coming back that he doesn't WANT to come back.

This hurt me and I told him that only 9 months ago he had made a committment to stand by me through thick and thin for the rest of our lives I asked him what changed for him so drastically in 9 months - he said he just doesn't feel the same anymore.

I cried and told him that I still thought we had a chance to work it out - he again said he didn't want to. i told him that if he didn't face his fears he would carry them into the next relationship... he said "yeah well that's my problem isn't it" he told me I would move on... I told him he had no right to tell me how to feel that he doesn't even have any grief over this. He said he does miss me but "not in that way".. I could not listen to anymore I thought I was going to collapse.. He did say he isn't seeing anyone else BUT then a mutual friend tells me he saw my husband in the next suburb with some strange woman in the car that by all descriptions is no-one I know!!!!!

This is just hurting me so badly I want to let go and I am trying but i just can't I love him so much.

He told another male mutual friend that he does miss our intimate relationship - the sex!!

So I am thinking that if he isn't already seeing someone else he soon will be if only for sex.

What can I do I have tried everything - I have left him alone I have begged I have acted indiferent I have acted friendly.. I have prayed.

I do still want him back but I have lost all hope I can't get past this and I don't think I will handle it if he does see someone else... I want to move on but still cant let him go.... I am so angry confused and hurt.

How I am going to cope if he does see someone else I don't know.. It will be so in my face as we still both live in the same area.

Oh lonely it's really all over and i can't take it!!!!

R.B

Lonely

12th June 2001, 06:11 AM

Well it has been 4 months now and he still hasn't shown me any signs that he even cares or wants to try working things out. Our 4 year anniversary was last week and he didn't even accknowledge it. Nothing! That really hurts. Should I even wait anylonger? Am I waisting my time and heart ache? What should I do?

r_brindley

12th June 2001, 06:23 AM

Hi there lonely,

I know what you mean about not even being acknowledged. I feel the same. what does it say about the men we married that they can be such heartless P#@!%s. I don't know what to tell you only don't jump into another relationship too soon take time out... to do what I am not sure.

I am Just writing to say that I am giving up.

I am broken - like a glass that has been dropped on tiles I feel like i am in a million peices and cannot put myself back together again.

The mutual party on the 9th was awful - I felt like I was saying goodbye to that part of my life - like I knew that I would never again be at another social gathering with these mutual friends. My husband ignored me and made it very obvious he was uncomforatble with me being there - so much so that in the end I left. I went out looking damn good and he did at least take a second glance but he told another mutual friend that he does not want to come back and he doesn't want to try to work it out because he doesn't feel the same about me and "it just wouldn't work out".

I cannot do any more - I have to move back to my mothers this week for a little while as he has broken me financially.

People are telling me that "things happen for a reason" and maybe "it just wasn't meant to be" - those words are just that words - nothing takes away the world of pain, you can make a choice to try to move on and to try to heal but sometimes nop matter how hard you try to avoid the pain it runs you down like a freight train.

I just cannot fight for this anymore I am tired and drained and the sorrow is too much - the man I committed to for the rest of my life - the only lover I have known for the past 7 years doesn't want me and has left me without a second thought and for no good reason....

With all the changing seasons of my life - maybe I'll get it right next time.

Best of luck - I wish you only happiness, thank you for your support through the hard times I will never forget you.

luv

R.B.

[This message has been edited by r_brindley (edited 12 June 2001).]

Lonely

14th June 2001, 09:57 AM

It's over. I am not playing his childish games anymore. He has hurt me too much that I cannot forgive or forget. I wish that I wasn't saying this but I can't take it anymore. No I am not going to jump into another relationship. Starting all this crap over is not something that I am looking for right now. I wish I could say the same for him cuz he started another realtionship a long time ago. This is just stupid, and all of it could have been avoided if he would have just been a MAN about it. I still wonder what is is doing every waking moment and I just picture him with her..... How can I stop that? How can I stop caring about him? Does anyone have ANY suggestions?

r_brindley

14th June 2001, 11:44 AM

Hi there lonely,

I want u to know that u are special and he is just being a low-life creep. I know that this doesn't make u hurt any less or take the deep heartache away... my suggestion is continue with counselling and I don't know what else to tell u because I am at exactly the same point - I wish that someone could tell us both HOW to get beyond this... HOW to stop thinking about our husbands every waking moment - HOW to control the tears that just come without warning anytime and anywhere.

I sat at home with friends last night playing a board game and I looked around my house ( as u know I have to move tommorrow) and I thought to myself - this is the last time I will be sitting here in this house that we used to share together and i felt like an idiot but I started to cry because I feel like I am losing a part of my life - it is over - finished and I am not happy about it.. but what can I do?? I am so defeated.

If you get that advice you asked for on what to do now please tell me because I am lost myself and I am sorry I can not be more supportive of u whlist u are going through the same stage as me but I just don't know what to do and I know nothing I say can make u feel better - only I want you to know that I am here as a sounding board for you if you ever need me just post a message and I will be there.

I am so sorry to hear that he has been seeing someone else for a long time - you must feel so deceived. talk to your counsellor at length about how this makes you feel - bottling it up is no good.

Let me know how you are getting on. you are still in my prayers.

Warm wishes always

R.B

r_brindley

14th June 2001, 12:55 PM

Hi Lonely it's me again,

I think I may be on to something.... I just did a web search on letting go and I found this really good site and it's article made a lot of sense... check it out - the address is:-
www.effectiveliving.com/letgo.htm (http://www.effectiveliving.com/letgo.htm)

tell me what you think - it may work or it may not but I reckon the principles are at least worth a try.

warm regards

R.B.

Kate

14th June 2001, 09:15 PM

There is a section on the site about "when it's all over" (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/whenover/). You might be interested in the UniqueYou (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/php-bin/jump.php?linkid=104) site.

There isn't a quick way through what you're going through. It's a bereavement process, because you've lost someone you loved and who you thought loved you. Most of the relationship recovery sites recommend keeping in touch with your feelings and acknowledging them. It may be a painful process, but it's less harmful than denying them and trying to push them inside. Your counsellor should be able to help.

Just remember you're special and your value is not based on what your husband thinks of you or how he has treated you.

It has been quite moving reading how you two have supported each other through these tough times - thank you both for doing it through this forum. I'm sure others have been helped.

With very best wishes

Kate

[This message has been edited by Kate (edited 14 June 2001).]

r_brindley

18th June 2001, 07:10 AM

Dear Kate,

Thankyou for your kind words. I have decided to try to move on with my life, it is all I can do as part of the process of trying to heal. I have also purchased a book called "when your lover leaves" although it is not specifically for divorce it has a lot of useful information and advice as per the stages that you go through when a relationship ends.

I am still quite hurt of course and I am told by my counsellor that it will probably take me a long time to heal but I am just taking it one step at a time - it is all I can do. I still hold out hope that my husband might eventually want to try to work things out but I know this is probably a fools hope and i cannot sit around waiting for this to happen.

I moved back home to my mothers on the weekend and this was my darkest hour. I really felt broken and it now feels so final. but I cannot let the depression overwhelm me - i am trying to just do things for me.

Lonely and i have formed a very special bond through our shared experiences and support and I will always keep checking back to this message board as it has really been instrumental in my healing process to be able to converse with someone who is actually going through the same trauma... the added support she has offered me has meant more than words can describe.

I will keep popping into this forum and will recommend it to others as it really has the most useful information of all the sites I have visited (and believe me if you can name a site designed to try to stop or prevent seperation or divorce i have searched it for answers in the past 10 weeks).

Warm wishes always

R.B

Lonely

19th June 2001, 09:33 AM

RB

I am so very sorry that things just are not working out the way that we hoped and prayed. Now is the time to reflect on the things that we both have learned and how they have made us both stronger. We will always have a place in our hearts for these big jerks that we married because we will always love them. If we didn't we wouldn't have made the commitment to them in the first place. My husband is now telling me that one of the biggest reasons he left was because he wanted me to be happy. HUH! I went to his dads house earlier this week to take some of his stuff there and his dad told me that my husband said "I am just leaving her before she leaves me" These coments really confuse me and he doesn't seem to want to elaberate on them. I still think that he is very confused. I wrote him a letter last night and he came by to pick it up. Today during my lunch hour he drove by the house again. It makes me think, but it also makes me get my hopes up that he actually misses me and is thinking about working things out. But I know I need to stop playing these mind games with myself.
Anyway, how is living with your mom? I hope things go well for you and I would definatly want to keep in touch with you and how things are going for you. Please keep in touch.
Lonely

r_brindley

19th June 2001, 01:20 PM

Hi there lonely,

Living with my mum is really hard - not because we are arguing (amazingly we are not as yet) but because I feel so out of control of my own life. I hate having to do this. I just wish my husband wanted to try to work things out I wish that someone could give me some pointers on HOW to get him to at least consider coming back to me, but no-one can.

On the night that I had to move back to my mums I sat and cried for hours in the dark of my old house that I moved from... at that moment I hated my life soo much and it was quite literally the darkest hour I have had yet.

Also I saw my husband last night. I was having a barbeque with mutual friends and he turned up uninvited. He was quite civil to me and we talked about his work and his mother and so on but he did not bring up the subject of us and neither did I - it just seems as though he is acting as if nothing has happened and that he thinks I am ok with what he is doing. What should I do? I really want to write him another letter but I am afraid of how he may react.

One of our mutual friends jokingly said "you look great - I think I might have to take u to dinner now u are single" - he said this in front of my husband (probably to get a rise out of him) but my husband just gave a sort of half smile and nervously laughed - I told the friend that I am NOT single I am seperated and not interested in dating anyone( I know he was only joking but i felt I needed to say that).

I know my husband is not seeing anyone else YET and I still hold out hope whilever he isn't seeing anyone.... but i am just not sure if I am doing the right thing by hoping, some days I feel defeated and other days I still see a glimmr of hope - when is the time to give up trying? - what is the correct thing to do now - just do nothing? I have been doing nothing towards real reconciliation and yes it is helping me heal by not begging him to come back but you know....

I guess I am just going through the "letting go" stage and sometimes reverting back to the "despair" and then the "denial" stages, apparently according to my counsellor this is normal but it just feels so ridiculous I never know how I am going to feel from one day to the next.

Do u think that your husband may be having second thoughts or is he just playing mind games? is he still seeing the other women... if he is my advice is give him a miss as he is not showing that he is committed to a reconciliation if he is continuing to see someone else.

Have u any idea why he would say that he thought u would leave him? that is a very bizarre thing to say - have u ever threatened it? it is very confusing and seems as though he may be a bit mixed up about his decision huimself - let him come to you though.

Please stay in touch.

Still breathing on the smouldering fire of hope...

Warm thoughts and prayers always

R.B.

Lonely

27th June 2001, 09:51 AM

Well things seem to be a bit more confusing for me. My husband and I have been talking more civily on the phone but now he is calling me things like "babe" and "hun" like he use to. My cousellor thinks that maybe he is starting to realize that he is throwing away a great person. I just wich I knew what he is thinking right now. What he working towards in this relationship. Cuz I have no clue what he is doing. I have told him how things have changed for me now that I feel more comfortable with myself. I went into a big depression because I had gained alot of weight after we got married. He took that as his fault. I have tried to tell him that it wasn't because of him. But he seems to let it flow in one ear and out the other. I open my heart to him and he comes back with "why couldn't you do that before when I have asked you to over and over again. Why does it take me to leave in order for you to realize that?" I have tried to tell him that I am learning how to communicate and that I didn't know how before. That it took this to make me realize that I couldn't do it on my own and that I need prefessional help. He says that it is just an excuse as always. How do I respond to childish responses like that. He frustrates me so much I just want to blow up at him.
Lonely

r_brindley

27th June 2001, 12:16 PM

Hi there lonely,

Well it seems that he is very much playing on your vulnerability. He is making you almost apologise for HIS actions... he left - how is that for poor communication. Now you try to explain and he tells you you are making excuses - HUH?????

but what you do is this.....

It is still a positive step as he HAS made an effort - you need to get him to a marraige counsellor quick smart. How did the civilness and the phone calls even come about - who initiated that?

As for me I have spoken to my husband as recently as Monday night. I had caved in and written him a letter. It was not a letter to beg just an analysis of our situation and some suggested solutions.

I had asked him to call me once he had read it and he did.

I made a time to go around and see him where he is staying (still with mutual friends) and i went around and he sat me down and said things like "I don't feel the same way about you anymore and I am never coming back"

I remained calm - I did not scream or yell or raise my voice - I did however end up crying.

I asked him if he is seeing anyone else, he said "not that it is any of your business but no I am not" i told him of course it is my business I am his wife and the women he made a vow to stand by for the rest of his life. he said " we are only married on paper now" I told him that was the most hurtful thing that anyone has ever said to me - he said nothing.

I told him that I could have left him 4 years ago when he wasn't working and I was supporting him but that I hadn't - I had stuck by him through thick and thin because I loved him then and after all he is putting me through I still love him.

he said nothing except he doesn't want to talk about it and that it is definately over.

I told him he has no remorse for what he is doing to me - he says he does but he can live with it. I told him that I had not changed he had - I said he was being very selfish and that i have asked only for his love and compassion.

He told me that he is being selfish and he feels he has every right to be that he does not have to answer to me anymore.

I told him he could not deny that there is still a strong physical attraction between us - he stated that there isn't.

He told me he wouldn't care if I was seeing someone else and wished that i would give up on him. I told him I had no interest in anyone else and that I could not just fall out of love with him and give up on him like that.

I asked him how he went from loving me (as he still states that he loved me when he married me) to having no emotion but contempt for me in only 7mths ( he has been gone now for almost 3 mths)... he coulodn't answer me.

In the end i left by saying "one day you will realise that life is not about irresponsibility and cars and toys and that sometimes you have to consider people other than yourself in the decisions you make."

He told me he is never coming back no matter what i say. - it was like he was a broken record repeating himself.. he really sounded convinced with his own words too.

I am defeated now - I have tried EVERYTHING. he just does not love me - but yet he doesn't want anyone else... (however I hear rumours that he was at a strip show on Saturday night....he did not even deny this) it is so unlike him - his whole personality has just turned into completely the opposite of what he was for the past 7 years. I need advice on what to do about this... should I just give up????? is there any hope left after what he has said? can I change his mind - if so HOW?

i don't get it and still have no solid reason.

I hope that unlike my husband yours does make all the neccessary changes and try to work things out with you.

Let me know how you go - still thinking of you and praying for you.

regards

R.B.

[This message has been edited by r_brindley (edited 27 June 2001).]

Lonely

4th July 2001, 07:35 AM

Well he still doesn't seem to want to grow up. He doesn't relize that he needs to let go of some emotional baggage before it smothers him. I keep trying to tell myself that it isn't my problem because I am not the one that is going to live the rest of my life unhappy. But, I care about him and I do want him to be happy. Things will never work out between us if he doesn't get help, and he has bascially shown me that he doesn't need help. Everything that has gone wrong between us is my fault. Why can't he stop talking about how much of a man he is and start acting like one. I am so tired of being in limbo and I just want to get on with my life, but I can't until I know what his feelings are. I need either an improvment or closure.

r_brindley

4th July 2001, 10:12 AM

Hi there,

I am sorry to hear that your husband is not willing to make the changes neccessary to build a stronger marraige with u.

Don't buy into his rubbish about it being your fault - maybe you did play a part in your break up as I probably did in mine - but ultimately it was our husbands that were too weak to address whatever issues they had and they left... you are right, both of our husbands need to grow up.

What does your husband say he wants - does he want a divorce? is he still not prepared to go to counselling? is he still seeing the other woman??

You need to take all the answers to these questions and look at the situation u are in... he is leaving you in a grid lock.

A good friend of mine emailed me the other day with some advice that although it hurt at first has now made me think...

I had seen my husband and he was quite civil - I even stayed to watch a video with him and our mutual friends - we talked and laughed but it was as though i was just some woman he knew not his wife. it was like he thinks i am ok with this whole situation now and if he acts like nothing has happened I will be ok with it... but i am not. And his acting this way made me get my hopes up...

I would like to share an extract from the email that my friend sent me that has had a profound impact on my way of thinking...
____________________________________________
Dear R.B,

it is high time that you start to deal with the fact that (husband) is not coming back... I believe anyone deserves another chance but unfortunately I feel that u won't be given one, and you need to come to terms with that.

I know how hurt you are and how you did not deserve any of this to happen but the fact is it did, and you have no control over it... I understand that you want (husband) back but you should also try to get on with your life a little. do not think for a second that (husband) is not getting on with his. Life is not going to be great for you if you just sulk around, yes u can still be upset and have fun, and still want (husband) back but don't let it take over your life.

You are a dear friend and I just want you to know that I do care and that is whay I am telling you this.

love your best friend *******
____________________________________________
This letter was literally like a slap in the face, at first I thought "how rude" and I was very insulted and hurt but then I read it and re-read it and the advice started to sink in.

I think it holds sound advice for the both of us... the fact that this has happened hurts us like nothing else on earth but we cannot change our husbands - they have to WANT to change. and we cannot let the grief and despair run our lives. We may not get closure until the divorce is finalised but in the mean time we should not be sitting around waiting and hanging on to something that is slowly dying and is beyond our control to save... we have BOTH tried so hard to save our marraiges alone but it takes the effort of our husbands too....and niether of them wants to make that effort.

I am trying my hardest to takes my friends advice and although I still hurt and cry most days i am still doing things to heal my spirit.... I hope u can make the same choice.

I will be checking up on u via this board and posting any updates and hope u will still do the same.

You are always in my thoughts and prayers...

Kind regards

.R.B.

confused

9th July 2001, 05:16 AM

Lonely,
In my opinion, RB is absolutely correct although it is hard to move on. I am in the same position except that the roles are reversed. my wife is the one not wanting to work on the marriage. Although she did start seeing a councelor last week as I did also. Hopefully, we can get our own issues resolved and then move on with the marriage but you have to take it day by day and keep your head up. I realized that I had a lot of growing up to do but it may have been too late to see it but I will continue to work on my own problems that will make me a better person for the future. Have you saught counceling for yourself? Maybe it will help you deal with the "break-up" a little better. If he sees you trying to better yourself for YOUR future, he may get the hint and see that he too needs help? I don't know your whole situation but I am sure you will eventually come to the conclusion that there is life after marriage.
Love, A Friend

------------------

Jante

9th July 2001, 05:42 AM

Hi Lonelty and RB. Wnated to say how much your messages have helped me. Only found the site tonight but have been going through the same for 4 months. Only difference, we've been married 16 years, have three children and he walked out after I found out he'd had an affair. I'm willing to forgive and forget and work at our marriage. But despite going to counselling we seem no further forward. Am trying to take your advice about giving him space but its not easy as he comes to see the children 3 times a week. I love him and miss him but it means nothing to him. Thanks for your encouragement to each other it has helped me/ Jante

r_brindley

9th July 2001, 07:30 AM

Dear Jane and Confused,

Thankyou both for adding your insight and sharing your situations, I cannot tell u enough how much lonley's support has meant to me and also the support of all the others in this forum... although I still have days where it is hard to even get out of bed (Friday just gone was the 3mth seperation mark and that was a REALLY hard day) I somehow tell myself i have to keep going.

Jane I can only imagine how much harder it is for you after 16 years and children, but I think the most important thing to do now is try to remain at least on friendly terms for the children's sake as i know coming from a broken home myself as a child it was made all the more hard for me because my parents were nasty to each other and said nasty things about each other to me in the hope that I would like one better than the other.

Try to be strong and keep seeing a counsellor for both yourself AND your children (if they are old enough... hang in there.

all the best.. R.B

Confused,

Thankyou for adding a male point of view to the situation... I admire you for seeking help to resolve your own issues - this can only be a positive thing no matter what the outcome of your marriage is....

For background on lonley and I's situation you can click on page 1-3 and page 3 will show you the first message we ever posted.. all posts are from most recent downwards so your messagge is on our most recent page... but we have been supporting each other for a little over 3 months now - which as I keep saying has been a HUGE help to me.

I wish you luck in getting your marriage back together.

best wishes

R.B

[This message has been edited by r_brindley (edited 09 July 2001).]

Lonely

9th July 2001, 08:34 AM

Dear Confused,

Thank you for your insight. For a while there I was beginning to think that all men were heartless. But I still believe that my husband is. I have been seeking help for the past three and a half months, it has shown him nothing. He just doesn't seem to want to grow up. He wants he toys (like playstation and motorcycles) and thinks that running away will make everything all better. I have tried to get him to understand that it doesn't work that way and he will have to explain some things to me sometime. I don't make any contact with him anymore, but now it seems that I run into him even more. This is so frustrating. What do you think I should do, from a man's point of view? You can get more info from previous listings like RB said.

RB,
Thank you for the kind words. You have been an absolute Saint. It is so comforting to talk with someone who actually is going through the same emotions has me. I still pray for you everyday. Thank you. How have things been going?
Lonely

r_brindley

9th July 2001, 10:34 AM

Hi Lonely,

Well things weren't so bad until just then....

I had a doctors appt in my lunch hour and whilst in the waiting room I happened to glance at the lady sitting next to me... it was the celebrant that married me.

Well she asked me how my husband was and i couldn't lie... so in my lowest voice i told her he left me. i honestly wanted to sink through the floor the whole waiting room was listening and i just stated that i didn't really know why and then I cancelled my doctora appt and left. I am so embarrassed and upset - she only married us 10 months ago.

I saw my husband recently too and he ignored me - he spoke to me but it was more me talking and him just nodding... not even a real conversation. i have left him alone and only speak to him if I run into him - Ironically that is a lot lately too. he is the same as your husband in that he doesn't want to grow up and life is all about cars and playstation (Sony has a lot to answer for!!! ha ha.

He is still not seeing anyone (thank goodness) but is not even slightly interested in me. he has not been to any counselling (still refuses to go and states that it would not make any difference to how he feels about me. I too would like a mans point of view on what I should do... (my counsellor is a lady).

I still think of you and pray for you every day... and hope that you are finally getting somewhere with this whole thing. Has your husband filed for divorce yet - can he file before 12mths where you are? let me know how things are going.

RB

jante

10th July 2001, 12:42 AM

Thanks RB, We both work hard at not involving the children and making sure that we are on good terms for their sake. Its just when we are on our own that it becomes hard as he wants to treat me like a sister and I want my husband back. We are continuing with counselling and in the next few weeks I am going to arrange to see less of him to see if that helps by giving him space and try to make the pain less for me. Not sure if its the right thing to do but only thing I haven't tried yet.
Thanks for listening,Jante

jante

10th July 2001, 12:43 AM

confused

10th July 2001, 03:07 AM

Lonely,
I have been thinking about what you asked me in your previous reply about how I can help from a mans point of view. I really don't know what to say. I only wish that my wife was as willing to work on our marriage as you are. All I really can say is that don't give up hope. Someone mentioned to me, in my forum (I Want To Work Things Out), That I should read John Grays Book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" because it helped them understand their partner better. Several people have actually recomended this but I haven't yet got the book. Maybe your husband has needs other than motorcycles and Playstation that he doesn't even realize. It Sounds like you can offer things that 2 wheels and a 5" CD can't.
Keep Your Head Up
Dave

lonely

12th July 2001, 07:24 AM

My husband has always been the type of man that needs the attention and affection all the time. I on the other hand has been the type of woman that doesn't need that. He has told me that that is one reason why he left...he didn't feel loved. Every second of the day that goes by would love to take those times that we ignored eachother and change it all. The thing that is the most frustrating is that he doesn't want to listen to anything that I have to say, that I have changed and I have seen the error of my ways through conselling. but he doesn't what to see the error of his ways. In his eyes he is perfect and he has never done anything to hurt me like I have hurt him. He also told a couple of people that he was "leaving me before I left him". He has a real big "abandonment issuse" that goes all the way back to his childhood. But you try to talk to him about it and he gets mad and starts yelling at me. His own father has even tried to talk to him about it and now they havn't spoken in weeks. It has been 4 months now and I have no clue what he has going on in his head. How can I let him know that I need to know how I am going to spend the rest of my life, with or without him. I am tired of sitting around waiting while he is having the time of his life. Several people have asked me, "Why would you even consider working things out with him after all this?" And I ask myself the same thing. Do I even still want to work things out or has he scared me for life? I don't know! I hate not having the answers. I would really like to kick the crap out of him and make something click in that small little brain of his. But that won't glue my heart back together after being smashed into dust. How can someone go from loving you to not even caring if I drop off the face of the earth. The past couple of weeks I would lay outside in my yard and just pray that the earth would just swallow me up. I CAN"T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

r_brindley

12th July 2001, 08:33 AM

Dear Lonely,

I really understand your frustration.. You know you have changed but are not being given the chance to prove it... me too.

Unfortunately if he has pre-existing issues that he is not willing to address then he is the one that will continue miserably as he will carry these issues with him and they will afect him forever and a day until he DOES address them.

I think that he is trying to put a lot of the blame onto you for his leaving and this is very wrong - DON"T BUY INTO IT!!! as I have said maybe you did play a part in it but how were you to know what you were doing to cause him to leave if he did not even discuss it with you first???... he just left and that is HIS mistake not yours.

You can't change what has ALREADY happened - you can only move towards creating a better person within yourself for the furture - and you can do this by going to counselling and seeing that you don't NEED him to complete your life - you are worthy of a good life with or without him... We would both PREFER that we share our lives with our husbands but in reality do we really rely on them for our total happiness?

He is wrong about himself if he thinks he is perfect... nor you or I or our husbands are perfect - we are ALL human and we all have faults... I too am sick of waiting for my husband to change, he knows that i want him back but has made no effort at reconciliation so I am just acting indifferent at the moment and not begging or pleading or even making any attempt to change his mind about the decision he has made... I have tried all that and it hasn't worked.

I am not seeing anyone else and neither is he ( I am sure that it would break me if he was) but by the same token I am sick of feeling miserable and refuse to let my life or my happiness be reliant on him any more... I have had 3 months of hell and pain and I cannot live like it any longer.

I too have been asked why I would consider taking my husband back after what he has put me through these past 3 months and my answer is now that i would not take him back as he is NOW as he hasn't changed - he is selfish and childish and shows me no regard for my feelings - I don't want to be with a man who is like this - if however he made an improvement SOON and showed me that he was willing to work on his own issues and then work on ours ( I don't even know what our issues are though - so you have one up on me as your husband has told you his lame reasons) THEN I will take him back.

I wish I could answer the question of how our husbands can go from loving us to loathing us in such a short time - I ask myself the same question on a daily basis and have even asked my husband but I still don't have the answer to that million dollar question I am afraid.

I think we both need to take time out from it all, just sit back and let what will be happen... we may not like it but we have not got any control over it and that we have proved so far with our tiresome efforts.

Maybe soon we will both be able to get beyond this - I am still thinking of you buddy and praying for you. please stay in touch and let me know if you have any progress.

r.b

janete

13th July 2001, 12:48 AM

Dear Lonely and RB
r4eading your replies recently was like reading my own life. My husband also blames the split on my being too distant but now I try to get close and express my love in any way he rejects it. We had been going to RELATE for counselling but this week the counsellor said there was no point in us returning until my husband was ready to change. The last five weeks we have just gone round in circles.I'm willing to put the past and his affairs behind and move forward but he isn't. Now I have had to decide to protect myself by not seeing him until he decides what he wants.This is hard but I don't feel I have a choice.
Reading these pages help tme to realise I'm not on my own and that what I feel is normal.
Thanks.All we can do is pray for each other and our partners.
Jante

r_brindley

16th July 2001, 05:25 AM

hi Jante,

I am sorry to hear that yur husband is unwilling to change - however the fact that he did actually go to counselling is a good thing. he may not change immediately but at least what the counsellor said may give him food for thought. Keep seeing the counsellor for yourself and try to stay positive - I know it is hard.

Best Wishes

R.B

r_brindley

16th July 2001, 05:38 AM

Dear Lonely,

I just thought ai would update you... I have been acting indifferent to my husband these past few weeks and it seems to have had a slight affect.

He is at least talking to me in a civil manner and actually having conversations with me about things unrelated to us. I have not pushed him i have just acted like I am completely happy and okay with the situation..(which is a hard act to put on because I am not completely happy with it).

My husband has been completely making up for lost time - sort of trying to hang on to his youth - he just spent $1700.00 on a sound system and has added a new motor to his already worked car and now he is joining a band!!!!@@@###???

how do I compete with all that - as he genuinely seems happy doing all this and it is great for him - if thats what he wants - fine - but how do I again get to fit in to his life???

Anyway acting indifferent is at least having a small positive effect but I am hoping that he doesn't just think I am okay with this now.

Any advice on how I can turn this into a positive without begging him and pleading him??

Let me know how you are going too... I am still praying for you...

R.B

Lonely

17th July 2001, 06:57 AM

Hi RB

Hi there. Things really havn't changed for me much. My husband still doesn't want to grow up. I talked to my therapist last week and she said that it is time for me to move on with my life. I can't waist my life anymore waiting for him to grow up cuz most likely it isn't going to happen if he hasn't made any changes the past four months. I told her that I wasn't ready to start dating and she agreed, but if something was to come up don't shoot it down cuz you are waiting to find out what is going to happen with my marriage. I told her that I would be a hipacryt if I starting dating now since I didn't even want him hanging out with her. She said that I wasn't the one that walked out, I have done everything that I possibly can to make things work. I have tried to talk to him, offered relatioship books, couselling, and waited and waited. He still hasn't come up to level that I am at yet. So I figured I am at the level of working things out the right way, and he is still way down there in the "I don't want to take responsiblity or grow up" stage. So when he is ready to up and meet me half way I can be there, but until then I have to move on with my life and stop living my life for him. I don't talk to him I don't write him, nothing. And he does the same now. The past week my emotions and thoughts are driving me insane. I don't know what to do with my life and I just wish that it would all end.
But I am glad to hear things are going a little better for you. Keep your head up.
Lonely

r_brindley

17th July 2001, 10:29 AM

Hi thre lonely,

Sorry to hear that you are having no progress. My progress is minimal too. Still no solid contact with my husband and I am going nuts pretending to be okay with things.

I am not at the stage where i can even contemplete dating anyone else yet either... I stupidly still love my husband and hold out hope that he will change but he hasn't changed in 3 months either...

I cannot wait like this forever and i am trying to move on with my life... I am just hoping that by acting indifferent I don't give him full access to push me away even further and then him see someone else - that would devastate me even more than I am devestated now.

His best friend told me that he isn't seeing anyone else - so this is at least some small comfort. But by not contacting my husband and acting indifferent I am afraid he will now think I am okay with our seperation and then start dating someone.

I am so tired and i cannot stop the thoughts that run through my mind constantly. I am feeling ok but I am not at the stage where I am able to give up - I mean I have been married such a short time and I should be enjoying the impending 1st aniversary but I find myself wishing i could somehow stop time and prevent it from happening... ( it will be our first anniversay the 1st wk of Sept).

I know you and i will both get through this but I don't know that our stories will have a fairytale ending.

Let me know how you go...

:-) R.B.

jant

18th July 2001, 12:33 AM

Dear RB and lonely, Sorry to hear you are both still having such a miserable time. Why do our men have such a hold on us but seem so unaffected themselves?
I've tried to be indifferent to my husband but like you worry that it just sends the signal I don't care. He insists the affair is ovwer and that there isn't anyone else but as he won't even try again its hard to believe.Next week he's taking the kids away for a weeks holiday and I've booked myself a few nights at a hotel. First time I';ve ever done anything like this on my own but have to start living my life for myself sometime. I will pray that you both soon have an answer to your prayers and that all our other halves grow up and come to their senses. Jante

jant

19th July 2001, 04:47 AM

Well have just had another blow. My husband assured me last week that he wasn't seeing anyone else and that he just needed to get his thoughts sorted out . He said he was emotionally dysfunctional! Today I discovered that he is still using a dating agency and that last week he took someone out he met through the agency. I'm upset and angry. What can I do?

Lonely

21st July 2001, 07:31 AM

I am not sure what to tell you. Sounds heart breaking. Are the two of you still living together? Sounds like he just needs a good butt whoopin.
Well my hubby and I have been e-mailing back and forth the past couple of days and there may be a little light starting to break through. He may be going to counselling, but we will see. I told him that his words really don't mean anything to me unless he backs them up with his actions. I am trying not to get my hopes up on this one cuz if this doesn't follow through it will be major heart breakage. I don't think I can handle anymore hurt.

jant

22nd July 2001, 06:08 AM

Dera Lonely, no we aren't living together he moved out 5 months ago. However he comes to visit the children 2-3 times a week and so we see each other and talk. However he just wants me to be a sister to him and I of course want to be his wife. We had been going to counselling together but he just went over and over the same thing ie he didn't know what he wanted, didn't think the marriage could work and so wouldd't come home. As a result the counsellor stopped any more sessions until he wanted to change.
I had hoped that with some space it might work out but now he is continuing to use a dating agency I'm not sure of our chances. In fact I'm not even sure if I want him back except for the children. After all how will I ever trust him again?
Jante

r_brindley

22nd July 2001, 11:49 AM

Hi there lonely,

glad to hear that all is well with you and things are starting to look up with your marriage.

Please let me know if your husband starts to go to counselling. Who initiated the emailing? I pray that this works out for you and that he does actually back up his words with actions.

My situation is going from bad to worse. I have seen my husband today and he stated that "these things happen and that - life goes on" to his friend (referring to our marraige). This really hurt me and I am really broken now as it is obvious that he doesn't care and has no intention of coming back.

Please let me know how u r going.

Still thinking of you.

From R.B

sad

22nd July 2001, 01:05 PM

Hi,
I have been reading all our posts and I have to say, I honestly to this point thought I was alone. My story is I met my husband last year when I was only 18. We fell for each other quickly and by the second month we were dating we were engaged. My husband is originally from another state and decided to move where I am permanently. He moved in with myself and my father. My father welcomed him with open arms and treated him like his own son. He was doing everything he could to help us get on our feet.

Anyhow, last December he and I married. Me at 19, him at 26. Everything was wonderful. I was working a good job, as was he. We were well. He told me he wanted children right away. So we tried to get pregnant. It only took a few months. Before I actually became pregnant I ended up quiting my job because of certain reasons, but with my husband's blessing. He wanted me to be a stay at home mom.

I know it was a bad time for us to get pregnant seeing we were sill living with my dad, but I wanted to make my husband happy. So in March I found out I was infact pregnant. I was happy and scared at the same time. As was he.

I had already been going through some depression for a while. Honestly, I was pretty bitchy to my husband. Most of the time he was really good to me. We went through times when I would threaten to kick him out and times he would threaten to leave. He promised me that he would never leave though. He said he could never leave his wife and child. I believed him.

I found out he lied to me about a few stupid things. Things that were so minor that if he would have just told me I would of never thought twice about it. Dishonesty is the thing I hate the most. But we dealt with it and continued on. Till the end of May.

Here I had only been married 5 months, was almost 3 months pregnant. We got into a fight one day. I was angry for really something that had nothing to do with him. I was mad about the worthless feeling I was having from being at home all the time. But after we started arguing he started acting very childish. I told him if he wanted to be treated like a baby he can go home to his mother. So he packed and left.

I didn't hear from him all night and the next morning. I finally called him at work that afternoon. He was cruel. Yelled at me, said mean things, etc. He told me he was sleeping in his car. I felt horrible and begged him to come home. He refused. A few days went by and he called me a couple times saying he had put in a transfer with his company to go back to his home state. I asked him to stay. He said he didn't know what e was going to do.

Finally about 4 days after he left we got together. We spent the most amazing day together. We walked along the beach and talked. We went shopping, we had dinner, just had a wonderful day. We communicated so well. He said he wanted to come home and wanted to keep his family. So I agreed and he came home. He even went to my father and told him he wanted to work everything out. I was overjoyed!

We spent the night cuddling and just being romantic. I was in heaven. I thought finally everything would be ok. I was wrong. The next day when he got up to go to work I asked him "are you coming home tonight?" he said "yes". I said "do you promise?" he again said "yes I promise". So I was left feeling secure that everything was going to be fine.

At about 8pm he called me from work. He said he decided to take the transfer back to his home state. I told him no I didn't want him to and got very upset. He said that if he got down there and saved some money he would send for me and the baby. I told him it was ridiculous and I needed him here now. He said he was going no matter what I said. I asked if me and the baby were worth him staying? He actually said "no" which he denies now.

He got angry with me and wouldn't let me talk. I finally screamed to get his attention and he hung up on me. Never coming home. 2 days past and I couldn't get ahold of him. He wouldn't take my calls at work. Finally the next morning I went downstairs to the entrance of our building and there was a box with my dad's name on it. It was from my husband and inside were car clubs my dad loaned him, his apartment keys, and 2 letters. One to me, one to my dad. He told me he didn't want to fight any more and that's why he left this way. He said he hoped things would be better in the future for us and that he would always Love me.

I practically had a nervous breakdown. A day went by and no sign of him. I talked to his brother who lives with his mom and asked if he heard from him. He hadn't. He didn't even know my husband was coming home. It wouldn't of taken this long for him to make it back. I was worried.

The next day he called me from a payphone close to his mom's. He said he had just got into town and hadn't gone home yet. I asked what took him so long to get there. He said he actually had to work a extra day up here before he could leave. I believe him.

He proceeded to apologize and tell me he was wrong for leaving and wished he had taken me with him. That he wanted a future for us. He begged me to come live there. I told him I'd think about it. He called the next day again saying the same things. I was hopeful.

But then days past and I didn't hear from him. So I called him. His attitude was a bit more nonchalant. But he still said he wanted me to be with him. I remained hopeful. Then another week went by and no word. I again called. This time things went bad. He was cruel. I asked him if it was a divorce he wanted. He said "do you want one?" I said no. I just wanted to know why he wasn't calling me or even e-mailing me. He said he had been busy with work and trying to find us a place to live.

The week before I found out he had secret e-mail accounts he was keeping from me. I broke into them. One had porn sites saved on it. I asked him why he would hide it because we were very open about sexual things including porno. If he wanted to look at it I wouldn't care as long as he didn't hide it. He said his brother was looking at them and he wanted to see. One was from his brother. The other he sent himself from our joint e-mail. I was mad. I didn't know why he would hide it and the fact he had other e-mail addresses. He said he forgot about them.

One of the porno sites he had saved also had personal ads on it. Ones where they can post naked pictures of themselves. This made me mad because before that I had found out that when we were engaged and had broken up for only 3 days he took out another personal ad some place else. So that made me wonder. He was just defensive and mad I went through his e-mails. I figured since he said he had nothing to hide he wouldn't care.

Anyhow, the conversation we were having was going bad. If I said the slightest thing wong he would start yelling at me and threaten to hang up on me. I begged him not to. I was crying hysterically. He blamed me for everything and totally crapped all over me while I begged and pleaded. Suddenly his mother was screaming in the background.

She has never liked me, and we haven't even met. She was screaming that I was nothing but a slut and I was never to call her house again, that my husband was never coming back to me, that all I did was use him, completely bad mouthing me with ALL LIES! I was hysterical! He didn't even defend me, he just asked her to leave the room. Which she didn't. She just continued. I sobbed and sobbed. I couldn't believe she could be so evil. Especially considering my husband's father, her ex, had left her when her boys were young and never made any attempt to help raise them. How could she wish that upon me?

I told him I would do anything to be with him. He said I would have to move there. I said I would. So finally he said ok then we will move you here. And told me he loved me and we hung up.

I wrote him a letter he asked me to write telling him how I felt. I told him in it I wanted to save our marriage and be a family but that I wasn't going to play any games and be treated like he had started to treat me. I didn't hear from him for like 2 weeks. I finally e-mailed him and said if he wanted a divorce I would give him one but I was sick of these games. He wrote back saying he did want a divorce because everything was my fault and he didn't want me any more. I was crushed.

I went along with it for a while. Even went 3 weeks without hearing from him. But then I couldn't hide it. I wanted my husband back. So I begged him to come back to me, no response. He finally e-mailed back when I told him I was taken to the hospital. Which I was but I am ok! He didn't even ask how I was. Just told me that he was too angry to talk to me. Again, it was all my fault.

I could never seemed to say anything right. Everything pissed him off! He wrote me the nastiest e-mail telling me he didn't love me, that I am to blame for it all, that he was moving on and getting a divorce, his own place, would be living well. Mind you he has never once offered me any financial support. None for the baby either. He even owes my father money he has not paid. I was so upset.

My depression is so much worse now. I am scared it is harming my baby. I even have suicidal thoughts to be quite honest. I wouldn't though. My baby is too important to me. Being there for him or her is too important.I just don't know how much I can take.

I wrote him back responding to everything he said in detail. He said I never loved him and I was mean to him. I was sometimes. I regret somethings I have done. I told him how sorry I was and how I loved him more than anything. I told him it hurt he never checked on me and the baby. I poured my heart out.

He wrote back being a little nicer but still saying I didn't love him and he couldn't let go of everything. I e-mailed him back again apologizing for everything and telling him I wanted him back. He wrote asking how I was doing and said he was trying to be the man he once was but that it will be a long road. But still acting like he wanted a divorce.

I wrote him 2 letters begging him to take me back. Ones I mailed directly to his house. It's been almost 3 days and I haven't heard from him. I'm scared he is going to cut off the communication again. If he does it will kill me! I don't know what to do.

Sometimes I think he has someone else. He promised me he would tell me if he got with another woman. He has sworn he hasn't. I don't even have the nerve to ask again for fear it will just make him angry and stop talking to me. I feel like he never wanted me to come there. That he just used that to get me to say I give up. The day he said he had to work one more time here I don't think he did. A friend of mine went to his work that day and said she didn't see him.

I wonder if he was really sleeping in his car like he said he was. I wonder if he met someone here and has plans to move them there and be with them. I have theory after theory but I try not to believe he would do that to me. I even have dreams of him cheating. Last night I had one where he admitted it to me in my dream. I don't know what to think of it.

Now I just play the waiting game. Wondering if anything will get through to him and make him want me back. I'm so scared. I'm an emotional wreck. I've had a very hard pregnancy and been very sick. I really needed him and he's not here. It hurts so bad. I don't know what to do but wait.

I'm 20 years old, pregnant, jobless, living at home, and I fee like the most worthless human on earth. I just want the pain to go away.

Sorry this turned into a really long post. I just felt like getting this all out. Thanks for listening. :-)

r_brindley

27th July 2001, 11:50 AM

Hello all,

Just an update on my seperation,

I have seen my husband a few times at mutual social gatherings but he has just made small talk or been really akward around me which hurts immensely.

I found the ring I had custom made for him when we got engaged and I gave it back to him. I put it in his palm and said "I thought u should have this" he said thankyou and looked me in the eye and said "how are you?" I felt like saying "how the hell do u think I am?" but I just said "I am okay".

He still isn't seeing anyone else but his is not for want of trying I am told. It hurts so much that he is being so nonchalant about this whole thing but as my dad says it just goes to show how immature he is.

I feel that I must try to move on even though he is not seeing anyone else and neither am I as I am sick of the misery that I go through every time I see him and he acts so indifferent. He even said to a mutal friend the other day that "these things happen and life goes on" just like that.... no second thought or care in the world.

I cannot go on hoping that he will come home. It is too exhausting. or 1st anniversay is fast approaching and this will be a traumatic day but I am trying not to dwell on it.

I have had a makeover and since losing a lot of weight (gone from size 16 to 12 in 4mths ha ha) he has really noticed my appearance and commented positively on it to other friends but yet he still makes not one move towards reconcilitation.

Anyway lonely I hope all is well with u - please still pop into the forum from time to time as i do to update how things are going.

Thanks again for the support u have given me throughout this horrible experience - I hope u too are moving in a positive direction.

Love prayers and best wishes always

R.B

Lonely

27th July 2001, 11:40 PM

Here is an update on my situation.

Well my husband and I have really been getting along the past week or so. He has told me that he knows he has problems and needs to speak with someone about them. He knows (or at least he says) that he has hurt me so much and wants to stop hurting me. But he has never once said that he does still love me and that he is sorry for hurting me. He is focusing on his own pain right now. Which I guess is good, it is about time he felt something. Also I once again asked him what his situation was with this "close friend" of his and he told me that there has been some involvement. What does "involvement" mean. Well he said that they have kissed, on more than one occasion, but there hasn't been any sex. I know that I asked the question, but that doesn't mean that it should hurt less. I don't know if he is even telling me the whole truth. I don't know how I should feel about all of this. He says he is sorry and he doesn't want to hurt me. But what was he thinking while he was kissing her, that I wouldn't hurt me. I am so confused. So I guess I can say that my husband is or was, I don't know if he is continuing it or not, having an affair. How could I ever trust him again. How can I make this pain go away.

A friend

28th July 2001, 01:30 AM

To Sad,
I was touched by your letter. I am going through with my husband also. But, let me tell you. You are a strong woman. Remember that. Ask God to give you the strength to get through this. He will. My husband has cheated on my several, this last time I thought I was going to loose my mind. But I prayed and asked GOd to give me peace and stength and he did. You are precious to him, please don't do anything to harm yourself or your child. It's not just you anymore. Start off by accepting your truth, if your husband comes home fine, if not fine. You have a child now and whether or not he comes home or not you have to be strong for your baby!! It sounds like your husband has a lot of growing up to do. Let him. In the meantime, get yourself together. If staying with your dad helps you, do that until you get on your feet. Work on getting yourself back on feet. You did that once before. List all of your accomplishments before you were married and look at the daily. Yes, I know you hurt and your heart is broken, but you have to get up, get yourself together so your baby can have someone to depend on. I wouldn't contact him anymore. I know how you feel, I sensed your pain in your letter. I know you feel, but you need space and he does too. You need to get your strength up and when your strong, then maybe you can contact him. Concentrate on you and your baby for now. Things will get better for you, please trust me when I say that. You can handle this. God doesn't give anything he knows we can't deal with. God loves you and he knows your pain, just give it to him and let him work this out. He will. I was hurting so bad the other day, and I just couldn't believe my husband had done this to me again, I just had a baby also. He cheated on me so many times and I just loved him so much. I was driving, getting ready to have a pity party, then I said God, I can't take this anymore, I felt a peace come over me, a strength that I had never felt before. I pulled off and went right home and my husband was a different person. Before, when I left he was so cold and angry at me for leaving to think about things. He was more remorseful. We still have alot of things to work out, I just take one day at a time. I don't have a perfect answer for you except to give it to GOd. He cares for you and will be there to comfort you, but you must ask him too. Call a friend when you feel real down, start planning things for your baby, like a shower, work on your nursery, get your resume together, interested in going back to school?What do you want out of life? YOu had a life before you met this man, tap into that. Trust me things will work itself out in time. I know you don't see it yet, but I promise you they will. Please try to stay positive and just focus on getting you and your baby together. Don't worry about what you don't have. You have a life inside of you, your healthy, and your here now. You can do this. Focus on your strength, take this time and find out who you are and what you want. YOu did NOTHING wrong, you are young and still have a lot to learn about things, even though did things in your marriage that may not have been right, it still doesn't excuse his abandonment. But, your will be alright. Smile for me and look at the beautiful sun, then look at your stomach and feel the life growning inside of you. What a miracle GOd has given YOU! You are special and beautiful and intelligent. YOu are an overcomer. You are a strong woman. Be encouraged, God loves you and I will be praying for you. :0 )

[This message has been edited by Dave (edited 28 July 2001).]

jant

29th July 2001, 05:55 PM

Dear RB and Lonely, Have just got back from a three day break while my husband had the children away for a holiday. I really believed I was making headway in accepting that for the time my marriage was over and I had to get on with life without him. Then I come back and he stayed over night having returned the chiuldren( stayed in sons room not mine) and now hes left and its like losing him all over again. Why can't I let go? Why is it so hard to move on?
Jante

r_brindley

31st July 2001, 08:48 AM

Dear lonely and Jante,

Lonely,

I think it is good that u are making at least small progress. Is he living with u again? Did he initiate the contact?

I think that u do need to have marraige counselling with your husband if he is still willing ( and lets face it if he is truly committed to working things out and stopping hurting u he will go).

The trust issue is a big one - you need to tell him that he has to rebuild it with you not just automatically think that it will be restored. It will take a long time and even if you get back together those issues will need intense counselling to work through or it may end in more heartache.

You have to tell him that u need to know the whole situation with this "close friend" and u need to know that he is not seeing her or anyone else anymore in order to move on and work at your marraige.... the hurt is still there and will be probably until you work through these feelings in the presence of a counsellor - don't bottle them up or think u have to just work on it with him without outside help - u need professional counselling so as to prevent the blaming scenario that can take place over all the issues that you both have with each other.

Let me know how it goes. I am thinking of you.

Jante,

I know what u mean about going away and having a clearer perspective and then only to come back and have 1 incident take place and your heart sinks again.

I think that u need to perhaps tell your husband how it makes u feel when he stays and then leaves again - basically he can't have his cake and eat it too - he either is there forever with you and your children or he maintains access and polite terms with you and does not stay over.

If he is committed to working things out - counselling is the go and also it would perhaps be better if you did this whilst he is living elsewhere so as to work things out slowly and allow time to heal seperately before thrusting yourself back into living together whilst still trying to sort things out. this is just my view but I think that is the best way around it... for your sake and the childrens.

As for me I am back from my stay with my dad and he has told me that he would be deeply disappointed if I got back with my husband after all the hurt he has put me through. this makes it hard as part of me still hopes he will change and we can work it out.

However he is not even making any contact with me and I am not sure what to do - I would love to just see him as a friend to talk but I know he doesn't even want that and when we do see each other at mutual social gatherings he barely says two words to me - he is totally avoiding the issue in the hope that it it will go away.... out of sight out of mind is his theory.

I have had people tell me that he is into all sorts of mischief and doing things that he would NEVER have done and that are so out of character... what do I do? how do I even build a friendship with him?

For me to have closure on this I need answers - I need to know when he supposedly "fell out of love" with me and why. I still do not have the answers all he says is "I just don't feel the same about you anymore" and "I don't want to try to work it out" and "I want a divorce".

I got the e-book "Stop your Divorce" in desperation a few months ago and although a few of the things suggested worked well it has made no difference to the fact that my husband still wants a divorce and has basically forgotten that I do or ever did exist. any advice?

Best wishes to you both.

R.B

jant

1st August 2001, 02:22 AM

Dear RB Thanks for your reply. We have been for counselling but relate stopped it because my husband wouldn't make any moves forward or suggest ways we could change and when I offered to do anything ton put right what he said had been wrong he refused. The staying over was partly my fault I suggested it as he had no where to stay. I am trying to keep the distance but because I love him I find it very difficult. I want to spend time with him and chat to him but then its hard when he goes. JHe mwants me for a sister not a wife. Like you I feel I need answers. I know how hard it is to feel things are unresolved or that given a chance they could be put right but as our husbands refuse to even try wee are limited. We can only go on praying for the answers we want nad trust that God has the situation in control .I know it doesn't always feel like it.Jante

r_brindley

1st August 2001, 11:30 AM

Dear Jante,

Did Relate really stop the counselling! my heart dropped as I read this as the way your husband acted at the counselling is exactly the way I know my husband will act when he has to complete the compulsory counselling that he must undertake before being granted a divorce.

As we have been married less than 2years and that is the law where I live.

He has even said to me that he will walk in tell them he is definately not willing to work on our marraige and walk out again.

It frustrates me that it is all too easy to get a divorce these days... (in Australia anyway)... it can be done online and everything!!!!

I know some people have huge issues such as spousal abuse etc and it is good that the process is easy for them to get out of thier marraige but what about those that just feel - yep can't handle this, don't want to try... so I'll just move out for 12months do my own thing and get a divorce.

It just seems that the whole thing is just so easy - like taking back a shirt to a department store that u purchased knowing full well what u were getting and then getting home deciding u hate the colour and taking it back for a full refund no questions asked.

I guess the fact that my husband does have to obtain a counselling certificate is one good thing - it makes him face his issues but if they can cancel it and say sorry no point in continuing then well it just makes it all the more easy for the partner that wants out.

I am not by any means saying it should be hard but I am saying why does it have to be so easy too.

I will check up on u soon.

Warms thoughts and prayers

R.B

[This message has been edited by r_brindley (edited 01 August 2001).]

jant

3rd August 2001, 02:05 AM

Dear RB, Yes Relat said there was no point going on as he would only go round in circles saying what he was disatisfied with but giving me no chance to maake any changes. The counsellor asked if he thought there was anything more she could do and he said he didn't know so she suggested we go back if he thinks there is a way forward. The counselling was his suggestion and I had hoped it would help but I came out sad or angry each time because he weouldn't let us try again. We've been married 16 years and it seems so silly not to give it at least one last chance.
It must be so hard if he wants a divorce and you don't. My husband doesn't want anything formal just for
us to live apart which I find difficult as I'm always hoping and then disappointed.
All we can do is keep praying that they will come to their senses.Jante

r_brindley

3rd August 2001, 08:14 AM

Dear Jante,

Yes it is really hard on me and a you will see from my previous posts a wedding ring had graced my finger for only a short time before he left with "I just don't love you anymore" - although we were married only a short time before he left we had been together for 7 years and engaged and living together the whole time... nothing else changed but his love.

I saw a friend of his before I started work today and he came up to me and said to me how sorry he was about this whole thing and he said " I just can't believe (husband) is being so cold about this whole thing - it is like he has no conscience or guilt about it at all"... I just nodded and said "yes he never used to be like this did he?" and his friend said " it is like he is a totally different person and no-one can figure out why he has done this and he just doesn't even have any remorse when we ask him how he could do this after marrying you only last year he just shrugs".

So there you go even his friends can't understand it even they are in the dark as to why he has done this and if they don't know the answers then hoe will I ever get them?

Bye for now

R.B

jant

4th August 2001, 03:37 AM

Dear RB your situation sounds so familiar. My husband left because he says he doesn't love me any more as a wife only as a sister . No one else can understand because whenmwe are together we seem to get on so well. He just refuses any physical contact between us . He did give me a hug last night cos I asked him to. I had got upset (again) because I want him back so much. I try to act as if I don't care to try and give him space and not seem a wimp but every so often it gets to me and I end up crying in front of him. I know I shouldn't as I'm afraid it will drive him further away but my emotions aren't always thast contollable.
He admitted he'd used the dating agency recently but said he'd only taken the girl out once. What I don't understand is why he's looking- I'm there for him if he'd only give us a chance.
Hope things imrove for you soon.
Lonely we haven't heard from you recently is your situation any better?
Jante

Lonely

4th August 2001, 07:27 AM

Well my situation hasn't really changed too much. My husband and are talking alot more and he seems to be opening up to me more. He has made an appointment with a cousellor (the same one that I am seeing) but we will see if he will show up. He says that we will do some sessions together too. He comes over more, he brought me dinner the other night cuz I said I had no food in the house. He told his sister that I look sickly because I have lost so much weight since he left. I am still not sure if he is continuing this "relationship" with this other girl. I have asked him but he hasn't answered me. He has told me some of the rumors that he has heard about me and some of them are true, like me going out dancing with a bunch of girls, all basically harmless stuff. I told him that I would tell him everything that I have done since he has been gone and he says he cares but he doesn't care to know. What does that mean? I don't know. Hopefully things will go well for him during his first session and he will continue to go. So nothing has really changed for me and sounds like nothing has really changed for the two of you either. I wish you both the best of luck and you are in my prayers every night. None of us deserve this kind of behavor, but that is men for ya I guess. They are a little slow in figuring things out, I have realized. Which is so f---ing frustrating it makes your head want to explode. Well I need to get some things done around here. I will check in on ya.
Best regards,
Lonely

r_brindley

6th August 2001, 10:52 AM

Well my situation has gone from bad to worse again....

I am currently living in a motel as i could no longer stay at my mothers as it was far too stressful and not a supportive environment at all.

I have a pet bird and I asked my husband to look after him for me as I cannot have a bird with me in a motel room. I was crying when I called him and much to his credit he asked if I was okay. and I told him I qwould be okay but I needed some one to look after the bird.

He said he would look after the bird but"only for a few days"... it was a real inconvenience for him apparently.

I saw him when I took the bird around and it was like I was invisible he did not even acknowledge my prescence.

A close friend said that when I rang to tell him about the bird they were in the same room as he took the phone call and when he hung up from talking to me he said "great she's bringing the bloody bird around" and all of our mutual friends that were there said " so your wife will be here soon?" and he said "she's not my f***ing wife - we are only married on papaer now" they all told him that he should be a man and go back to me as he is just taking me for granted and being a child and that I had done nothing to deserve being treated this way. He just shrugged and then took off in his car apparently.

But I have now realised how heartless he is... I did not ask for a pity party but some compassion would have been nice - he simply does not care about me in any way shape or form not even as a friend obviously.

I am embarrassed by my current situation as my career is a good one but it is in sharp contrast to the mess that is my personal life.

I gave my husband the world and he repayed me by walking away without any reason or explanation.

I am broken and bitter and i don't know how much longer I can go on putting on the "happy face" whilst I am sobbing inside from this anguish, sometimes I wish i wasn't even here.

R.B

Lonely

9th August 2001, 12:12 PM

RB

Oh sweetie I am sooooo sorry that you have to put up with this kind of behavoir. You don't deserve it, no one does. None of us ever ask for a pity party, but we do ask for a little understanding and compassion. It hurts and I know, I feel for you, I feel right along with you. Your husband is being a child and he is ithe only one that doesn't see it. Just keep telling yourself that you are better than he is, you deserve better. You are a very special person and if he can't see that then screw it. Keep living your life for yourself, cuz that is all that matters right now. what happened that you had to move out of your mothers house. Do the two of you not get alone. What about your dad? Can he help you out. I am so sorry, this really brings me to tears knowing you are going through this and that he is being such a jerk. Just remember, no matter what happens, he will be the one hurting the most in the end. Someday it will hit him what he is doing to you and that he gave up the best thing that ever happened to him. Please keep smiling and I will pray extra for you. It is hard to have to keep putting on a mask over your true emotions, it becomes very exhausting. right now I would just like to take off for a week and not tell anyone and just disappear for a while. but I can't. so i just keep going through my normal routine, smile and say everything is fine. Even though I want to just break down in tears. Please keep in touch so I know you are OK. I am very worried about you.
Lonely

Jante

12th August 2001, 08:53 PM

Dear RB and Lonely, I feel so much for both of you but especially worried about you RB. How are you doing? Are you still in the motel? Is it giving you the space you need or is the loneliness getting to you? Your hb was rotten about the bird, you only asked for some practical help and in the situation its the least he should do to help you? It doesn't hgelp that you still have no real explanation for why hes doing this to you. I know the frustration , my hb won't give me a proper explanation eiher. He says he values our friendship but isn't able to give me anything else. Lonely I hope thye counselling works for you. It does work for many people and if hes willing to talk and listen you stand a chance. Keep in touch both of you Jante.

r_brindley

14th August 2001, 07:10 AM

THIS IS A CONTINUATION OF THE POSTING WISH HE WOULD COME HOME....

Hi there Jante and Lonely,

Sorry it took me so long to reply... I went to but the thread was closed on our other posting and I was not sure why.

I am okay. Living in the motel was really degrading and very very lonely, I am at my lowest point right now.... I want so badly to get through this but the harder I try the more odds get stacked against me.

Lonely, I had to move out of my mothers because she and I do not get along. My mother has never been supportive of me and has never lived up to the responsibilities that the title mother holds... I don't have any loe or respect for her... which I know is sad but she is the source of a lot of hurt that I have had much therapy for since the age of 9...

I know she has a lot to do with the fact that after all I have been put through by my husband I cannot give up - for years i have treid to have a good relationship with my mother and have met with constant rejection but I still go back for more as I cannot quit I always love too much and give too much and only get rejection and a broken heart in return.

I had lived out of home for many years due to her abuse and other issues and had made a successful life for myself, but when my husband left me and i had no where else to go I had no choice but to go back there. My stepdad is there too and he is ok, it's just mum. But it ended up being a very bad environment to be in for my sanity so hence I ended up in a motel.

My real dad is great he is very supportive and helped me out lot but it is not practical for me to go and live with him as he lives far away and I work here... as I said my career is great but it is in sharp contrast to my personal life.... it's like I have a double identity - the business suited together professional and the nervous wreck that I am at home.

I have now found a cheap place to rent and am living with a good girlfriend. I am trying so hard to be strong but I moved into this place the other day and I opened a jar that i thought had cookies in it and I discovered my flowers made of icing that were on top of my wedding cake.... I just bawled. then I went to a supermarket to get some groceries and the song that we had as our registery signing song came on and i literally had to leave my trolley in the middle of the aisle and leave.

I thought I was getting better but I am not - I just hate this so much and the fact that he is so cold and indifferent and that our wedding anniversay is only 3 weeks away makes it hurt all the more.

I have seen him a few times and he is just not even worried about what he has done... he is having a wonderful life of parties and no responsibilites. My pain is extreme.

I just want to know when his suffering starts... when does he get to feel some of this anguish that is like a living entity just growing in intensity as each day passes?... when does he feel the lonliness and emptiness of having to get up everyday and muster all your energy just to keep going? He doesn't care or miss me at all. As I have said I don't waqnt a pity party but some explanation and compassion woulod not go astray.

I Hope all is ok for the both of you and I thank you both for your ongoing support. I am still praying for both my own situation and yours too. I will keep in touch and let u know and hope u both do the same.

Warm thoughts and prayers always

R.B

Dave

14th August 2001, 02:05 PM

Sorry about the topic being closed - my error as an Administrator.

We are about to move the Forums onto a new system (don't worry, all the old postings etc will all be accessible) and I messed up some of the moving around.

I will re-join the threads once we are on the new system in the next 48 hours so that people can continue to be moved and inspired by your story.

Hang-in there RB and Lonely (and all the others in the thread). You may yet be amazed at the power of love.

Dave

Jante

14th August 2001, 11:33 PM

Dear RB, so sorry to hear how difficult things are with your mum. My mum has been a shoulder to cry on through all this which has been a great help. Its good to hear you are out of the motel nad staying with a friend, that hopefully will make things a little easier. My situation hasn't really changed- still seeing him twice a week so he can see the children Today I finally separated all our finances. I had asked him to do this 6 months ago as I'm not sure I can trust him not to get into debt. I had opened my own account ages ago when it becanme clear the way things were heading. The house I live in is also mine. So with the joint account closed the separation seems more definite. I know its the wisest thing to do but I still feel I,m the one doing the breaking. Isn,t it daft.
Anyway trust things begin to improve for both of you Jante.

registered

15th August 2001, 01:32 AM

Hi there Jante,

Yeah things are a little better now I have a place to stay. I still of course wish that this situation was different and it is still consuming my thoughts on a regular basis.

I still have not lost hope but I am wondering now what exactly I am hanging on to... someone aske me that question last night and I could not anser it. I am just hanging onto hope I guess.

I am so exhausted but I cannot bring myself to give up.

I will keep u updated. hang in there with your husband too... U share children together and this is something special and hopefully he will realise what he is giving up.

Best wishes R.B

Lonely

21st August 2001, 04:28 AM

Dear RB

It time that I face the truth. My marriage is over. things are not going to change between the two of us no matter what. Mostly because he is to pig-headed to change. I can't count the amount of times that I have told him that I care and love him. Has he even came close to repeating that back to me. But yet he is telling me that he is doing everthing that he possibly can to work things out---if he is then I can't see it. We were suppose to do a session together this week and I told him tonight that I didn't want him to go anymore. Is that wrong of me? I did the worse thing, and that was getting my hopes up. Now something has hit me that I would be better off without him. He has hurt me too much. My love for him is actually dissappearing. I am tired of doing the chasing. If he does want to work things out then it is time for him to do the work. I am planning on moving the rest of his things out this week. Right now I don't want to have anything to do with him. Am I being to harsh? I just can't get the images out of my head of him and his "close freind" especially now that he has confesed the truth (whether or not it was the whole truth- who knows). I just don't think that I can be happy with him anymore, he never wants to open up and only wants to see things "his way". I just can't believe that I am going to be 23 years old in two weeks and alone.
Lonely

r_brindley

22nd August 2001, 05:37 AM

Hi there lonely,

I read your post and I know exactly how u feel. So much water has gone under the bridge now you just don't know whether u can swim through it.

I don't think you are being harsh for feeling the way u do... he has hurt you to the centre of your soul... with unfaithfulness and deception comes lack of trust... he has brought this upon himself...

HOWEVER.... I feel that if u can try to at least build a friendship again above all else, and do this through counselling this may help you to bring the trust back.... or help u decide what u want to happen.

There is an old saying I have always tried to hang onto through this ...."If u love someone set them free and if thier love is true it will be returned to you times three".... this hasn't been true for me until recently, I think that I always thought that if my husband came back things would be all fine and great again but I can see that we would have to go through a lot of counselling and tears to deal with the hurt before we could even ATTEMPT to get back together.... and unfortunatley my husband has no love for me even after I have let him have his space..... so you know it kinda makes me think.

I think this is the hardest thing for you right now too - you are getting your wish but u don't know exactly how to deal with it or if the issues u have with your husband will change. He has lost your trust.. but if he wants to go to the couselling sessions I would let him but just do it to get the issues off your chest - don't expect immediate results if any. Seek individual counselling without him too and discuss your feelings with the cousellor. Encourage him to do individual sessions too and just sit back and observe to see if he is actually following through with the changes he is promising.... you know what they say "actions speak louder than words".

If he is truly committed he will see the effort you have made and realise that it will not be all plain sailing if this marriage is to repair.. there will be tears before there is laughter.

Don't feel guilty for the feelings of resentment you are having - they are apparently normal.... there is a little thing called "gut instinct" listen to this carefully and you will know what the right choice is.

By the way - it is so strange but I realised for the first time that our age and birthdays are so similar. my birthday is on Saturday - I will be 25 and all alone - my husband has not even acknowledged that it is coming up and like u I am now in termoil wondering if I am better off without him after all.

Take care mate and let me know how things are going.

I will pray that u follow what your gut instinct tells you.

Bye for now write soon.

R.B

Jante

22nd August 2001, 07:22 PM

Dear RB and Lonely, Sorry to hear how hard things are for you. Lonely I understand how you feel. I'm finding myself in much the same situation. Still wishing he would come home but after 6months (its the 6 month Anniv.this weekend) and counselling and leaving space for him to feel free nothing has changed. The differences for me are the children who are beginning to object to the way their father comes into their lives on a weekend and expects them to drop their normal life to spend time with him. Also I am 42 and so feel past forming any other relationship especially as I know the children would find it hard to accept. Sorry I set5 out to commiserate and instead I'm moaning. Wish My life was back 3 years and I could change things or forward two so I was over all this. Keep trusting love Jante.

r_brindley

27th August 2001, 04:01 AM

Hello all,

I am still thinking of u all and hoping that things are improving for you. Lonely how did things pan out after your last post.. any change?

Jante how are you going?

I am doing ok. It was my birthday on Saturday and my husband called me and asked me for money and then at the end of the conversation said " oh and by the way happy birthday" it was almost like an afterthought.. sort of like when u go to a supermarket and they say "and have a nice day" they usually don't really care how your day is, it is just a conditioned politeness.

I am starting to see him for what he has now become and I really don't like what I see. he is selfish and heartless and he is going out til all hours to strip clubs and just doing all sorts of childish things.

I have been out with friends this weekend just gone and really had a good time. I am not enjoying the single part of my current situation but I am enjoying finding myself again. I never realised just how much of myself I had pushed to the background for my husband, although I was happy with him in other aspects I can see now the respect that I had for him was never there on his behalf he just took what he could from me and when he got all that he wanted he decided that he just could not handle being an adult and has reverted back to being a kid. I cannot understand WHY he has done this as he has never been like this before but I can now see that he potentially would have done this to whoever he was with as he is just running away from not me but responsibility in general.

This realisation does not make it hurt any less and the fact that he is being so selfish and indifferent and our wedding anniversary is on Sunday is really hurting me but as much as it hurts I don't want to be with someone who is so heartless and selfish that they can treat me with such disrespect.

I still take each day at a time and some days i am still a mess but thankfully I have a great support network both through this forum and with my own friends and that helps.

Let me know how you all are....
Hope to tell u more good stuff as it happens to me.

Warm thoughts and Prayers always

R.B

Jante

29th August 2001, 12:07 AM

Dear rb, Thanks for the update. All the best for Saturday. I know how hard anniversaries are. My husband had only been gone three weeks when our 16th came. We obviously didn't celebrate it! My situation seems to stumble fromgetting better to bad again and back. Last week was hard. My husband took the children back to our old home. I was left behind caring for my nephew wo is 4 months old. I felt so lonely and desparate that in the end I took him to my other sisters ( his mum and dad were away on holiday) . I left him with my sister and mum for the last two days. I then had time to myself anfd thought i'D PULLED MYSELF TOGETHER. hUSBAND RETURNED AND WE HAD A PLEASant hour before he left. It was his birthday so I'd bought him a small gift. Then the boys started telling me about the weekend and were upset. Their dad had told them we wouldn't be getting back together as we don't get on anymore. He told them we both might marry again in the futre and our new partners were sure to be nice. The children are upset and want me to discuss it with him with them present.Not sure what best.
Hope things continue to feel more peaceful for you. Its good you can begin to get a logical view of the situation and recognise its him with the problem not you. Keep in touch Jante

Jante

31st August 2001, 12:15 AM

Dear Rb< Had to come back and post an addition to last post. Have just had husband here to see the children and had discussion as mentioned before. Result is wants a formal separation with a view to getting a divorce. He's seeing someone else although he says its not anything serious at the moment. Explains his comments to the children at the weekend. I've said I'll agree to the separation not that I can do anything else as he doesn't live with me but have said that I don't agree with divorce and so won't give him one. Now though I'm wondering if I would be better just letting him have the divorce and drawing a line under it and getting on with my life. My reasons for not wanting a divorce are on religious grounds but I know he is in the wrong and biblically there are grounds for me divorcing him. Its just so difficult to know what would be best for me and the kids. Well all I can do is pray about it. Hope things are better for yoju Jante

Unregistered

3rd September 2001, 01:37 AM

Dear Jante,

I am so sorry to hear the turmoil you are in. I know your heart must be absoulutely breaking with the news that your husband has moved on. The best advice I can offer is not to get caught up in "what if's and maybes" thinking like this has caused me great greif over the past 5 mths.

I believe that if he wants a divorce then don't let your religious beliefs stand in the way of gettin on with your life, I know religion is a great part of life, and I also know that whatever religion you are the one you pray to would want only hapiness for you.

I have just had my first wedding anniversary yesterday and although I should have been really upset, suprisingly I am not. I have finally "let go" and I am getting on with my life.... why should I live in misery for someone that just has no love and respect for me. I have formed a very special bond with a good male friend ( and that is all we are just friends) who has made me realise that I should want nothing but hte best for myself, spending time with him and my other friends has been a great support and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Dave was right when he said I would be amazed at the power of love - my husbands love may have been taken away from me but I have been surrounded by loving friends and (almost) all of my family, and I think that is what has helped me through these last 5 mths.

I never believed I would get through this - but us humans are a funny species and we are a lot stronger than we think in times of adversity.

Keep standing up and facing the odds because soon like me you will start to beat them.

Warm thoughts and prayers always

R.B

Jante

3rd September 2001, 09:03 PM

Dear RB thanks for your reply and prayers. I am still feeling calm about the whole situation, which surprises me. I've just returned to work after the school holidays so will have less time to ponder. Have decided to pray about the situation some more beforeI make any decision which will be binding. Glad to hear your life is improving Jante.

r_brindley

6th September 2001, 07:24 AM

Hi there everyone,

Jante I am glad to hear that finally you are starting to gain some clarity on the whole seperation with your husband. I know that the pain will remain... and I can say this because I am finally getting on with my life and although I am feeling great right now the pain is still there and probably will be for a long time to come. I can now say that even though it has been 5mths exactly since my husband left me today I am feeling ok.

I know that our marriage is beyond repair - he has lost my trust and I don't care for him in a husbandly way anymore... in many ways he has done me a favour by leaving now and not later on down the track.

We have a joint loan together which he is supposed to be paying (I give him money for it too though) but he is using the money I give him to go out partying and I now hear that he has developed a drug habit. He is just the complete opposite of the man I fell in love with and married and I really detest the ugly character he has become.

I have no choice but to give him the money as on paper the loan is mine too and if it doesn't get paid (which obviously it isn't even though I give him the money) I get a bad credit rating too. I have spoken to my bank (we always had seperate accounts but the loan is deducted from his) and they won't lend me money to pay out my half as I don't earn enough money to pay it back by myself - I am a bit down about this as this is linking me to him when I want to make a clean start and I just am tied to him financially - I just don't know what to do about this as it is draining me financially and getting me further and further behind as I have to give him 200.00 per month as well as pay all my other living expenses etc.

I am trying to reamin positive about this as my credit rating is excellent in all other areas, hopefully things will work out - who knows I might win Lotto ha ha.

Lonely how are you going??? I am still thinking of you and hoping that you are doing ok.

Warm thoughts and prayers always

R.B

Jante

6th September 2001, 07:18 PM

Dear RB Thanks for your message. |Sorry to hear of your financial problems. Is the loan with the bank? If it isn't is it possible to contact the lenders and see if you can make some arrangement to have the loan split and you py back ypour half possibly over a slightly longer period to make the repayments slightly lower.
My situation finacially is a little better as my husband had all loans in his name and though we have a joint account the bank is supposed to be separating it so it only has his name on and he will be responsible for the overdraft that he has built up. I have my own ACCOUNT into which my wages are paid. I set it up when i SAW WHAT WAS THE POSSIBLE OUTCOME OF MY HUSBANDS AFFAIRS.I'm still uncertain of the best way forward perhaps its just too soon after such a long time together. I want to move on but seeing him so regularly for the children keeps my love for him alive although as it is in a vaccuum I can sense its slowly wilting. Hope you have some succees over the loan Jante.

Lonely

12th September 2001, 01:32 AM

Hi all,
I hope all is well. Things really havn't changed here. My husband and I are sort of talking now. I am just so confused on what to do. My head is telling me one thing, but my heart just won't let go. Now I am really nervous now that we have had these terrorist acts against us. He is x-military and has been put on stand-by. I have been scared out of my witts all day. He tells me that I make things confusing for him by changing my mind about things, like when I told him that I didn't want him to go to my session with me anymore. He says he is telling me the truth about things and gets mad at me when I say that I am sorry but your word just isn't enough. I told him that I feel that I am waisting my heartache over someone who doesn't even love me anymore. He doesn't listen to a word that I say, he can't take it to heart. He just doesn't take the time to think things out and really try to understand what I am saying. I just don't know what to do. I have gotten names of attorneys and things but I just can't make myself get past that point. LIFE IS HELL!

r_brindley

12th September 2001, 02:24 AM

Hi there Lonely,

I have just turned on the news and seen the horrific events in Manhatten.... I hope u are nowhere near them. It is very sad and all of our military here in Australia are apparently on standby. Our Prime Minister is actually in Washington at the moment. I hope your husband doesn't get the call to go.... you are both in my prayers as are the families of all those affected.

So do you still think there is hope in your marraige? is it love you are hanging onto do u think or a fear of being alone?

I know for me someone asked me this question and I freaked right out at them.... I thought "how dare they say that I am just hanging on out of fear of being alone" but you know what? they were right - I have an intense fear of not just being alone - I am ok with that but I cannot stand to be lonely or to feel that I have failed in any aspect of my life, and that is how I felt for 5mths - like a complete failure.

But I now know that some things just are not meant to be and my marriage is one of them... I feel that it is no use trying to revive that which is long dead.

I stil mourn for the end of my marraige and talking about it is still extremely painful but I have made a few life choices since I have had extensive counselling that have helped me to see that I can move forward through this slowly but surely.

i hope that some improvement happens for u soon one way or the other so that finally you may get some positive results from this whole trauma that may lead to you either letting go completely or putting intense effort into saving your marraige..
but rememeber love and committment is a two two process and as I have learnt just because you love someone it doesn't always mean that they will love and mutually respect you so the best course of action is to give out love and love and respect yourself first and foremost.

Let me know how you are going

Warm thoughts and prayers at this time and always

R.B

r_brindley

1st October 2001, 01:29 AM

Hi there everyone,

I thought I might let you all know how things are for me.

I would like to give you some positive news but all that was good for me has turned very very sour.

I was starting to form a really special bond with a close male friend (nothing sexual just a close companionship) but he told me on Tuesday that he is not comfortable hanging out with me anymore and thinks that we shouldn't hang out together.

This hurt me deeply as I was just starting to have a great time again, going to the movies and just enjoying someones company... but now I don't even have that. He could not explain to me why he doesnt want to hang out with me anymore but I suspect my husband has said something.

Also my husband has developed a drug habit and has been ringing me and harrassing me for money to pay our joint loan... but he really spends it on drugs if I give it to him. I have told him that I am not going to keep giving him the money - I will give payout half the loan when he refinances his half so we have two seperate loans in our own individual names. He has stated that he does not have time to go to the bank to see about doing this.

I told him that it is a 30minute phone call. he just won't co-operate because he wants me to give HIM the money.

He told me that "you had better watch out if I am on the road at the same time as you because i am going to bring you down" it was a cruel and malicious thing to say.

He has hurt me so much and is destroying my friendships to boot as he is making it hard for people to hang out with me. What can I do??????

I have already lost so much from this in the past 6mths and I was just starting to gain a little bit of happiness and he is just taking it all away.

Well that's where I am at.. trying to swim but sinking like a lead balloon.

Lonely I hope you are ok. Please let me know how things are with your situation.

Jante I hope you are ok too... Please let me know.

I was doing so well there getting on with my life and putting the misery behind me but it has caught up to me again and is taking over.

Warm thoughts and prayers always

*R.B*

Jante

6th October 2001, 10:41 PM

Dear RB, sorry I've not replied earlier, I've been busy with school. Sorry to hear the problems you are having with you husband. Can you change you phone number so at least he can't phone and hassle you or get an answer phone so you can screen your calls.
As far as friends go its difficult, at the end of the day they should be mature enough to make up their own minds. Just have to hope to make friends who don't know your husband.
My situation hasn't changed much. Husband still wants a divorce and still comes to see the children regularly. I thought I'd got over the worst of seeing him go every week but it hit me again tonight when he left and I sat crying. Problems with the children and their Dad now as they are finding it increasingly hard to relate to him. I'm also having major problems at work but can't leave as I need the money to pay the mortgage. Not a good week. Hope next week is better for both of us Jante

r_brindley

9th October 2001, 06:45 AM

Hi Jante,

Thank you for yur reply.. as always I appreciate you and the others in this forum for providing me with the strength to keep plodding on through the maze that is my life at present.

I am trying desperately to untangle this intricate web of deciet and betrayl that is my life but it is getting pretty tough.

I cannot change my phone number as it is in my flatmates name and I cannot expect her to do this just for me. My mobile screens the calls but my husband always manages to call from a number that I do not know and so i can't tell it's him.

I have offered to pay out half of his loan on the provision that he refinances into his name too so my name is taken off it... all he has to do is go to the bank but he just won't so it as he wants me to give him the money so he can spend it on whatever he likes.

He is now dragging my name through the mud by making up lies and rumours that are just outrageous and it is becoming extremely hard to defend myself against them as how do you fight another persons words... you are constantly fighting things you cannot see.

I am now broken in places that I did not ever imagine a person could break. But still I try.... that is all I can do, just keep grasping at the decreasing amount of straws that come my way in an effort to pull myself out of this darkness.

I am sorry to hear that things are still not changing for you. Are you and the kids still going to counselling? just keep smiling through and know that HE is the loser in all of this not you.. I know it is a small comfort in a large misery but if you can try to keep telling yourself this and surround yourself with trustworthy and supportive friends this will also help.

I wonder how lonely is going?

Bye for now

Warm thoughts and prayers always

R.B

Jante

10th October 2001, 08:29 PM

Sorry to hear things are so bad. I had a heart to heart with my husband last night when he was here to see the children. I had contacted a solicitor to check details fo finances etc. I then drew up a statement of what I could ask for but then told my husband I wasn't going to do anything else about it but trust him to do right by nme and the children. I also told him I wasn';t applying for a divorce beacuse I am still praying for our marriage to be healed and restored. He wasn't too thrilled but did hug me before he left. I can't offer any advice to you but can still pray for you Jante

r_brindley

24th October 2001, 02:07 AM

Hello everyone,

Just thought I would post an update.

My husband has been ringing me at work and at home and on my mobile to harass me for money.

It got to the point where he was so desperate for cash that he threatened to come around and "rip my !@#$%&* head off" if I didn't give him any. I refused as I know that it only goes up his nose and he then drove past my house and threw a rock at my car (he missed it thank god). I had to call the police and they said they could only warn him.

I have been in tears and I said to him "why are you doing this to me after all you have already put me through - haven't you hurt me enough?" and he just laughed.

He is being so cruel and the drugs have just changed his whole personality and he is starting to lose his grip on reality and become paranoid and delusional but doesn't see that he has a problem and won't seek help... he is also hanging out with a whole new group of so called friends who support and influence his new lifestyle.

I just want him out of my life now but whilstever I am on this loan and he won't refinance to get me off it I am still linked to him and he will continue to hurt me with his cruel words.

I always thought that it would give me some sense of satisfaction to see him suffer a little bit from his own foolish asctions - but the feeling I have is only despair and heartache watching him get swallowed up in his own madness... there are no traces of the man I met and fell in love with and married left - he is like a hostile, irresponsible out of control menace to both himself and me.

Anyway that is my update... I wish I had something more positive to report.

Lonely how are things with you.. any progress in any way with your husband or have you managed to make a clean break?

Jante how about you?

You are both still in my thoughts and prayers.

R.B

Jante

29th October 2001, 11:01 PM

Dear RB, Sorry to hear what a rotten time your ex is giving you. My own situation hasn't changed much. My husband still wants a divorce but I won't give him one. As far as I'm concernedI made my vows before God for life and as I still love him and we have the boys to think of I won't do anything in a hurry.
I still find it hard sometimes when he's been to visit and then goes. Especially as I know he has a girlfriend and I'm sure sometimes he leaves us early to see her.
My job is also causing me stress. As a teacher in a mdifficult school I long to find a different position but its hard to find one that will pay me enough.Oh well things can only improve. Keep in touch. Jante:(

r_brindley

6th November 2001, 02:26 AM

Hi there Jante,

I am so sorry to hear that things are not moving towards the resolution you had hoped for.

It seems as though yhour husband has definately made up his mind to make a life that involves you only as the mother of his children and not as his lifes partner - and this is sad. But as hard as it is going to be you must learn to try to let go - for your own sanity and happiness... there is no pleasure in watching him be happy when you are miserable.

Do you know his new girlfriend?

I really feel for you and hope you have family and friends there to support you.

As for me well today it has been 7mths exactly since my husband left me and it is a strange feeling I have... very hard to describe, it is like an ache more than a feeling - an intense hurt like a hard rock in my throat and stomach and this is mixed with bitterness and regret.

I know I could not take him back now but this is what really hurts the most - that I cannot envision ever being happy with him again. Too much has happened now for me to trust him but it makes me sad that it has had to end this way. I still think of all the good times we had... I wonder if I will ever stop having these nostalgic moments...

Well keep your chin up and try to stay positive that the future might hold great things - this is all you can do... stay positive.

Warm thoughts and prayers always

R.B

Jante

6th November 2001, 10:39 PM

Dear RB< Thanks for your reply. At the end of last week (Worst yet for me emtionally) I decided to stop all contact with my husband. I've told him he can see the children when he wishes but not in my home when I'm here. He has them once a month at his place and now he will have to arrange to take the children out whenever he wants to see them. I don't know his new girlfiend shes a work collegue of his. He left the other saturday 2 hours early fromhis visit with the children so he coulod go to be with her.
I've also had problems with the eldest son objecting to my discipline - he ended up spitting at me and hitting me- and school became too much for me so now I'm off sick for 2 weeks with stress. Feel such a failure but couldn't stop crying so I was o use in the classroom.
Well hope things improve for you soon love Jante.

r_brindley

7th November 2001, 02:03 AM

Hi there Jante,

Firstly let me say that I think you have made the right choice in distancing yourself from your husband now that he has moved on. It is also good that you have kept the children seperate from your own isssues with your husband.

I think your eldest child spitting on you is awful and I feel that perhaps his behaviour could be a way of expressing his own hurt and anger at the situation. He is probably feeling very confused and does not know who he can turn to as he sees you in just as much pain as he is and he feels he cannot speak to his father or you.

I suggest that you get some sort of mediation from a professional counsellor and also encourage your children to talk to you AND thier father about how they feel and let them know it is ok to be angry and hurt, but that exhibiting such disrespectful behaviour is just not on.

Also get some counselling for you too... & know that it is ok to fall apart some days... I still do. For example, I found a box of our wedding congratulation cards as i was searching for a cd I had lost last night and i stupidly sat and read them and just howled.... then my mum calls me to tell me that my younger half brother and his 4/12 month pregnant fiance are having twin boys.... now I am happy for them but it is kinda heartbreaking too as all my plans for the furture I envisioned with my husband have just dissolved before my eyes.....some days I just go right back to sqaure one - but my counsellor says this is ok - it is normal to take the mask off sometimes.

I also nearly had a car accident on the way to work this morning - a car swerved in front of me on the wet road and i put the brakes on and slid out. luckily I stopped just short of a tree and did not damage my car or anything else... but I just sat there and cried as my first instinct was to call my husband... and then sanity returned and I remembered - "oh yeah he is not with me anymore - we are seperated".. and so I just calmed down and drove to work without calling anyone.... some days it is the little things I miss like coming home and telling him about my day, or seeing something amusing on the TV that I know he would laugh at too. It is almost like he has died at times - the feeling of loss is that bad.

But oh well I will keep soldiering on and hope the good days soon overtake the bad. You must do this too - keep soldiering on - cry when you need to but know that another day will come and no-one can ever be certain what that day will hold so try to make the most of each day from sunrise to sunset.

Love, warm thoughts and prayers always

R.B

r_brindley

10th December 2001, 04:47 AM

Hello all,

Well the day has finally come for me... I have just been told that my husband is seeing someone else and my reaction has suprised me.

I thought by now that I would have been able to handle this a lot better than I am seeing as though I really don't want him back and cannot stand the person he has become.... but I am devastated.

My chest is literally hurting with heartache and I have a huge knot of emotion inside that I can only describe as unbearable... and i am at work so I have to act normal and hold it in when all I want to do is go home and cry.

Apparently this new woman is around 20years old (6 years younger than him and 5 years younger than me) and has two children... She is also apparently very pretty.

I feel sick to my stomach knowing that he told me he couldn't handle the responsibility of our marraige and yet he goes and starts a relationship with a single mother of two... perhaps it is my pride that is hurt the most.

I just can't bear to think of him with her - my pain is extreme. What if he reverts back to being the man I once knew - the nice husband that didn't do drugs etc - why can he change for her and not for me???

I know I am probably being irrational and that this won't last as he won't be able to handle the kids part of the equation in the long term so I should not be worried but for some odd reason I want to know who this woman is and all about her and I want to know what he has told her about me.... what lies has he told her about me is what I would really like to know - or does she even know I exist?

Hope all is well with you all I just had to check in and give this latest update.

Love and best wishes to all

R.B

Jante

10th December 2001, 07:09 PM

Dear RB , How I feel for you and I do understand the pain and jealousy . I've felt all that and its really hard to put it aside at times. My husband has a new girlfriend and is even talking of introducing the boys to her. He is also moving to live in lONDON ADS HIS NEW JOB IS THERE AND YTET IN THE PAST HE insisted in commuting weekly rather than live there with me.
Having said all that I havre gone back to seeing him when he comes to see the children as it was too hard to not do so. Hope things get better for you soon |Jante

Jante

29th December 2001, 11:18 PM

Just wanted to wish you happy new year RB and hope its better than last.
Have had a good christmas with my husband and the children and although hes gone now I'm looking foirward to a positive new year with good things for us all. Hope all went well with you.

r_brindley

14th January 2002, 01:51 AM

Hey there Jante,

Thankyou for the Christmas and New Year Wishes - I spent time with my dad and had 4 weeks holiday from work so I am feeling very refreshed.

I have seen my husband a few times and have found out that he is no longer seeing the women with two children but he is now seeing some other women who is a friend of a mutual friend.

I have been doing things to feed my soul and I really do not want him back but at the same time it angers me that he is so happy and things are going so well for him and I cannot seem to find inner peace.

I watched our wedding video the other day and I suprised myself as I only creid during the vows and when I got to his speech I just got angry as he had said "throughout the years of our relationship there have been many changes but one thing has remained constant - our love for each other"... the lie just made me sick.

I am looking forward to a year of suprises and opportunities and hopefully great things will come my way.

I hope all is well with you too and keep smiling and stay in touch.

Love and Best wishes for the New Year and always

R.B

Unregistered

22nd February 2002, 06:03 AM

Dear jante& brindley,

I just looked through a year of your posts and so much of what I read touched my heart and I felt that you were describing my feelings...What I want to say I guess that we are never alone in our experiences and pain.I try to take courage in that and Knowing that God is there all the time for everybody..

It,s been a while since any of you wrote anything.I hope that some good things happened in your life.do write and share.
Marie

I

Jante

22nd February 2002, 10:00 PM

Hi, yes it helps to know that God is there. I have come to the belief that God wants me to stand for my marriage and pray for my husband to return to Him and then to come back to me and the family. It isn't easy and at times I get down but when ever I want to give up something (OR sOMEONE) keeps me going.Hope you find encouragement. Jante

r_brindley

27th February 2002, 01:31 AM

Hello to you all,

Marie I thank you so much for your lovely sentiments, it helps to know that by sharing my innermost thoughts and drawing support from all that have shared in this post with me that I have been able to help others feel supported too.

What first caught my eye and compelled me to reply was the title of Lonely's post "I wish he would come home" as this was exactly how I felt at the time and it seemed as though her words were exactly my feelings and she was at the same seperation stage as myself.

I wonder how things are going for you lonely and where you are at with things now.. I will never forget this forum and the support it has given me.

Jante I hope you are well too and I admire your courage in not giving up despite all that has happened. Have you had much progress with things?

As for me well it has almost been a year since my husband left me and it still hurts deeply at times, but it is getting easier.

He has a girlfriend and as I was driving past the local mall on saturday he was driving past in the other direction with her in the passenger seat... she is beautiful - tall blue eyes clear skin and tanned typical beach beauty.

I called him at work to ask him what his intentions re filing for divorce were and to discuss some other financial matters and I told him I had seen him driving in the car with her and I asked if it was his girlfriend.

He said that it was and she was very nice. I told him that I was happy for him but the words just came out and I really do want him to be happy but it still tears my heart out sometimes.

He had a general conversation with me and told me that he had just come back from a hunting trip in the outback and that he will soon be moving out of where he has been staying this whole year with some new friend he has just met that lives next door to where he lives now.

I do not know what he plans to do for furniture as he has no bed etc and has been lucky up until now as everything has Been provided for him.

It is weird talking to him as he tells me things like he really wants me to know but he never ever asks how I am or what i have been up to and I really don't think he cares.

he never calls me unless it is to ask for money - which thankfully he has not been doing for a while now. He has no contact with me unless I call him and even then he only seems to talk to me about his life as if nothing has happened - as though it is all ok.

But I am moving on, I do not want a relationship with anyone else as I do not feel ready for this yet - but I am not niave enough to think that my husband is ever coming back - too much has changed now for it to ever work and he has made my father and my relatives despise him so much that it would be impossible even if he did want to come back.

Although I am not deeply religious - I do pray to spirit and I have prayed for change but i realise that you can't make someone love you - they have to feel that for themselves and if they truly don't love you or want to be with you no amount of praying etc will bring them back.

That is not to say that I have lost my faith - I believe all things happen for a higher purpose and there is a light at the end of every dark tunnel we must pass through in our lives - I am creating my own happiness and letting go of that which I know will not be.

Best wishes to you all and please keep in touch via this forum and I still think of each and every one of you that has supported me with your advice and kind words.

Love
R.B

Jante

27th February 2002, 11:09 PM

Hi RB and Marie,
Things continue as normal. He comes and visits the children twice a week and we spend pleasant times together no heavy discussion of outr relationship just really friendly chats. He told me the other day about his new girlfriend being made redundant!!
He did complement me on my new hairstyle the other day. He had always wanted me to weart my hair long but I've had it cut in a really short style and it was the first time in 18 months he said I looked really nice!
Have found three really helpful sites recently alongside this one- Rejoice Ministries, Marriage Builders and Divorce Busters.
I will continue to pray and work towards a restoration of my marriage. Glad to hear you are beginning to turn your life around. Jante

r_brindley

20th March 2002, 05:09 AM

Hello all,

Well an unexpected development has happened in my seperation and I'm not sure how to read it.

For the last week my husband has been calling me at work and on my mobile not to harass me for money but just to talk.

He tells me all about what he has been doing on the weekend and all about different things and just has a good old chat to me and he has started asking me what I have been doing and what I am up to and acts genuinely interested in my responses.

I don't know what to make of all this and I haven't asked him as the issue of seperation is never broached and it is like he doesn't even think it is an issue he just acts like all is well and we are best buddies or something.

He is no longer into the drug scene he tells me (thank God) and he just called me 1hr ago and asked if I still had his diving equipment. I told him I have and he asked if I could bring it over to his house. I told him that I would feel uncomfortable going there as I no longer talk to the people he lives with. He asked if he could come to my house to bring it to me and stupidly I said yes.

The problem is my flatmate has helped me through all the heartache of the past 11mths I have been seperated from him and she absolutely LOATHES him!!!!! so I know she will go ballistic if he turns up and yet I didn't know what else to do.

I really do want to see him and talk - I don't really even know what I am hoping to acheive or what his motives are but I just see this as a breakthrough and I figure my flatmates being there and her reaction could ruin the whole thing.

What should I do?? I have a huge knot of anxiety right now.

R.B

Jante

20th March 2002, 08:33 AM

Hi there glad to hear you appear to be having a breakthrough in your situation.. I can understood how your friend may fell but he is your husband and you must do whtat seems right to you. If you want to persue the possibility of making sense of thye last year and possibly even reconciling that you must do it what ever your friend thinks. Try to arrange for him to come for his diving equipment when she isn't there so you won't have her making things more diffficult.Hope it all goes well love |Jante

Dave

20th March 2002, 06:50 PM

Hi Rachael

Well I'm glad top hear too that there is some communication. Why not just load his gear into your car and agree to meet at a bar or cafe somewhere - any neutral territory will do - that way you are both on neutral ground

dave

r_brindley

21st March 2002, 07:25 AM

Hi Jante and Dave,

Well I had called my husband back at his work and asked him to come around at 8.30pm as I knew my flatmate would be out then. Well he agreed. So I sat anxiously waiting.

Now the thing is my husband knows my address but has never been to or seen the house I am staying in.

So it comes to 8.30 and I hear his car slow down out the front and then take off again as if he is looking for the address. I ran outside but he had already taken off down the street. I thought he would call me or do another lap of the street to check the address or get out of his car and look at the numbers on the letterboxes or something but after 30mins it was obvious he had either chickened out or given up and gone home.

I tried to call him to ask what was going on but the calls just went to message bank. I have not heard from him or tried to call him today and I am not sure what to make of his strang behaviour.

Now I am worried that he might try to find it again without warning and he might just turn up when my flatmate is home.

I know you are right Jante and that I should not care what anyone else thinks of him but the sad part is I need to look at him without rose coloured glasses now as he really has hurt me and in all the love respect and trust I did have for him have been stripped away by the heartache and cruel things he has said and done to me in the last year.

I would like to think that I can forgive him and have at least a friendship with him but I don't know if this would help or hinder my healing and moving on process.

Dave what do you think? from a guys point of view do you think he may have just spooked out and gone home? and what do you think my next move should be?

Best wishes to you all

R.B

r_brindley

25th March 2002, 05:49 AM

Hello all,

Well after my last post I had another text from my husband asking if he could come around and get his diving gear. well my flatmate and her boyfriend were at home so I sent a text back saying "sorry now is not a good time - I waited for you to come the other night - what happened?"

he then text that he had tried to come around but couldn't remember the house or see my car and so he left. I asked text to ask him what time his lunch break was at work and he text back saying " I don't really get a lunch break but any time after 12pm is usually fine" I then told him that I would bring his diving gear to him.

So I sdstook his gear to him on Friday (my day off from work) and he seemed please to see me and although he did not introduce me to the other staff memebers that I had not met before they all were looking at me with great curiousity and it was almost like he was proud that I had come to see him.

He came outside to my car and talked to me for an hour! it was not even a real lunch break for him he just talked. the only thing is neither of us mentioned our seperation or divorce or his new girlfriend.

He was telling me all about what he has been up to and he told me that he no longer takes drugs and he even told me how much he weighs now (he has put on wieght so I guess he isn't doig the drugs and he looked good too).

He complimented my new figure and then he told me that he was going out on Saturday night and he told me where he was going and he asked me what i was doing. I told him that I had no plans but I might be up where he was going and he said "well hopefully I will see you out".

He told me all about how he is in a band now and he showed me all his new car accessories and it was almost like he was flirting with me!!!????

I then said goodbye to his workmates and told him I had better go and to take care of himself and hopefully I would catch up with him again soon.

I have decided not to tell my friends or family that I saw him and talked to him as I know they will all try to talk me out of seeing him again if the opportunity comes up.

I did go out to where he said he would be on saturday night but I could not see him there and I did not want to call him so that he thought I went there just to see him.

I have decided that I am not going to call him I am going to let the ball stay in his court as he has made a small move by not arguing with me but still I am very suspicious now after all he has said and done to me.

WHAT DO YOU ALL MAKE OF THIS - ESPECIALLY DAVE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW. ANY ADVICE OR INTERPRETATION OF HIS BEHAVIOUR IS WELCOME.

love to you all

R.B

Jante

25th March 2002, 07:21 PM

Hi RB it certainly sounds like he may be interested inyou again but I think you are right to leave it up to him to make contact again. Don't seem desperate for his company and make sure you carry on with your own life. Hope it works out as YOU want.
My own situation continues much the same. Hubby is living with his girlfriend but comes to see the children twice a week. I have stopped spending every moment qith him and started doing my own thing more when he is here. I have decided on a three prong attack- Pray for God to open his eyes and see what he is losing, make myselkf as attractive as possible not only to him but for my own self worth and to continue to post cards etc to him and send pleasant emails etc, that makes me the Other WEoman and it may cause his girlfriend to get jealous and start arguing ' love busting' with him. May not work but at least I'll know I did all I could to asave my marriage.
Jante

Dave

25th March 2002, 09:41 PM

Hi all

Well RB, you asked for my views as a guy - I have to say I have never been in his territory, but....

- it looks to me that your hubby may just be playing around - after all, you say in an earlier message that he knew the address yet on the night he just "forgot"??
- his behaviour strikes me as that of someone who is fundamentally very insecure. First he marries you, then he wants cars and "boys toys", then its a mistress, then its drugs - now he wants to show you the gadgets on his car and start to flirt with you again!! All these are ways for him to try to assure himself that he is manly/desirable, when deep inside he's struggling with insecurity (and maybe some rejection)
- if you really want your marriage back (and believe me, we are all rooting for you here) then at some point he is going to have to face up to the fact that he can't manipulate you (and the rest of the world) to feed his insecurity.
- to get there he will need some help... and your unconditional love - that's the tough one - taking the risk to forgive when the chances are that he'll just turn on you again - that's where you have to live by faith, not by the usual rules of give and take.

I actually think Jante has hit the strategy about right:-
- pray - not just for him to see what he's losing, but also to realise that he is special and valuable without all the manipulative stuff
- work on your own self image, both on staying fit and attractive, but also taking time to really understand yourself - after all this is going to take a lot of time and self belief, and may involve getting hurt again (and again)
- keep affirming him, reaching out in love, and strictly banishing all thoughts of vengeance or getting even. If you can offer him pure unconditional love, even his blind eyes will one day see what he has walked away from.

I've stayed away from offering "advice" on this thread for a long time as I have so admired the way you, Jante and Lonely have supported each other. I also did it because I was afraid that what we would have to say might just be too tough to bear - but now I'm just beginning to believe that maybe you can actually work this right through.

You are in our thoughts and prayers as always

Dave

Jante

25th March 2002, 10:44 PM

Dave thanks for your encouragenment here- although we help each other its helpful to hear how it seems from the 'outside'. Thankyou also for your email on 23rd it was a real boost for me. Jante

r_brindley

28th March 2002, 06:54 AM

Dear dave and Jante,

I just want to thank you both from the bottom of my heart for being there for me in my time of confusion. Dave your response to my post brought me to tears.....i so needed this male point of view as I have not told my father of this new development as i am afraid of how he will react and so I have kept it to myself.

I am sorry this post will be a very long one.....

Reading your words I saw the blinding truth that I guess I have always known but did not want to face.

- My husband is playing around with my feelings - and it hurts. He has always been very good at manipulating me and the world and I guess i have always let him because whilstever he is getting what he wants like a spoilt little child he is happy - well outwardly he appears happy anyway and it makes me happy to see him happy.

My councellor once said that he is searching for the fulfillment of unmet childhood dreams and has elevated me to "mother status" a role I resented and a role he subconciously wanted but consciously resented.

I wish he would seek conselling not just for us but for himself.... but I am afraid to broach to subject with him as in the past I have and I have met with only hostility - he is very afriad of facing his demons.

I think it goes way back to his childhood when his father passed away when he was 8yrs old. I think his father may have been a lovely affectionate man and once he was gone my husband was left with his mother - who did not even let him go to his own fathers funeral. She is a very cold and unemotional person who I have never heard tell any of her children she loves them or ever seen comfort her children with a hug or anything even in times of grief - if anything she ridicules them.

His 4 other siblings are 10yrs and more older than him and because they are not at all close (when I first met him he hadn't seen his eldest brother in 7 years) he was and is left without the love he so desperately needed and perhaps he feels he has to manipulate in order to get what he wants materially and emotionally.

I don't know if this is the core reason he behaves the way he does and it is not any excuse at all for what he has done to me...

BUT in order to forgive my husband I am trying to ask God to help me to understand it and get him to seek help for his behaviour.

I have suggested counsellung before to him but he just closes off and literally runs away, and I feel afraid to broach it now which is strange because I would have though it would be easier now that we are being civil but it is actually harder.

It is almost as though it is an unspoken rule that we do not mention our seperation when we speak. I have seen him at his work to give back his diving gear ( I took the nuetral territory advice Dave) and we talked and even laughed together about everything BUT our seperation.

It is like he has drawn an invisible line to protect his comfort zone and whilstever I am not crossing it by bringing up us he will be nice - again another form of manipulation I guess.

I am finding it easy to work on my own self image - to be truthful I have never felt better about myself than i do now I am going to the gym and have gotten back into shape.

My problem is that I know what my husband is doing to me..... I know WHAT he is doing - I just don't know WHY he is doing it or HOW to combat it.

I will try to keep praying and re-affirming him and i am already starting to forgive - but I am not sure that I can forget and this scares me... he has hurt me so much and I can't even talk to him about it as I don't want to push too hard.

I feel that it has to be a 50 -50 thing and he has to try too and by that I mean I would really like him to tell me how he really feels beyond the mask of materialism and childlike flirting etc... but how I get to that stage I am not sure maybe it is just that I need a little patience....

Thankyou again for your response - i will keep you all posted.

Warm thoughts and prayers always

R.B

Dave

28th March 2002, 10:01 PM

Hi RB

Thanks for your kind words on my last posting - I hope I don't blow it now!! I wanted to go back to the hard part of what I said last time.

You have confirmed that your husband is indeed suffering from some deep insecurity and rejection dating back to his childhood - loosing a Dad is tough at any age - at age 8, and in the circumstances you describe, it's little wonder that he is wounded, and so seeks desparately to protect himself from the pain. Nor is it surprising he doesn't want to face into it with a counsellor.

I think the tough part is in how you choose to respond. Much of the second half of your post talks of wanting him to change, of a "50-50" proposition. You also talk of praying, and of God, so perhaps because its Easter you will let me ask some hard questions?

- As God looked down on Jesus dying on the cross, do you think He said "I'll forgive them if they'll meet me half way"?
- When He looks at you (or me) with all our faults and failings, do you think He says "I'll love you if you change", or "I love you anyway, so much I'll let my son die to set you free"?
- When you made your marriage vows did you promise "I will if you will", or simply "I will"?

You are called to love unconditionally - something most people never really grasp (and certainly not with the pain that you are facing). The good news is that in your faith you have access to the resources to do it.

There is a wonderful part of the story of Don Quixote (told in the musical 'The man of La Mancha') about a whore called Aldonza - she sees herself as despicable, dirty and downtrodden, yet in her Don Quixote sees his beautiful bride. She rejects him utterly - yet by the end of the story she is transformed into the beautiful Dulcinea, his queen, by the power of his love. You have the love in you to reach beyond your husbands pain and to show him that inspite of his fears, his manipulation, and his cruelty to you, that he is forgiven, and valued, and can be whole.

You talk about needing to understand so that you can forgive - I challenge you to forgive first - and then let the understanding grow. You don't have to be a doormat to forgive - it's simply a decision to set aside the pain that he has caused you, not to weigh it against him, and to decide to see him as the wounded loveable child that he is, and to reach out in love to start to serve his needs. He will lash out, act like a child, manipulate, and generally try to cause pain - but you can be the adult, the one who just sees this as the thrashing of a wounded spirit and go on loving. Set aside your desire for him to go to counselling - simply let the power of your love do the healing - believe me, it works!

To do this you need a friend. I would really encourage you this weekend to try to find a good Christian friend, maybe a minister, who can help you understand your faith because that is the one sure foundation for this course of action. I really would encourage you also to try to talk this through with your family - they may well think the course of action is wrong - but you are not asking for their judgement, but for their mature loving support for their daughter in a course of action you want to take. If you want a couple of books to help, take a look at Inside Out (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/insideout/) and Marriage Builder (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/marriagebuild/) by Larry Crabb

Many will say that what I have said is madness - actually the whole concept of unconditional love is madness to many in the world!! Strange that most people aspire to marriage, and make vows that actually call them to madness - yet that is the heart of marriage!!

I titled this post "The hard part" - now you see why - but our prayers will stay with you throughout

Dave

Unregistered

1st April 2002, 03:56 AM

Unless your husband is willing to work on your marriage as much as you are, and work as hard to change a relationship that didn't previously work as you are, you then embark on what I call "Selling Your Soul". You go into the bargaining stage. You try to bargain with him to come back, and you even try to bargain with God................

The rest of this article has been deleted as its posting breaches copyright. You can read it in full at http://home.att.net/~velvet-hammer/divorcerecovery.html

Dave

r_brindley

3rd April 2002, 03:51 AM

Thankyou Dave for your words of wisdom,

I do see your point of view regarding unconditional love - I just don't know how that giving this is going to help rebuild a marraige with my husband.

I do love my husband unconditionally and I am starting to forgive him - but what good will this do if he does not love me unconditionally and want to come back - I can't MAKE him want to return even though it seems that he is perhaps considering what he has done.

I have not heard from him since my last post which details our brief interaction. I have not called him as I do not know what to say - I do not want to push.

My husband is as stubborn as a mule and he cannot stand organised religion - so to get him to seek help from anything that remotely resembles someone who might preach God to him - a counsellor or pastor etc - well he would run a mile to say the least.

I do pray but I do not profess to follow any particular denomination of religion. I do not attend church but I do pray every day and I know that the higher power is listening to me and I am comfortable with that.

I really do believe looking at each person in a wholistic and non-judgemental manner and taking into account thier backgrounds and personal circumstances when trying to understand thier ways is what I am meant to do in this life...

that is what I am trying to do with my husband- treat him with the love and respect I expect to receive.

However I am starting to wonder if trying to save this marriage is in my best interest because it takes two to want to save it really and I don't know whare I stand with him or if he really wants to save our marraige too.. and I certainly don't know what my next move should be.

I did take your advice and I spoke to my family who are all adament that taking him back would be a big mistake after all he has put me through. My father is especially hostaile towards the idea. I just know that I would hurt so many people who have supported me through this seperation if I went back to him and this knowledge leaves me torn as of course I would love for a miricale to happen and to have the husband I always wanted back in my arms.

I have come to a standstill and I don't know what to do. I really feel so vulnerable and unable to cope with this confusion.

Love and best wishes to you all always

R.B

Jante

3rd April 2002, 09:09 AM

Hi RB ansd sorry that you are in such a miuddle. Would say that in my opinion only you can decide whether to try to get back with your Husband and it must be your decision based on how you ewant to live your ife not based on whtever any one else thinks. My mum is very hostile to my husband when they meet but it doesn't make me want to NOT get back with Husband. And I wuill face her feelings if and when the time comes. Perhaps you husband needs to fell unconditinal love to fewel whole and then he may respond to you. TTake your time to find where you eant your future to be. Jante

Jante

3rd April 2002, 10:40 PM

Apologies just reread post and realised how many mistakes I made- I was in a hurry before leaving for work.
Jante

r_brindley

10th April 2002, 06:23 AM

Hello all,

I have titled this post "please help me" as my situation is now more confusing than ever.

I had been liasing via text messages with my husband and just general chit chatting - still no talk about us.

My mobile phone beeped just before 5pm last night and I thought it may have been him -

HOWEVER - it was a text message from his new girlfriend that said "hello this is *****'s new girlfriend, could you please leave him alone as he is mine now and he is too nice to tell u himself - just erase his number from your phone as you won't be needing it"

I was totally dumbstruck and I called him at work and told him about the text message and asked him how she got my number and asked if it was true that he did not want to speak to me... he said "you can speak to me any time you like - don't worry I will sort this out" I told him good because i do not need the stress and he should tell her that. I also asked him if he was living with her and he said "no she is just my missus (aussie slang for girlfriend) and that he had only been with her 1 1/2 mths.

I got home from work (I could hardly drive I was crying that much) and I decided to call her to talk.

I asked her exactly what her problem was and she basically abused me and said that she wanted me to leave my husband alone that he is not with me anymore he is with her and she is way better than me and all sorts of nasty things. I told her that he may not be with me anymore but I still am legally married to him and therefore still his wife. She hung up on me.

Then the strangest thing happened - I received another text from her that said "i do not want to fight can we please be friends just for *****'s sake and can I meet with you to talk on Friday??

I told her I would think about it and to call me on Friday but I don't know what to do!!!!! What do you all make of this and do you think I should meet with her and if so what do I say?? she obviously is not going to give my husband up without a fight and I am sad as I was just starting to get somewhere with talking to him civily and I was at the stage where i was ready to ask him to meet with me in a mutual setting to talk about us but now this has happened I don't know what to do.

he has told me previously that his relationship with her is "not that serious" but she obviously thinks it is and now I feel I can not call him as she might be there or she might make it all hard for him and turn him away from me.

Please tell me what to do - I did not ask for this seperation and just when I take two steps forward with my husband now this puts me ten back - should I just stay away and forget about it?

I'm so depressed and confused and my strength to go on is waning.

Love and prayers to you all

R.B

Unregistered

10th April 2002, 11:34 PM

Dear RB sorry to hearb you are having such a difficult time. In my humble opoinion you should not meet with her or have conversations with her - your Husband has said he will deal with her and youcan continue to talk to him. If you have contact with her you don't know how she will twist it to husband. Also if she continues to show such possiveness to your husband it may well quickly finish things between them. I would leave well alone with her but continue any contact with him as long as you are confortable with it. Jante

r_brindley

11th April 2002, 02:56 AM

Thanks Jante,

You don't know how desperate I was for advice on this!! I guess I am a bit bewildered by the whole thing. I thinkk I might just tell her that I am not comfortable talking with her - but then I am a bit worried about doing this as I do not want to come across as bitchy to my husband but then again I do not want to play best buddies with this woman either.

I have not heard from my husband yet and I am a little bit hesitant to call him as this has really shaken me up. This woman really means business by the sounds of things and I know that if she becomes too controlling or possessive he will be right off her but I can't stand not knowing where I stand with him - should I just have some patience and let him come to me or call me or do u think that will give the other woman more time to get her claws in if I leave him alone?

How do u interact with your husbands new girlfriend if u don't mind me asking. How long has he been with her now and do u think he really likes her? has he made any move towards coming back to you?

I'm sorry to ask so many questions Jante I just have never been in this position before and never really thought I would be and I'm losing strength with this ongoing battle.

love and prayers always

R.B

Dave

11th April 2002, 09:10 AM

Hi RB

Sorry not to have been in touch for a while...

My advice, for what it's worth, would be to consider writing a gentle letter to your husband. A letter has the advantage that you can think through what you want to say, and how it comes over without the confusion of his reactions or your emotions getting in the way.

You might simply say to him:-
- that you want to keep in touch with him, and all that's happening in his life, but would prefer not to be interacting directly with other ladies in his life;
- that you still love him and value him whatever the pain and the cost to you;
- that you will always hold him in your heart as your husband, whatever eventually happens between you.

As you write, I'd try to recall the good and happy times, the special (and hurting) person you know him to be. Write to him as an adult, in the kind of relationship you want it to be, not in the squabbling hurtful tone that perhaps the relationship slipped into. Write to him with your heart filled with the unconditional love I wrote about previously.

The letter doesn't want to be long, just a simple message to deal with the immediate issues; my last paragraph is about the tone and your mind, not the content of the letter!!

With love

Dave

Jante

12th April 2002, 07:19 PM

HI RB, don't mind answering your question. I have no interaction with Husbands gf. they have been together since August from what he has said and so far although he has suggested she meets the boys it hasn't happened as they don't want to meet her. He remains friendly with me but seems contentt with situayion as it is. I'm not happy with it but neither do I want a divorce. I am working on making the most of myself for me and poraying that God will show him how wrong he has been.
Daves suggestion about a letter sounds good idea. Jante

r_brindley

16th April 2002, 03:26 AM

Hi Dave and Jante,

Thankyou both for your responses and advice. Unfortunately the update on my situation is not good....

I did not get the chance to tell my husbands girlfriend that I did not want to meet with her as I woke up to a barrage of text messages from my her on my mobile phone on Friday morning.

The first one said "nothing this afternoon except 4 seeing u. I would prefer it if you did not meet with (my name) as I just want to b with u and not have 3rd parties involved.. I luv u and I miss u angel c u soon."

the second one said "that was the message that ***** sent me - sorry darls as u can see he doesn't want me meeting with u as he is totally in love with me and u are irrelevant to him"

I was devastated... I did not need to see that messages my husband is sending her!!!! he never used to call me angel - babe or honey yes but never angel.

I called him at work and I asked him if he had really sent this and he said yes that he had sent it to her but he was not impressed that she had forwarded it on to me.

I asked him why she was doing this when he was supposedly not serious about her and he said "it wasn't that serious before but we have decided to make it serious - she has now met my mum and most of my family".

I said to him that I was not trying to cause trouble for him that I just wanted him to be happy and I asked him what he wanted to do as far as filing for divorce....

he told me that he would be filing soon that he had car rego and moving costs to come up with first.

I asked him if he still wanted me to keep contact with him and he said "yes u can call me at work at any time and if u send messages to my phone she won't know who they are from now as I have ur name under something else in my phone." I told him that I did not want to have contact with her that I just wanted to speak to him about us. He said he had to get back to work and i said "ok I will let u go".

I did sort of take ur advice about the letter dave but it was in the form of a text message.

After I hung up the phone from my husband I cried buckets of tears. I then composed a text message and sent it to him. It said:-

"I just want u to know that I am not trying to cause u heartache but your girlfriend should understand that i still care for you a lot and I never asked for any of this and I want u in my life I mean neither her nor u any harm"

I sent this on Friday and today is Tuesday and I still have had no response. I am broken now more than ever as it seems that he does not want me back after all that he is making a new life with this new woman and I am just an inconvenience.

I am praying for him to see that I love him with all my heart and for him to acknowledge that and come back to me but I just don't know what else to do....

I pray that your own situations are better than mine.

warm thoughts and prayers always

R.B

Jante

23rd April 2002, 08:44 AM

Sorry not to have been back to reply RB. Hope things are slightly easier for you now. If you do want him back/to be friends with him then I should maintain non threatrning contact by letter text ad phone call- just be happy cheerful self. Hide any pain til you are away fromhim. If gf continues to hassle find some way of cutting contact, =change mobile no and use an answer machine to screen calls. She will destroy her own position ewith him if she remains so possessive. JANTE

r_brindley

24th April 2002, 01:16 AM

Hi there Jante,

I have not heard any more from my husbands GF but my brother said that he ran into them down at the local shopping mall and my husband just came up and talked to my brother like every-thing was all normal and he introduced his new GF and just talked about cars, and life etc but our situation was not mentioned.

My husband has NEVER in the last year attempted to explain why he left to any of my family least of all me and when he sees any of my family he just acts all normal as though he has no conscience.

I won't allow my family to tell him what they really think of him so they are forced to bite thier tongues and therefore he feels that they are ok with his decision I guess.

I have spoken to him again ( I called him at his work) I just asked him how he was and he told me he has the flu and I also asked about his car etc and all the things I know he likes to talk about... i did ask if his new girlfriend had been giving him any more grief about his contact with me and he said "no has she been hassling you again?" I told him no that she hadn't and he said "good because i pulled her aside and told her that you did not deserve that and I would not put up with it".

I told him that what she had said and done had hurt me very much and that I still care about him alot and that I just want him to be happy - I told him that she could not expect me to stop caring after 7 1/2 years and being married to him.

He said "yes I know" and that was all he said then he told me that he is moving in with another friend soon and that he is buying second hand furniture (apparently the girlfriend is not moving in with him). I told him to take care and that I would talk to him soon.

I have not heard from him and I feel that unless I make contact he won't or doesn't want too. maybe I should just give up and let go I seem to not be getting any further along towards reconciliation.

Still hoping and praying for you all

R.B

Jante

26th April 2002, 08:44 PM

Hi RB, Sounds like you have handled the whoole situation really well . Sorry its not positive as you might want but hope thinmgs continue to be peaceful for you.
My H has started coming earlier and staying longer. Not sure whats going on but I have the feeling him and gf has split . Hope I'm not being too optimistic. Jante

r_brindley

30th April 2002, 07:17 AM

Hi there Jante and everyone,

Jante i am glad to read tht your husband has started to stay longer with you when he visits - this can only be a good sign.

Do you talk about your seperation much? does he seem open to discussing a future with you or do you not broach that subjsect?

I have spoken to my husband on the phone twice now - in relation to our personal loan which he is again not paying.

He told me that the reason he cannot make the payments is that someone backed into the front of his car and left extensive damage. I told him that it was not the banks problem what happened to his car that the loan had to be paid and despite my own financial hardship I was still meeting my end of the deal.

He thanked me for doing this and told me that he will be putting money on it soon. He asked me how I had been and also he asked me if I had any old photo's he could have - he said his friends wanted to see old photo's of him but I do not believe this is the reason he asked - I think he wants them himself for memories sake... well at least that is what I am hoping is the case.

he also asked me if I knew where his reading glasses were - now he has had 1 year to ask for these but he asked for them now as he states that he is getting migraines - it is like he is wracking his brain for reasons to stay in touch with me but at the same time he still has this girlfriend and she doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

I asked him if she is pushing him to file for divorce and he sqid "no" and he sid not seem to want to talk aboput whether or not he intended to file.

I also made a comment about our seperation and he just clams up every time I mention it. He literally acts like it never happened in the sense that he acts like we were never married and that he just seems to ignore what he has done and shuts down completely when me or anyone else reminds him that he left me.

I have told him to call me when he feels ready to come around and get his glasses and the photos but he just saiys "yes ok I will thank-you" and then doesn't call or come around. I am always wondering where I stand and to my knowledge he does not want me bakc but it is like he still wants me in his life to some extent I just don't know what my purpose is supposed to be - I am doing all the things dave suggested - the unconditional love etc but I am gettng NOWHERE!!! and it is so frustrating.

DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ADVICE ON HOW I CAN GET SOME ANWERS WITHOUT PUSHING HIM FURTHER AWAY???????

I keep waiting for him to bring up the subject of us or talk about old times but he doesn't really.

still plodding on.

warm thoughts and prayers to you all

R.B

Unregistered

2nd May 2002, 06:09 AM

I have been reading your posts and wondered if you could possibly get him on his own somehow - set up an appointment to talk about organising the divorce (this is just a front to get him on his own). Having been with him for quite a few years, surely you can ask him up-front if there is any chance of reconciliation between you both. Tell him he is sending mixed messages by staying in touch and communicating over irrelevant matters.

Without sounding too harsh, maybe things aren't too good for him at home with the other woman and he is hedging his bets - if either you or her walk away, he'll have the other one waiting. On a brighter note, he really can't be too happy with her if he is filled with uncertainty. She'd probably have a diabolical fit if she knew - take some comfort in that (I mean that with a sense of humour) - bitterness is not something you should be aiming for.

If he says he doesn't want to reconcile, then you know for sure and can make the necessary arrangements to get your life in order once and for all. If he does want to get back together then you can talk about that.

If it were me, I probably wouldn't tolerate any uncertainty from him, as in he's not sure how he feels etc, it seems he has had long enough to work it out. Take control of your life and move forward. If he loves you and wants to be with you, then that will happen still if you are moving forward with your life. No matter how hard we all might wish, we can't make other people love us. If he doesn't, then move on and you'll meet up with someone who will love you. And you'll probably find you open yourself up to all sorts of possibilities. I am a true believer of when you finally close one door (not hang about in the doorway with it half-closed), another one WILL open. The next "thing" - whether it's a relationship, new job etc, won't happen until you've finished up with the last one. Finished. Closed. Over. In the past.

Bundle all his stuff together, mail it to him, and literally clear him out of your home. If it's meant to be, it will be. In the meantime your life is passing you by while you wait, and he is living his with someone else. Plenty of men in the world - go and find another one!!

r_brindley

15th May 2002, 03:43 AM

I have to say thankyou to the author of the last reply to my post....

What you said is so right, I do have to get him alone to talk about US and not let let him keep avoiding the issue.

I have to get the courage up to do this, I did have him come around to my place to get his stuff the other night and when he did I offered him to sit down and have a drink and a chat but he said that he had to get going as he was moving house (at 7pm at night mind you).

I told him that I still care and he did not even seem to want to acknowledge that I said that.... he just proceeded to tell me that he is no longer with the woman that sent me the abusive text messages etc - that he got sick of her!!! just like I thought he would!! so she dug her own grave by being so possessive and jealous of me.

BUT - he states he is now back with the woman he was seeing before x-mas - the one with the two children and he states he is happy with her and that they are going on holiday together and all - so this really broke my heart.

I have spoken to him via text about the loan as this is all he seems willing to communicate about but I am going to call soon and tell him that I want to to talk about us.....

I will keep you all posted.

Jante

15th May 2002, 10:50 PM

Hi RB sorry to hear how things are. I really feel for you as I know how hurtful it is when they are with someone else. NO advice I'm afraid except concentrate on doing things to make you fell good about yourself. Jante

r_brindley

21st May 2002, 06:39 AM

Hello all,

I am just writing to tell you all that I have now tried everything I can think of to save my marriage but it has all been in vain.

I spoke to my husband and broached the subject of us - only to be met with extreme withdrawl from him and a refusal to talk about us as and I quote " it makes no difference now - there is too much water under the bridge and I just don't love you anymore, I have moved on and our personalities are too different to make our marraige work"

I cried and I told him that I still care deeply for him and I just wanted the chance to try.

He told me that he was not prepared to try and that he still wants a divorce - I told him i do not want a divorce and would contest it.... he said that he didn't care.... I asked him when he was planning on filing and he said "when I get around to it" and then he promptly changed the subject to avoid talking any further on the issue and he just talked about his work and his car and his new girlfriend and basically it was like he was shutting down from what he didn't want to hear and that reality was so hard for him to listen to that he had to create the sound of some mindless chatter to shut it out.

THEN - to add insult to injury there is a picture of him and his new girlfriend in the social pages of the local paper having dinner and seeing a movie!!! I just cried when I saw it and I'm at work so it is hard.

I JUST CAN'T COPE WITH THIS!!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE THAT IS SO WRONG THAT HE CAN JUST WALK AWAY??

R.B

Jante

21st May 2002, 08:25 AM

Oh RB I feel so much for you. MY H is distant from me but at least I don't live in same town as him and he does still come to see the children and be friendly with me. I can only suggest that for now you concentrate on doing things to make you happy, get out and do things , meet with friends and have a laugh. You don't have to agree to the Divorce just work on beinging the person you want to be and keep praying. Jante

Unregistered

21st May 2002, 05:00 PM

You may have already read it, but I found the book "7 Steps to Save your Marriage", by Michelle Weiner-Davis (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/divorceremedy/) to be EXTREMELY enlightening. (She also wrote Divorce Busting). The second book is geared toward people whose spouse is "out the door." I refer to it often, as I too am facing a similar situation. It has helped me regain a sense of myself and my own wants and needs, and how to understand why things happen and how to best deal with them. Good luck to you!

r_brindley

22nd May 2002, 05:13 AM

Thankyou Jante and to the author of the other reply to my post,

I seem to be slipping back into an anxiety ridden state again where I have moments of intense sadness where I wonder where I went wrong, I feel like I am being punished. I have had other offers from male friends to start a relationship with them and one inparticular is patient but persistent that I am worth persuing but I even though he is a nice guy I still cannot bring myself to have feelings for him in case my husband changes his mind. I just can't imagine letting myself fall in love again and being hurt like this - besides I still love my husband.

I definately will purchase the book that was recommended in the reply to my post. I am desperate now - I have been patient for a little over 12mths now and I have had minimal results and my husband has now withdrawn from sending me text messages and phoning me and seems to be trying deliberately to distance himself from me.

I can't stand it. I am still doing things for me and I am currently saving my money for an overseas trip - no mean feat when I am also still paying 99.9% of our joint loan. So I am trying to focus on the future but I would dearly love to just sit and talk with him and even if we are not going to get back together as husband and wife - at least I may get some of the answers I so desperately need.... like does he miss me and does he have any favourite memories of us, why did he not want to try??? and so many others.... I know that I will probably never get this chance and this is what hurts the most - he has simply just cut me out of his life and it is like he wants to forget i even exist or that I once meant so much to him.

I have even tried to make a conscious decision to let him go but every time I hear the rumble of a V8 car coming down my street I hope and pray that it is him.... of course it never is.

R.B

Unregistered

10th June 2002, 11:15 PM

Hi RB sorry I haven't been back for a while. Hope you are feeling happier. I can recommend the books posted below and also the Divorce Buster web site. I have made a number of friends through it who live in England and we will be meeting up this w/e. I know what you mean about other men and having a new relationship. i have an old b.f who has invited me to dinner and although thats all it is I feel unsure. Hope you find peace through all this. jante

Dreamer

14th June 2002, 07:04 PM

I am new to this site, so bare with me.

I have been reading your threads. I am also going threw a similar situation. I have been with my husband for almost five years and married for about 6 months. I has been shakey for some time now and about a month ago, he told me that he is looking into getting a divorce. He says he doesnt love me anymore that I have destroyed anything that might have been possible in our future. At one point-2 wks ago, he went as far as to tell me that if he could afford to move out now he would. Unfortunatly, I have a drinking problem and he has a problem with being overly flurtatious with other women, to the point that when we go out I am left alone, his attention is given and focused on every other women but me. Both of these problems combined together have caused a lot of damage in our marriage. I have suggested counseling, but he says "what for, Im not even sure I want to be married to you, let alone be married to you for the rest of my life".

I have quiet drinking, started to go to counseling for myself, also attending CODA meeting on a weekly basis. I have asked him not to bring alcohol home, but he does, even invites people over to party. We go to friends houses for dinner and drinks(I drink water) and he doesnt understand why I am not having a hole lot of fun. I have asked him to be supportive, he says"this is just another reason why I want a divorce, I dont wont a wife that has these problems". Mind you I have had these issues since the day we met. I am trying very hard to stay level headed, not over react to my emotions and fears. I try to be very supportive, I try to find books, online help, anything I can, even looked into astrology. I have shared some of the helpful things with my husband only to get a non-emotional response.

My friend and family all see what is going one by the way he treats, and talks to me. He also flirts openly now even with other men(friends of ours) wifes, to the point they are coming to me with concern for there own wives. He constantly reminds me that he no longer loves me by his actions or lack of. In the past 2 weeks, I have been in so much pain, I cry all the time. I throw up all the time. My daughter is always asking me questions about me and my husband(not her real father). I feel like I am a loosing or have already lost my husband. Its very painful when you love someone very deeply and they could care less.

I try to keep myself busy, as much as posible, continuously wondering is he going to leave today, tomarrow ...... Financially neither one of us can move out, but he says as soon as its posible hes gone. I have requested that he wait until I am able to pay the bill myself and stay in the house where we are at. My daughter has gone threw enough. See 9 months ago, he asked me to move out, that he thought it was the best thing for us, 2 months later he asks me to marry him and that he want to spend the rest of his life with me. So I have requested that I stay, since I have done this before, and it would be worse on my daughter. He has put one of his trucks up for sale, and my gut tells me that as soon as he sales that, hes out, no matter if I can afford to stay or not.

I too still love my husband very much and I too want to save my marriage. Its very difficult coming home from work and wondering is he leaving today, his he mad at me, did I do something wronge again. Its very painful not to be able to hold his hand, kiss him when I just feel like kissing him, cant talk about our future, or just talk to him about things in my life. This hole thing just really stinks and I have no controll over any of it, let alone find ways to turn it around. I have no answeres, just lots of pain, sorrow and lonliness. Its very painful watch other couples being inlove, or seeing married couples work together and seeing all the things they have gotten together-cars, boats, house, children. We were suppose to be trying to have a baby this summer. All I can say is I am in a lot of pain and I cant seem to get away from it, I continuously want to crawl into acorner and never come out.

Like I said, I have no advice,but I want to thank you for telling your story, I hope you have better luck putting your marriage back together than I am with mine. I continue to hope that my husband will come around and see that we could, do have something to fight for. I picture a wonderful future for us, I just wish he could see it too.

Thanks again
Dreamer

r_brindley

17th June 2002, 08:50 AM

Hi there Dreamer,

thank you for sharing your story too. Although your issues are very different to mine I know the pain of trying so hard to save your marraige when yuor partner does not want to save it.

It is good that you are seeking help for your drinking problem, alcoholism is a serious illness that can not only destroy families and friendships but can also cause major health problems for you.

It is very sad that your husband is not being supportive of your efforts to recover, especially to the point where he brings alcohol into your home. His behaviour almost borders on cruel rather than inconsiderate.

If he is stating he wants out then my best advice is to let him go... but then show him that you are able to become a better person with or without him and this may be just what he needs to see in order to believe that things will be different if he stays in the relationship... at the moment he may feel that although you are taking positive steps towards recovery, that his social life that he perhaps once enjoyed may be affected and he is not willing to give this aspect of his life up - deep down he may resent that.

I feel that yoiu need to stay positive for your daughter and talk to him more when both he and you are in a clam frame of mind - try to introduce new fun things for the two of you that do not involve drinking - perhaps a walk in the park or a day out playing sport or watching a movie together... and also don't pressure him - show him that you can change not just for him but for you and your daughter.. you know what they say.. actions speak louder than words.

If in the end he does leave - let him go, perhaps time apart may give him a different perspective on the situation, and it will also give you time to focus on your own issues too.

Hope this helps.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

R*B*

r_brindley

25th June 2002, 07:26 AM

Hello everyone,

Just thought I would update you all...

I have not had any contact with my husband for a little over a month now - I have tried to phone him but he won't return my calls and my brother said he sees him all the time with his new girlfriend and her two children from a previous relationship... he was even carrying her youngest child on his shoulders and he stays at her house all the time... from all accounts he is happy with her and has moved on.

He has still not filed for divorce and nor have I. It breaks my heart but I know and have started to accept that it is too late now after 14mths for him and I to get back even a shred of what we had together, and more importantly he doesn';t want it back..

And so.... that is why I have decided to take up the offer of dinner with a good male friend who has been very persistent but patient. I am not sure where this will lead - certainly nothing too much at this stage but I figure that here is a man that appreciates me for me and is a lovely person and has a lot of great qualities so why pass up the opportunity for potential happiness and hold on to misery? so wish me luck as I finally close the door on my marraige and embark on this brave new adventure.

with love, warm thoughts and prayers always

R.B

jante

6th July 2002, 11:21 PM

Hi RB, Sorry not to have been back- I forgot to look and don't get the reminders any more.
Glad to hear that life is moving on for you and hope you enjoy dinner.
My H is living with his girfriend but still visits here every week to see the children and often invites me to join him and the children. However he recently said he expected we would end up divorced. I refuse to file for divorce and he can't unil next March when we will have been separated 2 years. Even then if I contest it he would have to wait 5 years. Can't say at the moment what i will do then- at the moment i still want to fight but am daily becoming more detached
I have started having plans ready so as not to always be available to go with him. Today i met up for coffee with a male friend who is facing a similar situation. We are both still hoping that pour respective spouses will come to their senses and return to their families. Hoewever it was good to have a laugh and a chat.
jante

r_brindley

17th July 2002, 06:32 AM

Hi Jante,

Thanks for your response. I do hope all is well with you since your last post. How are things progressing?

I have been spending time with the most gentle man, we have been going to the movies and for drives and on picnics and although it is totally platonic at this stage I am really having a good time and would like things to progress slowly. He knows all about my situation and is very supportive.

We went to a local park for a walk the other day and I stopped dead in my tracks and froze - up ahead of us was my husband and his new girlfriend and also another mutual friend and his girlfriend having a picnic - I was mortified. I turned around and grabbed my friends hand and said - "we have to leave" I could not control my reaction I just turned around and fled in tears. I was angry more than anything - not sure why exactly. My friend understoood and siad that he understands that I am still grieving the loss of my marraige and he totally understands. he is such a gem.

My husband did see me but looked at me with complete distain. I decided after that day that I do finally want this divorce so as to put a legal end to my marraige. I had tried to call my husband before this and he had not returned my calls and whenever I called him at work the receptionist always said she would check to see that he was in the office and then she would get back on to the phone and tell me that "Sorry he must be out on a delivery - can I take a message?" it was very obvious he didn't want to talk to me.

Then today I have been thinking a lot about getting a divorce as I do not feel right about seeing this man whilst I am still legally married - even though the friendship is totally platonic, I like him a lot and don't feel that it is fair to him to still be legally married to someone else.... and So...

I called and left another message for my husband today at his work for him to call me back.

He didn't call me back within 4 hours so I called his mobile and it rang out. Then my work phone rang and I picked it up stating the company name and my name it was my husband......

Well here's what my husband said after I had stated the company name and my name:

"who is this company? who am I talking to?"

i said " Is that you ****? it's Rachel I just called you on your mobile"

he then said (and this cut me like a knife)...

"Rachel who? I don't know any Rachel"

I was stunned and I said

"**** it's me - Rachel - your wife"

he then tried to make out his name was not ****! and that he was trying to call another company and must have the wrong number!

I could not believe my ears!! he was trying so hard to avoid talking to me that he was trying to pretend it wasn't even him and that he didn't know anyone by the name of Rachel and that he had dialled a wrong number!

I told him not to hang up that I knew it was him I said to him that I felt that he was trying to avoid me and I wanted to know why as all I was trying to do was initiate divorce proceedings as i wanted to move on with my life.

He said he wasn't trying to avoid me that he had just had heaps of prank calls on his mobile lately - I told him that it was not from me that i was not that immature.

He then said "so what do you want?"

I said I just wanted to sort out when we could make a time for the compulsory court ordered counselling we have to undergo before the courts grant a divorce (because we have been married less than 2yrs this is the law in Australia) and he stated that the next two weeks were not good for him and that he still wanted a divorce and would be filing "in the next few weeks".

I told him that I would split all the costs with him and that I am not going to claim anything as I don't want the process to be long and drawn out as I have had enough pain that I just want to move on. He said he is not going to claim anything either.

He really did not want to talk to me and it was so obvious... I told him that I would call him around the 12th of August and I asked him to please not ignore my calls. He said he wouldn't.

Well that is that - I guess I am out of sight and out of mind. I might be moving on and finding happiness again but I am not so callous as to forget my husband ever existed.

I don't want him back as I feel that it is too late now and I know he does not want to come back but I ended up in tears after i hung up as i couldn't believe he said "Rachel who - i don't know any Rachel" that just hurt so much.

So what do you make of this bizarre behaviour?

any feedback is welcome.

Love and prayers always

R*B*

Kate

17th July 2002, 11:56 AM

Your husband's behaviour is really hurtful, but it strikes me it's his way of handling the hurt from your break-up. People often think that if they just pretend the other person doesn’t exist it will be less painful. It's self-protective avoidance behaviour, but it doesn't allow them to face up to what has gone wrong and their judgements and feelings about it. It just buries it, so it can come out at some point later.

Whereas your response of facing the pain and working through it is a much healthier one. Having said all that it's still horrible to be rejected in that way by someone who you once entrusted yourself wholly and unconditionally to in marriage. We are so vulnerable when we marry and open ourselves up to another person. None of us can take your pain away, but we can say that we care and we read your words with great sadness.

Kate

jante

18th July 2002, 12:43 AM

HI RB Sorry your H is treating you in such an awful way- I suppose I should be glad that my H is treating me as a friend. I can only agree with what kate has said.
My situation has moved lightly, we are just at the start of the 6 week summer holiday for the children so i asked h to have them for more than the initial 1 week he had agreed to. My work only allows me 4 weeks a year and i have already taken half that in other holidays and have to save some for Christmas. His initial response was that he couldn't take any more time himself but that his g.f had offered to look after them in the daytime- 2but you don't want that" . I told him I'd never said that- it was the children who didn't want to meet her. To cut a lengthy story short we have arranged that H and the OW will meet the boys next Tuesday and then my H will take them for the weeks holiday already planned at the beginning of August and keep them in london for a further 2 weeks. this will enable me to have a break and work with out childcare worries. Not something I had ever envisaged but have to go along with. Hope having children around may bring some reality into their relationship. Jante

r_brindley

18th July 2002, 08:44 AM

Hello Kate Jante and everyone,

Kate I thankyou for your words of kindness - what you said re my husband's behaviour is very true - it does hurt badly and perhaps he is trying to protect himself - I hope this is so as it seems like he has no heart when he saiys these types of things - it is like he is completely emotionless and cold.

It is very hard for me to accept that he does not at least want a friendship but in the time since we have been seperated my soul has been deeply affected and ownly now am I beginning to really heal and move forward.

Jante I thankyou too for your ongoing support and feedback and I hope that you have a fantastic time on your holiday. I too am taking a holiday soon - I am going to Bali for 10 days with a few close girlfriends - something I would never have dreamed of doing whilst I was with my husband - my new freind is very supportive of this and he says that he knows that I need this for myself which is true - I really do and I am so looking forward to it.

And so my soul finally has another story to tell - one of growth and healing.

Love and best wishes to you all I will keep you updated and hope that you do the same.

R.B

Unregistered

3rd August 2002, 09:52 PM

Hi RB and others.
H ave just sent my children off with their dad for a weeks holiday followed by a 2 week visit to his home with his 'ladyfriend' while i am working. i will see the children at weekends but not in the week a reversal of the normal situation with them. I have now met his girlfriend when the children did and at times that makes it harder. that said i am slowly coming to a place where i don't care any more. ASnd hate myself for feeling this way.
Hope you are doing better and ebjoy your holiday it sounds wonderful. jante

r_brindley

20th August 2002, 07:47 AM

Hello all,

I have returned from my trip to Bali a new women. I had so much fun there and realised that the end of my marriage happened for the best as I would never have had the opportunities or the freedom that i am only now starting to enjoy.

I did a lot of thinking whilst on holiday and I feel that I deserve so much more than the treatment my husband dishes out to me. He is self centred and cruel and dissmissive. I do not hate him, I am just very sad that it has come to the point where I am like a stranger to him and now I do not even want to bother with trying to contact him for fear that he will again ignore me.

I am still dating the most wonderful man and have decided that I really want to be with him for a long time (although I can never see myself getting married again). I am just taking one day at a time and he is fine with that. He recently took me out and told me that he loves me... I am starting to fall in love with him too.

My second wedding anniversary is coming up and quite frankly it means very little to me... it feels like it all happened decades ago to somebody else - my feelings are so remote I can hardly even imagine that it was me that got married only two years ago - it was so short -lived a marraige that It seems like I was only there as a spectator.

I am just wondering if anyone can tell me whether (by Australian Law) if you have been married 2 years but seperated for 16 months of those 2 years when the 2nd anniversary comes around if I still need to go to compulsory counselling before a divorce is granted? I will check into it with my solicitor if no-one knows -it's just that his advice cost me money every time I ring him to ask anything!

Take care

warm thoughts and prayers always

R*B*

Jante

27th August 2002, 11:25 PM

Hi RB- your holiday sounds great and it sounds like things are progressing for you.
Don't know anything about Australian law so can't help you there. My children are now back with me after there visit to dad. He brought them back home one w/e and brought his g/f with him into my Home!! Still getting over the shock. I too believe that whatever happens between me and husband my life is going to be ok. Jante

r_brindley

17th September 2002, 02:54 AM

Hello everyone,

I thought I would pop in for some much needed advice.

I have sent my husband the divorce papers (not actually filed) and asked him to jointly file with me but he has had these for over a month now and done nothing about it.

I took a day off work the other day due to stress as this just seems to be draggin on now. I had called him at his work and asked him to sign the papers - I had been polite and told him that I am in a new relationship and I just need closure in order to move on. I also told him that if he is willing to pay half of what is owing on our joint loan (I am still paying the whole thing) that I will put it into the property settlement that I will take over the remainder into my name in order to have no ties to him anymore.

he told me that he does not have the money to do any of this right now as his car was stolen (a total load of rubbish as my brother saw him driving around in it the day afterr he told me this and it is in immaculate condition). I told him to ring me as soon as he had read the paperwork I had sent him.

Then his girlfriend came in to my workplace on the day I was away and told the receptionist she wanted to speak with me - upon being told that I was not there that day she marched through all the office in search of me and proceeded to scream obsecnities at the receptionist and stated that I am trying to break up her and my husbands relationship and that I am a psycho wetc etc and that I should be paying the loan (so obviously he is telling her that he is paying and I am not).

The receptionist told her that I was not only a work colleague but also a personal friend and that for what her and my husband had put me through they both need a bullet - she then told her to stop trying to cause trouble and get out of the office.

my receptionist then called me at home and told me what had happened. I called my husband at his workplace and burst into tears.

I said to him "why is your girlfriend coming into my workplace and stating these things? - what lies have you told her to make her want to do this?"

He stated that he knew nothing about it. I cried and told asked him what I had done to deserve such humiliation, I said to him " How would you like it if one of my friends came to your workplace and caused a scene like that?" he said he wouldn't like it at all. I said "no well I don't either - I have done nothing to you or this woman to deserve this and if she wants to I am quite wqilling to meet with her and show her every single reciept I have for the loan" I asked him to hurry up and sign the papers as I had had enough trauma in the past 18mths a dn just want it all to end. He stated he would and would also put some money on the loan.

That was two weeks ago and I have not heard from him or had any progress with either the divorce or the loan since. What do you make of all this?

totally embarrassed, frustrated and hurt.

R.B

Jante

2nd November 2002, 12:20 AM

Hi RB and sorry its so long since I looked in. Hope that you have made progress with your ex and that the papers are now signed so ou can indeed move on with your life.

My H still lives with his OW but they are both out of jobs as of today and H has just sold the property in Scotland which he loved, and to cap it all I crashed his car last week!! Will await outcome of all this aabut he did tell me 2 weeks ago that he intends to divorce me when the 23 years separation are up!

Jante

r_brindley

9th December 2002, 01:20 AM

Hi There Jante,

oops about you husband and his OW jobs... might be karma biting him in the behind! did he really mean 23years of seperation or was that a typo? if it isn't why 23years?

My situation has become even more bizarre and heart-breaking.... my husbands girlfriend (who is only 21 years old and already has two children to another man) is pregnant with his child. AND they have just purchased a 4 bedroom home in a very affluent area - meanwhile he STILL has not filed for divorce and he is not paying the joint loan he has with me!!!!! how the heck he got finance I don't know. I am soooooo upset - I feel so rejected - even thoough I have a new man and don't want him back I feel like such a failure and that I just wasn't good enough as a wife for him to want to have children etc with me... it still hurts me badly. He has the life I planned and I am back to square 1.

I thought by now I would be able to handle this but it still made me cry and I have been able to think about nothing other than him and her for the last 2 days.

I will keep checking in Jante as I value your support. Have a lovely christmas and new year.

best wishes

r.b

Jante

9th December 2002, 08:02 PM

Hi RB, and yes it was a typo- the separation has been 2 years and in English law he can then dv me without reason. If I object it can be drawn out another 3 years and then he can get the dv anyway. I don't believe in dv and would find it very difficult to file myself, but will not contest it if and when he does file.
I so feel for you in your situation, the one thing I would find very difficult to cope with would be finding out that my H's OW is pregnant. He says she doesn't want children, and he certainly doesn't want any more but it as a niggle at the back of my mind.
H now has a new job, and we still await the completion on our scottish property which will separate us financially. Obviously with three boys we will always be tied in some way.

Hope you feel happier soon.
Jante

r_brindley

6th January 2003, 03:02 AM

Hi there Jante and everyone,

Merry Christmas and Happy New year to you all.

I have just had a very interesting development in my situation that I would like some feedback on - Jante and Kate i really would like to hear your views....

As I mentioned in my last post - my husbands girlfriend is pregnant to him (she has 8wks to go) - she also has 2 other children to another man and she is 9 years my hubands junior (she is 20 and he is 29).

Well today is my first day back to work after a 14day holiday - because of the nature of my work I get a lot of telephone calls and deal with up to 20 people of he same christian name each day... so when my receptionist transferred a call from "B******" I thought nothing of it.

I anwered the call and the voice on the other end said -

" It's B******, P****'s girlfriend - please don't hang up on me." I said "what can I do for you?" - (I was thinking that she was going to start on me about the loan or somehting) but she just said "I need to talk to you woman to woman, can I ask you a question?"

I said yes and she then proceeded to ask me if when my husband and I were together had he at any stage taken off on me for days at a time or become hostile overy money and sex issues.

I was honest with her and told her that yes - sometimes he had done this. She then burst into tears and told me that he had been doing this to her for some time now and that he was not interested in her pregnancy at all and siad to her that he "can't wait until this f@#$%^ baby is born as it is dragging on and just a "real hassle" now" - she also told me that he never wants to touch her stomach and initially he wanted her to have an abortion but she could not go through with it.

She also told me that she had been giving him all of her money to pay rent etc and then today she gets a default notice from the real estate in the mail to say they are 6wks behind - when she confronted him about it he apparently took off and told her to take her engagement ring off her finger as it meant nothing now and that he was moving out soon.

I listened as she poured out her heart but I felt a little awkward - after all this is my husbands new girlfriend. She told me that he had told her I had left HIM! - I set the record straight on that and a few other lies he had told too. he told her that I haven't sent any divorce info to him at all - I told her that he has had this information since August. She apologised for coming into my work and going stkitz that time but told me that she now realised that the things she had heard about me being the cause of the breakup weren't true as he was giving her the same mindgames and she said she also suspects he is cheating on her with a woman from his work.

I told her that I didn't really feel comfortable getting involved and she siad she understood she just wanted to know if i had experienced the same treatment and just said she felt like I would understand. i said that I did understand and I advised her to look for him at certain friends house and also to get herself some professional advice from a counsellor. She thatnked me for listening to her and then hung up.

What do you make of this and do you feel he is exhibiting avoidance behaviour of some sort - he seems to totally ignore the fact that I exist and now he seems to want out of this new relationship too - what would make him act this way - and why would it be so similar to the way he acted with me - he used to run away from me all the time if he didn't get his own way too - then he would come back after a few days and act as if nothing had happened - that's why when he left me I just thought it was another one of these episodes (although there was no trigger this time all was rosy).

What do you think?

Best wishes to all

R.B