Wishhewouldcomehome!! [Archive] - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

r_brindley

5th April 2001, 12:27 PM

Dear lonely,

I can sympathise with your situation as I have been married for 7 months and have spent the last 12 days waiting for my husband to come home after he just up and left me.

Like your husband mine tells me he does love me but doesn't want to be married, that he can't handle it anymore but refuses to elaborate on just what it is that he can't handle.

If your man says he is not seeing someone else and he has been faithful up until now then you should give him the benefit of the doubt and believe him.

This situation has no easy answers all I can say is avoid stalking him however ask him in a calm manner what his intentions are as you can not handle living in limbo like this.

Tell him that you love him and if you are prepared to go to marriage counselling ask him if he would try this.

If like my husband he refuses you should seek some counselling as a support for yourself and this will help with dealing with all the emotions that you are undoubtedly going through.

If you try counselling and things still do not work out as hard as it is you must let him go - you cannot MAKE someone love you.

You have to place importance on YOu loving YOu and doing things that you enjoy and spending quality time with friends and family. Good luck I hope it all works out for you. *R*B*

lonely

18th April 2001, 06:48 AM

Well it has been 5 weeks now. I just don't know what to do. He will actually talk to me--sort-of. He still is not really giving me a clear reason why he left. Maybe he doesn't really know why himself. But now that I have not called him for the past couple of weeks to give him his space (which is what he asked for) he says that I don't care because I havn't called. It just seems that either why you just can't make him happy. I am so confused on what the right thing to do is. It seems that whatever direction I go, it is wrong and just makes things worse.

r_brindley

18th April 2001, 12:31 PM

Hi lonely,

I can so sympathise, it seems as though he is playing mind games. he wants you to stay away and then when you do as he asks he says you don't care.

Has there ever been a power struggle issue in the relationship before or did he ever have a dominating nature? as it seems that his behaviour is as though he is trying to control you by making you want him even though he doesn't want you.

As to my situation - I stayed away from my husband but then I wrote to him and did call around and see him - it has been 3 weeks now. I went around to where he is staying as recently as last night and he told me to stop stalking him and can't I get it through my head that he does not love me and is not coming back and then he told me he HATED me, but could not tell me why. he is now just being cruel and irrational as is your husband.

All I can advise is seek help and support for yourself.. it does not stop the pain but is does give you extra ears to tell your troubles to. Keep in touch and good luck.*R*B*

Kate

18th April 2001, 02:55 PM

Dear Lonely,

He doesn't seem to know what he wants, does he! If you think he's playing games with you, you might find some insights in the Marriage First Aid (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/marfirstaid/) article on the site.

Do go and talk to someone to help get yourself straight, so you can be calm and rational when you do see him.

Hang on in there!

Lonely

19th April 2001, 02:43 AM

My husband did have a really bad anger problem in the past. He would blow up at the smallest thing and make something so little into something HUGE. It seems to me that he has to have some kind of situation going on so that he can be the one to step in and take control of it. So he can be in the spot light. His Anger problem he did work on and has improved greatly. I am just getting tired of waiting. The longer I wait the more the wheels in my head start to turn and think of what he could be doing. He told me about a week ago that he heard a rumor that I went on a date with someone-which wasn't true- he said that he told the person that he didn't care. I told him "So you wouldn't care and it wouldn't hurt you if I did go out with another guy?" He told me NO and that it was my life and I could do whatever i wanted. I know that when I heard that he could be with someone else it crushed me. Is he telling me this to justify something that he has done? Or is he saying this to see if I would go out with someone else, as a test? I am seeking professional help, and it does seem to help. She helps me organize my mind, get me thoughts sraighten out. That way when I do see him I don't start acting like a child and say the first mean thing that comes to me. I just wish that he would possibly seek some sort of help to. Just to show him that he doesn't have to be right and to get his thoughts straightened out too. How can I secretly get him to realize that?

r_brindley

19th April 2001, 01:06 PM

Dear lonely,

I know words can't describe how it feels when they tell you they don't care if you see someone else... my theory is that he is just saying this trying to convince HIMSELF he wouldn't care.

My husband said this too and I really don't think he meant it - I don't know it's a tough one. for me i know my husband is not seeing anyone else YET... but I am terrified he will.

Do you know for sure your husband hasn't been seeing anyone else.

I wish so much that I had the answer on how to get both of our husbands to secretly realise that they are making a HUGE mistake and that the problems they left over are sooo small and they have just magnified them in thier minds...

What does your counsellor say?

Does she think there is a hope?

Is your husband still not willing to work it out... what does he say?

If you find the answer please let me know

Keep in touch. *R*B*

Lonely

20th April 2001, 06:20 AM

No I do not know for sure if he is seeing someone else or not. Just the way he has been acting seems to keep making me think that there is. By him saying that he CAN'T face me to talk to me. HUM???? My counsellor seems to think that he is saying that he doesn't care to try to get a rise out of me, to see how I would react. Or else to put off the "tough-man" image in front of the freinds that he is staying with. She doens't seem to think that he really means it. She thinks that there may be a possibility of us working it out. But she doens't want me to rush it. She doesn't think that he really has things straighten out yet in his head. You want him to miss you she says. So that is why I quit calling him and if I do happen to run into him out somewhere I make absolutly NO eye contact with him. Act as though he isn't even there. So now it is getting to him. The wheels are slowly starting to turn in his head. But don't rush it. So I have been just taking it day by day. Find things to keep me busy around the house so I don't start thinking about him and trying to find reasons to call him. Hopefully soon my husband and your husband will realize what they are missing and that they are giving up a really good thing. I know I don't even know you but you seem very sweet. Just keep your head up. Make him want you and make him miss you. Pretend that he isn't even there but don't be snobbish to him, you don't want to drop down to his level. He is just another stranger on the street. Take up a hobby at home to keep your mind busy. You don't want him to think that you don't care that he is gone, but you don't want him to see how really devistated you are either. That will just boost his ego. Keep you head up girl, I am right there with you.

r_brindley

24th April 2001, 05:25 AM

Hi Lonely,

I cannot thank you enough for your kind words of support, of course my counsellor helps me with the tough times but talking to someone who is experiencing the same (if not almost identical) problem as me has helped me realise that I am not the only one...

I have left my husband alone and it seems to be having no affect yet... but as you say both of our husbands need time to sort it out in thier heads - mine told me that he didn't mean it when he said he hated me that he was just angry. He said he does miss me but then goes on to say "But that is to be expected"... my counsellor says that he is doing the same thing as your husband in trying to put on the "tough guy" image in front of the friends he is staying with.

I can only hope that she is correct.

I had to do the hardest thing and tell my father last night... I had delayed in this because he lives in a different state and although we have a great relationship he is very protective of me as I am his only child...

he was devestated and it hurt me to tell him, especially seeing as he helped pay for the wedding only 7 months ago and he has treated my husband like the son he never had for the past 6 years.

How is your family taking it?

Do you have support from good friends, I find this helps to take my mind off things as with keeping myself busy like you mentioned.

But still it is hard.

Please keep in touch. and once again thank you for your kind words...

Kind regards

*R*B*

Loenly

24th April 2001, 05:46 AM

R* B*
I told my mother after he had been gone for a week. Of course it is harder to keep it from them when they live 10 min. away. She was a little upset that I didn't tell her right away. I just told her that I knew exactly what she was going to say and that I didn't want to hear it. "I told you so" My mom always said that we were too young to get married. My father said the moment that he found out that my husband was never alound back into their house. Yes my friends have been great for me. They get me out of the house but they don't make me do anything that I don't want to do. And they don't take me out to go and pick up guys. Usually when we go out it is a GIRLS night out. It feels good to turn down guys that pick up on ya. I recieved a note tonight from my husband, he came in to get his mail. He said that he would like to talk sometime soon. I am FREAKIN' I have all kinds of things goiing through my head. But I think before I do anything I am going to call my counsellor first thing in the morning. Maybe it is good, maybe it is bad. But at least now maybe I will get some sort of explanation out of him. Wish me luck, and best of luck to you too. It sounds to me like your husband is starting to come around. It least he is admiting that he misses you, before he didn't. Just remember to take it SLOW. Let him come to you.

r_brindley

26th April 2001, 06:39 AM

Hi again lonely,

I wish you all the luck in the world.

I wish I could tell you that my husband did come around but I think I just stuffed up majorly.

He told me on the weekend that he was coming around to get his things, i waited at home all day Saturday and he didn't show up. So I called him and he said he was "too tired" and would come on Sunday.

So sunday came and went and still no sign of him... I did not call and today is Wednesday and I happened to see him this afternoon. He said we needed to talk to sort out who gets what etc...

I felt uncomfortable talking in front of friends so I told him to come around by himself tonight and he said he would be bringing a witness with him.

I told him I did not think we needed a third party but he insisted and turned up with some mutual friends.

They sat in his car and I tried to talk to my husband but he just went about packing up his things as though I did not even exist.

He said he would not be paying me any rent and I asked him how he could just lump me with paying $220.00 a week on my own as I could not get out of the lease.

Anyway he started to get his things and I just lost it... I am not usually a raging person but I mean I totally LOST it.

I started throwing his clothes out of our wardrobe and crying and swearing the whole works...

I just couldn't help it it was hurting so bad...

anyway he said to me that after that display he felt nothing for me and told me I was being a complete F***wit which I must admit I probably was.

I asked him what he wanted to do about our wedding photos and he told me to keep them as they mean nothing to him now.

I apologised to him for acting like a shrew and he said he knew I didn't mean it but it doesn't change his mind.

He showed no emotion and no compassion and is now in his mind "out of this marriage"...

I am not sure how to cope and the pain is SOOO BAD.

I feel really awful about the way I reacted.. .I promised myself that I would not react like that but I tried to talk to him and reason with him and he just ignored me.

So sorry to tell you all my troubles but I feel that you understand.

Have you had any luck with your husband??? I hope so.

Did you in the time since you have separated have any full blown screaming matches with him... how soon after he left did he come to get his stuff?

Please reply soon.

Hope all is well

once again thanks for your support, as I said I am doing all the counselling things and seeing friends etc but I am having a really hard time with this.

kind regards

*R*B*

Lonely

29th April 2001, 05:12 AM

R*B*
You bet your bottoms I had a sreaming match with him, actually more like with his voice mail. I told him that I hoped he rotted in Hell and that I even Hated him. You have every right to have these feelings. My husband acted exactly the same way yours did. He showed absolutly no care or hurt at all and that just kills you even more. Remember, he had a friend there, so he is putting on an image for that friend. I truly believe that deep down inside he is hurting. It may take time for it to really hit him but it will. But maybe by the time it does it may be too late and he will be the one crawling back to you. Trust me I know that it hurts worse than anything in the world because it seems like there is nothing that you can do about it. Please just try to be strong. Take this time to improve yourself in whatever way you think you need to. Treat yourself to something special. I know that you are angry with him leaving you with finacial responsibilities. My husband left me with a mortage that we havn't even paid on for a year. Anytime he said that he was coming to get his stuff I would make it a point to not be there. My counselour said that that way he can take the time to look around, look at pictures, etc. Let the good memories come back to him. With you there he wont do that. So I made it a point to pull out some pics and set them out. Just to give him a little push. http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/ubb/smile.gif Just remember, whatever way this turns out, you WILL become a better and stronger person. Repeat that to yourself. That is what I do. And do lots of praying...if you are a religous person. Please keep in touch and take care or yourself, that is the most important thing.
Lonely

r_brindley

29th April 2001, 09:02 AM

Hi again,

Thanks for the advice,

He is coming around this afternoon and I am going to be here but will not be throwing all his stuff around like last time.

I also won't be begging him to come back - I think as you said that he is feeling it a bit but is definately putting on the brave face... Yeh I might do the whole photo thing too...

He is being fairly removed about things kind of acting like he doesn't care and that it's over and it's no big deal... that is just about killing me.

I have been surrounding myself with friends and this does help.

I will let u know the outcome of tonite... how did your chat with your husband go - any breakthroughs?

My counsellor was saying that he has no responsibilities where he is at the moment so he may not come back home due to home = responsibilities and that is what he is trying to avoid...

But hopefully where he is staying they will ask him to move on soon and he may do some soul searching and realise we didn't have such a bad thing going after all... I can only hope.

I am not deeply religious but believe me I have prayed non stop for the last month and I am feeling my faith wane a bit - it just seems so unfair.

I will keep smiling my friend and hope that u can do the same.

talk to u soon.

*R*B*

lplayer

30th April 2001, 06:02 AM

Hi, you two. I visit these forums regularly. Noticed how you're supporting each other. I've been praying for you both and your husbands. Hope that's ok with you, cos I believe God can and wants to help. I don't know you, so it's all I can do to help.

r_brindley

30th April 2001, 07:08 AM

thanks iplayer,

that is very sweet of you, as I was saying in my last reply to lonely, I have been praying every night for a little over 4 weeks now, I have never been deeply religious however I do believe in a higher power.... however sad to say that i am starting to feel that after 4 weeks of praying for my husbands return that no-one is listening.... I am not a bad or evil person so I have been questioning why this has had to happen to me... I know that everyone says "God only gives you that which you can carry" and "things happen for a reason" but at the moment I just feel that these are worn cliches.

Your prayers for me are greatly appreciated... I the heavens listen now more voices are praying for the same thing...

Thanks again.

Regards *R*B*

lplayer

30th April 2001, 05:29 PM

You're right cliches are no help, when you're really hurting, but what you believe is, because that gives you something solid to hold on to, when life is uncertain.

The "higher power" that I believe in is a person who made us, who wants what's best for us and is very powerful. But he also gave us free will, we're not just pawns on some cosmic chess board. He won't just wave a magic wand, send your husband home and put everything right just like that. What I believe he will do is to be there to give you help, if you ask him, to cope with the pain, to grow through your counselling and to respond in helpful ways to your husband when he gets in touch. He can also be at work in your husband's heart, reminding him of all that is and can be good between you.

I see this God as a friend and a loving father, who has promised to be there for me when I need him and he's done that for me, time and again, even when someone I loved dearly chose to go off with someone else.

Right now I suspect you're thinking " If only my husband would come back, we could sort things out." But there are lots of other things you could ask God for - to help you both to change, so that when your husband comes back you'll have something good to build together. You can ask for the grace to forgive your husband and to know how to respond to him when he gets in touch. You can ask to be shown what went wrong and how to avoid it in the future. You can ask him to comfort you and help you to cope with the uncertainty.
Don't give up hope.

r_brindley

1st May 2001, 07:15 AM

Hello again Iplayer,

Thanks for the advice, although I am not deeply religious it made sense and believe me I have been praying for all the things you mentioned.

Just hope that God is listening and answers my prayers soon.

Once again thankyou for praying for me.

*R*B*

[This message has been edited by r_brindley (edited 01 May 2001).]

r_brindley

1st May 2001, 07:29 AM

Hi Lonely,

How are things going, have you heard from your husband.. any breakthroughs?

did he end up coming around to talk to you that time?

My husband has not come home yet and did not come around to get the rest of his things... HOWEVER... he has called and apologised for not coming around and he has sounded civil and the last time I think I even detected a touch of remorse in his voice.

He has cancelled out on coming to get the rest of his things 3 times now and I am trying to see this in a positive light. I hope and pray tht he will come home... that is all I can do is hope.

I have not been stalking him I have left him alone and I am hoping that the wheels are finally turning and he is starting to see what he is missing.

He is meant to be coming around again this Saturday to get the rest of his stuff but as he has cancelled out 3 times I am hoping he will have changed his mind and decided to come home instead... I know I have changed a lot for the better since he has left and feel that if he would only give me the chance and be willing to try we could work things out.

How are things with you.. been thinking of you and hoping that all is well.

Keep in touch, and keep smiling.

Warm regards

*R*B*

Lonely

2nd May 2001, 01:11 AM

Hi there R*B*
Sorry that I havn't written. I have been busy with work. My husband and I did get together last week and talked about a lot of things. Not a lot got accomplished but I can't expect too much the first time. I havn't spoken to him since. He has agreed to come with me this Friday to my session. So that is a step. We will see what happens then or if he even shows up.
My husband did the same thing. All of a sudden one day he starting speaking to me more civilized and even sounded like he was about to cry. Things just slowly got better since. But I can't get my hopes up too soon. Just slowly taking one step at a time. That is all that we can do. At least we can't say that we havn't done everything possible to make things work right? sounds to me like your hubby may be coming around a bit. I will pray for you some more. But remember not to get your hopes up. Stay strong. We don't want to rush this. If we want things to change permanently we have to go slow. Best wishes.
Lonely

r_brindley

2nd May 2001, 05:15 AM

Originally posted by Lonely:
Hi there R*B*
Sorry that I havn't written. I have been busy with work. My husband and I did get together last week and talked about a lot of things. Not a lot got accomplished but I can't expect too much the first time. I havn't spoken to him since. He has agreed to come with me this Friday to my session. So that is a step. We will see what happens then or if he even shows up.
My husband did the same thing. All of a sudden one day he starting speaking to me more civilized and even sounded like he was about to cry. Things just slowly got better since. But I can't get my hopes up too soon. Just slowly taking one step at a time. That is all that we can do. At least we can't say that we havn't done everything possible to make things work right? sounds to me like your hubby may be coming around a bit. I will pray for you some more. But remember not to get your hopes up. Stay strong. We don't want to rush this. If we want things to change permanently we have to go slow. Best wishes.
Lonely

r_brindley

2nd May 2001, 05:19 AM

Hi there again Lonely,

I am glad to hear that you are making some progress... slowly is definately the key word.

I am hoping that I too will soon make this progress but I am not contacting him or rushing things, I hope and pray that your husband does go to your session with you.. that is a big step forward.

Keep in touch and let me know how it all turns out, best of wishes your will be in my prayers too.

Warm regards

*R*B*

r_brindley

3rd May 2001, 12:34 PM

Hi there lonely,

A good friend just sent me this poem and it touched me deeply, as it is so relevant to my life right now, so I thought I would share it with you... I do not know who the author is.

Maybe God wanted us to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one,

so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe when the door of hapiness closes, another opens,

But often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one that has been opened for us.

Maybe the best kind of friend is the kind that you can sit on a porch and swing with,

never say a word and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

Maybe it is true we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back.

Don't expect love in return, just wait for it to grow in thier heart; but if it does not grow, be content that it grew in yours.

It only takes a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone...

But it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone that makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

Find the one that makes your heart smile.

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real.

Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you only have one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

May you have enough hapiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.

Always put yourself in others shoes. If you feel that it hurts you it probably hurts the other person too.

The happiest of people don't neccessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes thier way.

Hapiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of those who have touched thier lives.

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.

The brightest future will always be based on the forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die everyone around you is crying.

Have a good day,

A great week,

A successful year,

A wonderful lifetime....

And most of all treasure a friendship.

I hope you appreciated this as much as I did

Warm regards and prayers always

*R*B*

Lonely

8th May 2001, 08:54 AM

Hi there R*B*
Sorry about taking so long to write back. I tried a couple of times too and I kept getting booted off before I could finish. Thank you for the beautiful poem. That was very sweet of you to share it with me. So how are things with you? Any Change? Myhusband did show up to my session last week. I think she really brought some things to his attention that he didn't want to hear but was willing to listen and take it all in. Plus I went out this weekend with some girls from work and he was there too. I never talked to him and never made eye contact with him but I walked right be him and saw him in the corner of my eye. I don't know if he is going to see my counsellor on his own. She offered it to him and then every three to four weeks we would do one together. She left it up to him. You obviously can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. So we will see what will happen. This week I will be busy so that will hopefully kept my mind from wandering off. Well I need to get some work done so let me know how things are with you. I have been worried about you since we havn't written in a while.
You're still in my prayers,
Lonely

r_brindley

9th May 2001, 12:01 PM

Hi there lonely,

I am so glad to hear that your husband has gone to one counselling session. Perhaps hearing his issues from a third unemotionally attatched party will make them more real to him. This could be a good sign especially if he takes up the offer of an individual counselling session.

As for me well I am doing OK.. not great but just OK. I'll update you on the latest with my seperation...

On Saturday just gone my husband came around with no warning to get the rest of his things - however he brought 5 of his mates with him.

I felt so humiliated and ashamed and I asked him to come into our bedroom and talk to me alone for 5 minutes. he did so unwillingly and I said to him... "do you really want a divorce?" and he said to me "i've told you YES i want a divorce", I handed him some of our photos and I told him they were memories of the good times. He just rolled his eyes.

He was so cold and so distant and I followed him into our loungeroom where in front of his friends he started to pack up some of his other things.. I said to him that I could not understand how he could just throw away 7 years and 8mths with me ... and what he said next wounded me more than anything else in the world...

he said "after the 7 years of crap you put me through I just can't do it anymore" It was just such a hurtful and irrational thing for him to say and because he said it in front of all his mates I felt so humiliated and I walked out of the house in tears and up the driveway and when I came back he had gone, but he had left a lot of his things still in the garage and the key he has was nowhere in sight.

I was a mess on Sunday and did not call him but on Monday I did and I really shouldn't have as i was angry.

I rang him at 8.30 in the morning and I said to him "when are you coming to get the rest of this stuff and give the key back" he told me he would come when I was not home and I said I didn't want him to do that as he was not paying rent and I did not want people wandering through my house with him when I was not there.

He then swore at me and told me not to ring at this "early hour" and hung up on me.

That really angered me and I rang back and told him that if he did not come around and get his things by 11:30 that day I would be taking them to the dump!! and I hung up on him.

I felt really bad after I had done this but he was just hurting me so much and I felt like he didn't even care.

Well I came home from work the next day and recieved some bad news about a mutual friend and I called my husband and told him the news and I apologised for what I had said to him but I said that what he had said about me putting him through the 7 years of crap had really hurt me as I felt as if our time together meant nothing to him.

I told him that I felt really humiliated in front of all his friends and I also said to him that I did not want this to be nasty that I am just having a very hard time dealing with this as I don't wat it to be this way. I told him I was only ringing him to tell him about our friend and organise a time for him to come and get the rest of his things and give the key back.

I told him that when he just showed up without warning this did not give me time to emotionally prepare myself. He seemed to listen to what I said but made no real apology for anything... BUT i think it did sink in. As he said he understood and would call me with a time and stick to it. We ended the conversation with polite goodbyes.

I am hurting really badly and I have spoken to my counsellor who says that his tactic now may be to make me hate him in order to make it easier for him to deal with his emotions and to justify his behaviour by evoking anger in me.

She says not to hold out hope but that he may have to experience time alone for a few more months to realise what he is giving up, and only when he has to stand on his own two feet away from the comfort of living with friends may reality set in for him.

So that is the story so far. I probably won't be able to write too much after the 20th as I am going to stay with my dad for a week - I am just exhausted and need to get away.

I hope and pray that things work out for you and your husband - please let me know how you are going. You are still in my prayers, although it seems as though my prayers are not being heard.

Warm regards and prayers always *R*B*

[This message has been edited by r_brindley (edited 09 May 2001).]

Lonely

14th May 2001, 05:11 AM

RB
Hi there. Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I have been very busy this week with work. So has your husband come by again for his things? If he hasn't I suggest, and this is only a suggestion, that when he does, don't pull him off into another room and try to talk to him. Exspecially when he has friends with him. Just sit there calmly and go about your things. Maybe even pretend that he isn't even there. But don't give him the cold shoulder. If he speaks to you, try to talk to him like he is just another person. You totally lived up to what he is probably telling his friends right in front of them. Do you understand what I am saying. When I see my husband I just act like he is just a stranger on the street that I happen to know by name. Say Hi and then go about my way. You don't want to act like a bitch to him, that will just push him away. I do agree with you though about wanting your key back. If he isn't paying rent and you don't feel comfortable with him coming in there while you are gone, then do ask for it back, NICELY. I havn't talked to my husband really. I don't know if he is see my counsellor or not. She is going to be gone for about a week too and it just happens to be during the week that our 4 year anniversary is. That is when I will need to talk with her the most. It is coming up in the beginning of June. What a depressing day that will be. I still sit and wander what he doing all the time. This whole waiting thing is driving me insane. I feel my emotions slowly going down further and further. I just wish that I could see the future and what it brings me. I am tired of being alone. I wish that he still loved me the way that he use to. I think about all the times that we went to the Zoo in the city just to walk around for the day and spend time with each other. I miss the way he would make me laugh. I always had a good time with him no matter what it was we were doing. He may not know that, but I did. I wish that I could turn back time and make things different. I would tell him that I loved him more than I did. But just because I didn't say it doesn't mean that I loved him any less. I have a very hard time expressing my feelings and emotions, exspecially to people that I know. I am always afriad of being judged. I have to stop that. It is screwing up my life. I hope this emptiness goes away. My heart feels so cold, my home is cold, my bed is cold and I wish he was still here to warm it all up again. It is weird how when things feel empty they just give you shivers up your spine. Best of wishes. Lonely

r_brindley

14th May 2001, 08:32 AM

Hi Lonely,

I really appreciate your advice, and believe it or not I did take it but it seems to have made no difference.

It has been 39 days now and my husband did come to get the rest of his things and give the key back on Saturday and I just went about my business, I did not ignore him or be rude but I just went about washing up and carrying on with my usual things.

He ignored me and I am sad to say that it looks as though it is all over. He again brought friends with him and stated to me in front of them that we would "just go our seperate ways" that hurt me like i cannot even find the words to describe.

He has given back the key and the house is just as you described yours is.. empty and cold.

I am feeling all the same emotions you described in your post. I remember all the good times we had and wonder what he is doing every moment. although I am going out with friends to diferent social events I am so lonely even when I am surrounded by people. I just miss him so much.

My counsellor has referred me to a doctor as I am very depressed and stressed out. My dad is really angry at my husband for just walking away and this is not helping me as I don't want everyone to be horrible to him as this will strengthen his resolve not to come back.

I am trying to accept this and move on but it is so very hard. I am just so lonely and cannot understand why this has happened - why did he just "fall out of love?" and why is he not even willing to try to save our marriage after all the good times - no the GREAT times we shared.

I wish I could be a little more comforting to you seeing as though you are going through the same emotions and you have your anniversary coming up and all but as you are probably aware - nothing anyone says right now takes the pain away.

All I can say is hang in there and keep in touch. I am still thinking of you and praying for you.

Warm thoughts and prayers always

*R*B*

Lonely

15th May 2001, 06:19 AM

I am very sorry to hear about your husband. Your right, no matter what I say to you it won't take the pain away. Do you know if he has actually gone and filed for divorce or not? If he hasn't you may still have time. but that doesn't mean to start stalking him. He made still need some space. Gosh, I really don't know what to tell you, except that I am sorry. I will still pray for you and hope that what ever happens you will be end up the happiest out of the two of you. This is really tough and I don't wish it upon anyone.
I understand what you are saying when it comes to your family. Mine is the same way. They are very upset at him, esspecially my mother. She doesn't like to see her baby girl hurting. It is natural instinct for parents to protect their children. I always feel like I am defending my husband since alll this started. But my husband sees it has that I will do and think whatever my mother says. Which isn't true. I finally had to just tell her to back off and stop saying things about him. That I have to deal with this on my own and I don't need to hear things like that anymore. That was really hard for me, since my mother and I are very close and I tell her ALMOST everything. It is hard enough having to deal with this separation, I don't need to deal with my mother also. My dad doesn't really say anything about it. He was really upset at first and said that my husband was never aloud to step foot into their house again. But he said that he was just upset and in shock and that was the first thing he blurted out. You can say a lot of things when you are upset that you don't mean.
Well I wish you the best of luck and please keep in touch. Please remember to take care of yourself....that is the MOST importand thing right now. Like I said a while back. He may still realize what he has lost and how idiotic he was, but it maybe too late. Then he is the one that will have to deal with the pain, and maybe forever. You are a special person no matter what he tells you. Even I can see that, and I hardly know you. So if he can't see that, I would say that he has some problems of his own that he needs to deal with right now.
God Bless
Lonely

r_brindley

16th May 2001, 07:54 AM

Hi Lonely,

Thank you so much for your support it really means a lot to me.

My husband came around last night and got 3 more boxes of his things - the last three. he came by himself (suprisingly) but he came to the door and said "where are these boxes" - no Hello no greeting of any kind.

I remained calm and told him where the boxes where and he just went about putting them in his car.

He told me that he was on holidays and would be going away. I asked him what he wanted to do about filing for legal seperation (where in live in NSW Australia if you have been married under 2yrs you have to go through compulsory counselling before you are granted a divorce by the courts)

He stated he did not believe that we had to go through the counselling - I just told him that I was not trying to trick him into going merely stating a fact.. he states that he thinks that he just has to be seperated for 12mths and he can apply for a divorce - he has not even seen a solicitor - he states he has been talking to his sister who has been through a divorce before - mind you she was married a lot longer and lives in a different state where the laws are different.

When he stated this to me I just shrugged my shoulders and said "whatever you want to do" But I realised that he has not given his actions much thought in how serious divorce is and what it involves - he is treating it like a joke and that hurts.

He said that he had to get back "home" as his dinner would be getting cold. I told him I was sorry that I was such an inconvenience to him. I probable shouldn't have said that but that is how he is making me feel that i am just an inconvenience and the sooner he is rid of me the better. He said "did I say that?" and i said "you don't have to your actions speak loud enough" and with that he said goodbye and left.

AND NOW.... I am hearing stories that he has been going out partying at nightclubs with his single mates until 6am and going to parties etc.. which is so unlike him - he hates that whole scene... well at least he used to. It seems to me like he is looking for someone else... HOW DO I DEAL WITH THAT?... he is still a married man, YES he is seperated but I am his WIFE, he made a committment to me only 8mths ago, HE HAS EVEN BEEN AROUND TO SEE A FRIEND OF MINE WHO IS SINGLE...she told him where to go of course but that is not the point this is all so out of character for him and it just hurst so much... it's like he has forgotten I exist or ever did exist to him... I can't let this go it is driving me insane.

I am just hurting so much as he is acting like I don't even exist to him - like I never did exist to him. But I have not begged him anymore and I now have no reason to call him.

What more can I do?

I am still praying for his return but I don't think my prayers will be answered and it just hurts tht he is not feeling any remorse or anything for what he has done.

You are still in my prayers... keep in touch.

R.B

[This message has been edited by r_brindley (edited 17 May 2001).]

Lonely

17th May 2001, 09:47 AM

I am very sorry to hear about the way your husband is acting. I truely think that it really hasn't hit him yet how serious this is. But it will. I believe that he doesn't really know what he wants right now. The reason I say that is because if he did then he would have taken the legal steps. He is being very childish by saying he doesn't have to do this or that. But i am sorry, if it the law where you live, then he can't do anything about it. This is just his way of dragging it out so it will buy him some time to do whatever. If I was you, this is what I would do. Don't do anything permanent like you go and filing for legal separation. i would just start living my life for me and only me. Actually that is what I AM doing right now. Yes I do still think about him ALL the time. but I really have to sit and focus on what I want to do with my life. Before I was always so worried about making my husband happy. I was even afraid to buy myself things that I wanted because I thought he would get mad at me cuz then soemthing would come up and we woudl have to say no cuz we didn't have the money. Now I am focusing on me. Focusing on my job, friends, and family. Spending time doing things that make me feel good about myself. You need to find those things for yourself. Make no contact with your husband. He will see that you don't NEED him in your life, but you do WANT him to be in your life. Because you do love him, if you didn't you would never had married him, and you wouldn't be so hurt right now. He needs some time to really think about things clearly.If he is with friends all the time, it just may take longer for it to really hit him. Remember what I said, you don't NEED him to be happy, But you do WANT him to be in your life and that would just make you happier. Best wishes. Lonely

r_brindley

17th May 2001, 12:46 PM

Hi again,

Thanks for the prompt response.. I am in crisis mode a bit so it really helped. I am trying to deal with this and have been doing things for me like going out with friends and all the usual stuff... My husband and I were never co-dependant so I am kind of carrying on my usual life to some extent anyway. I have treated myself to a new haircut and I am doing things for me... BUT..

As I explained in my last post he is going out partying and I think he is really on the prowl for someone else...which is SO UNLIKE HIM, neither of us have ever been unfaithful.

I am trying to show him I don't need him but I feel like such a sham because I miss him so much and I just feel that he WANTS me to move on and act like I don't need him so it will justify his own uncaring "don't give a rats.. its all over...bye now" type of behaviour.

My biggest issue is that of mutual friends - I have been sort of cut off by our mutual friends - they ring me a lot but i am getting left off the invite list to a lot of things and this hurts... they all say they feel awkward but then they think nothing of calling me at work and telling me of my husbands latest escapades with his single mates.

How are you handling the mutual friends thing?

I know my husband is not seeing anyone else..YET. how about you? - did you ever find out if yours was seeing anyone else? and has your husband been getting into heavy duty single guy party mode since he left?

This is the main thing I am having difficulty with right now - not that he is having fun - but that he seems to be looking for a replacement and acting as though I don't even exist - like i NEVER existed.

My counsellor is also baffled by this and states that maybe he is trying so hard to avoid change and responsibility and growing up that he is in some way trying to recapture his teenage years (but my husband is only 27?!) -if this was in his nature to be a party animal and a womanising yobbo I could look it and say "well i knew that when I married him" but it is so totally OPPOSITE to what my husbands nature is... - not that he didn't experience this time as a teenager - IT'S NOT AS IF HE MISSED OUT- he did all his partying and going out but still nothing like what he is doing NOW... I just don't understand it.

How do I get him from this type of behaviour to want to come back and be with me... prayer isn't working, leaving him alone isn't working... showing him I don't care is what he wants... I just feel like I am at my wits end - if he see's someone else I really think it will break me.

Well as I said i won't be able to write much until after the 20th - I am just pysically and mentally exhausted and I will be gaoing to see my dad.

I really appreciate your advice and I am so hoping that your marriage will work out.

Warm thoughts and prayers always my friend.

R.B

lplayer

17th May 2001, 03:24 PM

Just wanted to say, I'm still praying for you both. RB, I hope the time away with your Dad brings you some rest and peace, and a complete change. Bets wishes.

Lonely

19th May 2001, 12:44 AM

RB
I would try your hardest not listen to what people are telling you about what he is doing at night. Just tell your friends when they start to tell you these things, and say it kindly that you would rather not hear about it. All that it does is upset you even more, so you would appreciate not to talk about things like that. The reason I say that is because it does hurt you even more and you don't need anymore hurt right now, you already have more than what you can deal with. Also you never know what is true and what is rumor. I know that you want to trust your friends but it always seems to be "he said, she said". Do you understand what I am saying? I hope so. I think that it is a real good idea that you get away for a while. Just try not to dwell on your husband while you are away. This is for you, not him. God Bless.
Lonely

Lonely

20th May 2001, 02:09 PM

Someone please help me. I just saw my husband walking out of a grocery store at 1:30 in the morning with the girl that he says has just become good friends with since we have separated. He has never been the one to cheat....but this is just to convient. Also one of the reasons he says he isn't happy is because I didn't give him enough affection. For someone who needs affection all the time, but hasn't been with anyone for the past 9 weeks, he sure does seem to be spending a lot of time with her. What do I do? Do I have the right to know the truth? I would say that I do, I am his wife still. Plus it just HURTS LIKE HELL. But I would rather know, than be played for a fool. I know he won't just come out and tell me that he has been with someone else so how do I get it out of him?
Lonely

r_brindley

21st May 2001, 05:30 AM

Oh lonely sweetie I am so sorry to hear this,

yes you do have the right to know the truth - but you can't really make him tell you.

Maybe can you talk to one of his friends? do you know who this girl is - could you talk to her (if you are anything like me though this would not be an option) or and this is a VERY extreme measure - hire a private investigator... as I said this is very extreme - I had a friend who did this because she suspected her husband was cheating - he was but you must prepare yourself for the truth no matter how painful that is. I wish I could tell you how to do that. It seems both of our husbands may already be on the prowl, and sweetie I know how much this hurts because I am hurting right along with you.

Something that just helped me for the short term was to get away from the area I live in to visit my family - it didn't take the pain away but it did help because I was out of that environment.

Talk to your counsellor and as I said try to talk to one of his friends or if you have a mutual friend who would be honest with you - but be wary of rumours... a lot of the time people can read more into what they see than is really there and by the time you hear it it can be this huge soap opera.

perhaps even get yourself a self help book on dealing with seperation and trying to move on... this is going to be my next move.

the pain is huge i know and i am thinking of you every moment... let me know how you go.

Warm thoughts and prayers always.

R*B*

Lonely

21st May 2001, 09:01 AM

I JUST CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
Lonely

lplayer

21st May 2001, 05:39 PM

What can I say? except that you are a valuable precious human being and that though the agony may seem overwhelming there is life beyond this pain. Your value does not consist only of who you are in relation to your husband. What the other lady said about getting away for a change for a few days was wise - it can give a broader perspective and help in facing the pain.
Thinking of you..

r_brindley

22nd May 2001, 06:11 AM

Hi Lonely,

I am really worried about you, please see a doctor who can help you with all the emotional meltdown stuff i know you are feeling right now.

I have seen a doctor who has told me about the herbal anti-depressant St Johns Wort... ask your doctor about this. It does work and is totally natural. It doesn't take the pain away (it isn't a magic pill) but certainly makes things more manageable.

Also you do need to get away to de-stress I have been back since Sunday and I am feeling suprisingly good. I have not seen or heard from my husband and i think this is helping me to not stress out about who he is seeing and what he is doing... of course I still think about it but I haven't been getting myself into a state of anxiety like I usually do.

I expect that you are hanging out for any info on your husband and really can't get past seeing him with the other woman... talk to your counsellor and doctor about this and then if you can get away from your environment for a while....believe me the change of environment really helps, and you know the state I was in before I left.

I know that I will probably have bad times too in the near future and I know I will react the same way as you (totally devastated) if and when I see my husband with someone else. This is why I am trying to prepare myself with self help and a bit of de-stressing....maybe when the time comes it won't work but in the mean time it is helping.

I really feel for you, have you spoken to your husband or any of his friends re this other woman?

Let me know how you go and if you decide to see a doctor... but most of all REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE SPECIAL... HE IS THE LOSER IN THIS SITUATION NOT YOU.

Try to be brave.

I am thinking of you and praying for you.

Warm regards

*R*B*

Lonely

23rd May 2001, 07:54 AM

I am seeing a doctor. I get get away right now because it takes money to get away and I can't get off work. I am just going nuts. I finally just e-mailed my husband and strought up asked him he had been with anyone else, whether it was sex or even a kiss and he can't even answer the question. He tries to turn back on to me. So what does that tell me? Right now I feel that I am ready to call it quits, but I love the asshole too much. I just don't know what to do.

r_brindley

23rd May 2001, 10:26 AM

Hi there again,

Well I would say that he has a serious case of the guilts if he can't even answer the question. I would say that deep down he knows he has stuffed up and perhaps soon he will realise that the grass is definately not greener on the other side.... but I know this does not help you now as you are frustrated by the lack of information you have on this situation... I would be too.

Is there anyone else close to him tht you trust enough to talk to?

I know what you mean about the money and the time factor of getting away - I had that too but even if it is just getting away to a different suburb for the weekend for a drive with a close girlfriend for the weekend it really does help.

I have a new dilemma now that I am wondering if you can give me some advice on....

I have to move out of where I live on the 16th June as I cannot afford the rent on my own... this means that I will have to move back home with my mum for at least 4 weeks.

My dilemma is that this just makes things so final and I fear that my husband would not even attempt to contact me at my mums... I just don't know what to do I haven't spoken to him and I don't know really what he is thinking or feeling right now, and I don't know if I should contact him or if I do I don't really know what to say... any suggestions. I just don't want to sound like I am begging him to come back but I am so scared of moving as this to me makes it really official - he couldn't come back to live with me even if he wanted to if I go to mums or move in with one of my girlfriends.

I just don't know what to do - I feel as though he stuffed up by leaving and he should have to fix it up by making the first move (i don't even think he wants to though).

I still feel like I am in limbo, even though my emotions have been manageable lately i just don't know how to move forward - I feel like I still have to keep a door of opportunity open to him and I feel that by having to move back to my mums I am shutting all door of opportunity....what do u think?

Sorry to ask for your help when you are in crisis yourslef but all of your advice to me so far has been so wise.

Please don't give up yet I know you are tired but maybe take a step back and talk some more to your counsellor and try to de-stress...also check out some web sites or books on how to handle cheating type behaviour, just do a general search on relationship advice and see what u can find.. in think even this site has some helpful advice on that.

I said remember that you are special and if he is too damn stupid to realise that then he is in the same category as my husband is right now... an idiot. Still I know this is only words but if you keep repeating them you soon cannot fight the truth that lies within them.

Keep your chin up and know that you have my support and prayers always.

R.B

Lonely

25th May 2001, 12:46 AM

Boy, that is a tough question. I guess all I can say is that you have to do what you have to do. If you can't afford to live where you are living then I guess you are going to have to move. Unless he pays his half of the rent. Which he said before that he isn't. Maybe when he does find out that you moved then that will be a shocker to him....then he will know that this is serious and not childhood games. Maybe you don't have to move back in with your mom. Is there a friend that needs a roommate or try to find a cheaper place so you could still have a place of your own. It is hard moving back in with parents after you have been on your own. Trust me, I know. My husband is being a real ***** lately so I am not having any contact with him at all. My emotions are hanging on by a string. i am almost to the point of thinking that I am better off without him. I gotta get back to work. Let me know what happens.
Lonely

r_brindley

28th May 2001, 07:10 AM

Hi again,

Thankyou for the advice. Yes I do have a friend who I can move in with however she cannot afford to move out for another month... so I have to be out on the 16th June and there will be 4 weeks in between where i have no alternative but to go home.. my finances are drained due to having to cope with everyithing on my own.

I am sorry to hear that your husband is being suck a sh**head. I have been getting very mixed messages from mine, let me explain and tell me what you make of this....

I had found out that I cannot get the bond released unless I have my husbands signature as well. So I could not call him as the friends he is staying with got thier phone dis connected. and then a new number. So I called around to see him.

At first he was really hostile towards me when I asked him to sign the form and he said I would need his bank account details too and i said "and why would that be?" and he said that half of the bond was his.. I said "well I figured that seeing as you haven't paid me rent for the past 8wks that you could make it up out of the bond" and he said "yeah that would be right ripping me off" and i told him I was not there to argue and he could have half of the bond if he wanted it.

THEN... and this is the bit I am totally confused about.. he said to our friends that he would go and get fish and chips for dinner and I asked if I could come for a drive too ( I wanted to talk to him away from everyone else) and he said "do you have to?" and i said "no why is it a problem?" and he said "Well only if you are going to start on me" and I told him I was way beyond that and he said then that I could come.

Whilst we were driving I asked him why he was so hostile towards me. He said he wasn't being hostile and I said to him that this doesn't have to be nasty especially after all our shared history together.

I told him that I realised he had made up his mind but that I still felt we could work it out if we really tried I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said he wasn't and that he wasn't interested i told him i was not seeing anyone either and that my heart still belonged to him.

I asked him if he still wanted a divorce and he said yes, that he was happy with the way he was living. I told him that it hurt me to hear that as he could be living his life as he was now and still be with me.

I told him that things would be different if he came back and he sat and said nothing. I said "you don't believe me do you?" and he said "no it's not that I don't believe you I just don't think I can do it" and with that I said "Well u know the door is always open - you know how I feel".

Then we started talking about old times - he brought them up and about our wedding day and just talking in general - he made an observation that i had lost a lot of weight ( I was never that much overweight anyway ) and I caught him looking at me out of the corner of his eye many times during the night - which made me think he obviously still likes what he sees - he even sat next to me on the lounge.

Our friends made the observation that i was really relaxed and i think my husband noticed that too.

He knows I have to move back home to my mothers but didn't seem to have an opinion about that.

But now I am so confused he says he still wants a divorce but he was almost flirting with me towards the end of the evening.

What should be my next move? I can't stand this waiting game... I know he keeps saying what he wants but then his actions betray his words. I am almost ready to give up.

What do u think?

Keep smiling and keep in touch.

Warms thoughts and prayers always

R.B

Lonely

29th May 2001, 08:31 AM

RB

Well to me that is very confusing. It still sounds to me like he isn't sure what he wants. He is saying that he still wants a divorce because he has already told you that and he feels that he can't just take it back. I sounds like after spending time with you, some meomories are coming back to him. I think that you acted very good in the situation that you was in. You didn't get upset or mad, you acted normal. He is giving you very mixed signals. I know that you are tired of waiting, but let that night sink into his brain a bit.
As for me things are not going to well. My husband says that he can't go to get help because he can't have something like that on his file with his job. Plus you says that he isn't comfortable with talking about his feelings to a stranger. How do I respond to that. I have changed the locks on my doors because I don't feel comfortable with him coming in the house whenever he pleases. He is like a stranger to me now. I had asked for the key back and he is finding every excuse not to get it back to me. I still have some of his things, and when I get the guts I will pack them up and take them to his fathers. I just don't know what is going to happen. I don't know what I even want to happen anymore.

r_brindley

29th May 2001, 10:03 AM

Hi Lonely,

I am letting it sink into his brain and i am hoping that he is missing me as much as I am him. you are right when you say that he probably feels like he can't take back the fact that he has told me he wants a divorce..
maybe it's a guy thing and he feels he has to have some kind of pride or something I don't know.

Anyways we have a mutual party to go to on the 9th of June and I am kind of freaking out about this as the guest list involves many single women and it will be kind of awkward but I think I will just act normal like last time and see what his reaction is.

I am sorry to hear about your husband saying he cannot go for counselling - why would it be on his record though? is this like a state law where u live or something? because counselling is supposed to be confidential.

It seems to me that the reason that your husband is not comfortable talking to a stranger is the same reason mine isn't - he is afraid that what they say won't be "you have done the right thing by running away" - the way you respond to that is to let him know that it hurts you and that you find it sad that after all the time you spent together he can just throw it away and not even be willing to try... tell him it takes a strong man to face his problems and a weak one to run away...

It is good that you have changed the locks - that was a real control stunt he tried to pull by not giving the key back... he has to realise that he does not OWN you and cannot expect to play these kind of games - it is emotionally abusive to expect to just come and go as he pleases - it stuffs with your mind.

It is wierd how you say that your husband is like a stranger to u now - that is almost how I feel - I don't know what to do from here i am at a bit of a stalemate... I feel that the ball is in his court but he is not running with it he is just standing still with it and this leaves me in limbo - I can't bring myself to even want to move on I would just like the chance to at least TRY to work things out. But he is not even giving me the chance and that hurts so much.

My depression is really hitting me today as I developed a film and it had some of our wedding photos on it... I bawled my eyes out all the way back to work from my lunch hour.

I would say pack your husbands things when u feel emotionally up to it as i found that this was the hardest thing for me to do.

I too am almost ready to give up - I am so tired of waiting and praying and getting no results, and the little acknowledgement he gives me just makes me hang on more and more but i need that - i can't seem to shake it which is weird because as i have said before there was never any co-dependancy in our relationship.

What does your counsellor say should be your next move?

Mine says to give it time and try to get involved with other social activities - which I am doing but this advice does not help me get my husband to come home!!!!!

Keep in touch. i had better get back to work.

R.B

Lonely

30th May 2001, 10:50 AM

Hi RB,

No it isn't a state law where I live that it would go into his record if he went to counselling. That is just an excuse he thought he could get away with. But I did reassure him that his is excuse wasn't true.

But now I have been thinking. If all these rumors are true about him being with another woman, and if a miracle happens and he dicides he wants to work harder at this marriage (and I PRAY for a miracle), would I ever be able to forgive him. Could things still work out? I know I would have a lot of anger and hurt because of it, but would I be able to ever trust him again. Well I even ask myself now if I would ever be able to trust him again. How can a marriage work if your spouse has been unfaithfull? I always said that I would never tolerate cheating. I just don't believe in it. I believe that you love someone, or you say you love someone, how could you do something so devistating to them? He still hasn't answer me when I ask him about this subject. He says that I have to ask him first in order for him to answer it. I have several e-mails saved and printed showing that I have asked him several times. There is even one day I even asked him twice. But still no answer. I have noticed that he has driven by the house everynight for the past three nights. He drives by real slow, but once he sees me in the window he speeds away. He is upset with me because I found out where he is living again. It is like he is wanting to hind from me. I also did a very bad thing this weekend. I went out last Friday night with a girlfriend and she had told me that she talked to one of my husbands co-worker's and asked who my husband was seeing. He just said that he wasn't getting in the middle of it but he knew that she was really cute. My friend said she asked him if he "has ever seen his wife"? Hehe. But anyway, he also told her that he knew that my husband "didn't do anything until after he moved out". Hummm. Well I got pretty upset and starting drinking my drinks rather fast. Before I knew it I was in the bathroom calling him and going off. Saying I wanted my keys back and his S**t out of my house and that I hoped she makes him happy. Then I left and but my car key that I have for the car he is driving in it. That is how he found out I knew where he lives. I appologized the next day and told him I had been drinking a lot and a lot of anger just let loose. I know that it isn't an excuse, I should have controled myself better. I should have never drank that much in the first place. Now all he says to me is "am I suppose to forgive you just like that everytime you say something mean". I then asked him if I was to just forgive him for leaving me with now discussion, showing no care in the world what happens to me or this marriage. He hasn't yet responded so I will let you know how it goes. But like I said, ever since that e-mail he has been driving be the house. I just can't play these games anymore. I AM TIRED!!!!! Well I better get going. I am not sure if I will be able to write much. I am watching my bosses lizard and a friend of mine cat and dog so I will be busy taking care of them for a while. But hey it is extra money that I NEED. I will do the best that I can responding and best wishes on your party on the 9th. Just remember, you are there to have a good time. Don't let him see that you are hurting and if I was you I wouldn't even MAKE an effort to talk to him, don't give him the cold shoulder, but don't make it look like you are looking for him the moment you walk in the door. Oh and just make sure that you look D@M# GOOD! That will really kick him in the butt. hehe. I am praying for ya.
Lonely

r_brindley

30th May 2001, 11:47 AM

Hi Lonely,

Far out how the heck do we both get out of this mess we are in? I just don't have anymore strength or resources left to try to get him back.... I am going crazy.

Like you I am tired of trying and getting no result.

Your husband is being a complete ***** by driving around - what the hell is the story with that? is he spying on you or just trying to get attention so he can then ignore you again. Just ignore his pathetic games - you are much better than that - so resist playing them.

It sounds like he has been seeing someone else hey? well then you need to still continue with your counselling and realise that you are special and worth so much more than a cheating man can offer if you feel you could not get past this - I know that is easy for me to say but I think that would be the final straw for me too and I think you had every right to react with anger and hurt and abuse - he has no right to make you feel guilty for reacting that way HE HAS HURT YOU DEEPLY!!!! - and if he was any kind of a man he wouldn't do this or play the psychotic stalking games he is playing - it's like he doesn't want you but still wants you to want him - how demented.

DON'T FEEL GUILTY FOR REACTING WITH ANGER - ANGER IS A HEALTHY EMOTION IF EXPRESSED CONSTRUCTIVELY AND WITHOUT VIOLENCE.

I too have friends who I think are witholding information from me about what my husband is up too. and it also hurts that I have friends who he has the hide to talk to as if nothing is happening and they just let him think that they are ok with what he has done by not telling him how they really feel.

I believe that both of our marriages still have a narrow chance but they will need A HUGE amount of counselling to get over the hurt and grief we have been through. A marraige can survive cheating - but it needs a lot more intense work so my counsellor tells me.

I am just sick of the empty house the empty bed the empty heart and the tears I cry every day - I just cannot shake this despair.

I have a wedding and honeymoon album full of professional photo's that are meant to be happy memories - but I have to go home and pack these tonight and I feel that once they are packed they may never get unpacked again... They say things happen for a reason - well I would like to know what the sick reason is for both of our suffering.

I just want him to come home and at least give our marriage the chance it deserves.

Bye for now - I am still praying for both of us.

God Bless

R.B

Lonely

1st June 2001, 09:27 AM

Well I got my keys back. He dropped them off last night while he was working the night shift. Plus I hear more stuff about him. Ya know, I throw my hands up of all of this. I am through, I can't deal with these games he is playing with me and trying to make me be the bad person. I give up. I don't I want to be with a person who is going to treat me this way anyway. Why should I degrade myself?

r_brindley

4th June 2001, 05:47 AM

Hi Lonely,

I too am almost given up.. I saw my husband on Friday just gone.

I was over where he is staying dying his friends wifes hair for her (my husband was at work... i get fridays off). I took my watch off to do this and was not watching the time when I heard my husbands car.

He came up the driveway and just said a really cold "hi" and went about polishing his car in the garage.

I went out to talk to him as I had to tell him that I had a friends new phone number and address and let him know what the status of our sick friends health is.

I also told him that I had run into an old friend of ours down at the gas station late and night and she asked why we had briken up, I said to him "I wish I knew the answer to that - can you tell me what I should be telling people when they ask?" he told me that he just doesn't feel the same anymore and he isn't EVER coming back that he doesn't WANT to come back.

This hurt me and I told him that only 9 months ago he had made a committment to stand by me through thick and thin for the rest of our lives I asked him what changed for him so drastically in 9 months - he said he just doesn't feel the same anymore.

I cried and told him that I still thought we had a chance to work it out - he again said he didn't want to. i told him that if he didn't face his fears he would carry them into the next relationship... he said "yeah well that's my problem isn't it" he told me I would move on... I told him he had no right to tell me how to feel that he doesn't even have any grief over this. He said he does miss me but "not in that way".. I could not listen to anymore I thought I was going to collapse.. He did say he isn't seeing anyone else BUT then a mutual friend tells me he saw my husband in the next suburb with some strange woman in the car that by all descriptions is no-one I know!!!!!

This is just hurting me so badly I want to let go and I am trying but i just can't I love him so much.

He told another male mutual friend that he does miss our intimate relationship - the sex!!

So I am thinking that if he isn't already seeing someone else he soon will be if only for sex.

What can I do I have tried everything - I have left him alone I have begged I have acted indiferent I have acted friendly.. I have prayed.

I do still want him back but I have lost all hope I can't get past this and I don't think I will handle it if he does see someone else... I want to move on but still cant let him go.... I am so angry confused and hurt.

How I am going to cope if he does see someone else I don't know.. It will be so in my face as we still both live in the same area.

Oh lonely it's really all over and i can't take it!!!!

R.B

Lonely

12th June 2001, 06:11 AM

Well it has been 4 months now and he still hasn't shown me any signs that he even cares or wants to try working things out. Our 4 year anniversary was last week and he didn't even accknowledge it. Nothing! That really hurts. Should I even wait anylonger? Am I waisting my time and heart ache? What should I do?

r_brindley

12th June 2001, 06:23 AM

Hi there lonely,

I know what you mean about not even being acknowledged. I feel the same. what does it say about the men we married that they can be such heartless P#@!%s. I don't know what to tell you only don't jump into another relationship too soon take time out... to do what I am not sure.

I am Just writing to say that I am giving up.

I am broken - like a glass that has been dropped on tiles I feel like i am in a million peices and cannot put myself back together again.

The mutual party on the 9th was awful - I felt like I was saying goodbye to that part of my life - like I knew that I would never again be at another social gathering with these mutual friends. My husband ignored me and made it very obvious he was uncomforatble with me being there - so much so that in the end I left. I went out looking damn good and he did at least take a second glance but he told another mutual friend that he does not want to come back and he doesn't want to try to work it out because he doesn't feel the same about me and "it just wouldn't work out".

I cannot do any more - I have to move back to my mothers this week for a little while as he has broken me financially.

People are telling me that "things happen for a reason" and maybe "it just wasn't meant to be" - those words are just that words - nothing takes away the world of pain, you can make a choice to try to move on and to try to heal but sometimes nop matter how hard you try to avoid the pain it runs you down like a freight train.

I just cannot fight for this anymore I am tired and drained and the sorrow is too much - the man I committed to for the rest of my life - the only lover I have known for the past 7 years doesn't want me and has left me without a second thought and for no good reason....

With all the changing seasons of my life - maybe I'll get it right next time.

Best of luck - I wish you only happiness, thank you for your support through the hard times I will never forget you.

luv

R.B.

[This message has been edited by r_brindley (edited 12 June 2001).]

Lonely

14th June 2001, 09:57 AM

It's over. I am not playing his childish games anymore. He has hurt me too much that I cannot forgive or forget. I wish that I wasn't saying this but I can't take it anymore. No I am not going to jump into another relationship. Starting all this crap over is not something that I am looking for right now. I wish I could say the same for him cuz he started another realtionship a long time ago. This is just stupid, and all of it could have been avoided if he would have just been a MAN about it. I still wonder what is is doing every waking moment and I just picture him with her..... How can I stop that? How can I stop caring about him? Does anyone have ANY suggestions?

r_brindley

14th June 2001, 11:44 AM

Hi there lonely,

I want u to know that u are special and he is just being a low-life creep. I know that this doesn't make u hurt any less or take the deep heartache away... my suggestion is continue with counselling and I don't know what else to tell u because I am at exactly the same point - I wish that someone could tell us both HOW to get beyond this... HOW to stop thinking about our husbands every waking moment - HOW to control the tears that just come without warning anytime and anywhere.

I sat at home with friends last night playing a board game and I looked around my house ( as u know I have to move tommorrow) and I thought to myself - this is the last time I will be sitting here in this house that we used to share together and i felt like an idiot but I started to cry because I feel like I am losing a part of my life - it is over - finished and I am not happy about it.. but what can I do?? I am so defeated.

If you get that advice you asked for on what to do now please tell me because I am lost myself and I am sorry I can not be more supportive of u whlist u are going through the same stage as me but I just don't know what to do and I know nothing I say can make u feel better - only I want you to know that I am here as a sounding board for you if you ever need me just post a message and I will be there.

I am so sorry to hear that he has been seeing someone else for a long time - you must feel so deceived. talk to your counsellor at length about how this makes you feel - bottling it up is no good.

Let me know how you are getting on. you are still in my prayers.

Warm wishes always

R.B

r_brindley

14th June 2001, 12:55 PM

Hi Lonely it's me again,

I think I may be on to something.... I just did a web search on letting go and I found this really good site and it's article made a lot of sense... check it out - the address is:-
www.effectiveliving.com/letgo.htm (http://www.effectiveliving.com/letgo.htm)

tell me what you think - it may work or it may not but I reckon the principles are at least worth a try.

warm regards

R.B.

Kate

14th June 2001, 09:15 PM

There is a section on the site about "when it's all over" (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/whenover/). You might be interested in the UniqueYou (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/php-bin/jump.php?linkid=104) site.

There isn't a quick way through what you're going through. It's a bereavement process, because you've lost someone you loved and who you thought loved you. Most of the relationship recovery sites recommend keeping in touch with your feelings and acknowledging them. It may be a painful process, but it's less harmful than denying them and trying to push them inside. Your counsellor should be able to help.

Just remember you're special and your value is not based on what your husband thinks of you or how he has treated you.

It has been quite moving reading how you two have supported each other through these tough times - thank you both for doing it through this forum. I'm sure others have been helped.

With very best wishes

Kate

[This message has been edited by Kate (edited 14 June 2001).]

r_brindley

18th June 2001, 07:10 AM

Dear Kate,

Thankyou for your kind words. I have decided to try to move on with my life, it is all I can do as part of the process of trying to heal. I have also purchased a book called "when your lover leaves" although it is not specifically for divorce it has a lot of useful information and advice as per the stages that you go through when a relationship ends.

I am still quite hurt of course and I am told by my counsellor that it will probably take me a long time to heal but I am just taking it one step at a time - it is all I can do. I still hold out hope that my husband might eventually want to try to work things out but I know this is probably a fools hope and i cannot sit around waiting for this to happen.

I moved back home to my mothers on the weekend and this was my darkest hour. I really felt broken and it now feels so final. but I cannot let the depression overwhelm me - i am trying to just do things for me.

Lonely and i have formed a very special bond through our shared experiences and support and I will always keep checking back to this message board as it has really been instrumental in my healing process to be able to converse with someone who is actually going through the same trauma... the added support she has offered me has meant more than words can describe.

I will keep popping into this forum and will recommend it to others as it really has the most useful information of all the sites I have visited (and believe me if you can name a site designed to try to stop or prevent seperation or divorce i have searched it for answers in the past 10 weeks).

Warm wishes always

R.B

Lonely

19th June 2001, 09:33 AM

RB

I am so very sorry that things just are not working out the way that we hoped and prayed. Now is the time to reflect on the things that we both have learned and how they have made us both stronger. We will always have a place in our hearts for these big jerks that we married because we will always love them. If we didn't we wouldn't have made the commitment to them in the first place. My husband is now telling me that one of the biggest reasons he left was because he wanted me to be happy. HUH! I went to his dads house earlier this week to take some of his stuff there and his dad told me that my husband said "I am just leaving her before she leaves me" These coments really confuse me and he doesn't seem to want to elaberate on them. I still think that he is very confused. I wrote him a letter last night and he came by to pick it up. Today during my lunch hour he drove by the house again. It makes me think, but it also makes me get my hopes up that he actually misses me and is thinking about working things out. But I know I need to stop playing these mind games with myself.
Anyway, how is living with your mom? I hope things go well for you and I would definatly want to keep in touch with you and how things are going for you. Please keep in touch.
Lonely

r_brindley

19th June 2001, 01:20 PM

Hi there lonely,

Living with my mum is really hard - not because we are arguing (amazingly we are not as yet) but because I feel so out of control of my own life. I hate having to do this. I just wish my husband wanted to try to work things out I wish that someone could give me some pointers on HOW to get him to at least consider coming back to me, but no-one can.

On the night that I had to move back to my mums I sat and cried for hours in the dark of my old house that I moved from... at that moment I hated my life soo much and it was quite literally the darkest hour I have had yet.

Also I saw my husband last night. I was having a barbeque with mutual friends and he turned up uninvited. He was quite civil to me and we talked about his work and his mother and so on but he did not bring up the subject of us and neither did I - it just seems as though he is acting as if nothing has happened and that he thinks I am ok with what he is doing. What should I do? I really want to write him another letter but I am afraid of how he may react.

One of our mutual friends jokingly said "you look great - I think I might have to take u to dinner now u are single" - he said this in front of my husband (probably to get a rise out of him) but my husband just gave a sort of half smile and nervously laughed - I told the friend that I am NOT single I am seperated and not interested in dating anyone( I know he was only joking but i felt I needed to say that).

I know my husband is not seeing anyone else YET and I still hold out hope whilever he isn't seeing anyone.... but i am just not sure if I am doing the right thing by hoping, some days I feel defeated and other days I still see a glimmr of hope - when is the time to give up trying? - what is the correct thing to do now - just do nothing? I have been doing nothing towards real reconciliation and yes it is helping me heal by not begging him to come back but you know....

I guess I am just going through the "letting go" stage and sometimes reverting back to the "despair" and then the "denial" stages, apparently according to my counsellor this is normal but it just feels so ridiculous I never know how I am going to feel from one day to the next.

Do u think that your husband may be having second thoughts or is he just playing mind games? is he still seeing the other women... if he is my advice is give him a miss as he is not showing that he is committed to a reconciliation if he is continuing to see someone else.

Have u any idea why he would say that he thought u would leave him? that is a very bizarre thing to say - have u ever threatened it? it is very confusing and seems as though he may be a bit mixed up about his decision huimself - let him come to you though.

Please stay in touch.

Still breathing on the smouldering fire of hope...

Warm thoughts and prayers always

R.B.

Lonely

27th June 2001, 09:51 AM

Well things seem to be a bit more confusing for me. My husband and I have been talking more civily on the phone but now he is calling me things like "babe" and "hun" like he use to. My cousellor thinks that maybe he is starting to realize that he is throwing away a great person. I just wich I knew what he is thinking right now. What he working towards in this relationship. Cuz I have no clue what he is doing. I have told him how things have changed for me now that I feel more comfortable with myself. I went into a big depression because I had gained alot of weight after we got married. He took that as his fault. I have tried to tell him that it wasn't because of him. But he seems to let it flow in one ear and out the other. I open my heart to him and he comes back with "why couldn't you do that before when I have asked you to over and over again. Why does it take me to leave in order for you to realize that?" I have tried to tell him that I am learning how to communicate and that I didn't know how before. That it took this to make me realize that I couldn't do it on my own and that I need prefessional help. He says that it is just an excuse as always. How do I respond to childish responses like that. He frustrates me so much I just want to blow up at him.
Lonely

r_brindley

27th June 2001, 12:16 PM

Hi there lonely,

Well it seems that he is very much playing on your vulnerability. He is making you almost apologise for HIS actions... he left - how is that for poor communication. Now you try to explain and he tells you you are making excuses - HUH?????

but what you do is this.....

It is still a positive step as he HAS made an effort - you need to get him to a marraige counsellor quick smart. How did the civilness and the phone calls even come about - who initiated that?

As for me I have spoken to my husband as recently as Monday night. I had caved in and written him a letter. It was not a letter to beg just an analysis of our situation and some suggested solutions.

I had asked him to call me once he had read it and he did.

I made a time to go around and see him where he is staying (still with mutual friends) and i went around and he sat me down and said things like "I don't feel the same way about you anymore and I am never coming back"

I remained calm - I did not scream or yell or raise my voice - I did however end up crying.

I asked him if he is seeing anyone else, he said "not that it is any of your business but no I am not" i told him of course it is my business I am his wife and the women he made a vow to stand by for the rest of his life. he said " we are only married on paper now" I told him that was the most hurtful thing that anyone has ever said to me - he said nothing.

I told him that I could have left him 4 years ago when he wasn't working and I was supporting him but that I hadn't - I had stuck by him through thick and thin because I loved him then and after all he is putting me through I still love him.

he said nothing except he doesn't want to talk about it and that it is definately over.

I told him he has no remorse for what he is doing to me - he says he does but he can live with it. I told him that I had not changed he had - I said he was being very selfish and that i have asked only for his love and compassion.

He told me that he is being selfish and he feels he has every right to be that he does not have to answer to me anymore.

I told him he could not deny that there is still a strong physical attraction between us - he stated that there isn't.

He told me he wouldn't care if I was seeing someone else and wished that i would give up on him. I told him I had no interest in anyone else and that I could not just fall out of love with him and give up on him like that.

I asked him how he went from loving me (as he still states that he loved me when he married me) to having no emotion but contempt for me in only 7mths ( he has been gone now for almost 3 mths)... he coulodn't answer me.

In the end i left by saying "one day you will realise that life is not about irresponsibility and cars and toys and that sometimes you have to consider people other than yourself in the decisions you make."

He told me he is never coming back no matter what i say. - it was like he was a broken record repeating himself.. he really sounded convinced with his own words too.

I am defeated now - I have tried EVERYTHING. he just does not love me - but yet he doesn't want anyone else... (however I hear rumours that he was at a strip show on Saturday night....he did not even deny this) it is so unlike him - his whole personality has just turned into completely the opposite of what he was for the past 7 years. I need advice on what to do about this... should I just give up????? is there any hope left after what he has said? can I change his mind - if so HOW?

i don't get it and still have no solid reason.

I hope that unlike my husband yours does make all the neccessary changes and try to work things out with you.

Let me know how you go - still thinking of you and praying for you.

regards

R.B.

[This message has been edited by r_brindley (edited 27 June 2001).]

Lonely

4th July 2001, 07:35 AM

Well he still doesn't seem to want to grow up. He doesn't relize that he needs to let go of some emotional baggage before it smothers him. I keep trying to tell myself that it isn't my problem because I am not the one that is going to live the rest of my life unhappy. But, I care about him and I do want him to be happy. Things will never work out between us if he doesn't get help, and he has bascially shown me that he doesn't need help. Everything that has gone wrong between us is my fault. Why can't he stop talking about how much of a man he is and start acting like one. I am so tired of being in limbo and I just want to get on with my life, but I can't until I know what his feelings are. I need either an improvment or closure.

r_brindley

4th July 2001, 10:12 AM

Hi there,

I am sorry to hear that your husband is not willing to make the changes neccessary to build a stronger marraige with u.

Don't buy into his rubbish about it being your fault - maybe you did play a part in your break up as I probably did in mine - but ultimately it was our husbands that were too weak to address whatever issues they had and they left... you are right, both of our husbands need to grow up.

What does your husband say he wants - does he want a divorce? is he still not prepared to go to counselling? is he still seeing the other woman??

You need to take all the answers to these questions and look at the situation u are in... he is leaving you in a grid lock.

A good friend of mine emailed me the other day with some advice that although it hurt at first has now made me think...

I had seen my husband and he was quite civil - I even stayed to watch a video with him and our mutual friends - we talked and laughed but it was as though i was just some woman he knew not his wife. it was like he thinks i am ok with this whole situation now and if he acts like nothing has happened I will be ok with it... but i am not. And his acting this way made me get my hopes up...

I would like to share an extract from the email that my friend sent me that has had a profound impact on my way of thinking...
____________________________________________
Dear R.B,

it is high time that you start to deal with the fact that (husband) is not coming back... I believe anyone deserves another chance but unfortunately I feel that u won't be given one, and you need to come to terms with that.

I know how hurt you are and how you did not deserve any of this to happen but the fact is it did, and you have no control over it... I understand that you want (husband) back but you should also try to get on with your life a little. do not think for a second that (husband) is not getting on with his. Life is not going to be great for you if you just sulk around, yes u can still be upset and have fun, and still want (husband) back but don't let it take over your life.

You are a dear friend and I just want you to know that I do care and that is whay I am telling you this.

love your best friend *******
____________________________________________
This letter was literally like a slap in the face, at first I thought "how rude" and I was very insulted and hurt but then I read it and re-read it and the advice started to sink in.

I think it holds sound advice for the both of us... the fact that this has happened hurts us like nothing else on earth but we cannot change our husbands - they have to WANT to change. and we cannot let the grief and despair run our lives. We may not get closure until the divorce is finalised but in the mean time we should not be sitting around waiting and hanging on to something that is slowly dying and is beyond our control to save... we have BOTH tried so hard to save our marraiges alone but it takes the effort of our husbands too....and niether of them wants to make that effort.

I am trying my hardest to takes my friends advice and although I still hurt and cry most days i am still doing things to heal my spirit.... I hope u can make the same choice.

I will be checking up on u via this board and posting any updates and hope u will still do the same.

You are always in my thoughts and prayers...

Kind regards

.R.B.

confused

9th July 2001, 05:16 AM

Lonely,
In my opinion, RB is absolutely correct although it is hard to move on. I am in the same position except that the roles are reversed. my wife is the one not wanting to work on the marriage. Although she did start seeing a councelor last week as I did also. Hopefully, we can get our own issues resolved and then move on with the marriage but you have to take it day by day and keep your head up. I realized that I had a lot of growing up to do but it may have been too late to see it but I will continue to work on my own problems that will make me a better person for the future. Have you saught counceling for yourself? Maybe it will help you deal with the "break-up" a little better. If he sees you trying to better yourself for YOUR future, he may get the hint and see that he too needs help? I don't know your whole situation but I am sure you will eventually come to the conclusion that there is life after marriage.
Love, A Friend

------------------

Jante

9th July 2001, 05:42 AM

Hi Lonelty and RB. Wnated to say how much your messages have helped me. Only found the site tonight but have been going through the same for 4 months. Only difference, we've been married 16 years, have three children and he walked out after I found out he'd had an affair. I'm willing to forgive and forget and work at our marriage. But despite going to counselling we seem no further forward. Am trying to take your advice about giving him space but its not easy as he comes to see the children 3 times a week. I love him and miss him but it means nothing to him. Thanks for your encouragement to each other it has helped me/ Jante

r_brindley

9th July 2001, 07:30 AM

Dear Jane and Confused,

Thankyou both for adding your insight and sharing your situations, I cannot tell u enough how much lonley's support has meant to me and also the support of all the others in this forum... although I still have days where it is hard to even get out of bed (Friday just gone was the 3mth seperation mark and that was a REALLY hard day) I somehow tell myself i have to keep going.

Jane I can only imagine how much harder it is for you after 16 years and children, but I think the most important thing to do now is try to remain at least on friendly terms for the children's sake as i know coming from a broken home myself as a child it was made all the more hard for me because my parents were nasty to each other and said nasty things about each other to me in the hope that I would like one better than the other.

Try to be strong and keep seeing a counsellor for both yourself AND your children (if they are old enough... hang in there.

all the best.. R.B

Confused,

Thankyou for adding a male point of view to the situation... I admire you for seeking help to resolve your own issues - this can only be a positive thing no matter what the outcome of your marriage is....

For background on lonley and I's situation you can click on page 1-3 and page 3 will show you the first message we ever posted.. all posts are from most recent downwards so your messagge is on our most recent page... but we have been supporting each other for a little over 3 months now - which as I keep saying has been a HUGE help to me.

I wish you luck in getting your marriage back together.

best wishes

R.B

[This message has been edited by r_brindley (edited 09 July 2001).]

Lonely

9th July 2001, 08:34 AM

Dear Confused,

Thank you for your insight. For a while there I was beginning to think that all men were heartless. But I still believe that my husband is. I have been seeking help for the past three and a half months, it has shown him nothing. He just doesn't seem to want to grow up. He wants he toys (like playstation and motorcycles) and thinks that running away will make everything all better. I have tried to get him to understand that it doesn't work that way and he will have to explain some things to me sometime. I don't make any contact with him anymore, but now it seems that I run into him even more. This is so frustrating. What do you think I should do, from a man's point of view? You can get more info from previous listings like RB said.

RB,
Thank you for the kind words. You have been an absolute Saint. It is so comforting to talk with someone who actually is going through the same emotions has me. I still pray for you everyday. Thank you. How have things been going?
Lonely

r_brindley

9th July 2001, 10:34 AM

Hi Lonely,

Well things weren't so bad until just then....

I had a doctors appt in my lunch hour and whilst in the waiting room I happened to glance at the lady sitting next to me... it was the celebrant that married me.

Well she asked me how my husband was and i couldn't lie... so in my lowest voice i told her he left me. i honestly wanted to sink through the floor the whole waiting room was listening and i just stated that i didn't really know why and then I cancelled my doctora appt and left. I am so embarrassed and upset - she only married us 10 months ago.

I saw my husband recently too and he ignored me - he spoke to me but it was more me talking and him just nodding... not even a real conversation. i have left him alone and only speak to him if I run into him - Ironically that is a lot lately too. he is the same as your husband in that he doesn't want to grow up and life is all about cars and playstation (Sony has a lot to answer for!!! ha ha.

He is still not seeing anyone (thank goodness) but is not even slightly interested in me. he has not been to any counselling (still refuses to go and states that it would not make any difference to how he feels about me. I too would like a mans point of view on what I should do... (my counsellor is a lady).

I still think of you and pray for you every day... and hope that you are finally getting somewhere with this whole thing. Has your husband filed for divorce yet - can he file before 12mths where you are? let me know how things are going.

RB

jante

10th July 2001, 12:42 AM

Thanks RB, We both work hard at not involving the children and making sure that we are on good terms for their sake. Its just when we are on our own that it becomes hard as he wants to treat me like a sister and I want my husband back. We are continuing with counselling and in the next few weeks I am going to arrange to see less of him to see if that helps by giving him space and try to make the pain less for me. Not sure if its the right thing to do but only thing I haven't tried yet.
Thanks for listening,Jante

jante

10th July 2001, 12:43 AM

confused

10th July 2001, 03:07 AM

Lonely,
I have been thinking about what you asked me in your previous reply about how I can help from a mans point of view. I really don't know what to say. I only wish that my wife was as willing to work on our marriage as you are. All I really can say is that don't give up hope. Someone mentioned to me, in my forum (I Want To Work Things Out), That I should read John Grays Book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" because it helped them understand their partner better. Several people have actually recomended this but I haven't yet got the book. Maybe your husband has needs other than motorcycles and Playstation that he doesn't even realize. It Sounds like you can offer things that 2 wheels and a 5" CD can't.
Keep Your Head Up
Dave

lonely

12th July 2001, 07:24 AM

My husband has always been the type of man that needs the attention and affection all the time. I on the other hand has been the type of woman that doesn't need that. He has told me that that is one reason why he left...he didn't feel loved. Every second of the day that goes by would love to take those times that we ignored eachother and change it all. The thing that is the most frustrating is that he doesn't want to listen to anything that I have to say, that I have changed and I have seen the error of my ways through conselling. but he doesn't what to see the error of his ways. In his eyes he is perfect and he has never done anything to hurt me like I have hurt him. He also told a couple of people that he was "leaving me before I left him". He has a real big "abandonment issuse" that goes all the way back to his childhood. But you try to talk to him about it and he gets mad and starts yelling at me. His own father has even tried to talk to him about it and now they havn't spoken in weeks. It has been 4 months now and I have no clue what he has going on in his head. How can I let him know that I need to know how I am going to spend the rest of my life, with or without him. I am tired of sitting around waiting while he is having the time of his life. Several people have asked me, "Why would you even consider working things out with him after all this?" And I ask myself the same thing. Do I even still want to work things out or has he scared me for life? I don't know! I hate not having the answers. I would really like to kick the crap out of him and make something click in that small little brain of his. But that won't glue my heart back together after being smashed into dust. How can someone go from loving you to not even caring if I drop off the face of the earth. The past couple of weeks I would lay outside in my yard and just pray that the earth would just swallow me up. I CAN"T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

r_brindley

12th July 2001, 08:33 AM

Dear Lonely,

I really understand your frustration.. You know you have changed but are not being given the chance to prove it... me too.

Unfortunately if he has pre-existing issues that he is not willing to address then he is the one that will continue miserably as he will carry these issues with him and they will afect him forever and a day until he DOES address them.

I think that he is trying to put a lot of the blame onto you for his leaving and this is very wrong - DON"T BUY INTO IT!!! as I have said maybe you did play a part in it but how were you to know what you were doing to cause him to leave if he did not even discuss it with you first???... he just left and that is HIS mistake not yours.

You can't change what has ALREADY happened - you can only move towards creating a better person within yourself for the furture - and you can do this by going to counselling and seeing that you don't NEED him to complete your life - you are worthy of a good life with or without him... We would both PREFER that we share our lives with our husbands but in reality do we really rely on them for our total happiness?

He is wrong about himself if he thinks he is perfect... nor you or I or our husbands are perfect - we are ALL human and we all have faults... I too am sick of waiting for my husband to change, he knows that i want him back but has made no effort at reconciliation so I am just acting indifferent at the moment and not begging or pleading or even making any attempt to change his mind about the decision he has made... I have tried all that and it hasn't worked.

I am not seeing anyone else and neither is he ( I am sure that it would break me if he was) but by the same token I am sick of feeling miserable and refuse to let my life or my happiness be reliant on him any more... I have had 3 months of hell and pain and I cannot live like it any longer.

I too have been asked why I would consider taking my husband back after what he has put me through these past 3 months and my answer is now that i would not take him back as he is NOW as he hasn't changed - he is selfish and childish and shows me no regard for my feelings - I don't want to be with a man who is like this - if however he made an improvement SOON and showed me that he was willing to work on his own issues and then work on ours ( I don't even know what our issues are though - so you have one up on me as your husband has told you his lame reasons) THEN I will take him back.

I wish I could answer the question of how our husbands can go from loving us to loathing us in such a short time - I ask myself the same question on a daily basis and have even asked my husband but I still don't have the answer to that million dollar question I am afraid.

I think we both need to take time out from it all, just sit back and let what will be happen... we may not like it but we have not got any control over it and that we have proved so far with our tiresome efforts.

Maybe soon we will both be able to get beyond this - I am still thinking of you buddy and praying for you. please stay in touch and let me know if you have any progress.

r.b