marital conflict

[wife]

how do you settle an argument when both parties have such a different recollection of what happened

[Kate]

It's no use just trying to sort out who said what. Perhaps you should set aside the issue to start with and make friends again. It always helps to understand how each other are feeling and to say sorry for any pain that your words have caused, because I'm sure you want to be close again as well as sorting out the issue. When things have cooled down, perhaps you could try writing down in a sentence or two, what the actual issue is. It may not be what you were arguing about, because heated words can result in lots of other unsorted issues coming to the surface.

When you've identified what the issues are, and they may not be the same for both of you, try discussing them again. You could use a card or a cushion which each person holds when it's their turn to speak. Try and use 'I' statements rather than 'you' statements.

There is an area on the site called Conflict, Arguments and Forgiveness (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffhurtforg/)which includes relevant articles Making Fights work for your Relationship (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffhurtforg/fightwork/) and Forgiveness is a Gift you Give Yourself (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffhurtforg/forgivegift/).

Listening is as important as getting your own point of view over. If you don't listen, you can't really know where your partner is coming from. You'll never sort things out if your only aim is to win. Your aim should be for you both to win, with the outcome being the best for your relationship.

[This message has been edited by Kate (edited 13 September 2000).]

[Cherokee]

Now heres a one.Personally I find men very good at turning things around to make YOU look like everything was your fault.My advice go and read a book ,listen to music,have a cooling off period and if the subject comes up later,tell him why you said what you did and tell him how xyz makes you feel.Do not do what i did and end up on anti-depressants because your husband has you believing everything is your fault.Sometimes you have to believe in yourself and your own judgement.