Time to Give Up?

[Carhar]

Hi. Hope someone can help.

I’ve been with my partner for 17 years (married for the last 6). We started dating while we were very young and are now both in our mid-30s.

Things have been getting me down for some time now, almost to the stage where I feel I am depressed. There has been no sex or physical contact between us for almost three years (except for the occasional hug). My husband won’t talk about the issue as he is of the opinion that it will sort itself out and that it isn’t really a big problem as we generally get on well and don’t argue. I happen to disagree strongly and feel that the marriage is now under threat. He says that he hasn’t been seeing anyone else and can’t explain why he doesn’t need or want to have sex with me. I just find this really unusual for an otherwise healthy man in his mid-30s.

I have never looked outside the marriage for sex but I met someone recently who made me feel good about myself and, for the first time, I felt tempted. I didn’t do anything though as I know this would only add to the marriage problems. I just want to feel like a woman who is desired again and not like a mother or a sister to my husband.

There is also the issue of family. I don’t think I can wait around hoping that things will improve as time is running out for me to start a family (not only my age but a medical problem I have). My husband can’t say if or when he wants to start a family and this is really getting me down. He doesn’t seem to care about the medical condition I have as he hasn’t asked any questions about it and hasn’t even tried to read up on it.

I just don’t know how to get through to him that I need things to change. If I try and talk about things he doesn’t listen and prefers to bury his head in the sand. I don’t want to walk out on everything we have together as I really do love him but I have to start thinking of myself and my own needs.

Anyone been through this who can offer any advice?

Thanks!

[Ginger God]

Hello Carhar..

Swap your husband for my wife..she was the same except she was seeing other people. It took a long time foe me to pluck up the courage but I did and left her..and I have three kids.
You have a life..he seems like an ostrich and wants the easy life..at your expense.
Sit him down and tell him..there is no beating about the bush here that your marriage is in deep trouble and you want out. See what his reaction to that is. If its indifferent then you know what you have to do.
Wont be easy but life isnt.
No point in me rattling on for ages.

Graham

[Mike56]

I'm with Graham - you have emotional and sexual needs which are natural and which are you entitled to have met. If you are unhappy, and he won't or can't address that with you in a loving and supportive way then you really do need to look at other ways of resolving things.

Mike.

[perfectmarriage]

I can't really give any advice here because I can't project myself into your situation. I simply can't imagine not wanting sex with my wife. So anything I say here is simply guesswork - nothing more than that.

I would venture to suggest, though, that you are absolutely right - it's not natural for a man not to want sex. There must be some underlying reason for it. Maybe he is secretly hooked on porn and can't stop himself masturbating to the extent that he doesn't have enough sexual energy for you. Maybe he's lying about not seeing someone else. Maybe he has a medical problem (such as diabetes) that makes it difficult for him to get an erection and he won't face up to it. Maybe he has an acute case of performance anxiety. Maybe he has a history of sexual abuse. But whatever it is you have to make him face up to it. Us men are too adept at putting our heads in the sand about such issues, I'm afraid. He owes it to you to get to the bottom of it.

This is a really stupid suggestion (sorry) but have you tried writing down how you feel? The trouble with talking about it face to face is that he might get defensive and instinctively back away - men are not good at dealing with confrontation - and you may (understandably) get upset, frustrated and angry. Writing it down enables you to think carefully about what you want to say and gives him time to absorb it and consider his response. Make it clear that writing it down is not a one-way thing - you want to discuss it (maybe even setting a time when you want to do this) or he can put his thoughts in writing if he prefers.

It might sound daft for a married couple to write letters to each other but I've found that it can be a very good way to communicate on occasion.

I really feel for you and I hope you don't get to the point where you feel you have to give up.

[lismant]

If boring already trapped you down... no other words can say ... the chemical reaction has no longer works on you or you both, be a friend of her/him and talk like men....

[Ginger God]

If boring already trapped you down... no other words can say ... the chemical reaction has no longer works on you or you both, be a friend of her/him and talk like men....

Sorry..... but even I dont understand what you have said in the above statement.
Carhar..... let us know how you get on.

Graham

[helenrw200]

I think maybe lismant is here mainly to advertise his/her diamond site !

[Bothered & Bewildered]

Hi Carhar,

I have been going through exactly the same thing for the past 5 years with my husband.

Here's what I did: I sat down armed with a good bottle of wine, loads of olives and good music and started writing down and analysing the ups and down of our relationship, but for the first time I did this in a very detached, objective way, trying to find a pattern. I made this project my utmost priority and when I finally saw one emerging, I did a bit of snooping on his phone, ipod, email, etc, and then a bit of research of my own and putting 2 and 2 together I have now realised my husband is one of the millions of men around the world addicted to porn and self gratification.

I have looked into the ugly truth of my relationship and, since it hasn´t killed me, I can only assume it will make me stronger. It already is. And that can't be bad.

It's a painful, heartbreaking truth, but at least the little nagging voice in my head wondering whether it was my fault, wondering whether I was undesirable and unattractive, wondering, always wondering, has been replaced with a strong voice reminding me of my self worth, respect and beauty. And that can't be bad.

I still don't know what I'm going to do with this. I don't know if our marriage is going to survive it. But at least now I KNOW. And that can't be bad.

Maybe your husband's problem is along the same lines, or maybe it's something completely different, but before you give up, try to find out what the REAL PROBLEM is. Knowledge gives you power, power gives you strength, and whether you decide to stay or leave, you will need as much strength as you can get. And that can´t be bad.

Good luck!!

[jo71]

My situation is very similar...I actually was going to start a thread but saw this one so I will just piggyback on here...

My husband and I have been married for almost 17 yrs. 2 kids ages 16 and 12. We married young, but the 1st 15 yrs were a perfect marriage...and I don't mean just perfect on the surface. I could not have asked for better. The past couple of years however have been really tough. Our 16 yr old has started experimenting w/ drugs, our 12 yr old is failing in school and it's a constant struggle w/ her. Not to mention, I have gained about 20 lbs, my face has broken out horribly due to the stress...this is causing me to feel fat and ugly. Because of all this, I don't feel good about myself...I have had no sex drive, and I am guilty of not showing him as much affection and intimacy as we have in the past. He has tried to be affectionate with me, and I give him just enough in return to leave him frustrated and mad at me. I admit that I am at fault here. Well, he dropped the bombshell a couple of weeks ago that he wants to leave. I just wish I had seen this coming...I would have taken whatever steps were necessary to fix this issue of mine. I think I always thought his love was unconditional ("divorce" wasn't even in our vocabulary before), and never realized how fragile our marriage was. At this point, he has *reluctantly* agreed to stay for a little longer to *try* to work it out, but he doubts that we can. He feels "used" and says that has caused him to lose love and respect for me. I am totally devestated because even though I had a hard time showing it the past year or two, I still deeply love him...he is my world.

I am posting on this thread because I want to point out that if your spouse is not showing you affection, it may not be about you, per se. Talk to him/her...they may be struggling with low self-esteem or other internal issues. Someone on this thread suggested sexual abuse....I wonder if that is a possibility with me. I was sexually abused as a young child but I had never thought it had emotionally damaged me...like I said, our marriage was great for 15 yrs, so I don't know if that would be an issue here or not.

Anyway, hopefully this will help someone, and if anyone has advice for me, that would be greatly appreciated too.

Thanks,
Jo

*Want to edit to also add that there is no other extramarital stuff going on, either on his end or my end*

[Carhar]

Thanks for all your responses. Much appreciated.

Perfectmarriage – with regard to your suggestion of writing things down, we went down this road almost a year ago and I listed things that I felt needed addressed in our marriage. Without showing this list to my husband, I asked him to write a list of things he felt needed addressed. Needless to say, his list was almost non-existent and my list was two and a half pages (I included some thoughts about how things may be improved). After this, I got more and more upset as I didn’t feel he was taking anything seriously.

I have also asked him about masturbation, he claims that he doesn’t do it often it is just that he hasn’t got much of a sex drive at the moment. I really and truly do not think he is into porn. He doesn’t spend long on the computer at home and there is no evidence of any materials at home.

With regard to him seeing someone else, he also assures me this is not the case. I had suspected this a couple of years ago but didn’t go snooping for evidence ‘cause I felt I knew him and therefore should be able to trust him.

I will add that I have been to see a counsellor on my own (he is reluctant to go) and this helped me a bit with my own low feelings (no self worth, undesirable, etc).

I really do not know how things will move forward for us and as mentioned previously, I am running out of time to start a family. He does tell me he loves me and that he wants things to work out but I am now feeling that these are only words.