Here is my positive post for the day

[FrontPorchRocker]

My positively rotten day just turned into a positively rotten night.

Hubby decided to tell me that he is perfectly happy with the way things are. He wants me to keep taking care of him, doing special things for him, and doing all the house work while I work full time and also raise our two sons. While his only requirement is to mow the lawn for me.

He said, "If you don't like the arrangement, you know where the door is." This is so out of character. I mean I know he doesn't care about me anymore but never said anything to this kind of affect before. He also just said it out of the blue. We haven't talked in days and he just says it.

Anyway, I might have stuck my foot in my mouth by telling him sarcasticly, "Why mow the lawn? I am doing everything else, what's a little grass cutting for me?"

HaHa, why is he mowing the lawn for me? Am I going to die from GRASSTOTALLITIS if he doesn't?

[Anne22]

Hi

Sod the lawn stupid man!!!

Sorry to hear what a totally selfish h you have!!!! You too!!!

My h used to be great at doing DIY jobs around the house the lawn and car cleaning etc! Now he is away so much when he does decide to come home he eats and then just falls asleep on the sofa!!!! So see his eyelids more than anything else. Often spends the weekend asleep on the bed or in front f the telly!! Not engaging in family life much and if he does its all the nice bits!!!!

Why is it men say 'I will cut the lawn for you' as if he is making a big effort for us rather than taking responsibility that it is his lawn too!!!

Sorry guys realise you are all not like this!!!

SOunds to me like you need to go out on strike and then perhaps he may realise just what you do do!!! Obviously not down tools with all the stuff you do with your boys!! But perhaps its about time he did a few special things for you!!

Try not to get bitter - we make our own choices - you need to stay happy and like Mike says - be positive!! Be positive for you and the boys and let your negative h get on with his own misery dont be part of it!!!

Good luck and think hard before you make that next supper for him!!!

Perhaps HE should know where the door is if he just expects to live in the house like a house guest!!! How dare he threaten you like this!!! PIG!!!!

Take care - thinking of you

Anne22 xx

[FrontPorchRocker]

Okay......He does work hard and long hours for his paying job. Does that work for a positive comment? :)

I know what you mean. When he is home, I see him long enough for him to complain about something and then he is gone. Usually to watch TV or to get on the computer.

He did manage to call out for pizza tonight since I had to work late. Ooooh hooO
There is another positive. (I think?)

I am still kinda stuck on the lawn thing. I am sitting on the couch, looking around to figure out what chore I can say that I do for him that sounds just as rediculous as the lawn mowing. Any idea? I am coming up with just dusting so far. Still doesn't seem quite right.

Kim

[Mike56]

Do you wash his shirts,socks and underwear? STOP. When he starts being nice to you, start again.

Mike.

[Mike56]

Having now thought about this a bit more, a couple of things are jumping out at me:

1: You know where you stand - and as you yourself said, he doens't usually talk about this stuff, so that's a start!

2: I quote - "When he is home, I see him long enough for him to complain about something and then he is gone. Usually to watch TV or to get on the computer." I accept this has arisen over time, but are there any key words jumping out there? Like "complain" for example? How about some praise when he DOES do some good stuff? You'll have heard of "Pavlov's Dogs"? The basic premise there is that you can train people to do things by them learning that certain actions produce certain results.

In the case of the dogs, Pavlov showed that you could teach the dogs to salivate just by ringing a bell. He did it by showing them a piece of meat and ringing a bell at the same time. The dogs grew to associate the bell with the meat with salivating. Eventually, he would just ring the bell - the dogs would salivate without the meat. Men (and women!) will respond in a similar fashion.

3: Have you considered GROW'ing together? Or even GROW'ing a strategy to move on?

That's Goal / Reality / Options / What

What's your Goal - what do you want to achieve? Where to get to?
What's the Reality - what's the current "place you are in" - and when you look at the two, what's the gap between them? What's actually going on here?
What are your Options - what can you do - what would happen if you did x/y - what have you seen others successfully do?
What are you going to do? When? Who? Have you the Will to do it?

Go for the small, easy stuff first! Praise him for getting the pizza.

Then do your GROW analysis and find one small thing to work on. I said ONE!

Then go for another ONE. No doubt there will be many things you want to work on, but do it in small, easy steps. After all, how would you eat an elephant? In small pieces! And a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step - - -

Let us know - Mike.

[markus]

Hubby decided to tell me that he is perfectly happy with the way things are. He wants me to keep taking care of him, doing special things for him, and doing all the house work while I work full time and also raise our two sons. While his only requirement is to mow the lawn for me.

He said, "If you don't like the arrangement, you know where the door is."

I like his style

[helenrw200]

Mike..........
Couldn't I just ring the bell ???


Helen

[Mike56]

Helen - you're naughty! And you know it.

[helenrw200]

Nah Mike..... just lazy LOL

[Bothered & Bewildered]

Mike
I love your GROW approach!! I live my life in general by very similar principles but it´s so cool that it has a name (and a cool name at that !! :cool: )

About Pavlov's Dogs, I have been using this technique for years, but either dogs are more receptive to it or I have had some challenging men in my life ! ;) LOL

Seriously, if you have read my posts, my marriage is less than perfect. I love my H more than life, but we have serious issues.

Sometimes, when I am so frustrated I could just throttle him, I get into what a call a "mischievous" mood.

In these occasions I plug my ipod to the speaker (anyone wanting to try this experiment can do it with a CD) and play my "mischief playlist" with songs like "I am Woman" by Helen Reddy, "RESPECT" by Aretha Franklin, Enough is Enough, Sisters are Doing it For Themselves, you get the idea, and then it moves into "Goodbye to You" by Michelle Branch " "I Quit" by Hepburn, and a few others, which are basically "I´ve had it up to here with your issues, mate" songs.

He seldom says anything, but it always, always, makes him squirm. For the next few days, he tends to be slightly more attentive than his usual self and he´ll even put his socks in the hamper without prompting!!

It never lasts for long and I don't do it very often, but I admit that watching him squirm, sometimes is to my sex life what a nicotine patch must be to someone giving up smoking (except maybe I'm not trying to give up sex!!)... Am I totally evil?? :o

Anyway, if any of you need help with the mischievous songs, I´ll be more than happy to help.

B&B

[Bothered & Bewildered]

If forgot to say that, when he´s being a sweetheart (it happens, once in a blue moon, granted, but it does happen) I play an abundance of songs such "Stand By Your Man", a lot of Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, etc...

Again, it never lasts long, but it's beautiful while it does. And those are the times that make a marriage worth putting up with.

HUGS :)

[helenrw200]

My favourite song ( or one of them ) when my partner is really peeing me off is Survivor by Destiny child he hates being reminded that I can be strong and will survive with or without him.

I also am fond of a bit of Marylin Manson ( yes I'm a bit of a rock chick ! ) or a good dose of Zeppelin or Ozzy Osbourne, something about really loud rock lifts my mood enormously, Numb by Linkin Park also gets the message across nicely, the words convey to him that basically I had enough being pushed around and am backing off. Funny how someone else's words can speak so much better at times than your own !

He isn't really into music or at least not any particular genre but with ex husband " our song ", or at least what he saw as our song was Please Dont Go, by KC and the Sunshine band , weird huh ?

Helen

[helenrw200]

Lyrics to numb ( in case you haven't a clue what I'm talking about !)

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless
Lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure
Of walking in your shoes
[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]

I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

Can't you see that your smothering me
Holding too tightly
Afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
[Caught in the undertow,just caught in the undertow]
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too

But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

[Bothered & Bewildered]

Helen

A girl after my own heart !! (The rock chick) Try, just when you are alone, when you think you might not be able to take another breath (yes we feel that way sometimes) "Try a Little Tenderness" by Otis Redding

It always makes me feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel (or something to that effect??)


I'm Spanish, I would appreciate the grammar corrections where needed ...

HUGS :)

[helenrw200]

Hi B&B

yep, music helps me get a lot of emotions out I must admit, I have songs when I fancy a good old weep, songs that lift my heart, songs when I want to wallow in nostalgia, pretty much a song for every mood !I listen to pretty much anything ( get some stick of my kids for liking some of the Goth stuff they listen to ! ) but I also love some classical and Moonlight Sonata can always bring a tear to my eye ( well I'm from Coventry and it is played to remember the Coventry blitz of WW11 ), most people think I'm a bit strange as I can be humming anything from Swan Lake to Evanescence !

I'm the same with scent, scent always brings back memories and a whiff of something can transport me back to another time, another place lol.


Hmmmm I think I should discuss this with my psychotherapist !

Helen

P.S Nothing wrong with your Grammar, and your English far outdoes my Spanish !

[Bothered & Bewildered]

Oh my God!! That's so freaky ... there are 3 things I collect:

Music: My life (someone said it better for every single feeling. so I jump on their wagon, and I make it my own ...) As you say from classical to goth , going through rock and R&B ...

Perfumes: Scents have the power to take me anywhere in my life (something like Beam Me Up Scotty, but completely different)

Jewels: No real reason. I just think they're pretty ...

Favourite scent: Magie Noire by Lancome, I remember being cuddled by my sister L while she was wearing this perfume and feeling so safe ... must have been 1978, I was 6 years old, so safe ...

[helenrw200]

It's good though isn't it ? I think people like us are more in touch with their emotions as scent and music are very emotive things.

The scent of Aramis cologne always reminds me of someone I loved very much who is no longer with us, if someone is wearing it though, it doesn't make me sad it just makes me remember how lucky I was to have known him. It isn't just perfumes though, the smell of an autumn day, all smoky and leafy reminds me of going to school when I was very little, kicking at the fallen leaves and wearing red wellington boots ! I must have been around 4 at the time and it was a time before all the abuse when I too felt safe so it's a smell I associate with being happy and innocent.

I have a fascination for jewellery and I love to own it and yet rarely wear any, I think I just like knowing it's there, I especially like white gold as opposed to yellow gold, not sure why it just attracts me !

My favourite perfume is Opium I only ever wear a little as it's strong, but I love the musky after- scent it gives.

Ohhhh there are hundreds of different scents that remind me of things, but one thing I can't stand is the smell of Lux soap, I used it when I was pregnant with my first child and had such severe morning sickness that even now the smell of it makes me feel slightly sick !

What a lovely memory for you to have though , it's so nice when a scent can make you feel safe and happy.....

Helen

[Bothered & Bewildered]

Helen, you might not believe this ... despite the hundreds of perfumes in my collection ... Opium is MY perfume. I own a Secret de parfum 100 ml, a Parfum 30 ml and a travel one 7,5 ml ... It has been my perfume since I was 17, almost 18 years ago. When I decided I may have been an abused child, but I refused to be a victim ... Magie Noire is the scent I instinctively look for when I want to feel safe, but Opium is the one I always turn to when I need to be strong. Does that make any sense??

I also have associations with other scents; I was born and raised by the Mediterranean, so the salty, tangy smell of a summer's day at the beach brings a bunch of happy memories. The smell of after sun (the classic 1970's one, which BTW is the only one I buy) still makes me feel like cuddling up to my Mum and sucking my thumb while she sings to me after a day at the beach. And nothing lifts my spirits up like the smell of home made fries (in olive oil) ... Mum's smell, the best smell in the world.

Jewellery is like sunshine is a box. When the skies are grey (whether figuratively or actually grey) I know I can pick up something shiny from my box and I'm happy. My H always says I'm the prettiest Magpie he's ever met !!

My best friend passed away a few years ago. Sometimes, when I really miss him and I talk to him (I'm not crazy, but I still talk to him) I can smell his aftershave. Happy memories.

I love scents, I love music, I love jewellery, I love people, I love my husband; not always in that order, but I love to love ...

B&B

[jools]

Snap! Opium's the only perfume I ever wear too!
Jools. X
________
Lovely Wendie99 (http://www.lovelywendie99.com/)