Cheated of intimacy and womanhood replaced by the internet

[RayeRaven]

it hard for me to say this... but i am soo tired of it. i have spent years trying to understand and come to terms with it. and many hours crying in private and feeling as though it was me. my butt is too big, my boobs are not big enough, my sexuality turned him off, or there wasn't more of me.. all in all, today i feel like i was a tool for him. my feelings didn't matter, and it was all about him. i wanted to be numb. and i wanted to cry. i've tried to get over it...but when i see all the files and know that i have been replaced by something that isn't even warm. or real. i haev even tried to join him and act out to spice it up.. at least i thought. Either way, deep down i feel like i have lost my womanhood and my joy to be intimate without feeling betrayed by the knowing that maybe he is having sex with me out of pity, or thinking of all them, or that maybe i am fooling myself thinking he really wants to be with me. either way he always rolls over after he's done... i just wanted to tell someone how much it hurts. I am not able to keep letting it go. and he doesn't even know how regected, worthless, less than, ugly, and totally alone and unsexual i feel as a result. i will admit i put up a fight for years... but he kept saying he had his needs, and for me to accept him or even blow him while he did it. talk about feeling used!! i just want to share... he thinks it's okay, i just feel a loss. he thought in the beginning that we we're adventurous and open.. and we were.. i did enjoy shareing myself with him and how wonderful it felt not to be afraid to watch these pornos in front of a man.. and appreciate each other as well. but then i caught him watching a porno while he was with me... pretending. it wasn't fun.. and he was angry that i didn't go along with it. now, here i am, twice shy, and feeling left out of us. and yes, angry, that it's all about him. and how great he feels.
well, there it is. Being inadequate after all this i have gone through, makes me want to withdraw and leave him to his sweet horney babes of the internet. I have stopped trying to expect him to understand or to try to please me. the internet porn has cheated me of desire and pleasure and of my self -esteem.his addiction is very selfish and one-sided. I'm just tired of crying alone and feeling confused and screwed over this. thank you for letting me say it "out loud". I don't think it's right or fair and i'm sick of the I'm sorries and of stuffing the hurt so he won't feel threatened because it was important that he "get off". That's how i feel.


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RayeRaven

[Kate]

Dear RayeRaven,

Please read my posting elsewhere (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/ubb/Forum6/HTML/000062.html).

[Unregistered]

I understand how you feel. I have had the same experience with my husband. Perhaps some men only see it as pictures. And perhaps some women see the same. At first, thats all i saw it as. But it becomes so much more than looking at pictures when those pictures replace you and their need for you. When those pictures are what they are with at night, and the first thing they think of in the morning. At one time, my husband wanted me, desired me. I know that we sometimes had trouble, but never nothing very serious. I know that he liked to look at women, but assumed that was natural too. But, then it became magazines. That was ok, if he hadnt hidden them, or bought the ones full of young girls. Eventually, came the internet. He has found "porn heaven" on here. He works away from home during the week, comes home on the weekend, and goes straight to the computer. He isnt interested in sleeping with me, never goes to bed with me, doesnt look at me. Its like im not even there. Ive begged, cried, fought and screamed. But nothing worked. Ive eventually moved past the pain, to a state of non-emotion. I dont really care most of the time. I guess I'm pulling myself away from him. Im tired of hurting. I'm tired of being ignored. I'm tired of feeling used.
Anyway, I wish I had some advise for you. I suppose that you could find help, fix it. Or you can do as I am, and prepare to move on. I hope someone on here can help you. I only wanted to share with you, let you know that youre not alone.
Good luck, dear