dealing with internet porn

[unsure]

Need some advise please. I just discovered my husband of 20 years has been in and out of internet porn sites for the last 6-7 months. It's pretty sporadic... once every other month, although Feb. has been 3-4 times. When I went to view these sites, I was outraged at what's out there. I confronted him on it and he said that he was real sorry it hurt my feelings, it doesn't have anything to do with our sexual relationship... he basically said it's something that he was curious about and if I didn't want him to do it he would discontinue. I asked him if he thought he had an addiction problem with it and I believe him when he said he doesn't. I questioned him on some of the disgusting sights that he'd been looking at (involving teens) and he explained that once you pull up one sight, they all start popping up when you exit out. I can't seem to get the pictures out of my head and I don't know if I will be able to trust that he's not going to continue to do it although he's never given me any indication in our 20 years together that I can't trust him. He's never been one to order playboy, etc. Is this simply a "man" thing that really doesn't reflect on either myself or our marriage as he says? Although he's very sorry about what he's done, I get the impression that he thinks it's not a bad thing. Any thoughts you can give would be appreciated.

[Kate]

It is difficult to know how to respond when you find your husband has been looking on these sites, but it does appear that people get sucked in. They look at one site and then think they'll just look a little further and a fascination develops. Most of the sites are quite cleverly designed to draw you deeper. Hopefully your husband hasn't got too hooked on it.

I certainly think men tend to view this sort of thing differently from women. Visual stimulation is more of a draw in general for men. It doesn't necessarily mean there was something wrong between you which led to it. It's easy to be tempted to have a look and then get drawn in. It is pretty horrible stuff that most people try to avoid and I hope you can find some way of putting the images behind you.

There are some articles on the site about the problem of internet addictions (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/). Why not have a browse through. There are ways to block your computer from such sites.

Make sure that the situation isn't allowed to fester between you. If you think it would help you could try telling your husband how you feel about what you saw. Tell him if it continues to distress you or if you need reassurance of his love, but try and balance this with trust and reassurance to him that you love him and have forgiven him.

[This message has been edited by Kate (edited 02 March 2001).]

[unsure]

Kate - I really appreciate your insight. We had a great talk over the weekend and although I wish this had never happened... I feel that expressing our feelings about this situation between the two of us appears to be making our relationship even that much stronger. Our sex life seems to have taken on a whole new spice as well...

I'm hoping that I can keep the trust although I would imagine that I will still check from time to time to see if these sites are being accessed in the future. I hope that's not a bad thing... his previous actions have taken a little bit of that trust away and I'll need some reassurance in getting it back.

Thanks again for your advice. http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/ubb/smile.gif

[jane]

I discovered the same as you,same circumstances. It has ruined our sex lives. I feel I cannot compete whatever kind reassuring words my husband gives me. I used to like feeling sexy but not now. I also felt disturbed by some of the images. I wonder if this is a problem for many many women now men have such easy access to porn?

[unsure]

Jane -

I'm not sure. I do believe my husband when he says that once you get into one of those sites.. it takes you through at least a half dozen more before you can get out. Believe me... I tried it to see what he was looking at. I'm hoping that's when most of the disgusting sites are popping up and not exactly what they are searching for when they are looking for "sex" or "nudity" on the web. My husband and I did talk through it although I know he still thinks "it's not a big deal" even though he says he will not do it anymore now that he knows how much he hurt me. Our sex life is actually better.. not sure why.. maybe subconsiously I'm trying to make our sex life more creative thinking he won't have the desire again to go out there anymore to look. I'm sure it's wishful thinking on my part. I hope you can get through this by talking with your husband although if he's like mine... he can't even explain why he does it or what he's feeling when he does it. I just get "it's just a guy thing that I will never understand". Hope this helps.

[CarolynD]

I was coming here to ask about this very same problem. I'm 22, married 9 months, and this just happened yesterday. Caught him viewing some teen porn site when I came home. I was devistated, hurt, and a little weirded out by the content. He says it's just a site he used to frequent (as in when he was a teen, so then it's ok ???). I'm huge pregnant now, about to deliver any minute, so my self-esteem and confidence are basically at an all-time low. This doesn't help. I can tell he really hated himself for what he'd done (hurting me that way, etc.) I'd asked him if that's what he enjoys looking at (porn), could he find a way to incorporate me (sort of a 'marital aide') because there's some porn I enjoy as well. He assures me over and over that it has absolutely nothing at all to do with me, or with us. He just felt like masturbating, and that was his aide. He has nearly nude pics of me (back when I wasn't pregnant and had a great body http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/ubb/smile.gif But he chose to look at some little girl. This is what's most disturbing to me. This only just happened, I'm still upset, still angry, confused, sort of numb really. I don't want this to be an issue. I feel jealous, one thing I hate to feel more than anything. I also can't believe he gets on this computer, that we share, to do it. Like I couldn't see that he'd been to these places, that I couldn't tell he'd cleared the cache (and why else would he do that???).
Trying to vent, we'll see how this works. I don't have any friends here, just family... don't really want to discuss this with them... hoping this will help.
Carolyn

[unsure]

Carolyn -

I know how you feel. It's getting a little better for me (I discovered this about a month ago), however, I still wonder everytime he's at the computer or when I leave for a period of time. I'm hoping over time I will quit feeling like I need to check the "temp internet files" to see what he's been looking at, but like you said it's real easy to delete those files so that we wouldn't ever know. It's real hard to get the trust back... I guess I feel that if the desire to do it was once there, what stops it from coming back once things get "back to normal". Getting ready to have a baby.. you definitely need to be concentrating on your baby right now so I hope your husband can give you the encouragement and attention that you need to get through this. I've never understood guys' facination with porn.. not sure that I ever will so it's hard to give any advice on it other than to just talk about it. All I hear time and time again from my husband and also from my male friends... is that it hasn't nothing to do with the woman in their life or their relationship with that woman. Hope that helps.

[CarolynD]

Well... we had a long talk last night. A very good one, that I think had a good effect. If this is something you all could participate in... maybe you could try the same with your SOs. I've found out (took some pulling and dragging, mind you) that he likes the 'object' in it. The non-personal, don't have to be 'friendly', etc. with this woman, just f***ing sort of thing. I told him that I want to be able to fulfill his every need... and if he has to go elsewhere for such a thing, I'm not accomplishing this. So, I asked him to try that with me instead. Sort of a role-playing thing, I suppose... though I've never tried such a thing. He said he had a hard time with that because he has much love and respect for me, and that will always be there in his mind, which doesn't make the scenario he's after work. (*Thank goodness he just went after a picture to satisfy this need rather than actually after an unknown girl! There's the silver lining!) Anyway... that hurt a bit, but I asked him to try at least. He was devastated at how much this has hurt me, and vowed to try to do this for us. Without warning, he began http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/ubb/smile.gif It was actually kinda nice, I liked it. It was very arousing, and new and different. And it makes me feel good that I can satisfy this need for him, as well as it making me confident in the fact that he doesn't have to go 'elsewhere' to have needs met. Now, if I were to catch him doing such things (which, deep down, I find nearly impossible really) again, there'd be absolutely no reason, other than he wanted that darned picture. And if it really doesn't have to do with me, that will not happen.
Hope you all understood what I meant here, hard to 'keep it clean' when talking about such subjets while communicating clearly. http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/ubb/smile.gif If this is something you think you could do... if you don't feel degraded by it, or if you don't feel it's disrespectful (keep in mind, it's only a 'game')... ask your SOs if this is something they'd be interested in. I really think I've found the solution in this, and I'd like to think it could be a solution for everyone.
Carolyn

[George]

Carolyn, Unsure,

Difficult to step into this arena as a man, but I wanted to try to share a few thoughts.

I really do believe that we men perceive sex, and all that it stands for very differently. For a man I think sex is something outside him - its about power, and of course satisfaction. With our partner, whilst we want to give pleasure, often this is firstly because it boosts our ego to have done so (I prove to myself that I am a great lover, therefore I must be worth something) and because it simply makes the sexual act more fun. It takes an emotional commitment to love this way, and sometimes we guys just want the raw physical sensations - that's why guys fantasize and masturbate - because it has the physical pleasure without the emotional cost. Yes we like the visual stimulation, but we don't want to be reminded of our relationship - that reminds us of the emotional cost, and that we are cheating on our loved one. Can you follow this?

I'm no expert on a woman's view of life, but I believe you see the sexual act as a much more internal thing (if for no other reason than the physical ones). The act of love is essentially one of surrender, not of power. For that reason it needs to be tied in with trust, and with emotional commitment.

Understanding that your man sees his sexuality very differently to you probably does nothing to take away the feelings of betrayal and the breakdown of trust, but it just might provide a way to talk about the issues together.

George

[Dave]

There's a really good site with a lot of info to help both the guys and the girls caught up in the web of pornography called pureintimacy.org (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/php-bin/jump.php?linkid=69)

Hope this helps

Dave

[This message has been edited by Dave (edited 25 March 2001).]

[LisaD]

I always thought making love was about giving pleasure not about living out your personal fantasies or fulfilling your own desires and lusts. To me it would be demeaning and degrading for the act of love to be disconnected from emotions and giving of oneself. I know men are different, but that doesn't mean we should encourage them to treat women like sex objects! Just cos your man has an urge, doesn't mean you have to indulge it.

[Char]

I went through a similar situation with my husband and the 'net porn. He has promised as well never to do it again. That was 18 months ago and he hasn't done it yet. My computer has a GoBack feature that allows me to go "back in time". If any internet files are deleted, I can retrieve them by going back. I haven't had to use it yet! But, I must say, I lost my trust in him and have yet to regain it. It isn't as bad as it was, though. My self esteem still suffers, which has affected my profession in several ways. (I work as a model.) I still, to this day, feel that I can't leave him home alone, ever. I always think he is going to masturbate. That includes any time he is even going to the bathroom, taking a shower, etc...Drives me mad!! I am not the same person I used to be and I can't stand to feel the paranoia that I feel. But, like I said, it isn't NOTHING like it was!

[hurt]

Char -

I've been through a similar situation and I'm having a hard time getting the trust back as well. I have checked periodically through the temporary internet files although I know they can be deleted so I'm just going off of what I feel to hope that he's still not searching for these sites. What type of "go back" feature are you referring to? I thought once it had been removed from the history list and temporary internet file directory that it was permanently removed.

[Kate]

If you are computer literate enough you can cover your tracks completely. This has its advantages as well as its disadvantages, because it means that Women at Risk can visit support sites on the net and leave no trace.

There are various programs and services which can screen your computer or block out the worst sites. These are good to protect children, but they are like sticking plaster for a marriage, because they don't get down to the root causes and address the issues within a relationship.

There are some useful sources of information for this problem at the Cybersex and Internet Addiction (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/) topic area of this site. In particular the Pure Intimacy site mentioned in Dave's posting above has advice to give.

[peggy]

To all the women who have got husbands who cheat on the internet. I have been married for 4 yrs and duing that time we have only made love around 4 times but in November he was on the Internet looking at porn while I was at work. When confronted he told me that he came across it by accident, then it became curiousity, then interesting. In fact my husband has had more sex with the Internet in the last 6 months then he has with me in the 4 yrs we have been married.

[devastated]

Hello, Everyone.

This is not much of a "reply," but my experience may serve as food for thought. I have been married for 13 months. The first time I caught my husband was two weeks after our honeymoon. I found two videos featuring Asian women, confronted him about it. He was sooooo sorry and so afraid that I would walk out on him, but he talked me into seeing a marriage counselor about it. After a round of sessions, I decided to give him another chance. Now, just two nights ago I found out that he had gone right back to looking at these sites through a secret hotmail account. What hurts most is that my husband, who has the most innocent face and one who I thought was the least talented in lying, has been lying to me. I had frequently asked him (in jest) since the therapy whether he ever went back, and he swore "to God" that he never did. I REALLY honest thought that my husband was a God fearing man (he's Jewish, not that that makes a difference here), and would not dare use God's name in vain. I am thinking of moving out. Any reason why I shouldn't? I have lost all the trust I have in him, and I don't want to be bawling like this with kids to worry about.

[devastated]

I just wanted to add one more thing, and I hope to hear from some of you who are more experienced in life. The most devastating part of my discovery was a few e-mails my husband had sent out to the women on the sites. On some he asked about their bra size and all, but on others he was such a nice, kind fan, encouraging her to pursue her acting career. He said that he had received one response. In fact, he was checking for her response when I caught him. Apparently, he had been checking for her to e-mail him back rather compulsively. To me this is clear indication that this is a kind of guy who will jump to have an affair if a woman came along to tempt him. His father used to subscribe to Playboy magazine to have it lying around. He eventually married his young secretary. Gosh... Listen to me. And all along I thought I was a very secure person... Help.

[Kate]

You can't really trust someone when you know they have lied. Have you tried to talk to him about it?

He seems to be very deeply caught up in what he is doing, even addicted to it. Addiction (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/) is very difficult to break away from. If he genuinely wants to stop, then go ahead and give him all the support you can. But since he doesn't seem to see it as wrong, you will probably have to challenge him to make any progress. He obviously can't or won't stop visiting these sites. Perhaps the time has come to lay it on the line, that either he cares enough about you to go and get help to do something about his appetite for pornography or you will have to leave.

Marriage is meant to be an exclusive relationship, a commitment that's focussed on the other's wellbeing and built on openness and trust. It takes two to build a marriage, and he doesn't seem to be pulling his weight right now.

[devastated]

Hello, Kate. Thank you so much for your kind advice. It means a lot to me. He is actually very repentant. He couldn't be more sorry, and he has started seeing a therapist. The problem is, however, that I don't believe therapy will do much good. More precisely, I FEAR that it will result in behavioral modification for some time (just as last time) but the desire will still be there. He is trying his best right now to put the pieces back together. But I don't want to consent to seeing the therapist together only to be fooled again. My anger is beyond control right now. I keep thinking of the sweet e-mail he had sent to the internet whore (excuse me), and his lying face. I just don't think that I can ever erase the experience of the last few days out of my memory. Right now I fear getting soft on him. If he desecrated our marriage over a span of over a year, why should I try to keep it intact? I think men are too used to have the cake and eat it, too. I don't thik I'll give him the pleasure. I hate that I am wasting my time bawling every minute of my day, when my final papers are all due in the next week and a half. I have never hated someone this much before. He has killed everything beautiful in me...

[Kate]

Your anger is quite understandable, but don't rush to give up on your marriage, since he seems to be trying to put things right. If you've got exams coming up then perhaps you do need some space to concentrate on those - they are important. If you are shouting a lot at him, stop shouting, park the conflict, accept things are not good at the moment and concentrate on your work and getting good marks.

It is important for you to forgive (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/forgive/) him, even if he doesn't change, because unforgiveness damages you as much as him.Anger (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/anger/) and other feelings (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/feelings/) are not good guides for making decisions about both your futures. It's hard for anyone to tell you to give him another chance. Each person has to make that decision for themselves, but it is very easy to make choices when we are hurt and angry that we later regret. You once saw something special with your husband, you had high hopes and expectations for your marriage. You made vows on your wedding day and right now they're proving hard to stick to.

You talk of fear. WHave you thought through what is it you'er afraid of? being let down again, being made a fool of? If your husband is going to throw off his addiction, he will need someone to believe in him. It's not weak or naive to give him another chance. At least he is making some effort to put things right - this time he might manage it. Remember it isn't easy to change or throw off an addictive behaviour or unhelpful attitudes but it can be done. Don't give up hope.

[This message has been edited by Kate (edited 16 May 2001).]

[devastated]

Dear Kate,

Thank you. That is exactly what I'll do; postpone making irreversible decisions for later. I have decided to spend a month or so babysitting my bestfriend's four year old son across the country. I do believe that if I stay around I will end up saying too many things I might regret. As you can imagine, I am not a nice person right now, and I hate myself like this. I just cannot bring myself to consent to another round of therapy. Not just yet. I do want to escape for a while, until I can think objectively. Your advice has been very kind and sound. Much appreciated. I will now focus on my work.

[tickedoff]

I found out what you all did. We have been married 3 yrs. A son that is 1 1/2. I work 8-5 and school 2 nights a week. I am 25-he is 26 so it is not just new marriages, young men, it happens all the time it seems from all these postings. WHY? I got home from school a few times and noticed him on the comp. He was shutting down every time. So I did not pull n the garage one night and just walked n. He quickly got out of what he was on. Problem was he was n instant messanger. When she replied it popped up anyways. He met some @#*%! on here and they shared emails, set up on messanger, shared life details, nude pictures etc...... He claimed he had no clue on how she got there, but they just started talking. I went 2 temp int files and searched. I then found in the TRASH the emails they had shared. He called her DARLING which he calls me, and told her he would be looking and waiting for her later. I then responded 2 her message and talked as if I was him and found out just what all they knew about each other and what they had discussed. I then sent her an attachement of ALL of us - she flipped and wanted to know who that woman was. She knew about our son, but somehow I was forgotten. I talked with her 4 a few days and then told her it was actually me after she started referring to me as the jealous B@T%H and wondered when I would be home. She called ME a wh@re. I lost it. He apologized to me. Now he deletes his emails. He has no time to take me to lunch or get up in the morning to help with his son, yet as son as I leave he is on the comp and at lunch. He has no clue about the temp files and does not know I can see hwat times he gets on etc...... I ask and he says he has not. I am hurt, mad, not trusting. I wonder at work if he is at home and who he is talking to. He stays up until 2 n the morning on here. He trys 2 blame me 4 lack of sex. I have always been that way. I work, school, tend 2 my son. I then have no reason 2 have sex b/c I feel I have not been shown any love. Sex to me is about more than meeting under the covers. I want to feel loved also rather than just being a SEX PARTNER and that is it. I want a card, an I love you, a hug, something. Instead if there is a hug it is so he can reach my butt to grab, remarks are I have something for you and points to IT, or nothing at all and expectations that when we get in bed there will b sex. If there is not then we can not even hold each other or touch or talk b/c we didn't have sex...... HELP...... I keep rambling b/c I am so mad and hurt.....SOMEONE HELP!!!!!!!!

[tickedoff]

I FEEL 4 U. MEN! WHAT R THEY THINKING. IF WE WERE 2 DO THIS 2 THEM OH MAN WE WOULD NEVER LIVE IT DOWN. WHAT THEY DO IS OK THOUGH. I COULD JUST BEAT SOME SENSE N 2 MY HUSBANDBUT THAT IS NOT ME SO I SIT HERE AND CRY. DA@N IT!!!! I AM SO FRUSTRATED. DO YOU GET SOME PRETTY GOOD ADVICE ON HERE????

[numb in tx]

hi, me and my husband seperated as i have wrote in a posting earlier, 4 months the end of this month. to make a long long story not so long i got a gut feeling from a phone number i got off his cell phone ,which i called and a guy answered and said he didn't know any of us but after my husband denied knowing the number even though it was programmed into his phone. well things got worse and he left and i called this number again and just asked for him and this guy hung up on me then i found out he moved in with this guy he told his best friend was his cousin and said to me it wasn't. meantime i had found you wouldn't believe how many gay sites on our computer and where he was a member(free ones) and they sent him newsletters ect..... of course he denied this...said he hadn't been on any.. i came home and found him trying to hurry and get off the computer from a im to or from a gay guy on the romance gay chat room.. i have put all that behind me and i am trying to work on our marriage but i don't know what will happen.. you guys talk about fantasizing in your sexual encounters. well i am here to tell you i did all of that talked dirty had the movies and everything and look where i am at.. one time he said he would like to swing etc.... we talked about it i thought it was just talk then he said he would be with a man if i was with a women you know do something to a women and he would go down on a man.. i feel that all the dirty talk i did to make it erotic and added spice totally ruined my marriage. i am very opened minded on these things but i don't know if he is bi or gay.. or i am getting this all wrong. he is a truck driver and he has every opportunity to do it all and i just want some answers... they say this will make sense of the way he was acting towards me and treating me, that he really does love me to death and he can't make his mind up on what he wants.. it must be hard and i really want to help but i don't know how to approach him on this cause we are getting along so good and i pray we can put the pieces back together. people call me crazy but its my life and i am going to be happy no one else can do it for me.. please anyone been here or close to it... what do i do!!!!!!! going crazy here.....my love has doubled for him since this seperation, is that crazy or what????

[cw1]

Hello. My significant other enjoys looking at the naked women of the internet and I have to admit it makes me a little jealous. There are a few different reasons.
He masturbates while looking at porn to "relieve stress"...I understand that masturbation is a wonderful way to do just that...so what is my problem? My problem is that I wind up fighting with feelings of inadequacy while he's having a dandy old time goggling at Cindy Lou of the Chest Club. I also fear being compared to these busty, beautiful women. Another problem that I have is this...I wouldn't mind looking at naked men. The thing is, I don't know whether my desire to do this stems from trying to get back at him or an actual desire to see naked men. This shoots bullets in my "I must be inadequate" theory because he is far from. I just feel that by looking at these sites I would be cheating on him mentally and in a way emotionally. He has admitted that the idea of me looking at Frankie Hangin would upset him so why the double standard? This is what I think I have decided.

I will leave him to his internet babes as long as it does not effect our bedtime or such.
I will deal with my sore ego quietly and believe him when he tells me that I'm beautiful.
I will be glad that he does not expect me to get huge and bulbous breast implants in order to stimulate his ahem.
I will try not to shudder when I picture him staring at the women on the screen.

I will try not to be so concerned.
I don't think that there are any right or wrong answers when it comes to pornography (as long as it does not include certain things), a resolution must come between the two people that are in the situation. Some people (men and women) will stop veiwing such material if they realize that it hurts someone that they're close to. Others will keep it to themselves (as did my boyfriend when I stupidly made him feel guilty and told him that if he continued then I didn't want to know about it...this will be rectified soon as I don't want him to be ashamed of anything). If it effects your relationship so badly that you want out, then it's time to call in the professionals but I am beginning to think that if kept to a minimum it does not cause too much harm. I'm trying to be open-minded about this and it is difficult when I walk in and he's closing a screen to save me from seeing what he's up to but it's me that he goes to bed with and it's me that he respects. Of course I may be way off base.
I wish porn did not exist and I wish that people were not so eager to shed their clothing for a few (thousand) extra bucks but since that's not how it is I think that I can find a way to deal with it. The human body unclothed is a beautiful thing to look at and I hate to see what some men and women do to show it off, but what are you going to do? It's here and it's not giong away. There has always been and will always be a market for sex.

[This message has been edited by Dave (edited 22 June 2001).]

[Alix]

I have a different problem. My man has been accused of looking at porn at work. I know for a fact that he did not do it, his boss has admitted to a 3rd party that it is all a wind up to get him out of the company. They produced printouts showing internet usage and it showed his id logging on at early hours of the morning when he was at home with me. It also showed an anonymous user looking up the same sites after he was suspended from his work.

He appealed against the decision and was reinstated, but now they have sacked him again as they say they have recovered deleted files from his machine. The fact that his password was his first name of course does not enter in to the company's head.

We are both so hurt and angry. He is not and never has been interested in porn, in fact he is to the point that even "soft" porn on tv disgusts him and he will turn it off.

We may end up having to fight this at industrial tribunal, but we can't afford to have him branded a pervert and unable to get another job due to someone's hurtful actions.

help

[Kate]

Alix,

It's a pretty foul world where people would stoop so low. You would do well to keep detailed records of the accusations and the alibi's. The more documentation you have, the better. I assume you have taken legal advice if you're considering taking the case to tribunal. This also shows how important it is to keep your password difficult to guess and to keep changing it.

I hope things work out for your man and that this draws the two of you closer as you stand together to fight it.

[Kate]

Hi cw1,

I'm sorry, I can't agree with you that porn doesn't matter. To me, looking at it would be a sort of unfaithfulness, especially in a marriage relationship.

Many people would say it degrades sex to something that just involves personal satisfaction, instead of a beautiful act expressing deep love and commitment. A lot of people find that pornography has a detrimental effect on a relationship because, it actually dulls people's responsiveness. They get so used to being stimulated by the awful things they look at, that normal expressions of sexuality between a couple aren't enough any more.

The other really serious problem is that looking at pornography is addictive. It is psychologically addictive, but also most of the sites on the web are designed to pull you deeper and deeper in. Some sites are also difficult to switch off, when you try to leave they keep popping up fresh pictures.

I guess what most people want out of a relationship is to know they are accepted and valued and respected. It means a lot to think someone thinks you're special and wants what is best for you.

Is that really what is happenning in your relationship? If you have to convince yourself it doesn't matter and tell yourself, "I will...", is that really what's best for you and the future of your relationship.

Why not have a look at our cybersex and internet addiction area (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/) and see what advice there is there.

[cw1]

Kate
I know this reply is quite delayed but thank you for your comments. You brought up a lot of things that I did not even consider. You're right...I shouldn't have to convince myself that this is normal and that everything is fine. I think that my "ignore the problem and maybe it will go away" approach was my easy out. The fact is, it hurts me when he looks up porn even to the point that I feel physically repulsed by him when I know he's been surfing these sights. I think I was afraid of pressing the matter with him because I feared not getting the reaction or the promise that I was hoping for...that promise of course being that he would discontinue this behaviour. I was also afraid that if he did make this promise and then continued with this on the sly that it would hurt our relationship even more than the porn itself.
We have talked about pornography since I last wrote and that seemed to help. I also did a mean thing... I looked up nude males on the internet to give him a taste of his own medicine. It was a horrible thing to do and I can see how addictive this stuff can be. While my actions were very low and manipulative, I do think that he can see how this is hurtful and how it can really lower someones self-esteem. He was exposed to both sides of the coin so to speak and while this could have backfired horribly I think that he is intelligent enough to realize my motives. I don't see many positive aspects where pornography is concerned but I just can't seem to bring myself to force the issue. I don't want to give him an ultimatum or illicit meaningless promises from him. I just try to let him know how much it bothers, hurts, and repulses me. I think about this situation daily and am tired of it. I think that my concerns have gotten through to him and I think that he has halted this behaviour on his own. If he hasn't then he sure does hide it well! I beleive he's one of the good ones.
There is something else that I have realized and it has worried me. I have noted that since this issue began, there has been a complete drop in my self-esteem and self confidence. Is this normal? I am to the point of seeking counseling. I constantly need reassurance of love and devotion from my partner and that is not how a relationship should be...neither is it how our relationship was before porn seeped into it. I have always been very confident in myself but regaining confidence in my physical being is difficult. I took it as a personal affront to me when he looked at these sights. It was his way of telling me he would rather look at other women than be forced to deal with me. Logically, I know that this is incorrect but we don't always deal in logic. It makes you wonder-why was he looking at it? I know that some pro porn arguments include men wanting and needing variety and males having a need to fulfill carnal pleasures and other bullsht but do people really understand how much this material and this behaviour can tear another person down?


Originally posted by Kate:
Hi cw1,

I'm sorry, I can't agree with you that porn doesn't matter. To me, looking at it would be a sort of unfaithfulness, especially in a marriage relationship.

Many people would say it degrades sex to something that just involves personal satisfaction, instead of a beautiful act expressing deep love and commitment. A lot of people find that pornography has a detrimental effect on a relationship because, it actually dulls people's responsiveness. They get so used to being stimulated by the awful things they look at, that normal expressions of sexuality between a couple aren't enough any more.

The other really serious problem is that looking at pornography is addictive. It is psychologically addictive, but also most of the sites on the web are designed to pull you deeper and deeper in. Some sites are also difficult to switch off, when you try to leave they keep popping up fresh pictures.

I guess what most people want out of a relationship is to know they are accepted and valued and respected. It means a lot to think someone thinks you're special and wants what is best for you.

Is that really what is happenning in your relationship? If you have to convince yourself it doesn't matter and tell yourself, "I will...", is that really what's best for you and the future of your relationship.

Why not have a look at our cybersex and internet addiction area (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/) and see what advice there is there.

[Kate]

It isn't surprising your self esteem is low and that you question why he should want to look at other girls and need to. It is an addiction and his problem not yours! You do need to work on fighting against that low self esteem. Your value and attractiveness are not based on how he behaves; your value is intrinsic - you were made special and beautiful.

Some men are tempted by pornography. Men are wired up differently, but a happy marriage can be enough for them. It's a lie to say they have to have more.

Hang on in there and believe in yourself and that there is a way forward.

Kate

[Christina]

I've had a similar experience with my EX boyfriend. My boyfriend acted like I was the greatest thing on earth and he wanted to marry me. One day I was using his computer when I found out he was on Russian mail order brides websites hitting on them. He blew off how I felt saying he was flattered that they wrote and what did it matter anyhow since they lived in another country. I was totally devastated. I couldn't believe someone who claimed to love me so much was hitting on people. He blew off my feelings and got mad at me for what he calls "spying" on him. After weeks of fighting over it, and a lot of debating on whether to stay with him, we got back together. Naturally after all that, I was curious to check out his computer to find out if he was doing that stuff. Then I found personal ads, and women's pics saved and we went at it again. He promised he wouldn't go to those sites again but all the damage was done. I don't believe if you truly love someone and only want to be with them, a person would do this. I felt so hurt and my self esteem suffered. He told me I was blowing everything out of portion and it was my own problems that were making me upset over things he was doing. After this I stayed with him but it was eating at me. Before all this happened, I never got jealous or wanted to track what he was doing. I even worried about if I left the house he would be online hitting on women or looking at porn. It's a terrible way to live. Once someone betrays you, even if it's just online, it poisons the relationship. About 2 months ago, I found he was writing someone I didn't know on the internet and I just blew up and left him. He claimed it was just an old online friend but I couldn't take being hurt again. It's been a hard decision leaving him but I can't live my life always wondering what he's doing behind my back and feeling like I have to be around all the time to watch over him.
It would have been different if he understood how much he was hurting me, stopped what he was doing, and was open with me about who talking to instead of blowing me off. I think anyone who has gone through this situation needs to stop and think to themselves how much will they allow their self esteem and life suffer before they say enough is enough. Being alone is better than being in turmoil. If someone truly loves you, they wouldn't be hurting you so much.

Originally posted by Kate:
It isn't surprising your self esteem is low and that you question why he should want to look at other girls and need to. It is an addiction and his problem not yours! You do need to work on fighting against that low self esteem. Your value and attractiveness are not based on how he behaves; your value is intrinsic - you were made special and beautiful.

Some men are tempted by pornography. Men are wired up differently, but a happy marriage can be enough for them. It's a lie to say they have to have more.

Hang on in there and believe in yourself and that there is a way forward.

Kate

[Sad and hurt]

it hard for me to say this... but i am soo tired of it. i have spent years trying to understand and come to terms with it. and many hours crying in private and feeling as though it was me. my butt is too big, my boobs are not big enough, my sexuality turned him off, or there wasn't more of me.. all in all, today i feel like i was a tool for him. my feelings didn't matter, and it was all about him. i wanted to be numb. and i wanted to cry. i've tried to get over it...but when i see all the files and know that i have been replaced by something that isn't even warm. or real. i haev even tried to join him and act out to spice it up.. at least i thought. Either way, deep down i feel like i have lost my womanhood and my joy to be intimate without feeling betrayed by the knowing that maybe he is having sex with me out of pity, or thinking of all them, or that maybe i am fooling myself thinking he really wants to be with me. either way he always rolls over after he's done... i just wanted to tell someone how much it hurts. I am not able to keep letting it go. and he doesn't even know how regected, worthless, less than, ugly, and totally alone and unsexual i feel as a result. i will admit i put up a fight for years... but he kept saying he had his needs, and for me to accept him or even blow him while he did it. talk about feeling used!! i just want to share... he thinks it's okay, i just feel a loss. he thought in the beginning that we we're adventurous and open.. and we were.. i did enjoy shareing myself with him and how wonderful it felt not to be afraid to watch these pornos in front of a man.. and appreciate each other as well. but then i caught him watching a porno while he was with me... pretending. it wasn't fun.. and he was angry that i didn't go along with it. now, here i am, twice shy, and feeling left out of us. and yes, angry, that it's all about him. and how great he feels.
well, there it is. Being inadequate after all this i have gone through, makes me want to withdraw and leave him to his sweet horney babes of the internet. I have stopped trying to expect him to understand or to try to please me. the internet porn has cheated me of desire and pleasure and of my self -esteem.his addiction is very selfish and one-sided. I'm just tired of crying alone and feeling confused and screwed over this. thank you for letting me say it "out loud". I don't think it's right or fair and i'm sick of the I'm sorries and of stuffing the hurt so he won't feel threatened because it was important that he "get off". That's how i feel.

[Kate]

Thank you for your moving posting. What you have so courageously shared highlights the appalling consequences of pornography on relationships and on real flesh and blood people.

I know you simply wanted somewhere to speak out what was in your heart and I don't want to take advantage of that, but there are resources on the site here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/) that you may not have seen yet.

At some point you may want to think about the future, for the sake of your self respect and human dignity. Have you told your man how you are feeling? Now that you have had the courage to put into words what you have been experiencing and feeling, perhaps you can find the courage to share it with him. Write it down if necessary.

I felt deeply sad, with tears welling up inside, when I read your posting. It would be impossible not to be moved by what you have written. Remember, that each of us, yes - you, has a value and a beauty all our own, whatever our experience of life tells us.

[Jenna]

MY husband has the same problem only it is really bad. He doesn't make excuses , he just says "he NEEDS it, and can't live without it". So I ask myself does that mean he CAN live without me? My husband is not "just" addicted to web porn he is addicted to ALL porn. I had to except it just to keep him from lying to me by hiding it. The lies hurt so much more than him watching it or looking at it. THE ONLY time he is on the computer is when he is looking at porn, and in his car he has a huge pile of porn magazines that just keep building. I don't really understand why he needs this because we have a pretty good sex life. I am pretty open and he gets his needs fullfilled by me almost everyday. And it isn't as if we are newly weds we have been together for 7 years. It really hurts because it makes me think it is me. There must be something wrong with me if he needs porn that bad. I always thought porn was for people who were lonely sexually but I guess I was wrong. I don't have any explanation for his addiction which makes it really hard to understand. DOes anyone have any explanations or ideas? Has anyone here found a solution?

[Unregistered]

I have been reading the messages from several people in this forum and would like to share my experience. My husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years. When we dated we had a great relationship. The minute we married everything changed. We did not have sex. He said he wasn't interested, not because of me, but just had no interest in sex. We have been to counseling and he denied that we had a problem at first. Now the relationship is so bad that I have sought a divorce. It is difficult to carry the weight of the marriage when one of you acts as if nothing is wrong. So we were unable to resolve our problems. My husband is a very difficult man who has been in positions of power most of his career. Pornography is about control and domination. It is not about love or respect for women. I accidently found sites at both our homes and actually threw up at one of them. Come to find out my husband has been married three times and has not been able to make love to any of the wives. I found this out from wife#1. There are some serious problems here. Of course this is all my fault. I have been accused of unbelievable things. Total denial. I am getting out. This is disgusting and I would like to be proud of the person I am married to. It is also totally selfish. Finding the pornography has been closure for me. After all, who wants someone who can be had by anyone? Do yourself a favor and don't fall for the BS.

[Unregistered]

i have been dealing with the same circumstances. i foound out my husband was looking at porno on the internet about a year ago. at the time he was cold and distant from me. i just had our second child. he lied then admitted it. i told him our marriage was over because i asked him not to look at that stuff before he did it. so it was a slap in the face to me. he apologized to me and we sought counselling. the therapist told me to go in the other room when he was doing it. that gave him a license to do it. so we stopped going to therapy. he changed his attitude toward me and stopped the porno. but a month ago i found a magazine in his work truck. it was called "only 18" there were girls that looked like my daughter in it. i was sick over it. he told me that it wasnt his but was the guys that worked for him and it was bought as a joke for someone else. i dont know what to believe. i also found massage parlor phone numbers on his cell phone bill. he says he had to call someone who was there. help!

[Alizarin]

I have read your letters but have a slightly different but great problem. My husband is surfing gay porn sites, subscribing to at least one quite well known one and ordering CDS, and spending money (more than he spends on me in a year) ordering items from a gay fetish store.

We have been married for 30 years and have 2 adult sons. He was a virgin when we met and has never had much libido. Does not like showing physical signs of affection - hugs, holding hands. Can be very cold and hurtful in manner on occasions. Sex was not particularly frequent but become less and less as he developed erectile disfunction many years ago. I put up with years of this always ensuring that he should know that it was not important and that I understood etc. 3 years ago he saw a doctor and now has testosterone implants and sex occurred on rare occasions usually with a penis ring etc to help. By now sex was so rare and always disfunctional it was hard for me to suggest we make love and sound genuine. In the last few months I have developed a gynae problem yet to be diagnosed and sex is very painful and difficult but I have tried to put up with it for his sake on very rare occasions. Now sex does not happen and when I said I would see the doctor to sort out whatever might be wrong, he says "is it worth bothering about?".

That is probably the first sign of something as yet undefined. Now he is being very secretive, his porn subscription started several months ago and he is hiding some things around the house in the most naive way and obviously thinks I am too stupid to notice or sense something is going on - quite apart from seeing things on his credit card statements.

8 years ago out of the blue he became very angry indeed and said there was no point in being married to me, we never did anything (all my suggestions as to doing mutual activities were never taken up by him) and so on. It was so sudden and such a shock. The children had friends visiting and so I could not let my hurt show. We had planned to move to a different part of the country back to where we had many friends and so I coped with this by suggesting that we should make the move sooner rather than later, which we did 7 years ago. It was a good idea but I had to leave behind my family which he gets on with very well indeed and my mother who then became terminally ill. So I made my sacrifice willingly and all seemed moderately well, sex apart, until this gay porn stuff which has been going on for several months.

What do I do? Do I bring up the subject? Do pretend I am ignorant and suffer in silence? I will have to come to some decision over a possible operation on me and so some sort of discussion with regard to my sex life might occur but he may well not mention anything. We are both professional people with interesting lives and good friends. We have years ahead of us but I cannot go on living this lie.

Any views, ideas? Help.

[bongbong]

hi alizarin,

so sorry to hear your story... if it's hurting you inside maybe you should talk to him about it. after all you have the right to ask him. you may not like what you hear so think carefully about whether you want to ask or keep in silence. also he may not respond well and will likely be defensive.

take care...

[Alizarin]

Hi Bongbong, good to know there is someone out there. I have been working and working on this one day and night so very little sleep, lots of long walks and rather distracted work.

I have decided to cook a nice meal and start off by asking him if there is something he should be telling me. His response will probably dictate the rest of the conversation but if he answers fairly reasonably and we have a discussion (or I reveal my suspicions - actually not suspicions but real but I will play along) I will ask him to produce everything he has been buying and tell me everything he can, reasons why etc. I shall invite him not to hold back anything as I will know. Then, if he is truthful, I will suggest that we discuss where we go from here: therapy for him or whatever. Does he want to continue our marriage? What is in it for me? etc.

This smacks of being civilised and I hope it will go that way but, to be honest, I simply will not be able to trust him again. If he has gay, but unpracticed, tendancies will therapy for gay internet porn actually help?

I think coming clean, if he does, will help him but I am far from convinced that it can help me if the past shows I cannot trust him.

I did an accounts check and found some statements missing, signs going back a good three years and a great deal of spending in the last 12 months. In fact, nearly 3 times was spent on himself in December and January than he spent on the family's Christmas presents.

I dread this evening but have to get through part of the day sharing an office with him.

I have booked an appointment for me to see a counsellor on Monday but I have found it impossible to keep going and we have social commitments this weekend, plus a son coming home so need to sort things out before next week gets too busy and so life tries to go on.

Many thanks.

[bongbong]

hi alizarin,

yeah go ahead and talk to him if you want and best of luck with that. i know you have been very shocked and hurt and felt cheated after 30 years of marriage... do whatever you want to do and do it when you are ready. it's alright to feel the hurt and pain. have to go through that before we can start the recovering process.

take care of yourself.

[bongbong]

hi people,

i found out that my husband has been looking at internet porn again and the frequency seems to have increased as well... it really hurts to know that he has looked at those naked women and wanked instead of having sex with me! i didn't want to bring this up but it was eating at me so i decided to ask him about it. he deleted the browser's history and actually did try to deny it but i got lucky. he said he's depressed and unhappy about his life so he looks at them and he doesn't feel like making love to me because of the problems in our relationship. he said i shouldn't worry about it because those pictures are meaningless and looking at them doesn't mean he wants to sleep with other women, which is my primary concern. he also said he hasn't chatted to other women about sex. he's ashamed of the whole thing and this's why he hides it from me. he's more willing to talk about it this time and has told me which website he normally visits. i am grateful that he has been a lot more open about it but i still find it hard to believe that he's told me the whole truth because he has lied about it before not so long ago...

i am worried what he's up to if i am not watching him when he's on the pc and it's crazy and i am so sick of spying! i want to trust again...

what should i do? should i just let go because it's a guy thing?

[bongbong]

hi alizarin,

hope everything is going well for you tonight. http://pureintimacy.org/gr/intimacy/ can be very helpful in dealing with your situation. i found it through the links that liz gave me last night.

[Kate]

Alizarin,

As wellas pure intimacy, there is this section (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffpressures/homos/)on gay and gender issues which may be helpful.

Hope your talk last night went well

Kate

[anna472]

Hia guys just wanted to add something to everyones comments, my husband of 11yrs (recently left me) has been looking at internet porn since we had a pc basically (about 8yrs).

The main problem in my experience is the level of porn acceptance from the viewer becomes increasingly more and more 'the norm' now what i mean is the person into the porn sites gets exposed to all sorts of sick stuff, 'in my opinion' that is such as bondage, swinging sites etc and is ok as long as it stays on the net and doesnt have a detrimental affect on the sex between the two of you however, in my case this was probably the main reason my marriage has broken down i feel as my husband wanted to introduce some of his online experiences into the matrimonial bed. Let me say im not a prude by a long way i love sex and the more variety the better even down to the role play stuff he likes such as the dominitrix ffs!! doesnt do a thing for me but hey he likes it so i can accomodate not hurting anyone and if it keeps the spark innit, then out of the blue he asked me for something that totally devastated me! He asked me to have sex with another man while he was bound and gagged ffs this i could not either do or believe!!!!!!!!
How can this man ask such a thing of me?
How can this man love me or bare to see another man even in the same bed as me and still say he loves me?
It made me very upset i cried because my heart was hurting it made me question our relationship etc
Hence because of this and the fact that i have been totally faithful to him the whole time we have been together made me start to withdraw from our relationship bit at a time, thinking he doesnt want sex with me now because i wont do what he wants, how can we go on with this in the back of my mind?
I felt he would go seek someone who would be prepared to sacrifice themselves in this manner and that this would lead to infidelity in our relationship and surprise surprise i just found out he has a total slapper he is popping into for sordid sex sessions it has been a nightmare but eh i will survive wont lie down and die for no man!!!!!!!

In summary though the whole point is that if someone looks at internet porn or any porn for a continued period the craving developes into more interest in other bad sectors of sexual desires which to many is ok but to most of us its something we dont want in our lives hence ultimately the person looking at the porn thinks its 'acceptable' to act out fantasies that most people find degrading but they think its ok and its not in my opinion, it did affect our sex life to the extent that we didnt have one basically the moment i would walk out of the door he would be on the pc porn surfing and relieving himself that means the desire for sex for us then was non existant this becomes a habit and thus ends badly.

Everything in moderation i say and if they cannot moderate the porn surfing, or it interferes with ur sex life as a couple, or it starts to leave the fantasy world and become a reality in the bedroom and u dont like it, or infringes upon reality in any way!
GET RID OF THE DAMN COMPUTER RIGHT NOW!

CHUCK THE THING OUTTA THE WINDOW!

CANCEL YOUR INTERNET PROVIDER!

GET RID OF THE PERVERT! LOL

[confused_by_life_4_2_long]

Guy.. Like porn, of all kinds, but not snuff.. thats sick. I really wish i could understand why women get so worked up by guys looking at porn, all men want to have sex with multiple women, i think. I belive most men would engage it most sexual acts, if it was legal free etc etc.
But just because we want to do all this perverted mad stuff, doesnt mean we will, fantasy is enough for most. I would sugest, asking him to buy you clothing which he might find u attractive in,, weather he buys u a pudsy bear suit, or a nurses outfit.. at least you might learn something about his fantasies.

[karlinlondon]

So, i'm a guy, i've looked at porn on and off since i was 14 or something. Nothing illegal, no rape, no animals, no incest etc etc etc, 'just' porn.

And now i want to stop. I'm married, child coming soon, i love my wife, i love my life with her and the family we'll have together. But i still look at porn.

So I've been looking at a few sites for advice, and it does seem there are a lot of people in relationships where the guy is looking at porn online or on DVDs. My wife's reaction is what you'd expect from reading this thread or others on other sites. Hurt, she feels betrayed, doesn't trust me to stop now, even though i've said i would, thinks that i don't find her attractive.

I understand why she feels this way, and i want to stop, but i find it really really hard.

When she's going out i tell her the things i'm going to do around the house so that i'm too busy to go online. But i know i can't stop this cold turkey by myself.

I know i can get an adult site blocker, but that won't work, I'll take it down, or find another way around. And i want to stop because i want to stop, not because i have to.

I know i can try hypnotherapy, but i'm bothered that that feels fake too

so that leaves counselling. How do i find one who can deal with this?

any advice is welcome, thanks

[jaxback]

Hi, I have just found out my partner has been doing the same thing , teen etc etc . I have caught him 3 times before and he swore he would stop but didn't , he knew the consequences if he did it again and it didn't matter because he went ahead and did it anyway. We did have a very active sex life and I was totally fooled into believing he had stopped and found out by chance. I bought software for the computer to retrieve deleted files because I felt I had too be sure that it never went into the kiddy stuff because we have four children , and even if we didn't have kids I would have reported him to the police. I found that not only had he been looking on the pc but had downloaded it to his mobile phone. So please don't think its because of you or your lack of sex life you did not make him look for it he made the choice.

[silverjody79]

hello to you all, i am a new girl to this but i was astonished to see how many other people are having the same problem as me.
i found out one day in april this year that my fiance is was using a adult dating site,
i then confronted him about it, i kept very calm about it which i think scared him a bit,when i asked him why he felt he needed to do this he answered that he and a couple of work friends were doing this for a laugh, i knew it was not the truth because with this site you can post pictures and the picture was taken in our living room. he promised as many men do that he would never do it again.
i felt really insecure as we are getting married next year and we have two children,
so i decided to take a look at the site again to just make sure that he was not on there, to my horror there is a man with the same sort of description and i know the picture was taken i our own bedroom as it is newly decorated and i know what my fiance looks like if you know what i mean. but this time it states descreet relationship and erotic e-mail and worst of all 1 on 1 s*x.
what worries me is that this site finds local people that want the same kind of thing,
i am so scared that he has already done something as before i confronted him he was coming home late from work and being very secretive about his computer he even added a password, and he is very secretive about his two phone.

what should i do please give me advise

[Helen]

Silverjody,

I suspect you are not going to like my advice:

Call off the wedding.

You know that saying 'fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me? It applies here. You caught him once and gave him another chance. He promised not to do it again yet weeks later, he is at it again. If you let him get away with this for a second time, you might as well give him a green light to sleep around. Because he will believe that you will forgive him every time you catch him out. And I suspect you will - unless you take a stand now.

Forget trying to change him. Forget his lies. He will not change. Men with your fiance's tastes seldom, if ever, do. You cannot marry this man. He is planning to marry you yet here he is, lying. Worse, like you, I suspect he is already cheating. His behaviour with the staying out and the furtive calls and two phones is a dead give away, especially with the ads you have found. The big question is this: why does he want to marry you when clearly, you are not satisfying his sexual urges in every respect? This doesn't mean you are lacking in any way, by the way. But you are one woman and it seems to me that your fiance needs a harem. It's up to you whether you make yourself a part of it - I personally wouldn't and, given your reaction to your discoveries about his activities, I wouldn't advise you to either. If you do, this will eventually erode every bit of confidence and self-worth you possess.

If your fiance wants to play the field in this way, he needs to be single and free to sleep with whoever he wants to sleep with. If you marry him, I suspect the wheels will fall off sooner, rather than later and parting then becomes a sticky, legal and often hostile business. And he will be hostile because he will say 'you knew what I was like so why did you marry me...?' In other words, he will blame you for not taking decisive action and not himself for being weak and stupid and failing to recognise exactly what he stood to lose.

In terms of what to do, I would confront him with your latest evidence. Print the page with his latest ad. Tell him that you will not be a cuckolded fiancee much less a cuckolded wife. Then ask him to leave because this man is most definitely not for you.


Helen

[hoxton]

Hi Silverjody,

Firstly I would like to say my heart goes out to you there is nothing worce than finding out your old man is looking else where.

I can't belive you are sopposed to be getting married now what I find shocking is that most people are at their happiest when they are engaged, looking forward to committing to the person they love more than anyone else in the world. If he is doing this now then I think it spells out big trouble please do not marry him thinking he might change once your married everyone will tell you this will not happen.
Print out the advert of your old man and see what he has to say about it, I am sure he will say something stupid like it is someone else who has the same bedroom as us and has the same body as me but it aint me. (what ever)

My only advice to you is to not marry him. If you want to work it out then he will need to know what he is doing is wrong and want to stop it, I think you should try some counselling.
The fact he is advertising for 1-1 sex tell you that he has every intention of being unfaithfull if he has not already ?

Take care

Amanda.

[ready to give up]

I have read all the messages you have wrote and I thought I would share my story that I am going through now. My husband and I have only been married for a few years now but lived together beforehand. We just recently got two seperate computers and he has been downloading the porn and some actually have been teens (which he says was an accident). I have a almost teenage daughter now so it is very disturbing to see this. I have confronted him and he says he will stop. Well he hasn't but this time it is not the teens (that I know of). He has recently locked his computer and says that I am just being nosy. When I confront him he just gets angry like I do and we end up in one big battle over it. I have already dealt with sexual abuse in the past and I would hate my daughter to have to go through it. Plus I feel he is not satisfied with me anymore. I am ready to give up and just say the (*() with him and his ways. But on the other hand I do love him very much and willing to stick it out for one last time. I just feel degraded and hurt. What should I do?

[Helen]

Ready to give up,

There are a lot of worrying things about your post. First is your husband's need to keep what he is doing secret. Second is the fact that he is downloading teen porn. Third is his statement that it was an accident yet he viewed it (presumably after you spoke?) AND he is doing it again. Finally, is his waning sexual interest in you. The last tells me that he is getting such a thrill from this teen porn that he is no longer interested in you, a woman.

What do you do about it? It depends how old you think those teens were. If they looked underage/borderline underage, you may want to wait until he is out at work and then get the content of his computer investigated. If he takes his computer with him, his activity can be traced from his IP (Internet Protocol) address, which is bound to be similar to yours. I would not worry about finding out what yours is if you don't know it. Your internet service provider will know what it is. Checking up on him in this way sounds underhand and like not quite the right thing to do to a spouse but believe me, if those teens are underage, you have a duty to them and your daughter to do what you can to prevent any harm coming to those girls - and your duty to them comes before your duty to your husband.

The other thing you need to be alert to is his interest in other women or young girls. Don't say anything but observe his interaction with your daughter and young teens when you are out together. Are you comfortable with the way he behaves around your daughter? Does he eye up young girls when he thinks you are not looking? If you find that you are uncomfortable about the way he behaves around young girls, you need to do something to put some distance between him and your daughter - but not in a way that tips his hand about your unease about the way he behaves around her. I would also talk to your daughter about stranger danger if you haven't done so already and tell her you are doing it now because of her age. I would add to this the dangers that might come from older men but not in a way that frightens her. Just tell her that because of her age, certain things are not legal so if she finds there are things going on that she is uncomfortable with, she must tell you, even if she is urged to keep it a secret.

I think the final thing I would say to you is you need to think about the lack of consideration and respect that he is showing towards you. He knows you were abused yet he is still doing this stuff. The fact that he is looking at young girls makes this particularly unpalatable, as does his anger towards you when you express your hurt and upset. If you honestly cannot live with what he is doing, I would urge you to bail out. Take your child/children and leave or tell him to leave. Do not give him another chance. He has already demonstrated that he cannot be trusted. If he likes the look of young girls, believe me, he will not be able to stop looking at this sort of porn. Besides, if he truly has nothing to hide, why the password on the computer? Why the secrecy when he knows you have no issue with 'porn' - adult porn, that is. The password is there precisely because he is hiding something from you. His anger is a diversionary tactic. He likes what he is doing and doesn't want to stop. So he makes out that you are being nosy and unreasonable when, in fact, it is him who is being unreasonable.

I hope you manage to sort this out because the situation you are in sounds untenable. Let us know what happens, won't you and come here to post when you need support. Incidentally, if you do not have a password on your own computer I would put one on to prevent him reviewing your activity on this site. The last thing you want to do is tip him off about the precise nature of your worries about his behaviour because if he is doing something inappropriate, he will start to hide evidence - and you don't want that. Not with a young girl in the house.

Take care,


Helen

[ready to give up]

Thanks for the reply. However I did want you to know that me coming on this site is something that he will not find because I do it at work and the only way he can find it is going through my e-mail which he doesn't have a password to. I do not understand the ISP address history thing. That is something that I have never heard of. Can u please tell me what to do with that?
He told me last night that he never changed the password but when I tried yesterday (on the phone with him) it didn't work. He said yesterday he changed it because of me being nosy. He is lying to me now and that is something he told me he never would. As far as me being uncomfortable around him with my daughter, I feel that way towards everyone. See it was my father that done it to me, so anyone could to them. When I logged on in front of him, the password was back to normal. I don't know what to do. I hope he has not found the way to erase everything he does.
The site that he went to back then is a site that you pay a monthly fee and you get all the downloads you want and it doesn't matter what it is. I know that sometimes you look for one thing and it downloads another (like for instance Ice Age 2 was a porn in the end). I did that one. But the names were what they said they were and they were in the recycled bin when I found them and when I looked through the recent documents a few of them where in there and I know the only way they get into the recent documents is by opening the file.
I don't have anyone else to talk to because he has pretty much ran all of my friends away when we first met and the only friend I have left is scared to talk to me because of him. He thinks that I want her which is not the case. I give in to one of his sexual fantasy a couple of years ago and after the fact he thought I had more fun than him and that he felt like the third wheel. The only reason he felt that way is because me and her wasn't into it at all. Just so he would have a bad experience and not want it again.
I don't know I am just confused, scared and humiliated.

[Mike56]

RTGU - depending on your web browser (the prog you use to go on the web), you'll have an icon or a menu item which will open the browser's history file.

Are you using M/soft's Internet Explorer? The most common browser. If so, there will either be an icon titled "history" or if it's not titled, it looks a little like a circle with a green arrow going to the left. On my browser, the icon bar reads as follows:

Back / Forward / Stop / Refresh / Home / Search / Favourites / HISTORY / Mail / Print etc.

Anyway - click the History folder and you'llbe able to see waht sites have been accessed over a given time. But, a user can easily clear the folder and/or set it so that it doesn't retain the info so it's not infallible.

IF you have McAfee or Norton Security progs, they also retain a history and many people forget to clear that! If you want to know how to get into the McAfee one I can tell you, but you may find it's been pasword protected so you'll need the relevant password.

I am concerned about one thing - your comment about "giving in to one of his fantasies" some time ago. Fantasy is a great thing - and sometimes moving from fantasy to reality is great as well, BUT ONLY IF you are happy with the concept / idea / whatever.

Experimentation is good - IF you want to, and IF you enjoy the experience. If you don't, NO ONE has the right to force you to and frankly I'd question whether I wanted to be with someone who was wanting me to do something I didn't want to do.

If nothing else, it would make me question the depth of respect they had for me, and that would worry me. A lot.

Mike.

[ready to give up]

He clears out the internet history file. However he does have McAbee or whatever it is so if you can help me on that one I would greatly appreciate it. I need to know so I can make my decision.

[Mike56]

Ok - try this. You're looking for McAfee Security Centre. Then McAfee Privacy Service which will probably be in it's menu bar on the left hand side.

Then, Event Log - this will give you a list of all the sites accessed thro the computer, again assuming it hasn't been cleared or set with a short retnetion period. You can't open the sites from it though, as you can from Internet Explorers History file.

You need to know that McAfee is password protected, but waht happens for me is that the password dialogue is only requested when the PC is turned on. Unless it's either turned off or logged out of, one can access all aprts of the security programme. So, you're going to need to be able to access the system before it's logged off or closed down unless you have the password.

Good luck. I hope this helps you. Mike.