Why do men need porn?

[Fairyraine]

Hi everyone,

I have just registered. Wondered if anyone has any views on why men need porn? I am trying to understand why my partner needs porn and why it is making my life such a misery:( . Would like someone to talk to.
:confused:

[MPM]

There are propably a thousand reasons depending on the man.

I've always liked to believe that men need visual stimulation to be able to get off whereas woman have a more active imagination.

Sorry you're feeling so bad, what does your partner say and how is it affecting your relationship?

[Fairyraine]

Hi MPM, (What does the initials stand for?)

Thanks for replying.

At the moment my relationship with my husband has been shredded. Over the last week we have stopped talking, stopped having sex. I feel really betrayed because he said it had stopped when infact he has continued to watch DVDs and download porn from the net. It is his lies which hurt. I don't know how to move forward in our relationship. He won't talk to me as he just gets aggressive and verbally abuses me. He makes it out as if I am the one with the problem, do I? :confused:

[MPM]

If someone is uncomfortable with their partner viewing porn for whatever reason then it is a problem you both need to adress. If you're upset that your husband enjoys porn then you need a calm discussion with him where you explain how and why you find it hurtful and he needs to tell you why he enjoys it. Maybe if you feel this isn't possible you could suggest a Relate appointment where you can both talk honestly about how you feel in a slightly controlled environment.

There are many different viewpoints on the porn issue, have you checked out these threads?

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=3232&highlight=porn

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=3441&highlight=porn

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=3447&highlight=porn

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=3704&highlight=porn

Personally I am not upset by porn in general, I am concerned with the lies and feelings of betrayal (as you mention above) that can sometimes go hand in hand.

Your husbands reaction when the subject is brought up is pretty standard so please don't feel that this is in someway your fault.

There are other woman who have been through similar experiences on this board and I'm sure they can offer you helpful insight.

Take care & keep posting

As for my username, now that would be telling ;)

[Kelly26]

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[Fairyraine]

Hey thanks MPM for your last message - I am no longer lonely :) . This problem we have has gone on for over 15 years now. I love my husband very much and I would do anything for him but it upsets me that he feels the need to look after other women when he can have a real women by his side who really loves him. I am also very protective of my growing daughters and feel the need to protect their innocence. Thanks for being there for me. I no longer feel alone and I will sift throw the thread links which you pasted for me.

I have been attending a counsellor for over a year now with other problems and this issue reared its ugly head. I understand this problem I have with porn has something to do with the way I was brought up (and not dragged up like my husband) and I have such strong beliefs and values. I admit I am a prude. I lack a bit of self confidence from time to time.

This is difficult for me and I know things will not be resolved overnight nor will it go away. I am frightened of losing everything but I feel things must come to a head soon.

I don't know if I can just admit defeat and accept that this is the way my husband is and that he needs his porn. Eh, yuch even just saying that makes me want to throw up! Time will tell. Thanks again. :eek:

[Fairyraine]

Hi Kelly,

I know you were hoping for a reply from MPM however, I was the one who posted the question and hope you don't mind me replying.

When I read your message I must say you pulled at my heartstrings. Things are very raw between myself and my husband over the problems we are having with regards to porn. I just wanted to say that I don't think it is us who have the problem, although men would like to us think that we are the problem. With regards to my husband when our sex life was ongoing we had fabulous sex and he had nothing to complain about because he had multiple climaxes. Whereas I had to be happy with the one or two. Is there any justice in the world? Or are you of the view that we are all responsible for our own climax? Rubbish!! I worked very hard to give my husband his but he puts little effort into it. I believe men watch porn because it gives them the control they want and they can masterbate to their hearts content without the need to satisfy anybody else in the process - selfish bastards!! (Sorry)

Anyway, I don't know how things will end, I am afraid of losing my family, my home but I will not lose my self respect for anyone.

I have been through a Divorce before and it is very difficult but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just keeping digging your heels in - you and every other women out there deserves it!!

[kelly26]

Fairyraine

Thanks for you response...I know that I need to keep my self-respect but maybe I am slightly different to you. There is part of me that knows that i didn't make the effort and make him feel loved (maily because I had my own problems) but made it easier to blame him rather than look at myself....now I'm not so sure and want to try to understand what was going on in his head....although Im still to tender to talk to him and don't know if i ever will

[Fairyraine]

Hi Kelly,

I am sorry if you found my last message unhelpful. I heard a lot of sadness when reading your reply.

Time they say is a great healer. I am trying to listen to my inner-feelings more and stay positive.

Take care.;)

[MPM]

Hi Kelly

I am sorry to hear that you’re going through a tough time.

There will always be contributory factors from both sides to every relationship breakdown and it is good that you can recognise this, blindly attributing all problems to the other partner will always be a surefire recipe for disaster. If you still feel that there are issues within yourself that are unresolved then please do explore them, it won’t do you any harm and can only help you for your future relationship/s. Your username says Kelly26 so I am assuming that you are still quite young.

Do you agree and are you happy that that your husband said he was justified in looking elsewhere to get his sexual kicks because you had ‘gone off sex’? Many partners porn use is regarded by them in an almost positive light ‘Well at least I didn’t have an affair’. Oh, okay, now you put it like that we all understand, porn widows around the world can now breath a collective sigh of relief and think about how grateful they all are!

Is it possible you lost your sex drive because you didn’t enjoy it and because you were getting nothing out of it? If sex is always the same type of sex without intimacy then it is just ****ing. A heathly sex life can feature all types of sex but when it is this same type every time without any emotional attachment then why would you feel any desire to participate?

As I mentioned before, it is not the viewing porn which destroys relationships, it is the lies and the secrecy that do the damage.

Regarding wanting advice, I am unsure as to what advice you’re looking for really? If you have made the decision to proceed with a divorce and subsequently have no contact then you appear to be quite sure of what you want. But, on the other side you say that you don’t know whether you will ever speak again, almost with a twinge of sadness. If you feel that you need to speak with him then I would recommend that you do it, you might not get the answers you’re looking for but maybe that’s better than having any regrets.

I wish you well and hope that you can find the peace you’re looking for.

[MPM]

Hi Fairyraine

It’s good that you’re talking through your feelings with a counsellor, and because this issue has been brought up it means that you are willing to take steps to resolve it :)
Why not try & get your husband along to a session? He might not be that keen initially but as if you mention that your solo counselling has uncovered a lot of feelings that you would like to talk about with him and be able to tell him how you feel then he might come round. It would probably be best to visit a different therapist so he doesn’t feel that you’ve ‘got in there first’ so to speak.

At the moment you’re really angry and hurt but be careful that your anger doesn’t drive an even bigger wedge between you. You say you still love him and want to make your marriage work so don’t lose sight of this behind the red mist.

I understand your concerns for your daughters but try not to worry about that too much, in all honesty they’re more likely to encounter porn at school than they are in your home.

I agree that using porn to masturbate is the quick release way. The specific porn of interest is available at the click of a mouse, there is no foreplay required, no chores to be done, no flowers to buy. It’s the easy option and can get you from A to B in a matter of seconds. Problems can arise (as others have posted) when the only way their partners can gain sexual pleasure is within their web of lies & secrecy.

Hopefully for you somewhere in the middle there is a compromise between the two of you , do keep us posted and I’m glad you’re keeping your self respect in check.

Take care

[Fairyraine]

Hey there,
Wanted to keep you posted with regards to my wee problem. Well we have managed to talk a little. However, it was rather like trying to draw blood out of a stone.
I said to my husband that I didn't want to change him. It is just not in my nature. I don't want to have to give him an ultimatum as I fear the outcome. So when I questioned him why. He said I had said something to spark it off again last week. I asked if him watching porn had anything to do with me. He said no. So really he contradicted himself there. Or
am I analysing into this too much? :confused:
The situation is beginning to drive me potty. We are talking and things appear fine on the surface. However, while we are sleeping in the same bed we do not know how to approach eachother. The whole situation needs to be threaded out but he just won't open up to me. Yesterday I wanted to just plead to him to forget everything and things will be fine but I would just be trying to ignore this problem then. I love him very much and can't bear it that we appear to be drifting apart. Is it inevitable anyway?
I have asked him to determine whether he thinks he has a problem. He won't go and speak to anyone. In the past I dragged him to see my counsellor but he refused to go back being unable to talk to a stranger. He fears by me asking him to open up and create a better understanding and build on our communication skills together that I am trying to change him! I feel I am in a no win situation.
After the birth of our twins my husband's sex drive went through the roof. Things have been getting worse now for 9 years. I had a few problems after the birth which made sex very painful. The problem was only resolved 2 years ago. So as my Counsellor says I have 7 years of pain to come to terms with. Sometimes I feel like I have been abused sexually with husband's continual sexual demands on me. I feel he has nothing to complain about with regards to our sex as he has multiple climaxes when I have grown to accept the odd one here and there. Surely this does not make any sense. Now through counselling it has been made clear to me I am entitled to have my needs met while all this time I have been trying to keep my husband happy.
I fear this whole problem is going to overtake things in my life. I have been accepted into Uni this year and need to retain my self-esteem, confidence and well being. I am sitting lots of exams at college at the moment and feel really stressed out. I really am excited about going to Uni but I hoped my husband would be there for support. Not sure if I can handle so many changes in my life.
I know I am going through lotof changes within myself and fear I will move on without my husband.
This is like the grieving process - I am no longer angry about the situation and have tried to see sense. I am normally a bouncy happy person but I feel like I am slowing being suffocated. So I have been through the angry stage, denial, is it acceptance next? Raine.

[MPM]

Hi Raine

It's good that you've had a chat even though the outcome wasn't perfect but even Rome wasn't built in a day!
I'm so sorry to hear about your post childbirth problems, from what you've said your husband didn't seem very understanding at this time, so yes I agree with your consellor that you've a lot of feelings of hurt to resolve from this very long period. Just a thought but is it possible that your husband was aware that he was causing you distress so instead of talking this though with you and finding say less painful ways for your lovemaking he decided to turn to porn instead? Just a thought.

What did he say when you asked him to determine whether he has a problem? Do you really deep down believe he has an addiction or has it become more of a habit? He has said that something you said sparked him off which, as much as it could be percieved as a trigger for him to use porn to escape, it may be no more of a problem than someone wanting a stiff drink after a tough day at work. Only he can answer this really but you might have a pretty good idea.


You can't make him go to counselling if it makes him uncomfortable but maybe he needs to realise that without you being able to move forward with this together then it will cause your rift to widen, most probably resulting in a permanant split. Is that what he really wants? As you said you're not giving him an ultimatum like "the porn stops or I go", all you're only requesting that for the sake of your marriage you'd like to work on this together and not bury your heads in the sand and hope it goes away. Sadly these things have a habit of coming back to bite us in the butt.

Today you're sounding really strong and focused, It appears that maybe constantly trying to please your husband to the detriment of your own needs has left you empty and now you're taking stock of your life and moving towards things that make you happy and fulfilled Congratulations on going back to Uni, this is fantastic but as you say unless your husband wants to move forward with you then there's a chance that he'll fall by the wayside. Take care of yourself & good luck with your exams & try not to get to stressed out about them, easy to say I know!

Keep posting x

[WifeNKansas]

Maybe you should just run to bed first and slip on something a little more comfortable if you know what I mean!! Make sure you are holding some lube when he comes in and put that porn to good use! You can definetly benefit from the situation! Most likely if he is like my husband, he just looks at it for fun...kinda like we shop for fun!

You should try to take a look at it too maybe?!?!?!? I know that when hubby and I share that together it can lead to some great nookie and it's always readily available so it works anytime! I know he would appreciate you in that "slinky outfit" with lube and a porn mag when he gets to bed~! I know my man does! Good Luck sweetie!

[MPM]

Nice tip WifeNKansas, I imagine this is a lot easier when you're 21 and are briming with self confidence though!

Keep up the good work ;)

[Fairyraine]

Hey there,

I am quite insulted actually by your remarks WifeofKanvas! You obviously have not read my whole story through - I am not a cold hard bitch in bed and have satisfied my husband in the past. :rolleyes: And no I am not 21 but I have a great body for being in my 30's. I intend to keep my self-respect and if my husband finds porn better than me then hey ho it is his loss!! Raine :cool:

[Raymond]

Can't see how you can ever justify porn. If you fill yourself with those images and then go with your spouse, that's what you see not your spouse.

One cannot truly come together with one's spouse after watching porn. It's her and the others that will be on his mind.

Raymond

[smatthan]

In my humble opinion it's another form of adultery, as one is lusting after other men/women. Indicates that all is not well, and communication has broken down. Self control is part of the marriage relationship and I suppose that's what gives it security. When one allows other people (in whatever form, magazines, friendships, internet etc) it gets complicated. Marriage is complicated enough as it is.

I hear that it's not just men indulging in porn these days. Although I have no personal experience of it, I can imagine that it's as damaging whether it's the man or woman.

Best to stay clear, or get rid of the stuff, before it's too late.

[helenrw200]

HI Smatthan

I agree with the comment that viewing porn is a kin to infidelity, but I don't think it's a question of " allowing ". We all have free will and as such are in control only of ourselves, if a partner/husband/wife chooses to look at porn, then one can only control ones reaction to it , they have the free will to chose to view and also to chose not to.

Although I strongly disagree with porn I also disagree that a person viewing it has a communication breakdown in their relationship, people view porn for a variety of reasons, some straightforward, some not. Some women have no problem with the husbands viewing it, some do.

Can I ask you, if you found that your husband had, what would be your reaction ?And if you asked him, begged him not to and he still did, what then ?

Helen

[dazed225]

Hello everyone! i am new.

i may need help / advice.

my husband look porn nearly everyday... is bad? it may affect our marriage? i don;t feel right he look porn hide my back...

what i do ?

please help me.

[helenrw200]

dazed

Have you spoken to your husband and told him how you feel ? It is only bad for your H too look at porn if he is doing it secretively and knows you don't want him to.To look at porn everyday is excessive by most people's standards, it is something that needs to be talked about and I would say this is the first thing you need to do.

Regards

Helen

[smatthan]

Hi helenrw200

If I knew for certain that DH had taken up viewing porn I would have to get it all out in the open. We may then need help. Was it anything to do with me, I would ask... If it wasn't and help was not accepted, he would have to make a choice. Not simple. If help was accepted, it would be important that accountability of some sort was set up - with a good friend/professional who understood and appreciated confidentiality.

We've talked through these things over the years (over 21 years) and neither of us has even become involved at all with porn. I am grateful for a husband who respects me as I am, with all my many weaknesses (which hopefully I can work on improving), and I would do the same. It's a two way thing.

Secrets in marriage are always a trap, and a slippery slope... Best not to have secrets but to communicate openly. Not easy, but marriage is not easy. It is easier to pack it all in and start over again and then repeat the same pattern infinitely!

[helenrw200]

The thing is smatthan that things are not always so clear cut, if you love someone and yet they do this one thing that you hate, do you leave them ?

My partner was fully aware of my dislike of porn, and the reasons behind it, we talked a great deal and at length about the issue before we got into a relationship, however it didn't prevent him from carrying on viewing in secret. Some people are not able to communicate openly about why they do something , and yes, maybe you are lucky that in your marriage the issue hasn't arisen, but I do wonder , if it did, whether you would then see it as such a clear cut issue ?

Men viewing porn is not necessarily about disrespecting their partners , it is however about disrespecting their partner's feelings IF they don't want them to do it.

You talk as though it is possible to prevent a husband having secrets and and to make them communicate openly, as I stated before everyone has a free will, you cannot order them to be open, nor not to keep secrets !

As to asking and getting it out in the open, what makes you sure that by asking that this would happen ? Just because you wish something to be so, doesn't mean it is.....

Helen

[smatthan]

My husband and I have just talked about this again this evening. We think that there's an added cultural element involved. How one was raised. How families view women, whether they are respected, whether it's okay to watch them undress and leer. And so on... if it's okay for little boys to treat litle girls differently (belittle them) then there's nothing to stop them doing it as adults, to women. Respect for one's own body seems quite important. If we can't respect our own bodies, why should we respect someone else's?

Would it be okay for a man to actively allow and accompany his own daughter to model for such magazines/videos/films etc? If it's okay to look at it and gain sexual pleasure, surely it's okay for one's own child to take it up as a profession.... or is that different....?

We have a daughter and are raising her up to be a modest young lady, with a healthy respect for her own body. When I think of what pornography represents, it saddens me because it's always someone's daughter, wife or mother exposing themselves to a whole host of men. Forgive me for observing this from a woman's perspective, but I am a woman! Happy to be a woman, married to one man and the mother of a beautiful daughter.

All things said and done, being married to a believing Christian man, who communicates with me and loves me no matter what, I know I am very blessed and feel grateful. It's what I'd wish for anyone. I cannot imagine how I'd feel if I was viewed differently by my husband - whether he committed adultery or betrayed me in some other way.

I never said I could change anyone, or make them do anything... each of us has moral and ethical choices to make daily. I just trust and live day by day. All I know is that I would know something was wrong in my marriage if one of us strayed and gained pleasure from another's body...

[helenrw200]

smatthan

You are lucky in the respect that your husband is willing to communicate with you, and yes formative experience can have a bearing on how men and women react as adults, all I'm asking you to see is that not all men are like your husband, and all women are not like you, and nothing is ever so black and white as you seem to think. You trust and live day by day, we all do, until that trust is broken....

Many people don't see that it's wrong for a child, an adult child, to pose for pornography and would therefore be happy to accompany them to a shoot, for those people it is purely a job, I was one of those children, but I was a child, and I didn't have a choice, so to me it is very different. I've seen first hand the abuse, the despair that can go on in that world and so I can never view pornography as "work " or a " pleasure ". But I can see that most people don't have that experience and so for them they see it in a different way.

I have two sons, one of 23 and one of 17, neither have been encouraged to view women as sexual objects and we have talked at length about pornography. However I am not naieve and realise that at some point they would have been curious enough to look, it is so, so easily available these days and it is impossible to monitor everything they look at, nor would I want to. All I can do is instill morals into them and hope that that's enough.

We all start life hoping to find the perfect partner who will love and cherish us and adore only us, but for lots of us we have to accept less than perfect and take the whole person into account. Does that mean we shouldn't love them ? Is it possible to control who we love ?

Helen

[smatthan]

Helen

Aim low and we often hit our target. We need to expect the very best even when it all looks bleak. I do not believe that marriage is anything to do with luck. I believe it is about trust and hope and common goals. Love is a decision and a choice. Even when things go wrong (as in every relationship they do) I believe that this is possible.

You have undoubtedly experienced deep hurt and I hope that your relationship is a happy one, despite your past pain. Only we can choose how we use the past - to heal or hurt. I am sure that your sons will value all you do for them.

Not everyone starts life hoping for a perfect partner, in fact I know of many people who set out to do the exact opposite - as they felt they did not deserve to be happy. Perhaps due to abuse and pain.. 'he hits me but I really love him...' that sort of thing..

All I can say is that I cannot pretend that I married a rotten pig and that we are unhappy. I know that I am not perfect, or married to someone perfect, but that we are willing to work it out - and the decision is for LIFE. It's not a sentence but a journey. Love hopes all things, bears all things, keeps no record of wrongs... love is forever...

[helenrw200]

I don't think that's necessarily true, love can be learned, what I mean is that love can grow, that's true, but it is also an emotion and as such is not always controlable .

I certainly don't think I aimed low , I made decisions based on what my life was, and the person I was at the time. That person changed and so did the circumstances. I was very much in love with my first husband but I also loved him deeply. After a few years together it became apparent that he wasn't who I thought he was, he hid it well. I loved him enough to want to work things out, unfortunately ( or fortunately as it turned out ) he didn't feel the same way. I had my wonderful son from him, so I will never see it as a mistake, just a sadness.

Nobody, and certainly not I , is suggesting you should pretend anything, what I am suggesting is that you could perhaps not generalise and expect everyone to be the same. Love for you may be forever, but you've already stated that if it had turned out your H had looked at porn, you would question that forever by asking him to make a choice .Sadly for some of us those are not just words, they are reality, we are living with that..... so we give them that choice, and still they do it. Does that mean then we should make that choice for them ? what of love forever then ?

You seem to think I am questioning you , your marriage, I'm not and you are lucky, whether you choose to believe that or not , that you are married to someone who can share his emotions with you, someone who loves you as you love him, a marriage based in mutual respect and trust, yes you may have aimed for that, you may have built that over time , but please don't moralise to those of us who don't have that and until you've been in that position yourself, please don't judge.

The people on this forum didn't aim low, they married the person they love, and like you ,thought it was forever, they've in many cases had children, built a home, shared a life, only to discover that it was all a sham and have often not been given the chance to remain married even though they were prepared to forgive and carry on. Count your blessings, I'm sure you do, but as I have said, twice before now, life isn't black and white but shades of grey too.....

Some of the happiest marriages I've seen are bewteen people who have very little in common and have very different goals, but are prepared to let each other follow those goals and have a deep and passionate love for each other but trust can be broken at any time even in the happiest of marriages and some problems are just not solveable no matter how much love there is , once broken it's hard to repair, but do you give up trying ?

I have no further comment to make to you on this subject and I wish you well.

[smatthan]

Helen

I have neither moralised nor judged... unfortunately you have chosen to perceive my words in that way. If that is my fault then I apologise unreservedly. I wish you well too.

Su

[Rex]

Fairyraine

The only thing I can offer to you is that I first discovered porn when I was 18 or 19. I watched a tape with a high school buddy. When I went to college, the lure continued. It has never spun out of control because I watch it occasionally. Bottom-line, I think women and men view sex differently. I use porn because I can't even remember the last time we had sex. We have been married 8 years and have two small children. Even as a father, I need release and enjoy sex like every other man or woman. I travel for my job and visit sites where other couples are physically enjoying the act on camera. To be honest, I just like to know that if I can not enjoy the act physically that others are still enjoying it. Like someone else on the thread mentioned, it is entertainment for men like women enjoy shopping. If your husband is not addicted and is still actively pleasing you in your bed, I would not make a big case out of it. I wish you both the best. Just my opinion.

[helenrw200]

Bellabrave

I so agree with you. Yet again the issue of porn has raised it's ugly head in my relationship and once again it's driven a wedge between us. I found what could be loosely termed a newspapper hidden in the car today, it's basically full of naked women and adverts for porn and escort agencies and chat lines.

I asked him why it was hidden ( wrapped in a bag, and stored under all his work clothes), according to him that's not hidden. He " borrowed " it from someone at work and forgot to give it back. I said show me where the actual news is in it then, he then started to get angry. I said it's porn or me you need to make a choice, his answer ? Oh so now you're threatening to leave again.

He then ignored me all morning and has gone off to work, leaving me wondering yet again if he's really AT work, or if he will bother to come back.

He will never see why I object to him looking at this, there is no empathy from him for the abuse I went through.Right at this moment I can't see how we can ever reconcile the different attitudes we have to porn. In which case I can't ever trust him......

Helen

[Raymond]

Sad that you are having this trouble as well Helen.

Porn is a real problem in the days we live in. As a christian I look on it as mental or visual adultery. Jesus says that if we look at a woman to lust after her we commit adultery in our hearts. It might feel good to start with but after a while something else kicks in and we are on a downward slide. There is a spirit behind it that will seek to chain the man and break the marriage. We owe our prime love to our wives including sexually. The bible says we should cherish, love and understand her. I think we are hurting our wives and damaging the marriage if we use porn. It's just fantasy not real. Why give our sexual strength to a fantasy when we can have real sex with our wives the way God designed it. We both need intimacy so porn is like a lie that steals from the marriage and I know where that comes from, but I won't get too spiritual as it's not the christian marriage part of this website.

Raymond

[helenrw200]

Raymond

I am not a Christian in fact I'm don't have a religion at all, but I do believe in good and evil and I believe that both of those things are in all people. I believe in honesty , respect and fidelity, fidelity in mind body and soul.I believe that we all have the free will to resist the things we know aren't moral or fair. We have a choice as to whether or not we hurt people.

I agree with what you're saying and to me pornography will always be cheating, it is taking intimacy away from two people and introducing a third person into the relationship. It is the deceit and dishonesty that it causes that upsets me so much, I'm an honest person, I don't hide my emotions , I don't lie to my partner and I don't lust after other people. Is it too much to ask the same in return ?

Helen

[Rosesrred]

hi there

my husband uses porn....I think most men have checked it out or used it a some stage in their lives.

I think porn doesn't have to ruin a marriage, my husband says he likes to look at something and knows women have far more active imaginations. He also keeps the porn quiet but doesn't lie about it. We have an honest relationship and i think that makes all the difference in the world.

If a guy is lying to his partner about it the secrecy is what upsets a girl....we believe if it is furtive then it is hurtful. I would also advise not trying to stop your partner,,,,,it will only encourage the guy to lie more.

[helenrw200]

Rosesrred

I am aware that at some point most men look at porn, however when asked specifically not to by their wives or partners and then lying and hiding it, it's wrong. Most women don't ask a man not to do something unless they have a good reason for it. It's called respect .

I was abused as a child into teenage years, I was photographed and filmed against my will and had that same film distributed.As for encouraging him to lie more, rubbish .He has a choice, he's had that choice from day one, I have never hidden my past, nor my wishes that any partner of mine does not demean women by watching porn, he had the choice to walk away, if he continues to watch porn he has that same choice, there are no ifs ands and buts. There are plenty of women out there who have no objection to porn, if he wishes to continue watching it, then he should find one. If he continues to lie to me, it's over.

I have shown him respect and if he has asked me not to do something he objects strongly to, which he has, I have stopped out of respect. I deserve the same.

Helen

[Raymond]

Raymond

I am not a Christian in fact I'm don't have a religion at all, but I do believe in good and evil and I believe that both of those things are in all people. I believe in honesty , respect and fidelity, fidelity in mind body and soul.I believe that we all have the free will to resist the things we know aren't moral or fair. We have a choice as to whether or not we hurt people.

I agree with what you're saying and to me pornography will always be cheating, it is taking intimacy away from two people and introducing a third person into the relationship. It is the deceit and dishonesty that it causes that upsets me so much, I'm an honest person, I don't hide my emotions , I don't lie to my partner and I don't lust after other people. Is it too much to ask the same in return ?

Helen

There's nothing wrong with your ideals Helen. Most men deep down would know that what you say is right. The trouble is having the power to do something about it. Cultivating love and being honest both help, but sometimes there's a power behind these things that can be overcoming to some men. I know I would have been into it in my younger days being up against what we have today. I can be tempted at times but I don't give into it as I know I would be sinning against God as well as my wife. I know it could destroy the precious intimacy we have in marriage, which I value as a person as well as having conscience towards God.

Lifestyle helps. Avoiding the situations that could trigger any weaknesses one might have. Keeping the computer in the living room helps. Not being secretive, but open and honest. Admitting a weakness if you have one. I have one weakness. I know what it is. Particular scenarios, so I pay full attention if I am tempted on that level to make sure I don't enter into it.

So as a man I agree 100% to what you are saying, most real christians would. We are not animals we are moral beings and not designed to live in that way. I can only say that I find the power to live right comes from God and I am a person who was brought up as an orphan without a family, abused by carers etc. etc.

Our wives are the most precious person on earth to us, why should we destroy it.?
Raymond

[helenrw200]

Thankyou Raymond

It's nice to come across a man who doesn't think looking at porn is just what men do.

I too had a pretty horrendous start in life, and I could have ended up a whole lot different, I chose not to . I wasn't going to let the people who abused me win and I've worked hard to make sure my kids have had a better start than I did, and to be the wife and mum that my mother wasn't.

I won't compromise on the porn issue , he has to make his choice, I don't want a relationship that involves a whole host of other people detracting from it. I love him, and I've stayed with him but my patience isn't endless and it is starting to wear thin.

Thanks for your support.

Take care.

Helen

[Raymond]

Thankyou Raymond

It's nice to come across a man who doesn't think looking at porn is just what men do.

Helen

Oh dear I just lost all my reply so now I'll start again.

I don't know any men in my circles who watch porn. If they do they do it secretly and would never justify it openly. It's a thing done in the corner away from relatives and one's wife. That speaks for itself.

You seem to be motivated to live right Helen. I commend you. Yes I was abused as well. A homesexual carer used to wake me at night and take me to his room. Camera, spotlights as well. Fortunately I don't seem to have been too badly affected, although I was affected by something that happened when I was four.

I hope your husband sees the reality of what he is playing with. One has only got to go through the forums to see the damage porn is doing to marriages. Some people won't admit it is wrong preferring to believe the fantasy of the screen which bears no relation to reality.

Raymond

[helenrw200]

Sadly Raymond I think my partner is more concerned with his " rights as a man " than he is with any idea of respect or indeed morality , so I can't see that he is ever really going to change. I have told him that if he chooses to do it then he should at least be man enough to admit it and not be secretive and therefore be deceitful , however I can't help feeling that the secrecy of it is what makes it pleasurable for him....

Helen

[Raymond]

I can't see that he is ever really going to change.
Helen

That's an awful statement to have to make Helen. One has to have hope. All I can say is that nothing is impossible with God. Man's extremity is God's opportunity.

I know you are not religious, but I'm not talking about religion I am talking about a person.

Raymond (From the other side of the tracks)

[Rosesrred]

Hi Helen....

just read your reply to me,

I think from your own experience you are 100% justified to ask him to stop. My opinion was just that of a regular woman(i think :rolleyes: )

when i read your reply i could 100% agree with you and i think your husband needs to think about what he wants more, a marriage or a dirty dvd.....

[helenrw200]

Hi Rosesrred

The whole porn thing is a sore point with me ( could you tell :p ) so I'm sorry if my reply sounded sharp. It isn't just because of what I went through, but also what I saw other young girls going through at the time, and now I look at porn and see what goes on behind it.

It just sickens me...

Helen

[marriedbrunette30]

I just thought I'd post my own exprience with this subject here.

I dont think ALL men NEED porn. I think men who are "addicted" to it need it.
For instance,I have ALOT of male friends,always have~guess I'm like one of the guys.
My single guy friends always resorted to porn when no women were around.Yet,as soon as they found a woman,quickly didnt need it anymore.
There are some men though who get used to giving themselves pleasure by viewing it.Then they cant stop. This is NOT NORMAL behavior.
My husband has never been into any kind of porn. We have watched it before together but usually it was my idea just to spice it up.He doesnt own any magazines and he is never on the computer.
He tells me all the time how the guys at work are obsessed with it though.

I think the first person was right that it is because they are visual.Men think about sex supposedly every 5 minutes a day. Some use porn to compensate those times when their wives and girlfriends arent around.others have a more serious problem that leads them to have sexual misfunction and anti-intimate behavior.
If you find yourself with the latter,stay on top of it~because it is an addiction!

[marriedbrunette30]

"We think that there's an added cultural element involved. How one was raised. How families view women, whether they are respected, whether it's okay to watch them undress and leer. And so on..."

This is a very true statement. my husband who doesnt watch porn,was raised by his GRANDMOTHER and taught to have the highest respect for women.
My sister's ex husband on the other hand takes their 6 year old to HOOTERS and bike rallys where women are dressed like sl*ts and teaches him it is ok to view women like this.(dont get me started) The son is already exhibiting behavior of disrespect towards women,as learned by his father.

[jaq1729]

Porn Is Ok In A Relationship I Think If It Is A Good One. I Think Porn Could Be Dangerous If The Relationship Is A Bad One Or There Is Lack Of Sex. Woman Can Feel Pretty Degraded By The Thought Of Their Man Looking At It Cause In A Way That Is Cheating, Either Way Porn Is Not Real, It Is Full Of Woman And Men Doing Things That Most Couples Wouldnt Even Think About, Its Not Really It Is Just Pure Filthy And I Mean The Hard Core Stuff Not The Soft Porn Or Even Erotic Stuff Because Thats Ok. I Wonder If The Roles Were Reversed Wether The Man Would Be Thrilled At There Partner Looking At Naked Men Etc.......because Lets Face It I Think It Would Give Most Men A Complex.

[Raymond]

Porn Is Ok In A Relationship I Think If It Is A Good One.

Can't agree with that. I have a good relationship with my wife. If I introduced porn there would be big problems in the relationship and I would be risking everything that I have worked at all these years. Trust, Love, faithfullness, respect, security etc. etc. etc.

Raymond

[distorted trust]

I commend you Raymond...I wish my husband would look at me with such loving eyes a true heart and respect that you have for your spouse. I wish he could walk away from the porn as it is also a problem in our relationship with lying, hiding it, being decietful, etc. He doesn't care that it makes me feel totally disgusted and not turned on by him anymore because all I can do now is picture him enjoying other woman.

[Raymond]

Thank Julia. Your post underlines again that porn works against intimacy in marriage, a fantasy that offers intimacy and deals out the opposite. I hope your husband will see that eventually and how it can gradually weaken the relationship between you. People think they can play with it and eventually it bites with many becoming addicts where they have to do it even while being disgusted with themselves.

Praying for you
Raymond

[distorted trust]

Thanks for the prayers Raymond I need them. He started with the porn before we got married when I found it he too hid it, lied about it, erased history from the computer etc. I told him how I felt and he promised he would never do it again. This same scenario has been regurgitated in my relationship with him over 5 times now...always promising, etc. We just got married on Valentines Day and I just found out he was doing it again!! I confronted him and he always trys to belittle the situation and say that I am the one with the problem because it bothers me, all men do it, it's normal...yadi yadi. We just almost got divorced last week because he broke his promise to me that if he felt the need he would tell me first, so we could talk about it (which he didn't) and when I found it he was MAD at me for finding out about it, saying
'what about my privacy" because it was in his UTUBE (a video website) mail account. I am at a loss now and I feel so degraded to the point of just not even wanting him to touch me because of the thoughts that run through my head when he does...is he fantasizing about one of them, etc. I don't deserve that ever! He begged and pleaded for me not to end the marriage because he said it was stupid to leave him for that reason. I stayed. Now I don't know how to deal with the ongoing issue, I feel like it won't ever change, he will continue to lie, hide it, defend his actions, etc. I can feel a strong resentment creeping up on me and our marriage in shambles.

[Raymond]

It is a mental adultery that happens in his heart. There is nothing wrong in the way you feel Julia. One sees it more and more on this site. Sex is about relationship and intimacy. Looking at pornography is like inviting more women into the sexual side of your marriage, the most intimate part. No wonder you feel as you do.

As a Christian I can't help thinking of Jesus words where he says that whoever looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. You can only commit adultery if you are married. I think that applies to pornography.

It appears from what you say that he knows it is wrong, but then again he gets angry and then takes a different tact blaming you, which is totally unfair as he is the one doing it. One can only hope he comes down on the correct side and understands what he is doing.

Bless you Julia am thinking of you and trust you find the correct path in all this. I think you have grounds for divorce if you needed it, but you are going to have to work out whether things can be saved.

Raymond

[Alanis]

Helen, I feel the same as you, I have been searching for answers and I think your paragraph above is right on the money, in my opinion. Why be secretive to the state of deception? and I can't help feeling that the secrecy of it is what makes it pleasurable for him either . I feel betrayed (when he lies about it) because if he was honest with me, why does he need to be secret, (getting back to that pleasurable thing) Why do they say that "all the blokes at work do it" and their wives are ok with it? Is that to make us feel even worse like we are not normal or something? I don't mind watching one now and again with him but what sort of marriage is it when it is highly deceptive in this area. It makes me wonder about what else is there that is kept from me. I am pretty sure he does not sleep around but why is the focus so high on creating strain in our marriage. ie did he do this when I was in hospital, did he do this when I went away, or when he works away?

I really feel cheated. I feel that my self worth has been devalued by him and even though we have always had a good sex life It has been going on for so long now that I feel like it is like infidelity. I mean, each time he makes love to me is it just because of the porn! Half the women he looks at are younger than his own daughter. Am I missing something? Maybe I should look at men porn secretly once a week and have my cake and eat it too? What are our rights as a woman, Helen? Are we too stupid to be disloyal or something.

I know if I lied about something in my marriage I'd feel guilty and sick in the stomach that I'd reveal the truth and with respect don't do it again. If they are looking at it they shouldn't lie about it. It makes me feel like I don't know the real him. Is he really a dirty old pervert. The god given right thing. Honesty and Trust is really important to me in a relationship, I am in tears as I write this because I feel that I don't deserve the lies and I even got told where to go when I got upset about it with him. The damage for me has really go to the stage where I have had enough and am just about to walk out the door. I cannot spend the rest of my life with a liar. It makes me just want to run and escape to another place far away from all this.

Sorry to rant and rave about this but it is a strong issue in my marriage, and I am not an old stick in the mud, I do like sex heaps, and I don't feel he goes without, if anything I'm the one going without. It's just that while I am not highly religious, I do have my christian beliefs in some things and the vows I made to him when I married him I believe should last for the length of our marriage. Because they say that it's their god given right and "every other bloke at work does it" is that to make us feel that all men are **** and liars and that we are not normal and that any bloke we would end up with next time would be the same? I don't think so.... Why do they run and hide and avoid the conversation. Is that guilt. I would be happier with at least compromise or even a discussion without being shut out. It's nice to share a similar opinion and to know that I am not the only person in the world with this on my mind.

I mustn't be good enough for him hey?

Deb

[Raymond]

I feel for you Alanis. Your story seems to be repeated over and over on this site, perhaps in the whole of the western world. Being intimate with your husband is a precious and God given thing. Pornography is a betrayal of that, as I said before, a kind of mental adultery. The fire of sex is powerful that's why the scripture shows it should be contained within a commitment. One doesn't light a fire in the middle of the floor but in the hearth (marriage). It is not killjoy but joy promoting. I believe the best sex happens where there is faithfulness and commitment. It's there the woman can relax and be awakened physically without fear of betrayal knowing her partner honours her and loves her above all. Pornography is like the thief promising fulfillment and leaving a desert of destruction.

Us men know it's wrong deep down, but some allow themselves to be tempted and harm themselves and their spouses sometimes irreparably. You may think a little will not harm, but it can become a habit then an addiction. Those who think it's just a little bit of fun play with fire.

Sorry for the sermon, but there are things that need to be said in the days we live in. The breakdown of family is reaching epidemic proportions. Women seem to be the ones paying the cost through no fault of their own.

I hope your husband sees the error of his ways and what it is doing to you Alanis.

Raymond

[Helen_uk]

Hi Alanis

If anything, this site ( and Raymond in particular ) has shown me that not all men do it so that's a load of crap.

It IS cheating, whether they admit it or not.It IS degrading if the woman in their life doesn't want them to do it. This apart if you have a problem with something, if something your h is doing makes you feel so unwanted and unloved then they SHOULD stop. Period.

I have a problem both with the porn and the lies, sorry, I do not want my partner lusting after other women. It makes me feel unattractive ,it lowers my self esteem.He doesn't get that, he may never get that.The deception makes me not trust him in any respect , if he can lie about this issue, what else is he lying about ? He doesn't get that either.

What annoys me more than anything, is that my partner KNEW I felt this way about porn,and why. I have never made a secret of it and so to avoid getting involved with someone who enjoys porn I have always been totally honest about my feelings about it, and the reasons behind it, right from day one with any man I am going to have a relationship with, so it isn't as if he can say he didn't know.Why get involved with me ? Did he think he could give it up ? Did he think he could change my mind ? Did he think he could just watch it on the quiet and what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me ? What ? He can't answer that.

If your partner is doing something that hurts you then they need to stop , if they can't then they have a problem. To me it is fairly simple.

My partner also looks at vids of women who are barely out of their teens , he looks at the type of porn that is hardcore , he has paid " models " on the net to perform for him on webcam sites. When confronted he was angry because I had checked up on him ! Anger is the emotion he hides behind so that he doesn't have to feel guilt. I've told him he needs to be accountable for his actions and stop shifting the blame , he is incapable of doing that.

I am not a Christian, I have no religious beliefs, but I do have morals and a sense of what's right and wrong.I have no problem if in a relationship a person looks at porn, providing both parties are in agreement.I have many female friends who enjoy porn and I have never and would never moralise at them, that's their choice.It is why I have always been clear on the subject as so many women don't have a problem with it, then if the man enjoys it, go find one of those women ! Is that so difficult ?

I'm sorry you are feeling so low , it does make you question the honesty of the whole marriage, but unfortunately he won't stop unless he wants too as he sees no reason why he should . Maybe the next time he tells you his mate's wives have no problem with it you could reply as I do " I'm not married to your mates and I do."

I hate to say this , but he most probably does view porn if you are in hospital or away, they seem to use it more when they are stressed , I suppose it gives a sort of relief ( hmm I play solitaire or read a good book when I'm stressed ! ) my partner would look at it even while I was in another room, closing down the page if I walked in , to begin with. He sees it as a bit of fun , I fail to see what's fun about doing something that has wreaked so much havoc on our relationship and therefore I can only conclude that he has a real problem with stopping , we have split up twice over it and he has been devastated each time and begged me to come back, promising no more porn ever. Both times he has viewed it again, this suggests to me he has an addiction, he is prepared to risk everything for half an hour's " fun ". It would be laughable if it wasn't so sad ......

Take care.

Helen x

[Raymond]

Hi Alanis

If anything, this site ( and Raymond in particular ) has shown me that not all men do it so that's a load of crap.


You are right there Helen. I can raise about 200 married men whom I know in this area alone who would heartily agree with you. I have two boys 21 and 17 yrs who have their own computers in their rooms. I've never seen a sign of any porn. I did go through their computers a few times when they were younger to make sure they were clean. I can walk into their rooms anytime they're on line thank God.

So yes, saying all men do it is a cop out and an insult to those of us who excercise retraint. "Everyone does it" is an excuse for all sorts of evil in this world. It might seem that way if you mix in the wrong circles.

Your partner seems pretty far gone from what you have described above. I didn't realise how far until now.

Raymond

[Helen_uk]

Raymond

I think the word " need " often gets mixed up with the word " want " . And as we all know wants and needs are very different.

In the last couple of months ( according to my key logger ) my partner hasn't looked at any porn, having said that he hasn't had the opportunity as he hasn't been alone in the house , he's been working long shifts and sleeping and that's all he's had time for.I'm away for a week in August so we shall see what happens then. Stupid thing is he KNOWS I have the key logger so he either doesn't care or the urge is so strong he can't resist it.

His mobile still causes me some concern as he switches it off when he's at home, or leaves it on silent, or worse still carries it around everywhere with him. His explanation is that he doesn't want his boss disturbing him at home and that he carries it around because " that's what I've always done " It's true that he used to, until the txt affair came to light, after that he used to ensure it was NOT on silent and left where I could see it to reassure me there was nothing untoward going on. Since he started his new job full time it has returned to silent mode. It sounds plausible, I know his boss is a pain, and we have a joint mobile phone bill so......why don't I believe him ?

My 2 sons are at an age where the opposite sex is of great interest to them , they might look at soft porn , i.e pictures of scantily dressed women, they are both single men, but I hope I have taught them enough respect for women not to look at the more degrading, hardcore stuff.I've used both their computers at times when mine has been broken, but nothing suggets they are looking at anything you have to pay for !

I was so pleased Raymond to hear your side of things as I was starting to think all men were the same, it's so reassuring to know some of you still have some morals , and respect for their wives. Thankyou.

helen

[Raymond]

Raymond

I think the word " need " often gets mixed up with the word " want " . And as we all know wants and needs are very different.

You are absolutely right there Helen. A good insight. There is a difference. We don't need everything we think we need and sometimes we need things we didn't think we need. We can enjoy things even beyond what we actually need, but there should be a question mark if it's harming ourselves or others.

In the last couple of months ( according to my key logger ) my partner hasn't looked at any porn.

Maybe some hope?

I know his boss is a pain, and we have a joint mobile phone bill so......why don't I believe him ?

Because of bad memories of being hurt and having your trust broken. You need his assurance now because of what's happened. Trust takes a long time to build up again even if we want to trust again. It can be broken in one go but it takes a long time to build up. You are afraid to risk it and be hurt again. You need something more concrete over time. If he has decided to change he needs to tell you so that you understand what is going on.

I was so pleased Raymond to hear your side of things as I was starting to think all men were the same, it's so reassuring to know some of you still have some morals , and respect for their wives. Thankyou.

Shucks!

Raymond


************************************************** *******

[Helen_uk]

:) :) :) :) :) :)

[Alanis]

Hi Alanis

If anything, this site ( and Raymond in particular ) has shown me that not all men do it so that's a load of crap.

It IS cheating, whether they admit it or not.It IS degrading if the woman in their life doesn't want them to do it. This apart if you have a problem with something, if something your h is doing makes you feel so unwanted and unloved then they SHOULD stop. Period.

I have a problem both with the porn and the lies, sorry, I do not want my partner lusting after other women. It makes me feel unattractive ,it lowers my self esteem.He doesn't get that, he may never get that.The deception makes me not trust him in any respect , if he can lie about this issue, what else is he lying about ? He doesn't get that either.

What annoys me more than anything, is that my partner KNEW I felt this way about porn,and why. I have never made a secret of it and so to avoid getting involved with someone who enjoys porn I have always been totally honest about my feelings about it, and the reasons behind it, right from day one with any man I am going to have a relationship with, so it isn't as if he can say he didn't know.Why get involved with me ? Did he think he could give it up ? Did he think he could change my mind ? Did he think he could just watch it on the quiet and what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me ? What ? He can't answer that.

If your partner is doing something that hurts you then they need to stop , if they can't then they have a problem. To me it is fairly simple.

My partner also looks at vids of women who are barely out of their teens , he looks at the type of porn that is hardcore , he has paid " models " on the net to perform for him on webcam sites. When confronted he was angry because I had checked up on him ! Anger is the emotion he hides behind so that he doesn't have to feel guilt. I've told him he needs to be accountable for his actions and stop shifting the blame , he is incapable of doing that.

I am not a Christian, I have no religious beliefs, but I do have morals and a sense of what's right and wrong.I have no problem if in a relationship a person looks at porn, providing both parties are in agreement.I have many female friends who enjoy porn and I have never and would never moralise at them, that's their choice.It is why I have always been clear on the subject as so many women don't have a problem with it, then if the man enjoys it, go find one of those women ! Is that so difficult ?

I'm sorry you are feeling so low , it does make you question the honesty of the whole marriage, but unfortunately he won't stop unless he wants too as he sees no reason why he should . Maybe the next time he tells you his mate's wives have no problem with it you could reply as I do " I'm not married to your mates and I do."

I hate to say this , but he most probably does view porn if you are in hospital or away, they seem to use it more when they are stressed , I suppose it gives a sort of relief ( hmm I play solitaire or read a good book when I'm stressed ! ) my partner would look at it even while I was in another room, closing down the page if I walked in , to begin with. He sees it as a bit of fun , I fail to see what's fun about doing something that has wreaked so much havoc on our relationship and therefore I can only conclude that he has a real problem with stopping , we have split up twice over it and he has been devastated each time and begged me to come back, promising no more porn ever. Both times he has viewed it again, this suggests to me he has an addiction, he is prepared to risk everything for half an hour's " fun ". It would be laughable if it wasn't so sad ......

Take care.

Helen x
Hi Helen

I've had that where the computer clicks windows shut real quick when I walk into the room!

We had a talk and I am still not fully convinced. We have 3 children to look after also, and this distress flows onto the family also as they sense unhappiness and stress.

The strain of the whole issue and lies is crippling me. I'ts very confusing when the one you are supposed to be united with leaves you feeling insecure and worthless like you're living as two strangers in the one household!...

The damage is almost irrepairable

Bye

[distorted trust]

Alanis and Helen,
I felt for the longest time that I was in the wrong because I felt so strongly against porn, I even tried to watch it with him once but it just made me feel so dirty and disgusted that he was oogling over other women in my presense as if it were nothing! I too hear over and over again from him that it is "normal" behavior for men to look at porn, they are not real, etc. I have made it clear from the beginning how porn made me feel and he has continually distrespected me. Every time he got caught he would promise never to do it again. He even promised me before we got married (February 14th, 2007) that if he had the urge he would talk to me first and we would deal with it together. Well, he didn't and he got busted exactly one month after we took our vows. I told him that I wanted a divorce because I didn't deserve to be treated like this. He was floored and said "I can't believe you are going to end the marriage over this." After going back and forth a few days I told him I am giving him ONE MORE CHANCE. If he lies, decieves or looks at porn again he is gone. No if's and's or but's (no pun intended)!!! I am going to stand by my word because addiction or not, that does not give him the right to continually lie, emotionally hurt me and yes, in my mind, cheat on me.
I don't trust him and he gets angry with me over that, he thinks I should immediately put it behind me and move on. We went to counseling and the counselor said I shouldn't bring up what he did in the past. I wouldn't if he didn't keep dragging it into the present time. So now everytime he does it again, yes, I bring it up because it is an ongoing problem. He tries to throw it in my face what the counselor said.
I hope you both find an answer to your issues with your H's and as Raymond says it is not us...just remember that.

Jules

[nessievan]

Hi

I was regsitered on this site over two years ago and was trying to remember my login details to extract the piece I wrote about at the time regarding porn and the damage it had done to my relationship, so that I could post again and try and help by lending you my story.. I can't find it so briefly.. I will outline my story.

My husband is a very kind and gentle man, however I would say that he is slightly naive and not very expert in the bedroom department. lights off etc and it would always be down to me to spice things up, this actually made things slightly stale as at the time I had just had my 4th baby and actually couldn't be bothered too much with sex.. anyhow on numerous occassions within our 8 year marriage I would find Porn hidden away in cupboards, the shed, the car boot and even a toy box !! each time it would crucify me and took a piece of my respect away for him.. he promised each time that it would be the last etc,, but it wasn't , I found it all over the place in the form of Internet, DVD's, mobile phone etc.. One time after Christmas 2004 I came downstairs unexpectedly to find him climaxing over a DVD he was watching.. I felt like he had been unfaithful and this was the last straw, I wanted him to leave to give me some space, but he managed to stay.. and it was difficult with 4 kids.. anyhow at the end of Jan05 he turned 40 and I arranged a surprise party for him, we were I thought getting on better.. however later in the year I discovered he had been texting a girl at his work and to this day do not know if anything happend, he denies anything did, but it was going on for a good 10 weeks so i have my doubts, the shocking thing of all however was that i also discovered he had, two weeks after his 40th party ,visited a prostiitute.. !!! he first said nothing happend as he was too scared but later admitted to having a hand job !!! ( he told me in detail what happend.. which didn't help).. I had noticed that his foreplay tatics with me had changed considerably and he was doing things slightly different, more experienced, which also set me off wondering how many times and how many other he may have been with.

I am not sure really how we managed to survive, probaly the little uns were the main reason for me staying and I must admit as revenge I did also get into a brief affair with a work colleague..and experienced great sex !! Anyhow 2 years on.. and uhmm are things better, ?? they appear to be , our sex life still isn't great I hate the way he can only climax at the end buy doing it himself... I haven't found anymore porn.. ( but is that because it is well hidden) as you can see the trust isn't there, I really don't have the respect and feel angry with this almost cowardly man that I want to look up to but feel has let me down through the marriage due to his addiction first for the porn and then to follow it up with a more sinister act, I also still don't know If I really know this man either, he is hard to have a conversation with and it still annoys me to think he can't make an effort to make a first move on me.. yet as like last night i was woken to the rocking sound of him masturbating himself while I was laying next to him asleep..
I think my main reason for writing was to outline my story and the damage porn can do not just short term but over a much longer time period too..

Good luck to you ... Vanessa

[YOLI]

Can't agree with that. I have a good relationship with my wife. If I introduced porn there would be big problems in the relationship and I would be risking everything that I have worked at all these years. Trust, Love, faithfullness, respect, security etc. etc. etc.

Raymond

I WISHED ALL MEN THOUGHT THIS WAY. iT WOULD SAVE MANY RELATIONSHIPS FROM BREAKING UP DUE TO SOME MEN USING THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS TO RELIEVE THE URGE THAT WAS BUILT BY SOMEONE OTHER.


Unfortunatelly, there are many men that just don't get it. They find it ok to see other naked women and sometimes even relieving themselves with thoughts of someone other than their girlfriend and/or wife. Yet, they say that this is NOT being unfaithful.

"CHEERS" for you, and many years of happiness for your relationship Raymond.

[yoli]

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[Raymond]

I hope it works out for you Yoli and you find someone that is faithful to you including sexually (no porn). It's one thing to be tempted and resist, another to get into it without any thought of what you are doing to yourself and your loved ones.

Raymond

[Jilly]

Hi there, I too get really confused with my husband of 8 yrs. He can get erections watching TV scene (Desperate Houswives) but not with me!!!!!! He will then try and hide this by going outside for a smoke?? It has just pushed me to the point where I ask what am I doing with him? I am not talking about porn just general TV. Do I just think it is about me or do I put up with a loveless/sexless marriage.

Jilly

[Raymond]

Hi Jilly nearly missed you there. This thread was dead for a while.

It seems as if your husband has allowed himself to lust after other women. Probably only a visual thing but that is enough to affect your sex life. I have thought this thing through and if you have read this thread (and others) you will see that I describe this as mental adultery which can seriously damage the intimacy between a couple. It could be that he is stirring himself up with some kind of porn perhaps, which has the opposite effect from what one would think it would have (kills sex in marriage). His mind will be filled with these images robbing him and you of the intimacy you should be having in marriage.

Marriage should be a holy thing and functions best when it is. In other words sex belongs just between the married couple, Anything outside has a tendency to defile and kill the intimacy.

How long do you think this has been going on?

Raymond

[Jilly]

Thanks Raymond for your reply. I think this sort of thing has been happening for a while I know it has been evidentual for at least the last 6 months. But I think it has been there for a long time. Maybe even from the start. Unfortunately, it does seem to have a snow ball effect. It stirs up self doubt, body image and all those things that destroy the core of a person. I know that after three children my body has seen better days. One of those children has a chronic illness so when people say you should make time for yourself and look after yourself it just does not happen!
My husband has always said that he really can survive without the intimacy?? I really don't understand that. I thought and in the past believed it was hand in hand with marriage. I notice he will look at other women which makes me uncomfortable. I then try and justify everything to my self by saying I'm distorting what is happening, or I am over reacting, or he can look but I am the one he goes home with. To me it seems just silly that all these feelings are coming from this. I really don't know what to say?? We have never spoken about this!
Jilly

[Raymond]

Jilly you are experiencing the classic syptoms of this type of thing. It is not your fault, so please do not take any guilt on. I know it could affect your self esteem but you musn't let it. Although this type of thing may have been going on for centuries, in our age it has become a flood and is destroying many marriages and having it's affect on our civilisation as well.

One good clue was that he was embarrassed about being aroused from the television. At least there is a little bit of conscience there. Another possible symptom is that he could be MB on his own to images. The spirit behind MB does not want IC so this would destroy physical intimacy as well.

You are right when you say that intimacy should go hand in hand with marriage. The thing is it should be only reserved for marriage, but some men today are practically having sex with images and thoroughly perverting the natural desire.

I think that with all the temptation around a man has to make a decision to resist this stuff for the sake of his wife and the sake of his marriage. If he won't fight he will lose that which should be precious to him.

I've had my own battles with this stuff and still have to resist at times. Any time I feel that kind of desire I turn it to my wife in my mind. She is the one I can legitimately share this kind of intimacy with.

Really Jilly I think it is a case of building up knowledge of these things so that you know what is going on and understand it and then hopefully you can reach you husband in this area.

A good book I know is Sex - God's Truth by Jill Southern. Although it is from the christian view it is hard hitting and does expose what is going on in these days.

Raymond

[Jilly]

Hi all
Thanks again Raymond for your insightful comments. You seem a very calm and switched on person. I can fully understand your comments.
I confronted my husband today about the whole issue at hand (so to speak) I still have sense of humour. Anyway I thought it was better now than continue down the track I was on. I did read some of the threads on this issue so I thought was an ideal time.
My husband identified the battles that are around. He has reassured me of his faithfulness and his understanding of how I find this upsetting. He also in a miss guided fashion knew it would upset me so he tried to hide things. He assured me if it does happen again he will say something and we can talk it through.
I don't know if you have ever heard of this occurance, but when he is really tired without physical or mental stimulation he gets an erection (at this point he is not sexually arroused, it just happens). I don't understand this, but is it a physical thing that can just happen to men? I came from an all girls family then went to an all girls school and seem to have little understanding of issues concerning men.
Jilly

[Raymond]

When men are young they often wake up with one. I still do quite often.

Other times you can get it when you are thinking wrong thoughts about something you have seen or even your own fantasies. I've never heard of someone getting it when they are tired and not thinking about sex though and I grew up around more men than most.

I think you have to try and believe the best Jilly. It is good that you have spoken about it and that he listened. He needs to make the effort to keep off it and every other avenue that presents itself. The less he feeds it the more he will be directed to you. It's part of the working on one's marriage.

If I get a wrong thought, which can come all of a sudden from a programme or something I purposely resist it and turn my mind to my wife thinking of what we have done in the bedroom together and what we could be doing next time. It works very well. I know it's keeping me pure and at the same time enriching that part of my marriage tremendously. It's not about cutting sex out it's about channeling it in the right direction.

One is more vulnerable in long periods by oneself when you are not particularly taken up with anything else. In affect when you are idle. These are the times I have to keep my shield up.

Sounds like a battle doesn't it, but that's because it is.

Raymond

[Jilly]

It certainly does sound like a battle. I suppose some females also have this battle also. I know my life is full to the brim with the day to day life demands so I really don't have this iddle time so to speak.
I feel very confident in that the lines of communication are open and I now believe we do not have issues that you don't speak about. It is truely refreshing to have that openness and truthfulness in my house. I do not believe that by any means I will agree with everything and like the reaction to somethings but at least the lines of communication are open. I do feel great!! I think communication is the answer. I should give my husband more credit, he is always willing to listen and talk things through, I am just the one who needs to initiate the whole thing. But, I think that is OK we all have our own roles in any partnership.
Back to the subject of erections when not being sexually aroused I am looking into it not as suspicious but I just want to know. I do have three sons so I am had a very hoping that I can help them along the way, as my husband had a very reserved family where things would not be spoken about.
Jilly

[Raymond]

You were up early Jilly unless you are in the States.

You are right about communication. If you both keep the lines open then even if there are problems they can be overcome together. Most of the porn and MB problems happen in a corner in the dark so to speak. Then the wife stumbles upon it and then there are much bigger problems as strongholds can build up in the sexual area.

With regard to boys I think it better not to let them be sexually awakened too early. This can be avoided by watching the right things and keeping reasonable company. These things are forced on the young too early these days and they cannot handle it.

I have taught mine that sex is for marriage and doing it out of marriage is wrong. They are 21 and 18 now and have kept to that. I've taught them about pornography. It is not difficult as they instinctively know these things are wrong. Setting an example is powerful. The older has just got his first girlfriend so it will be interesting to see how that proceeds.

The thing is not to make it sound dirty. It is God given but needs channeling in the right direction.

Raymond

[Jilly]

Hi Raymond, I'm a downunder girl, so time is a little out. It has been great to have someone to bounce ideas and thoughts off of these last few days. So thankyou once more for your replies.

My boys are still young (8 and under), so I have had not too many curly questions yet. But I have overheard them say the word sex and use it in the wrong context. So I ask them what they meant by having sex, there reply was to kiss. When as responsible parents should we start educating them about this. Or did I miss my cue.

I did not think I needed to go into details of a mans penis and a womans vagina just yet. I just said there was a lot of love involved. They seemed happy with that knowledge for the time being. When would you say you started to discuss these issues with your children

Jilly

[Raymond]

I think you are doing the right thing Jilly just anwering the questions as and when they come up. One can err the other way and dump them with a lot of knowledge they are not ready for. This would come accross too stark I think. In Britain the schools are doing this. It is much better left to the parents if they can do it just as and when.

One shouldn't make a big thing out of it which it won't be if you are doing it as you are doing it. The main thing for me has been to get the moral side over. Anyone can learn the mechanics of it. You have time on your side. They have a loving home and this will serve them well.

We have always seen this as my job to do being a man, but if they are asking you the questions they are asking now I'm sure that's alright.

Raymond

My wife has just intercepted. Her thought is it should be like drip feeding. As and when like you are doing.

[Julia]

Hi Raymond,
I have never used a message board before so hope I can do this! I was interested in what you have to say, in particular because you are clearly follow Christian teachings, and as a Chrsitian, I am very confused. My husband is not a Christian but tolerant of my faith. Weve been together 15 years and have 3 children, 2 of whom are special needs so we dont get much time as a couple.
However, Ive always been open minded, and even tolerated use of porn for amany years. Recently however, he wouldnt come to bed, but stayed up watching porn and then I didnt feel like making love because of his preference for porn over me. So, it became a viscous cycle and he turned to porn more and more.
In the past he has also been extremely abusive too and it has taken many years for me to forgive, and hes no longer abusive.
I guess what Im saying, is that, I havent been a wonderful wife either, by refusing sex ro by being unable to forgive for some while ( though it was very very hard what I went through - I did try - got counselling, anti-depressants etc).
Today, I discovered that he has seen a prostiture. I discovered because I now have an STD from him and he admitted it, so it was the final straw and I told him to leave.
The thing is...I feel so guilty for refusing sex. But then again I did say I would make love if he gave up the porn - and he kept sneaking it away). As a Christian, is it my fault? He has been so abusive...and I have put up with so much...but am I being unforgiving? Sorry to go on...Im rambling...but Im confused. I know people thing Im naive and soft...Im not...but I do want to do the right thing by my beliefs.
Julia

[Raymond]

Hi Julia sorry you are going through this. About the forgiveness don't worry about it. It sometimes takes time to get to that place. When you are willing to forgive, depending what it is, it can take time to work through it. It's not always like being a vending machine. You have done well in doing it. That will keep you free and help you more than him.

Pornography is a powerful thing Julia. It is a kind of mental adultery which has the effect of destroying the intimacy between you. That's why you feel as you do. It can become addictive and pervert the natural sex drive away from one's spouse. You will know what inspires that as a christian.

Jesus said if you look at a woman to lust after her you have committed adultery in your heart. I think pornography goes way past that. If you were refusing sex because of the pornography I can understand that, but if your refusal of sex led to the pornography that's another matter. I don't know the whole story. But even if that were true you have to start from where you are.

You did say you would make love to him if he gave up the porn so he knew it was up to him. If he was having sex with you and the porn, then that amounts to abuse I think. He would need to make some kind of commitment about it, even if he fell from it a few times, but to deliberately do it and have sex with you is not on I would think.

However, you say he has now been with a prostitute and given you STD. which is going one step further.

I think you have made mistakes in the past by not confronting him when the porn started. By letting it go on a stronghold has been built up in him. However that's also in the past. Maybe you did not know enough about it in then.

No doubt you have a lot on your plate Julia. I would counsel that you get right with god about anything that was your responsibility including confessing it to your husband and then start afresh. However, do not let a false guilt come in which will lead to low self esteem and a continual niggling. Many wives seem to take on guilt about porn when it's not even their fault.You know that you have forgiveness as soon as you deal with it through Him (the son).

Can you get counsel from you church? I think you need strong christians around to help you Julia. Your case is not straightforward because as you say you might have encouraged his lifestyle and then again you might not have.

Raymond

[lhh]

Hi. I just wrote this huge thing and I automatically got logged out and lost it all. I'll try again.

My husband and I got married in the fall of 2006. We wrote our own vows and promised to be open and honest with each other. We had talked about porn and he said he didn't need it and voluntarily stopped using it when we moved in together a few months before our marriage. If I ever had any concerns he'd look me in the eyes and assure me that he's never lied to me and he's not hiding anything.

We moved about 6 weeks ago. While packing I came across a picture of him and another woman taken in the place we took our first weekend trip together. At the time of our trip, he made a big deal about how he'd only been there with his family and how he'd never been there with a girlfriend. So I was upset that he had lied to me. And completely unnecessarily, too. I wouldn't have thought anything bad about him taking a previous girlfriend in the past. I kind of grilled him and kept asking him "Is there anything else you've lied about?" And finally he told me he's been looking at porn on the internet and masturbating the whole time we've lived together. As often as every couple of days, but lately not as much because he says it hasn't been as pleasurable for him. Maybe every couple of weeks. He says he used it as a visual aide, and that it didn't mean anything to him. That it didn't have anything to do with me or us. That he's still in love with me and thinks I'm sexy and is happy with our sex life. It's just something he's been doing for years and years. When he was depressed, (before we even met), he said he did it daily because it was the only thing that made him feel good. He'd do it in the morning after I left for work (I have to leave a couple of hours before him). He also used my fashion magazines and catalogs. He says he's not into the kinky stuff, and that he doesn't pay for it or have cyber sex chats or anything like that. He says he was more likely to do it if we had fought or if I was having my period. But he'd still do it when everything was well. And he says he's stopped since then and hasn't used it.

He said we can take pictures of ourselves together so if he feels the need to masturbate he can look at us instead of porn. But we haven't done that and he doesn't seem interested in doing that anymore.

He used to install a different browser and then delete it. Unfortunately he only admitted this after I asked him why firefox was back on the computer and if that's what he used it for. He said he used to use it for that, but even though firefox is back, he hasn't used it for porn. After that fight he took firefox back off and emptied the cache or something so I don't know.

I don't know what to believe anymore. He's more computer savvy than me, and is probably pretty good at hiding that stuff. I'm sure he'd slip up eventually, but I don't want to live like this. I'm very unhappy. I have headaches most of the time, I'm anxious and depressed, my stomach feels like a pit, my heart starts pounding for no reason. I try to keep tabs on internet usage, and I've even scrutinized the cell phone bill a couple of times. I worry about what else he might be hiding or lying about. I went from feeling like he's my best friend and we're a team and we watch each other's back, to constanly looking over my shoulder, being suspicious, and worrying if he's betraying me again. It's awful.

For a couple of days after I found out I spent some time looking at porn. I thought maybe it would help me understand and that maybe I'd even like it and we could do it together and it could all be out in the open so he wouldn't feel like he needed to lie about it and hide it. But I didn't like it at all. I didn't arouse me. It made me feel bad. Now I have all these porn images in my head and they don't make me feel sexy at all. Before this I felt pretty sexy a good part of the time. Lately I've had a harder time getting aroused, partly because I have these porn images in my head. And I feel betrayed. And I know I shouldn't, but I keep comparing myself to the 18-22 year olds on the porn I saw. I can't compete with that. I take care of myself and men find me attractive, but I certainly don't look like a taut 18 year old.

I don't know what to do. I've thought about asking him about going to counseling with me, and maybe installing a filter on the computer, or at least something that emails me the web history. I don't know if that's a good idea or not. I don't think it would solve the underlying problem, but it might make me worry less about whether he was using the internet for porn or not. He'd certainly have to work a little harder to view it and hide it.

I know I'm not the most pleasant person to be around. I'm depressed and anxious and hurt. Everything will be fine for a few days, and then something will come up and we'll get into a discussion about it again. Maybe if we saw a therapist every week, and had a set time to talk about things, we'd be more able to enjoy other time together. He's been pretty good about talking it over with me, but I'm afraid he's going to get tired of me because I'm unhappy and turn to porn again.

I want us to get through this. I love him and think he's a good person, and he treats me well except for this. But I'm scared he's either addicted and will lie to me again, or maybe he just doesn't realize how bad this is for me and how it very well may destroy us if it happens again. I'm so scared it's going to happen again and it will be this cycle that destroys our relationship. This has shaken me to my core.

I've asked him if it didn't mean anything to him, why was he willing to risk our marriage for it? He says he was being selfish. I'm having a hard time understanding.

I guess this part of the forum is about giving advice, isn't it? And I've just been asking for it. So here's my one piece of advice which I read somewhere today: If you've been betrayed and don't know how to forgive, or how to behave towards the person who betrayed you, imagine that you were the one who betrayed, and that you were truly sorry and asking for forgiveness. How would you want to be treated? I don't know if it's good advice or not, but I'm going to try it. Something needs to change. I don't want to live like this. I feel ill. And I miss him. I want us to be best friends again. (Of course, that brings up the question, were we every really very good friends, since he's been lying to me pretty much the whole time we've been together)

[Helen_uk]

ihh

If your husband is keen to prove he isn't using porn then ask him if you can install a net nanny program or a key logger, either of those can be password protected ( by you ) so that settings can't be changed and will email you every key stroke made, site visited etc. I wouldn't recommend you do this without him knowing as it will bring you more heartache if he is still using and you then have to face up to more problems.

I had similar problems in my last relationship with regards to porn and was demoralised by the whole thing. It certainly affected my sex drive and self confidence. Not to mention the trust issues caused by the lies and deceit.

The one thing I learned that surprised me was that men who view porn ( on the whole ) really don't see it as a big problem and are surprised that women do. They just don't get how hurtful it is as they see it as a pure fantasy thing ( i.e not comparing wives to what they see on screen ), this doesn't make it right of course.

Things can get back on track in your relationship, but only if your h understands that this is hurting you and undermining your marriage .

Good luck and take care.

Helen

[lhh]

The one thing I learned that surprised me was that men who view porn ( on the whole ) really don't see it as a big problem and are surprised that women do. They just don't get how hurtful it is as they see it as a pure fantasy thing ( i.e not comparing wives to what they see on screen ), this doesn't make it right of course.


I understand what you're saying, but we had talked about it extensively before, and he knew how I felt about it. He knew it was a big problem which is why he went to such great lengths to hide it. Also, I think most guys would be upset if they found out their wives were secretly masturbating to naked men on the internet and lying to them about it. They're just not going to admit it until it actually happens. Luckily for them, they most likely don't need to worry about that sort of thing.

Our wedding vows are a joke. He was lying to me the whole time we were writing them together and after we said the vows to each other he was still lying to me. I feel like so stupid. I really don't understand why you would want to marry someone that you felt the need to flat out lie to and hide stuff from.

If your husband is keen to prove he isn't using porn then ask him if you can install a net nanny program or a key logger, either of those can be password protected ( by you ) so that settings can't be changed and will email you every key stroke made, site visited etc. I wouldn't recommend you do this without him knowing as it will bring you more heartache if he is still using and you then have to face up to more problems.


I mentioned that idea last night. He didn't seem too happy about that idea, but he might go along with it. He looked irritated when I mentioned it and just shrugged his shoulders. He says it wouldn't fix the underlying problem, which I agree with.

Good luck and take care.
Thanks.

[Helen_uk]

No it wouldn't fix the underlying problem, only he can do that !

My ex partner also knew how much I disliked porn and my very valid reasons for feeling that way. It didn't stop him , it made him more secretive. If they continue to do it knowing how much it hurts you then you have to start to wonder if it's more than just a pleasure thing, i.e is it an addiction or do they have a problem and feel as if you are being " controlling " or " unreasonable ".

I agree that most men wouldn't like the thought of their spouse doing the same thing, but they won't admit that because they know it's unlikely to happen.

For me it felt like cheating when he did it , and it did eventually lead to that. It wasn't just the fact he viewed porn I objected to, it was the deceitfulness and lies that went with it, knowing he was capable of that made me start to wonder what else he lied about....

In the end it comes down to what you can put up with, you can't change his behaviours, only he can do that and it sometimes leads to having to make a decision, as in my case, to leave and have done with it. We'd been together 5 years but without trust there was no point continuing and I couldn't forgive him something I knew he was still doing. In the end he had an affair and I kicked him out and went through hell for months because I loved him so much, but it was still the right thing to do. My self respect wouldn't let me do it any other way.

Take care.

Helen

[Raymond]

These things go a lot deeper than you just happening not to like porn ihh. They cut through the very covenant of marriage. I've said this lots of times on here but I'll say it again because it's true. It is akin to mental adultery an abberation or a detour of the sex drive on to images of other women. You have found out that it has affected your sex life together and it will only get worse if something is not done about it.

As Helen says it is only him that can decide to do something about it. It will take a lot of determination to be free of it. It sounds as if he has become partially addicted through reason of use. One of your contributions will be to confront him on it, not necessarily in a militant way it can be done gently but firmly. It was a very bad idea to try share it with him, as you have discovered. This would only condone something that would be damaging to yourself and him. Marriages do not thrive on porn whatever these porn sites try to suggest, it cuts through the sacredness and intimacy of your sex life together. It is a fantasy.

Watch your self esteem ihh. This is not your fault and you have done nothing wrong. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Raymond

[Britt]

Hi,
My name is Brittany and I'm new to this but I've just been holding my feelings inside for so long...and I feel like I have no one to talk to because, I don't want anyone to think badly of my husband. We have only been married for 3 years and the past 2 yrs I caught my husband looking at Porn or even women in bikinis ( like Jessica Simpson ) off and on. I'm only 25 and I try so hard to stay in good shape for him...I always want to have sex and try new things with him...I have even made videos of myself for him to watch when he gets tempted. I don't know what eles to do....I feel so undesirable and scared that he secretly wishes I looked like someone else. He knows it's wrong and he has told me tons of times that he is sorry and that it wont happen again...but every time I start trusting him it happens again. He tells me that he thinks I'm sexy but I don't believe him.

[Raymond]

At least he knows it is wrong Brittany. Some are not even admitting that. Nevertheless it is a very bad habit to get into as it can grow inside and take over. It is already affecting your self esteem. I look on it as a kind of mental adultery. I would continue to confront him on it. This can be gentle but firm. There are stories on here where this stuff has wrecked marriages.

Don't take it personally self esteem wise. I am sure you are very attractive. We live in days where we are assaulted with scantily clad women everywhere. It is a strong man who can resist the temptation not to look, but that's what we have to do if we value the intimacy in our marriages. Although theres more sex than ever around it is the least understood drive. I believe it should be exclusively reserved for marriage, if it's not it eats away at the intimacy we enjoy with our special one.

If he could understand these things I'm sure he would change his behaviour.

Raymond

[bj stew]

Hi everyone,

I have just registered. Wondered if anyone has any views on why men need porn? I am trying to understand why my partner needs porn and why it is making my life such a misery:( . Would like someone to talk to.
:confused: men dont need porn , but they like to look at it to work there mind , i alway say dos,nt matter where they get there appetite from as long as they eat at home , to let yr man watch porn , u need to be confident in yourself , he is not looking at it because he finds you unattractive , he,s a man and is led by whats in his trousers, but if you start to act like his mum and tell him off for it , he will start to keep things from you and then that could lead to , affairs! , ask him to be open and honest with you ,without making him feel bad . understanding your man is a powerful tool x plus taking away the secrecy can sometimes take away the desire , making porn a taboo will make him want it more .

[seaview]

Why do men need Porn?.....mmm where do I start?

Men need...or enjoy looking at porn as they are visual creatures...also if you ladies were more experimental and made the effort more in the bedroom then we would have less need for it..too many women fail to realise that and lose there men because of that.

[calmfornow]

Do YOU enjoy looking at porn Seaview? If you do then that might just be the answer as to why you and your wife have not ML in the last 5 years.................
cfn.

[Vonsidious]

I understand completely why you may feel that porn should not be allowed as part of a relationship between a man and a woman.I do however believe that most men that veiw pornagraphy have either a problem with their own self-image or they do it out of curiosity.

That is not to say that men should be excused from the veiwing of porn because of their natural curiosity but at the same time you cannot say that a man should not be married if he has a problem with it.

The main reason being that if you know how to love someone you should at least give them a chance to get either counselling, or some other kind of help( such as an Imternet filter for their computer).

I am not saying this because I am a man but because I am a man I feel that although a woman may veiw this subject as a problem, if she loves her significant other that he will be able to overcome his addiction. Because like it or not that is what it is. And with the fact that nowadays porn is more accesible than ever it represents a problem for us men because we love women so much and we find you to be the most fascinating of all God's creations.

I have been having a problem with veiwing porn but it is not because I don't love my wife it is however causing problems in my marriage. But I have cut down tremendously and i beleive that I will stop veiwing it one day. Because I love my wife. So you can't say that just because a man veiws porn that he should never have a marriage, but if a woman loves the man then she should give him a chance to work it out.

That's not to say however that she should be a fool. If after many chances her man does not stop then she should take action and perhaps should leave him.

[Raymond]

Not bad advice. Very honest as well.

I think it can be like another sex room where you have the choice of do I go to my wife or porn? If you keep going to the wrong room eventually you will have isolated yourself from the intimacy you should be experiencing with your wife.

Raymond

[seaview]

Not bad advice. Very honest as well.

I think it can be like another sex room where you have the choice of do I go to my wife or porn? If you keep going to the wrong room eventually you will have isolated yourself from the intimacy you should be experiencing with your wife.

Raymond

Thats all very well...but what happens when your wife is not interested in sex...or you have other problems affecting your sex life.

Looking at porn can be a lifesaver for many men....and women in needy times.

[Raymond]

I don't know what your wife's problem is Seaview, but I am sure your porn will not help and will just close the door further.

You may get a little pleasure in the short term but eventually it will have you, not you it.

Raymond

[T27]

I'm sure most men would love to be honest with their girlfriend or wife about porn, but even when they are, women usually make a big deal about it or get upset/sad and dissapointed.

This of course makes it so he turns to hiding it (since it is not something easily stopped).

Of course this then becomes a cycle, with him hiding it until he gets caught, which is sure to happen. He will then promise to never do it again (because no one wants to see their wife unhappy), and the cycle will repeat itself.

This will go on until either he gives it up (not likely, or at least not easily), the wife becomes a little more open minded in regards to it (even less likely), or they just live with it or seperate (seperation seems to be the common thing from what I've read in these forums).

So is there really a solution to this problem that makes anyone happy? I'm still looking for the answer on this one unfortunately.

[Raymond]

Do they not make a big deal about it because it is a big deal? Because sex is so important in marriage it does amount to a mental adultery. Even Jesus said if you look after a woman to lust after her you have already commited adultery in your heart. A woman gives her body to a man in marriage not to be shared with the images in porn. You may say it's only film or pictures but men experience sex (illigitimately) and do climax as well in many cases. Sometimes these images are still in their heads when they are making love, so who are they making love to? I think it causes total confusion to the intimacy that should be experieced.

You could substitute say stealing instead of porn in your post T27 and you will see a parallel situation. You can't expect a woman to be impressed with it. The answer is to know how imporatant marriage is and how it affects us in the deepest places. Porn will work against that. It is a killer of intimacy and marriages. The answer is to be honest, but to fight it as well. Better still don't start it if you have the opportunity to stay free of it. If one really loves their wife they will fight it and with God's help win the battle.

We all have choices. Do I go to the porn room or do I go to the sexual reality room with my wife? One works against the other. You have to make the right choices.

Raymond

[seaview]

Do they not make a big deal about it because it is a big deal? Because sex is so important in marriage it does amount to a mental adultery. Even Jesus said if you look after a woman to lust after her you have already commited adultery in your heart. A woman gives her body to a man in marriage not to be shared with the images in porn. You may say it's only film or pictures but men experience sex (illigitimately) and do climax as well in many cases. Sometimes these images are still in their heads when they are making love, so who are they making love to? I think it causes total confusion to the intimacy that should be experieced.

You could substitute say stealing instead of porn in your post T27 and you will see a parallel situation. You can't expect a woman to be impressed with it. The answer is to know how imporatant marriage is and how it affects us in the deepest places. Porn will work against that. It is a killer of intimacy and marriages. The answer is to be honest, but to fight it as well. Better still don't start it if you have the opportunity to stay free of it. If one really loves their wife they will fight it and with God's help win the battle.

We all have choices. Do I go to the porn room or do I go to the sexual reality room with my wife? One works against the other. You have to make the right choices.

Raymond

'sexual reality room' lmao!!:D ......many men will be asking where this mythical place is..there is certainly not one in my house!

Many ladies could probably do with a visit to this room too to see how to keep things fresh in the Intimacy dept.

I would argue that Porn is not the killer of intimacy and marriages....quite the opposite,..it is the symtom of a marriage which lacks intimacy..usually because the woman has gave up on that side of things in the relationship,leaving her man having to use porn.You may say well,..why does he not leave the relationship?...well that may not be so easy as there may be children involved in the relationship etc etc.

Men like porn,like women need their shopping fix..always have and always will too I reckon.

[Raymond]

We are going over the same ground again Seaview. Sometimes it is the porn that has ruined the sexual side of marriage.

If it is other things then something has gone wrong. Porn will certainly not fix it.

I'm sorry there is no reality room in you marriage, but a fantasy room may ruin you for any new relationship in the future.

Raymond

[danielx]

Introducing strange concepts like 'reality room' and 'fantasy room' helps no one to understand anything. It is hard enough at the best of times to understand what exactly reality is - the fact is we all have very subjective views of it - without introducing new layers of fantasy and reality to confuse everything.

Is pornography real and does it belong in the 'reality room' or is it fantasy and so belong in the 'fantasy room'? What sense can anyone make of this?

DX

[bmarieknees]

Hi Everyone! I stumbled upon this forum while googling "Why do men look at porn?". It's pretty pathetic that this is what some things come down to. Ok, so my story....I have been dating the same guy for 6 years. We have lived together for about 3 years. Awhile ago I found out he was masturbating. And we talked about it and I told him that I wasn't very comfortable with that. I am a very sexual person, probably more so than a lot of females, and I feel like I do a good job in bed. Anyways, about 3 weeks ago, I was doing laundry and found a shirt that he had used during masturbation. Yuck! So, I confronted him again, and told him that we had had this talk before and I thought he understood. I let him know that it really hurt my feelings and made me feel like I am not good enough for him. We are pretty sexually active together. We have sex pretty much every 2-3 days, so its not like he isn't getting any. So, anyway, we talked about it, and I cried about it. I asked him why he did it and he immediately clammed up and was embarrasses. I told him that he should have thought about that before hand. So, anyway, we moved on from it. But, just the other day, I was turning on the tv, home by myself, and saw that he had watched some porn movies. I asked him about it and he said that that was from about 3 weeks ago when I had caught him. I am ok with porn, but only if it is with me. I am pretty much open to things and he knows that. Just wanted to put my story out there in case anyone had anything to say. I get so tired of things like this that tear at my relationship. I have told him how it makes me feel, but I don't know that he understands. He isnt addicted to porn, by any means, but, I still consider it cheating. He wouldn't like it if I did this. Why, then, is it ok for him?

[Fatimah]

Apologies first of all to Raymond. I just want to put another perspective on this topic, and dont wish to offend,and I very much respect your comments as a Christian man. I dont think I would be the only person who hasnt thought about the things I write below. Maybe many women wouldnt feel comfortable to enlighten us, but I feel it is important to explore all aspects of this topic.

Whilst I havent read all the messages on this topic, I wonder if maybe it could have read ' Why do men and women need porn' Why do we always assume that it is only men who watch porn? I think there are probably a lot of women who watch it. And women also masterbate. As to whether women like to admit to watching porn, has anyone ever thought they might like to watch it when they are alone? Could it be that women are ashamed to admit to their husbands that they enjoy this pasttime? I sympathise with the wives/girlfriends who feel that men do it because they need this extra something in their life. But I dont think it means that their men feel dissatisfied with their partner in any way. I sometimes wonder how men and women instinctively know how to please their partner. Certain sexual acts performed surely points to both men and women having had some clues on how to do these things. Which makes me ask if all of us , male and female, have been curious at some point in our life, to look at titilating material? Whether we are all honest to admit to it is a different matter. Whether we feel guilty or guiltless afterwards is another matter.It seems on the whole that the men do admit to it, whilst women tend not to. As for why both sexes feel the need for it, I think it comes down to human curiosity. It's how it is controlled in the mind of the individual that is the worry. Many experience no ill affects from such activities. On the other hand there are plenty who feel remorse and suffer in silence, and would admit to it being an addiction, but are too ashamed to ask for clerical help. It all depends on the individual as to whether it is a sin or part of human nature. Either way, discussing it is of great worth to all, both men and women.

[seaview]

Apologies first of all to Raymond. I just want to put another perspective on this topic, and dont wish to offend,and I very much respect your comments as a Christian man. I dont think I would be the only person who hasnt thought about the things I write below. Maybe many women wouldnt feel comfortable to enlighten us, but I feel it is important to explore all aspects of this topic.

Whilst I havent read all the messages on this topic, I wonder if maybe it could have read ' Why do men and women need porn' Why do we always assume that it is only men who watch porn? I think there are probably a lot of women who watch it. And women also masterbate. As to whether women like to admit to watching porn, has anyone ever thought they might like to watch it when they are alone? Could it be that women are ashamed to admit to their husbands that they enjoy this pasttime? I sympathise with the wives/girlfriends who feel that men do it because they need this extra something in their life. But I dont think it means that their men feel dissatisfied with their partner in any way. I sometimes wonder how men and women instinctively know how to please their partner. Certain sexual acts performed surely points to both men and women having had some clues on how to do these things. Which makes me ask if all of us , male and female, have been curious at some point in our life, to look at titilating material? Whether we are all honest to admit to it is a different matter. Whether we feel guilty or guiltless afterwards is another matter.It seems on the whole that the men do admit to it, whilst women tend not to. As for why both sexes feel the need for it, I think it comes down to human curiosity. It's how it is controlled in the mind of the individual that is the worry. Many experience no ill affects from such activities. On the other hand there are plenty who feel remorse and suffer in silence, and would admit to it being an addiction, but are too ashamed to ask for clerical help. It all depends on the individual as to whether it is a sin or part of human nature. Either way, discussing it is of great worth to all, both men and women.

What a fantastic post Fatimah!!...I agree with your points....anyone who thinks that some women do not like using it is extremely naive.

[Raymond]

bmarieknees I can see where you are coming from and why you consider it cheating. Sex is important and when a partner starts watching porn and maybe even MB with it then it is an inroad against the intimacy that you enjoy. It is cheating as you say, a kind of mental adultery.

You are right to feel the way you feel. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You must feel defiled after sharing so much with him. However, as you say, he is not addicted to it so hopefully he will be able to let it drop especially if he values his relationship with you.

I truly hope that he sees what it is doing to you and that you will get back the intimacy and sharing you had without this stuff tearing into you.

Raymond

[voltage]

Surely when an individual develops a fascination with porn, it is a selfish act of arousing ones self. That could mean that they are not feeling so aroused sexually by their partner any longer, and maybe they are not satisfied with what they have? Why else would they need to view it? If your partner is doing this regularly, it can only lead to doubt, and concern for your intimacy with each other. This will inevitably cause problems in the long term. I personally think that if, whilst in a relationship, a man is viewing porn regularly, it really is an insult to their partner, and they should deal with it before it destroys the trust, and ultimately, the relationship. Men in married relationships surely do not need porn. They should be focusing on intimacy with their wives who they have vowed to honour with their bodies for as long as they both shall live.

[Fatimah]

It is not only married men that read or look at porn. Single males also do. So maybe we should not condemm everyone. Some individuals that have no partner might be doing this because they are lonely, or maybe deep down there is a pschylogical problem. I am neither saying porn is right or wrong, but I think we should not judge all people the same. It seems that most of these forum messages are written by people who do not want to understand the reasons behind anothers actions. There is no straight forward answer. I find it upsetting that there is little sympathy. We do not know all the reasons why people use porn, so we should not be so quick to judge.

[Raymond]

I couldn't agree more Voltage. It is so true what you have said. It does take away from intimacy and trust because sex is so important. I believe the more set apart the sexual relationship is, where a couple are true to each other, the more the bedroom is set on fire and the more secure the relationship is. It is in my experience anyhow. If I am tempted with porn it is like a stranger coming into the marriage and it will definitely affect our relationship.

Nobody is judging anyone Fatimah but if you make light of porn it is not conducive to encouraging good marriage. If I was addicted to porn I would never get free until I faced up to the fact that it was wrong for me. Nobody wants to destroy anyone but this stuff just doesn't help marriage in my opinion.

By the way when I was single and happened to watch porn I still knew it was wrong even then and counted that escapade as something that would not be healthy in the long run.

You say that people watch porn because they are not aroused by their partner. That can be true but it is not the whole story. Some come into marriage already addicted to porn and have a real battle to shake it off. You seem to be coming up with reasons why it is OK to watch porn, but I do not think there are any personally speaking. If I was not aroused by my wife, it may be because I'm too busy at work, that we need to spend quality time together, that my wife needs attention in some areas, it could be a hundred number of reasons. To turn to porn at these times is a betrayal of trust in my eyes. I make it work because I am committed to her and love her inside the bedroom and out of it. Love is bigger than sex however important it is.

It is true that a lot of men need help with porn, but there are sites and counselors who specialise in those areas to help those who want victory in this area. I don't think feeling sorry for them and exusing them will help them or their wives.

Raymond

[the fool]

i dont understand why yall go so hard on the man i am a man and i love to jerk off to porn my wife hates it but i just cant help it sometimes when a man gets the urge the impulsuvevness in our brains kick in and we have to if we dont get the chance to then we will find anyway to do so im sorry that it hurts my wife because she feels inaddiquite but i love her and i make it last most time of the time by doing it at least a couple of hours before hand i dont want you women to feel differently about us men but most of us are the same and we need this release to please the women we love cuz really that is what it is all about pleasing her but when we are not pleased with ourselves then how can we please you properly we cant cuz all we are worried about is getting off is that what you want hell no u want it to be passionate and fully orgasmic for you right tell me if im wrong but men aim to please or atleast we try so just turn your head once or twice and stop tring to catch them in every act you can and just see what happens ok

[danielx]

Well, fool, I wish you could have made your point a little better.

DX

[Swimming in Regrets]

Men need porn for many different reasons and combinations of reasons.

-loneliness (they may have a hard time finding someone to have sex with)

- lack of attraction to the partner. If there is no sexual desire for the partner a man can't perform. Unlike women it is impossible for a man to "fake it" or have "mercy" sex

-anxiety. For meny men couple's sex is stressful and this stress often leads to sexual dysfunction which the man is ashamed of. Rather than going through the heartache of starting something he can't finish, he turns to porn and masturbation.

-depression. Again a person who ia depressed has a very difficult time relating to others. Often this leads to loneliness and seclusion with no sexual outlet.

-sexual boredom. Not a reason many women like but a reason nonetheless. Many men want to have their cake and eat it too. What I mean is they want to stay married (usually because of children) but they also want sexual variety without having to risk going outside the home. Internet porn is often a remedy for this.

-childhood trauma. Doesn't even need to be sexual abuse. It is often physical or mental abuse or simply Attachment Disorder. These men find it impossible to love anyone and feel uncomfortable with intimacy.

[Alice Alice]

Swimming in Regrets

thank you for your insight ...you really are helpful
but how can we get my husband to stop making love to his hand?
i need to trim down 10 pounds he says but he buys me sweets all the time
and himself treats too (he is a bit under wieght)
i will get into the shape i was before i had the baby, but in those days our time together wasn't that spicey anyway....it really makes me feel like crap to think of it, i think my stuburn belief that our love life would get better did me in.
__________________

[Swimming in Regrets]

It depends on the man really.

Some men have difficulty meeting women and are lonely. Masturbation using fantasy only goes so far, especially as you get older and need more stimulation to become aroused.

Some married men have grown bored with marital sex or their partner has become sexually unattractive to them. Or the wife has refused to have sex with them for any number of reasons. They don't want to leave the marriage, usually because of children involved, so porn and masturbation at the computer is a safe way to have new sexual experiences.

Because men's primary arousal sense is the visual, the porn and masturbation experience can become very intense and often men come to prefer it to partner sex, which can be stressful to them.

Many men suffer from sexual dysfunction with a partner but not when masturbating. These men prefer porn and masturbation because they don't feel humiliated and ashamed like they do when attempting sex with a spouse or girlfriend.

Men like sexual variety and internet porn offers just that. They can pick which kind of woman from teens to grannies doing whatever kind of sex acts they want. They can also safely explore other facets of their sexuality or sex practices they are curious about.

That's all I can think of now, I'm sure there are many more reasons. If anyone can think of others please post them.

[val100]

This is how I see it, Everybody is different what one finds acceptable in their relationship another may not Porn from a womans point of view ususlly isn't the nicest thing. I personally see it as something quiet horrible but I accept it exsists and it isn't going away anytime soon.
We are all sexual beings but how we express that is totally an individual thing. I wouldn't want porn in my marriage but I don't believe that it is wrong for some couples, I honestly don't understand it but luckily I don't have to.
I have never asked my husband if he does mb it isn't my business. When we were happily married that side of our relationship was fantastic neither of us could have wished for better. We both agreed how lucky we were to be so well matched in that department.
So I never feared him disappearing for a few minutes.
Millions of women own vibrators there are ann summers shops poping up everywhere. Married women, single women,& Lesbian women owning vibrators. Husbands enjoying intimate time with their wives and her vibrator.
What I am trying to say is I feel so much judgement is being made on men, women fall under the radar because we are not as visual as men so, Porn isn't discussed with them in mind.
As long as blood flows through our viens I hope and pray we will all remain sexual creatures. How we express that must be done in a way that never hurts another person. Therefore if your husbands porn and your wifes vibrator are hurting you then that is something that must be dealt with. If you find it an acceptable part of your relationship than fantastic.
If your Husband is sneaking to the bathroom for a quick fix find out why. Most men say it is boredom, their wives are busy or they have the urge for that empowering release (women have the exact same reasons, check out the sex toys that are out their, for the giggle or the insight or because you want some). If you as a partner can ask how can you help to stop this activity then be open to what might be said or asked of you.
If your partner is addicted to porn and has issues in the bedroom then you definately need to get help.
Lastly, times have change boundaries have shifted sexual limitations barely exsist but our code of morals remain strongas individuals. Society has been sexualised. Never compromise on your moral code but remember it is just that your moral code. (Obviously here I am just talking about the normal not the hideous world of sexual abuse, and other humans being hurt for evil gratification I hope and pray that society will never ever push those boundaries.)
this is just my opinion. Thanks

[seaview]

It depends on the man really.

Some men have difficulty meeting women and are lonely. Masturbation using fantasy only goes so far, especially as you get older and need more stimulation to become aroused.

Some married men have grown bored with marital sex or their partner has become sexually unattractive to them. Or the wife has refused to have sex with them for any number of reasons. They don't want to leave the marriage, usually because of children involved, so porn and masturbation at the computer is a safe way to have new sexual experiences.

Because men's primary arousal sense is the visual, the porn and masturbation experience can become very intense and often men come to prefer it to partner sex, which can be stressful to them.

Many men suffer from sexual dysfunction with a partner but not when masturbating. These men prefer porn and masturbation because they don't feel humiliated and ashamed like they do when attempting sex with a spouse or girlfriend.

Men like sexual variety and internet porn offers just that. They can pick which kind of woman from teens to grannies doing whatever kind of sex acts they want. They can also safely explore other facets of their sexuality or sex practices they are curious about.

That's all I can think of now, I'm sure there are many more reasons. If anyone can think of others please post them.

Bang on sir.!!..you are so right....Porn does have its place in relationships,..and just not for men either...apparently.

[Raymond]

Porn doesn't have a place in my relationship. I share intimacy with my wife, not with films or pictures of other women. To me that is a mental adultery and would harm the great sexual relationship I experience with her, not to mention the trust and intimacy. It doesn't mean that I am not tempted. I resist it because I know it's not helpful or right.

I know that some will disagree, but the other side needs to be mentioned. I am not against my wife using a vibrator (which she doesn't) if she wants to, but it would be healthier for her to have me in mind if she did.

I am learning this more and more and am also aware of the marriages ruined on here where porn (mental adultery) played a big part.

I know you will disagree Seaview and Danielx also, but I am not going to bother to argue with you this time.

God bless

Raymond

[seaview]

Porn doesn't have a place in my relationship. I share intimacy with my wife, not with films or pictures of other women. To me that is a mental adultery and would harm the great sexual relationship I experience with her, not to mention the trust and intimacy. It doesn't mean that I am not tempted. I resist it because I know it's not helpful or right.

I know that some will disagree, but the other side needs to be mentioned. I am not against my wife using a vibrator (which she doesn't) if she wants to, but it would be healthier for her to have me in mind if she did.

I am learning this more and more and am also aware of the marriages ruined on here where porn (mental adultery) played a big part.

I know you will disagree Seaview and Danielx also, but I am not going to bother to argue with you this time.

God bless

Raymond

You make your points well Raymond and I respect your views and your rights to have them sir....I suppose you are so lucky to have such a brilliant relationship with your wife where you both seem secure and happy with that side of things and dont need to go elsewhere.

All the best for 2008 to you and yours

[Raymond]

Thank you Seaview. I didn't expect that to be honest.

Raymond

[emilychen]

porn? it plays a new role in my life and I really don't know how to deal with it. 2007 is the most difficult year in my life. First of all, in March, on my birthday, I found out my husband hasd affair with his assistant. They had sex day and night in the office, anytime they can find between the classes.( they teach in the university). I decided to have him back by playing a crazy sexaul partner in bed. Few months later, I found that woman naked picture in his computer. Then I found he actually get on the sexual website all the time, even became a golden member of it. I keep playing crazy sexual toy for him and I event get on the web with him, showing my body on the web. do I like it? I don't know? What I am doing? I really don't know. Is there any true love? All my life just faked!

[Alice Alice]

be good to yourself take a holiday away from him for 5 days clear your head he sounds lost do you want to be lost with him????
if he was lost in love with you it would be great but....
i feel real sad for you how can you do this to yourself?
i ask this of myself too my husband seems to like porn more then me
today porn 2morrow the girl at work
set down the rules of how you want to be treated
all the best to you

[emilychen]

Thanks Alice. I I tried to get my head clear for more than 8 months. I keep asking myself this question as well. But I don't want to break the family. I am afaird any wrong decision will take my family apart.

[Alice Alice]

i know how you feel my family is important too, all i ever wanted out of life was a happy family of my own
big homes and cars were never important just an everyday person happy to share my love with my family
.....:( will it ever come true for people like us? i hope so i still have hope
take that 4 day holiday and think through out that time on what you need
all the best ...hope your weekend is peaceful

[Raymond]

It is difficult for you both. Sex should be solely between married couples I believe. Getting it outside the marriage even mentally works against the intimacy you have. You know that already. The problem is how do you deal with it? I think you have at least to make a stand against it. It is an enemy to you and to him.

Emilychen Alice is right about him being lost. Why should you be lost too? You can be a good wife without getting lost. You have to make a stand. Nobody has the right to lead you into the dirt pit, even your husband. You are an individual as well as a wife. If you love him you shouldn't do it, you will only be re-inforcing his behaviour. You have to be true to yourself and not fear, otherwise you will end up in a kind of prison where only christ can set you free. Alice is a lovely girl who's husband has this problem, but she does not partake of his sins and has her head screwed on. Sex is something to be used in marriage, not something that controls us or uses us.

I don't know any answer but prayer and I know that that can work when we believe God and one can only do that through Jesus. He is the only way. I know one wife who was converted to Christ who prayed for her husband to be miserable. God answered her prayer and he turned to Christ, now they both tour the States telling their story. He is not miserable anymore, but he needed to be miserable about his lifestyle, otherwise he would never have changed.

Until a husband knows that it is wrong how can he change? It is difficult enough when one knows it is wrong because of the addiction that some are in. Jesus called it adultery and that is why it is so painful for the wife. It is a kind of unfaithfulness. Why would God care about adultery? Because He made them male and female, husband and wife. He even says He has joined them together, let no one seperate them.

I am sure that there is an answer to this. Jesus said seek and you will find. So many are in this situation nowadays. I can't believe that God would desert us without an answer.

Raymond

[Alice Alice]

it true about not joining in
i did it like you ...but as Raymond said it just gets worse way worse don't join in to prove you love him instead prove you love him by not joining in he is drowning and you can't save him if you don't get on the steady ground to pull him in
if you believe in Jesus Christ pray with all your heart and if you don't believe in any type of religion just remember God is love and love will win over this darkness that want to take over.
if anyone says porn is ok thats because it hasn't hit home yet and i was one of those mindless women at one point in my life and now i have a baby it is a whole different ball game
it's so important to keep children away from this type of thing it can only do harm to them and there future relationships
someone will have to break the chain it might as well be us
all the best to you and thanks Raymond you are a wonderful person to have here on this sight

[Raymond]

You speak sense Alice.

Raymond

[emilychen]

I do feel sad and weak. I really hope I can find the way out. I feel I live in the dark can not see a light most of the time. I have 2 kids, 9 and 3.Quite often, I want him out of my life. But is it really an answer? How can I face to the children to explain evrything happen to my life? Since I found out his affair, I pray to have the wisdom to deal with it. Then I found out more and more. I really don't know what the task God gave to me.

Emily

[Raymond]

Emily the light of the world is Jesus Christ. Although few find him it doesn't change the truth of it.

No doubt you seek God but He has chosen that we come to him through Jesus. That is the key he has given. If you can ask him (Jesus) into your life as a person he will come in and save you. He already paid the price for our sin and as you receive that the barrier between us and God is taken out of the way.

I only say this because you sound desperate and I know that that will be a permanent answer to you. After He comes in you will have access to God. I feel you desperately need His strength and it would be wrong of me not to tell you the good news which christ died to give us.

Raymond

[Sadly Mistaken]

Sorry If I didn't post this right, it's my first time posting.

My boyfriend and I starting dating in March of 2007. I let him know that I was ok with porn by watching it from my own selection. Our relationship developed very quick and we moved in together in June of 2007. My first feelings of betrayal starting when he got drunk and made a sexual remark about her like I wouldn't see him, at least he hoped. I confronted him about it and he denied it and blamed it on being drunk. One day this summer I was happy about us and felt extremely horny. I watched a porn and got off. I called him after and told him what I watched and that I was thinking of him while I was getting off. He actually got mad and said I don't feel comfortable with you watching porn without me. He ended up hiding the porn on me so I'd have to ask where it was, when I wanted to watch it. I starting feeling a little shame from him.

I caught him in Aug. looking at a porn site. The thing that hurt me, is I was just wanting sex from him. I had to put my son to bed first. Then after I hinted around about being horny. He ignored me and sat on the computer all night. I ended up looking up the history and found the porno. I first thought he was looking at local girls to have sex with because I guess those are the advertisements. That didn't make me feel any better. He says he looks at porns because I won't let him look at me. I won't let him look at me because I feel like hes more turned on by another type of women. He promised to stop looking but he hasn't. I really didn't want it to be a private thing, I wanted us to share porn. Now he looks at it when I'm sleeping or if I'm not home. I know I'm a very attracted women but lately I feel so ugly because of the way he goes about looking at it. Why can't he wake me up if hes horny? I wake him up if I get horny. I've never felt so unattractive in my life not even after my son. I'm so uncomfortable with my body now.

Please, I need some advise.

[seaview]

Sorry If I didn't post this right, it's my first time posting.

My boyfriend and I starting dating in March of 2007. I let him know that I was ok with porn by watching it from my own selection. Our relationship developed very quick and we moved in together in June of 2007. My first feelings of betrayal starting when he got drunk and made a sexual remark about her like I wouldn't see him, at least he hoped. I confronted him about it and he denied it and blamed it on being drunk. One day this summer I was happy about us and felt extremely horny. I watched a porn and got off. I called him after and told him what I watched and that I was thinking of him while I was getting off. He actually got mad and said I don't feel comfortable with you watching porn without me. He ended up hiding the porn on me so I'd have to ask where it was, when I wanted to watch it. I starting feeling a little shame from him.

I caught him in Aug. looking at a porn site. The thing that hurt me, is I was just wanting sex from him. I had to put my son to bed first. Then after I hinted around about being horny. He ignored me and sat on the computer all night. I ended up looking up the history and found the porno. I first thought he was looking at local girls to have sex with because I guess those are the advertisements. That didn't make me feel any better. He says he looks at porns because I won't let him look at me. I won't let him look at me because I feel like hes more turned on by another type of women. He promised to stop looking but he hasn't. I really didn't want it to be a private thing, I wanted us to share porn. Now he looks at it when I'm sleeping or if I'm not home. I know I'm a very attracted women but lately I feel so ugly because of the way he goes about looking at it. Why can't he wake me up if hes horny? I wake him up if I get horny. I've never felt so unattractive in my life not even after my son. I'm so uncomfortable with my body now.

Please, I need some advise.

Sorry to hear that...He is one lucky guy too to have someone like you!!..wish I was in his shoes!

He has what a lot of us men dream off,..a loving,sexy lady who is prepared to meet his needs!...I cant understand why that is never enough for some folk.

I really hope you guys can work it out coz you have a nice relationship at heart I think.

[mother earth]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am wondering if it is a control thing on his part. He may not like you to be the inititator. He wants to be the one in charge and know what you are doing. And if you watch on your own he may actually feel like he is competing with you in terms of satisfaction. Men have such frail egos and women are filled with self-doubt. What a strange jar of pickles we are.

On the other hand, I am not certain all this matters in the long run. We knock ourselves out trying to figure out the whys and wherefores and maybe it's all moot. The brain is a weird organ. It may boil down to your being able to accept the situation or NOT. There are plently of other people in the world who may be better suited to your way of thinking.

[Raymond]

I would say that men can get off with porn and the women doing the porn. I think it works in the opposite way one would think. It doesn't make you desire your wife more. You will be thinking of the women you saw and if you do have sex they are still on your mind perhaps comparing them with your partner. If you love someone your sexual expression should belong only to her. I think women who allow it into marriage are making a rod for their back. Really it's like sex outside the relationship or outside marriage.

Raymond

[Alice Alice]

He is one lucky guy too to have someone like you!!..wish I was in his shoes!

He has what a lot of us men dream off,..a loving,sexy lady who is prepared to meet his needs!...I cant understand why that is never enough for some folk.

I really hope you guys can work it out coz you have a nice relationship at heart I think.

I agree he is a very lucky man but if you had a lady like her you might just do the same as her husband

i am one of those ladies who is comfortable with sex and try my best to look good for my husband but after awhile i start feeling bad about myself I can't believe i would ever say this but thank goodness for the cat calls i get when i'm just walking along the sidewalk in the summer. If it wasn't for those "rude" men i would forget what it is to feel wanted in that level.

The problem here is that women like us are are too giving too nice we need to put our foot down not let our husbands who are supposed to be there for us keep messing with our hearts. Tell them what we want show them tough love. Enough is enough thats what i say.

Porn is stupid.

[marriedlady]

I just thought I would throw this in. My husband rarely did porn when he was young. Very low sex drive and now no sex drive. Its made me feel so terrible, I almost wish he was intereseted in porn.. It might show me he was not the walking dead!

[Raymond]

I know what you mean Married Lady. Evidence of a sex drive would be good, but I don't think you would like a husband into porn although it's great to have a sex drive.

Do you know if he is into MB? That can be a diversion of the sex drive.

Keeping fit is a part of it as when you excersise the blood vessels expand to cope with the flow of blood. This is what happens in sex as well, although the sex drive is more deeper than that I know.

Just chatting.

Raymond

[Alice Alice]

I just thought I would throw this in. My husband rarely did porn when he was young. Very low sex drive and now no sex drive. Its made me feel so terrible, I almost wish he was intereseted in porn.. It might show me he was not the walking dead!

careful what you wish for...
i'm thinking these days i should do less for my husband i do too much and this may make him feel less of a man

[super_rn]

Hi everyone,

I have just registered. Wondered if anyone has any views on why men need porn? I am trying to understand why my partner needs porn and why it is making my life such a misery:( . Would like someone to talk to.
:confused:
The computers weren't always around. So what did men do then? They probably fantasized and used mental images. Porn is an excuse and is easily accessible. It has become a huge addiction and we in society are giving men an excuse. Alot of men who go to porn also use live chat lines. Its all garbage!! Alot of relationships are in ruins because of it.
It is making your life a misery probably because you love him and don't know how to deal with the issue. You might want to speak with him and let him know how you feel. This is a start. You are obviously unhappy and staying in that cesspool is not solving anything. You obviously won't accept his actions either. Try counselling for the both of you. But first, he has to recongnize it is hurting you and that he is willing to do something to change his behaviour so your relationship can get better. I wish you luck.
Oh and by the way, I have a boyfriend who was on porn last week and doesnt know that I know that he subscribed to it. He lies!!!!!! He was on before that and live chatlines. He isnt' on chatlines anymore though.

[Raymond]

Theres a lot of sense in what you say Super M. Could have said it myself.

Raymond

[snazzy_essa87]

Hi, i'm new at this but i was just wanting some advice. I've been married for 10 months and we have a great sex life, but about 2 months ago i came across some porn sites in the history of the computer. Initially i was upset about it, but realised that my partner and i had never actually had a conversation about it, so i asked him about it and told him how i felt about him looking at porn and how uncomfortable it made me. He seemed generally upset that he had hurt me and told me that he wouldn't do it again. But then a few weeks later i found more porn sites in the history, i confronted him straight away and he said it was his brother who had come stayed with us for a few weeks (don't know if that's true or not!!) Yesterday i found some more porn sites in the history. (his brothers not here anymore) I feel silly for being hurt and upset by this but i almost feel like he's cheating on me! I don't understand that he knew how it made me feel but did it anyway, it's almost like he doesn't care. I feel like im not good enough for him, i don't feel attractive and now i don't want him to touch me because i can't help but think that he's thinking of the girls when he's with me. It seriously makes me sick. He says it's just what guys do, it doesn't mean anything, i love you your the only girl for me. But to me it just sounds like lies, if he loved me then why is he trying to hurt me??!! He knows how feel. I really don't understand!

[Raymond]

It's perfectly understandable how you feel about this Snazzy. In fact I have observed that it is by far the most normal reaction to this stuff. All men do not do it thank God otherwise there would be no good marriages left. You are wise to confront it as you do and encourage him away from it. He probably doesn't understand the seriousness of it and how it cuts right accross the intimacy which you have. I always treat it as mental adultery. Such is the nature of marriage that any sexual activity outside the marriage mental of physical will cut accross it, that is why commitment is so necessary to make the marriage thrive. "Cleave to thee only" is part of the vows and this includes the sexual area. It is not a game. It hurts the intimacy and purity you have when this kind of thing happens.

I think it is a matter of getting these precepts accross to him. It will most certainly affect the bedroom as it will be polluting his mind. He is not as far on as a lot are so there is hope. Don't let him say all men do it. That is an affront to those of us who see the danger of it. Mixture doesn't work. One has to stay faithful to their own wife in the sexual area. There are plenty of books to improve the bedroom, but porn is an indulgence and mental unfaithfulness that destroys marriages. I have seen it enough even on these threads. Try and get these things accross to him.

Raymond

[snazzy_essa87]

Raymond, thanks for your advice. I once again found more sites in the history (he's not very computer savvy) and asked him about it, he denied it and asked me to show him where i found it, i went to show him and the sites had gone from the history. Today i found written out instructions on how to erase sites visited on the net from the entire computer(not just the history). so basically he's flat out lying right!!?? To go to those lengths to cover it up really just slaps me in the face. I don't trust him at all right now, so do you think there is any point me sticking around??

[Raymond]

I woudn't be so hasty Snazzy. You need answers right now. It may come to that but I haven't got the right to suggest you leave. That must only be your decision. You have to work it right through to see if he will change to see if he wants to overcome this thing that is affecting your marriage. You must be feeling awful right now and he needs to know how it is affecting you and destroying the intimacy you have together. Some men can be pretty thick in these areas. It needs time to affect the way they think. He is already guilty otherwise he wouldn't hide it. If he is trying to overcome it then there is hope. If he doesn't care then there is a problem.

Raymond

[stronggirl]

I agree with Snazzy and went though the same thing over and over. It is very frustrating to feel that your partner has so little regard for you that they would flat out lie to your face. Furthermore, what kind of partner/husband puts porn above their wife? Are men just so stupid that they don't realize that 1) the women on those sites are probably airbrushed within an inch of their lives and don't really look like that and 2) they are lucky to have the women they have in their lives cause if those women do really look like they do on those sites they wouldn't give our average joes the time to day!

[Raymond]

Don't envy them strongirl. They have the highest suicide rate by far of any profession anywhere. It's a big deception that men are falling for a kind of cyber sex that denies reality. Marriage needs to be valued much more as it is very precious, even more so in these days. I feel I want to write a book about it and I think I shall one day. Have a look at this site for an eye opener. http://www.myspace.com/shelleylubben

Raymond

[Alice Alice]

How did i loose this thread i need to navigate my self better through this sight

First thing Thank you Raymond for the link
i have a myspace account and i now have her as my friend and will be showing this to my husband

Secondly as awful as porn is don't make your husbands feel ashamed of hiding or lying about it it just makes them get deeper into the lie and shame.

Try to keep it open just point blank tell him its wrong because its effecting your relationship that simple and agree you are willing to work with him to end this FALSE EXPECTATION OF WHAT SEX IS ABOUT

If anyone reads this and disagrees... go right ahead do your porn thing and remember this that empty feeling you feel after the whole porn sex fantasy is over gets worse enjoy a big ZERO of real emotions real human contact real fulfillment

It might be so easy just to satisfy yourself but think of it as a big mac with fries type of fast food ...you will be hungry again way too soon and the animal within won't just stop there images will haunt you all day you can't look people in the eye and feel normal

Sounds like i know what i'm talking about yes i was one of the Masturbating victims back in high school. i took advice from a counsellor and gym teacher....they meant well but i didn't feel well after years of struggling to get out of it.

I just need more patience with my husband he seems to be deeper into his problem then i was alot more

[Raymond]

Very good post Alice.

I hope your husband get the message eventually. He is missing out.

Raymond

[loop]

Sorry To Hear What You Are Going Through .my Husband Also Likes The Porn And I Hate It. It Fills To Me That He Wants Better Younger And Fitter Bodys Than Mine Good Luck With It

[Alice Alice]

Dear Cara
I know exactly how you feel, its soo frustrating...i did the "act like a guy thing" its just isn't me and you may realize this too. Its enough to make a normal person do the craziest things.
This might sound unreal but pray he sees his wrong.
I told my hubby he is week and needs porn and dared him to go without porn or masturbating for just 3 days and only after he realized how difficult that was did he realize he had a problem. Porn is wrong in so many levels.
Hope your feeling better by the time you read this

[Raymond]

You are choosing to turn a blind eye and trying to make out it's only a little. It will have an affect in the long run. Its like having mental sex and drinking in other peoples bodies in the sexual act. I believe something is happening in the sexual area and your soul is affected, but you have read the threads and have to make your own choices.

Raymond

[emma Lewis]

Hey, this is the first time I have been on this website and the reason is because recently I found my boyfriend looking at porn on the internet while I was in the other room. I came through to the living room and to my disgust he was looking at all these images on the computer and when he saw me he clicked off so that I didn't know what he was doing. I confronted him about it and he said he "clicked on something by mistake" he later admitted that he looked for the site and that "every man does that". I then stupidly checked videos on his phone where I discovered there was porn videos which looked like a girl had videoed it herself. He said that someone at work sent him it as a laugh. He said that he has always done this, but it's the first I've known about it in the year and a half we've been together. What does this mean? Is he attracted to these girls? Is he not satisfied at home? Advice would be appeciated. Thanks

[emma Lewis]

Hey, this is the first time I have been on this website and the reason is because recently I found my boyfriend looking at porn on the internet while I was in the other room. I came through to the living room and to my disgust he was looking at all these images on the computer and when he saw me he clicked off so that I didn't know what he was doing. I confronted him about it and he said he "clicked on something by mistake" he later admitted that he looked for the site and that "every man does that". I then stupidly checked videos on his phone where I discovered there was porn videos which looked like a girl had videoed it herself. He said that someone at work sent him it as a laugh. He said that he has always done this, but it's the first I've known about it in the year and a half we've been together. What does this mean? Is he attracted to these girls? Is he not satisfied at home? Advice would be appeciated. Thanks

[Raymond]

What it means Emma is that he will be unsuitable for a long term marriage type of relationship. It is really an abuse of the sexual drive. He is building up habits now which will be hard to dump when it's time to get married etc. He is not having a relationship with these girls but the sexual drive is involved in what I would call a promiscious way. It is a cop out when he says that all men do it. All men do not do it. I don't know how old he is but it is not a good preparation with regard to a steady marital type relationship.

Raymond

[emma Lewis]

We have spoken openly about marriage where he has told me he wants to marry me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He is 35. He says he doesn't get off on the porn when looking on computer, he said it's more a curiousity thing. However it does still worry me why he looks at it and I certainly don't like the fact.

[Raymond]

He is deceiving himself Emma if he thinks it will not affect him. It definitely will in my opinion and it will play havoc with the intimate part of a marriage, as well as affecting his future wife in a negative way. It is a kind of mental adultery. Sex is sacred in a marriage and just between the husband and wife. I thought he was just a teenager messing about, but at 35 it is a lot more serious. Buyer beware I say.

Raymond

[juliek]

Hi, my husband has been chatting in chatrooms sexually and its makes me so sick. i have confronted him on numerous occations and he has admitted it in the end but ends up going back again. i have surggested councilling but he says he hasnt a problem please help!!

[Raymond]

Until he admits it's a problem Juliek he won't deal with it. You know it's wrong, I know it's wrong, but if he doesn't he won't deal with it.

By reading the threads on this site you will know how it can affect a marriage and hopefully, before he gets addicted, he will come to that view as well.

It is not your fault though so keep your self esteem intact. These things come from outside and affect the intimacy of a marriage.

Raymond

[juliek]

Thanks Raymond, but he has been doing this on and off for years and now my children have found out and its not fare they have been brought into it now. He said he has stopped and what i found on the pc was 3 months ago but even if it was 5 months ago he told me it had stopped then. i dont believe him has he has told me too many times now it will stop and i need him to face up to all this and go to see a counciller but do you think this will work as i havent really got the money to waste if its not going to work. At the moment its unbearable i cant stand him he sickens me so much.

[Raymond]

It is sickening juliek as it is mental adultery. I don't want to repeat everything I've said on these sites but basically marriage is a very sacred thing and sexual intimacy only belongs to you two alone. Once this is breached in a major way through adultery or persistent pornography there are problems. It will tend to defile what you have together. Sex is not just physical it is deeper than that and affects your spirit deep down as you probably sense anyway.

I don't think you have to waste a lot of money on this. It is a moral problem rather than a medical condition although it can be addictive. As I said before he is unlikely to ditch it unless he really means business. The thing can have a strong grip on him because he let it. It doesn't have a mind of it's own. He let it in gradually over time. Probably in ignorance. He thinks he can stop it easily but he cannot without declaring war on it. Which means analysing all the things which lead to it. He is going to need self control in not typing in those websites and connections he has got used to. I think a week away from the computer even if you have to go away would be a good start. It will create some space and clear his mind a bit ready to tackle the problem in earnest.

As a man I have been tempted but one doesn't have to enter into the temptation. As the prayer says lead me not into temptation. We will be tempted but we do not have to enter into it. As a christian the scripture that helps me is when Jesus said if any man looks on a woman to lust after her he has committed adultery with her in his heart already. Isn't this what pornography is?

A lot of men say all men do it, but that is just a cop out. It is not true. Really he has to face up to what it really is and how it is affecting his marriage. Basically it's not going to go away without a fight. Keep bringing it up at the appropriate time juliek. It is your enemy as well as his.

Raymond

[juliek]

Hi Raymond, Husband had agreed to go to see a counciller, hopes it helps as i cant really afford it. He is going on Wednesday so i will let you know what they say. Its so hard as i cant forgive him or get it out of my head this time.

[Raymond]

It is a good start if he is seeing a counselor Juliek. At least it shows that he admits there is a problem. I hope he gets the right advice. Whatever happens it is going to be a fight. Once he confesses it's wrong you should be ready to forgive if he is trying. He will need your co-operation in getting the victory over this.

Raymond

[juliek]

Hi Raymond,
Well my husband went to see a counselor last night. All day i was dreading it as he was in such a bad mood and didnt want to go and tried to get out of it but went. When he came back he was fine we spoke about it, but it was only the introduction so not much was said i dont think. He said the councelor said he must try and make time for each other and after a couple of weeks counseling she wants to see me also. I think i need to see her as i need to get a lot of my chest and he will have to listen to it. This is just the start of i hope is a new beginning but i can only give it this last go as i feel i cant walk away from this marrage at this present time. It is very hard at the moment living like this as we are not even kissing or cuddling and i dont know if i can even get that back. He has always had a low sex drive with me but i have just excepted that as years have gone on. I hope the counseling will help help us in always. Will let you know how i get on.

[Raymond]

I hope it works out Juliek and I hope the counselor speaks some sense. Getting rid of the porn for good will increase his sex drive over time after he has adapted to reality. You should get everything back and more once he has put to death this thing including in his mind. I hope the counselor is not too soft on him.

Raymond

[lizzzzie]

I'm going to stick my neck on the line here. Surely there is a place for porn in a relationship...if it is used as a playful and fun way? Men...as we all know...are turned on in a much more visual way than women and.... although we would all love our men to only get turned on by us...this is not going to happen....EVER! Listen, I'm not saying that porn is always a good thing...especially when men watch it in secret....but it can be integrated into a healthy sexual relationship if both partners are consenting. Women often feel betrayed that their men get turned on by watching others have sex, and I do think that some of the sex portrayed is undermining to women, but it can be a liberating experience to share in these fantacies with your man...to a point. Problems arise when porn takes the place of a loving and mutually satisfying relationship. If a balance is reached surely sex just gets better? Inibitions and social norms are the ruination of many marriages...and it's quite often due to the sexes not understanding what instigates arousal. I think if more of us got into the porn thing WITH our men there would be fewer divorses and less need for street workers. It doesn't matter how many years you've been with your partner...there is always a way to spice up sex. If boundaries (what you will and won't do) are put in place and you are able to really talk about what you want, how can you go wrong? I always think that a really turned on man is a really horny sight!
And before I get lots of disagreement...I have seen this argument from both sides and for years I had a complex about any form of porn!

[lizzzzie]

Hey there,

I am quite insulted actually by your remarks WifeofKanvas! You obviously have not read my whole story through - I am not a cold hard bitch in bed and have satisfied my husband in the past. :rolleyes: And no I am not 21 but I have a great body for being in my 30's. I intend to keep my self-respect and if my husband finds porn better than me then hey ho it is his loss!! Raine :cool:
OH COME ON! He dosn't find porn better than you! Men are just weird creatures who get turned on by visual effects. I really do believe that if you "give up" your inabitions and go with it...i.e. watch porn together and get adventurous....sex will go through the roof! Women always make the mistake of thinking that porn is a replacement for them...rubbish! If used properly...it can be a total enhancement! Your man is with you because he loves you. If you and him watch other couples having sex.....so what? He is not likely to go off with any of the actors....it might just improve your sex life in a very rewarding way. At the end of the day...can he compete with the male actors in the films? I very much doubt it!!!
Good luck x

[Raymond]

I don't think you know how men tick Lizzie if you think that porn spices up a marriage or whatever. From a man's point of view you will be introducing other women into the marriage or relationship. I think it would be undermining the relationship a couple have together. I have found that the best and most exciting sex is within the relationship, just the two of you, without the mental adultery you are advocating. Fortunately I have a wife who loves sex but is disgusted by porn. If she wasn't disgusted by it and advocated it like you I don't know where I would end up.

I don't think you undertand the visual tie a man can have with these images. It would be a sort of orgy that you were joining into. I think the opposite is true of what you are saying amazingly enough.

Raymond

[normal06]

hi..

Just joined today because I have the same problem as you..my new partner seems to have an obsession with internet porn..I have being seeing him for a year now and when he mentioned porn I told him I wasnt a prude and I have watched it in the past [just soft core stuff with my ex husband] but I didnt really need it..he then showed me what was available via the internet and I was totally horrified!! I have caught him 4 times now within the last year looking at this stuff and I am at my wit's end!!..it leaves you feeling inadequate and demoralised!! I keep saying " I am not good enough?" , " are my boobs not big enough??" etc...i dont think I can put up with this any longer and think i need to move on...he can live his life a sad lonely old pervert as far as i am concerned!!!

[mikeallen]

Hello. I am married and enjoy watching porn mainly to get ideas for things to try with my wife. She has watched some with me and it turned out to be very exciting. Maybe you can ask if you can watch together?

[Raymond]

You don't get it do you? Read this thread and think.

Raymond

[kyle82]

we need porn cause men are born maniacs.. lol.. well on the part of my masculinity, yeah wee need porn cause we are imaginative. most men are.. we want new fantasies and that's the only way to release it,... what would you prefer, us going for porn, or another partner.. lol.

[Michelle Richards]

Men don't need porn, they need a woman. Like people say it's just for the lonely people or, possibly men who don't want to commit or are not bothered about their girlfriends.

[Wren]

I have been with my partner for 8 years we don't live together as my ex has a share in the house and we don't have the money to buy him out.

My partner looks at porn sites every day and ejaculates over them. He also has pictures of previous girlfriends naked and very explicit. I am a Christian who has already had one bad relationship and is concerned about carrying on this one. He has changed how he stores his information on the internet as I deleted all the sites from his favorites late time.

I help him with his business and today he had left his computer open at some really horrible site. I know some would think I am a prude but I have tried today to explain that this to me is the same as being with a prostitute. The sites are generally topless women trampolining or playing darts he says it's because he likes "boobs" but it all seems to degrading.

My main concern in all this is that I have 3 children and they are very attached to him, thier own Dad left for another woman when they were only small, my youngest wasn't even born.

Also he thinks that it is not "real" porn as it's just topless girls what you'd see in the paper. How do I make him understand that what he is doing is really upsetting me and that i don't think i can live with it?

[Raymond]

Your husband deceives himself. He is lusting after other women and it is a mental adultery. No two ways about it. You are not a prude to think as you do. Theres no room for prudery in the bedroom when you are married, but this is something else that will take away from the bedroom without a doubt.

He is obviously not a christian from the way he is behaving.

Raymond