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Brokenhearted
5th August 2001, 06:41 AM
My wife asked for a seperation six weeks ago. She said she needed time to figure out where she was, that she didn't hate me but also didn't feel any love for me. She said the reasons were my lack of communication with her and her not feeling like she was number one in my life. We have three children very involved in sports year around and spend most of our time running from game to game. I told her that we had quit taking time for each other, and that we should work on the problem together and we would get through it. She insisted that the only way was for me to leave. I did to show her that I loved her and told her I would trust her that this is what she needs for us to work it out. We have been seeing a counsler every two weeks or so. I have worked very hard to learn the communication and listen skills that she said caused her feelings for me to go away. She seems to get a little close and will spend some time with me or talk quite a bit to me about day to day things but then she pulls away again. I found out two days ago that she has been having an affair that stated well before I moved out. She does not know that I know. My thought was to move back into our home while she was gone, and when she came home confront her and tell her that I Love her with all of my heart and I am home to take care of my children. That I still want to work things out if she is willing. Our counsler told me if I do that I will lose her, that we needed to move slowly and get her to admit to it on her own. In the mean-time I am to keep doing just as I have by showing her that I am committed to our marriage and to her. Continue to give her time and space and work through it in a gentle approach rather than charging in and giving her an ultimatim. I do love her with all my heart and want to make it work for us and for our family. Any advise would be helpfull. Thank you.

Kate
6th August 2001, 02:30 AM
I'm sure your counsellor is giving you wise advice. It sounds as if your wife was struggling with the deceit of what she was doing when she asked you to move out to give her space to sort herself out.

She needs to see that the active, giving love you have for her is much better than the shallow attraction of an affair. Your willingness to admit your mistakes and try and change, your willingness to forgive her and love her inspite of her mistakes will speak to her.

There are some good articles in the Infidelity (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) section of the site, which might be worth browsing. Sometimes it helps to know that we are not alone in what we are feeling and struggling with.

Dig deep into your heart, so you can go on loving her through this, because love is not just a feeling, it's an active commitment to want the best for the one we love. It is hard to be patient, but your marriage and your family are worth it.

Brokenhearted
6th August 2001, 09:02 AM
Kate:How I found out about thew affair was I was at the house to pick up my paycheck. I called `her at work and asked if that would be alright. I went up to our bedroom to get a bank deposit slip, I have been putting money in our joint account which she is still using,(she would not have thought I would look for a deposit slip) opened a drawer and saw a tablet laying on top that looked like one I have been writing in to release my frustration. When I opened it up and started reading the letter inside I thought at first it was to me. It was all about how much I love you and so on. when I got to the part about why she had taken off her rings and that she would not trade the five night they spent together for anything (She was on a buisness trip) and how she wanted to grow old with him. I knew it was not for me. Those are the same things she has always told me. This man is a coworker, and from things she said in the letter, seems to be resisting a commitment to her. I know how persuasive she can be and my fear is that the more time I wait the closer they will become. I do truly love her with all of my heart and will do what ever it takes to win her back. Not just for me but for our children as well. Please reply

Kate
6th August 2001, 01:32 PM
I'm sorry, but I can't go against your counsellor, because he/she knows the situation and both of you far better than I can from a posting.

We can be here to listen and to try and understand the pain you're going through. It must have been a horrendous shock finding out what had been going on.

No-one can look into the future and say that if you do "this" things will work out. What you are doing right now is facing up to the fear and pain of the possibility of losing her and that is bound to be tough and leave you feeling mixed up, uncertain and desperate to do something to prevent it. We always feel more secure and hopeful when we believe we have life under control, or are doing something to get it under control.

I expect if you challenged your wife now, she could be defensive and attack you for the way you found out about her. That might not be reasonable of her, but we don't always act calmly and logically where relationships are concerned.

If you want to talk it through further, why not see if you can see your counsellor again.

Keep in touch.

Kate

kkcrreed
9th August 2001, 04:33 AM
my advice is...leave her! i know that might sound a little harsh but dont be second to anyone!

most of the time when a spouse wants space and says i just dont love you anymore, they are invloved with someone else.

you are free from your marriage according to GOD, because of infedelity! take your chance and run like hell! dont be apart of her misery...because that will happen to her.

Kate
9th August 2001, 01:09 PM
I happen to think a marriage has hope after infidelity. If we all upped and ran when we were let down in this way, we'd be in even more of a mess than we already are. God may say we are free to leave when we are wronged by infidelity, but he also told us to forgive others as we have been forgiven by him, so the picture is not quite as simple as has been implied.

Brokenhearted, do whatever is in your heart to do. If you want to forgive her and fight for her, then don't be afraid to do so. There's pain ahead whichever route you choose, but there's also grace and hope.

kkcrreed
9th August 2001, 08:49 PM
well i beleive that he will be free a lot faster mentally and emotionally if he leaves her...than if he stays.

GOD did say to forgive and there is no reason why he shouldnt be able to forgive her and still leave...

i do agree that marriage is through better and worst times...and this is probably the worst thing that can happen in a marriage. its a emotional and physical drain on a person. i beleive GOD knows it and that's why he approves of divorce in this circumstance...The Lord is no fool...he knows the pain that people go through when infidelity occurs in marriages...so he acknowledges only one way out and if he premits divorce then surley there is happiness, peace and freedom that awaits.

on the other hand if one can see peace, happiness and freedom after an affiar and can forgive the other and work at the marriage then let it be....

Brokenhearted
9th August 2001, 10:39 PM
I have decided to return home this weekend, My laywer said don't tell her I know about the affair, just move home. I don't know if I can do that without confronting the affair. I am meeting with a minister/counsler from my church tommorow and will discuss it with him. I feel that it is time to go home, and she will then have to make the decision to stay or leave. If I don't discuss the affair with her I have no basis not to allow her to take my 10 year old son with her if she leaves. I do not want him exposed to the kind of life she has chosen if she leaves. If she stays the only way that will work is if she ends the affair and makes an honest commitment to trying and work on our marriage. I just recently came back to God and asked him to come into my life after a 30 year absence. My wife has said in the past couple of weeks that God must have a plan or all of this would not be happening. I hope that I can show her that God does have a plan, but he also lets us have our own free will. She needs to understand how God could touch her life if she will honestly accept him into her heart and life. Thank you all for your advice and please pray for my children, my wife and myself.

kkcrreed
10th August 2001, 04:21 AM
yes, you are right he has plans!
butt your wife doesnt know him right now.....for if she did she would not be having an affair.......its pure selfishness what she is doing...these people say they know God but in reality their hearts do not!

a plan, did you ever think God may have a plan for you....and maybe you need to go through this terrible time right now....so it can built a new person in you.....i have learned through my own experience that GOD can make something in your life good in the future from something terrible in the present. Trust him and let your wife free....she has a lot of problems at this time that she cause on her own and no one can get her out but herself.

Im not saying your wife doesnt deserve good! but he is not going to help you with your marriage because there is a sinner in the camp...she has to come to GOD and ask for a clean heart! and that is the scary part ......finding her way back without things being to late or causing to much damage.

all you can do is pray she seeks God and the only way he'll answer her prayers is if she stops the sin. Also, pray for yourself to make it through this bad time in your life. God is molding with pain....he can not get to you without you emotionally crashing with no one else to help you but him...he trying to get to you right now!
DONT BE FOOLISH AND NOT SEEK HIM!

i beleive you need to tell her that you know....dont let her get away with it.

my heart goes out to you and your family!

i've been there before....and i found my way back and it was a fight for my life. i lost my husband and almost my children...lucky i had a husband who didnt think of sharing this with the children. he knew i loved them dearly.....and that i was lost. he is now remarried and has a life he could never imagine. his devastation has turned into happiness he has never known......GOD had a plan and he road it out and lived day by day until all the pain was gone. Then he was blessed from the LORD and i mean blessed!
As for me i went through a mental breakdown that no one can ever imagine.....and came to GOD with a clean heart! its been 6 years since my divorce and its been 3 years since i gotten up from my big fall in life and started to live again.....happy, peacful, and free....lucky for me i didnt married the other man and only knew him for 6 months of my life.....but 2nd marriage from infidelity dont last....if they can even make it to marriage its not a happy one.