Cheating w/HIV

[Hurt]

I have been married for years now. I have 3 children I just a son. My husband and I are both positive, I became positive after I married him. He claims he didn't know. Well, I have accepted that I am undetectable and health thanks to God. Every year, my husband has cheated on me. He caught a STD last year, which shows he isn't using protecting in his state!! I was so embarrassed when I went to be checked out. He claims he doesn't remember this woman. We patched things up and I found out this week he has cheated on me again. I can't believe this. I listened to a voice message in his cell phone and call the woman back. She confirmed everything and I had all 3 of us on a call. He didn't deny anything. He has slept with her. She has herpes. I told her what he has, he told her I gave her this then, he lied and told her, I ONLY want him to be tested because I think he MIGHT be positive. I did the 3 way call again, but this time with our doctor on the phone to confirm everything I told her. I don't have a car and I can't pay rent by myself, I'm on his insurance, which I need to get my medication. I scared to be alone. I know noone will want me in my condition. A mother of 3 who is positive, I'm not like him I will tell the person. I'm attractive and smart (in a way) but still, who would want me? I don't want to be alone, I need companionship and a father for my children. If I wasn't in my current state and if I could provide for myself and children I would have been gone. I trick myself into believing I still love him. My mother tells me God can change things and my granddad says kick him to the curb. That's so easy for everyone to say, but they haven't been in my shoes. I don't want my kids to know my situation, they are young, and I don't want them to worry about me. He claims he still loves me, but how can I still have love for him? Is this real love? When we talk about breaking up I feel like my world is caving in on me, I love him to death, then I think how careless he was with the many lives (and I told the lady and him, if she is positive to press charges and I will testify) I told him he can kill people. It's like I'm in love with a serial killer. He is in denial, he hasn't accepted what he has. The way he talks and acts proves it. I called our doctor and told her, when we were 1st diagnosed she told me, he was in denial about this and she was very concerned. I don't know how I can still love this man, but part of me does. He has done so much to me, I would be typing for days. I don't know why it took my husband to give my this disease, the man I loved and waited for all my life has taken mine. I had 2 children before I met him and the last one is ours, is not positive thank God! I think sometimes I am crazy, everthing seems fuzzy to me. She calls me and tells me all this stuff he loves her and this and that. I tell her, did you hear what I said he has? What you have even though you never had any break outs can hurt me and other people. You knew he was married, I was pregnant and you still messed with him, you are just a dog like him, but I don't want you to be hurt like me with this disease. His family doesn't know his health status, if his mother knew it would kill her she's old and ill. Telling one person, would be like telling her. But at least 4 people (relatives and friends) that comes to my house and eat my food and looks me in my face, knew her and knew he was cheating on me. He took her to a party and took pictures and everything. I don't know what kind of woman I am to still love and need a man like him. He has brought me down, sentence me to a life of death and I feel like my world is crumbling under me. I wish I had the strength to leave him. I'm scared. As always, I have taken him back (not that he ever left) and am trying to deal with this card I have been dealt. She called me and she he told her he was not leaving home, lucky me I said. What do I do? We just had our anniversary 2 weeks ago. I don't know how much I can take. I haven't eaten all week, my heart is so broken, with or without him.

[Kate]

Hurt,

I feel totally inadequate to reply to you - you are facing so much heartache and fear.
Underneath the practical issues I sense a whole range of emotions. The hurt from the way he has behaved, the fear for the future, the desire to rebuild your marriage and a longing to see your husband behaving as the person you believe he can be, if he can face the issues in his life. Remember love is not just a feeling. Whenever you forgive him, whenever you want the best for him, you are loving him in action.

At present if he is unwilling to sort himself out, then you can still seek support yourself. You might find a counsellor some help to talk through your options. Do you want to continue living with your husband, what is your situation legally and financially etc. If you can identify what some of the important issues are, you can try and talk to your husband about those. Perhaps you think the most important thing is honesty and trust between you. Perhaps the issue for you is that you need him to show that he loves you in some particular way. Only you know what these issues are.

I have found a list on the web of US support lines for HIV positive people here (http://www.ama-assn.org/special/hiv/support/support.htm). In the UK you can ring the national helpline on 0800 567123. If you are not in the US or UK you can try searching the net or ask your doctor.

You mention God, and your faith is something that can help you through these difficult times. When facing such tremendous difficulties, it is important to find trusted Christian friends who can pray with you and love and support you.

Try to identify one or two steps you can take and take things one at a time. Take care of your health too - your children need you.

Keep in touch

Kate

[Hurt]

Thank you Kate for your reply. Your kind comments were very helpful. Since, my last note a string of events has happened. My husband went over the woman's house and talked to her for 2 hours offering support and to tell her the truth. He told me he wanted to work our marriage out. Well, during the week I have been reading articles to try to help me and understand this. I tried to talk to him, but he has been out with my son for football practice and his brother in law mom passed he has been over their house. I asked him yesterday to spend time with me because I was having a hard day emotionally. His brother called him out to bring our disk card over and he left at 8:40 and didn't return until 10. I have been sick, my I needed him to help me and be there. I cried telling him how it hurt me he didn't come right home. I told him I need him to open up and talk to me, I feel so insecure and I need him. I have no one else I can go to. He told me why do I have to talk about the same thing over and over, it's in the past and he can't bring it back. He said he's trying to forget and move on and I shouldn't keep harping on the past, if I forgive him. I told him I need him there to help me through this. He then said, "Your killing me, your're crowding me, I'm not that type of person." I ran out of the room and cried, he came in trying to say something, but I said I know what I have to do now and it's over. He never came back to talk or this morning he didn't say anything to me, he hasn't called. That hurt me so deeply, like a knife stabbing me, all I can think about is how he made time for this other woman. I keep hearing that over and over in my head. I don't care about what I do or don't have anymore. I must leave him now after that. I am scared but how can I be with someone who doesn't love me. He couldn't if he said that. I did tell him in detail what I needed and expected from him to get ME through this. He promised me he would be there and after seeing the mother in law pass, it made him realize a lot of things. Then he says, this to me last night. I am so hurt inside, why has he wasted my time. I know when we do talk, he say, I am right to leave him and he just can't change so this is best. I'm trying to prepare myself for that. How do I respond to that. He'll say he tried, but he hasn't. He said he would never hurt me but he still continues to be cruel and hurtful. Due to my situation, I keep the "back door" open, because again, who would want to deal with me, I don't want to be alone. I was so strong before all of this, he has stripped and taken away everything from my health to my dignity and accomplishments in life. I was so independant and secure I owned my home at 25, had a car, a good job, me and my kids were so happy, until I allowed him to come into my life and totally destroy me and everything I worked for. I will try to get counselling, I know I need it, I don't want to get depressed. I know my children need me. I keep telling my self things will be better in time. But, every second hurts me thinking about how much I loved and sacrificed for this man and this is all I have to show for it. I would have never had another child if I had known he would have done this to me. He begged me to have another child, I didn't want to raise another child alone. Please pray for me, I pray God helps me to get through today. I just keep remembering what he said about me killing and crowding him, hoping that will give me the strength to end this.

[Kate]

Dear Hurt,

Please don't do anything rash. You are very hurt and feeling insecure and alone from what you say and it is very easy to react on the basis of your feelings.

Your husband may well be feeling crowded by the situation, and that is not wrong, that is just a fact. Your feelings and his feelings arise in response to what is happening and they are a sign of who you are inside, your emotional needs and your attitudes. In themselves they don't have moral value, nor are they very good guides to what decisions to make.

The way he has acted has been wrong, but you will not come through this by rejecting him further. He is also struggling in his own way to sort out his life and make sense of things and it helps if you can keep this in mind. I know it's difficult. When I have been badly hurt, all I tend to see is how the other person has hurt me and my own pain and I lose sight of the other person.

It is good he has been able to go and explain to the other woman and own up - that is what you wanted, isn't it? His relationship with you is more complicated and if you are expressing your own needs very strongly and expecting (even perhaps demanding?) him to support you, that may be harder to respond to. Even just reading your posting I can sense the pent up anger, frustration and hurt, so it must be a dauting thing to meet face to face. It will take a lot of courage and wisdom for him to know how to be supportive and caring to you. I'm not saying he's right to say you should be over things by now, but I can understand that if you pressure him, he will find it hard to know how to respond. It's over-simple to say he can't love you or he would act differently. We can ask ourselves if what we are doing reflects the level of our own love.

You talk about wanting him to change, but it's not simply a matter of this situation is his fault and if he becomes someone different everything will be ok. You have to work in a marriage with the material you have. Right now, neither of you are fully aware of your own or even each other's resources, because of the conflict and hurt.

The value of counselling is that you can come to terms with your own hurt and feelings, so that they don't continue to fuel the conflict between you. You asked me to pray for you and I have. Have you actually taken all your hurt, disappointment and fear to God. He wants us to be open with Him and acknowledge that in fact He is the only one who can fulfil our deepest longings and needs and that in this broken world that may not be this side of heaven, but that He has a way forward for us and a purpose and plan for our lives. It is there that you will find healing and hope and the grace to forgive and make a fresh start with your husband. Walking away with the hurt between you unresolved will just bury it to re-surface later and affect all your relationships.

Kate

[Hurt]

Dear Kate,

Thank you for you reply. You have said the exact same thing my mom has said to me!! I went to a funeral this weekend and the pastor spoke and forgiving and unconditional love. I know this process begins with ME. I have brought my issues to God and I have a lot to give up. I still find myself peeking in his cell phone, which isn't trusting God. I have a lot to deal with and a lot of inner work to do or let God do I should say. I can't do anything without him. I guess I was expecting my husband to "kiss my butt" or give me the same response I would have done if I was the one who did what he did. My guilt would consume me and I would do ANYTHING to make him feel better, if it was me. Not, that he doesn't feel that way ( I don't know) but, I was wrong to expect him to react the way I would. I just expected him to show a little remorse, but as you said he's dealing with this in his own way. It's hard and I do have a LOT of anger, jealousy, resentment and hurt built up inside me. I have to deal with these feelings or they will add coals to the fire. I don't know why this has happened to me, I just have to believe in the verse that says, God doesn't give you more that you can handle. I learned that you don't heal and things don't get better all in ONE DAY. There really isn't a time limit for the answer to this. Just one day at a time and a lot of praying.

I'll keep in touch. Thank you again for your support and prayers, Kate.

Healing formerly known as Hurt

[Unregistered]

Update: I have my good days and bad days. My husband has tried for a couple of weeks to give me what he thinks I need. I know this isn't really his character or in his heart, because this week he is acting like his old self. Last week he was lovey dovey and kissing me now he greets and kiss our baby and barely speaks to me. He forgot to pay the gas bill and the gas got cut off, now that one thing has caused a dominoe effect on everything, I have to find a way to get groceries, car payment, rent, phone - everything. He has a doctor's appointment on 8/30 I really want to call our doctor and tell her what he has done. About the part of him having affairs and not protecting himself or revealing to them his state. She was concerned he was in denial due to the way he responded to the news he was positive. He at one time has stopped taking his meds. I am concerned because the last time he had an affair, I was very clear on telling him how he could kill someone and if he had to do this again to just use protection. That really concerns me, he might need professional help, and our clinic does offer it. But I don't know how (even if I should) approach this to her, without him knowing. He would never go back to her again and would fell I betrayed him. I just think he needs help in dealing with this. I have begun to wonder if he because of his actions, if he knew he had this and gave it to me, he denies this of course. He's living in some kind of fantasy world. I just don't know if I can deal with this. I want to ask him questions about the affair, what she looks like, how in the world can he be intimate with someone, things I know that won't build me up but I want to know. He is like a person with 2 personalities, one day, he's in love with me yesterday he left me this beautiful message about how he loves me and wants our marriage to work blah, blah blah... then when I got homw and told him how I loved his message, he had this "whatever" attitude. I tried to give him a kiss and he looked at me and said "what are you doing" last night he was supposed to be going to his friend to watch a football game and came home about 1 am. I am so confused. His words and actions are making me that way. I try to build a barrier to protect myself because everytime I fall for his mush and let my barriers down and begin to trust him, I get hurt. Yes, I pray, but I'm tired and I guess my hope is gone. I've been so hurt and I experience so many emotions, I'm angry one minute, I hate him the next, I love him, I feel I have made a mistake. I feel he's a little crazy. I really want to know do I have the right to inform my doctor of his actions as far as not revealing his status to others. I can't tell him I would do this. That's not an option. She does talk to me about her concerns about him. She told me due to his lab work she knows he hasn't been taking his meds and she told me she kind of scared him a little into being more diligent in taking them. So, we do talk about him - in his best interest. I haven't told her about the other affairs, I figured he wouldn't do this again. Things just pop in my mind, what if he had gotten her pregnant? He hasn't thought of those things because the only thing I can believe is that he's in denial. She supposedly was tested last Friday, but he hasn't told me if she called. I'm sure if she is positive I will find out. He claimed she said she wouldn't press charges if she is. I try not to look in his cell phone for messages but I just can't trust him. I have done good though with that. What do you think?

[Kate]

Dear Hurt

Good to hear from you again. life's still pretty toughfor you, isn't it. Your husband is very unpredictable at the moment. Have you done anything about getting some counselling and advice locally? It would help even if your husband is "in denial" about his problems.

As to talking to your doctor, I don't know what the legal situation is locally for you, but I think you can tell your doctor about your concerns for your husband, but he/she will not necessarily be able to discuss him with you. You could ask him/her whether you can come and talk to hre about your concerns and if they are a good doctor they will tell you what is acceptable and what is not. She may also be able to refer you for counselling help.

Is your husband still seeing this woman, or only contacting her over the medical issue? Or perhaps you don't know and that is adding to your anxieties. Since you mention the difficulties around trust, you might find the article (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/trust/) about it useful to clear your thoughts a bit and perhaps give you some tips for a way forward.

[Hurt but healing]

Hi everyone,
Just to give an update. Things are pretty much the same. I have just changed my attitude. I have realized I can't let my husband's attitude define how I will react for the day. Also, I am very proud of myself this morning, I didn't fall into his "traps", I call them. He was suppose to come home last night in order to cut my hair he left at 8 and didn't return until 12. My normal reaction would have been to have an attitude and not talk to him. Yes, I am angry that he didn't do what he said he would and even though I told him I would be angry if he didn't come back at a decent time. I was my old self this morning, I didn't allow him to create unecessary "drama" for me. It felt SO good when I told him, I'm not having any mess in my day today. He tried to give me some lame excuss, but I politely told him, that's ok and today is a new day and what he did yesterday is over. Yes, I was a upset, but I didn't let it consume me. I still have a lot to deal with, but I have come to the realization that no matter what happens to me, the world will still go on. I will still have to work, I will still have to be a mother to my children, I will have to survive, regardless. I did it before and I can do whatever I need to do to be a survivor in this world.

I would also like to thank everyone for their prayers for my country during this time. I live in Detroit, Michigan where they have found several people linked to the WTC incident. There are many Arab Americans in my city and things are tense, due to people's ignorance and judgements, please continue to pray for us, somehow I just feel this isn't over.

[Hurt but healing]

Hello,

Well this has been a tough week for me. Saturday, after about dealing with over 2 weeks of moodiness from my husband I decided to try to talk to him and see what's going on. One week, I'm sweetheart and the next I'm a B*tch, one week he wants to combine our checks to pay the bills on time, last week, he wants he own check to do whatever. My week that he's suppose to spend time with, he won't because I'm going to a "club, club" and he's going to a bar with his friend and it's a difference between the two. He's gambling again and staying out late, never calls or tell us where he is. My son had a birthday dinner and he was gone from 8am and return in the middle of our dinner at 6pm - from the smell he was in a casino. So, I tried to talk to him about this and how he isn't keeping his part in the decision to try to work things out. All I received back was cruel remarks, him acting like he can't hear or understand what I was saying. Trying to frusterate me by constantly saying "huh" or "what did you say" We haven't been intimate for almost 3 weeks and I ask him was there a problem? He said he doesn't want to be intimate for a long long time and it's not a problem with me. I said well what about my needs and he told me I waited before when I wasn't married so I can wait now or go and do whatever I need to!!! I said that would make me like you and I'm nothing like you, he said well the marriage would be better if I was. I needed to learn to switch it off and on and I wouldn't be so upset about everything. Then he told me to go and get ready so he could drop me off to the club (my friend was giving a surpise b-day party for her husband and I asked him to go with me) and put something sexy on, get drunk and have some man pick me up!!!!! He said he doesn't want to talk to me we have nothing to talk about, and everything is ok, but I keep bringing Things up that causes problems. I need to learn to chill out and let him come out of his moodiness when he's ready. I pointed out he isn't moody or cruel to his friends, he hangs out with them and talk and laugh with them on the phone, goes out and spends time with them. Then when he's with me he turn into this cold person. He claimed that wasn't true. He said he just doesn't have anything to talk about. Then he said I have things on my mind things I'm trying to work out. Well, I said maybe if you talked to me and let me know what's up I would feel better, because when I see you joking and laughing and staying out and partying you don't seem like you have alot on your mind. WHich I doubt is the truth. His cousin even told me out of the blue, he has tried to talk to him because he's getting out of hand, I didn't ask what that meant, but I don't know how much more of him I can tolerate. I'm having bad thoughts about him now and I don't want to hurt him or hate him. I would like to get away. I hid his work clothes in the garbage the other day, and I didn't cook him enough dinner, (why should I anyway when he comes in at the crack of dawn), I threw away his underwear and set them on fire. I don't want to play these games but, he's pushing me and I feel like a timebomb ready to explode under all this mess he's put me through over 5 hellish years. I haven't done anything to deserve this, he has runined every aspect in my life and my health, he's not even sorry about my health. He said I should have used a rubber, well we were married!!! I don't expect him to kiss my but, if I knew I gave my spouse a fatal disease, that alone would make me want to make sure their life was pleasant. Everyone says oh you'll find someone else. Well I don't know anyone in their right mind that would want to be involved with someone like me. I'm young and attrative and I don't want to be alone, (not bragging) but I guess I figure if he leaves I will be alone and no one will want to be with me. Honestly, I don't know if I could be with someone under my circumstances, so I don't expect for anyone to want to be with me - I'm used goods, 3 kids each by different dads, bad health problem, no money, bad credit, just barely making it. He has ruined me and I hate him for that and I hate the fact he treats me like trash. I hate that I let him. Then he belittles me even more by saying it's my choice to stay in this marriage, and I said yes I choose to stay based on what WE decided to make an effort to work on our marriage. He said he was in a different mood at that time and then he did meant it. It's like he's schizophrenic, I really am beginning to believe he might have mental problems, the way he switches moods and by him being in denial of his health problem that would cause him to have several unprotected affairs that could lead to harming someone or even causing pregnancy. He uses the his car against me but when it's time to pay the car note it's our car. Since he decided to jack off his check last week, now we're it will be 2 months behind. I told him to pay it and I'll pay the rent, he keeps putting it off. He use to be so good with the money, I would have trusted my kids money with him, now you can't pay me to give him my money. Before my house mortage was 2 times less what we're paying and he was working steadily and could affort to hide his gambling and still pay the bills. Now every penny counts since he's working 3-4 days. I'm thinking about getting a second job so, I can get on my feet and leave him. I can be poor by myself and I don't need anymore misery. I feel so ugly and used and deceived. I never thought he'd do these things to me. He made me feel so loved, and beautiful and wanted, desired - and he was cheating. Now, he doesn't even try, I said why don't you call me at work or let's go out to dinner and create some romance, he said it's not the same. Then in a couple of weeks, he'll snap out of this mood and say he didn't mean any of this and I know he loves me and I'm not going anywhere, he'll be nice for a couple of weeks and then it will start all over again. I'm so tired mentally and emotionally of this. I don't feel comfortable in my own home when he's there now that he acts like this. I sleep in the kids room or in the cold basement and he doesn't care. He's so cold and unsensitive. On top of that I'm about a few days late, I had my tubes tied, I will die if I'm pregnant by this maniac. I pray to God stress is making me late. Which isn't good for me healthwise, I just need to get away from everything and everybody, I get no help from him with the children or the house (only when he's having company)he's only nice when it suites him. I am so unhappy but scared to jump off of this mountain of hell. I know if I can get the courage to jump, my life and my children's lives will be much better. I just don't know how to get the courage to do that. I told him I need the car so I can go to counselling and he told me I'm not wasting miles on his car for that stupid sh*t. I've tried marriage counselling which he only went twice with our pastor and he said it didn't help anybody. All it did was expose our business to other people and he will be angry if he knows I'm doing that again. Now I will feel like I'm sneaking to get help for myself. He justs takes everything away from me. That's why I so thankful for your forum, it gives me a chance to get all this out and read your responses. Help me!!!!!!! I don't have anymore tears to cry, I don't have anymore strength to fight, I can't beg anymore, I don't have any extra tricks up my sleeve, I don't have anymore prayers to pray, I have nothing, I feel like a shell that has had all the life sucked out. Empty inside. I can't talk to anyone, no one will ever understand, this is so overwhelming no one has anything helpful to say to me anyway. It drains people. So I stay to myself and keep it inside. It's embarrassing to tell people this anyway about me and N. I used to be so strong and smart, now I have let this man bring down to the lowest I have ever been. He has never loved me and that's what make this so puzzling, I have given him every opportunity to leave, unless he's staying with me for the same reason I stay, which scares me. I did love him, I would still love him if I knew we would try to work on this marriage. Well, thanks for letting me release all this built up in me. I'm at work and I better get working, please people, friends reading this PLEASE pray for me. Please remember me and my family when you cry out to God. I haven't anymore strength to go on, I'm so tired. Thank you.......

[Kate]

Dear Hurt,

I managed to read your posting soon after you'd posted, but due to circumstances, I haven't been able to reply until now. I have been praying for you in the meantime.

Life sounds very confusing and difficult. Sometimes we come to the "end of ourselves". I wonder what makes you keep going. Sometimes it's the ordinary things of the day, isn't it, like doing our job, or getting a meal for the children. Perhaps concentrating on the simple things of life, the needs of the children, the joys of seeing them growing up, even the sunshine or the world around us, helps us. I don't know. Sometimes when I'm down it's these simple things that bring me out from my hopelessness and despair and give me some sense of perspective on life. Nothing I've had to face seems as tough as what you're facing, but at the time our own personal pain can seem overwhelming and the only thing in life.

I wonder if there's anything good and valuable in your life right now, to give you that hope and inspiration to keep going. Try lifting your eyes from the mess even just for a few moments - like taking a sip of water on a hot thirsty day. The problems won't go away, but perhaps you'll find just enough strength to take the next step along the road, and, if you believe, then you need to trust that your Lord is in the painful times with you. He doesn't want this mess for you and if you know he loves you, you must believe he's hurting for you too. Next time you're waiting up for your husband to come in why not sit quietly and ask the Lord to speak to you. You may have tried this, but don't give up. The bible's also full of promises to you - his presence with you, his Spirit, your future with him free from pain and sickness and many more...........

Sometimes all we can do is stand and hold on to what we cannot see, but still believe.

With love

Kate

[summerdai]

Kate,
Thank you for your reply. I just keep going that's all. I don't think about it too much or I would crack. I put on a act and smile and lie to people and myself, instead of screaming out "I'm horrible today, help me, tell me what to do!!!" I put it in the back of my mind until it's time for me to go home. I look at other people and wish I were them and say to myself nobody would want to be me. Not even me. My kids need me, and I can't do anything foolish. When I was a little girl, I never thought in a million years that my husband and my life would turn out like this. I often wonder why God allowed this to happen to me. My mom said sometimes we bring things on ourselves. This is my punishment/consequence for having premarital sex with my husband. If so, having this disease is enough for me, now the man who ruined my health is now also allowed to ruin my life. Through everything I have loved him and tried to stand by him. I read the things that make a Christian marriage and I have done all those things, forgave, patience, etc. It has got me nowhere. I know God loves me and he doesn't have to do another single thing for me, because he gave me his only Son for my sins. He's sustained my health. I just thought that me and my husband would be sealed together and this would stregthen us and our love. It just hurts me to know he no longer loves or respects me and can easily be so cruel and hateful and think nothing of it. Yesterday, I asked him for his share of the rent money. He hasn't given me nothing for two weeks and he told me in a very sarcastic tone "you can't get water out of a rock" and he ain't got it. And I should have my own money saved so use that. Now, I can't even depend on him to give me $45 for the babysitter. It just keeps going on and on and on. If I could just have one day of peace and happiness. I do try to escape, like yesterday I took my boys for a walk, I love to walk and look at the trees and flowers and we talk. But then it's time to go back and I hate it. Now I feel like a prisoner in my own home. He comes upstairs , I go down, he's here, I go there. I feel strange sleeping in my own bed. The silence between us when I have to drive him to work is unbearable. I don't know if what I will say will cause an arguement, so I don't say anything unless I have to. I do say hello and bye, but yesterday he slammed the door in my face. He didn't use to be this way. He loved me so much and helped my self-esteem. He would give me cards the day our wedding fell on every month. I would come home and find roses on my pillow. He would take me everywhere and was so proud to show me to his friends. We would take baths together and talk. When it would be a bad snow storm or rain he would be standing in the door, watching out for me and would run out to the car and hug me and say I was so worried about you. Yes, we had our problems but I always felt loved and trusted him. He was the only dad for my two sons that wasn't his. When I had to work late, he would pick them up, cook for them , help them with their homework and wait up for me - he did that for about a year for my children and me. He would give me his last dime and buy me wonderful gifts. These are just some of the wonderful things he did for me, what made me love him so much. Slowly througout the years, I found out about the women, the gambling, the lies - he is an excellent habitual lier. Stealing from me and my kids. Fighting, verbal and physical even when I was pregnant, Cruetly, will just pick anything to start an arguement,one time it got so bad I jumped out of our car in a busy street and could have got hit, and walked home. God was truly with me that day. I keep asking myself, what happened? He could have left the first, second or third and even this last time he cheated on me. The first time neither of us knew about our health problems. I don't understand why he's still there. I ask him over and over why are you still here and you don't want this type of life. You like the street life so I have given you plenty of opportunities to leave and you still come back and things get worse. He has no answer, I was so strong then I could deal with him leaving. I just look at him and think he hates me and thinks I'm a fool. He called me that for staying with him, he says this is my choice to stay with him, so deal with whatever comes in a day. Yesterday, after him telling me he doesn't want to make love to me, he tried to pull my dress and I snatch it away from him, and he said see that's what I'm talking about. I thought what, what did I do, you tell me one day you don't want me and after 3 weeks this is how you approach me to make love. Pull my clothes up like I'm nothing, and when you feel like having me at any time you can. He used to love to make love to me, more than I could stand, but I did it. Now, he acts like I'm nothing. How can you turn someone off and on like that? How can you love me one day and hate me the next? My heart hurts so bad, I look at people who are married for a long time and wish I could have the same thing. Even after all this mess I don't love him like I used to but I still love him. I feel like a fool for loving him. I look at our son, and my heart cries, I don't want him to be without a father, I look at my sons, I don't want them to see this man physically and mentally abuse me and think this is how to treat a woman. He "punishes" me by kissing the baby while I hold him and he'll say I love "you" and I want to kiss "you", he won't say anything to me, but all of a sudden will call my son from his job and talk to him thinking that will hurt me. Well it does, it hurts because I would love to have that attention. I would love to have that man back who brought me flowers and we would lay in bed and play footsy. 5 years I have endured all of this. One person has defined my whole life in just 5 years. I think that is so unbelievable. I spent my whole life struggling, having my mother's brother sexually moleste me from the age of 6 until 12 and NO ONE did A THING. Just swept it under the carpet. They didn't want him to go to jail. I hated my mom and grandparents for that. But I forgave them and my uncle, I have let men ever since dog me. Being a single mother at 16 on my own, my parents never helped me in anything. I had to drop out of college and get on welfare to support us. I went to school and at 25 things looked up for me, I bought a house, owned my car, had a good job I loved (the job closed down) and life was good for me and my boys. Then I met him........

[summerdai]

Well, things got from bad to worse, but they can only get better. Last Thursday after work, I came home and he seemed to be in a pretty good mood. He told me he was going to take the rent to the landlord and when he came back he was still in a good mood. He said the landlord was charging us a $25 late fee. I said he shouldn't because I had the money on rent day but he wasn't home. So I picked up the phone to call him and see if I could straighten this out. I walked in my older son's room to call (why I don't know) and he followed me. I only got a few words out to the landlord and he snatched the phone from my ear. I asked him why did he do that and don't do it again. I called the landlord back and asked him about the late fee, well my husband called him behind my back and told him we wouldn't have the money on time. When I repeated what he said, my husband snatched the phone again and yelled at the landlord to come get his money that night and hung up. This time I went in our room and asked him what was his problem and not to snatch the phone from me and don't act like this in front of the kids. He got furious and screamed that he is the man of the house and don't go behind his back talking to men and when he says I can't use the phone I better listen. I took the phone and tried to go in the basement and he snatched it and tore the landlords number from my book and jabbed my forehead and said I better not make any more calls. I slapped him and he slapped me back knocking me into me son's room. My son came out and tackled him and told me don't touch me again. Then to make a long story short, we all started fighting. I called the police and they arrested my husband for fighting us and took him to jail. I filed charges against him and obtained a Personal Protection Order. He called me from jail and was trying to charm me. He was as sweet as honey, saying after I drop the charges to come get him. I told him the only thing I was dropping was him and he said he didn't do anything. Well we had a few more words and I hung up. He got out Friday and I was able to serve the PPO to him while he was in jail. He sent his cousin over to get his clothes and I told everybody what happened so they will not be deceived by his lies. Which he did try to do, cover up the truth about him and how he treats his family. It feels like a ton of bricks have been lifted off my chest. My home is so much peaceful now. I am still a little jumpy because I have his car and he called for it. He knows I can't go to work without it and he has a way to work, and I have the kids and the baby. He didn't even care, which I don't expect him too. I am in the process of trying to work out other means of transportation and hopefully will return his car by this week. I bought a steering wheel bar just in case he sends someone to try to take it, if the repo people don't come first. He didn't pay the bill last month, I had my portion of the car money but he wouldn't contribute his and I can't pay everything. I can't afford the car, I was hoping to get a used one anyway, but right now since I have the house I MUST keep working. I plan on filing for divorce. My son has no respect for him and I can't be with a man that will beat on me and my child. There is nothing left in this marraige to try to rebuild. He has so many issues. And the bad thing is his family knew all these things and never said anything to me. The gambling, the physical abuse the all knew it. They just hoped he had changed. I still haven't said anything about his health, I'm not sure if I should or not, since he is so careless with it by having affairs. Someone will end up killing him if he doesn't get some help. But he is no longer my concern. I have to stay strong for my kids. I pray this is the last of the long episode of pain of this level I will endure at least for a while. I would like to be really happy for a chance. Maybe even fall in love again. I still haven't come on yet, I hope I'm not expecting. My mother said it could be stress, we'll see. Please pray for me, I'll need it more than ever. Thank you.