Help me to leave him for good

[ESM]

I am so depressed. I have just left (3 days ago) my partner of 3 years due to his continuing erratic behaviour.

I am a professional business woman of 40 and met my partner a couple of years after my divorce.

At first things were great he was always the life and soul of the party and liked everyone. Everyone all my friends etc thought he was great. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was.

My son and daughter were living with me when we met and when my partner stayed over he would complain about my children’s inconsideration for me. My daughter was 16 and in her last year of secondary education and my son was 19 then and working full time. My son used to come in late and wasn’t particularly quiet (probably due to the fact that everyone else in the house were deep sleepers and never asked him to be quiet). I guessed that my partner must be a light sleeper so I asked my son to be more considerate when ever he came in late. Then there was a problem because my son brought his girlfriend home late one night and hadn’t asked me (he had brought her home before and I wasn’t particularly bothered) so again I suggested to my son that it would be courteous to ask beforehand, really to keep my partner happy not me. Sadly the list of complaints and issues went on and on and now three years later my children both live away from home and avoid visiting me when my partner is around.

Our relationship deteriated and my partner started to lash out violently. First furniture would be destroyed and then a couple of times he lashed out at me (not seriously but enough to really scare me). He was always really sorry and said it wouldn’t happen again and I felt that as I was not actually being hurt physically (apart from a bruise or two where he may have held me too hard or pushed me) that with time and understanding things would get better.

Well the bottom line is that they haven’t. I now know that my partner suffers from depression and has done for many years. I recognise that this is an illness and felt that it was my problem too and it was up to me to help him through the difficult times – whatever the price.

My son and his girlfriend ran into financial difficulties and I offered them a place to stay (with their small child) in a flat that I owned, separate to my partners and my home. Well, this was absolutely the worst thing I could have done according to my partner. He said that my son had to learn to stand on his own two feet and get himself out of any mess he got himself into. I disagreed and the problems between us escalated until one day he grabbed my son by the throat and told him to stop relying on his mother to sort out his problems.

I was upset, confused but was convinced by my partner that my son had provoked him and that if I didn’t ask him to move out that I would damage his development. My son and his girlfriend separated (due to unrelated issues) and when my son was on his own in the flat, I followed my partner’s advice and asked him to move out.

A few months passed and my son went through a tough time (due to his split up). He got very down and lost a couple of jobs and run up some debt (not serious). I wasn’t able to support him in the way I would have liked as my partner was always there, watching my every move or listening to my phone call as he knew my son wanted me for something and that would be the start of the next fight. I helped my son but it had to be behind my partner’s back, in secret.

I had to take this same approach every time my daughter asked for help and my partner feels that I support her more than I should. She works for me and lives in the flat that my son moved out of. He keeps saying things to me like, the flat should be used for your other staff as an incentive to them. You are too soft on your daughter, she should have savings by now, you subsidise her life and all she does is have a good time at your expense, etc, etc.

Any issues that we have with our relationship are almost always blamed on my children.

Anyway things came to a head a couple of evenings ago. I walked out following a row and broke down – I was so upset (more than usual) and I told my partner that I need some space to sort myself out.

Whilst I was away, my partner drank copious amounts of alcohol and stormed into my daughter’s home and started hurling abuse at her and the manager of my business who also lives there. He kicked things around accused them both of ruining our relationship – grabbed my daughter by the throat and terrified them both. They were so scared that after he left they called the police.

I was oblivious until I got a phone call from my son later that evening asking me what had happened!

Anyway, my Manager has now given me her notice and my daughter has said that she will never some round to my house again so long as he (my partner is there). I haven’t been home since and feel that now enough is enough.

I’ve told my partner that I am not coming home. He is sending me e-mails, flowers, photos of us ‘happy together’and texts saying how sorry he is.

Why is it so hard? I know that I love my partner and feel like I want to forgive him when I speak to him on the phone but I can’t carry on like this.

My children have said that they will be there for me whatever my decision.

How do I stay strong?

[MPM]

I’ve always thought that it’s a lot harder to be the one who leaves (when it’s not straight into the arms of another waiting in the wings) than it is to be left.

You don’t say whether you have actually walked out before or given any indication that he has scared/upset you to the point where you no longer want to continue the relationship?

Harassing your manager & daughter is totally unacceptable, and it seems he’s trying to blame everyone else but himself. From an outsiders point of view he sounds like a control freak and yes, this could be a consequence of his depression. As you will read on this & many other boards, unless your partner admits he has issues that need addressing then there’s not much else you can do about that.

He seems constantly threatened by your relationship with your children and appears to have consistently tried to tell you how to treat them and has tried to manipulate you into thinking that he’s doing it for your benefit.

I imagine your partner is now very scared that he’s pushed you too far and is using every trick in the book to get you back, therefore it’s up to you whether you want to give it another go. If you do go back I’d like to hope it’s the wake up call he needs but there’s always the chance that initially he will be all hearts and flowers but then will revert back to his controlling ways.

You have the love & support of your family which I hope will guide you through the dark times and I hope that taking control of your own life & making your own decisions will empower you further.

Do take care x

[poppy]

Hello ESM. I'm sorry to read about your unhappiness. I am assuming that your partner does not have children of his own, (you haven't mentioned he has) and it is difficult sometimes for childless people to understand the bond between a mother and her children. And they remain our 'children' whatever age they are and whatever they do, and to me it seems the most natural thing in the world that you would help and support them. What does he think. They get to 21 and something changes about the way you feel about them, and the love and loyalty you feel towards them?

I don't agree that the problem here with him is depression. It's not like any depression I know of, and its a problem I am very close to. I think what you have in this man are mental health issues and certainly a very controlling nature. Coupled with his violent behaviour I think you would be unwise to believe that he can change. If he could, he would have shown signs of it by now.

Personally I would never let someone come between me and my children and this is what he is hell bent on doing. My advice would be to end what appears to be a very destructive relationship. Your partner is not a child so is responsible for his own behaviour and the choices he makes. He could after all have a very happy life within your established family unit, and he chooses to do everything to destroy it instead. You have to think about what payback you get from this relationship with him; to me as an outside truly it seems very little indeed. If I were you I would not return to him. I think you would be placing yourself in danger and also your children for whom he obviously has no respect or understanding.

I think you know already know what you need to do. You cannot continue as you are. I wish you all the luck. Do keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.

Poppy

[poppy]

ESM - the other issue I meant to mention, was does he have an alcohol problem as well as his other difficulties? Maybe something else you need to think about.

[ESM]

I saw a councellor today who told me that I had difficulties with coping with failure. This possibly explains why I have invested so much in trying to make this relationship work. He also said that my partner was trying to manipulate me into taking him back.
My partner has no children and has suffered from an alcohol problem in the past. He insists that he no longer has a problem but that's not what I see. I am uncomfortable having alcohol in the house as it it likley to be abused during difficult times. He also lost his mother in tragic circumstances when he was 7 yeard old and was raised by a very abusive aggressive father who showed him no love.
Yes, I have left my partner. I feel very strong when I am away from him and know that I must leave him for good. When I see him (this is unavoidale as we are selling a house etc) I doubt myself as I love him (or at least that's what I think is making me hurt so much) and feel like I want to try and make it work again.
I am naturally a forgiving person and do not hold grudges - I think the final straw for me was when my daughter was threatened. It was a bit of a wake up call for me!
I am going to continue to see the councellor whilst I finalise our break up as I need as much support as I can get at the moment to keep me strong.

[poppy]

I think you are moving in the right direction ESM. It must be very painful for you, and whatever your counsellor might say about you, none of us like failure and that's why we sometimes battle against all odds to keep something going, but also because we value what we had, or thought we had. Sadly love of itself is not enough sometimes to keep a relationship going. We need at least some of the other things too, like someone who values the same things, who gives us support, especially emotional support, and in your case in the very least respects and accepts the children who you love, even if they can't love them as you do.

I admire your courage. It will be a rocky path ahead of you, but you will come through it. No-one has the right to deny us happiness and to make our lives miserable. I wish you all the luck. Keep in touch and let us know how you are getting on.

Poppy

[monicascartu]

I think you took the wright decision. It is very important to keep your children close to you. Do not let anybody to step in. Not in one million years. The most important thing is your happiness. Finally it is all it matters. Nobody lives forever. Avail your self of this.

[Alice Alice]

I totally agree keep your children get rid of him, everything was fine until he moved in he belongs in asylum...i had neighbours who would drink and were always complaining about my baby making too much noise (they lived below us) even the cat they would complain about.
I gave them my # so they could call me instead of banging on their ceiling and startling my baby ...so then they started calling me to tell me off using the worst kind of words i felt i couldn't live my life because the drunks were light sleepers.
it was horrible just horrible ...imagine living with that kind of person...you need to understand these kind of people groom us nice people to believe they are genuinely nice too then as the months go by their true colours come to life and by this time we find ourselves in the biggest mess,,,,i say out with the mean drunk and in with your beautiful children

[1aokgal]

I don't know how you can have any doubt about the choices you should have made. There is NO one you choose over your own flesh and blood. Long after the men are gone are your love and relationship to your children. Animals first protect their young. That is an instinct that all mothers should have. I feel so sad for your children who feel they do not have their mothers love. They will carry that burden into their own adult lives.

It may be possible they will never forgive you for the fact you put them in such a position for some drunken abusive nutcase who is not worth the dirt under your fingernails. The bitter harvest for you may be some day when you are 75 and in some facility and hope for a visit or there is a decision to be made for your care. Remember life has no mercy and aging comes to all of us. Where is the boyfriend or the others you put first at that time? You will hope your children and grandchildren will help you and be there for you. Unfortunately, you were not there for them.

The pity is, you say you are an independent professional woman. Yet you brought this man under your roof when your daughter and son were teens. Then when the son brought his girlfriend there you were shocked. Where was your moral compass to realize that your behavior would teach them the right (or wrong) moral choices?

I am disturbed that you think you still "love" someone who would put hands on your child and make you look like a total fool in front of your employee. Yes, She should leave. Who would want to be in that quicksand of violent behavior and drama? I would think she has little respect for you.

If you can salvage the respect someday your children have lost for you that would be a good thing. You do need a lot of help if it is not crystal clear to you that you must enjoy humiliation and abuse as a way of life to have this man anywhere in your life. Your daughter should have filed assault charges and had the man locked up for his actions. She is very young and has been traumatized by these events. I feel so sorry for these young people.

I understand this too well as my mother brought such a man into our lives when I was 3.5. Childhood was flashbacks of the violent fights and to know how much he disliked my brother and I. This created negatives that one feels about themselves and carry forward into life. I speak from real experience.

You will never regret to stand between your children and the world as long as you can. They should never have been
exposed to such violent scenes. Now you say "you love him." Something seems to be missing in you. I hope your children find someone special to help them.