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xpeacelilyx
15th April 2000, 10:37 AM
My husband was always emotionally absent even through some very nasty events eg I became pregnant after sterilisation. The pregnancy turned out to be ectopic. All emotional decisions were mine. He was not involved with the children emotionally or even physically for many years.

After I had an emotional breakdown due to the termination of our baby and other distressing circumstances, he then met another woman when I was in hospital and emotionally supported her for three years through her marriage break up while I could not recover. He sees no wrong in what he did.

The doctor said that my depression was caused by my marriage. I told him and he said that the doctor could only see one side and asked me if I wanted to go to the pub. I left. He then took my eldest son against my wishes and showed no interest in the younger two.

He has told my son some dreadful stories about me stealing all his money etc. I have no income and am living on the goodwill of a new partner that I met on line. The CSA eventually had to deduct money from his salary to help support the youngest two, over a year in all. My new partner is loving and caring and the children are bennefitting so much from him.

I feel emotionally dead now though most of the time. I have no interest in anything.

My husband seems to be sailing on with life though after making it impossible for me to stay in our home town, so many lies and stories. Apparantly I'm a cyber sex addict who had physically slept with half the men in town. None of this is true. Gradually I hear from old friends, but all I want to do is make a new life and put the past behind me.

It's so painful. I thought that divorce would be easy but that is crucifying me.

Any tip would help!!!!! Btw, I've just typed and am not going to read this back to myself. That way I won't stop myself speaking from inside if that makes sense.

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Peace

Dave
15th April 2000, 02:14 PM
Peacelily,

It takes courage to share what you have - courage is not the absence of fear or pain, but deciding to keep going, even knowing how much it hurts.

It is difficult to respond without seeming trite, but there are some resources you might like to look at. Take a look at the article "Getting our baggage unpacked (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/articles/baggage/)" and the tips on "Pain (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/tips/pain.html)" and "Forgiveness (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/tips/forgive.html)" which may give you some new ideas on the way forward.

Finally you may judge that you just need someone to talk through the pain with. Take a look at the Counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) pages to find someone in your area, or use one of the e-mail or telephone services available.

Above all, stay corageous - for your children, for your partner, and for your own sake.

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Kate
15th April 2000, 07:48 PM
Peacelily,

My heart goes out to you. Thank you for having the courage to share your painful journey - it may help others.

I was very struck by the pain, rejection, anger and sense of injustice in your letter. Your ex-husband may seem to be sailing through life, but he doesn't appear to have the courage that you have and I suspect he's covering up his own weakness by attacking you. Don't take responsibility for his own problems and resulting behaviour.

Feeling emotionally dead is the way we cope with pain sometimes, shutting off from it. It's also common to fear getting emotionally involved again when we've been deeply hurt.
I believe each person is unique and special and their value doesn't depend on how others treat them. You need to believe that and that you'll come through this tough time.

I have heard of local support groups in my town for individuals going through divorce or its aftermath. There is a national organisation that organises similar programmes and you can find more information at the Divorce Recovery Workshop at www.drw.org.uk (http://www.drw.org.uk)
Hang on in there!


[Note: This message has been edited by Dave]


[Note: This message has been edited by Dave]

Debbie Allen
18th April 2000, 03:52 AM
I was leary about posting here, but something told me that I should so here I go. I understand your pain as I went through that myself with my first husband. Be rest assured what goes around does come around. My first got what was coming to him after spreading lies about me sleeping with all my friends and being a pedophile to boot. He has shown his true colors with his new wife and I have chosen to go one and learn from the past. Both of us are remarried. His wife does not share his name, nor his finances. I share everything with my new and wonderful husband. I did not ask for the divorce, I waited until he did. I took enough of his cheap dirty-works before finally giving in. There is somehting that you can do by yourself though. Read the book " Rebuilinding, when your relationship ends", written by Bruce Fisher. It is a wonderful book and you will use it as reference several times before all is done. I went to a workshop that used that book, twice. Once during my separation and then again after my divorce. I still have the book and still look through it once in a while. I wish you the very best and I know that you are strong because you talked about it instead of pushing it under the rug.
Tell me how things go with you.
A big hug---- we need them to validate us.
Debbie Allen

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Seams Like Camelot

by Debbie Allen

djadka@visuallink.com

Dave
19th August 2000, 01:33 AM
Julie wrote:

Keep up the good work. Do not forget the breakdown of any relationship is a loss. With loss comes a variety of emotions, anger, denial, bargaining and then eventually recovery. The time it takes you to recover will depend on any other stresses and traumas you may have in your life at the same time. It takes longer to juggle the more balls you have in the air.

Julie