Am I wasting my life?

[Anne22]

Hi

I hope everyone has had a good Christmas & New Year - I have been away and am now back to the usual routine!!

Christmas was a time of contemplation - I am so very confused as to where my life is leading me - I am so keen to move on with all this sadness I am feeling but seem unable to shake things off and be happy.

To give a little background my H had several 'flings' - I suppose you could call them affairs - one of which was with one of my best friends and I am struggling to recover! He works away alot and this now gives me so much anguish! I chose to fight for my marriage but am not sure whether I made the right choice.

My H said he wants to make things work but has not shown much remorse and generally ignores me, he doesnt seem to be trying to change things and seems to go out of his was to get away from me and I feel very unwanted and unloved. He does not come to bed at the same time and makes sure he is up before I wake. There is no intimacy - which I miss - he really acts as though he doesnt care at all about me. This is all killing me and I dont feel I deserve it.

I have always tried hard to be a good wife, have been loyal and worked hard for everyone I suppose also lost a part of myself along the way.

He seems even more distant now than before - while we were away I was crying inside while outwardly trying to have a good time for the sake of the kids and the other family. I am also sad as my teenage daughter is very aware and I think knows more than she should. I try not to say anything to her but she knows that her dad is being unkind to me. I am so confused but feel surely there is more to life than this!!!

I feel so alone and unable to talk to anyone - I would appreciate any views from my cyber friends!

Thanks

Anne22:(

[Annie2]

Anne!
Hello I have missed you! I'm so sorry to hear you still seem lonely in your marriage and by the sounds of it quite understandabley. I've got to rush out but I will be back later with more thoughts. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. Take care, it's great (although not in the circumstances) to hear from you again. I'm sure Helen will be in touch with her fabulous advice. Let's see if we can crack it on the head this time...
I'll post again later,
Big cuddles,
Annie xxx

[Anne22]

Hi Annie

Thanks for that - nice to know you are out there

Anne22

[samm]

hi anne 22

you may have already read my background you will notice the similarities.
I know exactly where you are coming from part of you wants to save the marriage no matter what but the other part knows that may not be possible no matter how hard you try and i am sure you are trying very hard.

I think once one infidelity has been made it is never the same and a piece of you does die. You certainly cannot carry on feeling so unhappy and have got to make the break if you feel it is right for you and your daughter.

I have just done exactly that i called his bluff and the amount of times over the last 3months i have wanted to call my h and tell him i do believe him and want him home i cannot count, but each time i just waited a little longer for the feeling to pass. i knew things were never the same and i am upset in fact inside i am devastated, but my strength in this is my children because he is not only betraying me but them too.

Follow your gut feeling and either accept him for himself and his ways or take that step forward.

Take care chat soon

samm

[Anne22]

Samm

I too could see many similarities in our situation!

I believe in marriage and I do so want to save our marriage but am not sure my H at the bottom of his heart does!

I wonder whether he just enjoys the comforts of home - like a hotel and I suppose I resent this - I am sure I would feel so much differently towards him if he could show me a little kindness. I wish he would include me in more things and not treat me as if I am the least important person in the family. I wish he would stick up for me on parenting issues and not the kids. I wish I could look into the future and see happiness.

I truly think he blames me for everything that goes wrong at home - he did once say to me when I confronted him (if you have read any of my postings you may know that I knew he had been unfaithful with my friend but I chose not to confront him until I found out other information - him sleeping with her again, flirting, emailing other women etc and just after my dad and a close friend had died!) that 'it takes two to tango' - I was so upset! I was thinking yes it does you and that s..t - not me!!!!

I really feel you have hit the nail on the head when you say a piece of you dies - I agree I feel so much has died - I am constantly grieving and thinking how could he have done this to me and the kids (2 - a boy and a girl)

My daughter knows that her dad is unkind to me and that it hurts me. When we were talking with friends recently my friend brought up the subject of infidelity and my daughter said oh you wont have to worry mum - dad would never do that to you!!! My heart bled for days - I often get upset just thinking about what she said!!!

You are so strong Samm - I worry that if I threw him out, I would miss him so much and feel worse than I do now!

God why is life so complicated. Silly thing is I was with my h from such a young age I saw all my friends go through heartache with boyfriends and I thought - how lucky am I not to have had to go through all this - well here I am after nearly 20 years of commitment and my life is in tatters!!!

I do keep doing positive things to move on - (joining a gym, going for an interview for a new position etc. - making promises to myself to be stronger but somedays it all falls apart I just wonder why!!!!!

I did promise myself a few New Years Resolutions - to try and be a bit more assertive and selfish which I find very hard - I often think that if I had I might not be in the state I am today.

Oh well - I now know the true meaning of 'Lifes Hard'!!!!

Thanks for listening.

Anne22

[samm]

anne 22

i know where you are in that lonely place struggling to find an answer. every day becoming a battle between your heart and your head and in the end only you can decide.

What i will say is that I too had been with my h since i was young 16yrs old in fact so i knew no other we too had been together for 22 years in fact you could say we matured together (well one of us did anyway!)
you will get to that place whether it be sooner or later, but as much as i am hurting i know it is the right thing to do.

My eldest who is 12 knew most of the situation as he has never appeared that close to the children he did 22 yrs in the military so i did everything for them basically he just shouted at them most of the time. She blamed me at first because she was emotionally confused and i allow for that it is still her dad after all, but she now knows why and supports or should i say respects my desision, she has told her dad she hates him and never wants to see him again but i am sure in time this will pass (for her sake) We all say things we dont mean when we are hurting,don't we?. My little boy who is 7 misses his dad and is very moody at the moment (what 7yrs old isnt though!) it would of helped if their dad kept them in the picture and visited them more frequently than 1hr every 4 weeks. He choose to live 400 miles away not us.

Since i have discovered this site i seem to have renew positivity and am grateful to all that have taken the time to post comments


Samm

[Annie2]

hello Anne and Samm,
Firstly I'm so glad you two have been 'chatting'. Your situations are indeed rather similar.
I am so sorry Anne that you are, dare I say still, feeling this way. You haven't written about any positive changes in your husband and it seems as though you are pretty much still stuck as you were.
I know sitting in a comfortable position it might sound easy to say but I really believe that you should never think that your life will be worse or end if it's not with your husband. You have gotten this far with him and part of that has been down to you, what I mean is your life with him wasnt' about solely him making you happy. It's been mostly you doing that, you make yourself happy. I am not saying that he hasn't but at the moment this is about him making you unhappy and that may in time outweigh the positives.
I feel so frustrated for you because he really is very slow at this. It seems he just doesnt' get it. Have you told him how you are feeling, does he listen? The fact that you feel he is avoiding you, not coming to bed and getting up early is hardly reassuring. Does he know this?
Anne I really feel for you. You are so tuned into how you are feeling and so accurate about how his behaviour affects you but he just doesn't get it. I can't remember but did you ever think anything about counselling, even just for you?
You are clearly brilliant at knowing your strengths and doing things that make you feel good but with his behaviour jepardising (wonky spelling I know) that you need to be wary that you could start slipping downhill towards a black hole again. I say that with the kindest intentions.
Take care Anne, post soon. We need some strong Helen words on this thread (Helen, can you hear me?? :) )
Love, Annie xxx

[Anne22]

Hi

Thanks for your kindness - sometimes I feel like I am just delaying the inevitable but feel it would be very selfish of me to break the family up!

Other days I think oh sod him I am going to live for today and seem to climb out of the hole!! I do feel quite numb sometimes and just run on auto pilot!

While things have been 'cold' between us since I cant remember when, he says he doesnt know if he is capable of giving me what I want - I have said I dont want the earth, just some respect and love. He says he feels he has something missing in his personality and just doesnt feel the way other people do!

I really do feel I need to talk to him about 'us' he hates it when I suggest this but have said that I feel we need to go for dinner without the kids and he said thats a good idea and that he was going to suggest it! We are going out on Saturday night so I will wait and see if he talks to me about 'us' or whether he has some news to tell me!!!

I do feel confused about this = in a way I feel I am waiting for him to leave us!! I suppose I dont want the decision to be mine!!! He might not have that in mind but he feels such a stranger to me nowadays. I just want him to appreciate me, comfort me and share things with me!

I often wonder if anyone out there has been in this kind of situation and whether this relationship can be rebuilt!! Or whether I should cut my losses and move on - this would be against my principles I must say. You often hear of people going through a hard patch and I pray that this is just that!

Well I have rambled on for long enough.

Take care my friends and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Love Anne22

Ps Annie - following on from a previous conversation - just to say one of my New Years resolutions was not to iron his work shirts anymore - well not until he starts appreciating me more!!!!!! I feel quite liberated but also a bit mean after 20 years of doing them!!!! How about that!!!!

[Annie2]

Good grief Anne I love it, no ironing IS the new you!!!
Anne you would not be breaking up the family. Right now it's you and the kids and him in his own world. How different would it be if you allowed him to just live in his own world officially?
I really think you could talk to him until he is blue in the face about how YOU feel but it's so apparent that he doesn't know how he feels about himself. And without that he can't acknowledge how he feels about you. By questioning whether he can give you what you ask, and also the comment about him being unlike others is so in line with this. I think he really has no idea about himself, not in touch with his feelings, not able to recognise, accept and respect his own feelings and self. It's him that needs to get counselling. You seem someone who is so full of life, robust, strong and totally in touch with how they feel, not to mention your ability to love others. He is drying that all up and abusing it (not intentially or in a sinsister way) because he hasn't got any of what you have. Actually he has he just hasn't worked it out yet or how to develop like you have.
Am I rambling again?
Anyway take care, you're obviously doing a lot of thinking so remember chocolate and red wine really help this (Mmmm...you believed in my ironing theory didn't you?).
speak soon,
Love Annie xx

[SouthofFrance]

Annie,
I cannot tell you how relieved I was to read your postings, my h had an affair with a client of ours for a year and I found out 4 months ago (see previous postings for full details!), we have been going to counselling since then, but like you I just can't decide if I'm being strong in trying to make it work (3 kids 6,4,2) or whether I'd be better off trying to go it alone as I'm such a wreck at the moment I'm not sure I'm much use to the kids as I am anyway!
As Samm said I too feel like such a huge part of me and what I believe in has died, and like your husband mine seems unable to feel remorse when confronted with the truth he just looked at me with an almost smug look and offered no comfort. He even now feels no remorse despite being sorry for letting me down, he thinks life just deals us stuff like that and we have to deal with it bollxxx! Like your husband mine too, thinks there is something missing in him that he can't feel my pain. he found living two lives very easy which scares me too!
I was just online looking at studios to rent as I feel so confused I am thinking about moving out, he feels he has moved on, so has the other woman apparently and like you the innocent party who has only ever done her best to try and look after everyone is the one in a mess, but I don't know if I can do that to the kids, but I want him to have deal with all that everyday stuff for a bit and see how he likes it, oh dear I am sounding bitter, I want to make it work as he is a really nice person (strange I know), and I do still love him, and like you believe in making marriages work, but as long as he is unable to emapthise with me I don't see how it CAN work, everyone keeps telling me time is the only answer, hmmmm how long ???? I know i haven't been much help to you Annie but thanks for letting me know I'm not alone!xx

[SouthofFrance]

Sorry for getting Annie and Anne 22 confused name-wise!!!
Samm - how long did you try and make it work before you left? Anne - I so relate to your comment about would I be more miserable without him - oh what to do?!

[helenrw200]

Hi Anne

You know everytime I read about what's happening to you I get annoyed for you !

How can your H not see what he has ? Whilst it is true that some people are unable to show emotions your H is taking it to the extreme and risking everything he has . I know how demoralising it is to feel the person you love doesn't care so I have every sympathy with you... and admiration that you're holding it all together.

How long will you be able to live with this though ? I hope for the sake of your mental health things start to improve soon, me I'd be tempted to slap him !


Helen

[Anne22]

Hi

Thank you everyone for all your replies and support!

Firstly Helen - I agree I also feel he needs a bit of a slap - perhaps just to make him aware of what he is doing/has done!!!!

Annie - I often hold onto something you said to me when I first posted - I am not in control of my h actions/feelings - often when I am feeling low I think of this and it gives me a jolt to stop worrying - I often feel a bit paranoid - thinking what is he up to now - if anything - maybe that he isnt but as he shows me very little attention my mind plays games on me and I wonder if he is showing attention to anyone else again!!!

I am confident though that had he not been unfaithful I would never had to feel this way!!

SofF - I am so sorry you are having a similar miserable time to me - I wish our h's could just see how much hurt they have caused!!! I still cannot understand how my h can be so withdrawn form everything!

One thing I have realsied is that whatever life throws at us - you must not become a wreck!!!! Life is too short and your kids need you!!!! You must try and pull yourself together for their sake - when you are feeling low - post your thoughts here to your cyber friends and draw strength from them if you can!

My kids are older than yours, (11 & 14) and I feel it would have been easier to have left my h when my kids were younger but at whatever time in their lives it would be hard for them!!! I am proud that I have 'hung in there' I dont always feel so positive as I do today and it could go tits up on Saturday when I go for dinner with my h but until then I must try and live my life!!!!

I have no intention of moving out - I have worked hard for this life and I wont go without a fight - we will not seprate at the moment unless he leaves! SofF you need the stability and continuity for your children - dont make any hasty moves especially without taking advice!!!

I hope your h wakes up from his stupor and starts feeling some remorse - sometimes I do feel my h feels guilty but perhaps I misread this - it is probably his arrogance!!!! I also feel my h can b such a nice person and he is just very drepressed at the moment.

I too would like to know how long Samm tried to make things work before separating?

Take care my friends and I look forward to hearing from you again

Anne22