PDA

View Full Version : Mother In Laws!! Help Needed


pitsa
5th January 2007, 12:15 PM
Hey all,

first time using this forum and I really need some advice. I've been with my partner for just over six years. We meet in university and I would attend church but I had not fully committed myself to God. My boyfriend was a Jehovah's Witness but stopped going well before I met him. His mother still goes.

Anyway, as years have passed I have committed myself to God and my b/f has started to attend church too. His mother does not know he goes to church. We now want to get married...I want to get married in a church, with all the blessings, my b/f wants to aswell....but my mother-in-law to be said she refuses to come to our wedding because it is in a church.

I'm so upset by her reaction, is this normail for a JW? How can we overcome this?

Many thanks

Annie2
5th January 2007, 12:54 PM
hello Pitsa,
I'm so sorry to hear of your dilema. My wedding day was also under threat by my mother-in-law. She was refusing to attend because her ex-husband (my father-in-law) would be there. In the end my husband and I decided that her decision was her own and she was only hurting herself. I think as your mother-in-law hasn't had time to make her final decision it's still early days. She may come around to the idea. If she doesn't then all you can do is talk it through with your husband. As long as you both agree that it's her decision and therefore not your responsibility then it shouldn't affect your relationship.
I don't know much about JW's but whatever a persons reason is for not attending their son's marriage is their own. It is not your responsibility to make your day easier for or about her. It's your day end of story. If things get bad I would talk to your Vicar and maybe he/she could talk with your mother-in-law (a challenge!). You are about to embark on a new life with your husband to be so this is more about communicating between the two of you and coming to a mutal agreement over this, don't let her get inbetween that.
Good luck,
Annie

Pandy
5th January 2007, 02:12 PM
I would also very much recommend educating yourself about JWs if you think there may be any use, because it's a scary thing. http://www.cultwatch.com/jw.html is a very good starting place.

Annie2
5th January 2007, 05:19 PM
Hello again,
I was just thinking that despite your own belief you didnt and haven't said 'you can't come to my wedding because you are a JW'. Do you see the difference? You haven't said that because you welcome everyone therefore she is the one with the prejudice. If it were the other way around and you were invitied to a JW wedding I don't think you would be saying no as a Christian. You either can see through someones religion and beliefs through to the actual person or you can't.
The above site that Pandy posted is very enlightning and may show you what you are up against in terms of her accepting her son's involvement with you. I hope I'm wrong.
I would say be true to yourself and be proud that you don't disregard people simply because they have a different faith. The world is constantly warring over faith disagreements and it is just heartbreaking when it even happens between families.
annie

pitsa
5th January 2007, 05:45 PM
Hey again,

Thanks to you both for your advice. She is so in to her religion, I would love for her to be there, we want her to be there and also he only has the 1 parent left. I don't want to be the 1 who gets blamed for her not coming to the wedding...because it would inevitably be my fault. When my b/f suggested he wanted to get married in a church, she slapped him. That was not a reaction him or I expected.

I've considered having an outdoor wedding as a compromise, but I'm not even sure whether the songs and Bible readings would be too much for her.

The worst thing is I know when I do get married she'll try to convert me! I do seriously need to get reading. I thought I knew the Bible, but she has literally swallowed it. I think my faith is strong enough to overcome that obstacle though.

Annie2
5th January 2007, 05:56 PM
Pista,
It's not about what you know, how much you can quote and so on. I have a good friend who is a vicar and trust me he still has to look things up. It's about how you feel based on what you already know. Is that already enough for you? If it feels right for you then it is, when you read more it should feel even more right. Faith is a very personal thing and it is not a competition. Your not more qualified as a Christian just because you can recite without looking, we are all the same.
I really feel for you right now when this should only be about a new beginning and happiness. Why do you feel you will get the blame? Who do you think will blame you? Have you talked to your husband about this? You really should, the day is about both of you. Your husband must be under enormous stress to please both of you but he has to make up his own mind and stick with that. Be true to yourself, if your mother in law puts violence and emotional blackmail into her plea and you simply want whats best for you and your husband ('to be' I know) then I don't think he will find it hard to see who is the culprit of unhappiness in this. He may find it easier to keep the peace with his mother and you will then have to work out how you feel about that. I would try talking to some people at your church as I am sure you will find them enormously helpful. You need support on this but it really needs to start with your husband (to be).
Good luck Pista look after yourself,
annie x

Kate
5th January 2007, 11:23 PM
Dear Pitsa

I agree with Annie that the two of you need to talk these things through. You may find the article about marrying across faiths here useful. Although your husband shares your faith, his family don't and this is causing difficulies.

I wouldn't have thought that the slap was normal JW behaviour. It sounds more like a woman who likes to control her children even when they have grown up.

Have you considered doing some marriage preparation to help you talk through the issues you face? You could consider an Engaged Encounter weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/preres/mprepdatelist.html) or a FOCCUS (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/preres/foccus/) or Prepare (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/preres/prepinc/) programme. Each of these will give you the opportunity to explore how you can build a strong marriage despite any differences that you may have.

All the best

Kate

mia misty
15th January 2007, 10:17 PM
I believe you will have to understand what his belief's are and if he really still is a Jehovah's Witness and if that's something you can live with. If so talk to his mother about your belief's and tell her how much a church wedding is important to you and maybe she'll come around. But let her have some time to think about it.
Heather