HI I Really Need some Help

[helpsaveus]

Me and my husband have only been married for about a year and half but we have been together for much longer. When I met my Husband he had a two year old boy, I love kids so I had no problem with that but I had no ideal what baggage that came with him. The mother was still in love with him and alittle crazy to boot. I mean you name it she has done it. She threated my life several times and insisted that her and and my husband were having sex. She has even went so far as to wish that my kids would die. At first I thought that she would just get over him and move on but it did not happen. They were together in high school but after college they broke up and he had just ended a two year relationship with another woman when I started seeing him. I have had my tires slashed as well as my car spray painted in the four 1/2 years that me and my husband have been together. I stayed because I loved him and felt that it wasn't his fault that she could not move on. I can admit that it has made me unsure about our relationship but i have done my best to trust him. I now believe that the reason that she was acting like that is because they were having a affiar and maybe still are. My husband insist that I am not thinking clearly but admits that she does come on to him and tells him that she loves him. I wish that I never got myself into this mess. Sometimes I just want to take my kids and just leave. I mean I shouldn't have to fight for my husband. I have no idea what to do, he is a wonderful father and the kids adore him but I not sure that he'll ever change or even wants to. Furthermore I am not sure he cares if I'm here or not. I could really use some help.

[Helen]

Hi,

I am curious. What makes you think your husband is still seeing this woman? And I wonder if you have done anything to stop this woman coming to your home. For example, have you ever tried to obtain a restraining order? Have you thought about setting up a video camera to catch her in her acts of vandalism? You could also try recording her calls and keeping a journal of her threats.

I would have a talk with the police about her. I know you probably don't want to because this might make things worse. But you do not need her threatening your life and making it hell. Her time with your husband is now over and she needs to get over it. She sounds a bit unstable, to be frank. I do not understand how someone can still carry a torch after almost 5 years have passed. He married you. If he loved her more, he would have married her. So see the situation for what it is.

Incidentally, unless you have clear evidence that your husband is doing something wrong with this woman, I would not write him off or assume that he is having an affair with her. Yes he is worth fighting for. You love him and your kids adore him. I am not sure why you think he needs to change but it is possible that he is maintaining a status quo with this woman for the sake of his son with this woman. Maybe rocking the boat would make things worse (in terms of him being able to see his child).

Why do you think he doesn't care if you are there? Can you say a little bit about your relationship outside the problems you are having with this woman? For example, how many kids do you have? What is your relationship like when you are not being harassed by this woman? Can you talk openly when you have problems?

Sorry to fire all the questions at you.


Helen

[helpsaveus]

Thanks so much for your advise. It really helps to hear from someone outside the relationship. Well we have kids together a boy 7 months and a girl 19 months. We did not plan to have Joshua and my husband was pretty upset that I choose to keep him instead of aborting him. I just couldn't do that and really believed that it would destroy us. I told him that I was keeping Joshua. He was upset for awhile. When my son was born he changed his toon and has been really good to Joshua but money is really tight. To make things worst I quit my job to stay home with the kids after finding out that the sitter was doing drugs. My husband agreed that it was a good choice but since he does not involve me in any choices that he makes. Like last week he bought a car. It doesn't even run, not that it matters but I wish he would talk to me before he got it. I am not even on his bank account. I resent having to ask him for money and explain why. I requested many times that we write a budget and agree on how much spending money I should have, but he replies when we have some I will let you know. I will say that I am a sort of nag but I don't know how else to get him to hear me. We have alot of communication problems and can really say some hateful things to one another. I dont know how to make him stay home. If we go somewhere the minute we get home he says he is going to his friend's house or to the gym. I ok with him going out but he doen't want me there. I like to workout ( I mean after two kids back to back) plus some of his friends are married and their wives are there. I guess I want to more then his wife I want to be his friend. I don't feel he cares because he chooses to keep doing these things when he knows that they hurt me. About his son's mother, I have called the cops several times, She went to court on one of the cases and was found guilty ( she punched my husband in the face in front of a class of 4 year olds). She had pay a fine and seek help. It is so hard to prove most of the time. Maybe he is not cheating it is just so hard knowing that you have to deal with someone you know is always trying to get your husband. I feel so guilty because I love my son and I want him to be involved him brother and sister's life but I don't want to deal with her. It is not his fault he is just caught in the middle. A couple of months ago one of my husbands ex girlfriend was calling him and I was pretty upset. That same month I found some girls number in his clothes when I was washing. I confronted him and he denied any wrong doing around that same time was when she says they were sleeping together. To top it off I was preggo with Joshua. I told him that I was going to trust him and we would move forward. And that is what I planned to do but every time something happens I start to wonder. I come from a broken home and have alot issues with trust. I really dont want to carry that into my relationship but I think that I have. I am not a good writer, sorry. How do I build the trust in my relationship and get my husband to talk to me. Thanks again for the help

[janejill2]

I feel for you that you are dealing with such a nut case in regards to his ex.
I am sort of in your boat. I am married and have a nine month old. My husband's ex-wife still emails him every 2 months to "shoot the breeze", but I know what she is out for. I come from a broken home as well, and it is VERY hard for me to trust. I end up blaming myself for "worrying" about his ex-wife. My husband will not cut contact with her, even though it REALLY upsets me that she still emails him. I do know they are not meeting or talking on the phone - so that is good, but it still makes me VERY uneasy to see that clearly this woman cannot move on with her life and wishes they were still together.
Just know there is someone else out there in a boat similar to yours in terms of not being able to trust and feeling like it is their fault. My husband always gets mad at me when I bring up his ex - and does not just say "fine - I will tell her to stop emailing". They have no kids together - so I know it is different than your situation. It still kills me though to feel like my husband has no more value on our marriage than that.
I wish you the best of luck with your situation - and you are not the problem! I have many of times had the same feeling " how did I get myself into such a mess". I love my daugther more than anything, but I really question me ever hookinng up with my husband. I stay at home as well and feel that I am in "debt" to him as I am bringing in no money - that makes it EVEN harder to deal with. I have no leg to stand on in terms of leaving him.
Email me if you ever need to talk - as I said - I feel like we are in a similar boat.
Best of luck.