Trouble coping with affair

[SouthofFrance]

Hello I found out nearly three months ago that my husband had been affair with one of our clients for a year. We have always had a really lovely marriage and have always been really close. We have three young children, the eldest is 5 and has been in out of hospital quite a lot in her little life, the middle one is 4 and the youngest is 2 and had suspected menginitis which luckily turned outto be a bad lung infection and he had to have physio every day for 2 months. after the birth of no. 3 I developed psoriatic arthritis and was unable to move without a great deal of pain.
We also have our own business and had a bad year financially last year.
Sounds like a bit of a sob story doesn't it, what I mean is I can understand the going was tough and that due to all the circumstances I was unable to devote the time needed to the marriage and this other woman was wealthy, bored and going all out to get my husband, he was naive enough to think he could help her as she had a lot of problems, and was always half honest with me about his feelings towards her. What I cannot understand is why despite repeated pleas from me to not see her or to stop working there he deserted me when I needed him most, because she gave him the attention she needed.

Three months ago he ended it as she was making him chose and he told her there was never any choice as he loves me and the children and we are completely right for each other. He has been brutally honest with me and I asked all the questions and know all the details.
How can he honestly think it possible to love two people at the same time (his reply is love is an expanding thing as you are able to love all of your children, it is unquantifiable) he is making a real effort to be more attentive to my needs and spending more time with the children which he is finding he enjoys.

What I can't deal with is why when things got better, we have had a goood year with the business, the children are all in good health, and so am I, why did it continue and for so long, I can't seem to stop hurting.
I feel stuck, I love him and I want to be with him as we do make each other happy but why/ how could he do this if he loves me. He sees me hurting and is incapable of comforting me as he thinks he doesn't deserve my sympathy.

If any one can help let me know.

[SouthofFrance]

I wrote all that in a hurry as anger still seems to feature heavily in the whole messy situation. What I really wanted to know is - is there anyone out there that has made a go of a marriage after an affair, and what helped? I really do want to make it work but I just seem to be unable to accept what has happened because I am so digusted by it, although I know I have no choice. I live abroad and don't feel able to talk to my familyabout this on the phone as it would shatter their image of my H, so anyone who can help - your advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks

[helenrw200]

SouthofFrance

I didn't repond to your earlier post because to be honest there are no easy answers to the way you're feeling. It's only been 3 months since you discovered the affair, and the affair lasted a year or more. Your husband chose to turn to another woman when things got tough at home and this would be hard for anyone to accept and understand.

You are probably going to feel hurt and betrayed for many months to come and shouldn't expect to be able to forgive and forget in such a short space of time.

How is your husband behaving towards you now ? You said he'd been honest to the point of brutality, but is he showing remorse ? Regret ? Is he reassuring you that it's you he loves, that he's sorry, that it won't happen again ? Those behaviours are necessary for you to start to feel secure again and to rebuild the trust you once had.

Yes people do come through affairs, but much depends on the situation afterwards.. and the reasons they occured. You need to be reassured that if, at a future date, you have difficult times again, your H won't go running into the arms of the nearest woman with a healthy bank balance and no conscience.

Why are you so concerned with protecting your H's image ? He chose to have an affair and you could use the support of your family. If you really feel you can't talk to them about it then get support anyway you can, a counsellor if necessary. You have to be able to get your feelings out to be able to deal with them and move on.

You don't have to accept what happened, you have to know if you can live with it, and your H should be doing all he can to make this possible for you.

Take care .

Helen

[SouthofFrance]

Thanks Helen,
Yes he is telling me he loves me and only me in that for life, grow old together kind of way, yet he also told me he loved her just in a different way ie: obsession, I did manage to establish not as deeply (after all I would hope 13 years and 3 children would make a difference!)
He is sorry, but seems very detached about the whole sorry affair, he hasn't cried and I feel I wish he would so at least we could grieve together for what he has destroyed, but he says he doesn't deserve my sympathy. I understand why he did it, what I don't understand is why he didn't do it - if you know what I mean.
I honestly don't think he would do it again, (but I never thought he would in first place!) but obviously it worries me if things get tough again which they undoubtedly will as life is not all roses- will he cope?
We have tried counselling, but as we live in France we have to travel a long way to find someone english (we both speak fluent french, but when it's such heartfelt feelings its easier in english) so it's not very regular.
Part of me feels that I should kick him out for a while so he suffers as i have, as I feel he has had his cake and eaten it, but if I do that the children will wonder what is going on? They are 5,4, and 2, I also feel if we're going to make it work we have to really go for it.
Strange thing we have been having great sex and I haven't had a problem with it (maybe trying to get my territory back so to speak) yet this week for the first time I couldn't help thinking of him with her when we were in the midst of... it killed the moment!!!!!!!!!! Why is this happening now?
He keeps telling me it will take time but I think the fact I'm so up and down - one minute I'm really positive it will work and can't keep my hands off him, the next I'm feeling sick with it, too exhausted to bother trying for something I never asked to be involved in and pushing him away, it is very confusing for him. He has told me he won't let me give up on him, and I have promised to try for a year (as long as the affair lasted) but god that seems like a long time right now. I feel like if we do make it there will always be this black mark against our marriage, is it really possible to come through stronger and more together the other side.
Helen (south of france)

[helenrw200]

Hi Helen

Believe me everything you're feeling is normal. It all takes time and lots of effort.
Yes it will always be there but in time it will fade and providing you allow it to, it will stop hurting so much.

It's a shame you couldn't find an English speaking counsellor to talk to, but you really do need to keep talking to each other. Don't let resentment start to set in and say nothing.

I know what you mean when you say " why he didn't do it ", we all like to feel that we are special to our partners and that if temptation comes along they would hold back because they love us, but thinking like that won't help you. He did do it, it's done and now it's time to sort out the mess it's caused.

Did you get angry when you found out ? Did you get all the feelings of hurt and resentment out to him ? Sorry but if he were my husband he wouldn't be getting sympathy, why does he feel that's what you're offering ? Are you ? Crying and grieving together isn't offering sympathy.

I hope things work out for you.

Take care.

Helen

[SouthofFrance]

Thanks again Helen,
It's nice to know that it's normal to be feeling this way, I guess I'm just impatient to get over it.
Yes I have been really angry, and the other woman bore the brunt of it as she insisted on calling him even though she had been told that no more contact was in order, I answered the phone as he was driving and told her to stop phoning and hung up (very restrained I thought!) she texted that she didn't need my permission to talk to my husband, and that she was fine thanks for asking (like I care?!) so I saw red and rang her back and told her exactly what I thought of her, which made me feel a whole lot better - she then e-mailed me asking for an apology (is she insane?). I have also ended up punching him but the anger is getting less.
I always said (like most women I imagine) that I could never continue with someone if they had betrayed me, and I don't think I will ever get over it completely - the whole is he where he says is thing is really hard, is it possible to trust again?
On the sympathy front, no he hasn't been getting any, although I hate seeing him hurt too - I just don't understand why he won't show it, he seems to think he has to be stoical about it. The only time he has cried was a couple of days after he told me because he was missing her (ouch!). Why do we never think it will happen to us, I really did think that we were solid, and how can a man carry on a normal relationship with his wife and family (home every night, loving towards me, helping me through my illness, regular sex) whilst having this sordid affair at the same time - they would meet in the city for lunch and have sex in a back street or carpark (teenage?!) - what would he have done if he had been caught by the police?
I find it very hard to accept that SHE knowing our situation and me, and our children, could do this, I couldn't inflict that kind of pain on another woman and I couldn't be that selfish putting my own needs before those of my children etc (she has 2 girls (4 & 6).
Anyway thanks very much for your support Helen, it has helped knowing I'm not alone in this, and at least I feel a bit less of a statistic now!!!
Helen

[helenrw200]

Hi Helen

I'm glad to hear you're starting to feel a little better, sometimes just writing things down can help you think more clearly.

Wonderful that you confronted the o/w too and told her what you thought !

I always think that the emotions you have to deal with after an affair are genuine grief, even if the marriage continues, you are mourning the death of the relationship you THOUGHT you had. Your husband had an affair when you were at a vulnerable point in your life and this takes some forgiving. Provided you can keep talking and all contact with the o/w has stopped and you can continue to get your feelings out, and of course he continues to allow you to, it will eventually get better.

The o/w sounds like a very selfish individual indeed and to be honest her behaviour sounds more than a little desperate !

I should imagine your husband is feeling incredibly guilty right now , knowing how much he hurt you and this isn't an easy feeling to live with, hence him not wanting to share any emotion with you about the affair. It isn't nice to see someone you love hurting, but in this instance I'd be inclined to leave it be, he brought it on himself and must deal with it himself ( ouch indeed that the only tears he's shed were because he was missing her ) it's a problem only he can deal with. Keep an eye out for any feelings of regret he may display about ending the affair, but other than that ignore it.

You have been strong in dealing with this , and honest with yourself and with him, you can't do much more than that.

Take care.

Helen

[samm]

i suppose in reality i learn of an affair 2 years ago because i had a phonecall then from another woman claiming something similar. we had 2 sessions at relate but he still denied it and said somebody had a grunge at work and although i really didnt believe this, i really wanted to believe it so, with his help i pushed it to the back of my mind.

But as you know an affair never leaves you, inside, from that horrible feeling of shock intially, to that feeling of pain when you pick up signs of the events occuring again.

I was only told of this recent affair on sat just gone (15th jan) , the woman telephoned me herself ( a different woman to the first,as this one is czech) so i feel i have my answer and now need to act on it.



samm
x

[sennen]

I know what your going through the differance is you say your husband has been open and honest and told you everything i think you will make it work,the hurt does stay foe a long time i,m afraid,my wife has had an affair i found out the week before christmas ,she was very upset probably because i found out and says its over but she wont tell me anything about the affair i have to shut up and get on with life which i find hard due to the dihonesty ,the lieing ,the humiliation etc.

Look if you believe and have love in your heart i,m sure you will survive your still together thats a majar step and it sounds like he loves you .

Hope it all works out

Regards

Sennen

[Anne22]

Sof F

Just read this thread - it does sound like your h wants to make things work like sennen has said - the problem I think you have is the one I have - we just cant get over the fact that they have done this to us - particularly when you were going through a bad patch! We often wonder if our marriage will ever be the same again and I am drawn to feel no it never will!!! But can it be rebuilt?

The loss of respect really hurts me more than anything - my h and I would talk about infidelity in the past and I always said I am not sure I could carry on if he had an affair - when it all came out my h said that he didnt tell me because what I didnt know wouldnt hurt me!!!!!! plus why should he risk me throwing him out!!! so why would he tell me!!! I feel very strongly that had I not confronted him he would still be flirting with workmates (might still be - not sure if I can believe him anymore) emailing women and sleeping with my friend still and perhaps others - I have a list of many, many women he has flirted with over email - he says that I have been out of the workplace too long (at home with kids and run a small business from home!) and this type of thing goes on these days!!!! Yeh right!!!

He has been in denial for so long and I know I have too - you may see my initial post where I mentioned I had been told he had slept with my friend but I didnt believe he would do such a thing so pushed it to the back of my mind! In hindsight I think at the time I was too poorly to deal with it plus small child and baby at home and h away alot!!!!

I do wish I had been stronger and more vocal - I like you have not shared any of this with family - for the same reasons as you - dont want to shatter my families impression on my h!!! I cant understand why I do this other than because I still love him!

Reading other posts on here - most people shout it from the houses!!!!

I do hope you survive this - good luck - keep posting and let us know how things are going!

Anne22