How can I win husbands love back?

[LisaH]

Any advice is greatly given. My husband told me a month ago that he no longer loves me and wants our relationship to end. We have been together for 12 years, married for 8 and have to young children. He has gone through a hard year and we have argued a lot during our time. He said this has wore away at him and he is no longer happy.

Due to my husbands job, it is me and the children who have to move out but we are very limited financially. Whilst I am waiting for re-housing, I see this as my opportunity to try and win my husbands love back. I have been emotional, argumentitive and OTT. Can anybody offer advice to try and win my husbands love back? I desperately love him and don't want to move and obviously my children love him too. He can be stubborn so things have to be done quite subtlety, but I love him so much I am willing to try anything. I don't want to give up on my marriage, I have told him this but he doesn't comment.

Thanks for anyhelp, from a desperate wife who wants to save her marriage and win her husbands love again.

Lisa

[lost]

Hi Lisa
I am new to this forum but, when I saw your post my heart went out to you. There are so many insightful people that will help. Here is my go at it.
Firstly, I understand your postion and the hurt and deep pain that a person goes through. I was in the exact same postion as you. I tried very very hard to regain my husbands love. Unfortunately for me he was having an affair and left me for the other women.
I can only say that I tried as I am sure you are to be sweet, kind and loving. But, of course, when you get no response to your kindness it brings on a lot of anger and frustration. I have to say you are very early on. But, I have to ask, do you think your husband is having an affair. I ask because most men do not give up their wives and children to be alone. Usually, there is someone else from my knowledge of my and other women's(and men's) positions. If you don't believe this is the case, then maybe he is depressed because of stress and you are the convenient cause in his mind.
I can only say, although it didn't work for me that you can be loving and understanding and do all the right things to try to win someone over. Unfortunately if he is being truthful and he does feel this way I am not sure there is much you can do. I think you can suggest going to councilling and maybe he will go. If not my best advice to you is to get strong, get as much support as you can. You must show him that if he does want out of the marriage you will not lie down and die. I think you must show strength, although believe me I really know how your heart is breaking and how painful it is. You will have to show him that he will lose a lot if this is what he wants. Maybe when he sees that you are not going to take his mental abuse, and that is what it is he may see the light. I think you must for you and your childrens sake not let him bully or try to make your life harder. I would stand strong and not let this man, no matter how much you love him treat you like a piece of trash.
I only give this advice because I let my husband walk all over me. I begged and let him get away with too too much. In the end it was humiliating and I felt worse about myself and it caused me more mental health problems. I was in denial, and tried everything to win his love back, I didn't. I am not saying this will be the case with you. I am pointing out that you need to protect yourself mentally also because some people don't have the capacity to care at all. I don't know if this is your husband but, I do know that you must live for yourself and hope he comes around in time.
I wish you all the best and I know too well what you are going through. Please do take care and do the best you can each day for you and your children. I am sure you will get more insightful posts, but I am just posting to try and help in anyway I can. I know how hard it is.

[Anne22]

Hi

Unfortunatley I am realtively new to all this too but also I empathize with your situation.:(

It is very hard when you love someone to think it is all going to fall apart.

I too wondered when I read your thread whether your h has found another woman - perhaps you may need to understand why he really wants out?

Maybe he is just weak and doesnt realise that life and marriage is not a bed of roses! When we commit to marriage we make promises - through thick and think, sickness and in health etc. Unfortuanately for some this means nothing!!!

I am not a particularly religious person, but I think it is a shame that the marriage vows seem not to be important with some people and separation and divorce is such an easy option.

My situation with my H has also been difficult due to his job - travelling - away from home, opportunities which he might not have had if he had a 9-5 job etc. so I know that work pressures can put an enormous strain on a relationship. I also know that he could have said NO!!!!

Unfortunatley something I have learnt over the last couple of months is that whatever you do, however hard your try to make things better etc you cannot control what your h will do!!!

You really need to get to the bottom of what you think makes him feel the way he does! I really hope he has been faithful because I am sorry to say if he hasnt there lies the answer!!!

Why would he want to give up on his kids - what lies ahead of him that will be better than you and the kids?

Whatever happens you must stay strong, you are a very important person - doing a very important job bringing up the kids and you need to try to chanel all your anger, hurt and worry into yourself and them!!!

My H has had three one night stands ('because it was on a plate so he took it!!!!) and acted like a real pr..t but I decided to confront him (at last!!! - took me a very long time and suffered in silence!) as I felt I was going mad, worrying that he might do it again and my self esteem was at an all time low. Following the death of my dad and a close friend I decided life was too short and took control! I decided not to accept any more emotional abuse!

I must say it took so much courage to do this as I thought that once it was all out in the open he would just run!!!! My biggest worry at the time! How would I cope etc!!! I often used to think that 'the light at the end of the tunnel was switched off'!!

I am now trying to make my marriage work - taking more control of my life and trying not to worry about what he is up to!!! Very hard I agree, I have good days and bad and its definately not easy, but it is his life and if he wants to give up all he has then I now realise I cant stop him!!

I do think that slowly he is realising that he messed up 'big time', he is not a big talker and it has been very painful for me to get him to talk at all sometimes, but he did say that if I had confronted him earlier he wouldnt have been unfaithful the last time! Whether this is true I dont know!!!!

He now knows 'what he would be giving up' and he also knows that we would sail along fine without him and perhaps another man can help bring up the kids!!! This really hit a nerve!!! Perhaps you need to make your H realise this too!

So sorry but all I can say is that you need to dig for the real truth - this might be painful - but without the whole truth like me you may feel like you are going mad!!!

My H said last month that I had changed so much - and that he might leave after Xmas, so my path is still not clear, but I do know now I will survive now! I often think now - is he good enough for me - he was weak and messed up not me!! It is very easy to blame yourself for everything going wrong and I did - I felt if I had been a better wife he wouldnt have gone elsewhere - this is not true!!!

The key to all this I feel is knowing the truth - you must insist that he is honest with you.

Armed with the truth you can plan and make decisions for you!!

I hope this has been helpful - remember you are the most important person in yours and your childrens lives - try not to fall apart - get strong!! Get lots of support if you can and most importantly - take care.

I will be thinking of you - keep posting whenever you feel low - this has cetainly helped me get strong.

Love Anne xx

[LisaH]

Hi

Thanks for the reply. Is there someone else? There was, a neighbour and my childrens best friends mother! I am pretty sure it was just an emotional affair and not physical but it is still pretty devastating. He said he needed someone to talk to and he found her easy to talk to. I found out and told her husband, I am 99% sure they are no longer contacting each other as from last friday (17 Nov).

There are other issues, my husband was married before and stopped seeing his 3 children for over 8 years. This was mainly my fault and now the resentment has helped end our relationship, along with arguing about the way we brought up our children. Anyhow, last week I wrote to his children who are now 19 & 17 (twin boys and a girl) saying it was my fault, and gave them their dads mobile number. I said that he didn't know I had written to them which was true. They contacted him and he went to see them on Sunday, and today he has gone down to pick one up to come and stay. It has all worked out for them and they are very happy and I am very happy for them. I was difficult about his children during our relationship because we had to go through 4 attempts of advanced IVF to get our boys and for a long time I thought I would not be able to have children with my husband. Obviously I have explained all this to my husband but it all seems to late. Also this year, his father who he has been estranged from apart from a few phone calls was diagnosed with cancer and had a heart attack, he is ok now though. He has also had a couple of problems at work in his new dream job. I keep hoping it is an acculmination of things. My husband gave up everything to be with me at the beginning of our relationship and now I think he is regretting it.

Am I doing the right thing trying to carry on as normal, this doesn't feel like home at the moment because I feel unwanted. The other week he did say that maybe it was a midlife crises, maybe if i moved out he may change his mind in a couple of months, he needs space, but we don't have the money for me to be able to move out. When he says these things he follows them up by saying he doesn't want to give me false hope.

But at the end of the day, I love hime, I made mistakes, he is the father of my children and I want my marriage to work, even though he says it takes two to want it to work.

He means the world to me. Any success stories out there?

Regards

Lisa

[Anne22]

Hi Lisa

So sorry you are going through all this sadness! I do hope someone will post a reply to you who has come out the other side with their marriage intact! Unfortunately I have not found many postings where this happens! I too would like to hear any success stories.

When you say your h did have someone else albeit an 'emotional affair' it made me think well perhaps he still does - why would he want an 'emotional affair'?

As I said previously my H is not a talker and he once said he had a very close friend at work who he sometimes talks to = it turned out to be a female - this hit all sorts of warning bells for me as why would this man I have known for over 25 years (since school) suddenly want to 'Talk' to another female? When I persued the issue he said it was because she was going through a rough patch at work with another work colleague! He assured me he wasnt talking about us!

I wonder why your h would have this type of 'emotional affair?' Have you been able to talk to him easily throughout your marriage? Were you able to get to the bottom of why he felt he couldnt talk to you?

It sounds to me like your H is going through what my h is/has - a 'midlife crisis' - unsure of what he wants, thinks the grass is greener on the other side!!! etc etc.

Sounds to me like your h has his fair share of complex relationships already and you leaving with your children would just add to that!!!! I am suprised he is willing to give up you and the boys you both went to so much trouble and heartache to have, in a flash!!!

I hope he is having a midlife crisis - (certainly the acculmination of all that has gone on recently is enough to tip the balance) and not an affair. However I feel his saying he doesnt want to give you false hope indicates to me that he may have already moved on!!!

Remember this was the man who gave up everything for you - he made that choice - not you!

Although you are still living in the same house, you sound like you are really living separately - this must be really hard on you emotionally - I feel that if you move out he will most probably move on - I may be wrong and of course it takes two to make a relationship but I hope you can be patient and try and get to the bottom of his reasons for wanting to end it.

Good luck Lisa and keep strong - get support from friends if you can share all this!

Thinking of you today.

Anne xx

[lost]

Hi Lisa,

After reading the rest of your story, you do seem like you are having a very trying time.

I unfortunately do not have a success story. I too would like to hear more of them, as they would give many hope of a horrible situation turning around.

I would suggest you should stay in the house. I think it would be unwise to leave the family home if you really want your marriage. Leaving I fear from reading your post would perhaps let him move on emotionally more so and perhaps turn the situation around to suit his own agenda. With my experience if it is indeed a "midlife crises" that he might draw away from you emotionally more so. This was my experience. Also, without making it obvious to him, I would really be very alert to find out if indeed there is not something else going on. Men that are experiencing the feelings he says he is are not very honest, from my personal experience.

Hopefully, you can reason with him that ending the marriage is not a solution. I would tell him that yes you have made mistakes. But, since you have done some work with reuniting him with his children that is a start. I would tell him that you would like a fresh start and that councelling may help to sort out all the issues.

Do your best everyday as I know you said you are. As the other poster said be patient, and I know it is hard. You do love this man and keep hope that he soon will be forthright with you.

[LisaH]

HI

The situation hasn't changed but here is an update. My husbands son came to stay for a couple of days and he is great, he was a joy to have around. Also having a third person helped to dissipate some of the tension between me and my husband. Yesterday my husband took his son back home and then went to see his father who he hasn't seen for approx 10 years. That all went well also. But my husband say's none of this is my business anymore. I feel very hurt when he says that.

I am still trying to cope in an optimistic way. I put a smile on my face regardless, I go around doing my usual stuff, talking to him about everyday sort of stuff but nothing deep. I suppose I am hoping he will see I have changed and that I meant that I could put all the trouble behind me. He probably takes it as a sign that I have excepted that the relationship is over. How do I let him know I still want it to work without seeming clingy, needy and pushing him away. Last week I bought him a box of chocolates, he said 'what for', I just said because I wanted to. They have been left unopen in the fridge so far, so this morning I opened them and left one on the kitchen table for him. He has eaten it but said nothing. I have been trying to be giving and open and not expecting anything in return, see how that works. I feel as if I have got nothing to lose.

Thanks for listening folks, it DOES help.

Lisa

[greeneyes]

Lisa
people dont fall out of love for no reason
sometimes stress and financial worries contribute to a marriage breakdown
Do you think there might be anyone else involved at all a this very monent - now not in the past??
sorry to bring this up but its worth thinking about before you put plans into action to "win back" his love

[Mike56]

Lisa, let me give you a partial success story! Somewhere her on-site is a suggestion about how to "stop" an affair - I'm NOT saying your h IS having one, but the basic principles can apply. In my case, I tried them on my partner and they did work.

Essentially the advice is to keep bing nice, just continue to do lots of good stuff, be happy, and generally loving. DO NOT seek to check what's happening, whether your partner is now starting to love you again, seek re-assurance, whatever.

Understand that you cannot change someones behaviours or personality - you can only change yours. IF that produces a change in your partners behaviours, that's cool. Incidentally, it's generally accepted that peronalities are essentially fixed, so if that's the underlying cause, the chance of success may be restricted.

Now, in my case, I started to be much more loving, supportive and "there" for my partner. And it DID work! She responded to me and things actually got a lot better. Sadly (or perhaps not) I then made the mistake of applying pressure for a decision (she was having an affair) and all that happened was that she proved how willful and selfish she can be and took her toys away and asked me to leave.

Now that may actually have been "a good thing" for reasons to do with whetehr I actually wanted to be with someone like that. Perhaps if I'd been more patient and not forced the issue, I'd eventually ahve pushed the other fellow out but no, I couldn't wait. And at the end of the day, that came down to my own pride and ego.

Anyway - just some thoughts - it was working. So try - and keep trying. Don't make the mistakes I made IF you REALLY believe you want this man. In my case, I now accept that my ex-partner was probably not the best person to be with, but that you'll recall was down to her over-riding personality traits.

Mike

[LisaH]

Hi Mike

That is all quite interesting, it is roughly the tact that I am taking, not pressurising or talking about feelings etc, just being nice and undemanding. This has only being going consistently for about a week so very early days yet. I realise also that being consistent is an important part, that is what I have found hard as sometimes something is said or more often than not, not said, and I revert back to being upset.

I guess I'll just keep trying.

Regards

Lisa

[Mike56]

Hi Lisa - work on the consistency hun! That was something that caught me out a little. My ex-partner said I had changed so much that she thought I was acting (I wasn't) but she watched like a hawk and on one occassion she pushed the boundaries to see what would happen.

She was good at that - this related to an overall issue which was essentially that as long as everyone ran around supporting her, everything was ok.

Anyway, she pushed her luck one evening, and my first response was of the "oh for goodness sake!" variety, and it showed in my face before I had a chance to just think about it and recognise it was actually no big deal and do whatever it was.

Also, she picked up when I got upset and decided that I WAS acting if I got emotional.

All in all, an interesting exercise in working out the true "person" I was dealing with, but the fact remains that it worked - albeit perhaps the universe / or God was really helping me by not allowing me to prostrate myself totally!

Keep trying - but you've got to really mean it, and want to, girl. And it will take time, because if you don't give it time, you'll be where I go to - remember I got impatient.

Mike.

[LisaH]

Hi Mike

Thanks for the advice. I too am generally impatient, but I am trying to live each day as it comes and if I can get to bed (seperate beds unfortunately) without an incident or him mentioning the end, then I feel not pleased but at least that I have survived another day.

As for the acting, I suspect my husband thinks this is not me, but I will never be the same me again after all we have been through and realising the mistakes I have made. Obviously I have told my husband this but he thinks people can't change, also he doesn't want a "yes" person, but to be honest, after all the petty arguing that we have had, I think, if I am agreeing with him, then he can't argue with me. He might actually enjoy it for a while and help boost his self esteem. I guess with us disagreeing all the time over stupid things must have wore him away, I know it did me but just not to the extent it did my husband.

Anymore advice greatly appreciated and thanks for the support.

Regards

Lisa

[tiamaria]

hello,
sorry if i have changed the subject but unsure how to start a new thread.
my husband had an affair back in april still hasnt come back home .
cant cope with the bills how long does a divorce take spoke to my solicitor a month ago havent heard anything since could my husband have the same solicitor?
finding it still very hard spoke to a councilor over the phone last week all that she could prescribe was anti depressants but i dont realy want to go down that road.
just dont know what to do, cant fight for my marriage threatened with harrassment just hope i dont meet her out when i have had a few too many she realy needs too know what she has done to my life its not fair she can get away with theft surely that is a criminal affence i wished we lived somewhere where adultery was illegal i would enjoy throwing the first stone!!!

[Helen]

hello,
sorry if i have changed the subject but unsure how to start a new thread.
my husband had an affair back in april still hasnt come back home .
cant cope with the bills how long does a divorce take spoke to my solicitor a month ago havent heard anything since could my husband have the same solicitor?
finding it still very hard spoke to a councilor over the phone last week all that she could prescribe was anti depressants but i dont realy want to go down that road.
just dont know what to do, cant fight for my marriage threatened with harrassment just hope i dont meet her out when i have had a few too many she realy needs too know what she has done to my life its not fair she can get away with theft surely that is a criminal affence i wished we lived somewhere where adultery was illegal i would enjoy throwing the first stone!!!Maria,

Divorce is hard - sorry to say it. Why the threats of harassment though? Who is threatening you and for what reason? If it is your husband, I would tell him that he is on thin ice legally and he needs to think again. But I would also think about your behaviour too...

Theft is only theft if both parties agree it is. You might think it is but it doesn't sound to me as though your husband will. What you want the stoning for is adultery. This is illegal in many countries - but only for women. It seems that in some places, a man's right to cheat is taken for granted; a woman has NO rights, even if her husband is a complete sh!t...

A divorce takes as long as it takes. If both parties co-operate, it can go through in 2 months. That is how long it took to get me from filing to Decree Nisi (I filed 23 November and my Decree Nisi was issued 27 Jan). But this only happens if everyone decides to co-operate. If your husband is not playing ball, you need to ask him why he isn't. He honestly does not have a leg to stand on. Not only do you have the story to tell, he is LIVING with the other woman! So what is the hold up?

In terms of the bills, make sure your husband is paying everything he is liable to pay legally. Ensure your mortgage brokers are aware of any legal decisions regarding your husband's obligations. And ensure your husband knows they know. That way, he will know that if he doesn't pay, they will be coming to HIM, not you, for payment. Do not buy your ex out now UNLESS this leaves you in a better financial position. After all, you need to think about your child, even if he isn't. When he gets cheesed off, I would remind him of this...

No idea how to console you because I honestly do not know enough about your financial issues. But be patient and draw strength from 'Kimberley's' thread (it is called 'Betrayal'). She was in the same boat as you and emerged from the other side and she is a great deal happier. Read up there and post with specific questions. I am sure there will be no end of suggestions and help for you.


Helen

[LisaH]

Well, folks, its all over now. Yesterday I told husband I still loved him and wanted the marriage to work, but he told me he doesn't love me and will never love me again. We have had 11 good years and 1 bad year and now it is all over.

He is going to hand his notice in with his job which will effectively make us homeless as the house is tied to the job. As well as my marriage being over I am now having to cope with asking the council to re-home us (god knows where we will end up, my kids have brought up on a farm an are used to plenty of outdoor space). They will probably have to change school which is terrible as they love their school and I will probably end up losing my job also. I work part time, school hours and I have told my husband I am not going to work full time as I think my boys need me more than ever, they are only 5 years old!

I feel so low and depressed, I think my husband must hate me so much put me and the boys through so much just so he can be free of me. What kind of monster am I?

Lisa

[Mike56]

Lisa, I'm so sorry to hear that news. Now you need to focus on YOU and the boys, and make sure you are all safe and that everything possible is being done to make that happen. And you will.

Also remember you aren't a "monster" in any way - it takes two to bring things to the place they are at.

Keep well - Mike.

[Annie2]

Dear Lisa,

I am so sorry to have read your recent post. Hang in there and still take each day as it comes. You are not a monster, far, far from it. You are a fantastic mother who cares greatly about her children and have been a loving wife who has worked alone to save her marriage. You don't sound like a monster to me. Your husband clearly has his head stuck far up his arse and can't see that.

Again, take each day as it comes. Every morning remind yourself that you survived the day before. Be kind to yourself and listen hard to yourself (meaning only you can understand what you can deal with right now). Soak up your children's love because their love will tell you just how wonderful you are.

I really wish you all the best and I hope you soon find that good moments -whatever they will be- will last longer for you.
Take care Lisa and keep posting,

Best wishes,
Annie xx