Is porn wrong ???

[wendy]

Hi there, could somebody please help me?
i've been with my partner for 5 years, i knew from the beggining that he had an interest in porn (the odd dvd every few months or so, or at least that's what i thought).
The problem is, when we got the computer a year ago, he's been logging on sites every weekend (secretly).. spending two hours on average fri,sat and / or sun looking at porn sites, pretending he's looking at rugby sites. I know because i've checked his files.
It's caused no end of arguments.
From his point of view, he says that it is something he's always liked to watch, it gives him a buzz but does'nt feel the need to masterbate because he says that he can masterbate without it.He does'nt go on chat rooms and does'nt e'mail anybody.
He says it does'nt change the way he feels about me, that he loves me and that it does'nt alter his sexual desire towards me and that i'm the only woman for him. That most men look at it and there are different extremes.
I've made it clear that it upsets me, maybe i should call it a day i'm confused with what to do.
He works away all week, so naturally i like to think he's thinking and focusing on me when he's home. Not me getting in from work on a friday teatime to find him on the computer looking at what ever.
What i'm trying to say is that he says it's normal.. what do you say?
I'd like to hear from a MANS point of views as well as ladies. I know ladies don't like it full stop, i've read some stories tonight. one or two like mine.:confused:

[Annie2]

Hi Wendy,
I think you've answered your own question. If your husband was looking at rugby sites on a fri,sat and sun instead of spending that time (or some of it) with you would that be a problem? Instead it is porn. For me it makes it worse because you feel confused and hurt (I doubt you would have the same feelings if it was rugby) and he is choosing to ignore that. That is the problem. You will never find a man who agrees that porn is a problem. It's not for them (or so they think) so regardless of their partners feelings/suffering it still isn't.
I don't know what the answer is. For 17years I've expressed my feelings every way and how to my husband but he still looks at it. So one thing is clear it is addictive because despite threats of divorce (our marriage is already broken from his affair) he still continues to look at it.
I too will be interested in hearing some honest male opinions. I think what I would like to know is why after your partner expresses her hurt does that mean so little that you can continue hurting her.
Good luck Wendy
Annie xx

[helenrw200]

Hi Wendy

My partner and I had ( yet another ) huge row on sunday regarding his use of porn, he cannot see the problem with it....despite knowing my reasons for objecting.I feel disrespected, hurt and bloody downright angry, but as annie says despite the fact that he knows he risks our relationship by viewing it, he continues to do so. I don't know what the answer is but again as annie says I doubt you'll get much male feedback...........

Helen

[Annie2]

Hi Wendy and Helen,
I think the damage that porn does emotionally to us is that we express our feelings about it and they are ignored. The choice is then ours do we end the relationship because our partners won't give up porn. It's so hard to do because they belittle our feelings with how insignificant porn is to them and we in turn feel we are overreacting, we surpress our feelings or believe (try to) that we are being naive. Actually I am at the point where having had 17years worth of my hurt and discomfort at my husbands constant porn obsession (must be he's used it more than anything else in life) that I am ready to walk away. I'm sick of being unheard and my feelings ignored. I've tried to feel differently, I've tried to understand it but I don't. Who has the problem me or him? I really don't think it's me. I'm vegetarian and he's a meat eater but I don't feel uncomfortable or sick about him eating meat. He supports one political party and I another but it still doesn't make me uncomfortable. It's the uncomfortable, sick, repulsed and used feelings that I've had enough with dealing with. I don't believe for a minute that when he is with me I'm not compared or a porn influenced thought doesn't enter his head. Yet do I enter his head when he is working himself into a frenzy over some airbrushed freak? Curiosity is one thing but years worth of consistent behaviour is another.
I think men will always say it's different and seperate but they are hardly likely to say different.
Good luck both of you I wish you well
Annie

[helenrw200]

Annie

My partner has said to me that he will stop looking at porn if I stop checking up...........yeah right !! In his eyes me keeping track of his porn viewing is worse than him viewing it because he " Values his privacy and hates being checked up on. " It's me who has the problem he reckons because " All men do it ." Basically I should shut up and put up. I no longer check his mobile, and rarely check the keylogger, but every time I do there's more porn, he can't see that if there wasn't, in time I'd start trusting and stop checking.

He said he would never be unfaithful hmmmmmmmm, so paying for live porn shows, having txt and phone sex with another girl etc is him NOT cheating ?? Bull !He says that for him to consider I'd cheated on him I would have to have actually had sex with someone else.So it wouldn't bother him if I was in contact by mobile with some bloke and talking sex ? I don't think so !!

Like you I'm sick of it all and often think of leaving, I feel degraded, it's turned me off him completely in bed because I'm always wondering which of his porn playmates he's fantasising about , I obviously can't compete with a nubile, tarted up, surgically enhanced 18 year old and don't feel I should have to, but often wonder if he thinks I should, despite his denials to the contrary. My self esteem is at rock bottom and worst of all is the fact that as he knows how much it hurts me, and if he loves me as he says he does,why has he not stopped ? Does he have no respect at all ??


Helen

[faithb]

Your husbands/partners are not viewing/looking at porn. They are masturbating over it. Stop sugar coating it. If it gets to the stage that it has in my relationship where they prefer to masterbate over porn than have proper sex then I really don't think there is anything you can do except end it. Believe me i've tried everything and have 12 years of unhappy experience of this.

[Annie2]

Helen,
I can really identify with your pain. My husband believes I am simply 'jealous'. But like you it's the disgust and lack of respect that I feel for him that I struggle with. It's the complete disregard to the very real and painful feelings I get from his use of porn. If it is simply about escapism or that its simply insignificant then why does it provide them with more quality feelings that are put first over our hurt. They enjoy it that much that our feelings only spoil their fun and so they belittle them or disregard them. That is the problem, when someone who should be more loving and caring about their partner neglects responsibility and puts their own selfish needs before our real need to stop hurting.
Men claim that 'all men do it' so what about 'all women hurt because of it'. I don't think either is particularly true but I do believe there is probably an equal enough number for each.
I really believe it can cause a huge problem in marriage because look at us, we are hurting our men are ignoring us because porn IS more important to them. Is that right? I'm not a prude but when it comes to my husband looking at shemale porn sites which frankly having had the misfortune to discover I was sick as a dog. He even felt 'compelled' to look while he was supposed to be looking after our two youngest children at home on a Saturday afternoon. Yet apparently it did nothing for him. Why did he feel compelled to look. When your husband is doing this on a regular basis for over a number of years I really think you could call it an addiction. Coffee is an addiction for me but I don't lie about it or try and hide it.
My husband had an affair and the feelings of low self esteem, hurt and betrayal are exactly the same as I feel when I discover time after time he is using porn. He too says it's not the same but I don't have to agree, it feels the same for me. To try and change how I feel or ignore it is just too much now.
I really wish you all the best Helen, I feel we are in a no win situation.

Annie

[helenrw200]

Hi Annie

I wouldn't even begin to describe the sort of porn my partner has looked at, it disgusts me, he had the nerve to say to me that I had no right to object to him looking at pictures of naked women. Pictures of naked women ? As if he's guilty only of glancing through some soft porn, top shelf, lads mag. I really do think these men are blinkered , I've noticed some sexual problems he has that I've discovered can be the result of frequent porn use, such as retarded ejaculation, mainly because over doing masturbation causes an increase in the need for " tight " stimulation, as in a hand , which obviously can't be gained from penetration. Frequent porn users can also find that their need for more and more explicit action can mean they find a normal woman is no longer enough to stimulate them, and I must admit our sex life is quite hit and miss at times. I wonder, despite his denials, how long it will be when looking isn't thrill enough and he needs to experiment with a new body... or many new bodies, if he hasn't already..

As far as I'm concerned anybody who can't give something up even when they know it's causing immense pain to someone they profess to love, has an addiction , getting them to admit it however is another matter.

I know how you're feeling Annie, it's a s**t way to live.

Take care.

Helen

[Mark555]

I'm a pretty average guy. In fact, I have always tried to be the "all-american" man. I work hard, Travel, I am educated, and I go to Church regularly. I have 2 children and a wonderful wife. On the surface I am pretty normal. I will try to describe my own experience and tell you my thoughts and feelings.

I have always had a desire for playboy type images. Psychologically, I have always liked attractive atmospheres, such as houses, cars, groups, buildings, etc. My drive for money derived from wanting all the beautiful, clean, ornate objects and atmospheres I could be around. Years ago I could not describe it that way, I described it as the "all american life". I thought that Playboy is just what upscale college men read prior to getting married. I thought that as soon as I got married my desire to look at others, in a desiring, way would end.

So, I looked for my perfect soul mate. I have always been romantic and could not wait to find the perfect person for me. I did have to wade through some relationships in order to get my perfect woman. We met at church, and fell in love. We vowed to keep pure until the wedding night. (note: I am not pure, just this relationship).
After the wedding I felt no need to look at porn. I already had a computer and was semi hooked on porn, but only occasionally.
After a few months I was an all out sex maniac with my wife. I wanted to make love twice a day. She could not keep up but tried. I had always felt that I would never push someone to make love if they were not in the mood.
So, I used porn to keep me at bay and not make my wife feel bad.

It was that way untill we had kids. Now, she rarely ever feels like it. And I want it at least every other day. I love my wife, but I feel unloved physically. I believe it when books (even christian books) say it is a basic need for men.

Now, my wife has started to gain weight, and she has practically no control over eating. Better than some, but not many.

Now I have a wife that we get along great, but no sex. It's like having a Corvette to drive but no money for gas.
I feel undesireable, unwanted, unloved (passionwise)and only a friend. I don't want just a friend, I want a lover too. This is where it gets difficult.

I wrote this today, because I have a strong desire to go to a stripclub. I have been only a handfull of times. I have not excuse. it is wrong, but I will tell you the reason:

I have a basic desire to have relations with my wife, whose face is still as pretty as a decade ago. But, I want to put my hands around her tiny little waste and be able to pick her little frame up again. Holder in my arms and make passionate love. I can do any of these things.

It is tough on a man in this world. No one chases after you. You do all the chasing. Even after marriage. At a stripclub women chase after you. You feel desired. I know it is fake, but that does not matter. The need to be desired is very strong. They come and sit on your lap. You can only put your arm around their waste, but that makes a man feel very much like he needs to feel. Excited and desired by a pretty, fit woman.

Here is some advice. It's simple. Men want the same woman they married. Whether this is mature or not. It does not matter. They want the positive, upbeat, Fit (not necessarily slim), woman they married. They need them to keep the make up nice and hair nice and clothes nice (not fancy). Good jeans and a white shirt with candies shoes will do for most. He needs for this Godess he married to desire him. Read a romance novel. Watch a romantic film on lifetime tv. Do whatever it takes to make him feel like the Tom Cruise, Tom Selleck, or Knight in shining armor. That is what he wants. He also wants adventure. Start a Dance class together. Or a Karate Class together. Whatever can make you adventurous again. Read the book "Wild at Heart" by John Eldridge: At the end of each chapter is a segment for wives only. Read the book "For Women only" by Saunti Feldman. They can be found at christian and regular book stores. I bought them for my wife to read, but she has not done so. You must read these to get more of the inside scoop.

I will work on my urges with a counselor, but I can't do it alone. Right now I am.
I hope this helps. I just gave you honest info. Not perfect info, but honest.

Take care and God Bless.
Mark

PS: Pray for me and my wife.

[kovalsap]

Hi

Not trying to cause any arguments but I know lots of girls who like porn, so I cant see why you would say girls don't like it.
I can't really see a problem with it, why don't you try watching it together and then make your mind up if you like it or not.
It's like people who say they don't like pizza but never tried it.
I also know couples who watch it together and they say it makes their sex life a lot better and stops them wanting to go with other people.

Hope you don't take it the wrong way but this is just my point of view.

:)

[helenrw200]

Kovaslap

Who was this post directed at ? Never mind I'll answer it anyway.

Shall I tell you why I dont like porn ? From age 5 I was sexually abused, filmed and had said film distributed to many friends of my abuser. This continued well into my teens. Hence my dislike of porn

To address your second point, nobody is saying there are no women who enjoy porn, the point is, if you KNOW your wife doesn't and it hurts her to think of you watching it, then why would you continue to do so ?

If I knew my partner would be hurt by something I was doing, then would it be ok for me to keep doing it if I could see no harm in it ?

Helen

[markw555]

I hope you don't mind me chiming in again. I think kovalsap has a right to his opinion, but I would say that the people he speaks of is in the monority. I think the rest of the ladies posting is in the Majority.

Correct me if I am wrong but most women find fulfillment in the cuddling and romance and not the sex itself.

I remember an old socialogy professor saying that: "women have sex to get love and men express love to get sex." While it is not an exact definition of me, I do believe the general principle is correct.

Take it for what it is worth.

Mark

[kovalsap]

Sorry to hear that you was abused and I hope the person who did was locked away. The main aim was at wendy's comment, when she said that ladies dont like it, full stop.
Yourself have a very good reason for not liking it.
If i knew my partner had a problem with porn or had been abused like the way you was then i would not watch it simply out of respect and love for my partner.
However in some cases men don't know if a women likes it or not until its too late. It's not a subject that you can bring up over dinner, so when in a relationship is this a good time to bring up ?
I`ve met women who talk about like its a normal subject and some who keep it to themself, so how do you know ?
I work with alot of men over the years and I don't think I've met any who has not talked about sex or porn in some way, its a man thing.
I'm sure there are plenty of men who don't like it, but just saying that I not met any.

Hope i've not upset you.

Kovalsap:)

[wendy]

Hi Annie, thank you for your reply.. I'm sorry to her you're going thro' it too and for so long. Last week i found an article from the daily mail dated may this year, they say about 40 percent of the male population logged onto porn last year, i thought it would have been more than that. people have wrote in to give their views on internet porn. Thanks again Annie for being so understanding and sharing your thoughts, i feel like you know me.. we do share the same feelings, unfortunately our partners don't. good luck and take care, wendy xx

[wendy]

Hi Wendy

My partner and I had ( yet another ) huge row on sunday regarding his use of porn, he cannot see the problem with it....despite knowing my reasons for objecting.I feel disrespected, hurt and bloody downright angry, but as annie says despite the fact that he knows he risks our relationship by viewing it, he continues to do so. I don't know what the answer is but again as annie says I doubt you'll get much male feedback...........

Helen
Hi Helen, thanks for sharing your feelings, i can imagine how your feeling. My partner tells me i'm jealous, maybe me and you are Helen, i think with good reason too don't you think.. It's like we're talking about the same person.. I'm trying to be open minded and look at things from his point of view.. Maybe i'm (or you and me) are being too comprimising with putting up with it.. or just trying to deal with it.. I'm sorry your hurting too, i know exactly how you're feeling Helen, when we've argued- i feel like i've got a lead weight in my stomache, like all my energy has been sapped out of me, then numb..disapointed and let down.. good luck Helen, wendy xx

[wendy]

Hi

Not trying to cause any arguments but I know lots of girls who like porn, so I cant see why you would say girls don't like it.
I can't really see a problem with it, why don't you try watching it together and then make your mind up if you like it or not.
It's like people who say they don't like pizza but never tried it.
I also know couples who watch it together and they say it makes their sex life a lot better and stops them wanting to go with other people.

Hope you don't take it the wrong way but this is just my point of view.

:)
hiya, you're not causing any argument with me, i don't disagree with porn altogether..
I have suggested that we watch it together, he agrees- but it never happens! That really narks me. I've come to the conclusion he preffers to watch it alone.
I think that's where alot of these problems stem from in a relationship. wendy xx

[wendy]

I hope you don't mind me chiming in again. I think kovalsap has a right to his opinion, but I would say that the people he speaks of is in the monority. I think the rest of the ladies posting is in the Majority.

Correct me if I am wrong but most women find fulfillment in the cuddling and romance and not the sex itself.

I remember an old socialogy professor saying that: "women have sex to get love and men express love to get sex." While it is not an exact definition of me, I do believe the general principle is correct.

Take it for what it is worth.

MarkHiya Mark, you are right in my book. cuddling and romance is like a main couse dinner to me.
sex is like a pudding, i love a pudding after a meal!!.. if you get what i mean...
romance and cuddles are nice, sex is sooooo important to in my book. I'm not a nymph but it makes me feel more loved and attractive by being wanted in that way. Thanks mark Wendy

[wendy]

Kovaslap

Who was this post directed at ? Never mind I'll answer it anyway.

Shall I tell you why I dont like porn ? From age 5 I was sexually abused, filmed and had said film distributed to many friends of my abuser. This continued well into my teens. Hence my dislike of porn

To address your second point, nobody is saying there are no women who enjoy porn, the point is, if you KNOW your wife doesn't and it hurts her to think of you watching it, then why would you continue to do so ?

If I knew my partner would be hurt by something I was doing, then would it be ok for me to keep doing it if I could see no harm in it ?

Helen Helen, i'm so sorry to hear what happend to you as a girl, that's the worst experience ever.. how did you ever cope with getting over that. You must have been absolutely terrified..people like that should be mutelated.... , sorry darling.. love wendy xx

[wendy]

I'm a pretty average guy. In fact, I have always tried to be the "all-american" man. I work hard, Travel, I am educated, and I go to Church regularly. I have 2 children and a wonderful wife. On the surface I am pretty normal. I will try to describe my own experience and tell you my thoughts and feelings.

I have always had a desire for playboy type images. Psychologically, I have always liked attractive atmospheres, such as houses, cars, groups, buildings, etc. My drive for money derived from wanting all the beautiful, clean, ornate objects and atmospheres I could be around. Years ago I could not describe it that way, I described it as the "all american life". I thought that Playboy is just what upscale college men read prior to getting married. I thought that as soon as I got married my desire to look at others, in a desiring, way would end.

So, I looked for my perfect soul mate. I have always been romantic and could not wait to find the perfect person for me. I did have to wade through some relationships in order to get my perfect woman. We met at church, and fell in love. We vowed to keep pure until the wedding night. (note: I am not pure, just this relationship).
After the wedding I felt no need to look at porn. I already had a computer and was semi hooked on porn, but only occasionally.
After a few months I was an all out sex maniac with my wife. I wanted to make love twice a day. She could not keep up but tried. I had always felt that I would never push someone to make love if they were not in the mood.
So, I used porn to keep me at bay and not make my wife feel bad.

It was that way untill we had kids. Now, she rarely ever feels like it. And I want it at least every other day. I love my wife, but I feel unloved physically. I believe it when books (even christian books) say it is a basic need for men.

Now, my wife has started to gain weight, and she has practically no control over eating. Better than some, but not many.

Now I have a wife that we get along great, but no sex. It's like having a Corvette to drive but no money for gas.
I feel undesireable, unwanted, unloved (passionwise)and only a friend. I don't want just a friend, I want a lover too. This is where it gets difficult.

I wrote this today, because I have a strong desire to go to a stripclub. I have been only a handfull of times. I have not excuse. it is wrong, but I will tell you the reason:

I have a basic desire to have relations with my wife, whose face is still as pretty as a decade ago. But, I want to put my hands around her tiny little waste and be able to pick her little frame up again. Holder in my arms and make passionate love. I can do any of these things.

It is tough on a man in this world. No one chases after you. You do all the chasing. Even after marriage. At a stripclub women chase after you. You feel desired. I know it is fake, but that does not matter. The need to be desired is very strong. They come and sit on your lap. You can only put your arm around their waste, but that makes a man feel very much like he needs to feel. Excited and desired by a pretty, fit woman.

Here is some advice. It's simple. Men want the same woman they married. Whether this is mature or not. It does not matter. They want the positive, upbeat, Fit (not necessarily slim), woman they married. They need them to keep the make up nice and hair nice and clothes nice (not fancy). Good jeans and a white shirt with candies shoes will do for most. He needs for this Godess he married to desire him. Read a romance novel. Watch a romantic film on lifetime tv. Do whatever it takes to make him feel like the Tom Cruise, Tom Selleck, or Knight in shining armor. That is what he wants. He also wants adventure. Start a Dance class together. Or a Karate Class together. Whatever can make you adventurous again. Read the book "Wild at Heart" by John Eldridge: At the end of each chapter is a segment for wives only. Read the book "For Women only" by Saunti Feldman. They can be found at christian and regular book stores. I bought them for my wife to read, but she has not done so. You must read these to get more of the inside scoop.

I will work on my urges with a counselor, but I can't do it alone. Right now I am.
I hope this helps. I just gave you honest info. Not perfect info, but honest.

Take care and God Bless.
Mark

PS: Pray for me and my wife. Hiya Mark, if i were you- i'd book something that your wife would enjoy doing to show her she is loved and see her response to you.
It's a nice idea buying someone a book but i think sometimes it can confuse and mis -direct issues.
If my partner bought me a book "For women only".. I'd question -why that book.. Yet i'd probably like to buy it myself for me.
You really need to sit down and talk with her and tell her you love her and what your needs are from her..in a soft way..
does she feel uncomfortable about her weight gain?
As for strip clubs, it does'nt solve the problems in your relationship..
yeah, what you get there is fake.. Your relationship is'nt, work at it with her..arrange something nice for you both and see what happens good luck wendy

[wendy]

Your husbands/partners are not viewing/looking at porn. They are masturbating over it. Stop sugar coating it. If it gets to the stage that it has in my relationship where they prefer to masterbate over porn than have proper sex then I really don't think there is anything you can do except end it. Believe me i've tried everything and have 12 years of unhappy experience of this.
hiya fiathb, i'm not sugar coating anything and have'nt stated that my partner preffers masterbating over porn than have sex with me. we DO have sex as frequent as we did when we first met.
just for the record, men masterbate anyway, it's human nature- whether they masterbate over porn or not..
i'm sorry to hear that you've had 12 years of unhappy expeirience of this, why have'nt you ended it? wendy x

[Mark555]

Wendy,
Thanks for the advice. I hope that my opinion, no matter how misguided, help you with some insight to guys brains. I find that my opinions like this are the norm and usually on the milder side from most men.

Take care,
Mark

[Helen]

I think you would be surprised about women chasing men! All most women want is to be desired and nurtured unconditionally. If a man gets this right, having a woman desire him won't be a problem. To discover that a man wants you to look the same years down the line is disheartening. That is setting conditions on your desire, which to me is unacceptable. How about all those men who go bald, develop disgusting beer bellies and just get fat and flabby? They can't even use pregnancy as an excuse! What's going on with them and is the expectation that us women should just put up with it? If so, perhaps you could explain why this is, from a male perspective? Also, it would be helpful to know why some men view women differently if they change?

I find myself wondering if your wife knew about your porn use. It is possible that if she did, this drove her to eat for comfort. Hence the weight gain, the turn off for you, no doubt the rejection of her and her eating more - perhaps for comfort. I think most men live in cloud cuckoo land when it comes to fantasising about playboy types. In the real world, none of those types would ever look at most men yet this is what lots of men fantasise over. Not only that, they use porn containing such images and this undermines their wife's confidence because they can never compete with that. Well, 90% of the time they can't. Obviously worrying about competing appears not to be a problem for Wendy but most women, after pushing out 3 or 4 kids, would mind if their mates were more turned on by Barbie than they were by them...

I also found myself wondering why you felt the need to have sex as often as you describe. Several times a day is excessive, especially when your wife has a house and children to take care of. Once a day would be enough for most men. Heck, most men would be content with every other day and most men would not need to use porn in between. I just find it bizarre that you have this craving for sex all the time. Yes, it is a physical need but most men do not need to rut constantly or even daily. I think you will find it is your fantasy playgirl women who are driving your need for more fulfillment rather than any inbuilt desire that you quote as being part of man.

As to your statements about not wanting your wife to change, if this is true of all men, you all need to get real! Of course we are going to change, especially once we have kids. There are going to be changes to the pecking order because we have to focus on our kids. Mother natures sets things up so that we do. Not only that but there will be physical changes after you have kids. Not so much if you only have one (as in my case) but if you have several there are BOUND to be changes. So any man who impregnates his wife more than once and expects her to look like a perky teen forever needs a reality check. That is never going to happen.

I think this is why lots of men turn to fantasy. They think women should not change and they need to understand that some change is inevitable. People change anyway, especially as they grow older. If they have children, those changes are even more pronounced. I think once men understand and ACCEPT that change really is inevitable; once they accept that if they nurture their wives and make them feel desireable, regardless of their size and perkiness, the need to indulge in porn will not be so all consuming because chances are their wives will want to make love more anyway.



Helen

[helenrw200]

Helen

I couldn't agree more !

When a woman feels desired her sex drive increases, if you are spending your time wondering if your man is fanatsising about some teen he's seen on the net, how can you relax enough to enjoy sex ?

For women sex begins out of the bedroom, if her man makes her feel wanted, adored, desirable then chances are her libido will flourish. If however she feels she is in competition with some air brushed , 18 year old then her self esteem will plummet.


Markus

I truely hope you are NOT a reflection of men in general , your attitude to women quite frankly leaves a lot to be desired. We are human beings NOT sexual playthings......... can't help wondering how many women would find you attractive if they knew you had this attitude toward them, and if women thought the same way, then God help you if you ever started to lose your hair or develop a little " pot belly ". We can't be youthful and beautiful for ever.............

Helen

[helenrw200]

Wendy

My abusers were never punished , the abuse stopped when my male abuser ( My Godfather and next door neighbour ) died of a heartattack and shortly after my dad and I moved away. His wife continued to send Christmas cards to me for many years, containing hidden messages of threat. I eventually got strong enough to rip them up without opening them and she died last year in her 80's.

I never told my dad what was happening, he was diagnosed with clinical depression after my mother left him when I was 5, I was a very introverted and quiet child and a very promiscuous teen, but I chose not to tell him why because of his mental health problems.I eventually married at 16 and left my home town.

I've had therapy most of my life on and off and have talked openly of my experience with any prospective partner, explaining my hatred of porn and the reasons behind it, this is why I was so devasted to discover my present partner's avid porn use. He has known my feelings toward it from day one, but chose to ignore it and do it anyway with little regard for my feelings. What it boils down to is lack of respect and selfishness on his part.

Sad, because we had a very strong relationship before all this came out, and he's ruined it completely, he's destroyed any trust I had in him, and for what ? A cheap thrill ? Madness..


Helen

[SouthofFrance]

I was really interested to see this thread. I do think that a lot of men are more sexual than women, and I have had to live with my husband wanting sex 5 times a day for the last 13 years, not that I don't want it, we have what a consider a fairly healthy average of twice a week!!! But with 3 under-fives, we cannot honestly be expected to offer it whenever they want.
My husband has always masturbated regularly and I have never had a problem, seeing it as release of sexual tension and giving me a break from him drilling a whole in my back when in bed!!! However, the masturbating became more and more frequent, mostly in times of anxiousness or boredom, it is a proven clinical fact that the chemicals released in masturbation offer a kind of high.
Then he turned to internet porn, I knew he looked from time to time but have since found out how much.
Finally when another woman offered it to him on a plate he had an affair that lasted a year.
My point is - it is an addiction, it goes from strength to strength, having had many tearful conversations with him about it, I was amazed to find out that the shame and lack of self worth he felt was immense. And because of this self-loathing he would do it again to escape.
Have you tried asking about how he feels once he's done it? Personally I think porn is natural, and agree it can be enjoyable within a couple but there are limits and when it becomes all consuming escapism it is a problem, particularly for Helen with your background which your husband is being really insensitive about. These men have an addiction and need treating for it.
I too was abused as a child and having gone to counselling etc, I realise that maybe I do have hang-ups towards sex, in that I find it very hard to let go completely as there are asscoiated feelings that however buried are not nice, and it must be the same for you Helen, you must feel terrible because you have already had your 'sexual trust' broken from a very young age and now it is happening with the person who is supposed to be supporting you emotionally. The other woman allowed my other half to go at it hammer and tongs releasing his animal side (again not realistic to maintain that level of passion in everyday life) again it all boils down to escapism.
Our counsellor has sugested my husband refrains from masturbation for a month and he is struggling but at least I can see some pride coming back, even if he is frustrated sometimes. But equally he has to understand that much as I love him (despite what he has done) we women do have to think of 100 other things in a day and not just sex!!!
I would urge you to find out - what they are escaping from and how they feel after the initial high. Make them realise it is not a quick fix but an addiction.
Hope that helps.

[helenrw200]

Hi Helen

I agree to a certain extent that porn can be addictive and there is no doubt that some men do quickly become addicted , maybe to the thrill, or the illicitness of it ?

I've never had a problem with sex , I have a reasonably high sex drive and the abuse I suffered as a child never really limited this. The big turn off for me is simply the porn, and this is mainly because of the deceit and disrespect. As well as feeling revulsion at it , I also feel it distorts a man's view of how women should be viewed and treated, it reduces women to objects of sexual gratification.

I've had lots of treatment over the years and I think even the psychiatrists were confounded that I didn't reject sex altogether , but I never did.What I always have had a problem with though is trust and as a teen I was, as I said previously ,very promiscuous, mainly because I never trusted anyone enough to enter into a relationship with them and although I married at 16, I went into it thinking if it didn't work out I could always get divorced. I married for a number of reasons but the main one being to escape from home.I purposely chose a man I knew I didn't - and would never have any love for , probably so that if necessary I could leave without qualms. When I had my first child I was relieved it was a boy but even so it was difficult for me to get close to him and sadly even now there is a distance between us , he was never neglected in any way but I had no way of knowing how to express love, it wasn't a natural emotion for me. My second child was easier in a way because of his disability , he was a very demanding baby and I had no choice but to be a hands on mum, conversly I am closer to him even though my first child was an angel by comparison.

What happened to me affected my life and my emotional well being to such an extent that even now I have to have psychotherpay just to deal with what some would consider everyday problems, my coping mechanism is different to most peoples and if I find myself getting close to someone , I push them away , a normal relationship is out of my field of understanding. I tend to test people and of course at some point they will fail and then I can tell myself they didn't love me so I was right.

The one thing on Steve's favour is that despite this he's still here , the porn and trust issues are huge and difficult to overcome, and I will never be able to accept that despite knowing how strongly I feel about it... and why .. he just can't/won't stop. The hurt I feel is immense.

Maybe I expect too much ? I don't know. I do know that it makes me sick to my stomach each and every time I see what he's been looking at . To me it is infidelity, he may as well have been with them, I just will never be able to see it as harmless fun , I know what it feels like to be on the other side of that camera and while I have no doubt that some of the " actresses" enjoy their work, I can see the fear on the faces of the others , some of whom are little more than kids.

Does porn progress to affairs ? It can I believe , when looking isn't enough, what then ? You can clearly see from Marks' post that it gives men distorted expectations of what a woman should look like and makes them dissatisfied with what they have.Sad really.


Helen

[smackie9]

Kovalsap this has always been a touchy subject with women. I'm a woman and I openly admit I like porn. I don't have a problem with it like most women do. I get pooh-poohed for mentioning such a thing. I don't mind at all if my husband looks at a porn mag while he's sitting on the john or goes to the stippers with a buddy. I'm not threatened by that at all.

But there are men who, like drugs and alcohol, are addicted to it. I feel if you have to have a daily or regular need for it, especially having it on your laptop, or popping a dvd in instead of going out with your friends, well I would say you have a bit of a problem. This habit can really take over your life, lose your job, and end relationships.

So there's two sides of the coin here.

[GHYVR]

Porn... 70% of the Internet is Porn. 20% is schemes to make money, and 10% is estimated to be "other". Go figure.

Being an average male, porn is always something a guy strives to see. Growing up and getting your hands on a magazine was like finding gold.
I live in a Country that is not liberated such as Europe. Take Amsterdam for example. Sex is highly tolerated there, to the point of pornography is a simply way of life. Where I live, people freak out at the slightest mention of it.

Then turn on the TV. Oddly enough, our cable service blocks out channels that are considered racey, yet on friday nights on basic cable anyone can watch a porn movie that has no block out whatsoever.

Alas, none of all of the above hit home until I had a daughter. I became as gaurded as the rest of the country, in hopes of protecting her from the evil porn that seems to be lurking around every corner.

She logged onto Google once and searched for Disney Land (this was a couple years ago). i was with her. Luckilly enough I distracted her as the page she clicked on said Disney Land, but sadly not surprisingly, some HTML guru slagged his Meta File to include that word into his Porn Sight. Disney!!!?

Porn isn't wrong in my opinion, it's how it's how it's used that is wrong.

[GHYVR]

Point well taken. When I hear this perspective, of course it changes everything.
I guess what I was trying to say is, Porn will never go away. It is best that it is handled correctly in order to protect those you aren't looking for it.

In my daughters case, I would be livid if she saw anything like it (I myself don't watch porn, but inindated with it via email spam etc...)

Appreciate your point. Well said.

GHYVR

[Jeffrey]

You need to learn two things:

Manners
How to spell.

Your over-the-top judgements on people are quite uncalled for. Talk about mean, militant and just nasty....

And yet, you can call yourself a christian?

and you have a daughter....that poor girl...I hope your happy to have her work for a boss whos been watching degrading porn and marry a man who watches it and lives next door to a guy who watches it etc etc...because attitudes like your will garantee she grows up in a pornified world where her VIEW and EXPERIENCES of life WILL be coloured by porn

[Raymond]

Yes it's wrong. Mental adultery in fact. Remeber Jesus words about looking at a woman and lusting after her?

[DMSP]

Mark.... I understand what you are syaing, but women want the same thing. Women want to feel desired and loved and wanted, but If a man is always looking at porn than how can she feel that way? I never understand men when they say they want the women that they had pre-baby. You knew befored you had sex that she would get bigger. I"m not saying that to be rude... but I just think men feel like they are entitled to look at porn if their wives arent exactly the way that they want them. You get married for better or worse. HOw would you feel if your wife was always looking at naked men.

[Tia]

Its so interesting to read the different views on porn and what damage/ good it can do to marriages/ relationships. Personally, i think porn is evil. All you see is a fantasy which is not real. I donot know too many women who manage to live a normal life ( and by that i mean juggling a job & family responsibilities) and transforms into a sex goddess at the flick of a button. For men, watching porn would only add to your frustration, and you only get the initial release.I appreciate sex is a basic necessity for men, and perhaps wives/ partners should probably make the effort sometimes but i still want to believe there is more to our relationships than sex. To those who are feeling the damaging effects of porn, i believe there is more to this than the actual watching of porn. You feel belittled, not heard and the frustration keeps mounting. I suggest you go to God. Fortunately, this website has got some fantastic resources you could tap into. We all have our issues in marriages & relationships. I have come to realise that praying or speaking to God is the best way to deal with it all. Afterall, he came up with concept of man & woman in the first place.He can turn situations around and you'll be surprised how quick changes happen. Seek counsel or help if needed and try getting your man to open up. Nagging or venting your frustrations won't solve the problem at hand as you already know. There is a different issue at hand, and you need to link up to one who'll listen and heal every hurt that you have. God bless you all.

[Raymond]

Agree totally in what is being said. It doesn't mean that I am not being tempted but giving in is a victory to the enemy with consequences in one's marriage. I believe it is mental adultery and I always feel that something has entered between my wife and I if I dwell on something that presents itself too long, as it will in the age we are living in.

[Fairyraine]

I have been reading the threads to this great debate. I too have been damaged mentally and emotionally with my husband's use of porn. I believe porn is wrong and is such a degrading issue for every person concerned.
I am at a point in my relationship where I feel I have had enough and will not put up with being treated in this manner any longer. Yet I do not know how to move forward. I too find it difficult to come to terms that my husband continues to watch porn when he knows it really hurts me. My husband is a great father to my children and a lovely husband for the majority of our relationship but this issue has been ongoing now for over 16 years. My husband has always watched porn and was brought up with his father in a male dominated household where it was readily available. I on the other hand led a very sheltered life where sex was never mentioned. I have tried to come to terms with this issue but have found myself going round in square circles. I am so sorry to read there are many other unhappy women out there. Raine.

[Raymond]

I don't know if you are a christian Raine, but if you were I would highly recommend prayer, not just for your own peace of mind, but for the solution to this problem in your marriage.

It has become a big problem in the world and the solution is not from government but from the church. Have faith in God. Christ is still the answer. I know I could have been washed away in the flood of porn we get these days without being able to have faith in God through Christ. He keeps me daily.

I will pray for you Raine.

Raymond

[carrie12]

Porn is wrong because it is fantasizing having sex with someone other than the person you are having a relationship with. That is cheating. Just because the fantasized sex doesn't happen physically, it has happened in the man's head and his heart. That is not being faithful.

[sdcs1970]

I feel looking at porn is wrong. I was molested as a child and so I was very shy and a little stiff when it came to sex. My husband watched porn a lot, and I felt it was because I wasn't very experienced. I decided to talk to my husband about what I went through as a child and asked him to be patient with me and that I wanted a more fulfilling sex life. I decided to watch some porn with him and we had a great sexual experience after that. I thought that after that, maybe he wouldn’t need to watch porn. Well, men like porn. I started thinking that it was my fault that he watches it. I thought I was to fat (from kids and medications) and unattractive and so on. I decided to stop worrying about what he was doing and started getting back into shape and started having a life of my own. First of all, it was a turn on for him to see me working out on my treadmill and we started having sex more often. Then as I started to lose weight, he was too worried about what I was doing to worry about looking at porn for long periods of time. I don’t know if he still looks at porn or not, but I don’t want to waste any more of my precious time trying to find out. Ladies, I know it’s wrong, but how much more of your time do you want to waste trying to find out if he’s looking at porn and arguing about it. If you have other problems in your marriage, I can understand you might want to leave. But if you look at your marriage and the only problem you have is porn, don’t let it go. Ladies please go to this web site and read “Real Love Essays”. http://www.commitmentchronicles.com/essays.htm
Start putting yourself first. Then hopefully he will come around and start putting you first also. Then if the marriage ends, you can say you gave it your all. Good luck to all of you. And remember prayer changes things.

[Trying_not_to_get_resentful]

A question for the anti-porn crowd....

If a couple is in a sexless marriage because one of the parties has no desire for sexual intimacy, is porn not a reasonable substitute for physical pleasure?

What do you suggest a couple do in this case? Before you reply, know that we've exhausted the usual channels for help and have accepted that we will raise our children together and remain in a sexless marriage.

[carrie12]

I am told that all men look at porn, but statisticaly speaking, the ranges are from 20% to 50% of men (I think these are studies with different age ranges), this is certainly not all men! Raymond, it is wonderful to hear from a man who understand how it hurts people!! Yes, I can understand that sometimes you are tempted but it all matters what you do with that temptation. Thank God for men like you, please be open with other men that you think like this, spread the word that being a man does not equate to being a pig! Some men say that this is the way that men are, and seem to need to look at porn to prove to themselves that they are men. Men like you are the REAL MEN. Your willingness to not look at porn shows your STRENGTH. I wish you and your wife the best in everything that you do!

[carrie12]

THis is a difficult situation. I truly feel that porn is adultery of the mind and heart. However, if you are no longer in a relationship and it is verbally AGREED on both parties to no longer be intimate, it is understood that it is a very difficult situation. When I speak against porn, I personally think that porn is degrading to women. However, I have the strongest feelings about this with people who are presently in a relationship, and that makes a huge difference, to me atleast, if the person is in a relationship. It doesn't sound like you are in a committed relationship.

[helenrw200]

I don't see why you need to use porn as a means of sexual gratification , there are other means . Imagination for one thing , a very under-used resource these days !

Helen

[Raymond]

A question for the anti-porn crowd....

If a couple is in a sexless marriage because one of the parties has no desire for sexual intimacy, is porn not a reasonable substitute for physical pleasure?

What do you suggest a couple do in this case? Before you reply, know that we've exhausted the usual channels for help and have accepted that we will raise our children together and remain in a sexless marriage.

First. Thank you Carrie for your comments. I,m not perfect but I am very aware of the damage porn does to the sharing and intimacy of a couple.

tntgresentful. Sorry you are having the trouble you are having in your marriage. I don't believe porn is the answer for anyone. I am assuming it is your wife who doesn't have the desire. There could be umpteen reasons for this a few of them will be, abuse as a child, rape, too many partners before marriage etc. etc.

You will be part of the answer by loving her, taking things slowly building up trust, which will take time. Trust is a thing that takes the longest to build up but can be broken the quickest. We are all sexual creatures deep down and she will probably need healing, faithfulnees, security etc. until she is awakened to you physically. She must want this but it cannot be rushed. I think porn will close the door and make things worse. As for your sexual needs in the meantime I am sure she will be able to do things to relieve you, even if it's only out of duty. It doesn't have to be intercourse right away. Use a bit of imagination, but be considerate to her situation.

You must love her physically as well to have married her, so you have a lot of motivation to help her, although the primary motivation must be love, not to get something out of her, but to help you both in your marriage. Porn would be a cop out that could make you an addict and swallow you up over time. If you had children would they want a porn addict for a father. I doubt it.

Raymond

[Raymond]

A question for the anti-porn crowd....

If a couple is in a sexless marriage because one of the parties has no desire for sexual intimacy, is porn not a reasonable substitute for physical pleasure?

What do you suggest a couple do in this case? Before you reply, know that we've exhausted the usual channels for help and have accepted that we will raise our children together and remain in a sexless marriage.

First. Thank you Carrie for your comments. I,m not perfect but I am very aware of the damage porn does to the sharing and intimacy of a couple.

tntgresentful. Sorry you are having the trouble you are having in your marriage. I don't believe porn is the answer for anyone. I am assuming it is your wife who doesn't have the desire. There could be umpteen reasons for this a few of them will be, abuse as a child, rape, too many partners before marriage etc. etc.

You will be part of the answer by loving her, taking things slowly building up trust, which will take time. Trust is a thing that takes the longest to build up but can be broken the quickest. We are all sexual creatures deep down and she will probably need healing, faithfulnees, security etc. until she is awakened to you physically. She must want this but it cannot be rushed. I think porn will close the door and make things worse. As for your sexual needs in the meantime I am sure she will be able to do things to relieve you, even if it's only out of duty. It doesn't have to be intercourse right away. Use a bit of imagination, but be considerate to her situation.

You must love her physically as well to have married her, so you have a lot of motivation to help her. Porn would be a cop out that could make you an addict and swallow you up over time. If you had children would they want a porn addict for a father. I doubt it.

Raymond

[1cor13v13]

There is adultery.. and there is fornication. Speaking from a faith perspective, God wants both men and women to stay pure, so asks us not to enter into fornication (if you are unmarried) or adultery (if you are married). So, either way, committed or not, from a moral perspective, we are accountable - if only to ourselves!

I am married to an honourable man who chooses not to use pornography. We don't even watch films with 18 certificates (or where we know that there is unsuitable content)! He was raised in a home where pornography was not used. I was raised in a home where I recall some rows about pornography and both my brothers do indulge. I know that my husband is rare amongst men, and I am very grateful.

I believe that couples should discuss these issues before marriage, as they can be very degrading (Carrie12 mentioned this too) when discovered later on in the relationship. Often people are 'so in love' that these things are just glossed over... until things get really tough, there are problems in the marriage ... and then the default mode sets in. Best to be prepared.

[Trying_not_to_get_resentful]

Thanks for the thoughful replies...and the not-so-thoughtful ones too.

I don't want to go into the long list of things we have done/are doing, but suffice to say she knows she has problems with intimacy and is not willing to do anything "out of duty" for her husband. After several years of marriage she finally agreed to professional help but it was too little, too late.

The challenge for me is--how do I accept her the way she is and still manage to meet my own physical needs and need for intimacy?

[1cor13v13]

[The challenge for me is--how do I accept her the way she is and still manage to meet my own physical needs and need for intimacy?]

I am sure you can do it. It just depends on how badly you want this relationship to work out.

[helenrw200]

There is intimacy and then there is sexual intimacy , is there still affection in your marriage ? Do you still hug and kiss ?

I know living without sex is difficult , sex brings two people close and keeps them there but marriage can survive without it if the love is strong enough. People lose their sex drive for many different reasons , sometimes for no reason at all and it's one of those things that once you stop doing it , it can be virtually impossible to start again. The other person feels neglected and cheated out of what was once a pleasurable part of a relationship and the person without a sex drive feels guilty and inadequate and sometimes pressured and both start to feel unhappy.

I guess it all depends on how strong the marriage is and the love you feel for her in comparison with your natural sexual urges. Have you discussed the fact that you feel porn maybe an option for you ? If so how has she reacted ? if you haven't , do you think she would accept this as an alternative or would she feel hurt ? Some women with low sex drive feel relieved to not to have to try , whilst others feel a failure and are horrified .

You know your wife best , do you think porn is an option ?

helen

[Trying_not_to_get_resentful]

I really don't care if porn is or is not an option....I want a solution that I can use today. I don't care much for the religious whack jobs who offer unrealistic advice. Save it for yourselves and your own kool-aid sessions.

I am looking for a practical solution that a father, comunitty member, NORMAL person with a healthy relationship with God can use to cope with this problem. Granted, this might be the wrong thread for that...

[helenrw200]

I'm not religious, I'm not even a christian. You are looking for a solution that doesn't exsist. You know the choices. I am merely pointing out that you know your wife best, and you know how you feel about her . Whatever you choose to do, someone is going to either get hurt or miss out .

Look at the stories of the people on here who are going through or have been through the same thing, what do you expect ? A magic wand ?

If you come onto a forum like this and ask for opinions that's exactly what you're going to get.

And ummmm you did post on a thread entitled is porn wrong and specificaly asked if it's wrong in your position........


Helen

[twose]

Well I will say this depends on the couple and their way of thinking, see basically we love porn so it isnt a botheration for us if any one of us is found watching the same but the case is different in other cases. Though it would be best to sort the problem out by talking and if there arent any solutions on sight then I am afraid it is better to choose the individual paths.

[steph_stephanie1985]

Hello, I would just like to add a few things. First of all, enough of this "women like this and men like this" nonsense. Believe it or not, I know plenty of men who do not like porn, and are disgusted by it. And I know plenty of women who enjoy porn on a regular basis.

However, I realize that wasn't the point. But since everyone was making it the point, I thought I'd clarify and say not all men are the same, not all women are the same. We are all unique.

Anyway, Helen, and all you other women and men who feel mistreated or suffering in your relationship. You need to sit down and have THE TALK with your partner. You need to lay flat out on the table how you feel. Some couples are not like this, I understand it can be very tough, or even seem impossible. Bite the bullet and tell them they are hurting you, not paying you enough attention, whatever the deal is. If they don't get it, or don't try, request a trial seperation. If the person you love isn't taking care of you, who else will expcept yourself?? In a relationship you should be supporting each other, loving each other, and trying not to hurt each other. If your partner doesn't get it...welll, would you rathar stay in a relationship with someone you love that hurts you or be on your own and not be constantly hurt? It's your choice.

And to the guy who said his wife eats too much, and he wants to put his arms around her tiny little wait, or whatever...stop hiding behind other guys. The whole male population is not the same, and whatever other men think has nothing to do with your situation. You need to realize how you feel, and talk to your wife about it. No doubt, since she is out of control with her eating disorder, she has a low self esteem. You acting the way you do doesn't help. Try reaching out to her emotionally, ignore the sex for just a little bit. Help her with her probelm instead of judging her for it.

You guys, all of you, I was so sad reading all of your stories...I hope I am not coming off cold. I feel for all of you, and wish you the most happiness and the best of luck.

I guess you are wondering who is this girl on her high horse preaching to us.

Well, for the past 3 years my fiance and I have not been able to have sex. I had a problem with "down there" that the doctors did not figure out what it was untili just recently. Basically, when he penetrated, I felt as though I was on fire.

We really missed sex during that time, and got very frustrated, and went through a lot during that time. However, without sex issues, we were able to get down the root of the problem, and not hurt each other or try and fix issues with sex. It was probably the best thing for us. And now that we can have sex, we appreciate it, and we make love. We listen to each other.

Please don't think I am in a perfect relationship I went through hell to get here, we used to fight all the time, etc. etc.

But I am telling you now, there is a voice inside your heart, or head, or whatever, that will tell you honestly if this person is right for you. If they are, fight for them. But if they won't stop doing something that simple to stop hurting you they are not worth it...

I randomly found this website while I was reasearching both sides of the porn issue, for a paper I have to write, so I most likely won't be back on here.

If you do want to contact me, and discuss this further, that would be awesome.

Email:

readingis_magic@yahoo.com

Thanks, and I do wish the best for you all.

[Helen_uk]

steph

Interesting that you should have chosen to post this now, my relationship split up just over a week ago.

I agree that communicating your feelings should be the way forward however it doesn't work for everyone !

My partner ( ex ) had every knowledge of how his behaviour was hurting me. We had talked about it and the reason's why, from day one. He chose to do it anyway increasing my mistrust to the point that we could no longer stay together.

Personally I don't object to couples viewing porn, I object to a man.. or woman.. doing something that both hurts and offends the person that they profess to love. It's about respect .

Nobody can control anybody's behaviours but their own . I don't have a relationship now and it started with his viewing porn, despite my strong feelings about it and this bred the mistrust that finally killed any hope of us recovering. In an ideal world you would sit down with your spouse and have " The talk " and everything would then be ok, in reality it doesn't work that way. Partly because the other person has to be willing to listen and understand and then act.

I'm glad that you and your fiance managed to sort out your problems , it isn't that straightforward for everyone......

Helen

[emmielouise]

Hi Ladies and gents. i came across this site as i was also having problems dealing with the porn issue. I am deeply sorry to all you women out their who are going through hell with this. i have joined this forum to have my say, i am not going to point the finger and blame men or women for what they enjoy.
Here is my story...
When i was 12 i was sexually abused by my moms boyfriend which caused alot of problems in the family, which ofcourse it would anyway..at the age of 14 i had my first boyfriend, someone who i thought i could really trust,someone who wouldnt hurt me, how wrong i was, he took a special part of me, a part of me i wanted to save for that someone special,and because i kept saying no he decided to cheat on me with my best friend and she found out on my birthday that she was having his baby. he was 17 and she was 23/24.
At the age of 16 i again was raped and cheated on but also was hit around a few times,and also was used as a sex toy for him to use while he looked at other women so you see i do understand where you are comming from.the reason im posting this now is because i have another issue for you guys to discuss........OK honestly, how many women on here own a viberator? reads romantic books and gets aroused by it? by the feeling of being loved the way the man in the book is loving that woman?
see men look at porn for a simple fact...they cant visulise as good as us women so they need it. it doesnt mean he loves you any less, it just means when your reading that book and get aroused by it, hes looking at people being intermate with each other, even tho most of it is fake, its all about fantasy and thinking about doing that for real even tho they wont/cant.
see women their is more porn/books/mags ect for men than their is for women but on the other hand their is more toys for woman than men. we have our little toys and whatever else you get and they have theirs.
Its not all about how they look its about what they are doing and who/where their doing it.
I have had this problem myself but realised it was a problem within myself. me and my partner sat down and had a long chat about how we felt and we both decided that we could look at it together but within moderation...
I suggest that you ladies make your men sit down and have a long chat and bloody well make him listen and if that doesnt work i suggest you go out,get yourself a nice dress and go out without him knowing and instead of being obssessed with porn he will be worried as to your whereabouts.
Hope this has helped
Lotsa love n hugs
Em

[wiseoleweazel]

Hi

This is my first post here on the forums, but i felt that maybe my own male point of view about this might help. Sorry if some of this has already been said or youve reached your own conclusion already but hope this helps.

Firstly hun the single biggest problem you have right now with your partner is a trust issue, first and foremost this is a big NO NO in any relationship, and although it can be someone being really purposefully untruthful, usually there is a reason for someone to be keeping quite to someone they claim to be in love with, this is usually down to a breakdown in expectations and communications.

You are not wrong, nor bad nor neglecting for the way your feeling, not one bit so dont for a moment think you are being too hard on him, instead i want you to take note of some of the things i say and see how they apply to your own lifestyle and relationship and see if you can draw any closure from it.

Me and my partner emma are a couple that look at porn together, but that hasnt always been the case, it had its up's and downs, and we finally reached an agreement. I will say this, i never looked at porn behind my partners back, that to me would be untruthful and i love my fiancee very much. Instead i always sought to discuss my requests and feeling, her own views on the issue and what she thought about it.

She has been abused and treat badly, yes even when it came to pornography, but even through that she has always kept an open mind and not outright denied that porn exists and that it's always a bad thing.

With my hand on my heart, i say that we men are not great at visualising anything, why do you think that video games sell so many copies, and that gaming is taking off in a very big way, and is a mostly male dominated market?. We are thrust into worlds that visualize those childhood fantasies with generated graphical worlds. You will have heard alot of men claim that they love their partners very much. Solely for the sake of your heart, your life and your relationship with someone im thinking otherwise you love dearly and shows his love in other ways?, take my word for it, if you trust him in every other way, it might be worth trusting what he says on this and most importantly of all, rather than really bitching eachother out which gets nowhere, discuss it calmly, with unbiased views and see where it leads you both.

You have every right to feel anyway you want to, on whatever topic you want, but do you not think it best to have all the facts before you, so as to make an educated decision on how the realities of his behaviour affect your life?.

My own personal reason for looking at pornography are not some sick and twisted, sex crazed, unloving middle aged dirty old man, thats just myth. I love my partner more than i can possible fit into this post and i am also my own man. When i look at a picture, a movie or whatever i do so with her by my side looking too. She see's everything that goes on, and is not made to feel left out of it, its not some selfish obsession i have, but more a means of adding more to things.

My partner is bi sexual, and being a man well its not possible for me to encompass all of her sexuality, even though she has chosen me, a male as her long term partner i see it as wrong to not allow her full sexuality to be explored, and she does this through pornography too. We also see it as a healthy decision in our relationship. How many relationships do you know or hear about that break up because someone felt trapped, things got stale, they realized they settled for someone less than what they deserved etc?. With our decision it is an outright guarantee we will never feel pressed into any degree of adultery, feel guilty for our thoughts or likely ever split up. The key to any relationship is to never try to change the other, to hold them back or to stop them. That doesnt mean put up with everything it simply means that when you say your vowes you put up with them till your dying breath or your last nerve till all else is lost and every part of that person you loved is gone.

To get to the root of the men and porn issue you have to return to nature. A womans natural instincts are to find a source of good genes, a provider/hunter worker type, and to sustain a family. Again from a purely natural point of view (and you have to face the fact we are biological no matter what our inteligence over animals), a man's natural instinct is to impregnate many females for the purpose of ensuring his own genes survive in the genepool and to secure the future of his own biology. That is the very core reason why porn ever becomes an issue for anyone, and marriage stands against a mans natural instinct, thats where inteligence kicks in. We then are human and choose a long term mate with our hearts not our penis, for alot of reasons not just sex. Men are weak too, so we do "think" with our penis, which harks back to the natural cycle.

So why is that even relevant to your situation?, simply because he chose you with his heart, his mind and his love for who you are, the way you look, act, smell, laugh, it's his body itself that is causing this big issue for you and you never know he might feel like i have done in the past, that he isnt worthy of you, that you would be better off with someone else and that guilt could be eating him up inside. This is the one part of all this that i never see discussed anywhere and i dont want you guys to part if all it amounts too is nature kicking in and not knowing how to cope with it.

Just talk to him with no prior notions of it being bad, listen to him and what he says, assure him that you wont shout, that he is safe to say anything he likes to you with no reprocutions, and vice versa. Outright banning nature is something mankind as a whole cannot do, so im afraid no matter how hard you try, if you tell him to stop, he is just going to find some way to circumvent that, and likely feel like a failure in the process.

If you would like to discuss anything with me and my partner in confidence you can always email wiseoleweazel2005@hotmail.co.uk and we will hold your hand through difficult times, not pressure you with our own views but to help you keep a level head and make the right decision for your long term happiness, wherever that may lead.

Good luck to you and hope some of this helps

[seaview]

Hi

Not trying to cause any arguments but I know lots of girls who like porn, so I cant see why you would say girls don't like it.
I can't really see a problem with it, why don't you try watching it together and then make your mind up if you like it or not.
It's like people who say they don't like pizza but never tried it.
I also know couples who watch it together and they say it makes their sex life a lot better and stops them wanting to go with other people.

Hope you don't take it the wrong way but this is just my point of view.

:)

Just been reading this thread for the first time.

This post is bang on....men are always painted as the villians with Porn,but there are many women who also enjoy using Porn and indeed couples.

I cant see what the problem is really.If a man has to resort to using Porn on a regular basis then there is something wrong with the relationship and that usually means that the wife has lost interest in sex or they are just bored with each other.I think there is a place for Porn in a healthy relationship to keep things fresh and exciting...the pity is that women see it as an evil and a threat to them,so we see all the ooutpourings of mockrage from them about it.

[Raymond]

If you cannot see what is wrong with porn Seaview then I think you have a problem. Do you really want your children to have a porn addict Dad (and it is addictive). As for spicing up the marriage, it does the opposite in fact. Read the threads.

Where is this woman who likes to watch porn with her husband (in the brothel?). I've never met her at least. There may be one or two. Who knows? I think they are not wise though getting their men into it as it will not stop there. It will stir up something that cannot be controlled I'm afraid. Even common sense must teach you that using porn does not make for a faithful marriage.

Reaymond

[danielx]

I agree with seaview. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with porn. What is wrong is peoples attitudes to porn and to each other. If people spent more time on their relationships and on each other and less time trying to blame their problems on porn (Porn is bad, therefore you are bad. Porn is wrong, therefore you are wrong and I must be right), they might sort those problems out.

Nothing is helped by people trying to take a moral highground as an alternative to simple communication and understanding.

Porn can be addictive, alcohol can be addictive, work can be addictive. Addiction is often a symptom and not, in the first place, a cause. Unless the whole situation is addressed then people are just wasting their time, no matter how righteous they may think they are being.

DX

[Raymond]

I couldn't disagree with you more I am afraid Daniel. Porn has destroyed many marriages because it is a kind of mental adultery. Sex I believe is designed to be within relationship not something to be ogled at by someone who is not even in relationship with the person or people they are ogling at. It is a sexual experience and therefore is unfaithfulness. Granted men can be under temptation but that doesn't make it right.

As I said before it can be addictive, a bad addiction I believe not to be compared with work addiction which is just a matter of emphasis.

I speak as one who can be tempted as other men, but believe it is something to resist for the sake of my marriage and for my own self esteem because deep down I know it is wrong.

Your arguments are based on calling something right which I believe is wrong. You have to make your own decisions, but you have to be careful that it doesn't get hold of you and you come to the place where you have no choice about it.

I am not against sex. I love sex, but believe it has it's place within the relationship of marriage where there is commitment and intimacy. One lights a fire in the hearth. If you light it in the middle of the living room you could get burned.

Raymond

[danielx]

I never said that porn was right and I would never base an argument upon a statement like that - to do so would be as bad as basing an argument on the statement that porn was wrong. As long as people adopt manichean attitudes to their relationships and refuse to deal with their simple humanity they will achieve nothing.

I don't think you understood a word I said.

DX

[seaview]

I agree with seaview. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with porn. What is wrong is peoples attitudes to porn and to each other. If people spent more time on their relationships and on each other and less time trying to blame their problems on porn (Porn is bad, therefore you are bad. Porn is wrong, therefore you are wrong and I must be right), they might sort those problems out.

Nothing is helped by people trying to take a moral highground as an alternative to simple communication and understanding.

Porn can be addictive, alcohol can be addictive, work can be addictive. Addiction is often a symptom and not, in the first place, a cause. Unless the whole situation is addressed then people are just wasting their time, no matter how righteous they may think they are being.

DX

Great post Daniel...I agree,and you put the points over much better than me too!!..its like saying alcohol is bad...sure,it can be,like most things if taken to excess.

[Raymond]

You did say Daniel that there is nothing fundementally wrong with porn. I am simply disagreeing with that.

Seaview it is slightly different from Alcohol where a little does no harm. Porn in the sense that we understand it in this day is wrong I believe, even a little of it. You give it an inch and it wants a yard.

Why should I cultivate a sexual desire outside of the marriage relationship? That can only harm me as I see it. It will also affect my self respect even if I am not caught. The zenith of sex is within marriage. Anything coming against that intimate area in a marriage has got to be wrong. Women feel this more than men and we should listen to them.

Raymond

[danielx]

Raymond - If you wish to disagree with me, then that is fine, but don't claim that I said something that I did not. I try to choose my words carefully. If I say that I do not believe that porn is fundamentally wrong, that is not the same as saying that I believe that it is right. I actually consider both positions untenable and both positions unhelpful.

Porn is also not an entity with desires. People have desires, porn does not. It is up to you whether or not you give it an inch and if you choose not to, it will not come after you. Porn is simply not an active party - people should be responsible enough to handle their relationships properly.

No one has told you that you should cultivate sexual desires outside of marriage, but if you do then that is up to you. Porn is not going to make you do this and neither am I. Do not claim otherwise, because it just looks silly.

Handling relationships properly requires communication and a certain amount of willingness to listen and understand. That means starting without unhelpful preconceptions - hence my initial statement regarding porn. Starting from positions of right and wrong do not help understanding and do not help communication.

Women are, generally, better at communicating than men and, yes, men should certainly listen, but women should try to listen too and understand. Men do not always express themselves well and if they start at a perceived moral disadvantage also, because they have been prejudged by a facile statement such as 'porn is bad' then the situation becomes harder to resolve.

I thought that is what I said. It seems obvious to me and clearly reasoned.

DX

[Raymond]

I cannot work out what you are saying Daniel. You seem to be saying that it is not wrong or right. All I can say is that it is not right for me. Lots of people I know will say the same thing. I see the damage it can do.

With regard to it being an entity with desires I was being figuritive, but like all temptation there is an inner voice behind it that can draw. The bible is very clear about this. In one place it says that sin desires to have you and is crouching at your door. My figuritive speech comes from this.

Anyone who is resisting a temptation will vouch for this. Someone who is trying to slim for instance can almost describe a cake saying come on eat me although they know it would be wrong for them. The cake isn't wrong in itself but the desire to overeat is. This is what I am referring to. I do believe in good and evil and temptation. We do not live in a neutral world. We have good desires and wrong desires and I believe the desire for porn is wrong and a perversion of the sex drive.

Raymond

[danielx]

Raymond, you seem to be slowly getting the point: I am not saying that porn is right or wrong - I believe that either statement is misleading and to base an argument upon such a flawed premise, irresponsible.

Porn is not stalking people and relationship trying to cause damage. It has no particular power or agenda and it is not really responsible for anything. People should take responsibility for their own actions.

It is morally irresponsible to use arguments or phraseology that imply porn is an active party. To use your analogy, a cake asking to be eaten could be symbolically equated to a woman asking to be raped: indeed arguments like 'dressed provocatively' and phrases like 'asking for it', have been used to mitigate the crime of rape, by actually presenting the criminal as being, in some way, the victim.

Cream cakes are not out to get you Raymond, and neither is porn.

Porn and cream cakes are essentially passive. People should be responsible for their actions and should not be blaming the devil, or porn, or God for providing temptations which test them. Temptation will always be there, and how we deal with them is the important point, not whether they are right or wrong.

Maybe your statement that the desire for porn is wrong and a perversion of the sex drive is correct - I am unsure of that, but I still believe that it is still symptomattic of underlying problems rather than the cause itself. It is easy to blame porn for damaging relationships and to get support for such a statement, but I doubt that it is strictly true or really helping anyone address the true underlying problems. To address the underlying problems is likely to require couples facing fundamental truths about the course of their relationships and feelings towards each other: the truth is that these are harder to deal with compared to the bland and unqualified statement that 'Porn is wrong'.

DX

[Raymond]

You seem to ignore my remark that I was speaking figuratively Daniel.

I think you have to accept Daniel that we are capable of being corrupted. It has been known you know. This problem is massive in the west and getting bigger. Thousands of marriages are being affected. Yes porn is an instrument being used in this. You cannot escape that. It cuts right into the basic sexual intimacy of a couple.

You seem to be partly conceding that the desire for porn is wrong and a perversion of the sex drive. If one has a good marriage and is communicating with their loved ones they will know this instinctively. It would surely affect my relationship with my wife and with my children. I know that beyond a doubt whatever you say. It has a way of affecting ones mind causing them to look at the opposite sex in a different way, not with respect.

Porn is a big industry done for money. People are doing things with people without any relationship, simply for the camera to hook in the ones who would be susceptible to it.

It is also addictive. After the original highs the victims want more and more explicit things. Things which I would't even mention on here, as I think even you would be shocked. Some of it leads to sexual violence in the long run as the normal sexual things no longer give them a high. The thing that is missing is relationship. It becomes a sole voyeur type of thing looking at others performing. Many of those in it really deeply will be incapable of relating to a woman sexually as it breeds a sexual selfishness that will not stand up to a normal relationship.

I would say buyer beware if you value you sanity.

Raymond

[danielx]

Raymond, when I say that I am unsure, I mean that I am unsure. Likewise, when I say that I choose my words carefully, I mean that I choose my words carefully. I have conceded nothing and nothing I have said implies that I have.

This personal vendetta against porn is helping no-one and does not take into account individual situations. If people have problems then those problems should be addressed. Use of pornography may be symptomatic of a problem, but it equally may not. To directly imply that porn is the problem as soon as it is mentioned is irresponsible of you, and you are not tailoring your reply to individual cases.

The bland statement that 'Porn is wrong' may be one that many people will agree with and I am sure that it feels righteous to take this stand, but I do not believe that it is right, or that it is helpful.

DX

[Raymond]

OK Daniel you are conceding nothing. That is your prerogative. I don't have a personal vendetta. This is a marriage site and if you read the threads you will see the damage watching porn will do in a marriage. I have long known this long before I came on here.

You will just have to disagree with me. I believe it is very unhealthy to fill your mind with porn, personally speaking and it needs to be said by men as well. A lot of women are being pressured by men suggesting there is nothing wrong with it. I seem to stand alone among the men on here but that doesn't change the truth none.

Let's just agree to disagree.

Raymond

[danielx]

I do agree that it is unhealthy to fill your mind with porn. I do not agree that porn usage is the true cause of many problems, but more symptomatic of them, arising because of underlying issues.

DX

[Raymond]

Let me think about that one Daniel. I am off to work just now.

[Raymond]

Daniel wrote:

I do agree that it is unhealthy to fill your mind with porn.

Agreed

I do not agree that porn usage is the true cause of many problems, but more symptomatic of them, arising because of underlying issues.

DX

That is true, but it is also true to say that watching porn causes it's own problems - personally and in marriage. One may watch porn because of a problem, but one can also watch porn without a problem and soon get one.

Raymond

[Alice Alice]

porn is wrong
if we are talking about the porn i know you know the disrepecting type...is there porn that promotes love and trust and communication???
a selfishless kind??
....i don't think so PORN is like the fast food of sex a big mac with cheese and fatty fries ...a combo of instant self gradification but feeling hungry in less then an hour not wholesome not healthy ...one day these people will wake up to a big nothing

i have put this sight on my hubands desk top in hopes he finds it

[Raymond]

I think you speak a lot of truth on that subject Alice.

Raymond

[Alice Alice]

you are very insightful... thanks i read alot of your posts

[Swimming in Regrets]

Hi..I'm new here. Just a few comments if I may.

Someone asked why some men don't like sharing the porn experience with their wives. I believe that for a man alone watching porn is a very intense experience. Men's primary arousal sense is the visual and many men get so involved in what they are seeing that they actually feel that they are there having the experience. To have a woman, especially a wife or girlfriend beside you is simply a distraction and ruins the fantasy.

To suggest ways for a couple in a long term sexless marriage to start up again is really quite futile. More often than not the couple has already tried everything under the sun to fix the situation. Depending on the causes, sexual hypoactivity is the hardest thing Sex Therapists have to deal with. It also has the lowest cure rate.

Women in these situations usually masturbate using toys and fantasy while men use porn. Both miss the intimacy but have learned to live without it, otherwise they would have left.

Religious or not, pro porn or anti, the reality is, porn is here to stay. Even if the United States became a theocracy like Iran the govenment would never be able to stop porn access unless they took every computer out of every office and home. Shutting down porn production in L.A. or going after the internet providers won't work because the business will just move overseas. Borders cannot stop porn.

All we can do is take care of our own situations. It is hard to give advice to women who's partners are using porn because many men can look at it and still love and make love to their wives. Other's come to prefer porn and masturbation and stop having sex with their wives altogether. The trouble is we don't know which casual users will become hardcore users.

I believe the real porn problem is not upon us yet because the main source of easy to get porn, the internet, is still fairly new. It is the men who start watching porn on the computer at 12 and condition their sexual arousel mechanisms to only react to the porn/masturbation experience who will have enormous problems in their sexual relationships with women in the future.

Already Sex Therapists are beginning to see these young men in their offices complaining that they are losing their erections or have difficulty experiencing an orgasm during intercourse because it feels so "different" They complain their penises feel "numb". Little wonder, a vagina can never reproduce the heavy friction of a firm grip. And most women can hardly compare to Hollywood's Pornobabes.

As feminist Naomi Wolf said of these men: "real, naked women are just bad porn"

[Alice Alice]

THIS IS YOUR QUOTE .....Swimming in Regret
(i can't get the quote thingy to work)

"""It is the men who start watching porn on the computer at 12 and condition their sexual arousel mechanisms to only react to the porn/masturbation experience who will have enormous problems in their sexual relationships with women in the future. """"


So these words ring true with what has been happening to my husband and i don't want my son in the future to be in the same boat as his father

You say porn is here to stay well no one really wants to put their energy into stoping it i sure don't
But i can have a say in how i want my live my life and porn is not in the "picture"
i live in reality i am a real woman with real feelings and if my husband feels the need to lie to himself about reality then he is just shelfish selflieing human being who needs to wake up and smell the java

don't you want to be true to yourself in life
secrets are for presents in Christmas and Birthdays you know what i mean

your theropist is just making money on your watch. Time is money
maybe you are not listening to your theropist and he isn't pushing you to understand

I will paint a picture for you...the kids are at the grandparents
You and your wife are on a trip or far from the everyday you guys just finished swimming in a beach or lake she is smiling and laughing her hair is on her face she pulls it back and BAM you just think she is beautiful in everyway
your mind in that momment is at 100% in the momment and you realise how happy you are because you will be making love to her today

sounds good? why not make it happen?
a little hard work but it will be worth it ;)

[Raymond]

There is a lot of truth in what Alice says on this subject, although I am not speaking against anyone particular, just the pricnciple. Men can tend to stick their heads in the sand on this subject. As for the quote that porn is here today, sound like a threat. Evil is always here and has been since the beginning of time. Fact is we have a choice to do good or bad. Porn is to be resisted in my view for the sake of my marriage, but also for my self respect. I cannot have good sex with my wife and look into her eyes if I have been looking at porn. It will be a kind of mental adultery. I married her and owe her my body as she does to me. If my children began to look at porn I would feel that something has been lost, that they had lost something of what it takes to be happily married in this world.

Raymond

[Alice Alice]

i agree Raymond
that type of thinking "if you can't beat them the join them" is wrong
fight the good fight stand for what you believe in.
My husband has admitted porn is wrong and the way i got him to realize it was to dare him to go without it for just one week and he found it surpisingly difficult
i respect you Raymond!

[Raymond]

Wow that's a quick reply Alice. I've only just written it it seems.

It's good that your husband knows it is wrong. Without that conviction I would imagine it is very difficult to come off the addiction. He is not being faithful to you in this (nor to himself) as it is really a type of cheating. His head will be full of fantasy women, but it is an unreal world that is out to destroy him, if you can believe that. Keep his feet on the ground. Married sex is wonderful when one is comitted and gets to know the other more and more in every way. It's where it is at, not the other way around, that is just a deception, something wrapped up in beautiful wrapping with mud and dirt inside in the long run.

We don't know what we are fighting against until we come to christ.

Raymond

[Alice Alice]

i read your post as soon as you finished it i guess
i love Jesus Christ too

[yes,if its not u!]

Hi wendy, My boyfriend is addicted to porn sites, Every evening hes on them! He says he does not contact them so am ok with it! He asked me to watch them with him but, I am too buzy looking at the peoples flaws to get excited! It reminds me of a bunch of animals delousing themselfs, I can not understand y people find it a turn on, coz it looks laughable to me! Anyway just because you do not want to film yourself prouncing around like a sex Dog, does not mean that you are not sexy making love behind the camera! Your partner love you for who u are in realality, a beautiful loving lady! let him watch his fantasy Dog stars! And never let him turn you into his fantasy! coz ull find he will not want u in the long run! Good luck

[my porn star guy!]

my guy had a video on his phone of a girl pleasuring herself! he told me he had downloaded it from a porn site! Am not into porn but I thought - he's a guy- Thats what they do! then a couple of days ago he was looking {as always does} on a porn site because he turned it of straight away, I checked the site out through the history setting! Yes sure enough my guy was on there pleasureing a women I know! they hid there faces but I would recognize his milky spotty body anywere! And can I just say she should have kept her clothes on coz she looked a mess! He half admitted it! Now he is so smug coz he is getting more pleasure out of me knowing what hes upto! Him and this PORN TART are playing mind games with me because they know I have no one to turn too. Now I made to believe anyone who is into porn, have no consious and no respect for family values.

[Raymond]

I don't know why you stay with him?

This is pretty sick.

Raymond

[Alice Alice]

failure to resist an impulse is a compulsive addiction these porn addicts are week and "pretend" their behaviour as normal

[unhappy123]

Hi there, could somebody please help me?
i've been with my partner for 5 years, i knew from the beggining that he had an interest in porn (the odd dvd every few months or so, or at least that's what i thought).
The problem is, when we got the computer a year ago, he's been logging on sites every weekend (secretly).. spending two hours on average fri,sat and / or sun looking at porn sites, pretending he's looking at rugby sites. I know because i've checked his files.
It's caused no end of arguments.
From his point of view, he says that it is something he's always liked to watch, it gives him a buzz but does'nt feel the need to masterbate because he says that he can masterbate without it.He does'nt go on chat rooms and does'nt e'mail anybody.
He says it does'nt change the way he feels about me, that he loves me and that it does'nt alter his sexual desire towards me and that i'm the only woman for him. That most men look at it and there are different extremes.
I've made it clear that it upsets me, maybe i should call it a day i'm confused with what to do.
He works away all week, so naturally i like to think he's thinking and focusing on me when he's home. Not me getting in from work on a friday teatime to find him on the computer looking at what ever.
What i'm trying to say is that he says it's normal.. what do you say?
I'd like to hear from a MANS point of views as well as ladies. I know ladies don't like it full stop, i've read some stories tonight. one or two like mine.:confused:

Hi Wendy,

I'm sorry to hear this. I actually watched a show, where men can become addicted to porn. The show was on Lifetime. The man became addicted to the point of losing his wife and kids and was spending money like crazy to get his fix after a while. At first it was innocent and then internet and then going places to get his new high with sex. Maybe a sex therapist would help? Of course in an ideal world. But he would have to want to go and get help. Personally, I would leave him. Its degrading to you how he doesn't pay attention to you and more to porn.

[Emmaaziz]

Yes porn is wrong. (We all know that in our hearts, don't we)

The mainstream view that porn is "kind of OK" is in my view very destructive to the viewers, their partners, and men and women's relations in general, not to mention the children used in the "industry" (a 15 year old girl could look like a 18 year old so who do you know you are not jacking off to child abuse?) Also it would be like a drug, as time goes on you need it more and kinkier until you would be disgusted with yourself, same as an alchoholic or other addict.

A message to the guys: be strong and stop deceiving yourselves, you can stop, change is hard but you're worth it. man was not born to debase himself, it is an honour to be a man, respect yourself and other human beings!

good luck
emma

[Raymond]

Thats brilliant Emma!

Raymond