Lying Husband

[bikerchick]

I am married to a man that lies a whole lot, I only really know of the ones that I catch him in! I don't know what to do, or if I can ever trust him again, or are all men just dogs???? Any suggestions? I have tried everything, but you cannot change people, I know.

[Karen15]

Hi bikerchick

What does your husband actually lie about? Is it huge things, things that really affect your life or small insignificant things?
I know there's no excuse for lying but it does kind of make a difference.

Karen :confused:

[LatinaAngel]

The funny thing is my husband lies too. I catch him so many times, not big lies only little ones. but it is still the same, a lie is a lie, no matter what... Just keep asking him why he lies so much? I don't know if men will ever stop, but women lie too.
Do you lie to him? Does not matter if it is a big lie or a small lie.

[julie jules]

Hi i was with a man for 5 years engaged for last two of them. He lied to me continuously. He always wormed his way out of them of course. But when he knew i had cought him out big style and found out he was seeing his ex wife, well i thought she was but he wasnt divorced, then the abuse started. I got out of the relationship and thought i would never trust another man again. Im now in a blissfull relationship with a man who doesnt lie, and if he does little white ones, theyre too insignificant to even think about. So if your husband is telling huge lies, they will only get bigger, as he thinks hes getting away with it . Will you allow it to go on, if so then you have to accept that life and live with it. Or, get out and gain your sanity back. either way only you can decide, in your own time. good luck.

[isthisworthit?]

I thought I had married my perfect mate in 2002 after 15 years on my own. His kids managed to cause so much trouble that we have nearly split up 3 times. He now lies about everything - even when I have caught him out, he gets on the defensive and turns things round - I have been snooping and so it's my fault.
During the times we have been close to splitting he has joined loads of dating agencies (though never sent or replied to an email) putting things like, come rescue me from this mistake, need a woman to spoil, want some fun. Well we used to have that, he didn't think it was a mistake when we married etc etc. Even everyday things he now lies about - what does one do? I do love him and don't really want to split, but how can I trust him?

[MPM]

During the times we have been close to splitting he has joined loads of dating agencies (though never sent or replied to an email) putting things like, come rescue me from this mistake, need a woman to spoil, want some fun.

That must of been very hurtful to read that while you were still IN the relationship even if you were going through a difficult time, I'm so sorry. It makes me think that instead of wanting to try and make a go of your marriage he's already testing the water and putting profiles on-line and looking elsewhere. I personally would take great exception to my marriage being refered to as a mistake and would be tempted to let him have his 'fun'. Only you can decide whether you think the trust can be rebuilt but without total honesty from ypur husband this would be an uphill struggle.

[isthisworthit?]

Thanks for that. I know that if I am logical and act rationally, I should give him the opportunity to go and try having fun. He thinks he can do it, but in actual fact he is a bit lazy where working on a relationship is concerned - ours is cosy, we have a comfortable home etc and for him to make the effort to go out and be chatty, and lively and interesting for someone new would be a huge effort.
Last year we did go to counselling, and while we were going things started to improve and he became a lot more open with me, started discussing his problems (mainly to do with his grown up kids who keep presenting him with debts that he then pays off). He became more like the man I fell in love with. As soon as there is a problem (his 23 year old daughter wanted to come and live with us as she had broken up with her bf. His kids are spiteful, and spoilt and hate me - I obviously said no) he starts stamping his feet like a spoilt child and refused to go any more.
We now rarely discuss things and he prefers to keep a side of his life a complete secret from me - it is hard coping with this as there should not be secrets in a marriage.

[MPM]

Ok, this doesn't seem quite the same situation with a bit more info.

Between you it seems that you cannot communicate on a reasonable level regarding his children. You say that they're spiteful, spoilt and they hate you, Do you tell your husband this? You may be right but the bottom line is that they are still his children.

Why do you think they hate you? They're not kids anymore so I would have though that after 5 years they would have accepted your relationship with their father.

'There should not be any secrets in a marriage' is a grand statement but it doesn't sound like it's used in the right context here, I suspect your husband is just trying to keep the peace by not telling you about that side of his life.

[isthisworthit?]

Thanks again.
I realise that the terms I have used about my husbans's kids probably sound very mean but they are an accurate description. For example, when mh told them about our engagement, his eldest daughter's response was 'Oh - why?' - she was 19 at the time and her parents had been divorced for 9 years, we had been courting for over 18months. The 2 daughters incidentally, were not living with their father because he had thrown them out on account of their refusal to behave in an acceptable way. The eldest presented her father with a court summons a month before we got married - she had allowed the council tax and rent to accumulate to £500 and wanted a cheque to pay it. He gave her the money. On the morning of our wedding he was supposed to go and collect them to join the wedding group - before leaving the house he rang them and was told that they were not ready because they still had to find someone to do their eyebrows and their hair. This meant stress for all of us as other arrangements had to be shuffled around to accommodate their needs. All three children ended up getting drunk at our reception, the 2 girls had a huge argument because one thought the other was getting off with her boyfriend, and relatives had to see them home - my children had paid for a night in a lovely hotel as our wedding present.
After this sort of behaviour, they then had a huge argument with my children over the snooker table (I had bought them it as a Christmas present before we married) and my stepson left home to live with his sisters, demanding his bank account (my husband had been saving for his uni fees) - he just got over £3000 because my husband could not say no. All the children called me an interfering bitch and told me they hated me and never wanted anything to do with me . After about 8 months my husband was so miserable over not seeing the kids that I persuaded him to make friends and invite them over. September 2005 his eldest wanted to come and live with us. To keep him happy I agreed but she could not accept that it is my house as well as his. She started to bring her married lover over in the afternoons (she was working nights) and my neighbour told us, I also found more court summons for rent and council tax arrears to the tune of £2500. She denied all this when her father asked her and they both ended up calling me a liar, . Later she admitted to it and he paid off her debts, she walked out to live with cousins. My husband then decided to buy her a house to live in - meanwhile she met someone on the internet and decided to move to Singapore to be with him - of course she needed the air fare from Dad. He had paid survey and mortgage fees and was left in the lurch. After 6 months in Singapore she is now back (don't know what has happened) and this morning a letter has arrived (another court case) for £700 owing to a mobile phone company.
The younger daughter meanwhile has been installed in a flat paid and furnished by her father. The son, who was kicked off his uni course for not doing any work during the first year has been living with his girlfriend and now wants to come and live with us. He refers to us as the blunderful step family, and likens my daughter to Ugly Betty - he even publicly calls her that on his MSN account.
Now do you think I am mean in referring to them as I do?
Incidentally, after all the money that goes out of this marriage, if I want to go on holiday, I pay for myself, as I do with clothes, my car expenses, half the mortgage and household expenses, and I pay for my kids for their uni costs - this was met by a trust fund set up in my parents wills but that only covered the first 2 years for each child.
Meanwhile, his kids are now 25,24 and 21 and he is paying for driving lessons, rent and anything else they demand although they all work.
I realise that some of his lying is to keep the peace, and to stop me trying to give him advice on how to deal with things, but the more he lies the more I feel left out and suspicious. Don't you think that he needs to deal with parenting issues because at the moment he is not a good father or a good husband.

[MPM]

OMG what a family you have married into! I think not knowing about your husbands offspring is the best way to be, what you don't know can't hurt you and if he wants to keep bailing out his children cash wise that that's up to him.

Obviously it's not that easy though as no-one has a bottomless pit of money and understandably you feel that your married life is suffering because he keeps giving into their demands. I think you're spot on when you say your husband has parenting issues, is there some guilt over him splitting with their mother, or has he being bailing out his kids for so long now that he doesn't know how to draw the line?

If he's stopped talking to you about this then I'm guessing that he now feels your 'advice' is you being angry with him, so he is keeping things to himself in an attempt to keep the peace. Regarding him wanting someone to 'rescue him from his mistake', he maybe needs to think that his actions are making a rod for his own back. The only one who can rescue him at this point is himself but he needs to be tough. If this is the only problem in your relationship then it would be a terrible shame to split over it, he would still have the same stresses from his children but none of the good things he gets from being married to you.

I'm sure there are many people on here who have experienced second marriages with grown up children who may have some advice.

Please don't think I meant your were mean btw ;)

[isthisworthit?]

Thanks MPM. Obviously without knowing the full story it was difficult to appreciate where I was coming from.

It's easy for outsiders to think I am the wicked stepmother - I know that I have fairly high expectations of behaviour (of myself and my own kids included) and found it really difficult to come into a situation where poor behaviour is rewarded so much. My own kids never ask anything of me because they know that I am paying for their education but they always try to repay me in other ways such as cooking and helping around the house when they are home from uni for the holidays, treating me to lovely gifts on birthdays and mother's day. His never even remember his birthday or father's day, yet remind him of their needs when it's Christmas or their birthday.

I know that the way mh behaves is to do with guilt, even though he was not the one to break up the marriage. He feels guilty about how his kids have turned out, you're right he has made a rod for his own back - he has said to me that his kids are not like mine and that his will always need his help - but it is in his power to refuse to keep bailing them out - they won't make that mistake again. I acknowledge that it is very difficult for mh seeing my kids, they are the same genders as his, very near the same ages yet the difference is immense - one of mine is nearly a doctor, one an engineer and one a designer - his all left school with very little and are in dead end jobs with little prospect.

It is so good to off load like this because I could not do it to family and let them know all the gore, and I don't want friends to think badly of mh by my telling them, yet on here it is quite anonymous.

[sad lyric]

Hi,
I am 31 years old and currently separated from my lying husband. When we met 7 years ago, we began with his first lie. He said he wasn't married but had a child. I found out that he was not only currenly married, but this woman was his second wife and he was 27. He has also been sleeping with his wife after he moved in with me. Needless to say, I stayed with him after several long fights because I love him and I felt that is was slim pickins out here in the world. When he divorced her, we married a couple months later only to separate for over a year. When we got back together, I thought it was better. Not great, but better. Anyhow several years later I found out that he cheated on me before we got married and I found out he was again sleeping with his ex-wife. This year I found out that she was pregnant for him. My world colapsed. Not only because of her being pregnant, but she supposedly aborted the child. We have had 2 devastating miscarriages. Here I am trying to get pregnant and have a child, she has one and gets pregnant again for him and aborts the child. I am now filing for divorce. We recently went to counseling and all he could say was " I love her do much but I keep lying to her and I don't know how to stop". Part of me says stick with him and try to help him. The other part says leave him the heck alone, get yourself together ( I have gained a great deal of weight over 60lbs) and move on. Of yes and by the way, he just got his green card and I feel this is the only reason why we were together. he said he married me for love, but when it got bad, he started thinking he needs to stay with me to get his papers. He further indicated that he never stopped loving me. I am so deppressed, I don't know what to do. I have no friends, he made sure of that and my family loves him and wonders what I did wrong. I feel so alone.

[Helen_uk]

sad lyric

I stayed with my partner for 5 years because , like you I felt it was better to have someone than no-one.

Your h has behaved appallingly, and like my ex partner, has lied repeatedly to you, take it from me, it doesn't get any better. I've been blamed for the fact my ex lied to me so much, because in his words I " overreact " to the truth. He takes no responsabilty for his actions and even now is heaping blame on me.

Why would you want a child with someone who treats you so badly ? Do you think having a child will make him start being honest ? It won't. No doubt his ex wife thought the same thing, and here he is doing it all again, this time to you.

I have found since the split just how few friends I have , apart from the people on here but I'm surviving . Life alone is not easy and the first few weeks are hell, but, it does have benefits too. One of them is knowing that you no longer have to care about the lying or worry about them walking out. And I'm told that in the coming months it will get much easier.

By all means give the counselling a go , but people don't change because they go to counselling, they have to want to change. Do you think he wants to change ?

Take care.

Helen

[Sad Lyric]

Hi Helen,

Thank you so much for respondng. Honestly, at times I do feel like he wants to change but I know in my heart that he never will because it is easy. He is a great looking man. Seriously tall dark and handsome and oh my is he good to me. he just can't stop lying and I can't trust him at all and that hurts. We are better off separate. I really just hate to loose hime. I feel like I lost myself in the relationship though. I was so depressed because he was lying that I just let myself go and I became so weak.
This may seem crazy, but if we had a child, I could care less if he left. You see I have some medical problems which make it difficult to have a baby and I am not getting any younger. I really just wanted a child out of my marriage. My doctor told me my body is ready now. I am considering getting a sperm donor and just doing it on my own. My fear is that I may meet the man of my dreams within a year and it may be hard for him to handle. Oh I am so confused.
I think it will be easier once we are officially divorced because when we separated for the year, I felt almost the same amount of pain that I did the first day...the last day. Though I do feel diffrently this time. I feel a little stronger. 60lbs heavier, but stronger. I am going to join a gym that I have been learning to swim at and get a trainer for a couple of weeks. This man swears that he can turn my body around in less than 6 months...lol. I tried counseling, but the woman annoyed me more than helped me. I guess I will try another one.
I really need to get back to me. Loose this weight and get out and meet people. All I do is work, come home and get on this computer. I am 31, I know there is much more to life than this....right???

L-






By all means give the counselling a go , but people don't change because they go to counselling, they have to want to change. Do you think he wants to change ?

Take care.

Helen

[Helen_uk]

Sad Lyric

At 31 your life is far from over and having a child has to be your personal choice. Think it through carefully though, because there's a good chance you may end up a single parent, and that's not an easy way to live.

You h has a choice in life, he can choose to stop lying and settle down to be a good husband and father .. if it happens.. or he can choose to carry on the way he is. You can't do that for him.

Finding a good counsellor for you will help you sort through your own issues and choices and make you into a stronger person. I've learned the hard way that you can't force someone else to change themselves.

I'm learning to be single right now, and after 2 marriages and a 5 year relationship, it's proving to be a difficult learning curve. I've not been single since I was 16 and I'm 43 now. At the moment life seems bleak, and without hope, but I'm determined to keep trying.I have moments of absolute despair where I cry myself to sleep, but those are getting less as time passes by and it's only been 5 weeks, so I'm hoping they will lessen even more.

My first husband was a liar, he lied about everything, even things that were stupid and had no reason to them, it made me very distrustful of people, to the point that now, over 20 years later, I'm having to have therapy to sort out the mess he made of my mind.It has ruined most of my life as I never feel relaxed with people. Please don't let your h do that to you, life is too short.

Take care.

Helen x

[janeshell]

hi bickerchick
get out will u can u can never trust him i have been there. The only thing it dose to u is mess ur head up good luck babe xxx

[Lyric]

Hi Helen,
I have been in a rediculous funk. I can't recall ever beng this sad. I refuse to allow this man to do this to me. I look a hot mess. My hair is falling out and my skin has slightly broken out. I don't know the last time I had a pimple.
My husband is calling periodically telling me how much he loves and misses me. He also says that he is so sorry and he wishes that he didn't hurt me. I just listen and say "thanks for calling" at the end of the conversation and hang up. I need to now get to the point where I see his number and don't answer. He still has All of his things here. I just really don't want to look this terrible when he does arrive to get them. I explained to him that we need to close this book as quikly as possible. I don't mind being a single parent because I have great family who would love to see me have a child.

L-

[CONFUSED AND HURT]

My Best Friend Who Was My Husbands Good Friend First Told Me 6 Years Ago That He Told Her He Cheated On Me And Of Course He Said She Misunderstood Him. I Let It Go And Believed Him But Then There Was An Occasion Wher He Was Accused Of Hitting On Someone Else. A Little While Down The Road A Crazy Girl I Knew Hung Out At Our House A Lot And Told Me They Were Sleeping Together. I Just Figured She Was Jealous Of How Well We Got Along That She Wanted To Steal My Thunder. She Is A Known Liar Thought And Knew About The Past Issue So I Just Figured She Was Full Of It And I Let It Go. I Have Been With My Husband For 8 Years And We Just Got Married In August. He Was Supposed To Be Going To Ged Classes And Lied To Me For A Month And A Half Around November. The Whole Time He Said He Was Going He Was Not. Supposedly He Was Hanging Out With A Friend The Whole Time And Letting Me Believe He Was At School. I Am About To Have A Baby Any Day Now (our 2nd) And I Told Him Not To Go Too Far In Case I Go Into Labour. He Was Going To Go To The River The Other Day And Told His Friends I Couldn't Know. He Got Told On And Tried To Deny It And Then Finally Admitted It. There Have Been Other Times Where He Lied Or Told People Not To Tell Me Something. I Have Been Working So Much And Completing So Many Goals To Make Life Better For My Family And He Takes It All For Granted. He Works 24 Hours A Week And Cleans The House.what Should I Do? How Can I Trust Him Again When Every Time He Promises Me Stuff He Never Follows Through. Every Time I Let My Guard Down This Kind Of Stuff Happens.

[Raymond]

It is very sad C&H how he is betraying you and lying about it as well. You cannot live with this because it is not what marriage is. Unless he is sorry and is making amends and asking for your forgiveness in all honesty I can't see there is any hope for the marriage. You need a secure unit and to be able to dwell in trust. He seems to be taking you for a ride and is showing you gross disrespect I'm afraid. You have to make a judgment. Is he just messing around or is it much worse like sleeping with someone else. In any event he is playing with fire and if he hasn't done it already he is close to comitting adultery which is grounds for ending the marriage if you choose.

Raymond

[IvoryCoast]

my husband is also lying about things that involves our married life and about his ex where he had a kid and both were living in his parents house. I didn't have the chance to know his parents and his relatives nor they have the chance to know me. I feel hurt and cheated. I have difficulty in getting over with this. As time passed by, I uncovered more hurting lies. We were just married for about a year and I feel like already giving up already. Needs advice.