Ok Seperation - let's define that then

[tethersend]

Well my wife moved out 2 weeks ago to see if she "still feels the same" to see if she "misses me enough to want to have another ten years"

So we are seperating.

I had no choices in the matter. Complete destruction for me and my two kids 3 and 4.

I have come to terms with the fact she's actually gone and have to just get on with it.

Now the terms of this 'seperation ' are as follows

For 6 weeks ( till mid December) she has rented a cottage three miles up the rd and the kids stay with me and her on alternative nights.

I have been the full time carer for three days a week while she works. Thats still the same.

It seems that whoever takes them to nursery has them overnight to keep some kind of continuity going for them

BUT Here's how it actually all works in real life with her. We have one car (important this)

She stays there but can come round to see the kids before they go to nursery.

She brings the washing round as the cottage machine is rubbish.

She still wants a hug every now and then when she is feeling low Sometimes I respond but it is killing me. Sometimes I do not respond cos of the anger.

She is paying for the cottage from her savings account which really means that when that gets too high I will have to bail her out. She uses the joint account to get the usual requirements food etc .

Last week she asked me to stay ( no sex - I felt uncomfortable with that ) but then said the morning after things had not changed for her.

We go to relate to discuss our problems but hardly air them outside of that now.

I took my kids to see my parents in Kent at the w'end and when I got back she was here at this house and had cleaned the floors and kitchen ( thats quite ironic!) She then helped the kids unpack new clothes I had bought into their rooms

I asked her how shed got back over to the house this morning and she said cos work was so close she had stayed after working late Saturday night. She had had a bath etc as I know the showers oare a bit grim at her cottage. I noticed she had been looking at property on the computer too .

Now although I want her back, or the person who I had before, I cannot see how she can make a decision about 'missing' me etc whilst this kind of semi 'seperation' exists. Having her in my face hurts like hell and she knows it and acknowledges it. She 'has to do it' she says

Now I know a few of you are either in this boat or been there.

Is this normal for a seperation.?

It sure does not feel like it to me. I feel she is getting the best of everything atm - my support with the kids - my financial backing as ever - an ability to use me as the glorified babysitter as she seeks out her "missing teenage years" etc etc

Some friends have told me if she really wants a seperation she should be gone, getting busses if she has to, extending her job to be full time to make enough money to exists on whilst I give her some for the kids and she should not be seeing me 'testing' me out every three days and coming rouond here for a nice bath .

It still feels difficult to do that to her ( just listen to me !) but deep down I know she is never coming back unless she is out in the real world amongst the wolves on her own and then maybe she can make a proper informed choice about her life

This has been her choice

Am I wrong in feeling this is how it should be ?

[Desperate]

I would agree with you. She asked for the seperation but what you have here is not a true seperation. I am not one who believes in seperation as a means to resolving marital issues. However, if she is entertaining thoughts of leaving the marriage for good, or is having doubts about being with you until the two of you are old and grey, then she should go about this seriously and keep away from you completely.

Having children makes this situation complicated, however. Their unwilling participation in this must take center stage. So how do you go about having a meaningful seperation whilst minimising the damge that may fall upon your children? I honestly don't know as I never had children with my soon to be ex wife. However, she had, and is having an affair with a married man with 3 kids. I don't know how he feels about having bust up his marriage and family (he is also divorsing his wife) but I do know for certain that it has had a terrible effect on his kids. I know this because I got to meet his wife and eldest daughter. (when trying to find out about the affair and what my wife had done)

I am sure you have discussed the children and the impact a divorse would have on them. Your wife needs to really be out of your life for this seperation period if she is to truly understand how she may feel leaving the marriage and spliting up the family. Otherwsise it will be a wasted effort.

Marriage is not about being happy and in love 24/7. What is it with people in modern society that expect a marriage to be a continuous fairy tale story?

She could marry Tom Crusie or George Clooney but I bet after 5 years, they would become routine and would certainly not be as attractive to her as they were at the start. It's like eating bangers and mash all your life. Even when you spice it up, there will be times when it simply tastes dull. Marriage is a partnership that extends the bounds of infatuation, heart-throbing love, exciting sex and the rest. It's about knowing someones deepest, darkest secrets and and not being afraid of them. About living with the bad times, the arguements, the routiness that often creeps in, the "taking for granted" aspect that is inherent in almost all lengthy marriages.I see marriage as a committment to someone who will always be beside you, always support you, care for you, love and cherish you for all the things that you are - and are not. I really think your wife needs to stare reality square in the eyes and she can't do this if she is living around the corner, popping in when she feels like it, setting her own terms and conditions. She is abusing the concept and will gain nothing from this other than to end up possibly making a huge mistake, or mistaken decision she may later seriously regret.

[Kimberley1967]

I agree with desperate - I believe that there is a section here by Kate on managed separation but I dont think this arrangement is that you seem to be the one taken advantage of and it wasnt your choice. It is not fair on you or your children. She seems to come and go as she pleases and if she wants out and try on her own then she should do just that or come back and sort it out.

Kimberley