Is the grass greener sometimes

[Primrose]

Hi guys,

I posted a while ago under the heading "Ex told me he has a new girlfriend". I have been trying to deal with it as best as I can and I'm sure many people hear will be able to relate to my feelings of utter rejection and disbelief. My ex moved this girl who from what I was told is from a different country into his apartment after only knowing her a couple of weeks (approx 10). He hasn't told me they are living together - I heard it from somebody else. He just said he has met somebody (by text). I don't want him back because he didn't treat me very well - lied on occasion, blamed me on our lack of a good sex life and this was always brought up in an argument usually about his staying out all night or not going to work due to exhaustion from drinking or being on his computer at home constantly. He has taken a couple of weeks off work when she moved over and they seem to be just hanging out together - she isn't even working yet so he must be supporting her unless she brought a lot of money over with her and I have also heard that they are also out all the time. He has money from the settlement I gave him for the house. He told me last week he has bought a new apartment a good distance away which I am delighted about in one way as I won't risk running into them but I think he is going to try to get out of the one night during the week he spends with our son because of the hassle of getting to work and the creche.

I know the first piece of advise I am going to get is to try and put him out of your head and what they are doing but I am finding it so hard. I really, really don't want him back but all I can see at the moment is him having a future where I haven't even been chatted up in the last year and a half - sour grapes. And also I have asked before why would he change so much for somebody else. He never wanted to go anywhere with me, it always felt like he was somewhere else, he had no enthusiasm if I said lets go for lunch or a walk and now he is doing all of this with this new person and enjoying it. Maybe the grass is greener on the other side for him but how do I learn to accept this? Also something that is on my mind is how can a girl meet a guy and move in with him after a few weeks and let him pay for her rent and other things like food, bills, drinks, nights out.

I suppose I hope it doesn't work out for them cause I know he probably feels at the moment he has met the love of his life and the person that he was probably meant to be with. I know if he didn't have her there would be somebody else anyway but I'd like him to have a bit more of a rough time I suppose. Also he is hanging around with a new group of people - he is in his mid thirties and acting like a 20 year old.

Primrose

[Desperate]

I empathise. Your feelings mirror mine in all that you have said. But believe me when I say this, the grass is seldom greener on the other side. And when it is, it's only becuase the lawn is well watered, cared for, weeded, fertilised etc. Of course, as long as that takes place, the grass will remain green. But how long before one of these gardeners gets tired of the lawn and stops nurturing it? What happens when the lawn starts getting patchy, discoloured with occassional weeds scattered here and there? Do you get my point?

The problem is that people like you and I feel abandoned, abused, betrayed and often, very bitter. So we want justice....not revenge, just some justice. But we want to see it now, not in 2 or 3 or 6 years time. We want it now!

The reality is that in most circunstances, life will repay the betrayal, often with interest.

I still fight with my feelings, they are often overwhelming. However, I have noticed that I have started to let go of my wife. It has taken 10 months to get here but I'm finally getting to realise that I am far better off without her. And understanding the enormity of her lies, deceipt, betrayal and her 100% contribution in destroying another woman, taking her husband away and breaking up their family.....this just sums it all up for me.

Honey, you are going to do just fine but start focusing on YOU now. Start trying to forget about your ex, about how he is nurturing his new relationship, about how in love he may appear to others. Time will teach him a very good lesson in life. If you focus on yours right now, when that happens you won't feel a sense of satisfaction...you won't feel anything other than possibly a bit of pitty for that sad man. And if you ever want to get chatted up....here I am. Yours truly, The Right-Honourable Batchelor, Desperate. :D :D :D

[Kimberley1967]

Hi Primrose

I 2 agree with Desperate. I wanted to feel some justice for the heart and betrayal in my own situation and was desperate enough to phone the wronged husband because of the same but life does repay them back. When I saw them together they looked miserable. My husband has lost his wife, house and job because of that relationship and is no broke as well.

However or whatever reason he decided to try the glad eye with her it hasnt worked to his advantage and she didnt leave her husband and he is merely a male mistress for want of a better word.

I feel better 100% and you will too and will be able to put behind you this wastral and move on to happier times.

Take Care
Kimberley X

[Primrose]

Hi Desperate and Kimberley,

Thanks for the replies. It really helps to talk to people going through the same emotions. My problem is I felt in the first nine months that I'd be okay but when I hear bits of news from his end I get a bit upset and its then that I feel I really haven't moved on at all. Counsellors always tell you that a lot of the time your gut feeling is right and funny enough my gut feeling is telling me that this relationship will be the one for him. I know I've said previously that I don't want him back and I really don't after the way he treated me. I know all about the honeymoon period when everything is going really well and reality hasn't quite set in but I just feel this girl is over from another country and she has probably landed on her feet with him - they are out all the time, he has his own place and money in the bank. His son comes last on his list of priorities. I know what you mean desperate about wanting some justice. Its just so hard when you think you were meant to be with someone for the rest of your life and they move on to somebody else. I know I'll get over it, I really was doing okay until he came back at the beginning of this year and told me he still loved me and then changed his mind again when I told him all the changes he would have to make if I were to consider taking him back down the line. He wanted to come back but I think on his terms. But I know he would have been gone again down the line and then where would I be dealing with a child with a broken heart and my own. I just can't understand how a girl who only knows him a wet week, can leave her home and family and come and live with him and not work for a couple of weeks. No doubt he encouraged her to come over cause he was so lonely and needs somebody in his life. I know I sound bitter but I hope it doesn't work out for him.

[Helen]

Primrose,

I understand what you mean about hoping things go badly between your husband and this woman and I don't think you are particularly mean for having these thoughts. I have been there too, as have most of us. I am sure most of us would agree that we do not want our ex's to be happier with someone else than they were with us. I know this is impossible for my ex because we truly loved each other once upon a time. Now he realises I never stopped loving him or trying to make our relationship better. What he saw as nagging once upon a time he now sees as the actions and words of a truly desperate wife wanting to rescue our marriage. But he made it impossible by going off and courting and having an affair with my brother's wife.

Nothing made me feel better than knowing my ex's relationship with the other woman had crashed and burned. I predicted it and it was nice to see it become a reality. I didn't even care about his pain in the light of this. As far as I was concerned, he deserved it on the back of what he did to me. Even the lead up to this made me happy because they both put on a ton of weight, he lost a ton and looked ill and, although I was concerned about him, it made me glad that they were suffering as much as I had - and they both continue to suffer. One day your husband/ex will be there too.

I think it is natural to worry about whether you will be usurped in his affections but remember this: this man once loved you enough to marry you and make a child/children with you. He didn't think you weren't enough for him until he started messing around elsewhere. Because I have to say that relationships with women from other countries do not start up overnight. No doubt he was on the Internet messing with this woman. Through messing with this woman he decided that you were not good enough for him. ONE DAY SOON he will realise what he threw away - a loyal, devoted wife and kids/a child. Hopefully his day of reckoning will happen when you have found someone else. I think you need to open yourself up to the possiblity of finding someone new not only to move on but also to slam the door on his hopes. You have already taken him back once and what did he do? He dumped on you again...

You are too good for him. One day soon you will stop caring about whether he finds lasting love with this woman. I seriously doubt he will, especially if she is coming here from another country. I have no doubt that he is her passport in to this country. Once she is here, free and clear, she will dump him. Just don't be around to pick up the pieces (again) for him. He is definitely not worth it. In the meantime, try not to worry about what he is doing with her/what she might mean to him. YOU are worth more than that. When I compare your posts now to your early posts, you have moved on so much, even if you can't see it. Do not let this jerk keep you in a dark place emotionally. Again, he is not worth it.

Some advice: I know, from personal experience, that you are not going to meet 'Joe Ideal' in your house! You need to get out and have fun. What is fun? Go to dance classes. Go to further education. Just get out of your house! If necessary, insist your husband/ex fulfils his MORAL obligation to take care of his child/children. You didn't make them on your own. I sure as hell do not see why you should be doing all the childrearing on your own. If you tell yourself you want to do this, ask yourself why? Is it a defence mechanism? Are you sticking at home because you are frightened of being hurt again? All of this is natural but I repeat - you are not going to meet a man if you are in your house 90% of the time so you need to make time for you - and FORCE your inconsiderate, selfish ex-mate to take his turn REGULARLY with the kids!

Take care


Helen

[needhelp0401]

Well my wife found out very quick that a lot of times it is not greener.

[Primrose]

Hi guys,

Helen thanks for the lengthy reply. I don't think he was messing around with this person when we were married - not at all. He met her here during the summer and as far as I know he went over to her country once or twice and then she moved over here. She has some friends here. She doesn't need a visa to live here (EU rules) so she is not dependent on him to live her legally or anything like that. I would say she will be working shortly. He has also bought a place a good bit away from me which I am glad about in one way but know it is going to cause problems with him minding my son one night during the week. This sounds daft but I nearly feel like my marriage was a complete lie and if he can go into a very serious relationship so quickly what were his real feelings for me all along. Was he just plodding along - did he not like his life at all. He moaned about it only during an argument. He said he would be holding all his fustrations in and when we had a row about anything the whole thing would come out about his unhappiness.

It is time to move on from him completely - I know that - it is so hard to find a way to do it.

[tiamaria]

hi primrose,
when my husband told me that he was having an affair he said it had only started 6 weeks previous but when i asked him to end it with her he said it was complicated,she wasnt pregnant so what was more complicated than leaving your wife of thirteen years and son who was nearly 6 he then moved in with her about a month after, they are still living together i told him to leave in april.I pray every day that their relationship will go wrong i even wish her dead i am not an evil person she was the one who broke up a family, she planted the seed a few months previous by telling friends of my husbands what she would like to do to him in bed i know he must have been unhappy in our relationship to have gone and done such a thing as have an affair but i thought we were happy he gave me no indication what so ever i cant even remember how the conversation went about for him to bring up the affair it was a normal saturday night in watching the tv with a drink not even arguing we rarely did and out it came from nowhere.
you are not wrong to want your husbands relationship to go bad we just have to keep thinking bad thoughts,our day will come when their relationships fall flat nobody can party forever.
look after yourself
mariaxx

[Ginger God]

Primrose/ Tia Maria....

Of course the grass isnt greener, we all know the initial surge of feeling never lasts but it can grow into something different and better and more fullfilling.
I have been out with a lot of girls since I split and have experienced all the nice feelings again once but after a while these feelings seem to recede but I think that has a lot to do with what I have gone through.
I think you tend to think the juggernaut will hit you as soon as you meet someone new.
As far as my ex was concerned, I left and within months a new man has replaced me, must be blooming difficult.
I enjoy my space now but cant think of ever wanting to share a house or God Forbid a bed with anyone again..ok sharing a bed for a wee while is ok..but I like sleeping alone now..you get to stretch out in the whole bed.
So the answer is a thousand times nay...no its not greener..its just different.
Graham

[Mike56]

Greener grass? Well, the lawn doesn't get cut anymore where I used to live - but then it's winter.

Mind you, the coal and logs won't be carted in, the fire cleaned, laid and lit, the laundry done and hung up to dry, the shopping done and put away, the bed made/changed as appropriate, the bath run when she comes home, her car washed, the cats fed, the washing up done, cooking done (in turn), the house kept tidy, tv and books and radio shared and talked about, good lovemaking even when we were at our low points in the relationship, all those little jobs done at home and for her blasted horses - the list goes on.

Oh I forgot. She does get to see her maried man at least once a week when he slinks away from his wife to spend the night with her but as it;s still going on now, and it's now six months at least, if not more, the grass is obvioiulsy still growing somehow.

Everyone says it won't last, but it seems to be - so far. And why, oh why, do I still mourn "us" and hope and pray for a reconciliation with a woman who treated me like she did and whom everyone tells me would do the same again?

And while all this goes on in my head, I have a lovely lady telling me just how much she likes me, enjoys me, wants me and is horrified by what Alice did and the lack of emotional support she gave.

So life moves on - I try so hard to forget Alice and give myself to caring for my new lady, but it's hard.

It is different. I find it hard to wish alice ill, but I most certainly do not wish "them" well and if I can ever find a way to get revenge, at this point I know I will take it. While also recognising that such fellings are destructive and it would be better to just move on and leave them to wallow in the filth and desecration they have created for themselves.

I'm delighted however to recall that the last time I saw her she was concerned as to whether people in her small community "knew" - and they most certainly do. As she wasn't exactly discrete, that's no surprise. If I was her, I'd be far more concerned about her professional reputaion and professional credibility - one phone call to the relevant regulator for her role in "care" and she'd quite likley be under investigation. Not somethign I'd do, but of course scorned wives are another matter.

One of the dangers of f*cking married men in senior positions in a business with whom one has a professional connection, and who may be in a position to influence decisions. And I hope the scorned wife does it.

And maybe one day she'll realise that love is more than just sex. I doubt it.

Mike

[Kimberley1967]

Mike

Your actions are commendable and whilst I did not blow the whistle on my husband I did call his boss and tell him to get rid of him as he had been shagging his wife for a year (he knew that any way) and he did. Do still feel guilty so your reserve is to be admired.

Dont beat yourself up about missing the good times and sharing happiness with someone you clearly adored or you wouldnt have done so much for her. It all takes time to heal. If you can let someone in again good for you. I know I personally find it hard when people get close I run away.

take care

Kimberley X

P.S. I know what you mean about them being worried about people knowinig had to same thing and I thought well if you dont want people to know dont do it or be discreet not rocket science!!! We are both well rid

[Ginger God]

Kimberley I agree 100%.
I think its because we gave so much in our previous relationships.
I dont think I have barriers up but I obviously do.
I have no fears about getting hurt again because I can never be hurt as badly as I was when my marriage broke up. I just dont want any commitment.
Love it that you blew the whistle on him....

Graham

[Mike56]

Love it that you blew the whistle on him....

Graham

Must have been nice.

I've considered -

Phoning the regulator for her profession - I'm sure they'd be interested in a senior individual sleeping with what I understand to be a professional connection.
Phoning her boss - who I know - with the same news
Having a female friend phone her to ask to "speak to my husband".
Trying to trace his address with a view to letting the wife know - I have the car reg - but even if I could trace it back to the driver (almost impossible I suspect) then I doubt I could actually tell the wife.
Telling her parents the full, gory details as I doubt they really know all that happened and I'll have been cast as the one chasing her after I'd left.
Letting all her friends know everything - well, some do anyway ;) . But there is one special friend who doesn't and the only reason I've not told her is that she's not only a lovely person who loves Alice, but is in the first stages of a terminal cancer and I just can't bring myself to do it.Have I missed anything in case I do decide to get really nasty and go for revenge? Not that I will I suspect - that would just lower myself to her level.

Mike

[Ginger God]

Mike...........

I told her Dad and her sister...it was fantastic to see his face... it was even better when he had to pay me my settlement..his face was a picture..six figures plus is a serious amount of money!;)

[Mike56]

Mike...........

I told her Dad and her sister...it was fantastic to see his face... it was even better when he had to pay me my settlement..his face was a picture..six figures plus is a serious amount of money!;)

Even nicer. Alice gave me a grand to help me move, for which I was grateful. Then she showed me the new bed and some other stuff she'd bought - which cost over £2,000. That sucked a bit.

I forgot about decorating the kitchen and tiling it. Also decorated two bedrooms and the bathroom and laid laminate in it. Lots of general maintainance work and fitting a ceiling rose. I commission and fitted a weather vane for her as well.

Done with love, but whenever I was working on the house everything had to be tidied away before she came home or all merry hell broke loose.

Did I "adore" her? I must have done - but she certainly didn't take any account of my feelings when she decided she wanted me out, and everything we ever did together in the days we actually did stuff together was always on her terms.

Revenge is looking like a good option tonight I have to say.

Mike.

[Helen]

Mike and Graham,

I think you both need to accept that you were involved with selfish women. Users. But we are not all like that! I would have LOVED it if my ex had made the kind of effort you made with your women with me. As it is, my ex only decorated ONCE in TWENTY YEARS!. I have spent more than £8k decorating the home since we split. That sort of effort I would have appreciated. But my ex did some washing up, laundry and ironing - and he bitched all the way. I would not mind but the man worked from 6am - noon so he had PLENTY of free time! Instead of thinking about a second job, he put more pressure on ME to get promotions and earn more, often joking about becoming a house husband. Yet he also bitched about my job to my former sister in law - the woman he ended up having an affair with! Yeah, some house husband he would have been when he moaned about absolutely everything he did in the house. Not only that but he REFUSED to get a second job - he said he did enough. This was despite the fact that I often worked a 14 hour day and was too tired to do anything more than cook and do a bit of light cleaning when I got in at night.

I am well rid of him.

Mike, Alice spending £2k on furnishings and only giving you £1k to move speaks volumes. Forget about this selfish woman. She does not deserve you (I, on the other hand, am on the market for a decent, intelligent, hands on, capable guy! :) ).

Graham - forget about your almost or former ex. She is a selfish so and so and the seeds she is sowing now will be hers to reap. She can spend thousands (or, at least, hundreds) removing a wall and doing all the other bullocks she is doing but not spare an extra £150 for your kids? Shows where her priorities lie! She is more interested in appearances than her own kids. She deserves whatever she gets but she is no longer YOUR problem. You sound like a nice guy.

Christmas is a melancholy time of year - notorious for it, in fact. Forget about your selfish ex-women. Concentrate on you and the kids, if this applies. Pay whatever you can afford to make their Christmas great and make sure they know (by fair means or foul) that the extra effort is coming from you. Again, the ex is not worth your consideration or thought processes. They demonstrated this when they a) dropped their pants for someone else and b) took them into your former home full time, despite knowing he was sleeping with all and sundry. You are MUCH better than that. Do not allow yourself to slip into melancholy due to the time of year/bitter feelings. Again, she is SO not worth it.


Helen

[Mike56]

I am well rid of him.

Sounds like you are! I did the ironing. Well, mine anyway.


Mike, Alice spending £2k on furnishings and only giving you £1k to move speaks volumes. Forget about this selfish woman. She does not deserve you (I, on the other hand, am on the market for a decent, intelligent, hands on, capable guy! :) ).


Forgetting is bloody hard - she's sitting in a nice mortgage free house, which I helped in part to buy by contributing to running costs (and then with a decent rent once I was working again. No point in trying to apply the new Housing legislation here in Scotland though) with no apparant remorse and little (if any) grief as far as I can tell.

I'm in a rented house with little chance of getting back on the property ladder now.

On the other hand I have discovered how many wonderful friedns I have and am SOOO lucky to have found a lovely person who wants me, and on levels Alice never did. Conversely, I'm alone tonight - my new lady and I can't see each other as much as we'd like - distance and (her) son. Alice may be alone too for all I know, but at least when we were still together I'd have had her company and until I'd found what was happening, everything was actually reasonably ok. And it was better than being alone in lots of ways.

I suppose she'll spend all tomorrow playing with her horses though, and if I'd been there I'd have eitehr had to go along or been on my own most of the day. Tomorrow however I'll spend with my lady and her son. First, some shopping, then the new Bond movie and then home for a nice meal and I'l spend the night with them.

Anyway - if my new lady ever decides she doesn't want me, I'll let you know. You sound like a decent, hard working and supportive person who's managed to get on with her life. Good on you, as they say.

Sorry about this - just a bit down.

Mike.

[Ginger God]

You are quite right Helen.... these type of people are selfish.. and I have decided that I will buy them what I want to buy them for Xmas without making my ex look completely stupid.
Just waiting for the kids to arrive and they are with me until Wednesday which is good... she is having to work all day today because she doesnt have enough time now.
One day it will all come right for me and all go wrong for her.
Thanks
Graham