tethersend
16th November 2006, 02:10 AM
Been married six years in and together ten in Feb
The dreaded ‘it would be better if we separated’ has finally come to pass. She’s gone and I love her with all my heart and feel destroyed.
I am 20 years older than my wife. We fell in love she was 20 and I 40
I had been in a completely abusive relationship before and just escaped with my life after 6 years of hell. I was‘nt ready to love again but meeting my wife changed all that. I had a year out before her and so had lead a single life for a while.
She loved me like no other love before and tbh it took time for me. Much younger than I, beautiful and somehow wonderfully naïve. I did fall in love with her and we married in 2001. She wanted children. I did not. I had two children that I did not see from my first marriage much to my ex wifes choosing. But I was willing to please my wife and so I agreed. We have two great kids 3 and 4 that we both adore and care for.
Now my wife had big problems when we met – low esteem stuff. Stuff that had her in an institution for a short time self harming herself. When I met her she had just come out but was then anorexic / buleamic etc, It was difficult before the kids but I was relaxed about it and allowed her to be herself . She was fragile but over time and especially when the kids came about she got stronger and stronger and became to my joy more ‘normal’. For myself until the kids we had been nicely lazy having good times without too many cares other than to keep the wolf from the door like most people.
The kids of course brought a different pressure entirely. Money, mortgage, work however you can get it. I am a musician so the working hours were always a little different to most peoples. This pissed her off but she supported me. Sex was great although I had back problems which had knock on effects so then sex not so frequent but still 4/5 times a week.
About 2 yrs ago money was tight and we were thinking of selling the house. Although Im more qualified I could not get a job doing music just like that - she could. We just needed something more coming in in the short term. So although I would have to have the kids on the days she worked at least we’d have money in until my work improved full time. She landed a great part time job that paid good money 20 hrs a week . I had the kids in daytime whilst she worked and then when she came home I would teach privately into the evenings.
I found this very hard being a ‘Mum’ for 3 and half days a week and then carrying on working in the evening . I am a gigging muso so every now and then, not a great deal I have to gig ( maybe 15 times a year) for very good money. I managed to get even more work as we needed more money, at a college for two more days a week to keep it together. This needed preparation. Often I ended up coming in late and she’d gone to bed.
About 18 months ago I had got my act together with the kids care in the daytime but she started giving me jip about their food about washing their clothes etc small things. She’d moan about the poor foods I gave them and then she would take them to McDonalds four times a week!!
I got a bit depressed as I thought I was doing a good job. She said it was part due to her missing the growing up of our daughter who was one when my wife went back to work. Saying that she was not fulltime so of course she still did and does have a strong time with our daughter
But I began to resent her and after working late would often play computer games and not come in. This pissed her off entirely. She gave me a dressing down and I realized I’d been a bit of a ****. Not good from me but I then pulled it around.
After that although I often had to work late for work reasons but made a point of coming in earlier and earlier to be with her. I really got to grips with having the kids whilst she worked and managed to find more and more work. She seemed very understanding of the nature of it in so much as she would encourage me to work late if it needed it but even so it was much less than before.
About 15 months ago suddenly there was another row and she started saying stuff like she was not sure where she ‘was ‘ with us and it would be good to separate to find out how she was.
I asked why - had’nt things improved?. Yes but not enough. I disagreed about seperation
She started to change, staying out later with friends from work and her ‘social life’ . Of course the main reason she had such a social life was that I was at home with the kids when she was out!! We found it difficult to get babysitters (no family near) but still did get out together every now and then. Other comments began ‘you embarrass me with my friends’. ‘You don’t really want to be with me as you showed before’.
Arguments increased and my ‘twatishness’ from before always came up. The kids started to come into it - I never spend any time with them/ I never bath them /We have no family time.
All of which although maybe not exactly like a 9-5 life was upon closer examination very untrue.
She began to have this habit of taking a half truth - say the bathing the kids one - where for four nights a week I would be working until 8.30pm earning good money - no choices here. So on a Friday Id bath them and love it. On a Saturday she would say I’ll do it anyway and Id do Sunday so Id done 2 out of five. Over a month that would mean Id done a handful and she’d done the rest. NOT my choice but in a discussion to her friends it would become ”He NEVER EVER baths the kids as well “ . This is the kind f thing that really pisses me off
Id fight my corner and dissect her claims and always she end up seeing it was not so and it would be okay again for three months then – Bang, once again. And again with all the same stuff But things were now getting added- I’d ‘made’ her go to work 2 years ago, I’d made her go to work in London 8 years AGO – 8 YEARS AGO - YES. And then ( she was 30 this year) “I missed out on my teens met you and have never had that girlie teen time of letting down my hair ! Met you when I was 20 and now Im thirty” having missed that !! EH . I could have said / well in your teens you were so messed up you ended up in a mental ward until I came along and gave you love and a life’ - but I didnt . She started to blame me for these kind of things. A mother of 30 with 2 great kids and a loving husband. How is her missed teens my fault !!?
Again ‘seperation was always on the agenda and the explosions were almost every month.
Late this September my father had a severe stroke and we had to stay with my Mum in SEast England for a week. A day after we got back with my father at death’s door my wife exclaimed how she felt she wanted to have an affair.( Due to not feeling “fulfilled “). I was incredulous. Forget the nature of her comment but the timing of it moreover. It summed up just how callous and insensitive she’d become. Her response was “At least I am being honest with you” O yeah - thanks
Again she came back from that and after much discussion she admitted
Look its not your fault its me’
You’ve done everything Ive asked of you but I cant get the past out of my head.
You’ve been fantastic especially in the last year
I don’t know whats wrong with me etc etc ……..I know I could be making the mistake of my life but Ive got to do it”
Two weeks ago she said everything was back to normal and she’d get on with it.
The very next day she ‘d gone back to feeling bad about it all. The next day she felt better about us
The next day she was gone and taken the kids too. She’s rented a cottage for 6 wks
I was destroyed – utterly . I could even understand if there was someone else - there isn’t.
She said she needed the space
She said it was not one thing major just a few things from the past she cant get her head around
Shes being so ‘normal ‘ about it though - hard as nails. I hardly recognize her from that soft warm cuddly women before we had kids
Now we have the kids alternate days and I can see the looks on their little faces as they realize somethings not quite right
She never seems positive about us which makes it very hard to feel any future is there. When I say this as at Relate tonight she suddenly says she wants it to be right if she comes back, which I can see but the pain is killing me 24/7.
I’m beginning to get angry and I have days when I cant be in the same room as her now. She has the power it seems
I feel I’ve given absolutely everything to this women - emotionally and secure wise, a lovely house and kids that want for nothing. I’m far from perfect and am more than capable of being an idiot on occasion but to get treated like this is very difficult to take. I am not dismissing her points BUT I don’t beat her and the kids don’t drink don’t go to the pub, don’t gamble, am not a womanizer so………
It has not been easy to be together since the kids came along but we have done it not as much as we would like but we have.
Im getting pissed that now with the kids going to school very soon we will have more time on our hands but now - right now - she’s decided to blow our worlds completely to pieces
Last night she texted me with “I am finding it really hard not to be with you tonight”
Tonight on the way to Relate she said “I need to find out how much I can do without you” ........great
What if after this I wont have her back!! That is a thought I have more and more. I try to ignore it but it keeps coming back
Never felt this low Sorry for the length of post just had to get it out
The dreaded ‘it would be better if we separated’ has finally come to pass. She’s gone and I love her with all my heart and feel destroyed.
I am 20 years older than my wife. We fell in love she was 20 and I 40
I had been in a completely abusive relationship before and just escaped with my life after 6 years of hell. I was‘nt ready to love again but meeting my wife changed all that. I had a year out before her and so had lead a single life for a while.
She loved me like no other love before and tbh it took time for me. Much younger than I, beautiful and somehow wonderfully naïve. I did fall in love with her and we married in 2001. She wanted children. I did not. I had two children that I did not see from my first marriage much to my ex wifes choosing. But I was willing to please my wife and so I agreed. We have two great kids 3 and 4 that we both adore and care for.
Now my wife had big problems when we met – low esteem stuff. Stuff that had her in an institution for a short time self harming herself. When I met her she had just come out but was then anorexic / buleamic etc, It was difficult before the kids but I was relaxed about it and allowed her to be herself . She was fragile but over time and especially when the kids came about she got stronger and stronger and became to my joy more ‘normal’. For myself until the kids we had been nicely lazy having good times without too many cares other than to keep the wolf from the door like most people.
The kids of course brought a different pressure entirely. Money, mortgage, work however you can get it. I am a musician so the working hours were always a little different to most peoples. This pissed her off but she supported me. Sex was great although I had back problems which had knock on effects so then sex not so frequent but still 4/5 times a week.
About 2 yrs ago money was tight and we were thinking of selling the house. Although Im more qualified I could not get a job doing music just like that - she could. We just needed something more coming in in the short term. So although I would have to have the kids on the days she worked at least we’d have money in until my work improved full time. She landed a great part time job that paid good money 20 hrs a week . I had the kids in daytime whilst she worked and then when she came home I would teach privately into the evenings.
I found this very hard being a ‘Mum’ for 3 and half days a week and then carrying on working in the evening . I am a gigging muso so every now and then, not a great deal I have to gig ( maybe 15 times a year) for very good money. I managed to get even more work as we needed more money, at a college for two more days a week to keep it together. This needed preparation. Often I ended up coming in late and she’d gone to bed.
About 18 months ago I had got my act together with the kids care in the daytime but she started giving me jip about their food about washing their clothes etc small things. She’d moan about the poor foods I gave them and then she would take them to McDonalds four times a week!!
I got a bit depressed as I thought I was doing a good job. She said it was part due to her missing the growing up of our daughter who was one when my wife went back to work. Saying that she was not fulltime so of course she still did and does have a strong time with our daughter
But I began to resent her and after working late would often play computer games and not come in. This pissed her off entirely. She gave me a dressing down and I realized I’d been a bit of a ****. Not good from me but I then pulled it around.
After that although I often had to work late for work reasons but made a point of coming in earlier and earlier to be with her. I really got to grips with having the kids whilst she worked and managed to find more and more work. She seemed very understanding of the nature of it in so much as she would encourage me to work late if it needed it but even so it was much less than before.
About 15 months ago suddenly there was another row and she started saying stuff like she was not sure where she ‘was ‘ with us and it would be good to separate to find out how she was.
I asked why - had’nt things improved?. Yes but not enough. I disagreed about seperation
She started to change, staying out later with friends from work and her ‘social life’ . Of course the main reason she had such a social life was that I was at home with the kids when she was out!! We found it difficult to get babysitters (no family near) but still did get out together every now and then. Other comments began ‘you embarrass me with my friends’. ‘You don’t really want to be with me as you showed before’.
Arguments increased and my ‘twatishness’ from before always came up. The kids started to come into it - I never spend any time with them/ I never bath them /We have no family time.
All of which although maybe not exactly like a 9-5 life was upon closer examination very untrue.
She began to have this habit of taking a half truth - say the bathing the kids one - where for four nights a week I would be working until 8.30pm earning good money - no choices here. So on a Friday Id bath them and love it. On a Saturday she would say I’ll do it anyway and Id do Sunday so Id done 2 out of five. Over a month that would mean Id done a handful and she’d done the rest. NOT my choice but in a discussion to her friends it would become ”He NEVER EVER baths the kids as well “ . This is the kind f thing that really pisses me off
Id fight my corner and dissect her claims and always she end up seeing it was not so and it would be okay again for three months then – Bang, once again. And again with all the same stuff But things were now getting added- I’d ‘made’ her go to work 2 years ago, I’d made her go to work in London 8 years AGO – 8 YEARS AGO - YES. And then ( she was 30 this year) “I missed out on my teens met you and have never had that girlie teen time of letting down my hair ! Met you when I was 20 and now Im thirty” having missed that !! EH . I could have said / well in your teens you were so messed up you ended up in a mental ward until I came along and gave you love and a life’ - but I didnt . She started to blame me for these kind of things. A mother of 30 with 2 great kids and a loving husband. How is her missed teens my fault !!?
Again ‘seperation was always on the agenda and the explosions were almost every month.
Late this September my father had a severe stroke and we had to stay with my Mum in SEast England for a week. A day after we got back with my father at death’s door my wife exclaimed how she felt she wanted to have an affair.( Due to not feeling “fulfilled “). I was incredulous. Forget the nature of her comment but the timing of it moreover. It summed up just how callous and insensitive she’d become. Her response was “At least I am being honest with you” O yeah - thanks
Again she came back from that and after much discussion she admitted
Look its not your fault its me’
You’ve done everything Ive asked of you but I cant get the past out of my head.
You’ve been fantastic especially in the last year
I don’t know whats wrong with me etc etc ……..I know I could be making the mistake of my life but Ive got to do it”
Two weeks ago she said everything was back to normal and she’d get on with it.
The very next day she ‘d gone back to feeling bad about it all. The next day she felt better about us
The next day she was gone and taken the kids too. She’s rented a cottage for 6 wks
I was destroyed – utterly . I could even understand if there was someone else - there isn’t.
She said she needed the space
She said it was not one thing major just a few things from the past she cant get her head around
Shes being so ‘normal ‘ about it though - hard as nails. I hardly recognize her from that soft warm cuddly women before we had kids
Now we have the kids alternate days and I can see the looks on their little faces as they realize somethings not quite right
She never seems positive about us which makes it very hard to feel any future is there. When I say this as at Relate tonight she suddenly says she wants it to be right if she comes back, which I can see but the pain is killing me 24/7.
I’m beginning to get angry and I have days when I cant be in the same room as her now. She has the power it seems
I feel I’ve given absolutely everything to this women - emotionally and secure wise, a lovely house and kids that want for nothing. I’m far from perfect and am more than capable of being an idiot on occasion but to get treated like this is very difficult to take. I am not dismissing her points BUT I don’t beat her and the kids don’t drink don’t go to the pub, don’t gamble, am not a womanizer so………
It has not been easy to be together since the kids came along but we have done it not as much as we would like but we have.
Im getting pissed that now with the kids going to school very soon we will have more time on our hands but now - right now - she’s decided to blow our worlds completely to pieces
Last night she texted me with “I am finding it really hard not to be with you tonight”
Tonight on the way to Relate she said “I need to find out how much I can do without you” ........great
What if after this I wont have her back!! That is a thought I have more and more. I try to ignore it but it keeps coming back
Never felt this low Sorry for the length of post just had to get it out