help

[alice196]

hi my husband left me in april and after 3 months decided to come back now after 2 months back together he's decided he wants out again i still love him but i know in my heart he doesn't feel the same he's being so cold and says he's not leaving the marital home which is killing me my question is do i have to leave i have a son and we have no were else to go also i only work part time and cant afford to rent do i have any rights on staying in my home with my son who is 15 he's being cold and wants everything his way we cant even talk it's hard as we have to be in the same house does anyone know what i can do

[Helen]

Alice,

I am sorry you are having such a rotten time. I think your husband is being very unfair. He is the one who wants out yet he is making your life Hell. He already left once (rather selfishly - where did he go during that time, by the way?) and has now returned and is determined to get his way in everything. You have just as much right to stay in the marital home as your husband does. If it comes down to you splittling permanently, if your son is going to stay with you (and unless a woman has been a neglectful mother, the expectation, biased though it is, is that a child would stay with its mother), I would say you have more right to stay than your husband and you may be able to get this enforceable by law.

If the law decides in your favour (and I would say you are probably in a stronger position regarding this than your husband because you work part-time and your husband no doubt works full-time), your husband will normally be expected to contribute towards your mortgage, household insurance and your son's upkeep until he is 19 or he finishes full-time education, whichever happens sooner. This is unless you both decide to sever ties completely and you buy him out up front. Once your son leaves school and provided you haven't already bought him out by then, your husband has the right to either expect you to buy him out of your house or, if you cannot afford to do this, sell the house and give him his equity from the profits. As part of the process of considering how much equity he is entitled to, given the fact that you work part time (and I assume you have since your son/children were born), you have the right to make a claim for a portion of his pension or ask that he offset a proportion of his equity in the house in exchange for a reduction in the amount of pension due to you. This is especially important if you decide to sever ties up front.

You really need expert advice about all these things because they are too complicated to give clear advice on.

Indeed, I STRONGLY advise you to seek legal advice NOW and say NOTHING to your husband until you have. If you live in the UK and you cannot afford to pay for legal advice, do a Google search for 'Law Centres' and see if you can find one in your area. Given your part-time working status, you are probably going to be entitled to Legal Aid. If you have no Law Centres in your area, see if you can find a local Citizen's Advice Beaureux and get down there to find out what your rights are regarding the marital home and anything else you might be able to get help with. If you do end up splitting, I would get any agreements in this area finalised by the Courts; that way your husband will have to move out. In addition, if you are left alone, you will probably be entitled to help from the state, in the form of Child Tax Credits, Working Families Tax Credits (until your son leaves school/college or turns 19; whichever is sooner) and a reduction in your Council Tax.

Could you tell us a bit more about the circumstances leading up to your husband's departure and return to the household? I suspect we may be able to advise you more fully if you do.

Take care,


Helen

[alice196]

Thank you helen for taking the time to write to me, my husband left me in april out of the blue, i later found out he was chasing after a 24 year old he's 36 i heard she lost interest and didn't want him, so we tryed to make another go he had been living with his parents, i love him so i took him back, for the first few months it was great and then we had an argument and both said some nasty things i hold my hand up to that but he decided he couldn't be bothered trying anymore and said we should spilt which made me think he didn't care that much or he would have tryed to stay and work at it. Now he wants the house sold and for me and my son to find somewere else. he's self employed so he can tell his solictor he earns what ever he feels like as his money is cash in hand so i don't have a leg to stand on as i can't prove what he earns, i'm not thinking straight at the minute as it hurts so much as he's walking about humming like life's great i just feel like slapping him. x

[Helen]

Alice,

Your husband needs to grow up. He sounds like a real piece of work. Okay so you were angry and nasty words were exchanged but so what? He really shouldn't be surprised that you had a few choice things to say after what he did to you. At the end of the day, what he had to say wasn't exactly pleasant, was it? I personally would have brained him with my second best frying pan! :) He sounds like the kind of man who wants to do as he pleases and expects you to just put up and shut up. If you don't he behaves like a childish bully. Sounds to me like you would be better off out of it.

In terms of your latest post, it doesn't matter if he is self-employed. All you need is evidence of who is currently paying the mortgage and associated bills. If the money is coming from his account and you have not been transferring money for this purpose, the expectation would be that he would continue to pay this amount, particularly if he has managed to pay it steadily, for a number of years. Even if the money is coming from your account, if you can prove how much you earn in total, the assumption will be that a) the balance is coming from him and b) that he will continue to pay at least that amount (plus child support) to you. Not only that, but he needs to understand that by taking cash in hand, he is operating in the so called 'black economy' - something which is illegal in this country. So he needs to be very careful to behave while the two of you are negotiating the terms of your divorce.

The other thing I would do is point out to your husband, should he decide to behave like a complete heel, that his child will one day find out that he would rather have you and him made homeless, through no fault of your own, than fulfil his obligations. You will not need to say a word. Your son is old enough to understand what is going on. If he cares what his child thinks about him and if he wants to have any kind of relationship with him as he goes through life, he will buck up his ideas now.

Do not let your assumptions about what he can and can't do stop you from finding out what you are entitled to. Even if he tries to hide, the Inland Revenue can tag his National Insurance number and will know the minute he starts earning. If he doesn't declare earnings and he is not on state benefits, believe me, the taxman will be very interested in his doings from now on.

As for him humming, recognise it for what it is - it is another way to intimidate and control. I would cross your arms and tell him flatly that it isn't working so he should give it up. In the meantime, I would suggest you tell him that he can want what he wants but while you have a minor in the house, he cannot force you to do anything. Then go and seek advice sharpish.


Helen

By the way, in terms of your husband's desire to sell the house and for you and his son to find somewhere else, I would tell him 'not so fast'. First, your child is entitled to have access to a home while he is still in full time education. Then there is still the question of his pension. You intend to explore everything you might be entitled to before you agree to anything. Until then, he will just have to sit tight while you do what you have to do - after all, his willingness to make you and his child homeless demonstrates very clearly that the only person he gives a s**t about is himself - and no amount of childishness, humming or tantrums are going to change your mind. And if he gets really out of order, I would wave the threat of informing the taxman about his black economy earnings as leverage.

[Anne22]

Helen

Again such fantastic advice - so sorry Alice to hear about your pain - your H sounds a complete B - he needs to wake up and smell the coffee - it beggers belief that he hasnt thought about your son in all of this!

I hope you get the advice you need and stay strong - I have found this part hard as I felt I was betraying my H when I sought advice. However following H advice/reply to my threads I have taken steps like finding out my rights, photocopying emails he has had with o/w and also taken copies of his pension funds - any assets etc just incase he flees!!!
He would obviously take the important stuff with him!!!

I found finding out my rights very liberating and empowering - I hope you do too - its all very scary too but we are strong and can do it alone if we need to!!

As he has left before I hope you have confided all the info to friends and family to help support you through this. You need to build a good wall of support around you to help you ace all he has put/is putting you through!

Do take care - I am thinking of you and hope you can now go ahead and get that advice.

Best of luck girlfriend! Remember we are here for a chat!

Anne x

[alice196]

thank you so much for the advice it does me good to know other people care and helen you sound great wish i had a friend like you to keep my spirits up x

[Helen]

thank you so much for the advice it does me good to know other people care and helen you sound great wish i had a friend like you to keep my spirits up xAlice,

It's nice of you to say this. But you know, you do have a friend like me - a cyber friend! We are all here to help. Any time you need help, any time you feel down or just want to chat, post here. I am on the board every day. I don't answer every post but I do, if I think I can help, try to offer advice or information. And there are many, many others here who will be only to happy to help too.

Do take care and please - seek advice. Empower yourself. From the sounds of your husband, you are going to need to...


Helen

[alice196]

Hi helen it's me again been to see solictor and a letter is waiting for him when he comes home from work. I feel really low just want to cry all the time and now he's found someone else he goes to her then comes home all hours of the morning and thinks i should be his friend, my solictor says he doesn't have to leave as the house is legally in both names and he's refusing to go don't know why he wants to stay as he's meet her and nothing to keep him here but he insists he's going nowere i/ve phoned a housing dept and they say i have no chance of housing in my area even if i'm homeless i just feel like i'm on my own and am having doubts about myself. x

It's nice of you to say this. But you know, you do have a friend like me - a cyber friend! We are all here to help. Any time you need help, any time you feel down or just want to chat, post here. I am on the board every day. I don't answer every post but I do, if I think I can help, try to offer advice or information. And there are many, many others here who will be only to happy to help too.

Do take care and please - seek advice. Empower yourself. From the sounds of your husband, you are going to need to...


Helen[/quote]

[Helen]

Alice,

If he refuses to leave then you need to tell him that he HAS to buy you out of the home so that you can leave. Forget the fact that the home comes with his job. The fact is, you are equally entitled to be there but you are not going to be a cow about it, unlike him. The only thing you are goiing to demand is he behaves like a father to your child.

The solicitor says both your names are on the home so you are both equally entitled to be there. If he wants out and if he wants you to go(and his refusals to leave would seem to attest to this), he needs to make a decent offer to get you to vacate. In the meantime, I would think about moving elsewhere - to another part of the country, if necessary. Yes, it isn't ideal especially given your son. But your son is young enough to make new friends and recover his position re GCSEs. And this is the position his father is forcing you into. Forget about being his friend. Tell him you are not interested in being his friend. What you want to be is his WIFE! If he wants to step out and see other women, this is not your problem to deal with nor do you have to tolerate it. Tell him he is free to do whatever he thinks he needs to do but do not expect you to be at home playing lady wife-friend at the end of it!

What your moving away would mean for his dad is not your problem. Tell your husband that if he is serious about maintaining a relationship with HIS son, he will do his best to minimise disruption to his son. This means that a real dad will be willing to put himself out and travel to see his boy. It is not ideal but it is also not a situation you are choosing to put yourself in. Your husband is forcing you into this situation and if you have to move, so be it. And make sure he knows this.

Have a look at the Women's aid site here: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/ http://www.womensaid.org.uk/ you are not a battered wife but mental cruelty is a form of abuse and what your husband is doing is a form of mental abuse. There is a free phone number to call - CALL IT! Get your settlement. Then move away from this selfish loser. Andi if you can throw spanner in the works, do. In other words, make it your business to ensure that the other woman's husband knows what is going on between your husband and his wife. Because it does not sound to me as though he does and he deserves to know that his wife is a cheat and a liar. With any luck, you will derail his relationship with the other woman and he will have little choice other than to reconsider his plan to make life so uncomfortable for you and his child that you uproot yourselves and move elsewhere.

My heart is bleeding for you. In my case, infidelity was clear cut. Not only that but my ex cheated with my brother's wife and my brother came out fighting in my corner and dumped her. Now she is bitter, alone and lamenting her lot. Too bad for her! (Not!). And too bad for my ex (NOT!!!). You need to do something more. Yes, your solicitor told you what the legal position was but it isn't necessarily the end. On the Women's Aid site, pay special attention to what the law says about homeless women and kids. Move in with your parents again (if necessary - on paper, at least). And then take on your local authority, calling for help via these pages, if necessary.

You are entitled to be rehoused as long as you have a child in fulll time education. Make the law work for you, pull stings or pull punches if you have to. If you need help with drafting or strategies, let us know. I am sure there will be no end of help for you.

Take care


Helen