Devasted, husband doesn't love me

[LisaH]

Where do I start. We have been together for 12 years, married for 8 and have 5 year old twins. Ours was a relation of passion, husband was married before and newly seperated when we got together, he has 3 other children by his first marriage. The divorce was acrimonious and he no longer has contact with his children or his father. Over the years he tried to rectify this but I was unsupportive and even gave him an ultimatum (which I immediately regretted). I got on well with his children at first but once we moved area he decided that he didn't want to see them again. We were trying for a family as well at this point and eventually had to use IVF as husband had had a vasectomy. I realise now of course that my husband could never be really happy with out contact with his other children. With our own children, we have argued alot about the way to bring them up. We have have had many petty arguments, just to prove who was right and who was wrong, with some harsh words being said.

We have always been very close and did everything together, and I have always supported him in his career moves (in farming). Last year he got his dream job as a farm manager and we settled into a great village. A few months ago I noticed he no longer told me he loved me, I asked him about this and he told me not to be daft. In August we went on holiday to France to a house we are renovating, when we came back, he was distant, I asked him what was wrong, he said he didn't love me like he used to. Well I was devestated, I argued and begged and argued and begged. He would do all he could to avoid me. He said he needed time to think it out. I booked a holiday for us at half term but he said he didn't know if he would come. My doctor has put me on anti-depressants and I feel so low. He started to take his phone with him so one night I told him I was going to look at his phone and on it was a text message saying "night darling". He snatched the phone from me saying he didn't know who it was from and that he didn't know how to text. I took of my wedding ring. He said all I wanted was evidence to divorce him. I couldn't beleive it all, the rug had just been pulled out from underneath me. During the night I asked him again and he said yes he did know who the text was from, a friend, he said he to talk to someone and that was just her way of talking. But he won't tell me who it is. The thing is, friends and neighbours have offered to listen to him, but up until then he was adamant that he wasn't going to talk to anyone! The next day I took the boys off school and took them away on holiday. My husband phoned everyday and talked about everyday stuff, I gave a few emotional phone calls to him.

When I got back, he told me he couldn't carry on and that he no longer loved me. Because the house goes with the job, me and the boys would have to move out, I now have to apply for social housing. I am completely distraught at what has happened over what feels like such a short time. We are living in the same house, he is sleeping downstairs, I am cooking and cleaning for him and still going to work. I am trying the method of not talking about the relationship but just talking about everyday stuff but everyso often I break down and end up crying and begging. I feel he has not given us a fair chance.

He goes out some evenings and has told me that he is going away for the night soon but won't tell me where he is going. I feel that he is being unfair but I would do absolutely anything to have him back. I wrote him a letter explaining that I had not become a nice person and I wouldn't be like that again. We had so much in common together and our future of travelling planned together. I feel that part of my life has been a lie. My children do not want to move house and they love their dad, but my husband will not stay for their sake.

Its the old saying, you don't realise what you had till its gone, I wish I could turn the clock back. I love and miss him so much it is very painful.

Please can anyone offer some positive advice?

Lisa

[Annie2]

hello Lisa,

I am truely sorry for your pain. I know that you must be completely shattered and not know which way to turn.

You have pointed out a lot of times where you feel you were responsible for things in your marriage. This is very honest of you.

Your husband has not given you any concrete reason why he wants to end your marriage. Simply saying he doesn't love you anymore is not really explaining very much. You really need some answers here.

I hate to hurt you even more but the text and the night away do suggest a third party is involved. If this is the case, for every reason (legal and your state of mind) you need the truth.

Saying all that is easier said than done. The only person who can give you answers is your husband and he seems to be 'mind made up and not budging'. This doesn't mean you have to stop trying. Can you suggest counselling, even if it's mediation to sort out child access and so on for the future, he may be able to open up a bit better in that situation.

I find it appauling that he is willing to throw his wife and children out on the street (so to speak) simply because he feels he is unhappy. It seems so selfish and very, very cruel. I'm not sure where he thinks he has the right to do that. No matter that the house may legally his with his job but his children and you are legally bound to him too. I really advise you to get some legal advise right now. He seems to be in full control and making decisions for everyone. Armed with a bit more knowledge you too can take a bit of control over this situation.

The fact he said 'all you want is evidence to divorce him' is very confusing. It is not you who has suggested divorce or leaving. It is him. He is not making any sense here.

The part of your life you now feel was a lie - it wasn't. Why should you not have future hopes and believe the person you are sharing life with should be trusted and enjoying it as much as you. You were not lying to yourself, if anything he has been lying to you or is now. It could be that he was very happy but for some reason now is not, it doesn't make your past a lie, it;s the present that is the problem. You really need answers to what is going on now.

I'm sorry I have no concrete advise for you but without answers you really can't be certain of what your future is. I would definately find out where you stand legally, and I would be more insisting that he explain a bit more to you, he owes you that.

Take care of yourself Lisa,
Annie

[LisaH]

I have found out who the texts were from, a so-called neighbour and friend, I managed to have the call traced. They both say that they are only talking and that he finds her easy to talk to. But she hasn't told her husband and she is using a seperate mobile phone. I wouldn't treat my husband like that.

She phoned me up after I left an answer on her answerphone, she is calling me childish jumping to conclusions and tells me to mind my own business. I feel humiliated by them both as we went out as couples and I told her what was happening, but she never let on that she already knew. The worst part is that I still love my husband, why am I so stupid?

[Anne22]

LisaH

I am sorry you are suffering like this - my H had a fling with a good friend of ours too - this seems the ultimate betrayal!

I instinctively knew something was going on and wished I had confronted them or my H sooner - infact he went on to sleep with her again and then I confronted him - he said that at the time what I didnt know wouldnt hurt me - yeh right!! He also said that if I had confronted him sooner he wouldnt have slept with her the 2nd time - apparently the only reason he did was because 'she offered it on a plate'!!! I sent her an email from us both - to show we stood united (!!!) and didnt want her in our lives anymore!!! I really wanted to scream and shout and hurt her but kept my dignity by not lowering myself to her level - I wasnt sure if that was the right thing to do at the time - seemed very tame - however I think it has paid off as I nolonger hear from her - my H never goes on business to that part of the country any more and says he would tell me if she emailed or rang again!!! I pray that she keeps away and he leaves her alone!!

One thing I have learnt is that I cannot control what he does - he could go back for more but hopefully he realises what a cheap t..t she was. Incidently he said he didnt like 'the act' - perhaps his guilt didnt let him!!!

Anyway my advice to you would be to find out for good - dont let him fob you off - stand strong and let him know that you will not be walked over!!! Hard I know - but I wish I had done that at the begining!!!

I also felt very humiliated but thankfully had moved to the other side of the UK when it all came to light!!!

For you this must be agony - we do have a vey strong instinct and generally if you think your H is playing away - you will know!!!

I too - throughout all this still love my husband - you are not stupid but Marriage means alot to people like us and we dont want to be the one to end things.

I hope you get to the bottom of this and try not to be too hard on yourself - your H needs to give you a v good explanation - I hope you can get this from him!!!

Take care, take the advice Annie has given you - get good advise - you might need it and most importantly be strong!!

I have been so grateful to everyone for all their advice and being able to share my thoughts - we are here for you to - keep posting!

Anne xx

[Annie2]

Lisa,

You are not stupid. Just because your husband claims to not love you doesn't mean you can switch your feelings off. This is a shock for you and you are hurting and confused but you are not stupid.

The so-called friend is clearly not trustworthy. It is absolutely out of order to chat with someone else's husband about his marital issues, especially if the wife is unaware. Telling you to mind your own business is outrageous. How dare she, it is YOUR business not hers. You are in no way childish. Anyone who is in your situation would want to find out the truth. I hope you gave her an ear bashing and so on.

To say he finds her easy to talk to. Of course he does, she doesn't have to feel the pain or confusion of what he is saying. To talk to you right now would mean he has to listen to and receive a reaction (which is understandable). He is therefore the childish one, if he can't face the music and he can't sort it out like an adult. He is choosing to protect himself by not allowing you to have an opinion on how he is feeling. He knows that of course you will have one but he is such a coward. She will be getting nothing but false praise for being 'understanding', yet what is she having to be 'understanding' about - certainly nothing that affects her.

The mind boggles as to why she hasn't told her husband. I reckon he too would be furious like you but I don't think she would brush him off with 'you are being childish'. She is interfering in your marriage and your husband is being very foolish to be taken in like this.

I really feel for you Lisa. But you are at least one step forward since your last post, you now know who the text was from. You need to insist that your husband at least explains what is going on and where you stand in all of this. He can not think he can just evict you and the children out of his life without offering a better explanation. Is he showing any remorse for making the decision that he could 'no longer carry on with you'?

Hang in there Lisa, you have every right to feel the way you are feeling right now. But you must not feel humiliated or stupid. They are the stupid ones and they are humiliating themselves because they are not behaving kindly, fairly or in any way decently. You sound as though you have been pretty honest with your husband and it is not too much to expect that he is honest back.

Take lots of care,
Annie

[Helen]

Lisa,

You are not stupid. Unlike your husband's, your love will not disappear overnight, as if by magic. I do think you are being a little bit naive in accepting things at face value though. The change in your husband's feelings came on a bit suddenly, don't you think?

I am sorry to say it but there are all sorts of signs here that your husband is having an affair with this woman. The sudden distance, the statement about not loving you, his willingness to see you and his children homeless, his going out in the evening and then saying he is going away overnight soon. Then there is this other woman. A second phone that she uses to text your husband. Not telling her husband about her friendship with him - if it is just friendship, why is she hiding it from him? And the 'goodnight darling' text - a bit familiar for a friend...

I think this so called friend has some brass neck telling you to mind your own business. This is your business! This is YOUR husband. Has it not occurred to her that your marriage is going down the pan because she is in the middle of it? Doesn't she care that you and two small children are going to be homeless? What are her intentions towards your husband? Is she intending to leave her marriage for him or what?

Your husband has suddenly decided he wants out. Maybe he sees this woman as a potential new mate - who knows? How do you find out for sure what is going on? When your husband goes away overnight, call her husband on some pretext and find out if she is home. If he says she has gone away overnight too, you have your answer. It seems that your husband has made up his mind but you too need to make some decisions at some point. I am not going to suggest you rush to divorce him. He may come to his senses, especially if he realises that he has no real future with this woman. But you need a plan B in case he doesn't.

My advice to you is to go and find out what your rights are. As Annie says, there is nothing like knowledge to arm yourself when your husband starts steamrolling through his plans. The fact of the matter is, he is the one who wants out so why should you be the one to leave? Yes, the house comes with his job but so what? If he had one decent bone in his body, if he truly cares about his sons, he will move out and allow you to live in the house until the two of you make a decision about the future of your marriage one way or another.

I would also see if you can contact his first wife. There is a reason why their divorce was acrimonious. I am guessing he cheated on her too. If he did, the prognosis for his relationship with this woman and future relationships is not promising. Chances are he will go through life a serial cheat.

The other thing I would do is think about getting some counselling for yourself. Just being able to talk to someone about what is going on can be enormously helpful. I know how hard this is because my ex had an affair too. Most of us on this board are here because our spouses cheated on us. I think the worst thing is when a man cheats with someone you consider a friend. It's like a double betrayal. Well, it is a double betrayal. I truly understand your devastation.

Do look after yourself. Don't move from the house until you have sought some proper legal advice. And remember - hard though things are at the moment, things will get better, although it will take time. Until then, hang on for grim death, talk to your friends and get whatever help and support you need to get through this difficult time.

Take care,


Helen

[LisaH]

Well, I threw his stuff out just as he was coming home from work. I physically fought with him calling him all the names under the sun. He eventually went off on his motorbike. My boys came home from work and I calmed down a bit. Husband came home and said he had to stay in the house as well. What can I do.

After the boys went to bed we talked, he said he might lose his job over this. He said that he doesn't love her but doesn't know if she loves him. She is a beautiful woman, always immaculate and in control. I was so upset, I told him I still love him and would put all this behind me but he doesn't think it will work.

His main concern is for our boys, he thinks as long as they are both loved by both of us that is ok. I told him the boys don't want to move from their home. I explained that it may take months to find a home for me and the boys, he said that was ok, he likes having the boys around. I said that while we were living under the same roof couldn't we try to be a family, no pressure, not a couple. Carry on in seperate rooms but just occassionaly do things as a family. I explained all the pain and finance problems that are involved in seperation and he has already been through one painful divorce, surely it is worth just waiting to see what would happen. I said that six months down the line I might hate him or he might love me again, who knows? Anyhow he wouldn't commit himself to anything, so I have left it that occassionally I will ask him if he wants to join us in a family thing, no pressure, just a yes or no. He said we'll see.

I think he is going through a hard time, he has been found out by family and friends that he has lied, he has problems at work and major problems at home. I feel that he is infatuated by this woman. I am just hoping to bide my time and hope he will come round to seeing that I am not so bad after all.

Am I mad?

I am desperate to save this marriage.

Lisa

[Helen]

Lisa,

First, good for you for confronting your husband. Now the truth is coming out. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt but at least you know where you stand. I want to say two things to you. First, I don't think your husband knows what he wants. When a man is embroiled with another woman (and the same is true of women who have affairs), they suddenly start to see faults in their wife. This may be conscious or unconscious. They also start saying things like 'I am not sure if I love you any more'. This occurs because the target for their affections becomes confused. He is doubting his love for you because there is someone else lurking in his life. It is possible that his infatuation with this woman will wear off and he will realise what an idiot he has been. Because not only is he proposing to leave you, he is also leaving his kids. Okay, he isn't leaving them but there is a huge difference between getting 100% access to them all the time and only seeing them once or twice a week for a few hours. This is the sacrifice he is proposing to make. And for what?

The second thing I want to say is I don't know if I would call you mad but you have chosen a very hard path to walk. I think it will be great if the two of you can manage to live in the same house and make it work but the question has got to be this: is it his intention to carry on seeing this woman while he is living with you? Can you endure it? This is the hard path I referred to. Living with him and knowing he is seeing someone else is going to be very difficult. I would also say you need to be careful not to give him the impression that you will tolerate anything so long as the two of you stay together. The man may end up losing all respect for you if you do. This needs serious discussion between you because if you are going to live together for a while at least, there does need to be some ground rules.

The other thing that strikes me is he is behaving like a bit of a victim here. He says he could lose his job over this. Not if he stops seeing her! So what is stopping him? Has he said how long it has been going on? Has he indicated how and why it started in the first place? If he is going to be fair to you, he needs to help you understand why he looked elsewhere when he had you at home. He also has to remember - the two of you were very close until this started. His affections have only wavered recently. If he can, he needs to help you understand why and how this happened.

I do hope you manage to make this work and he comes to his senses. Post on this board regularly because it does sound as though you are going to need support over the coming weeks and months.

Take care,


Helen

[Annie2]

Hello Lisa and all,

I think Helen has said some really important things in her post. Could you really stay with your husband if he still carried on with another woman. It may not be the same one, that may burn out, but what about the next? If he saw you as not being a couple there would be nothing in his head to stop him.

I think his infatuation with her is so typical of men (and woman) who are too lazy or stupid (at that point) to work out a way of making their marriage work. Of course feelings change for your partner. We are togther 24/7 and more than half of what we say and do affects them. Therefore each time he does something which makes you angry, sad or hurt he is not going to like it. With someone new, it's only about high happy, understanding and ego boosting feelings. The other woman has yet to be on the receiving end of one of his bad moods, an exhausted him when she actually needs some help, or him just taking her for granted. She is new and therefore mostly unknown. Everything he feels, says and does will not have any negative effect on her because actually it doesn't involve her. And vice versa for him. So it's so unreal, it's not life as we know it and have to live it. It's not her, about her. She is not some wonderful, understanding woman who supports him in whatever he does, she is simply in the postition of not being a part of his daily life. It could be anyone. The annoying part for you is that you can see what he can't. She has already shown you that she is untrustworthy as a friend and she doesn't have much respect for other peoples wives or children. Yet he can't see that because the 'freedom from responsibility' are all he can see.

I agree with what Helen said about him offering you a far better explanation. He is no victim, he is the perpertrator right now. This has been a huge shock for you because you believed you and he were together for ever. He has been making plans and decisions without you, which affect you and your children. Yet he feels your marriage can't work. Of course it cant when he isn't working with you. If he felt in any way confused about your marriage he should have spoken to you. Saying that he couldn't do that or it was easier to speak to her is such a lame excuse. Even if you were the most aggressive, spiteful or argumentative person in the world, he married you, he chose to spend his life with you and therefore he owes you a proper explanation as to why he feels he has changed his mind.

You really should think about counselling for you and get some legal advice. You may find yourself suddenly exhausted and depressed more than ever and it would be wise to get on top of it before it catches up.

I really hope things work for you, he is being a very foolish man and just maybe he will wake up and see that.
Take lots of care,
Annie

[LisaH]

What I forgot to mention is that this woman is married with 2 young children also, in fact her son is my boys best friend! She told me she would tell her husband, which she probably has, but an edited version.

To be honest, I don't want to now all the facts and figures, I know that would torture me more. I just want to move on. Other people in the village now know what is happening and I think I will just let matters take there course, let other people judge her, she was well liked up until now. I want to think I am above her, she is just a bored lonely housewife. I have, or had up until now, a full and varied life, I am not going to let her break me.

As for living in the same house, I have no option until I can be re-housed. I am not moving to anywhere I don't like because I want to put my boys first. They are already the victims in this mess.

I appreciate all the help and advice you have been offering me. I am just taking every hour as it comes.

Lisa

[Helen]

Lisa,

My latest 'advice' to you is unconventional. Most women would work to maintain a status quo while they are in the situation you are in. But I think, if you are truly desperate to save your marriage, I wouldn't worry about this! If you think the other woman has given her husband an edited 'Director's cut' of what is going on. I would contact him and ask to meet up face to face, for coffee or something. And TELL him what is going on, from what you have garnered, learned, been advised about, etc. Point him to this site, to this thread. And ask him if he is willing to be a chump?

At the end of the day, your objective has to be to separate your husband from this woman, if only to help him come to his senses. Fair means or foul rule here. They have to. You have to achieve this objective, by whatever means. Chances are her husband is already hurting if she has told him. IF. I seriously doubt she has said anything because she sounds like the type to try to keep the status quo. Sorry to say it. As awful as it sounds, her husband deserves to know the truth. The TOTAL truth. And if he has to hear it from you, so be it. The other woman might hate you for doing this but so what? Screw her! She is no friend to you and deserves no loyalty. This is your marriage and your children on the line. It is up to you to take a stand, particularly if you want to save your own marriage, which it does sound as though you want to do...

I agree you don't need the detail but if your marriage is to survive after this. you DO need to understand why your husband went elsewhere. Maybe you are not ready to hear this at the moment, which is fair enough. But you will need to hear it eventually. THIS is my message. Because if you do not learn from this experience, chances are your husband will cheat again with someone else. If you are desperate to avoid this, you desperately need to learn some sort of lesson from this...in your own time.

I am not going to say 'take care' for a change. I am sure you will.


Helen

[LisaH]

Thanks Helen

I agree with you on many points, I do know why my husband went elsewhere, with hindsight I can see it now. I have told him this but he thinks it is too late. I however, am willing to persevere while we are under the same room.

I also agree that the o/w husband needs to know, but how do I contact him. She is home all the time and he is self employed working at different places every day. I don't have a mobile number for him. He is never home alone. I will just have to bide my time but I would rather do it sooner than later.

Thanks for your help

Lisa

[LisaH]

Hi

Has anyone got anymore advice for a sad unloved wife who is deperate to turn her marriage around and earn her husbands love again?

Lisa