husband oogled

[angel11]

My husband told me last night (after a little too much to drink) that the night we fell "in love", he was checking out a woman's nipples. We had always spoken about that night in the most romantic way and now he tells me that! I wouldn't have continued to see him had I noticed. I am sooooooo friggin pissed off. We have been married for two years. I have never noticed him looking at women----we dated for 2 years prior to being married. I always thought I could trust him. He has always told me that he only had eyes for me.

I am disappointed. I don't know if he can undo this damage. Need advice

[wifeandkids]

I'm sorry that he hurt you, Angel.

Have you spoken to him since then? I'm sure he is sobered up by now. Ask him if he remembers saying this to you. Then, ask why he told you this. Ask if he meant to hurt you.

[angel11]

Oh wife and kids,

Thanks for the response. When I got home I had a dozen roses on the table waiting for me. He called and apologized. When he got home we talked about it and he said he was way too drunk and that he was sorry and didn't mean to hurt me. He said he doesn't remember much of what he said. He hadn't eaten much and had one too many. He is going to lay off the drinking because he isn't like that.
I forgave him.

Thanks again. Your post had a very calming tone.

[wifeandkids]

Angel,

I'm so glad that everything worked out and he apologized. :) He did the right thing. I'm sure it was the alcohol speaking.

You're welcome.

[kazza]

Hi i,m going through a similer experience at the moment and it is really hurting me, i know that my husband loves me deeply but last night we went out to celebrate the new year and i saw my husband look down at another womens breast, and a few weeks ago i had to go out and had only just got down the road and forgot something so i went back and he had got onto some porn sight and had an erection i was so hurt that i just slammed the door and left he felt real bad. I feel that maybe i dont turn him on anymore as i am over wieght although he tells me that he loves me and only me i must be a real put off when he has to look at other skinny acctractive women that are sexy.So if anyone can give me some advise please do so as i hate feeling like this and i really cant handle it well. Kazza.

[markus]

It is possible to love someone and look at another womens nipples
or beat one off while looking at porn
give these men a break

[Liz]

Dear Kazza

I understand why you feel angry, but slamming doors probably won't achieve much. Have you tried to sit down and explain to your husband how you feel when he is looking at other women or porn. Whatever Marcus says, you are feeling hurt and unloved when he behaves that way. I would have thought most men who love their wives would be willing to sacrifice their own physical urges to ensure their woman knew she was really special to them. Perhaps he needs to know what would ensure that YOU knew you were loved (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/cftcartoon/whatlove.html).

Husbands may be convinced that they love their wife and the porn doesn't matter, but they could try and stand in their wives shoes and see it from their point of view.

On the other hand, we cannot depend totally on husband's behaviour towards us for our own self worth. Are there things you could do to trim up your figure a bit and to ensure that you look as good as possible for your man. Then he really would have no excuse for looking else where and you would feel good about yourself too.

I think that men do enjoy looking at attractive women and that's quite natural, which I expect is some of what Marcus is getting at. They just need to be aware of how their behaviour affects their wives, don't they.

With best wishes

Liz

[markus]

I would have thought most men who love their wives would be willing to sacrifice their own physical urges to ensure their woman knew she was really special to them.

The male human brain does not allow us to , were conditioned to oogle nipples just like you women like to check out our lunch boxes

[disbelief]

'The male human brain does not allow us to , were conditioned to oogle nipples just like you women like to check out our lunch boxes'

What a totally unitelligent and sexist comment...believe me
arkus I have no interest in checking out anyones lunch box and neither does any other woman i know....how demeaning and pathetic can you be towards women al in the hopes of justifying a pathetic male habit of objectifying women as pieces of meat


Are you not being quite sexist yourself here??
I don't partake in such a "pathetic male habit", although I know of lots of women and men who do "check things out". I don't think it's gender specific!

[markus]

I always thought I could trust him. He has always told me that he only had eyes for me.

How can you expect a man to ignore it if a women walks past with her scud missiles on view ?

[Tawnee1969]

I agree with Markus.

I have no problem with a glance here and there, but sleazing onto another woman is not on.

Porn is fine. Porn has always been around even in our fathers day.

I have to admit to looking at an attractive male and appreciating his looks. Doesn't mean I want to sleep with him. Mind you if Brad Pitt asked.....

[unhappyleo]

It is possible to love someone and look at another womens nipples
or beat one off while looking at porn
give these men a break

If these men loved and cared about the feelings of their wives why would they need to look at other womens nipples or porn? If men want to do these things then don't get married!

[Annie2]

It doesn't make you feel particularly wanted or respected watching your husband look at another woman in the way you would like to be looked at by him. However it would be foolish to say that women and men don't look at others. I do but that is it, I look at the surface but I'm mature enough to recognise that that is all I'm seeing. I think if you feel uncomfortable and upset when you catch your partner looking then it points to other problems. If your partner spent enough time making you feel wanted and special then you wouldn't be hurt you'd understand exactly that he is simply looking. It's how you feel about yourself when he does it and it's how you feel about him too that you need to work out. If you don't feel good then ask why. Is it because you don't believe you are special or is it because you believe you are but don't believe he thinks the same.
Porn is different. Porn is an unecessary indulgence when used by partners given love and respect from their wives/husbands who find the whole aspect insulting and hurtful. Why should the hurt partner have to justify and explain just how it makes them feel if porn is not important to the user.

[cpd]

Angel,
I have difficulty believing you would make an issue over the fact that your husband admitted he glanced at nipples. I think jealousy comes from insecurity. You are entitled to draw lines and set boundaries in terms of what you feel is acceptable behaviour and no doubt people like Markus (tough love, says it like it is) is not someone you can begin to relate to. Try though and you will see that we are all more similar than you imagine. I don't think your husband did anything wrong. Your restrictive demands on their human behaviour in my view is no different? How do you expect him to bite his lip (pretend not to notice women) when you can't turn the blind eye and realize its not the end of the world.

[Annie2]

CPD,
You totally missed the point. Angel was upset that her husband spoilt her memory of a night that meant a lot to her. It wasn't so much as what he did it was why tell her about it now when that date should have been left as important.
Annie

[Jeffrey]

Quite sexist and militant there yourself. Tell me pot, what color is that kettle again?

'The male human brain does not allow us to , were conditioned to oogle nipples just like you women like to check out our lunch boxes'

What a totally unitelligent and sexist comment...believe me
arkus I have no interest in checking out anyones lunch box and neither does any other woman i know....how demeaning and pathetic can you be towards women al in the hopes of justifying a pathetic male habit of objectifying women as pieces of meat

[FrontPorchRocker]

Ya'll do know, neither side is ever going to win this argument, right?

The actual question here is why did he tell her he was checking out some other womens boobs instead of HER on THEIR special night? Was he trying to hurt her on purpose?

She probably feels on some level that their relationship was built on a lie for 2 reasons. 1.) It was their night, one to remember for all times as the the night that real life began. 2.)Now he tells her this and wasn't up front about the whole thing. He let her believe that the night was perfect all this time.

Yep, I am leaning towards something bigger. I think he is trying to tell you something. He ruined your memory and his on purpose and you need to find out why.