how do I get over this affair

[johne]

I am 60 years of age and my wife is 52. I have just discovered that she has been having an affair with a 30 year old work colleague. She has promised that it will end on several occasions but she is still seeing him. I have just been made redundant and I am presently a house husband. I care for her Father who lives with us, Do the cooking cleaning washing ironing shopping and all other chores. She says that I am the perfect husband . We cannot talk about the problems as we both end up crying . We have been married since 1991. How can I trust her again and get over the desperation I feel?

[Annie2]

hello Johne,

I am so sorry things are hard for you at the moment. You must be swamped by an almighty mixture of emotions.

I think that while your wife is still seeing this man that you really must concentrate on you. I know that is so hard and not what you want to hear. But you can not concentrate on her while her mind is elsewhere and you can not concentrate on your marriage while your wife is ignoring it.

I wonder how you are coping. It must be very exhausting for you especially as you clearly have a lot of other responsibilities. Have you spoken to anyone about it?

I feel (I could be wrong) that while she is seeing this other man that you can not trust her. Could you ask her to stop seeing him for a set time while you try and sort things out with her. Counselling would really help for this but even just airing everything out together can help too. She really can not commit to anything until she concentrates on one thing alone.

I feel so annoyed for you that while you are doing all the housework and caring for her father that she is treating you like this. You have every right to be angry and hurt. You deserve so much better from her and you must believe that.

I would imagine the desperation you feel comes from the shock. It's too much to discover someone we rely on and trust is hurting us. You feel desperate because it doesn't feel in your control. She seems to be making all the decisions that effect you. This is where you can help yourself. You have every right to make decisions and you can do this for you. I would advise telling her that if she doesn't stop seeing this man for the meantime then you are not prepared to carry on with your marriage. I know this may not be what you want, but do you actually want to share her. She may need to have her responsibility and committment reminded to her. Right now she is behaving as though she has every right to do what she wants. She is not thinking about you or him just herself and her needs. So show her you have some too, you need to do it in away that shows you are thinking of yourself not her. This way you are reminding her of the individual she chose to marry in the first place. I hope I am making sense here.

Whatever happens next you must keep looking after yourself. I wish you lots of luck and I really hope your wife sees how lucky she is.

Annie

[johne]

Annie , Thank you very much for your kind words which do sum up the position very well. I have been for 1 counselling session but at this stage my wife does not want to come with me for obvious reasons. I have asked her to stop seeing this other man and she has said that she would but very soon sends him e mails which I have seen, unbeknown to her ,which suggest that she is continuing to see him. I know that when she worked late last night she saw him and she admitted that when she came home .
I think you are right and I must just take control of my life which is here and now and make sure I do not go down any further into the abyss
Thanks again
Johne

[Annie2]

Johne,

Im really glad you are going to couselling. This is about survival. You can hope for your marriage to survive but your wife plays a part in that. You can hope, want and expect for you to survive this and that is the part you do for you and alone (with counselling and friends) your wife can not play a part in that right now.

Have you thought about confronting her over the emails? I suspect you don't want her to know you've been checking on her. She may be angry but unfortunately her behaviour has led you to this behaviour. Her responsibility! If she doesnt want to be checked up on she needs to prove herself trustworthy.

You really need some sort of committment from her and you have every right to ask and expect that. The rest is up to her.

It may seem like she is in control of all your emotions right now but it's not true. You have said you don't want to got further down into the abyss. That is you taking control! You clearly have strength you probably dont recognise yet. I wish you all the best Johne. Hang in there and look after yourself. Keep posting and let us know how you are.

Best wishes,
Annie