Pouting Husband

[Minerva]

My husband is driving me crazy. It usually starts with some little argument. This time it was over a backpack. I told him I didn't want him to use my hiking backpack for his laptop computer, taking it to work, and thus ruining it like he did the computer bag I loaned him. I told him that I would appreciate it if he would at least ask before taking my things and using them at his leisure. He insista that all of the things in our house are "ours" and free game. I told him that I have worked hard for the things that I have and that all I ask is that he ask if I mind that he takes something that I purchased. Alrighty then ... 3 days later he is still sleeping on the couch he purchased and won't talk to me. He insists that he feels like he doesn't belong in the house because there is not much in it that he bought. This is not the first time that he went on a pouting spree following a ranting session. It usualy lasts for at least a week and it is usually I that has to come to him to resolve the issue when it was he that blew the whole thing out of the water again! I am so frustrated - it's like living with a child. I am at my wits end .... any ideas?

[Ginger God]

Minerva.....

You aint gonna like this but both of you need to take a reality check and grow up quickly. Most folk who post on here post because either their partner is having bedroom olympics with the blonde around the corner or the beefcake up the street. Or perhaps there are money, violence, gambling or drug problems.
In the bigger scheme of things a bust rucksack shouldnt be a marriage breaker and I cant believe for one minute that this is at the root of your problem.
Last year at this time I would have gladly taken an arguement over a rucksack than having to tell my kids Mum and dad were splitting up because their Mum couldnt keep her knickers up. Although to be fair they werent exactly told that.
Go get hold of him and agree with him that you are both acting like a couple of delinquents and that this doesnt happen again. You are both at fault.
Rant over!:eek:

[Helen]

Minerva,

I have no idea how old you and your husband are but you sound very young and, sorry to say it, immature. I have to agree with Graham. A rucksack is a rucksack. This is your husband. When I saw what you had posted, I have to admit, I could see your point of view - but I am far more sympathetic towards your husband. What he says is true - once you are married, 'yours' and 'mine' should become 'ours'. So yes, he does have to right to use the rucksack and you should not kick up a stink about it. Certainly you shouldn't be telling him about all the stuff that belongs to 'you' in the house...

My advice to you - if the rucksack matters that much, go out and either buy yourself a new one or buy one that your husband can use. I would also try to make up lost ground with him. Tell him you are sorry (because telling him that everything in the house was bought by you is not the best way to build a marriage - trust me). As stated, everything that you bought becomes 'ours' once you are married. Forget about what YOU bought (unless he isn't contributing at all, in which case you do need to talk to him). Accept that once you married him, who bought what ceased to matter. For the sake of your ongoing relationship, you must accept his point of view because it is valid.


Helen

[Minerva]

Hey, thanks so much for the replys. I think you missed my point though. It's not about the rucksack - it's about the pouting. He makes a HUGE deal out of nothing and that's the point I'm trying to make. I think if he needs a rucksack HE should go out and buy one - why should I replace mine because he wants it. Anyway if he really wants the stupid one that I have he can have it ... it's not suited for a laptop, but if he is going to turn this into WWIII over it, it's certainly not worth it. He feels insecure because I make a lot more money than he does and because he moved into my house where I already had accumulated a lot of stuff. Anyway ... it's not about STUFF, it's about not having the ability to talk things out without shouting and then a week or two of pouting. He has a shouting and pouting problem. The day he got himself all in a tizzy about the backpack he said he wasn't going to go to work, he was going to go out and find a place to live. I am terminally ill so I would think it is all going to be his at some point, so why sweat the small stuff???

[Helen]

why sweat the small stuff???Minerva,

Why indeed? But the same question could be asked of you. You talked about your husband sweating the small stuff but I don't think he is. Not at all. As far as he is concerned, using your rucksack shouldn't be a big deal. But it is - to you. Arguing over a stupid rucksack is so silly - even mentioning the fact that he is using it and making it clear that you resent it is ridiculous. Yet this is what you did. Your husband's behaviour is occurring as a direct result of the things you are saying to him around this, which must be pretty hurtful.

You have focused on the pouting but actually, you have missed the point. I don't think he is pouting (i.e. angry) about the rucksack. He is angry because you keep reprimanding him like a child and telling him about "your stuff". This is mine, that is mine, this house is mine, I worked hard for this, that and the other, they belong to me (even if I am not using them) and get your own if you need one. Those statments make him feel worthless and undermined and, because you are treating him like a child, he pouts like a child in response. The clues are there in what he has said to you:He insists that he feels like he doesn't belong in the house because there is not much in it that he boughtYou somehow dismiss this as ridiculous but you are missing some very clear signals from him. HE IS NOT HAPPY WITH THE WAY YOU TALK TO HIM AND TREAT HIM!!! He does not feel like an equal or your husband either. Instead, he no doubt feels like a lodger in YOUR house. I will be frank - I am not surprised he is talking about leaving. If I moved into a home that my wife had bought before she met me, I would not expect her to turn around and tell me about what she bought every time I used something that she felt belongs to her exclusively. I would not expect her to talk about 'loaning' me stuff either. Yet it sounds as though you do this all the time. Your first post is pretty clear about your thoughts about ownership of the stuff in your home. You are not his landlord or co-tenent - you are his wife. What he is saying to you is you are not treating him like a husband or a grown up yet you expect him to behave like one.

My suggestion that you buy him a rucksack was suggested as a peace offering yet you say if he wants to use it he can go ahead because that doesn't bother you, although you also said, in the same breath, that you don't know why he has to use yours and why he doesn't just go out and buy one for himself. I would say it does bother you. It certainly bothered you enough to raise a ruckus about it with him. Okay, your intention may not have been to argue but even saying what you said to him was bound to cause some resentment on his part.

I get the impression you owned your home and did stuff on your own terms for a long time before setting up home with your husband. I would suggest that you are having a hard time sharing your things but marriage is about sharing. Letting your husband use your rucksack without comment would be a great thing to do. If you never want him to pout again, letting him use 'your stuff' without any comment whatsoever would achieve that.

But ultimately, it is up to you to decide if you can stand to share your stuff with your husband without comment from now on.


Helen

[Mike56]

Minerva - reading your post was uncanny - I saw myself as your husband, there were so many resonances with what I experienced on moving into my ex-partners home.

Through the small things like not being allowed to hang my pictures, bring my precious things into the living space, even have my shaving kit and toiletries on the shelf in the bathroom I felt excluded and isolated. My ex-partenr refused to even attempt to understand my point of view or discuss it. You sound exactly the same.

It is VERY difficult to move into someone elses home, and if you're getting hung up on things like that you'll not ahve a husband for long and while what you describe a s"pouting" may be immature, could it be that its the only way he can express his frustrations ?

I'm sorry to hear you are ill - but please, help each other. Trust me, the angst, pain, sorrow and grief otherwise just is not worth it when all it takes is the ability to communicate.

Mike

[Helen]

Minerva,

To pick up on what Mike has said, I want to offer my sympathies for your illness and apologise for not saying anything about this earlier. I am not unsympathetic. I have a chronic health condition myself (Graves Disease). Not terminal like yours but I know what it is like to live with a debilitating illness hanging over you.

But I also wanted to tell you a bit about my own marriage (which ended in divorce due to my ex husband's infidelity with my brother's wife - his reasons for cheating were little to do with me). I don't know that your husband is insecure because you earn more than him. I too earn a lot. Probably at least twice the national average and certainly well over the average in London. I earned more than 3 times what my ex husband earned. Yet I never spoke about the fact that I paid more than 3/4 of the bills and expenses in the home. As far as I was concerned, this was fair. After all, I earned far more than he did.

If your husband is insecure about the fact that you earn more (and I am not convinced that he is), I think you need to consider whether you are doing anything to make him feel insecure. Certainly, if you bang on about the fact that the house is yours, everything in it is yours and he needs to get his own stuff, despite the fact that there is perfectly good stuff laying about, dying to be used, this might make him feel inferior. Yet you loved this man enough to marry him so what he earns should be immaterial. It certainly was at one point...

Like Mike says, perhaps your husband has communication issues - who knows. Maybe he thinks like me - I would not dream of asking my husband (now ex) to buy a rucksack when there is a perfectly good one going begging in the house! The logical thing to do would be to use whatever is available and, when it is busted (like your other bag) buy a new one.

I just want to encourage you to share everything, and celebrate everything (including the fact that you earn so much money) with your husband. I did. My salary/earnings was his money too. I used that money not only to contribute to the household but also to get our son through private school. And I did not resent the fact, ever, that my husband earned less. I took him on his own terms and I think you should take your husband on his terms too. After all, you knew what he earned when you married him. Do not mistake what is going on between you as insecurity about the fact that you earn so much more. That is almost never the issue. What you say in your first post (about owning everything and wanting your husband to get his own) says so much more. And Mike's post is very revealing too...

Take care


Helen