My wife needs space?

[sufi2112]

This is my first time posting so bear with me. My wife and I have been together for 10 years now and married for 6 in Feb. 4 weeks ago she went out with her cousin and her boss and I but I had to go home to get our 2 sons (6 and 2). They went out and she never came home that night. That was bad enough but after that night it has been a living hell. She all of a sudden has some "issues". She has, since that night, dont the same thing 2 more times. She says she still loves me. She says that its stuff that she needs to work on.

We have never had this much drama in our marriage. We have become complacent over the years and the sex is great when we have it. I have to admit I let the sex thing slide to much and she has been having a problem with that. I guess she wants it way more than I have led her to believe that I have. Its lack of communication basically.

So has anyone been through anything like this before? Any help would be greatly appreciated. I need my wife back...

[Annie2]

Hi Sufi,

I'm sorry things aren't good for you at the moment. I imagine you must be feeling pretty confused and frustrated. I can really appreciate how hurt you must feel too.

Has your wife told you where she has stayed the times she hasn't come home? Did she ring and let you know that she wasn't coming home. If not you seriously need to let her know just how selfish that is. You are supposed to be a unit (husband and children) and to break that trust is so damaging, disrespectful and inconsiderate. I would imagine one of your emotions to be anger at her behaviour.

She has let you know that she has 'issues' and that she needs to 'work on' those. Yet surely it's not too much for you to expect, as her husband, that she shares those issues with you, they are afterall affecting you. As her husband you naturally would like to help or be supportive. I think she has got this part so wrong, to seperate herself and distance herself from you. Yet she says she loves you. I find it so similar to how my husband behaved when he had an affair (don't panic there are a million explanations to her behaviour, this is only one). He too said he loved me and said he was just working through stuff. I wonder if your wife feels she can not talk to you because she is worried of your reaction. In which case you have to explain to her that she can confide in you, that you love and want her and you will listen to what she has to say. You would have to mean that! Whatever your wife believes her issues are you need to remind her that they involve you and your children, that she although is an individual is also a huge part of a unit.

I think it is so easy to have communication problems in a long relationship. As individuals we move on but as a unit we often don't. Yet there is no reason why this can not be corrected. It's not a reason to quit and when explored it often sorts out stuff you wouldn't have labeled a 'communication problem'.

You wrote about your sex life and I wonder why you mention it. Did she mention this recently? Or is this you worrying about every part of your relationship? I may be naive but I can't imagine a mother easily reconsidering her life because she feels she is not having enough sex. It may be more of a factor to you unless she was the one who has recently spoken to you about it.

I really believe you need to show her you are willing to listen, that you want your marriage to work and what she is doing is damaging it. You need answers and you deserve them. I couldn't help admire the fact YOU went back for the children. It's so often the mother that has to do that.

There is no guidebook here or magic answer. But I think you need to listen to your heart and allow it to guide you. Until your wife opens up you are going to be in a complete world of confusion. So what can you do? Remain consistent, she may be changing but you don't have to. Show her you want her by talking (not the flowers, dinners) to her, showing you are capable and willing to listen.

Most of all take care of yourself, this must be a really stressful time and it's easy to ignore just how much it is affecting you. I wish you all the best. I hope others will post as I don't think I have much concrete advice or experience. I just wanted to let you know you've been heard.
Keep posting.
Annie

[sufi2112]

Thanks for the input. I do appreciate it.

I mentioned the sex part because I would assume some people would jump to that conclusion. We do have it, maybe not enough, but we do. I just wanted to say that that is not an issue but may be for her. If so thats an easy fix.

The kids thing is a huge deal to me. When she was out and I told her that her kids were asking where she was and crying her name in the night...she got defensive and told me not to hang that over her head. My reaction was the obvious, what else do you need? Our kids (on a school night) wonder where mommy is. I just cant even begin to understand that rational. Then to top it off she went out (the kids were at grand parents) with a friend and his fiance. That was another night she didnt come home. The kicker is she knows I dont like that guy or his finace. She went out with them because she knew I wouldnt go. That hurt. And, not to mention, I was at home working until 1AM while she was out. There I was making the money she would use to go out with.

As you can tell I am angry. I am doing everything I can to be there for her. Its been 4 weeks now and its still not over with. Hopefully soon.

[Annie2]

Sufi

I really think you are handling this the best way you can. You are absolutely right to feel the way you do. When your wife is being defensive it shows that she is not handling it. You pointed out to her that the children were upset. She is their parent too, she should be aware of that and care but instead she is switching off and putting herself first. Although I am sure that is not the case as she is probably squashing any feeling of guilt and responsibility about that below all her other feelings of right and justification. So you hit the nail on the had when you say it's not rational. If this is totally out of character then it's far from rational. It must have stung that you were at home working and she was out despite knowing how you felt about that.

I know this is going to sound like an obvious thing to say but have you suggested counselling? If she is not communicating with you it would seem like the only way. Although I suspect that she would reject the idea if she clearly doesn't want to share anything.

Have you asked her if she wants her marriage to work? I mean a clear question like that and not in the middle of an argument. If she is feeling very confused at the moment sometimes clear questions can guide into a straight line of thinking.

This must be a really stressful time for you, esp. with two young children, and I wonder what you are doing to look after yourself. It seems like you are the one stressing and trying to sort things out while she is off doing her own thing.

I hope I didn't sound tactless over the sex thing. It wouldn't have been obvious to me. I think you often find it's one of the last problems in a marriage (obviously not always) when someone behaves the way your wife is. Therefore it, as you have already identified, may all come down to lack of communication. You are doing your part extremely well, communicating with her and showing your feelings (even the negative ones) but she seems to be distancing herself. Why else would you be in the dark over her behaviour. She is being horribley inconsiderate as she can't be blind to your feelings at the moment. Saying that, she again is probably allowing herself to 'ignore' them as the guilt or responsibility would be hurtful to herself. It is so obvious she is in some kind of turmoil which is not enabling her to feel the normal feelings of love and care for her family. Buts it's not going to help anyone unless she explains what that is to you. If she is worried that it will have some kind of effect on your marriage then she is fooling herself that her 'dealing with it' isn't. Therefore the 'damage' is building up and the more it goes on the worse she is going to feel (and you obviously). Sorry I know I'm rambling a bit but I'm just trying to get inside your wifes head.

I really believe you are doing all you can. I don't think it would be too much to ask that she agrees to meet some of your needs at the moment, she is after all choosing to meet her own despite the consequences on you and the children. Maybe if you explain that and explain that you want some sort of committment from her. Either, that she will stop springing surprises (ie not coming home) or/and that she will sit down and talk to you about how she is feeling.

Nothing is going to change until she does this. It can't go on like this and the longer it does the more damage there is going to be for everyone. Another 'clear' question to put to her is 'how long do you expect your children and husband to survive like this'.

I'm sorry Sufi I think once again Im at a loss on how to advise. I feel your frustration. Hang in there, I can't believe you've just done four weeks of this. You really are doing brilliantly so keep reminding yourself that. Your children are really lucky to have you, I just hope their mummy begins to realise how lucky she is too. If this really is a complete change of character then hang on to that. There has got to be some explanation for it and you need and deserve to hear it.

Good luck,
Annie

[sufi2112]

Any advice is so helpful. I really dont have anyone to talk to so this is a great release. MY update from the weekend is, both, good and bad. My wife and I went out and we had a lot of fun on Friday night. On Sunday we were shopping for groceries alone and I had some feeling confirmed. Since this started happening I noticed a change in how she went about her daily routine. To be specific it was how she treated her cel phone. She used to keep it wherever it was and half the time she didnt remember where she put it. Since we have had the issues she keeps it under lock and key. She never leaves it alone and hides it at night. I did some snooping on our account online and say a handful of number i didnt know so I wrote them down. On Sunday at the grocery store I happened to be looking at her phone (in her hand) when a text messgae came through and it was one of those numbers.... I said, gingerly, who is that? She ignored me and within 1 minute she was having me go to the ooposite side of the store "something". When I said no it was no more than 2 minutes and she had another errand for me. I said no...then another. I finally agreed but stopped and watch and she immediately pulled her phone out. So I interupted and she finally came clean that she was talking to a few people she knew I wouldnt approve of. The conversation was the best one we had in a month so I hid my displeasure just to get more info out. Then that night, after I had time to think, I became angry and let her know. That actually led to the BETTER conversation and we made great strides.

Now, about this sneeky deceit that she has been doing.... What to do now? I told her I want okay with one person. It is a guy she met when she went out all night. She says he helps her with our situation. She also says he is harmless but he has 3 girlfriends. I say if you have 3, whats another one even if she is married. The others I can cope with because I know who they are but I dont like them. They will pass in time.

Advice, Annie2? Anyone?

Sufi

I really think you are handling this the best way you can. You are absolutely right to feel the way you do. When your wife is being defensive it shows that she is not handling it. You pointed out to her that the children were upset. She is their parent too, she should be aware of that and care but instead she is switching off and putting herself first. Although I am sure that is not the case as she is probably squashing any feeling of guilt and responsibility about that below all her other feelings of right and justification. So you hit the nail on the had when you say it's not rational. If this is totally out of character then it's far from rational. It must have stung that you were at home working and she was out despite knowing how you felt about that.

I know this is going to sound like an obvious thing to say but have you suggested counselling? If she is not communicating with you it would seem like the only way. Although I suspect that she would reject the idea if she clearly doesn't want to share anything.

Have you asked her if she wants her marriage to work? I mean a clear question like that and not in the middle of an argument. If she is feeling very confused at the moment sometimes clear questions can guide into a straight line of thinking.

This must be a really stressful time for you, esp. with two young children, and I wonder what you are doing to look after yourself. It seems like you are the one stressing and trying to sort things out while she is off doing her own thing.

I hope I didn't sound tactless over the sex thing. It wouldn't have been obvious to me. I think you often find it's one of the last problems in a marriage (obviously not always) when someone behaves the way your wife is. Therefore it, as you have already identified, may all come down to lack of communication. You are doing your part extremely well, communicating with her and showing your feelings (even the negative ones) but she seems to be distancing herself. Why else would you be in the dark over her behaviour. She is being horribley inconsiderate as she can't be blind to your feelings at the moment. Saying that, she again is probably allowing herself to 'ignore' them as the guilt or responsibility would be hurtful to herself. It is so obvious she is in some kind of turmoil which is not enabling her to feel the normal feelings of love and care for her family. Buts it's not going to help anyone unless she explains what that is to you. If she is worried that it will have some kind of effect on your marriage then she is fooling herself that her 'dealing with it' isn't. Therefore the 'damage' is building up and the more it goes on the worse she is going to feel (and you obviously). Sorry I know I'm rambling a bit but I'm just trying to get inside your wifes head.

I really believe you are doing all you can. I don't think it would be too much to ask that she agrees to meet some of your needs at the moment, she is after all choosing to meet her own despite the consequences on you and the children. Maybe if you explain that and explain that you want some sort of committment from her. Either, that she will stop springing surprises (ie not coming home) or/and that she will sit down and talk to you about how she is feeling.

Nothing is going to change until she does this. It can't go on like this and the longer it does the more damage there is going to be for everyone. Another 'clear' question to put to her is 'how long do you expect your children and husband to survive like this'.

I'm sorry Sufi I think once again Im at a loss on how to advise. I feel your frustration. Hang in there, I can't believe you've just done four weeks of this. You really are doing brilliantly so keep reminding yourself that. Your children are really lucky to have you, I just hope their mummy begins to realise how lucky she is too. If this really is a complete change of character then hang on to that. There has got to be some explanation for it and you need and deserve to hear it.

Good luck,
Annie