Unsure

[reb29]

Hi, it's the first time I've posted anything on this site. I've been married for over five years but am feeling at a bit of a low eb at the moment and am struggling with trying to learn to trust again. The problem with trust started, unfortunatley not long after we got married. My husband developed a drug problem which lasted a year and a half. As you may or may not know this problem involved a lot of lying. He's been clean for over 3 and a half years but the trust issues didn't just finish at the point that he stopped taking drugs. For quite a while he was irresponsible with money and still not completely honest about things to do with money - even if he wasn't actually lying he sometimes kept things from me. That whole thing got better over time - although I was still supporting him around being really depressed and low in self esteem. At the beginning of this year he gambled about £2000. This didn't develop in to a gambling problem thank god. He also chose to get some counselling which really helped him and I also got some counselling too. Things have been a lot better since then and in a lot of ways I trust him loads more than I did. So I have learned to trust him again to quite a large extent. However, I still don't completely trust him - mainly around money. And now I find it hard to work out when I've got real cause for concern and when I'm being paranoid. We do talk about it, although probably not enough, and most of the time he's really good but sometimes does get defensive. Our sex life has been really damaged by everything that's happened and sometimes I find it hard to get the energy to try to get it back on track. My feelings of finding it hard to move on from what's happend are affecting my feelings for him and I doubt sometimes if I want to carry on with the marriage. Sorry this is a bit of a full on message. Don't know if anyone has anything to offer or to say?
Thanks.

[Kate]

Dear Reb29

You have been through a great deal, trying to rebuild the trust in your marriage and you have done really well. It is really tough to rebuild trust and I suspect that anythign suspicious may bring back memories of previous times when your husband let you down. I haven't been through anything like you have but I know that sometimes past issues try to re-emerge and I have to make a conscious decision not to go back down past pathways of fears and mistrust. It may be that for some time you have to consciously go through this decision to trust. Have you looked at the article about trust here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/trust/)?

All that you have been through is bound to have taken its toll emotionally. Your feelings may not be as loving and romantic or passionate as you wish, but actually most marriages are mundane at times. After all you have put in to make things work out, don't give up now. You may be better able to trust your husband but the wounds may take more time to heal than you had hoped.

You have spent time and energy working through a difficult time. Perhaps now the crisis period is over, you need to work on your relationship. Why not look at some of the articles here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/cftcartoon/) about communication and love languages. Consider doing an enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) to spice things up a bit.

All the best

Kate