feeling really low - help needed

[tammy]

I'm feeling really low at the moment, barely functioning. my husband ended his relationship with a girl from his work nearly 5 months ago. 5 weeks ago he changed job but in his last couple of weeks in work had started being friends with her again. On the day before his last day she found out he was leaving and phoned him several times. they had conversations about how things were with us, how they felt about each other, she asked if he was leaving because of her and he said that his wife didnt like him talking to her and found him the new job. He told her all about the new job including where it was. After managing to drag all this info out of him that night i told him that under no circumstances was he to talk to her again, that it was nothing to do with her.
On his last day I was feeling realy down as i had just been told that i had lost my job (i hadnt been very reliable since all this had happened) so i text him that 'i'm misserable'. However he had deleted all his personal numbers off his work phone ready to hand in. I got a text back saying "sorry, me 2 :-(" this confused me as i hadnt told him yet so i text back "why r u misserable" and he replied "favourite dispatcher isnt going to be cheering me up any more" (she dispatches the jobs to the mobile engineers). At this point i realised that he thought i was her and that they were in the middle of a text conversation, he later confirmed this. I have never had a satisfactory explanation for this. He said that they were just saying their goodbyes and that it meant nothing.
Since then i have been trying to get past this as he is now in his new job. It has been getting easier to some extent, day to day life is better and eaier but i cant get past those texts. the reason i'm so low is that on top of this the last week he has had no time for me, its like hes stopped trying, he thinks that everything is ok now, he's forgoten it all and moved on. its as if the whole thing never happened. But its the lack of affection, attention, time spent on me, the little things this last week that has got me feeling that i just dont want to be here anymore.
The question that keeps bouncing round my head at the moment is did the start up of the chats and texts mean he blew his second chance. As in if he did it again i'd leave but is that twice or just a continuation of the original? I feel like he blew his chance and thats it, i cant seem to forgive him that and have closed my heart to him, i no longer feel emotionaly close or connected to him anymore. I feel so low i just dont want to be here at all, no kids no nothing

[Annie2]

Hello Tammy,

I am so sorry you are feeling low. I felt quite a lump in my throat while I read your post. But you are fighting this without realising. You have identified how low you feel, why and you are doing something about it (posting on here). It might feel all out of control and very frightning feeling the way you do but please listen hard to yourself, you are strong and you are showing that strength through your honest post.

Your husband can not be trusted at the moment as clearly he is still stuck in a confused state. You can only trust yourself. I would really advise trying to concentrate on you right now. Which means either getting away for a while or suggesting he stays somewhere else. You can not exhaust yourself anymore trying to second guess what he wants. If he is saying he wants you yet he is breaking your trust and respect still then he is in no position to say what he wants. Nothing that you do right now as in taking a break or asking for space will dictate an ending to your marriage or anyother outcome. If your husband really loves you he will come to his senses on his own. But you are putting your health on the line here. I suspect sleeping and eating and just daily life is a strain for you. Tammy all you can do right now is build yourself up. He is not going to do that for you right now whether he tries or not. He is reminding you of what has happened by just looking at him because it is all so raw still. I really believe that you need a cast iron committment from him or complete space.

Have you seen your doctor? Are you in counselling? You can not do this alone (having him doesn't count). I'm going to be honest I feel very concerned when you say you don't want to be here anymore. Do you mean at home? Or are you feeling very low? It can be quite frightening just recognising how low you feel. I hit black holes many times after my husband's affair. But talking to people really helped, seeing my doctor helped too (because she reassured me it was perfectly normal and understandable).

Please post again soon and let us know how you are feeling. I don't feel commenting on the things you posted (as in his texts) are appropriate. I think to try and read into something could potentially make matters worse. I don't think he was being particualarly respectful to you but I do know from my own experience that he could just be completely naive and convincing himself he's doing nothing wrong by a text.

Please think about seeing your doctor or a counsellor. Either will be able to guide you through this in a much more helpful way.

Take lots of care Tammy, just ride through it and remember that behind the clouds are blue skies.
Annie xxx

[tammy]

Hi Annie,
Thanks for your reply. I have taken your advice and been to see the doctor this morning. She has given me anti depressants and did recommend that i might benefit from councelling and for me to think about it. Unfortunatly i cant really afford it after losing my job. My husband took a £8000 pay drop to move jobs which will go up when hes fully trained hopefully in january but it leaves us struggling financially at the moment.

I had a long talk with him friday evening about how i felt. I had been right in that he had been thinking that everything was ok that we were working through it. When i told him otherwise he admitted that he had thought that the text he sent by mistake had probably been a push too far. He said he sensed something different about me after that and he had been scarred that he'd totaly blown it but had kept quite hoping it would sort itself out. I told him i wanted a divorce and told him my reasons as in after that day i no longer felt the same about him, didnt know if i loved him anymore, that it was like i'd built a wall around my heart and was too scarred to let him in in case he hurt me again. He said that he had thought that was the case but he didnt know what else he could do to help. He's been quiet and upset all weekend, says he loves me and that what we had was special, that we had something good before and he didnt want to lose it. So now i'm having doubts again, confused as to what is the right thing to do. I know i'll be misserable without him, he is my best friend, but if i cant let him into my heart again then whats the point its only going to end up making both of us misserable. I have agreed with him to wait till after xmas for the sake of the kids, i think he's hoping to be able to change my mind but i just dont know anymore.
Tracy

[Annie2]

hello Tracy,
i think we are both on the same track but on different threads at the moment and so you know that I am not the best person to advise. I think Anne (on my current thread) had a point about 'forgiveness'. If we could learn how to do this and committ to whatever it means. But maybe that is another of those 'it will all take time' things.
I must say though it is a huge thing that your husband is noticing a change in you. This can only be for the better. I think his 'quiet' behaviour at the moment is because he really hasn't a clue how to fix this.
I know exactly what you mean about building walls, that is my trick too. But it's hard when you lower the wall slightly because I feel suddenly more vunerable and make it higher than before.
I don't know what the answer is except boring old time. i think if you are unable to committ then all you can do is hang in there until you feel sure one way or the other. Not much fun though!
I think also, it might help him to realise what he has done if you are totally honest about not knowing what you want. He needs to know that he can't just move on and all is forgotten, he needs to face the consequences of what he did. And those are having a wife who can not committ, trust and who is very hurt and angry. If he can live with that whilest trying to sort it out then things will change about him.
Take care,
Annie