Any advice?

[Anne22]

I have been thinking hard over the past week about ways in which I could decide whether it is time to move on and move my hubby out!!!

Firstly - I see most of our problems have started since he has been working away from home alot! His job!! The temptation of playing away obviously proved too much for him!!! Although he hasnt had an affair as such just a few flings over the past 8 yrs!!

If I asked my h to change his job and spend more quality time here at home with his family would this prompt him to fly or commit to me and the kids?

This would be very difficult for him to do as I know he likes his job although it is very stressful - I often wish he had never started with this firm!

Secondly - at the moment I havent shared this with any close family or friends - up until last week I was shouldering all this in secret which has been very hard for me over the past 8 yrs - now just you kind people know and I am gratful for all your help! I was wondering what impact 'telling all' would have on our marriage/my feelings/his feelings - would this drive him away??:confused:

I would be very grateful for any help or suggestions anyone may have.

Annx:(

[Helen]

Anne,

On your first question, if you can get your husband to understand that his job is undermining your marriage (not because he has opportunities to play away but because he is stressed and doesn't have time for you and the kids) you might stand a chance of getting him to change jobs to something less stressful, with less travelling. But be aware - the pay in such jobs is usually high precisely because of the impact it has on private lives. I think you need to be sure that you can manage on what might be a substantially reduced wage coming in before making this request.

On your second question (i.e. should you tell your friends and family everything?) I have to offer a resounding no to this idea. Not if you intend to stay with your husband. The problem is it is bound to get back to him that they know and he may decide he has nothing to lose. He therefore may fly, as you put it. If he stays with you, he will have to contend on a daily basis with the humiliation of your wider family knowing everything. I appreciate you need the support locally but there are some things that happen between couples that should not be told to everyone. So if I were you I would think about confiding in one or two very close friends and leave it at that.

I hope everything goes well. Take care,


Helen

[Annie2]

Hello Anne,

From my experience the work thing is a huge issue. My husband had an affair at work. Due to distance I have never been involved in his work life, no xmas parties etc. When I suggested that our marriage would only have a chance of surviving if he changed jobs it sounded ridiculous to him. He loved his job, it wasn't his work that made him feel the way he did, etc etc. To cut a long story short he changed his job. I was hoping that the change would have been a little more family friendly (ie. closer to home and therefore less time travelling) but it wasn't. For me it was about him choosing his family over anything. For him it was about maintaining the standard of life we currently have. Anything less for him would have added more stress! So I completely agree with what you are saying. Your life as a family would benefit far more if his job was far more family friendly. But you may have to meet him half way on that one. Yet, unfairly, it will always have some 'impact' on family life. So family life has to be strong, committed and able to cope with that. If you see what I mean. It's your relationship which needs to be able to cope as in today's society employment is not designed to enhance family life.

However, I strongly feel that due to what your husband has done he should commit to you and the children by 'sacrificing' (as he would see it) his current work life to fit in more with what he wants to win back (you and children). This is not too much to expect!!

The family thing is so individual. For me it was important to tell EVERYONE. For years I had kept secret things that had gone on in our marriage (violence) and this time (affair) I was determined not to feel isolated. If your husband is determined to change and face up to what he has done the hardest part should be doing that to and for you and the chidlren and not simply altering his work life! I found telling my family and friends liberating. He could not hide within the 'safe and hidden' walls of his 'life'. Telling others meant he was forced not to lie or hide (or pretend) he had to face up to who he was percieved as being. He has an image or a perception of himself, despite his obvious actions and behaviour, but being under a microscope helped him to see what the rest of the world could see. Yet, I won't deny it's hard, others will always have an opinion whether that is more of you or him. But this helped to strengthen the family unit. We have had to build ourselves to face up as a unit to others. Almost, to prove ourselves as credible.

To worry that it will 'drive him away' is pointless. You need to know and be shown that NOTHING will drive him away. No matter what the hurdle you need to be shown that he will suceed and do anything to stay. This is where you will start to regain trust.

Anne, you are doing briliantly and I absolutely, totally admire your stength and thinking. You are such a survivor and an inspiration to many.
Take the very best of care of yourself,
Annie

[Anne22]

Thank you both for your views - I draw so much strength from you - I find just posting very liberating.

I do wish I had the courage to do this ages ago!! Especially last year when my dad died and then my friend 5 weeks later!!

However all that happened last year made me confront my h about his infidelities as I decided life was too short and I deserve better - generally you cant choose death but you can choose the kind of life you lead!

I have given him nearly a year now to show comittment and I must say the most change he has made has been since I first started posting (this last 10 days) and taking a stronger postion in our marriage!!

Sometimes I so want to shout what my h has done to the World, tell all our close friends and relatives but know that this would be very damaging to us if we wanted to make a go of it!!!

I told a very close friend yesterday- she was horrified but then said she wasnt really suprised - she felt he was always kinda thought he was capable of it with all his travelling etc and she feels he isnt a very open person. Thankfully he hasnt hit on her and she doesnt know of anyone else, rumours or anything but knows the sl.. well who gave it to him on a plate. She said she felt like putting an ad in the local paper where they live about the services she offers to married men!!!

My friend had heard that since we left four years ago - apparently she has done this again!! - I didnt know and quite frankly dont care! As I have moved away from this area where they live thankfully I do not have opportunity to bump into her!

My H parents idolise him, and are very proud of him and what he has achieved. I am also very close to them - his mum treats me like a daughter - she hasnt got one of her own and often says she is so lucky to have me - she doesnt have a very good relationship with my sister-in-law. Sometimes I wonder whether I should tell her all - in a way to make her realise just what a **** he can be - it might burst the bubble but also may make her understand why sometimes I am not the happy bubbly person!!! I know she would never be able to tell her hubby - he and my h have a great son/father relationship even though they dont talk emotions just like each others company pottering when they come to visit one weekend a month!

What do you think? I am sure she would be shocked but I bet she will still stick with him!!!!! If you know what I mean - when the push comes - if the push comes I know her loyalties willl be with him!

I'm not sure if I told you that after my hubby and I went to Relate (which was a terrible experience for both of us!!! Didnt achieve anything!) I replied to an email that the sl.. sent me saying she was worried that she hadnt heard from me in ages (I had been a very kind friend to her) and copied in my H - I told her that I knew what had been going on and that she was no friend to either of us just an easy lay and that as far as we were concerned she was dead and we didnt want to hear from her again! I did ask my H if he thought I should send it to her and he said he didnt think I should, just ignore her and he would do the same - however I decided he was wrong and she needed to know that 'we' were united in our opinion!!! He was worried that she would be vindictive - but we have never heard from her since and it has been about a year so I think my decision was a good one!!! I asked my hubby to tell me if she ever contacted him and I ask periodically and he says she hasnt and he thinks she got the message!!

He said he felt disgusted with himself (especially when I told him I had been to the STD clinic with her on a few occasions to get her checked- a little untruth!!! - but I know she was often having one night stands and one occasion was worried about a rather nasty STD!!!) and that he wants to erase the memory!!!

Well sorry to babble on!! Thanks again for listening again - if it wernt for you I would not have had half the courage!

Thanks Ann x

[Anne22]

I have been thinking hard about telling my H mum about what he has been up to - I suppose I have told only yourselves and one very close friend - has anyone got any experience of telling their h/w mother and what happened?

I know Helen says she thinks it better not to tell anyone if I want my marriage to work but what about just my friend and her?

My friend says she would tell her H mum but ask her in confidence and ask her to keep it a secret as she was trying to save her marriage!

I would be grateful of any views?

Anxious Anne x

[Annie2]

Anne,
For me it was important to tell all of my family and friends. I had been keeping his unacceptable behaviour hidden for far too long. He was protected by this and able to carry on looking like the perfect husband while behaving like a perfect git.

By everyone finding out the truth it meant he could no longer live in denial. I had support from others and didn't feel so isolated. Yes everyone then knows and everyone has an opinion/helpful advice but if you can switch off to those who really have no right or knowledge to stick their oar in then you can stand strong.

Shout to the world thats what I say Anne

Annie xx

[Anne22]

Annie

Thanks for that - I suppose I am a coward and feel this may drive him away! I still fee I love him and dont want to be the one to break up the family unit! I come from a broken home and know how resentful I felt when my mum left my dad!

When I confronted him last year , he was more worried about everyone finding out - he said everyone will think he is a real s... He said if I confronted his so called 'best friend' at work (the female one he has been out for Drinks/Supper with - but of course only talking about work issues!!!!) the cat would be out of the bag and he would be seen in a bad light and his job might be over!!!!

As usal trying to pass on the guilt to me!

I will have to think hard about this - not sure I am strong enough yet?

Anne x

[Annie2]

Anne you lovely woman,
It is him who is breaking up his family. The way I looked at was if I hadn't have told he would never have changed. He hated being seen in a bad light, he didn't want to be that person. With you it's different, he expects you to understand or have some unconditional love that allows him to be everything without feeling bad. When the outside world gets a glimpse it's more real and then he really comes into a reality check. He will hate it, blame you, but then realise that he doesn't like this 'image' or role HE has created for himself, only then HE can do something about it.

You need to do what is right for you but I just wonder why you feel you owe him protection or shelter from himself. He may never wake up to himself while you help him to hide.

I may be talking cats poo but that's how it was for me.
Try and have a good day today.
Annie xxx

[Helen]

Anne,

The only thing I would say to you is telling everyone is such a high-risk strategy. I am sure you know this, which is why you are hesitating. It's all very well for us on this board to say 'tell them - shout it to the winds' and 'don't tell anyone'. But at the end of the day, only YOU know and/or can predict how your husband is likely to react. You say you fear he would go if you did this. I would suggest you may be right but before making a decision regarding whether to reveal or not, try and think about the situation logically.

How likely do you think it is that he would leave you if the news came out?
What do you think keeps him anchored to you and the kids at the moment?
Do you think it's you and the kids keeping him there or do you think it is the house?Because if it is the house, chances are he may go. If it's you and the kids, he may be able to weather the storm. We can all guess and say it worked for me (or not). But only you know him and only you have any inkling of what is likely to happen. Telling all worked for Annie but trust me - it will not work for everyone. I know my ex would have been off like a shot if I had done it to him, for example. Not that I ever felt inclined to talk about his doings until we had separated and I had decided to divorce him at which point I told him it was open season on the reputation he had, up until that point, managed to preserve...

I am not suggesting you shouldn't tell anyone. Tell close friends that you can trust. But for the moment, I would not say anything to his family or acquaintances because it really is none of their business yet they will no doubt feel duty bound to try to intervene in some way - even if they promise not to say anything to him.


Helen

[Annie2]

hello Helen and Anne,

Just want to say that Helen has a point. My situation was different as my husband had already left and didn't want to come back. I therefore, deep down, had nothing to lose. It's different for you Anne because your husband is there and you may feel you are trying to keep him there.
If you feel he is only there for the house I would be tempted to put that to the test by telling people. Although, it may ruin any chance that he wakes up in the future and starts wanting to be there for you too.
As Helen says, you know best. You need to work out your reasons for not telling and telling. If you feel isolated and squashed by his little secret then you need to talk. But as Helen says this may be better with close friends.
It helped for me to tell everyone, but I stress I did that when I had nothing to lose. It helped afterwards because I now see that my husband is 'riding the storm' of critics and he is still here trying to prove everyone wrong. It may be different for you and for him.
Family and acquaintances do get in the way and you would have to be prepared for that. I got quite a bit of criticism from some and even a few old granny comments such as 'boys will be boys'.
Anyway, its all food for thought.
Annie xx

[Anne22]

Helen and Annie

Thanks for those comments - Helen I can see what you are saying and I think it is good advice - not that yours isnt Annie - I am trying to make it work and dont want to spoil things if he is being faithful!

I agree with Annie - she had nothing to lose - however I feel I do.

I dont want to tell my family as they would not be happy at all and tell me to throw him out - especially as he hasnt been particularly sympathetic during my long illness - I dont expect him to do anything - just ask me now and again if I'm ok - I have never made demands on him - apart from when I was taken into hospital on two occasions and he had to cope but I knew in no uncertain words that it interferred with his work!!! The second time my mum travelled 10 hrs in the car to come to his rescue!!!

Helen - I dont think he is staying for the house - he has plenty of money to buy a small flat for himself locally if he wants to!! (I know he has looked - told me he has not registered but looked as he thought I might throw him out and he would have nowhere to live!) Or we could sell a property we have in Portugal to fund things - I honestly think he is staying for the kids!

I cant kid myself and think he is here for me and I have gone down that road and thought perhaps we should make things work at least until the kids leave - even though I may not be happy! He knows he will really upset the kids if he goes - break their hearts and he also knows all will come out!!!

I suppose I shouldnt moan as he has never been violent - is very generous and provides very well but thats about it for me. We occasionally have sex when he wants it - very rarely when I do - which is more often than he does!!!! In fact I cannot remember if he has ever taken time to ask me anything intimate!!! So I suppose he hasnt changed too much over the years, other than feel he can play away and get away with it!

However, I do feel abused - emotionally - its as if I am the least important person in the family. As long as I am here to cook, clean, do all the household admin, look after the kids 24/7 and put food on the table for everyone then life will tick on the same as ever!

Is there more out there - do you truely ever meet - your sole mate?

Anne xx

[Anne22]

Annie

Why did you decide to give him another chance?

How do you feel now - are you still worried that he might stray again?

Is he talking more to you now?

How do the kids feel?

Sorry all these questions!

Annexx

[Annie2]

hi Anne,

I don't think I did decide to give him another chance. From the beginning I made it very clear that I didn't want a divorce but felt it was the only option. He kept saying he would try and make the marriage work but I had to accept he was in love. Then there was 'if it doesn't work out I will go back to her'. Eventually he said 'It's completely over between her and me and I don't think I was in love, I love you and made a huge mistake'. I agreed to go to counselling with him, he moved back in. Yet still 8 months later I am in counselling trying to work out if I can commit to this marriage or not. He knows that. In the meantime we are working at living together on a daily basis. I'm not able to make any other future plans right now. He screwed my head with so many things that he first said and now all I can do is try and undo that damage and see how I feel.

Yes I will always worry that he will stray again. Before his affair I was also insecure about how he felt about me (he used to hit me and just be emotionally dead with me). Now he is talking a lot more but maybe I feel it's too hard to always recognise that now because he seems like a stranger half the time. Despite him talking I still wonder if I am getting the full picture and whether I can trust what he says. The risk factor stops me from 'investing' in our relationship at the moment. I can't tell him I love him and I find it hard to be loving. To allow myself to love him is too risky and hard because then he could take it all away again. So I surpress all those feelings. I try not to want him or feel comforted by him because then i would be relying on him. These are all issues that I need to sort out and he can help by showing that he is trustworthy. It's far from healthy and it wont make our marriage work if they are not sorted. But we are both aware of them and understand why I feel like that.

The children are good. My eldest sometimes asks questions (she has a friend in similar circumstances which is kickstarting her questions) but they seem to accept things. They have always been talkers and I have been as open as I felt appropriate with them. I have a huge weight knowing that if I choose divorce it feels like I have split their family up. Yet I rightly or wrongly believe that he did that first, that I dont have to accept living unhappily because of what he did. If I am not happy then my children will suffer. I can't function or give them all of me when my mind is so warped. I'm not setting them a good example in life while I am not dealing with issues. I would much rather they had a strong mother who can help them to see how you deal with life issues properly and without negatives. I know many would argue that the children come first, but for me it's what is best for everyone. No one should suffer at others expense because in the end everyone will suffer. If that makes sense. I love my children and I would do anything for them but only the anything that I think is BEST for them. I don't believe it is best for children to grow up in an unhappy marriage, they are not stupid and they pick up on every little thing. If it is handled as sensitively and honnestly then I believe they can survive. Being aware of their needs for security and reassurance goes a long way in any crisis. But how do you offer security and reassurance to them when you have none for yourself? So despite knowing you would do anything for your kids, even pretend to be happy, you should know and accept that pretending is just a bandaid. Your not doing anything for them you're lying to them and belittling their trust and intelligence.

I don't worry that I couldnt' go it alone, I know I could. But I would rather go it together with my husband. On the same token I would rather none of this had happened and I am trying to deal with that and learn to accept it. I must stress that this is where my problem lies. I am still trying to forgive, move on and make some committment one way or the other. At times I feel stuck. Yet I feel this is the only way for me to handle this situation. I couldn't stick with the divorce I filed for and I cant live and pretend that I think my marriage is wonderful now and we are moving on. Maybe this is me moving forward but it's far from the 'finding new love and changes' in my husband. I'm still with him the man I've known for so long, now there is a different and more understood side, he has shocked me but I have a tiny little hope that he may learn and be able to change his attitude. He is in some ways and he says he wants to so it's all going to take time. My only security is knowing that I am not committed either way, that if I am really unhappy then I don't have to live a second more in that situation. It's my choice too, equally his as he may 're-offend' but at least now I feel I too have a choice.
I hope that gives you some insight. Take care,
Annie xxx

[Anne22]

Hi Annie

Thanks for that - I suppose you are so much farther down the line than me - I stupidly left everything to stew as I suppose I didnt want to confront him!!

Nov 95 was when I confronted him - so a long time ago - infact almost a year and I havent kicked him out but still believe he hankers for a Bachelor lifestyle. He has often said 'If I was a Bachelor I would .................................' If we didnt have kids I would be .....................' What a dreamer - its as if he cant move on from the days before responsibility!!! Crazy when most of the care is done by me - really feel like a single parent and have done for years!!!

I have found this 'Bachelor stuff' all so hurtful and so have the kids - he really needs a rocket up his a... to make him realise just what he does have!

Should someone a...hole who thinks only of his own wellbeing 95% of the time be allowed this lovely family to love and care for him??

SHould I put up with all the crap and dishonesty - can I ever believe him and trust him again. Has he continued to be dishonest since Nov last year?

I do feel I have forgiven him for the past because without forgiveness I couldnt have him here. However perhaps it may have been better for me and the kids to have thrown him to the kerb for his behaviour!!

I wish I had a crystal ball!!!!

Take great care of yourself - both you and Helen are an inspiration to me

Anne xx

[Anne22]

Hi

Just needed to post today as I am feeling very anxious!!!

Over the past three days things have been good - my H seems to have been kinder and talked a little more - big thing for him. We have talked about his job making our lives harder - ie he is away so much etc. and also he is under alot of pressure and for the first time he talked about the possibility of looking for another job!!!

Unfortunatley this morning he left early hours for the airport as was off on business again for the whole week in Europe. The kids are really sad as he doesnt often go away on weekends very much as they dont really see much of him in the week, but has chosen to! Infact he was away most of last week in a different part of Europe too.

I asked him a few things before he went like who was he going with etc but he only mentioned male colleagues. I know he will see lots of other colleagues he knows and this just makes me very nervous! In the past he has often not given me details of where he is staying, flight numbers etc but he has for earlier in the week and this coming week - is this a good sign!!

The rational side of me thinks - well it is his job and whatever happens I cant and dont want to control him - it is up to him to behave, but another part of me is so worried sick he may be tempted again. I just hate that he has the opportunity all the time!

In the past he has said 'he has behaved' and seems annoyed that I would think otherwise, however his strange behaviour during half term makes me worry!!

As things have been quite good this last few days I am worried that he is keeping me happy - but while away..................... In fact he said he wants to put a deposit down on a new car - funny thing is I love my car and dont mind either way - ie it doesnt tick my box!!! Dont want to sound ungrateful but him home more means so much more than a new car!!!!

I suppose my mind is working overtime and I am struggling to cope with the 'what if's'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry to ramble on - just needed to post today - am feeling a bit weepy!!! Need to find my strength again - hate it when I feel so pathetic!!!


Anne x

[Annie2]

Hello Lovely Anne,

You are bound to feel weepy, exhausted and just blooming sick of it all. Your head is full of new 'what if's'. It's almost as though you have just had a new security system installed and it's running 24/7. All of this my friend is completely normal and will not (or should not) last forever.

I think from what you posted huge things, but in little ways, are happening. I think it is quite something that he now leaves you details of his trips away.

I shouldn't look at it as 'opportunity'. Men could work in a morturary and they would still find 'opportunity'. But yes I think him changing his job and therefore finding a more family focussed lifestyle would definately help. When it comes down to it, he should be tempted by Pamela Anderson and not want to have an affair. It's about him realising what he loses, it's about valuing you and the children so much not about taking temptation out of his way.

You are not controlling him. Far from it, you are suggesting ways to save your marriage. You are laying down groundrules for him to be able to stay in this marriage.

Be kind to yourself Anne, you really are doing brilliantly.

Best wishes,
Annie xxxx

[Anne22]

Thanks Annie

I am so glad you are online!!

I feel so stupid - just wish he didnt go away so much because before he did I was really doing well and things seemed to be a little better!

I am wondering if he was just saying about looking for a new job just to keep me quiet/happy? He knows I blame his job somewhat for what has happened and in the past has said 'I love my job and you nor anyone will make me give it up!!!'

I have never told him to give it up nor 'do' anything!!!! But by telling him I feel his job has had a big impact, and has perhaps given him the freedom to forget about us and live like a bachelor must have stuck in his mind!

I so want all this hurt to end and know it takes a long time but still feel very threatened that he 'will do it again' to me even after this small step forward.

I suppose it is his lack of open remorse that doesnt help!!

I just hope I can feel less sick as the week goes on and not more anxious - any suggestions would be grateful!

Thanks Annex

[Annie2]

Anne,

Right now everything is still hanging in the air for you. You are bound to feel vunerable and on edge when he goes away. This is because HE has shown you what he does and not because you are stupid. He did this and he has created your state of mind.

I worried too that my husband just said things to keep me happy. He at first said he would not under any circumstances give up his job (despite him still working there with his tart). I stuck to my guns and like you pointed out that I didn't feel it would give our marriage a chance. I listed the reasons as to why I couldn't live like that. Eight months later he changed his job. Did I control that? I certainly don't think so. He needed to realise that all he said about wanting our marriage to work needed to be backed up with evidence. Saying things is fine but doing them actually shows they are meant. Give it a bit of time, he is clearly thinking things through but you know him, he seems a bit slow on the up-take, so it will not happen overnight. He may even go into a little sulk because changing his job is not easy. Again he is not going to feel too good taking responsibility for that so you are bound to have a few chosen words thrown at you. Stay calm and be firm.

I too worry that he will do it again. Going through this pain is unbearable and the thought of anything adding to it at any stage is unthinkable (yet we do think about it!?). But this time, you have a plan in action. He knows it and you know. Therefore it's different, you will NOT tolerate anymore, if it happens again your marriage is over. And you can be sure that you gave it your best shot yet despite him knowing that another affair would end it he did. You are bound in amoung all the other emotions to have a sense of relief that you were making the right decision about divorce. HOWEVER, none of this has happened so there is no point stressing, imagining and so on. It is enough just to have it firmly in your mind your ultimatum. It should be firmly in his mind and he should be reminded of it too by watching and listening to you going through so much right now.

The lack of open remorse! Is he expressing any? I can't say my husband really showed me much either. A bit here and there over time though added up. I would have liked to have seen him on his hands and knees begging and crying. He cried a couple of times but I suspect that was more for himself. You will not be able to forgive in the true sense until you know he is absolutely sorry.

This week you suspect is going to be hard for you. No point worrying about how hard. You need to be more understanding of yourself. Each time you feel a certain way remind yourself you have good reason for it. Half of what your feeling is made worse when you fight against feeling it, if that makes sense. Plan some relaxation times for you. A bit of retail therarpy, hairdo, coffee with friends. Lots and lots of tender loving care for you. Your husband is not the only source to get that from. And right now you are getting none, so make sure you find other ways to make yourself feel good.

Also, post on here, my husband is away too this week (if only we were neighbours!!). Take care Anne I'm thinking of you.

Annie xxx

[Anne22]

Hi Annie

Thanks for that I feel so much calmer after reading all your advice - you should take this up professionally!!!!

My H rang yesterday eve to say he had arrived and then this am before I left to take the kdis to sch!! Good sign really as sometimes he was hard put to ring twice in a week away!!!

Over the weekend I was reading some of the advice on this site about 'Coping after an affair' etc and sent a copy to my H via email that I was feeling anxious with him being away etc I also copied over to him some good advice I had been given about 'making a go of your marriage after an affair'!

This clearly stated the feelings I am having which I thought would be good for him to see!!! He has picked the message up as he emailed me this am to tell me he has read them - nothing more nothing less!!!!!

I thought it might have provoked him to talk perhaps over email as I know he finds it hard to talk direct to me!!! Sometimes I think I could get more feeling out of a banana!!!! Time will tell!!

Through all of this I have told him that I want us to try and make things work obviously but he has never really said what he wants .............................I am still not sure if he wants me or just the 'ride' ie comfy home to come to with loving kids, dinner on table and laundry done!!! Do you think I should speak to him about this or as things have been quite good - keep quiet like I have been?

Tahnkfully I have such a busy week ahead with the kids - parents evenings, sports fixtures etc so that should keep me occupied!!

I was checking on the calendar how often he is away as it is really getting to me that I feel so like a single parent and worked out that he will have been away for 100 days at least this year!!! I suppose it doesnt sound that much when there are 30 days a month, but I find it hard - especially when he is away when I am due at the hospital - like today!!!

In my heart I am not sure I want to carry on in a marriage where my partner is away so often. I suppose I liken it to one of my cousins whos hubby serves in the army - she knew what she was taking on when she married him , I did say when I gave up work full time to have the kids that we would move where his job took him to keep the family together but after three house moves in 10 years I think I could have stayed near my family as he has been away so much in this time!

Any thoughts - am I just being a selfish b....? I do think the kids have had enough too - they never say much to him because he says to them 'well someone has to earn the money to pay the bills!!!!' I suppose we all just accept that this is part of the job & he likes it that way!

I do think my H is thinking more about what he did - I dont think he realises the real impact though - why oh why does it take him such a long time to 'get it'?????

Take care my friend

Anne xx

ps - just read over my post and I didnt mean banana in a rude way!!!!!!!

[Mike56]

Anne, you realy do need to talk to him - and if he won't talk about it, maybe you need to question just why are you in the relationship? Reading what you've siad it doesnt sound as though you're getting much out of it!

I spent 7 years with someone who wouldnt talk about things - the end result was considerable pain (for me anyway - I dont know about her) and believe me, it WAS NOT WORTH IT.

Mike

[Annie2]

Hello Anne,

You don't have to explain a thing about bananas my friend, whatever keeps you happy!:D

Firstly, I agree with Mike. Your husband does need to start talking, showing and behaving in a way that matches the remorse he should feel. Yet I do know from my own experience this takes time. Your husband has got away with it for quite a while now. He knows that you have known for some time yet not 'kicked off' until now. So he may be stuck between wondering if he is still getting away with it (I don't mean he is doing anything now) and whether he should turn on the tightly closed tap of guilt.

He is ringing while he is away and providing details of hotels etc. He didn't answer your mail on 'affair' advice. So he is doing what he feels he can yet when faced with something a bit too overwhelming he is taking his time. He may say 'yeah I read it' or 'didn't have to time to read it'. So, send it again. Just because he is a bit slow doesn't mean to say you have to dance to his tune.

Not only is he slow on grasping your feelings, I suspect he is a bit slow on his own. You probably have a very 'surface feeling' man at the moment. He is someone who has not really been dealing or facing real life for a while. Think of him as a castaway just returned. He is living with everything that he has done but he may not just have actually got to grips yet with actually what he has done.

Anne, seriously stop doing his laundry, making his dinner. Good grief, I can't understand how you can do that. I let all of that slip and concentrated more on me. When I would normally have been sweating over a pile of ironing I was in a steamy bath with good book. My husband had to make his own dinner I was usually too busy on the phone to friends. Your husband really has no idea how to appreciate until he loses or misses it.

I know what you mean about the 'reasons' your husband is staying. It was different for me because mine actually left and said he didn't want to come back. Therefore when he did, I had watched and heard him wake up and come back down to reality. Your husband is different, not a lot has changed for him. Which is why I stress that you should make changes (no laundry, no dinner waiting for him etc). Do you go out with friends (just you, not as a couple)? It's time to really start doing that a bit more. This man has had you hand and foot for too long. He has done what he has done and more than likely not had to worry about feeling guilty for quite some time. Show him who you would really like to be seen as, not the Anne who prepares dinner, has his clothes ready and so on. You were not born for that, there is so much more to you.

The job thing is a big one Anne. I 100% agree with you it would really help to change it. Had his input in your marriage been stronger then yes it may not have been a problem. But clearly his lifestyle helps him to live a seperate life too. Unless his involvement with his family changes hugely then he needs to change his job to allow and encourage him to spend more time with you and the children. But slowly does it. The remorse needs to come first before he can appreciate and understand why he needs to change his job, only then will he WANT to. I think talking to him would help but stick to one subject at a time. He, because right now is not really doing much effort, will feel you are doing a lot of asking. But so what, this is your ultimate proof, if he doesn't self explode and manages to take on board all your needs, meet most of them and sort out his own head, then he is changing and he may just be worthwhile for you.

Anne, you are NOT being selfish. Oh goodness, I never did!!! HE is the selfish one. Why do you feel you are selfish by thinking of and suggesting ways to save, solve and enhance your marriage? It's ridiculous that you are having to suggest ways HE can fix HIS problems and the problems HE puts on your family!

Right I am off now to do the laundry (only me and the 3 kids!!).
Take care, speak soon
Love,
Annie xxx

[Anne22]

Hi

Mike thanks for your post - the funny thing is my h has never really talked!!! Sounds strange but everyone has always said he is a quiet man - a listener!!

Not that he shouldnt I know but it does not come naturally!!! I suppose we were complete opposites when we married - everyone knew me at school as the talker - bubbly etc and him a the quiet one!! I always used to think we complimented eachother perfectly - opposites attract etc!!!!

However, I do feel if he was able to communicate life would have been completely different for us!! I dont know if he has ever really communicated with his family!! May sound strange to those of us who are communicators, but they are not a close knit family and never speak about emotions or personal issues!! His mum has lived a very sad life because she is a touchy, feely type of person like me and has often despared of her lot!!

She has always said I am the one who has kept her sane!!! I do think this is a family trait - I do not think my H is different from the rest of the men in his family!!!

Often at work although he has risen to great heights the one criticism about him has been his communication skills!!

However I do know that he needs to communicate with me for us to find happiness!

Through all the pain I do feel stronger and stronger to cope with any eventuality - I must be honest I have felt up to about a month ago I would find it hard to chuck him out even if he did it again - although I must!!!

Now I feel I do have the upper hand and am at last questioning whether he is 'the one' for me!

Annex

[Anne22]

Hi Annie,

Thanks for your post - firstly I must stress - bananas are not my fruit!!!! He He!!!

I cant believe it but I sent my H an email this morning re: christmas presents (to make u sick have got most already and wrapped too!!!) and he rang straight away - I was suprised because it was only 5.30am!!

He was really chatty and wanted to know I was ok!!! That is the 4th call since he left on Sunday!!!!! Unheard of!!!! He knows I get up early due to the steroids but also knows I dont sleep well when things on my mind!!!

My god is he really coming round!!!! We chatted about all sorts of things that were going on with both his week and mine - he finished by saying - you really are a much better person than me!!!

In the past I have told him him that I thought he had been a pretty good dad all in all but had 'made a terrible job of being a good h' and that I used to think he was a classy professional intelligent man - all along he was a 'cheap idiot' who cant see a good thing when he has it!!!

Perhaps some of this has sunk in!!!

Also might sound horrible but I have been finishing the call and putting the phone down rather than waiting for him to do so!!! i.e got to go have more important things to do!!!

Perhaps 'treating mean does keep keen!!!!'

To answer your question - no I do not often go out - but find this hard as he is away so much!! We dont go out often as a couple as he is always tired when he comes home! A job change for him I believe would make such a difference!

I have moved so often with his jobs that I have had to make new friends wherever we go which as the kids have got a little older is very hard. I have met some great people but only a few people who I have a good realtionship with - noone I could confide my secrets with - which I find very hard!!! Have not got any friends who dont seem to go out without their H?

I do feel I am making some changes - am enjoying the gym - been going 3 times a week - while kids at school!

When I think about my future I cant imagine myself with anyone else - I often think who will want a 40 something woman - a little overweight with 2 kids in tow!!

I dont think I am an ugly woman - I used to work for BA - flight crew and then was asked to model and did a couple of assignments so know underneath I am presentable. I have always looked after myself and regularly go for manicures/pedicures etc.

I think it is very important for people to make the best of what they have and since my disease was diagnosed have found it more important for me!!

I do go to the theatre and ballet (my love) whenever I can - my daughter comes too sometimes and very occasionally (twice a year!) I go with a friend!!

I know I need to be more selfish - I am trying - not sure I am ready to totally neglect him yet!!! i.e. not do his ironing etc!!!!

Thanks again

Anne xx